Dare You to Move
by double scotch.single malt
Summary: Post 2.17 Fic. What would happen if Meredith took control of her destiny after that bomb rocked her world? Read this EPFIC and find out! Story based on a S2/S3 theory - tried and true - literally resulting in a love that transcends above all else!
1. Chapter 1, My Immortal

**Dare You to Move**

**Author's Note:**

This fic is loosely based on a certain set of assumptions and a S2/S3 theory of mine so just stick with me and by all means let me know what you think. I recently heard this song again by Switchfoot called "Dare You to Move" and felt it was perfect for this story, so the entire fic is based on this one song, even though each chapter has its own song inspiration. If you have followed my other stories you know music is really part of the chapters, so take a listen on youtube or wherever you can.

Switchfoot's "Dare You to Move" Lyrics:

Welcome to the planet  
Welcome to existence  
Everyone's here  
Everyone's here  
Everybody's watching you now  
Everybody waits for you now  
What happens next  
What happens next

_[Chorus]_  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
Like today never happened  
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout  
Welcome to resistance  
The tension is here  
Tension is here  
Between who you are and who you could be  
Between how it is and how it should be

_[Chorus]_  
Maybe redemption has stories to tell  
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell  
Where can you run to escape from yourself?  
Where you gonna go?  
Where you gonna go?  
Salvation is here

I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
Like today never happened  
Today never happened  
Today never happened  
Today never happened before

**Chapter 1 – My Immortal**

Evanescence's, "My Immortal" Lyrics:

I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me

You used to captivate me  
By your resonating life  
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind  
Your face it haunts  
My once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away  
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along

**Chapter 1 – My Immortal**

"_You can do this, Meredith." _

I heard him say, but I couldn't understand why. Why would I see Derek, why _him_, why then? Visions of his endless blue eyes clouded every millimeter of my brain and my heart was on fire with fear of what would never be as I lifted the bomb from Mr. Carlson's chest cavity and handed it to Dylan. It was as if Derek was there with me, which I know sounds ridiculous, but he_ was_. I wish Derek – _or my visions of Derek would just leave me alone_ – because his presence lingered when he should have been long gone. But then, at my darkest hour he was with me and saw me through … in a blessed way. Derek had abandoned me for Addison, yet in my mind – _he was the one who was with me_ – and that had to count for something. I think.

I left the OR shortly after that, sweat trickled down my spine and the wet fabric rubbed back and forth against the flak jacket, it was abrasive and uncomfortable, yet I felt safe and liberated within its confines. When I turned out of the room, I remember thinking that I would have to tell Derek about that one day, that he saw me through. _Maybe, maybe not_, I smiled to myself.

And then it hit me – _a force so unrecognizable_ – it was jarring, a fleeting thought ran through my head as it literally spun on my shoulders – _the bomb had diffused_ – for it must have, nothing else could cause physical turmoil like that. I said a silent prayer for Dylan, because I knew in my heart of hearts, that he was gone.

In my life, I had no memory in my bank that could match the sensations that ran through my body at that moment, pain splintered through every fiber of my being and it felt like my nerves were covered with the points of thousands of razor sharp knives as I was thrown to the ground. My muscles and nerves evaporated on impact. It felt like someone had poured acid on me as I melted into the linoleum floor of the surgical wing from the sheer inertia of it all. I remember my head bouncing backwards from the impact and I imagine I looked like one of those dramatic crash test dummies.

And the sound, the horrible sound of the crashing shards of glass as the force of the bomb ripped through everything in its path – _including me_ – I was sure to never forget it. The air was thick with the remnants of blood and cauterized tissue, and something metallic, maybe coolant and grease combined. The last thoughts I had were, _Derek, Cristina, Derek, Burke … Derek, Derek, Derek …_

I'm not sure how long I was out cold, but within minutes I estimate, Cristina had me and I was whisked off to some place to be thoroughly checked and poked and prodded, although I have no recollection of this. I vaguely recall asking for Dylan, I vaguely recall someone telling me my gut instinct happened to be correct and that Dylan was indeed dead. It was amazing, I really disliked him for the one day I knew him, but I also knew he was probably the most decent man and human being I had met in a very long time.

I don't remember getting up from where ever it was they took me, but I do recall Cristina and Izzie taking me to the interns' locker room and helping me shower the bomb debris away. They washed Dylan down the drain – _this man, who was a good man, a decent man_ – circled the drain under my feet like he was nothing.

My heart pounded away in my chest just thinking about the tragedy of it all, it was all just so incredibly sad and miserable. I had to ask, would these resonating wounds in my mind, body, and spirit ever heal?

And then truth was unavoidable, I needed a reason to get out of bed that morning, and I truly believe, way down deep, that Dylan was it. His job was to save me and he did good. I think. I hope I was worth it. I would like to believe that the reason was Derek, and in a strange way he was too, but Dylan was the catalyst – _he restored my hope_ – and in a strange paradox, his death saved me on many levels, he gave me that second chance, while cradling a fragile bomb in his hands.

_But what was I going to do with it, this second chance? Only time would tell._

One burning question that ran through my mind over and over again was: why couldn't I feel anything, was it the body's way of coping, was the pain just too real? I carried this ever-present feeling of being lighter than air, floating and hovering around with no physical pain, no aches, it must have been the adrenaline of it all. I did have that bullet proof vest thingy on, but how could that sustain the force I felt in the hallway? Slowly, I became relaxed though and the events of the day became more concrete and less fuzzy around the edges.

Eventually, I ended up at home with one simple cut on my forehead. I think Izzie and George took me, but I couldn't say for certain. I remember lying on my bed, thinking about being alive and what that meant to me. _What was I going to do or change or go after now?_ I remember thinking about Derek and what he did or didn't mean to me, because in the face of death, _I saw him_. He was like a beacon of hope – _figment of my imagination or not_ – he was there with me. And our connection, yet again, transcended above all else.

I stared out the window, it was raining and the far off thunder rumbled and for once in my life – _I didn't jump_ – for once in my life I just let it happen without anticipation. I pondered how nothing had really changed since this morning when I lay in this very same bed, miserably thinking and dreaming of Derek without an ounce of hope left in me. _Only everything had changed_.

I thought about Bailey and Tucker and their new baby … talk about life and death hanging in the balance! Thank God, good won over evil in _that_ battle of doom. I prayed for Tucker's smooth recovery and that their baby, a boy, I think, was healthy. I tried to put myself in Bailey's shoes, but I just couldn't because I had no hope for a husband and babies of my own.

Woman to woman, I could empathize. But to be in that _exact_ position, part of me realized it would never come to fruition – _call it fate or destiny or just the cruelty of karma_ – those hopes and dreams weren't in the cards for me.

I believed this in large part because I already had given my heart and soul away and I knew only one man could return them to me, and well, that wasn't about to happen. My chest tightened slightly at the thought, even now, and I didn't fight it or suppress it or push it down as I normally would – _instead_ _I embraced it_ – in a strange way, well, because it was my right to.

My lids shut and I saw the pools of Derek's deep blue eyes as they scanned my face – _back and forth_ – but he didn't say anything. Sleep almost came and the darkness was about to cloud over my visions of him, but there was a knock on my bedroom door and Izzie informed me that someone was downstairs waiting for me. I knew Cristina would come right up, and hell, even Alex would come right up at this point. I had no family to speak of, no mother or father to worry over me, so it could only have been one other person: _Derek._

I went downstairs and he was there, he looked awful and worried, his spirit laden with concern that no amount of time would be able to erase. There was something indescribable in his eyes too – _concentrated fear and relief mixed into one heavy emotion_ – if that was even possible. He was wearing pretty typical Derek garb, navy blue cashmere v-neck sweater over a pinstripe button down shirt, his jacket and slacks, and even though he looked familiar and he was a sight for sore eyes, he was on an entirely different plane of space and time.

_He looked like how I felt. Everything was fuzzy around the edges, like a dream, was he really there, did he really care? I found it hard to believe, although deep down in my core, I knew he never stopped ... caring._

I recall I made a conscious decision to be straight with him, even in the face of embarrassment, because I really, really did want to hold onto the memory of that last happy kiss I was struggling to remember, because our kisses were always so real and full of love and hope. I can't explain why, but just wanted it – _the memory_ – even if it wasn't mine, even if I could recall how lips felt against mine any time I wanted to, it wasn't the same. I wanted that memory in my bank, _I was chasing the dream_.

_I know, pathetic, Cristina would kill me if she heard this one._

But then like a miracle, it turned out Derek held the memory for both of us and that suited me just fine. It was a glimmer of hope just to know that he remembered, maybe that he hadn't forgotten about me or _us_. I know he is another woman's man – _he made his choice and we both have to live with it_ – but if I'm gonna to be honest, I can't say that I don't want him and that I don't miss him, because I do.

When Derek left that night, I kind of remember a flash of relief consuming me and I think both of us were glad I didn't die, which was amazing because I woke up needing a reason to _live_ and yet there I was happy about being saved and safely home.

But what were _we_ – _no_ – _what was_ _I going to do with the second chance?_ I was seeking clarity from all of this instead of avoiding, which was pretty healthy. So I'll ask that question again, what should I do with this chance?

_I should be a more supportive friend to my family, try not to be so self-involved, which is a laugh and a half because just months ago, it pained me to even ask anyone to live with me, let alone care about me._

_I should try to find my father …I should, but not because I want to._

_I should try to understand Derek because it's hard, and now I realize it must be hard for him too … to not be with me … it's just so hard to watch him be a shell of the man I once knew and the truth was, we were haunted and captivated by each other, there was no way out of that, I should try to find a way out …I should, but I can't say I will._

_I should tell Izzie to forgive Alex completely and just fully give in to the temptation she is trying to hide from everyone, because way down deep Alex is a good guy. And I know, she'd have to dig __really deep__, but in the end, Alex is the kind of guy who would be the one to lift you up and carry you out of your worst nightmare. And that had to count for something._

_I should be more attentive to my mother … it isn't her fault she ended up this way. I'm just angry and disappointed, I know she was miserable when I was young, I mean, how could I not with all the blood and all the terror and all the screaming and all the endless hurt. But she's hopeless now, and that's not her fault._

_I should befriend Derek and have hope that one day he will be my friend too._

_I should be a better intern again, get back on top of my game; I should be the one to beat._

_I should tell Cristina to tell Burke that she unequivocally loves him, because whether he said it to "sleeping her" or just plain old her, he said it – he said he loves her – which is more than I can say for a lot of other people._

_I should resolve to stop dreaming about making love to Derek every night – stop tormenting myself – find someone available and nice, someone who's also damaged, someone who might actually "get me", find that way out, a way out of the memory of his hands and mouth all over me. My mind was relentless with pure torture – dreaming about another woman's man – I should let it all go, fly out of me, but I know I won't, I just can't seem to part with visions of Derek lulling me to sleep every night … I just can't stop __seeing__ Derek._

_I should do a lot of things. But only time would tell._

As the tedious collection of thoughts ran amuck in my head, I realized just how deafening the silence around me actually was and I kind of felt like everything was not _really_ happening at all. It was almost like people were talking without speaking and moving without taking action. It was as if I was a witness or just some bystander to it all in some polarizing alternate universe. Even though deep down, I knew I wasn't.

I wished someone would just shake me awake for real, or just end this halfway house feeling that consumed me, but I was incredibly tired. So instead I closed my eyes to it all and saw the beautiful angry sea of Derek's blue eyes and got lost in them immediately. Eventually, I focused so intensely that all I could see were the pits of his pupils, _the gateway to his sad soul_, and I silently wept inside. Then almost without warning, _my old friend_, the solace of darkness came and blurred my focus on his raging eyes, halting the images and mantras in my head from their relentless battle of good over evil.

**Chapter 2 to follow.**


	2. Chapter 2, Closer to Fine, Part 1 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note:**

**I love the Indigo Girls and this song just propels me into thinking about the impossible and making it possible, and it kind of made me think about Meredith when I was writing this next chapter, which is a two-parter. Thanks for reading, please comment so I know how I'm doing here. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 2 – Closer to Fine**

Lyrics for Indigo Girls – "Closer to Fine":

I'm trying to tell you something about my life  
Maybe give me insight between black and white  
And the best thing you've ever done for me  
Is to help me take my life less seriously  
Its only life after all  
Yeah

Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable  
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear  
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket  
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it  
I'm crawling on your shores

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains  
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains  
There's more than one answer to these questions  
Pointing me in a crooked line  
And the less I seek my source for some definitive  
(the less I seek my source)  
The closer I am to fine  
The closer I am to fine

And I went to see the doctor of philosophy  
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee  
He never did marry or see a b-grade movie  
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me  
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind  
Got my paper and I was free

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains  
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains  
There's more than one answer to these questions  
Pointing me in a crooked line  
The less I seek my source for some definitive  
(the less I seek my source)  
The closer I am to fine  
The closer I am to fine

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.  
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend  
And I woke up with a headache like my head against a board  
Twice as cloudy as Id been the night before  
And I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains  
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains  
Yeah we go to the doctor, we go to the mountains  
We look to the children, we drink from the fountains  
Yeah we go to the bible, we go through the workout  
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout  
There's more than one answer to these questions  
Pointing me in a crooked line  
The less I seek my source for some definitive  
(the less I seek my source)  
The closer I am to fine X 3

**Chapter 2 – Closer to Fine – Part 1 of 2**

I roll over in my bed and my bones feel rigid and atrophied. The opposite side of the pillow feels cool against my cheek. A glimmer of a thought surfaces my subconscious, but like a pro, I push it away. My breathing is regular, an improvement compared to the erratic heartbeat I had awoken with for the past several days. I know a new day is upon me, my skin reacts to the dawn of this new day, my eyelids flutter, yet I lay perfectly still in my bed and try to ignore it – _will it all away_ – because I am done. When something is done, it's done and I have had it!

I am unwilling to open my eyes to another dreadful day of this God forsaken mandatory leave of absence. There is something called _post traumatic stress disorder_ and apparently the Chief wants me to be all "whole and healed" (which means he hardly knows me at all) _before_ returning to work.

I mean, I have to admit, I'm not completely me, then again I haven't been completely me since Addison showed up and Derek still wanted _me_, but then chose _her_ anyway. Back then, I was me and I was fantastic. I was the one to beat and now … _now _I'm the one who's on a mandatory leave of absence for sticking my hand on that bomb! See where hopeless gets you? In my case convalescing at home, while the world spins around and around and everyone moves on without me.

And the thing is, it's all a load of crap. I sit here with nothing to do, but study and do laundry and ponder the complex nature of my existence, while my _friends_, no, my _competition_ get in on all the surgeries and all the good cases, leaving me in the dust with dozens of cupcakes in the process.

"Crap!" I exclaim to no one, purposely keeping my eyes shut because I am alone, a loner with no one, _no-thing_ that can help me make the last three days of this lame ass alternate universe end more swiftly.

I slowly open my eyes; the morning light stealthily seeps in through my window and casts short shadows along the four walls. At least it isn't raining, and then I smile, _for the first time in a while_, I crack a smile. I could go out for a walk, it wouldn't be unheard of, it may even do me some good, let the fresh air fill my lungs. Maybe I could finally rid myself of that bloody, metallic, burning tissue, _yet hospital room odor_ that has haunted me for about a week now.

Of course I wouldn't tell Izzie I was going out, she's been treating me like I have a failing heart or something akin to it anyway. She would worry about my dizzy spells – _which have tapered off_ – and she would say it would be unwise to go out without all of my faculties, that if I didn't watch out I might end up in someone's basement with a bottle of lotion – no – _George_ would say that. But my point is: _I. Am. Fine. _

I know she means well, but seriously, if I eat another muffin or cupcake, I might just barf and give her something to really worry about. I wonder what she left for me today. I swear if I don't make a big enough dent in the food, she thinks I am starving myself all day. I'm just not like her; I don't have oodles of food with me all the time, or stuffed in my locker, or _whatever_. After the first couple of days I tossed some of the food, just to avoid her incessant questioning about my intake and output. This is _so_ over!

_It could be worse though, I could be dead. _

With that thought, I slowly sat up in my bed. The covers were relatively unmoved around me, so I must have slept soundly, yet again. Since the "incident", as we have decided to call it, I had slept better than I had in months, well better than I had since Addison had showed up.

I tossed the warm sheets aside, swung my legs around and prepared to stand, the cooler air hit me like a wall and I shivered involuntarily. Placing my feet firmly on the cool wooden floor, I took a deep breath and stood. _Not dizzy_. The second morning in a row, and I'm not dizzy, a small miracle to be thankful for.

I stepped with caution over to my chair to grab my robe, the tee and panties I had on were hardly enough, my skin was rough with fresh goose bumps and I felt my nipples crystallize in response to the cooler temperature. I slowly padded my way to the bathroom, stopping at my dresser for my cell phone; I slipped it into the pocket of my robe. I made my way to the bathroom and raised my robe, sat down on the toilet, peed, wiped and flushed. As I stood, I let my robe fall around my legs and the warmth hugged me again. I washed my hands and stepped back into my room, the clock on my bedside table stared at me, silently declaring war for the long day ahead: 8:02 AM.

I turned and left the bedroom, walking slowly down the hallway towards the steps. Another day of imprisonment …if memory serves, George will be the first one home at around 6:00 PM – _and that translates into one long ass day by myself_ – this house turned into a vacuum of space and time when no one else was around, it was like limbo. I could watch my mom's surgical tapes, but I don't know if I can stomach it, just the visual aids coupled with that horrific burning flesh smell that has somehow lodged itself in my nostrils might be something that I'm not ready for yet, _although I would never tell Cristina that_.

I reached the steps and steadied myself on the top landing for a moment, just to make sure the vertigo would be kept at bay, _so far so good_, I coached myself. I took one step down, stopping to gather my robe with my free hand, while grasping onto the railing with my other. _So far so good_.

As I made my way down the steps I could feel the rejuvenation of my body. Over the course of the last several days, my limbs became more agile again, the free-floating sensation I had experienced began to dissipate, and my nerve endings and capillaries seemed to be self-soothing or healing at a remarkable rate. The all-consuming achy feeling was finally beginning to ebb. As I placed my feet on the last step, my cell phone shrieked, jarring my heart as the sound infiltrated the quiet around me. I stepped down to the cold hard wood floor and fished the phone from my pocket. I held the LCD up to see who it was – _Derek_ – my heart skipped a full beat.

Derek was calling me?

_Brill, brill_

Why was Derek calling me?

_Brill, brill_

Should I answer?

_Brill, brill_

Was this a second chance kind of thing?

_Brill, brill_

What if something is wrong with Derek, or Doc, what if …

_Brill, brill_

"Um, hello?" I answered against my better judgment.

"Meredith," my name rolled off his tongue with a hint of relief. My insides tingled on command and I could tell he was smiling.

"Yes, Derek," I smiled as I walked through the main entryway and sat down on the sofa in the living room.

"How are you feeling, I heard you were dizzy, a little light-headed, do you need me to …," his voice trailed off with uncertainty.

"No, actually, I don't need a checkup. I'm feeling better, more, you know … _centered_, I wasn't dizzy this morning or yesterday," I said truthfully.

"Good, good, so you know, I know this could be strange, _well it is strange_, but I was also calling to see if you might want to get out for a little bit, meet up and take Doc out for a short walk with me, if you're feeling up for it," he rambled softly as I got lost in the warm timbre of his voice.

"You … you want me to meet you, Derek, what do you … _want_?" I challenged him, but the truth was I was acutely afraid of his answer.

"Look, I need to make sure you're alright and Doc misses you and you need to get out, it will help with your recovery … we … you know, _we could be friends Meredith_," he choked the last part out with haste.

"Friends? I don't think so, we can't, _you and me_, Derek, we can't, we have to live in this limbo, you made your –"

"Don't say it, just don't, I know what I did," he said flatly, cutting me off.

"We don't need reminders Derek, think about your life, think about your _wife_, I'm sure Addison would be uncomfortable with it, and this is my second chance, and you know … this life," I sighed, my nerve endings began to swell with pressure, how long could I pull this off, _resist him_, not surrender to his pull on my soul?

"I know, I get it, so why can't we be friends the second time around?" he persisted.

"I don't know, because it doesn't erase all the pain and suffering, I still have to live with all that, second chance or not – _we can't erase history_ – we have to move on," I sighed into the phone; a layer of nerves ripped through my body, my skin was covered with dew instantly.

"I know, but so do I Meredith, I need clarity, or I think I've also been given another chance, or something close to it, I can't explain it over the phone, c'mon meet me …_please,_" he pleaded.

_I wasn't sure how to proceed, my heart was screaming "yes" and my mind was bellowing a big fat "no, run away as fast as you can", except I found myself caving, how could I deny the inevitable while taking this second chance I was destined to live out?_

"Well, okay … no! I can't. Crap," I sighed in response to my own weakness. "I can't meet you Derek," I choked out heavily, attempting to regulate my breathing. My heart pounded into my chest and it felt like a thousand hummingbirds were clawing at my throat, just clamoring to escape from my body.

"You can't or you _won't_ Meredith?" he asked directly.

"I can't," deciding the truth was best.

"What do you mean?" he demanded softly.

"I don't trust myself around you, not when I'm like this – _less than myself_ – I can't, plus I don't trust myself to drive yet either, I just, _I might get dizzy._ I'm supposed to be back to work in a few days, no doubt to run labs, so you know, I have to be able to _walk_ straight," I said noncommittally.

"Meredith, look this isn't easy for either of us, but I'll come to you, okay, just even if you don't trust me, just try to – _on this __one__ thing_ – please," he pleaded softly, I heard his breath hitch and I knew what I had to do.

"Alright," I conceded.

"Okay, alright, so when should I come?"

"Is an hour okay?" I asked, suddenly stymied, thinking about how wrong this could go.

"See you then," he said softly. And then just above a whisper he added, "_And Meredith, don't worry, it will all be fine, you'll be fine_," and the line disconnected and he was gone.

I closed my eyes and shifted lower on the sofa, tilting my head back, I looked at the ceiling for answers._ "What did I do, what did I do, what did I do?"_ I whispered to myself for the second time within a week.

What did I do? I think I just made a date with the devil, I smiled. It was either that or bought my ticket on an express train to hell!

But see, the thing is, this is supposed to be my second chance and I need to see it through, do things differently. I need to go with my instincts and see where they take me. I just finished saying I would try to befriend Derek and today was about giving him the chance to be my friend, today was a test, or something.

_What exactly did I do? Only time would tell._

**Chapter 2 – Closer to Fine – Part 2 of 2 to follow.**


	3. Chapter 2, Closer to Fine, Part 2 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thank you for reading and for commenting!  
**

**Chapter 2 – Closer to Fine – Part 2 of 2  
**

This was weird. Derek was at my door. He didn't typically come over. If fate or karma was meant to come out on top – _he shouldn't be at my door_ – but that didn't change the fact that he was … at my door.

_Right now._

Like I said, this was weird – _the bell chimed again_ – I hate "indecisive me", I always seem to get myself into situations where "indecisive me" rears her head, especially when Derek is involved. He just does something to me, makes me feel like a teenager instead of a surgical intern and that's just so damn infuriating.

"Meredith?" his muffled call came from the other side of the door, _although, he sounded much further away_.

I sighed once, grasping onto the doorknob tightly. I took a deep breath and pulled it open, "Derek_,_" I said breathlessly, because _that's_ what he did to me and I couldn't help but smile.

Derek smiled tightly, he was wearing a cobalt blue Patagonia and jeans with a long john's style shirt underneath and he looked about as uncomfortable as I did, but handsome. He was always handsome, my heart leapt into my throat. The sunlight shone brightly behind him and it made his eyes – _although tired_ – sparkle like I hadn't seen them do in a long time. He looked centered.

"Hey," I said interrupting his gaze, smiling slightly. He scanned my face, without a doubt making some mental notes on his first impression of me, _always a doctor_, checking me out.

After he called, I tried to pull myself together, but in the end decided it was just Derek and it was just a walk with Doc, not a walk down the aisle, so I slipped on my favorite jeans, a heather gray Henley and a pair of running shoes.

"Hey," he said in return. "Doc's in the car, but I was thinking, you know that park a couple blocks away, how about there? You look more tired than I thought you would … we could even drive," he offered, somehow unable to give up on our time.

"Sounds good," I agreed and grabbed my quilted black North Face off the hook and pulled it on. Derek held the door open and I stepped outside the house for the first time in days. The air felt good. We walked past the old porch swing and down the steps to his car.

As soon as Doc spotted me through the windows, he began to systematically bound back and forth on the back seat, he was barking excitably and his happiness from seeing me pulled on my heart in an unexpected way, I guess I missed him more than I thought I did.

Loveable and as destructible as he was, I was sure he had been much happier at Derek's. I would have to remember that later today when Derek would have to take him away again. Derek opened the passenger door for me, I looked up to him – _I wanted to reach up and kiss him_ – but I didn't want to be the one to cross _that_ line. I felt better than I had all week, Derek didn't even have to say a word and I just felt more grounded or something … he just did that to me sometimes. I smiled again and slipped inside the car without a word.

Doc immediately poked his head in between the seats and pushed his nose into the back of my shoulder, I turned in my seat and reached for him and covered his furry head with kisses, "I missed you too Doc, I really did," I choked out and felt my eyes glass over with unexpected emotion.

Derek opened his door and slipped inside, he looked at me, Doc barked at him. "_Meredith, do you feel okay?_" he asked quietly.

"Oh, yeah, I'm okay, better than okay," I smiled and closed my eyes, forcing the waiting tears out; they spilled onto my cheeks betraying me instantly. I turned slightly and wiped the tears away with the backs of my hands. Derek sighed and shook his head, _but not in judgment_, I know he's used to seeing "emotional me", but somehow this was a little different, deeper, more intense.

"_Meredith, it will all be okay, you'll be fine_," he said reassuringly and I knew he was trying to comfort both of us with his words.

We drove to the park in an easy silence. I never felt completely _uncomfortable_ around Derek, despite all that had gone down, I just didn't. I missed him too much, probably more than I should have, but there was nothing I could ever do about that and now I wasn't sure I wanted to change the way I felt … _I missed Derek_. I think he missed me too and I thought I should tell him so.

_Well, maybe, maybe not_.

The thing is, after last week I've come to realize you can't help who you love and even if he can't love me back … at least one day I hope I can _un-love_ Derek and set myself free of him – _of the idea of him and me_ – but not before I might say some things to him, this is _my_ second chance after all, I smiled at the thought.

"Looks like a nice day for a walk," Derek said as we pulled up to the park.

_And it was, it was a beautiful day, the sky was slightly overcast, the air was mild and it felt good against my bare skin as I stepped out of the car. The sun was shining high in the sky and every once in a while, a glimmer of its beautiful light and rays could be seen, it felt good to be out of the house. I waited for Derek to release Doc from the confines of the car. As soon as he did Doc took off, but before he got too far, he turned to us and yelped, maybe checking to see if it was okay, or just wanting us to follow him, so we did._

As I took in the scene around me, everything seemed so clean and clear, the trees and flowers were all so vibrant, the air crisp, I felt kind of like I was seeing the park for the first time – _through fresh eyes_ – it was kind of like a dream and suddenly that hovering feeling I had gotten used to was back. I sighed as Doc continued to jog ahead, peeking back every couple of minutes to check on us I imagine.

"See how he keeps checking on you?" Derek asked, as if reading my mind.

"Yeah, I missed him, more than I realized," I sighed and shoved my hands into my warm pockets.

"He misses you too, I think … maybe more than he realizes," Derek said, and for less than a second, I realized maybe Derek wasn't talking about Doc at all.

Derek placed his hand to the small of my back, "Lets sit over here while he runs around," he said, pointing to a nearby bench. We sat down and Doc ran up to us, making a mental note of our location and then without another thought, he turned and scampered off. I watched Doc jumping and scampering around and it was easy to get lost in his carefree movements.

As I sat there dangerously close to Derek, calling for the karma demons to come get me for sitting here – _still very emotionally involved with my married ex-lover, love of my life, first boyfriend_ – whatever the label, it didn't make it right … my heart began to shake in my chest. I mean, I like to think I'm a rational person, a respectful person, and a reasonable person. But when something happens, _like sticking your hand on a bomb and living to tell about it_, well, it kind of throws the rational, respectful and reasonable person to the wolves, it makes that side of a person take a walk on the wild side.

Suddenly, I could feel Derek's energy all around me, like a halo or something, just his proximity seemed to be enough to give me the courage I needed to tempt fate. The fact that we were alone and outside the hospital seemed like a golden moment to talk to him, _really talk_, and say things, _big things_.

I took a deep breath to try to quell my racing heart, _this could be disastrous_, I mean the last time I said something big to him, he left me in the dust for Addison. But now there was too much at stake with my new lease on life and I felt the need to be daring or bold or _demanding_. In the back of my mind, I also knew Derek wanted things to change, at least I saw that in his eyes and I heard it without so many words when we spoke earlier on the phone.

Keeping my eyes trained on Doc, I slowly reached over and took Derek's hand in mine … sparing with karma. He flinched, _and not in a bad way_, at our physical contact. I heard his breathing hitch and then his body relaxed. His hand felt warm and familiar and comforting, his skin smooth, his long surgeon's fingers instinctually wrapped around mine. I looked down, amused by our perfect fit.

"Still a perfect fit," he said steadily.

"Yeah, are you sure you don't mind …," was all I could choke out, my heart raced and a vision of Addison's perfectly made up face popped in and out of my mind. I pushed her away with all my power.

_I looked up to him and was struck by his unwavering gaze and my heart zoomed into another galaxy and beyond. I turned slightly, bending my leg to sit like a jackknife; boldly touching my knee to his thigh – thump, thump thump – went my heart. Derek tightened his hold on my hand. Lost in his eyes, I kind of felt like nothing else mattered and the world around us disappeared even though I knew it was wrong to succumb to my feelings. I was about to speak, but he beat me to it._

"No, Meredith, I don't mind," he smiled genuinely and shook his head. "What I wanted to say before on the phone isn't fair and it's wrong, _I'll warn you_, but I think I should start saying things. After last week, I think I should and, and well, _I think you should too when you're ready_."

Derek raised our hands and kissed the top of mine. Just feeling the soft pressure of his lips against my bare skin was beyond words, it felt like his touch seared my skin and an electric current ran though my entire body, softening the hard edges of my nerve endings, calling for me to wake up after being in a dormant state for so long … and like I said, what Derek did to me was indescribable. I pulled back a little bit to escape the intensity of the moment, but he wouldn't stand for that and without words he pulled me forward into him, most likely –_craving proximity and seeking clarity_ – just like me, he sucked in a deep breath and began speaking to me in a hushed tone.

"The other day when Cristina told me it was you … that you were the one with your hand on that bomb – _my world stopped_ – I was devastated. I can't explain it," he stopped to take deep breath. "No, I _can_, fear crippled me Meredith – _the fear of losing you, the fear of the hopelessness I inflicted upon you_ – just concentrated fear consumed me and I swear to you …I swear I died a little bit in that moment," he paused, I was stuck, there was no way for me to look away. "My blood rushed from my veins and all I could think about was closing Tucker up and getting to you and replacing my hand for yours … Tucker … he nearly crashed in that moment before I regained control of his surgery," tears pooled in his eyes and he just shook his head with shame and let them fall.

_I wasn't sure what to say to that, for deep down I knew Derek cared about me. I knew he didn't mean to do what he did in keeping Addison from me. I knew it wasn't done with malice, rather deep-rooted fear of his own. _

So in this moment, I did what I had to do – _I_ _pulled myself even closer to him_ – entering his personal space without hesitation. I could feel Derek's anxious energy and I tried to absorb it. I wanted to say something, but in a strange way I needed to hear the rest of his confession as if my last breath depended on it, so I squeezed his hand instead.

He stifled a small sob and continued. "Then, when the bomb actually exploded …," the sob wracked his body just then and he broke down, unable to finish his thought.

More tears popped out of his eyes and covered his face within seconds; he took a ragged breath in to steady himself. He was literally drowning in pain, crumbling in front of my eyes – _my chest tightened to think about how he felt that day and how he felt right now_ – I unclasped my hands from his and wiped his tears away from hit hot face with my thumbs, keeping my fingers locked around his skull as I did.

"Shh, Derek," was all I could mutter.

"I could hear the explosion down the hall, my OR shook with aftershocks and Meredith, I wanted to run and find you, but I was petrified to actually _see_ what I might find," Derek cupped my face with his hands and just looked at me like I was some kind of idol he was silently praying to.

All I could hear was his raspy breathing as his eyes scanned my glassy ones. He looked like he was trying to reassure himself once again that I was indeed alive and then he spoke again, barely audible, his voice shaky with suppressed emotion.

"And then I knew it … I knew I was still in love with you and I disintegrated on the inside with the thought that I might not ever get the chance to tell you that, that you might be gone forever and I would have to live alone and without you," he said, so softly, so deeply lost in his confession. "But you're here now and I'm saying it …," he scanned my eyes. "I love you and I've been in love with you for a while now and I miss you and I need you, _above all else_, I need you," he whispered without blinking.

I was frozen. I stared into his eyes, just millimeters away from mine, less than one inch forward and I could kiss him – _kiss it better, kiss it away – _but I couldn't act on that impulse, _talk about unfair!_ Instead, I placed my hands on top of his and moved them from my face and down to our laps.

"I know, Meredith, I know, it is wrong and unfair for me to say those words to you, but this is the second chance for me too, and I have to start off by telling you the truth and going from there, you know I didn't want to hurt you – "

"Derek," I cut him off. "I wanted to tell you something unfair too, and wrong, _so wrong_, because you don't belong to me – _you're not mine to share secrets with_ – but Derek, how can I not tell you … if we're doing this second chance thing, you deserve to know," I smiled though my own tears, it felt good to release them, there was no going back.

"What I wanted to tell you was – _I miss you too_ – I miss you so much it hurts sometimes. My heart is on fire most days because it hurts so much. For all these months, I wished I was strong enough to make it stop – _make all the missing and all the hurting and all the tragedy go away_ – but I couldn't, I think it's almost in my DNA now," I smiled through the pain and my tears, for the truth hurt, it always did.

_Derek sighed and released my hands to wipe my tears away. His fingers moved slowly across my face and I melted into his touch. He was so close, his body heat was like a radiator and he grazed my skin with his fiery glow. He cupped my skull in his hands and brought my forehead to his lips and kissed my wound from the incident there. His lips felt damp and cool and familiar, they cancelled my pain, I leaned into him and closed my eyes and let his kisses restore and repair me._

_Almost immediately though I felt a sharp pang of panic rip into me. Maybe I had said too much, I felt clammy and clumsy, I don't know, a pit smoldered in my stomach because Derek was not mine to be honest with and even if he had said some things to me I longed to hear – dreamt of even – this was wrong! It was one thing to be the other woman without knowing about it, but quite another thing to be the dirty mistress, and so I pushed my head away from his and stood up._

_But the world was suddenly too big and I stumbled forward, everything was spinning and my sea legs came back and my skin felt prickly! An intense heat raced through my body, spiking my blood pressure and I looked up. Derek raked his hands through his hair and moved into my personal space._

"Whoa, whoa, Meredith, _stay with me_," Derek said softly and I felt his warm hands on me. I opened my eyes to see his; I blinked while he cradled me in his arms. "_You must need your rest_," he said quietly. I heard him whistle to Doc as he steered me towards the car.

What in the hell was happening? I felt like I was falling fast through this shame spiral I created and the _defining edges of this defining moment_ were becoming blurry and disappearing by the second.

I couldn't hold onto it, _the moment_, even though I desperately wanted to, the feeling of his touch on my skin, his breath as it breezed across my cheek, I didn't want it to end so abruptly – _I felt bereft, cheated even_ – like I did the last time things ended abruptly for us. I was lost in the moment, swallowed up by it. Somehow, none of it mattered though because the last thing I remember from our morning together was Derek slipping me into the cool sheets of my bed.

"_Meredith, open your eyes for me please_," he whispered as he kissed my forehead, his familiar musky scent filled my nostrils, and I obliged. I was very tired, it came in waves and suddenly I was thankful I had a few more days of leave.

"_There you are_," he said quietly, his voice barely above a whisper, his smile spoke volumes. "I don't want you to worry, okay, alright, it's all gonna be okay, but you need to rest, Cristina should be here any minute, because I have to go and get Doc home before I go to the hospital."

"It was too much for me at the park," I whispered, feeling instantly tired, like someone bull-dozed my bones.

"Yes," he agreed, smiling, caressing the side of my face with his hand, I melted, temporarily allowing him to comfort me. "But I think you're okay, we'll share more of our _secret feelings_ again another day," he said with a smirk. "And Meredith, I know, I know the timing sucks and that I have done so much wrong already, _I just don't want to continue to wrong us both_, I'm gonna make some changes in my life … and I know you don't trust me, but I'm gonna figure this out and ask you for a second chance."

I smiled and he stood, my eyes started to close. "Cristina knows to call me if anything happens and if you feel dizzy again, I'm gonna want to do a CAT scan to check you out," he said with authority I couldn't argue with.

He walked towards the door. "Derek," I said and he turned to me, he looked beautiful, just like he did that day when I had my hand on that bomb. "You won't understand this yet, but I do trust you, I trust you with my life," I said candidly and then my eyes shut via their own accord.

I heard Derek leave the room and then I thought I heard the Cristina's voice as I drifted off to sleep.

"_What were you doing Shepherd, trying to kill her?" Cristina chastised Derek in a hushed voice, which came out in that familiar hiss she mostly saved for him._

"_I have every right to be here Dr. __Yang__!"he raised his voice to match hers._

"_Excuse__ me, you can't be serious! After everything you have done to her, seriously, what about your wife, your __choice__?"she seethed._

"_Dr. Yang, don't, that's not what this is about!" Derek exclaimed. "Cristina, can't we just do this one thing together?"he pleaded, his tone softening._

"_Do what together, are you kidding me?"_

"_Care for her, we're on the same side here, remember?" he said softly. _

_There was a long pause in the ever-present stalemate between the two enemies._

"_On this one thing, we are, yes," she acquiesced._

"_Page me if anything changes, please," he said softer now._

And then all was quiet, sleep and darkness came for me at once and with it came peace – _peace in my mind and peace in my heart_ – two sensations I had not felt in a long time, if ever at all. Derek had said things, those big things and deep down I knew change was gonna come for me and for _him_. I know I shouldn't trust him, but something told me it would be okay, suddenly something told me this was _our_ second chance.

_But only time would tell_.

**Chapter 3 to follow.**


	4. Chapter 3, Between the Bars, Part 1 of 3

**Chapter 3 – Between the Bars**

So, now you can see the direction I am moving in, one of my main assumptions is the big what if, what if Derek took control of his life after the bomb went off - what if he made those changes in his life because he went to her house that night and had to see if Meredith was okay, what if he owned up to his fate or his feelings? My theory is already at play in this story so if something seems confusing from time to time, it is probably by design and you will probably figure it out at some point, which is good, lol. And yes, I am being elusive on purpose with that part.

Elliot Smith was a very talented singer-song-writer. His songs have been featured in some movies, most notably for "Good Will Hunting" and I love his stuff. He died via his own hand several years ago. The song is soulful and a lot happens in this chapter, so take a listen wherever you can. I would normally post a youtube link here, but I'm not sure if hyperlinks are permitted on this site.

Thanks for the comments.

**Lyrics: Elliot Smith's "Between the Bars":**

Drink up baby  
Stay up all night  
With the things you could do  
You won't but you might  
The potential you'll be  
But you'll never see  
The promises you'll only make  
Drink up with me now  
And forget all about  
The pressure of days  
Do what I say  
And I'll make you okay  
Drive them away  
The images stuck in your head  
People you've been before  
That you don't want around anymore  
That push and shove and won't bend to your will  
I'll keep them still  
Drink up baby  
Look at the stars  
I'll kiss you again  
Between the bars  
Where I'm seeing you there  
With your hands in the air  
Waiting to finally be caught  
Drink up one more time  
And I'll make you mine  
Keep you apart  
Deep in my heart  
Separate from the rest  
Where I like you the best  
And keep the things you forgot  
The people you've been before  
That you don't want around anymore  
That push and shove and won't bend to your will  
I'll keep them still

**Chapter 3 – Between the Bars – Part 1 of 3**

I closed the outer doors to the nursing home and thought with certainty I was gonna to throw up. What the fuck was going on? My mother had an affair … _Oh. My. God …_ I could barely stand it and I don't even know how to process the mess of it all, it's like information overload. And the thing is, _I don't know my father_, so I don't know how their marriage was, but obviously it was unhappy enough if my mother had to seek another relationship.

_I'm sick. I'm … I don't even know what I am anymore … I can't think straight. I need a stiff drink, either that or a killer surgery, anything to take my mind off of my mother's secrets. _

All this time, _well for my whole cognitive existence_, I thought _he_ left _us_, which technically he did. But now I can see that he would have had a reason for it. A reason to leave her – _not me of course_ – he still should have been man enough to hang around for me. Except that I do know my mother and she can be polarizing to an unmanageable degree. I mean just look at me now, with no one else around to care for her except for me, I would laugh if I wasn't so completely horrified.

I walked to my truck, the cool morning air felt good on my skin and refreshed my lungs as I took a couple of deep breaths. My racing heart began to slow to a more normal rhythmic rate. I got in and started the truck, but waited a second before pulling away from the curb. Was this some kind of sick, twisted joke? I wasn't kidding before when I told my mother I was exhausted, the last several months have been exhausting for me, balancing the whole _"outwardly I am fine, inwardly I am disintegrating"_ thing has been tiring, but to add this, it's almost too much!

I pulled away from the curb and into traffic and headed to the hospital. It had been a couple weeks since "the incident" and things had returned to quasi-normal. Derek and I were still in our weird limbo thing, except he had begun to talk to Addison about the status of their relationship and thankfully he had tried to keep me out of it. Even if he and I and Addison and the _rest of the free fucking world_ knew his feelings for me were the catalyst for all that was going on, I just didn't care, _well I cared_, I just didn't want to be intimately involved in the end of their marriage.

All I really cared about was Derek. In this whole mess, all I really cared about was him. His happiness was worth every bit of heartache from those gossip mongers that fed the hospital. The truth was I had done nothing with malice or malcontent; I had done nothing but to fall in love with the right man at the wrong time. Timing, it can be a bitch but I think Derek is working on that … to get us to the right place at the right time, I'm doing my part too; I'm trying to just go with it and trust him.

I walked into the hospital, today was my late start day, but I was secretly cursing that now as I had my mother's sexual innuendos – "_purring like a kitten and growling like a tiger_" – running circles in my brain.

_Someone, make it stop, for the love of everything sacred, my head still swimming, I wonder if she hadn't gotten sick … I wonder if I would have ever found out about her affair. I really need that drink, or a killer surgery, yeah; whatever comes first, sign me up._

I sighed, my mind working in circles, she had to have been seeing someone at the hospital, she said something about the on-call room; maybe I'll ask the Chief if he knows anything, or maybe not. Shit, I guess things weren't that different back then from how they are today and in my case on so many levels, it was all just too ridiculous to ponder.

I went to the locker room to change into scrubs and on my way out I spotted Bailey walking away from the surgical board, probably just checking on things; after all she was the eyes and ears of this place, even if she was on maternity leave. Derek had said Tucker was being released any day now, which of course was great news, really the whole thing, "the incident" seemed so out of bounds, _it was hard to believe it happened at all_. I smiled as she entered Tucker's room at the end of the hallway. The thing about Dr. Bailey was that even though for the most part she petrified me, I was actually looking forward to seeing her and working with her again. Over the last several months, she was the one person who remained consistent in my life – _she was someone who wouldn't shock or disappoint or surprise me_ – she was even and predictable (albeit terrifying) and I'll be honest, she was exactly what I needed most days.

"Bailey's back," Cristina said, her voice laced with satisfaction. "Even though she's not working, order has been restored," she finished as she walked up behind me. I turned to her.

"Yeah, it is, is it crazy that it makes me feel better? Like things are getting back to "normal", whatever that is or was, everything is so different, isn't it?" I asked her, even though I felt a little doe-eyed saying that to her.

"_No. Meredith_," she chastised me, her worried eyes looked tired, I could tell my friend was not happy. "_Nothing_ is different, we are still pond scum around here, we are still interns, we will have no time to ourselves, everything is the same!" she exclaimed.

"You know, I wasn't exactly talking about work-stuff, I was talking about _life-stuff_, kind of like _moving in with your boyfriend but keeping your own apartment_ _kind of life-stuff_," I raised my eyebrow to her, she just didn't get it, I loved her, but most of the time Cristina was on auto-pilot.

"Yeah, well you were right about that, _my secret is out_, Burke _knows_ Meredith," she said evenly, but I could tell she was going to blow.

"About the apartment, you told him?" I asked, inwardly shocked.

"Um, no, it doesn't matter how he found out, the point is, he _knows_ and now, _whatever_, he's treating me like I'm some kind of criminal!"

"You should have said you weren't ready, you should try to be honest with him, if he loves you, he should, you know, _get you_ or at least _know you_, I mean if you want to go all the way, _you should demand it actually_, that he really know you and love you for _you_," I challenged her against my better judgment.

"_Okay_, who are you and what have you done with my person?" she questioned me.

"Cristina look, you just need to deal with it – _your feelings for Burke_ – I mean that's all there is to it, otherwise you'll just always live in this limbo thing, and then you'll never progress or move forward or –"

"If you say fall in love with him and marry him and make babies with him then I'm gonna puke – _no first we're taking an express elevator up to psych and then I'm going to puke_ – seriously Meredith, what in the hell has happened to you?" she hissed, things were getting heated.

"I'm living, I mean, I was always living, but now, you know, I'm over all the angst, Dylan blew up for me, it's the least I can do. I have to go after what I want and what I want is De –" I stopped myself then because, I just knew where this was headed and Cristina would not be able to handle what I was going to say, she wouldn't get it_._

Cristina abruptly took my arm and led me down the hallway to an empty waiting room. I felt like a toddler in trouble. She hissed into my ear. "Meredith, it was Dylan's fucking job to protect you! He didn't die because of you or in spite of you, _you don't owe him_ and yeah, limbo sucks, but it might be all you have, you don't owe _anyone anything_, you certainly don't owe a second chance to _McDreamy!_"

I flinched, she was so far off the mark, she really had no clue! "You're wrong; I owe it to _myself_ to see this thing through! I heaved. "I mean, this is _my _life we're talking about, I don't want to wallow in self-pity anymore! I want to live, fall in love, be the one to beat and go for the brass fucking ring!" I shouted.

_My chest heaved with new passion as I tried to quell my shaking body, but my fury at her censure only grew stronger ... I still had more in me, I had more to say, and it was probably more damaging than I could imagine, unless Cristina woke up and actually listened to me – which was doubtful – but that's what this second chance thing was about, challenging myself, going after what I want out of life and what I wanted right now was everything._

"I want it all, Cristina, _I do_, and no one's gonna stop me!" I shrieked, keeping my eyes trained on her empty ones. I took another deep breath, just trying to calm the raging storm brewing in my soul, but nothing was working, my heart rate and blood pressure shot through the roof and I could feel myself boiling over in pent up rage and frustration at her immaturity and dogmatic viewpoints, I was so mad I looked her square in the eyes, "I love you Cristina, I do – _but not even you can stop me from going after this_ – and I mean it, _not even you_," I said evenly, my chest heaving with relief and fear, the hummingbirds returned to my chest in full force, _thump, thump, thump_.

"Meredith, he's _married_ and you _cannot_ have everything all at the same time! Life just doesn't work that way … and it's an impossible dream to chase! He's not gonna give you what you want, he's full of false promises and false starts, it's over, so fucking over, _remember_?" she hissed.

_She stared me down; sparing me, challenging me to a dual … what was she waiting for? What was she really thinking? Because suddenly, suddenly we weren't talking about me anymore …suddenly it was all so clear._

"Meredith, yes you survived, but now you have to go into protection mode, _you can't trust him_, he'll try to change you, he'll make you regret it, you can't allow him to rule over you, if you really want to live again, you can do this second chance thing _by yourself!_ You don't need someone, you don't need him! You think you have clarity, but you don't, he's the same Derek who lied to you, he's no different!" she bellowed, her chest rising and falling from the delivery of her one-sided debate.

"He may not be different, but I am, _Cristina,_ _I am!_ And you know what, _fine don't trust Burke to love you_, don't go there and go into "protection mode", go build a fucking wall for all I care … that may be fine for you …," I could only look at her then, there was little else to say. "It may be fine for you, but it's not nearly good enough for me," I softened my voice because I saw her mind starting to absorb where I was headed, I put my hand on her shoulder and sat her down next to me.

"Look, I think things are going to change, I really do. I can't explain it and clearly you wouldn't understand where I am coming from because you aren't willing to give Burke even a _first_ _chance_, and you know what, he deserves one," she stared at me in abject horror, but I could give a damn at this point. "Go ahead, raise an eyebrow, but you and I both know he's an honorable guy. And he thinks you want the same things as he does because you've never said otherwise and deep down, you do_, you want it all Cristina_, but you're just scared to admit it," I said, pressing my hand on her forearm.

And then I stood up and walked away from her because I couldn't handle what was happening. I was right, things were changing, changing for the good, she should open her eyes and then she would see more clearly. Burke was just trying to move things forward – _he wasn't hiding a wife_ – he wasn't even asking her to be his wife, yet.

Cristina could have it all and she was tossing it away just to be an auto-pilot. But I had hope that maybe she heard me just now, that maybe she was gonna do something. I had hope for her, for both of us to go after our happy endings and live out our dreams and for some reason I also believed it shouldn't take putting your hand on a fucking bomb to figure this all out! Somehow we have to be able to overcome our fears, take risks, _calculated risks_, to achieve desired outcomes, how can you do that if you're on auto-pilot?

I mean for crying out loud, we're supposed to be the jocks of medicine, a fact she is well aware of, with God-complexes no less! If we all can't go after what we want personally, then how the hell are we going to become ballsy surgeons? If I was gonna use this second chance then I was committing myself to trying this thing with Derek, because I loved him once, _very much_, and deep down I know I still do. I can deny it all I want, but the fact remains, _I want him and no one else_.

_And I know this because there's this invisible line that connects the two of us, this whole time we were apart, we were still infinity connected …we just needed to wait for the timing … I had hope … that the timing would work out ... and soon, before I lost my nerve._

_I had hope, but only time would tell._

**Chapter 3 – Between the Bars – Part 2 of 3 to follow.**


	5. Chapter 3, Between the Bars, Part 2 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks for the lovely comments, it means a lot to hear from you ... Katie, Lola and China ... see, I wouldn't have done this (posted here) if it weren't for you all. Love you gals. Enjoy!  
**

**Chapter 3 – Between the Bars – Part 2 of 3**

_What kind of world are we living in,_ was all I could think. I felt like I was having some kind of out of body experience as I shook my head in disbelief over what just happened.

_Mark Sloan was __here__. In Seattle. The man Derek detested (and with good reason). A man I never thought I would meet, Mark Fucking Sloan, what a turn of events. Shit. Fuck. I'm definitely gonna need a drink later._

As I walked down the hallway to the trauma room the Chief had parked him in, I could only shake my head at the insanity of it all. I had never in my life seen a man hit another man on my behalf or because of me and I have to say, it was like a barroom brawl gone bad, except at the Nurses' Station. Aw crap! This was gonna feed the gossip chain of wolves for days!

When Derek hit Mark – _his head spun around_ – and just the crack of his knuckle to his cheek, the way his body fell, it was like something choreographed for a movie. The sound of the flesh on flesh contact was deafening in a way I can't really describe, it was full of anger and hurt and embarrassment and fear. _It shocked me, but it still felt like a dream, or a nightmare, yeah a nightmare_. Derek really let him have it, finally, after fleeing New York and running away from it all, he finally let loose and did what he probably wanted to do … forever.

I rounded the corner to enter the trauma room and I remembered just how out of place Mark Sloan seemed when he came up to me_, he looked like he belonged more on the set of 'Sex and the City' than in a hospital,_ let alone my crappy life. It was also hard to imagine Derek would be friends with a guy who looked like Mark, I mean he wasn't an intellect or at least didn't carry himself like a surgeon; he was more like a cowboy decked out in Versace.

He definitely had a presence and if I were a casting agent, there would be no one else I would recommend for the role of the antagonist in my sordid life. I mean _seriously_, all dressed in black with the chiseled body, not an ounce of fat, defined facial features, I couldn't have dreamt of a better player.

I smiled as I opened the door. "You can sit here," I instructed him as he turned towards the open door. His unfamiliar male scent filled the otherwise sterile room, reeking of testosterone and unwavering confidence.

I stepped up to the cart and began to gently clean his wound and my thoughts moved to Addison and what she might see in Mark. Funny now that I have met him, I have to say, she looked like she belonged more with him than with Derek – _although New York Derek was probably a great deal different than Seattle Derek_ – I mean with a wife and best friend who looked like that, he would have needed to be different, not so Marlboro Man-ish.

"Derek and I always did have the same taste in women," Mark said, pulling me from my racing mind.

"Excuse me?" I asked, raising my brow, curious to where he was going with this.

"You're Derek's lusty intern, right? I heard about you all the way back in New York. You're famous," he half-flirted with a suggestive tone.

"Hmm, well I heard about you all the way here in Seattle so we have _that_ in common," I offered noncommittally.

"We're the dirty mistresses," he smirked.

"Correction, _you're_ the dirty … whatever, I've done nothing wrong in this whole mess!" I said incredulously.

"What? He's another woman's man!" he challenged.

My cheeks turned beet red at his accusation, and not because he wasn't right– _because he __was_ – but because of the shame I felt when I first found out about Derek's secret. My cheeks still burned red whenever I thought about how disowned I felt during those first weeks after Addison showed up. It was far worse than anything my parents ever did to me, for I had grown up abandoned – _orphaned almost_ – and that was my life, my station, my destiny, I knew no different, but what Derek did to me, the pain and loneliness was pure hell.

"I didn't know Derek was married when I was with him, he ah … he never told me," I said softly and felt again just how much the truth hurt, _there was something about saying it out loud_, I hadn't needed to confess that to anyone in a long time. I lay the needle and dauber on the tray table to quell my shaking hands. Taking a deep breath; I picked the instruments up again.

"Wow, you know, I can't actually believe he did that to you …_that's not him, you know_, he's a good guy, he's a decent man," he offered as an explanation, defending his friend until the end. "Here, you hold the mirror, I'll get this done," he said and grabbed the needle from the table, passing the mirror to me.

"I do know that, that he's a good man, even though I was crushed, more than that actually, I really … I really loved him then," I said quietly.

Mark worked on his face, he didn't even flinch, but I have to remember – _this is the stuff movies are made from _– and he was kind of roguish, so it didn't surprise me. I had to smile at his bravado.

"Why are you here anyway?" I asked boldly, it was none of my business of course, but this was my second chance and I was taking it.

"I heard from Addison, heard about the whole thing with the bomb and the thing with Derek and his secret feelings for you and I, well … _she didn't invite me_ … but …," his voice trailed off as he focused on his wound.

I held the mirror straight, suddenly thankful he took over when he did, my heart began to race at the news that Derek had spoken to Addison about his second chance – _the whole truth_ – the reasons behind it, I couldn't believe it.

"You still love her then?" I asked.

"It's complicated," he offered.

"I know it is for me too. Can I ask you something, _you can say no_," I stated with haste.

"Go ahead, make my day," he said, sounding a bit too much like Clint Eastwood, but without intention. He winced through the pain as he smiled.

"Was she worth losing Derek over, I mean before you knew I was me, you shamelessly flirted with me, _while you were here looking for her_, you don't make much sense, do you?" I asked the hard questions.

"Honestly?" he asked.

"Honestly," I answered.

"I'm not sure she was, but I was rotten to her, bound to lose her – _and the shameless flirting, it's just my style, it doesn't make it right_ – I know that. I do know I miss her, we have a history now ... sordid and shameful in some ways but I do, I miss them – _I miss him more_ – but I've fucked it all up, kinda wish I could go back in time in a way, sad and pathetic, I know," he reflected.

"Nope, I've cornered the market on sad and pathetic, just ask the nurses around here," I smiled at my own self-deprecating joke. "You'll have to leave and be sad and pathetic elsewhere," I teased lightly, trying to undo the melancholy for us both as Mark stitched the last stitch.

"I'm sure you might already know this, but he's going to ask her for a divorce, you know … _and soon_. And well, I'm just here to pick up the pieces when they fall," he explained.

"I didn't know that," I placed the mirror on the cart. "Derek, well, we're talking, you know after the incident, _the bomb_, but we haven't crossed any lines – _real or imaginary_ – I've been letting him handle it," I sighed. "You know in a strange way, it's none of my business."

"It's none of mine either," he offered.

"Maybe we do have more in common than I thought," I smiled. "It was …_weird_ … meeting you Mark," I said and smiled again and then I turned to leave the room.

"Hey Meredith, can I ask you, ah …how did you forgive him, I mean you love him still, right? You wouldn't turn your back on him now, would you, after everything you've been through?" he asked with almost a hopeful tone in his voice.

"Yes, I do … _love him_," my heart raced at the boldness of my confession to this perfect stranger. "It's hard to explain what goes on between the two of us, but this whole time I never really did, _turn my back_, I mean he's not the kind of guy you walk away from if you don't have to," I smiled and Mark's eyes told me he understood perfectly.

"I just tried to move on, let my feelings pass, or something … kind of hard here, with them around me all the time, you know," I smiled at the truth and so did Mark. For split-second I saw that he didn't mean to betray Derek all those months ago to the point Derek would walk away from _him_.

I left the room then, there was nothing else I could say or wanted to say to Mark Sloan. He seemed a nice enough man, a man who made a terrible mistake once and betrayed someone he loved – _sounds like someone else I know_ – maybe they had more in common than we all thought.

One thing was for sure, I left that room with my dignity and heart intact. I was moving on, I was still taking that second chance, and from what I heard, Derek was too. And for the first time in months, my soul was flying high with spirit and untamed hope for what the future might bring for me _and_ for Derek, both together and apart from each other.

_But only time would tell.  
_

**Chapter 3 – Between the Bars – Part 3 of 3 to follow.**


	6. Chapter 3, Between the Bars, Part 3 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks for the comments. Enjoy.  
**

**Chapter 3 – Between the Bars – Part 3 of 3**

I pulled out of the hospital parking lot with one thing on my mind: _cheating_. All these thoughts raced around in my head and I couldn't stop them, they just propelled and became more and more intense until I had an impulse – _I would find my father_ – I would get it over with and see him, now that I knew he wasn't totally to blame, maybe I could stomach it … my second chance was daring me to meet him.

As I navigated to the address I had written down, I thought about how my day went from one strange moment to another – _all this talk about cheating_ – first my mother, then Mark and Addison. And then Burke's patient and his need to send hate mail to everyone he ever _met_, including some girlfriend of his who cheated on him in college. She broke his heart so badly that he was still thinking about her on his deathbed. Then it turned out he survived but he was still _so_ broken he sent the tapes anyway. What a fucking joke it all was, cheating definitely could cultivate hate. But this was my second chance and I didn't want to end up that way… on my deathbed surrounded by my regrets, so I had to do something bold.

Look at Derek even, his disdain for Addison and Mark, although deserved, definitely cultivated a hate he probably never encountered before they broke him. _Hate, hate, hate._ I wonder if my father hated my mother for what she did to him – _and if I was going to ask the hard question_ – I would have to ask if he hated me too. After all, he left me; he left me with a substandard parent. Who does that? Someone selfish and full of shame and hate is my best guess.

_I pulled up to the house and checked the number against the slip of paper I had balled in my fist. The paper shook like a leaf, my hands humming with nerves. I cut the engine off and took a staggering breath to steady myself, suddenly feeling light headed and sick to my stomach, my mother would die if she knew I was here. Shit._

I sat there for several minutes more, this neighborhood wasn't so far away from my mother's house … my house … _his old house_. When I asked Derek earlier if he thought Addison wouldn't have cheated on him if they had children, I suppose I was mostly thinking about my father leaving me and my mother cheating on him. She cheated on him and she had me to think about, yet it seems she didn't consider me. She didn't think about me and how her actions might change my life and that terrified me, deep down in my very core – _I realized they both abandoned me to save themselves_ – I shivered at the disappointing fact, and then I was pissed!

I got out of the truck with a fire burning in my heart. I walked up the pathway and I pressed the doorbell. I took another deep cleansing breath, _just take it one moment at a time_; it's all anyone could do.

_What have I done? Too late now, I was about to find out. Shit._

My father opened the door and he was nothing of what I expected, I mean he looked like an older version of himself from the photographs I had memorized over the years. I felt a flash of something course through my body when I saw him recognize me, except I didn't know what to say, suddenly I was completely tongue-tied, my anger vanished with my voice.

"She had an affair," I blurted out.

"Ye...yes."

"Why didn't you stay and fight for us?" I asked the hard question, _I was getting good at that._

He stepped outside the house and closed the door, "I did. I tried," he said flatly.

"Why didn't you try harder? You just left," I pushed him, I was so confused.

"Meredith," he said, his voice, soft, gentle, like the kind of guy who wouldn't harm a fly, but at the sound of my name crossing his lips, I felt those waiting tears pop from my eyes and I wiped them away with haste.

"Is there anything you need? Anything at all?" he offered sincerely.

"No. ... I don't need anything from you," and that was the truth.

_I scanned his face once more trying to adhere it to my memory bank for later. I wondered if he ever pictured this reunion like I had many times, only in my version I would yell and scream and release all the hate and disappointment I carried with me throughout my life. But this meeting was entirely different, neither of us quite knew what to do and I was at a loss for words so I turned away from him and ran down the pathway to the safety of my truck._

_I felt like a toddler whose world just got a little bit bigger and suddenly I was terrified. I needed to redefine my boundaries; I needed to know where I belonged! I needed a drink or to talk to Derek, no a drink would suffice. I could deal with this on my own, I didn't need any help. I needed to go home and close my door off to the world and just be, be alone and process all the insanity._

_I drove home with blinders on. I so badly wanted to curl up in my bed and just forget about everything. Thankfully when I arrived, no one was home. I swiftly went to my room closed the door and started a scalding hot shower._

Steam filled the small room almost instantly, bringing the warm humidity with it, it covered me like a cloak, masking my senses – _causing my head and sinuses to swell with the pressure from all that happened_ – maybe a bath would be better. I was suddenly so tired, I could barely stand. I heard this could happen, chronic fatigue after a traumatic incident like I experienced was relatively "normal" and now I knew what Derek meant, it would come in waves and I just needed to ride it out.

I turned the shower off and heard a knock at the door. I crossed the room, opened the door and found George standing on the other side. He looked terrible, like he hadn't slept, he looked weighed down with something major, _he was_ _consumed by it, I could tell_.

"George, come in, are you okay?" I greeted him.

"I should be asking you that, you know, you've been through a lot," he shrugged and entered the room.

"No, you're always there for me, but you seem … what's up?" I asked.

George stood there, stymied, like he was stuck in quicksand or something. His eyes were exhausted, his skin pale, he looked like if he didn't say what was on his mind, he was going to throw up or something. As he gathered his nerve to say this "big something", I started to feel uneasy, which scared the shit out of me, because as always the case in my life, tragedy was amuck and _anything_ was possible. Most of the time I took twenty steps forward and thirty steps back, so the suspense of this potential step _back_ was killing me!

George moved closer to me, entering my personal space, he put his hands on my shoulders and I thought for a second he was going to tell me someone was dead or something and then he finally he spoke.

"I know I'm not a world renowned surgeon and I know I'm not a lot of things that you've gone for in the past. I know. ... but ... I would never leave you ... I would never hurt you ... and I will never stop loving you," he said softly, his voice ever so shaky with unease.

"Oh George," I sighed in relief.

But the moment I relaxed, I realized what just happened, his confession hit me like a like a tidal wave, because it was big, _really big_. I always knew George had feelings for me, hell everyone knew, I just chose to ignore his mediocre advances. I was consumed with my feelings for Derek and it would have hardly been fair to get involved with anyone I _actually_ cared about once the thing with Derek was over. Even if there was some kind connection or physical attraction and in this case, there was none, nada, zilch – _on my part_ – I couldn't do that to him, not even I was _that_ selfish!

_He leaned in – I instinctually pulled away – I placed my hands on his chest in gentle protest._

"George. No. It wouldn't be fair, you're _you_, you're George _and as much as I would love to get lost in you and all you have to offer,_ you can't love us both enough, _in that way_, to make it right or to make it work," I explained gently.

"Crap," was all he said as unshed tears welled in his eyes.

"Oh George, come here, come on," I took his hand and led him over to my bed. We sat together for a beat, he sank into me, he felt heavy and guarded and I could tell his wall was under construction.

Rejection permeated the room between the two of us and the sad feelings would suffocate us soon if I didn't say something. This was so hard, for I knew how George felt; we all did at some point or another.

"George, I'm sorry, _I am_, you know that right … but you know, you said it yourself once – _replacements don't work_ – even if they're temporary, you said I deserved more than just a replacement, and I think you were right," I sighed. "At the time I didn't, but I do now. And you deserve to have your love returned in kind. And the truth is …," I took a deep breath because I was about to be pretty fucking daring. "The truth is George; I don't want to replace Derek. _I want Derek_," I said with immense relief, it felt good and scary to say that out loud again.

_George snapped his head around so quickly I thought he was going to be sick, he looked at me with such a horrified expression, I didn't know what to make of it. The silence filled my room and I kind of felt like I was in a vacuum, all I could hear was his labored breathing. I took a staggering deep breath of my own, I knew this was hard for George; it was hard for me too._

"What? George?" I prompted.

"Meredith, you can't be serious!" he exclaimed in a harsh whisper.

"But I am George; I'm dead serious, no, _better than that_, I'm second-chance serious."

He just stared at me, he just didn't get it, no one did and I don't know how I expected them too. None of my friends had been in my position – _I could be angry at them all for passing judgment _– but I know they just cared about me. I know I sounded crazy, after all Derek had made his choice, but now it seemed like everything was about to change.

"I told Cristina earlier today and I'll tell you now, I'm not ready to give up on him – _or us_ – I'm just not, and I know what you're gonna say next, that I can't trust him, but I'm gonna try to work on that because I have to. I have to see it through, and I know it seems crazy, but I really don't think it is! I _know_ Derek was terrified to lose me to that bomb, which means he _cares_ George, Derek cares about me …," my stomach flipped upside down at the thought. "And you know what, it's enough for me, _for now_," my voice cracked.

_I stifled a sob, pushing it down into my chest and shook my head at my conviction, but not in shame, there was no shame left in me. _

"_Meredith,_ _wake up_, he's married," he sighed, stating the obvious.

"I know. But I have some faith things will work out for us, which is really crazy, because a couple of weeks ago I had lost all hope," I paused, and turned towards him, my body was humming. "And George, I know it sounds crazy – _but in some bazaar alternate universe_ – Derek and I are _already _together and happy, I swear."

George sighed, keeping his eyes trained on the floor; perhaps on one of the arrow-straight floor boards I liked to look at when I was deep in thought, he spoke softly.

"I hope you know what you're doing Meredith. I mean, _you know I'm on your side_, I'll always be on your side, you know …and apart from secret feelings, you know I will, _be there for you_, I mean it … _I know you'll be fine, in the end, you're a strong person, a strong woman,_" he said sincerely.

"I know George, I know and for what it's worth, I'm sorry …," I sighed, leaning into him for a beat. "But George, _we can do this_, the friends thing, can't we? I know how it feels to be friends with someone you can't _be_ with, trust me, I know. I just want to move over all the weirdness – _skip it_ – can we just try to do that?" I asked, hoping we could move on together.

"Yeah, suppose that's all we can do. _Are you all right?_ I mean otherwise?" he asked sincerely.

"You mean other than I saw my father for the first time in twenty years a little bit ago, I survived a bomb explosion that was in all likelihood meant for me and I'm hopelessly in love with an unavailable man? Yeah, other than that, I'm fine, really I am," and I smiled on the truth.

George stood up and crossed the room to my bedroom door, keeping his hand on the doorknob, his back facing me, "Hey Meredith, can we keep this between us?" he asked in earnest, his voice muffled.

"Keep what between us?" I asked with a grin. "See you later George," I whispered and watched as he slipped out of my room and closed the door behind him.

And then the quiet and solace I had been looking for when I came home was mine again. I let my body collapse against my mattress; I bounced _once, twice_ as my limbs settled into the comforter. I stared at the ceiling, it had been one hell of a day, this second chance business was tiring as hell and I supposed I was really living now, really seeing things for what they were. I stood up and walked into the bathroom to start a bath. I shed my clothing and stepped into the scalding hot water as the tub filled; I settled back and let the hot water slowly cover my flesh and bones, warming me from the inside out.

Warm steam soon filled the room and it clouded my vision, _clouded my mind_, that weightless feeling came back and infiltrated my being at my core. I welcomed the distraction though; the fuzziness of the steam blurred all the sharp edges of my life and it felt good to be anesthetized to it all, even for a moment in time.

Once, a few years ago, I met the father of one of my college roommates, he told me he had better than 20/20 vision and I had asked him to describe that for me. He told me that it was like seeing everything with x-ray vision, like everything was intensified to the "nth" degree and that he saw true action every fraction of a second, like seeing the frames of a slow-motion repeat, _but at full speed_.

The example he gave me was a ball game, unlike everyone else who was simply "watching" the game, he was "seeing" the game. A normal person would watch the batter swing and hit or miss the ball. While he would watch the same pitch and …

_... see the ball leave the pitchers hand_

_... see the ball in the sky as it traveled to the batter_

… _see the batter's muscles flex over the swing_

… _see the ball graze or be smacked by the ball_

_... see the fine particles of sand cloud the air as the movement started on the field from the play_

And on and on and on … almost like he was looking through a telescope the entire time. It was exhausting for him to go to a simple ball game and he would always leave with a headache over his intensified visual experience.

And well, _that's_ how I've been feeling – _like I am seeing everything for the first time_ – my perspective has changed. It's fresh and new and visually exciting, yet completely exhausting too. The hot bath was exactly what I needed. I was glad to be working again but my body was in shambles and everything happening around me was so exhausting, the new visual intensity compounded everything and it seemed too much, I was drowning from it all, slowly sinking.

And yet, I wasn't ready to give it up either, I was desperately trying to hold on to my new _real and intensified_ view of things. I didn't ever want to go back to _half-living or half-seeing_ ever again. I sank lower into the tub, ever so slightly, just to feel the water surround me – _all of me_ – allowing it to do its job and calm my wracking nerves. I sank lower and lower, keeping my eyes trained on the ceiling high above me, I let the water cover my ears and I closed my eyes. I sank and slowly and purposefully let myself get lost.

I wasn't sure how long I stayed that way, but then I heard a faint ringing noise and I sat up ever so slightly, opening my eyes as I did and the sharp brill of my cell phone startled me, snapping me back to my reality. As luck would have it, my phone was in my bedroom.

"Shit, coming, I'm coming!" I shouted into the empty room as I stood up quickly in the bathtub. The water flowed down from my bare shoulders down to my feet, splashing like mini tidal waves. The cool air felt like splintered ice against my hot flesh, I jumped from the tub and raced for the phone on my dresser, almost slipping on the wood floor in the process. I flipped it open.

"Hello?" I choked out, but the call was gone. I snapped it shut and quickly padded back to the bathroom, unsure of why I felt so compelled to get that call in the first place.

I shook my head in wonderment at myself, grabbed my robe and unplugged the water, peering down at the tub below me. As the water began to disappear – _I thought about being swallowed up in the drain_ – a fleeting thought raced through my mind: _Dylan._ I wondered how long it would take me to put the image of Dylan _–the man_ _circling the drain_ – out of my mind.

I picked the cell phone up and set it to vibrate. I walked out of the bathroom to get some clothing. I pulled on a pair of yoga pants and a tee, placed the phone on my nightstand, turned the light off and slipped into the shelter of my bed. The sheets felt cool against my skin and I moved my feet back and forth like a cricket's wings to warm me up, _back and forth, back and forth_.

_I had done that before very well in my life, avoided, pushed things to the back of my mind. But in this case I found I wasn't bothered by it – I didn't really want to will it away – I was just sad about it and my grief over what happened to Dylan flooded my mind without warning, it came in waves and I had come to accept it over the last couple of weeks, I just needed to let the hurricane pass, let the tide ebb … knowing only time would tell._

_Suddenly I felt like I couldn't breathe, my chest tightened and my heart was on fire, like I was somehow going to be suffocated by the grief over what happened. I mean, in reality none of it was my fault – I was a person who was at the wrong place at the wrong time – call it fate or destiny or whatever. But now I just couldn't shake this idea that I had to do things differently. I hoped against all hope that I wouldn't be a disappointment, that I wouldn't be just ordinary, that I could make Dylan's death worth it._

My cell phone buzzed pulling me from my thoughts, my caller left a voicemail. I picked up the phone and flipped it open. I entered my code and hit speaker phone. The soft timbre of Derek's voice filled my bedroom, warming my heart on the sound of his first syllable.

"_Hi, it's me, Meredith. I know it's late and I typically don't call, but if we're doing this second chance thing, then well, I wanted to call and say good night. I wish you had picked up, well, ah today was a weird day for me with Mark showing up, no doubt for you too, and I want to hear more about yours … I um, well, things are coming to an end with Addison – __God, I want to talk to you about this__ – but I don't want to be a burden either. I'm worried about you Meredith. I know you're gonna be fine, I just worry … you're strong, stronger than I'll ever be … but I want to be here for you. I probably shouldn't say this again, but I miss you, it's unfair, I know. I know you won't trust that to be true for a while, but I do … miss you. I'm still at the hospital for another couple of hours so be in touch if you need me … good night Meredith and sweet dreams; I hope to see you tomorrow."_

And then he was gone. I closed the phone shut and held it in my hand as I rolled over onto the cool side of my pillow. Hearing Derek's voice was a nice way to end the day, _I had no intention of calling him back though_, it could be too much too soon. As much as I wanted to go find him and hug him and disappear into him – _let him consume me_ – I knew our timing was still off. I looked out my window and surrendered to the night and darkness instead. I let the night take away all my fears _and _all my dreams, because sometimes it's just better to concede and let sleep come.

A vision of my father raced in and out of my head and I thought for a split second that I should give him another chance for another meeting, somewhere neutral, but for some reason I was hedging. I just didn't want to betray my mother. Even though she was a shit mother, she was still my mother and she was all I had … _until one day she wasn't_.

She was all I had for a family until I met Cristina and George and Izzie, and even Alex. And then there was Derek. He could easily be my _everything_ and not in a sense that would make Cristina's blood boil, but in a sense that he completes me in a way I never knew possible. Maybe I had never fully been complete until I met him, I guess that's what meeting your _soul's mate_ does, it fills in the gaps … seals off the crevices … molds itself to its mate until each person is complete. And in my heart of hearts I knew Derek and I would be okay and complete one day.

_But only time would tell.  
_

**Chapter 4 to follow.**


	7. Chapter 4, This Boy, Part 1 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: This song by James Morrison is so lovely and soulful … it makes me sigh every time I hear it. Perfect for this chapter, if you have the means, listen to it. Thanks for the comments. Enjoy.  
**

**Chapter 4 – This Boy**

Lyrics for James Morrison's "This Boy":

This boy wants to play  
There's no time left today  
It's a shame coz he has to go home  
This boy's got to work, got to sweat  
Just to pay what he gets to get left all alone

Let's step outside  
Let's go for a ride just for a while  
No we won't get caught  
Well that's what I thought until we cried

I'm still here  
But it hasn't been easy  
I'm sure  
That you had your reasons  
I'm scared  
Of all this emotion  
For years I've been holding it down  
For years I've been holding it down

This girl tries her best every day  
But it's all gone to waste  
Coz there's no one around  
This girl she can draw she can paint  
Likes to dance she can skate  
Now she don't make a sound

We'll play in the park until it's too dark for us to see  
Well we'll make our way home  
With mud on our clothes  
She won't be pleased

For years I've been holding it down  
And I'd love to forgive and forget  
So I'll try to put all this behind us  
Just know that my arms are wide open  
The older I get the more than I know  
Well it's time to let this go

I got to let it go X 4

**Chapter 4 – This Boy – Part 1 of 2**

I was feeling pretty good, not as tired as I had been. Shawn, Derek's patient, was a cute kid and so were his fathers, just the way they cared about him; well it was the way it was supposed to be. It was something I kind of was always awestruck by – _the idea of unconditional love_ – it baffled me and worried me. How on earth was I ever gonna be able to do it or give it properly if I had children, _if it ever came down to that_. I looked up and spotted Cristina reviewing notes at the Nurses' Station.

"Hey," she said flatly without looking up from her work. "What are you working on?"

"Derek's patient, _this boy_, no, he's not just a boy, he's adorable and he isn't jaded and he's strong and he has fathers who love him –"

"Um, Meredith, what … fathers?" she interrupted me. "Cut to the chase, don't get all sappy, what's _wrong_ with the kid?" she said as she closed her chart and opened another one.

"_Cristina_," I sighed, she was impossible. "Shawn, he got hit with a ball at pee wee baseball, anyway, Derek just drilled a burr hole in his head to relieve his intracranial pressure, he's fine, _this boy_, he's so young, he's gonna be fine, it's pretty incredible," I sighed, for it really was, being a surgical intern was a good place to be – _no_ – it was a _great_ place to be.

"Wow. Burke's patient has a coronary artery aneurysm, but you know what's so amazing? His fiancé, Meredith. All she cares about is their wedding! She's in the clouds, living light years away … I don't get her, I have no idea how to relate to someone like that, but I will say _this…_," she paused and looked up at me. "_This girl_, Amy, she's gonna bolt before things get too serious with his case, before the first cut is made, she'll be ancient history," she said pointedly.

"Wait a minute, why? If she loves him, she'll stay, _she should stay, what about the vows, their chain?_" I said, but it came out more like a plea.

"She should, but she won't, she doesn't love him enough. I can tell she's not in it for the long haul Meredith, _I can tell_," she said frankly, reaching over the counter to file her charts.

"What kind of woman leaves her man when he is down, less than himself?" I wondered aloud.

"I don't know, someone who doesn't understand the vows, I guess. I mean, I know there's _no way_ I would –" she looked up at me, but her dark worried eyes darted around mine, never making contact. "_You know what? Forget it, this isn't about __me_," she said tightly. "I gotta pick up some labs," she added posthaste as a convenient getaway.

She headed down to the lab and I followed her, _she wasn't getting off that easily_. "Cristina, it's okay. I mean, first Burke's not going anywhere," I sighed as I fought to keep up. "And second it's good you feel that way," I added, she slowed down and all but gawked at me. "_And_ _don't tell me to shut up_, Burke's a good guy, he forgives you a lot for the shit you pull too, he loves you for _you_ … you get that, right?"

"Don't give me that unconditional love bullshit Meredith, because Burke and I – _we aren't even on the same playing field_ – I mean he's Preston Burke and I'm –"

"Cristina, cut yourself some slack and just try to trust him, he hasn't done anything to make you doubt him, you just doubt _yourself_ and you need to let yourself off the hook or something," I dished back.

"Look, I don't want to end up like that _girl_, you know caring more about a stupid wedding than anything else, she doesn't get it, _life isn't all rosy_!" she exclaimed. "You can't be one-hundred percent happy all the time, not even unconditional love can buy that and _I know_ _you know_ what I'm talking about," she said heatedly.

"I do, I get it, but you're not that _girl _and you're never gonna be that _girl_," I smiled and so did she. "You can do this – _this thing with Burke_ – love him for who he is and let him love you for who you are."

"I can? And just how the hell will I do that?" she asked, her voice laced with sarcasm.

"Well, for starters, you're a double doctor," I winked at her and watched as a glimmer returned to her eyes, she felt redeemed instantly. "You'll figure it out; _you can do this_, trust me, just try to trust Burke and _try to_ _trust yourself_."

"What I'm _trying_ to do Meredith, is _get_ this second chance thing you've got going on, I'm trying to get it and I'm trying not to say too much," she said noncommittally. "Listen, just watch out for McDreamy, _I don't trust him_," she said hurriedly as we arrived at the lab desk.

"Labs for Paulus, Keith for Dr. Burke," she said.

"I know you don't, and on many levels I can't expect you to," I said looking her square in the eyes. "But I told you I still want him, _I love him Cristina_," I said without hesitation and her head snapped to attention.

"I can't help it," I laughed. "I may not _trust_ him yet, but I love him and you can't help who you love. Trust or not, I love him and in some ways I never stopped," I said frankly as she wordlessly stared at me. "And Cristina, this _is_ the second chance thing talking," I smirked.

The technician came back and handed Cristina the labs, "Thanks," she mumbled and signed for them. We turned away and she perused the results, without looking up she said, "Just watch yourself, _I know you'll be fine, in the end, you're strong,_ but I hate to see you hurt and I don't trust him so just be careful," she cautioned.

"I will, I gotta go," I said turning away. "I want to know what happens with the patient and the fiancé, so find me later," I called over my shoulder to her.

"Yeah, yeah," she said and I could tell she was shaking her head at me.

I walked down to Shawn's room and thought about Cristina, I really hoped she would come around, maybe if I kept drilling it into her thick skull (_no pun intended_), she would get it. I know it's hard for her to trust – _we've been abandoned, Cristina and I, and it sucked_ – as children, it sucked and now we kind of have to learn it, learn how to accept the people we love _with_ _their faults_, we have to learn that not everyone is a simple "taker"; it just takes some practice and trust.

I know it makes her worried sick that I can still say I love Derek after everything he did, but I just do. I think the real Derek Shepherd is the man I knew, when we were in our thing together, and I just want it back and if I'm going to be completely honest, I want _this boy_ back more than anything I've ever wanted in my life.

As I rounded the corner of the hallway to Shawn's room, I spotted Derek exiting as I got there. He looked good, about as tired as I felt, but like I've been saying, the sparkle had returned to his eyes and it was refreshing to see the real him coming back.

"How is he?" I asked, smiling into his eyes as he watched me peek into the little window of Shawn's room. I saw Shawn's fathers sitting with him, they all looked exhausted, but their eyes were shining with happiness and relief, there certainly was a lot of love in that room.

"It's a remarkable procedure; he's fine, for now. Typical recovery time, he's young, strong, he has a lot going for him, he's resilient," he smiled and chuckled, shaking his head, his eyes never leaving mine.

"What?" I asked, nudging his shoulder with mine, I felt the heat from his touch seep through my scrub top and beyond.

"You know, I could have been talking about you just then?" he said in a low voice meant just for me. "_You're all those things Meredith, you're young, strong, resilient and have a lot going for you,_" he chuckled again and I just smiled, he moved closer to me and my heart muscle went wild, his beautiful eyes swept the hallway, oblivious to my humming body.

"You look tired, lets find a quiet on-call room for you," he said as he took my elbow and escorted me down the deserted hallway.

We entered an empty room and heat flushed my cheeks without warning. This was no good, no good at all; I mean I knew Derek wouldn't overstep our boundaries, it just felt so intimate once he closed the door behind us. We hadn't done this in a while, been closed off together in a more private place in the hospital – _well not since I had to kill Grace_ _and then had a panic attack about my mother_ – and well, then I was a mess, and there again Derek was there for me. I sighed in recollection; _he was there for me … Derek cared_.

An empty on-call room was like heaven sometimes, it offered much needed shelter from the storm of life within the hospital – _especially when your name happened to be Meredith Grey or Derek Shepherd_ – then most days there was nowhere else to turn but places like this. But right now, I would have to say_, I had no intention of hiding_, from Derek or from life. The moment the door closed behind us, the world stopped spinning, the bubble came and cloaked us like a protective sheathe and it was just the two of us. I took a deep breath to quell my racing heart as he stepped closer to me, my skin tingling with the anticipation of his touch.

"Will you meet me tomorrow morning?" he asked as he entered my personal space. "I want to hash some things out. _Addison moved out_," he whispered and I felt his delicate fingers move a piece of hair behind my ear as his hot breath breezed along my neck.

"We can walk Doc, are you comfortable with that?" he asked lightly as he stepped back an inch or so, heat rose to my cheeks and betrayed any amount of fight I had in me.

"I think so," I choked out as I came to my senses. "But we need to take this slow Derek, you know, while you're still married, okay, just friends and talking things out, _absolutely no porny stuff_, got it?" I managed to challenge him.

"Whatever you say, whatever you want, whatever you're willing to give me …," he raised his hand and I thought he was going to touch my face or draw me closer to him again, but he just smiled and lowered his hand instead. "You look exhausted Meredith, Alex or I will page you if I need you," he said quietly.

"_If_ you need me?" I teased him with a raised brow, surprised by my own bravado. And before I could blink Derek stepped one inch closer, his hot breath tickled my neck and the small hairs there stood at attention. My heart went wild again as our intimacy permeated the room and suddenly all I could smell was his familiar scent, it wafted up into my nostrils and stuck there like sweet honey.

"Make no mistake Meredith, I'll always need you … _always_," he whispered thickly into my ear as he pulled back slightly, my heart leapt into my throat and lodged itself there.

_He continued his assault on my senses and wasted no time by raising my chin with the side of his pointer finger and the pad of his thumb to turn my head slightly, thereby allowing him access to firmly plant his supple lips on my cheek bone, soft and quick – like a butterfly's wings – his kiss left a wet impression there and I melted inside. He pulled back again I thought he was through, my mind was – blank – completely blank and my heart shook inside my chest. _

_My body was teetering on giving out completely, my voice long gone, I could only watch as he shook his head in wonder, he smiled and I stared at him through my eyelashes, my skin flushed, I felt naked, I was stuck under his powerful spell – just stuck – but not in a way that I ever wanted to move …ever again._

_Things escalated, my internal organs steaming out of control as Derek wordlessly stared at me for a beat longer, and then – as if he couldn't help himself – he gently took my skull in his hands and kissed my temple. I saw his Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed, hard. He took a deep breath savoring our proximity, leaving me lightheaded, my body humming, and before I knew what hit me I felt the zing of an arrow pierce my clit and sweep up and down my spine with unknown speed, searing it's intensity into my bones, and I was quite sure I almost had an orgasm from his hands and lips on me again after so many months apart._

"Derek," I heard myself moan into the quiet room, jarring me from my post-orgasmic haze. "Oh, okay then … tomorrow," I choked out, suddenly high on life and completely weak in my heart and in my knees.

"Okay, Meredith," he choked out. "I'll ah, I'll see you tomorrow morning … if not before then," he staggered back from me, his face flushed, his chest heaving, his eyes twinkling albeit the soft light in the room. He winked and exited the room. The door bounced shut, _bump, bump,_ and he was gone, almost like he was never there.

The room was suddenly quiet, sinfully so. Acute exhaustion still came in waves for me, it pummeled me out of nowhere sometimes and I supposed it would until I was fully recovered or was whole and healed or an even better word, _complete_. My body temperature simmered down to a more normal level and the heat dissipated from my cheeks as I took my shoes off and sat down on the cot. _My panties were wet._ I smiled. I put my head down and let my body melt into the harsh hospital issue bedding. It still smelled like Derek in here, at least that was one bonus, plus it was dark and quiet. I rolled over and planned to replay what just happened in my head, but before I could I heard the familiar hiss of Cristina's voice in the hallway.

"_Taking this second chance thing seriously aren't we?" she questioned, her voice laced with disdain._

"_Dr. Yang, yes, I am … making some changes, not that it should concern you," Derek said flatly._

"_If it involves Meredith, then in involves me, make no mistake about that. Don't screw with her again," she threatened._

"_Can't you at least give me the benefit of the doubt? I'm not out to hurt her, I'm trying to do what's best for her, for me … for us," his voice trailed off, he sounded lost. _

"_Benefit of the doubt?" she said in a low growl. "You can't be serious!"she exclaimed._

"_No, __you__ can't be serious! And keep your voice down, she's resting, she doesn't need to hear us arguing!" he exclaimed in a harsh whisper._

"_Look, it sounds like you don't want her to be happy and for the life of me I can't imagine why. I made her happy once, you can't argue with that, and I can do it again … when the timing is right, when everything is settled, I know you can't trust me right now … but I wish you would try," he said softly._

"_You weren't there Shepherd – when you went back to your precious __wife__ – you weren't there, but I was!" she heaved. "And I gotta tell you, it was unbearable what she went through, you broke her and believe me when I tell you this, I wasn't the only one who thought you broke her beyond repair, so just save it, all the talk, just save it, look at her now for Christ's sake!" she hissed disapprovingly._

"_I know what I did was, well … it was …there is no word I think that describes it, if she's willing to give me a second chance, then I'm taking it and you're just gonna have to get used to having me around," he sighed. _

"_Fine, like I said, just save it and start proving it and if you think for one minute about hurting her, I'll seriously pull all of your precious raven locks out of your fucking scalp!" she raged._

_And then it was silent for a moment, I thought they may have stormed off it opposite directions, but then I heard Derek's solemn voice._

"_Look, I'll prove it to her, that she can learn to trust me again because I love her and I think she's still in love with me … and that should be good enough for you," he said in a hushed tone._

"_Well, it's not, but I have to go now," she huffed, unwilling to give him even an inch._

"_Tell Dr. Burke I said hello," Derek offered as a parting sentiment._

"_Go tell him yourself!" Cristina growled, no doubt a scowl crossing her face._

And then all was quiet again. I smiled, she really was my person and as frustrating as she could be, I loved her. It would take a _miracle_ for those two to ever get along and see eye to eye, at least on a personal level, I mused. Maybe one day they'll get along, one could only hope because the truth was they were exhausting. And the thing is, I could see both sides, so for me it was a matter of a balancing act – _the balance of power_ – giving enough to each one without giving myself up completely. I had to have faith it would all work out, which was definitely the second chance thing talking.

I felt good, and tired, but good. I felt happy and full in my heart, which was different for me. Addison moved out – _wow_ –the thought zoomed in and out of my subconscious. My eyes closed in peace with the fact that I was still here and although it hadn't been easy and I'm scared of the emotions I have held onto in regards to Derek, I suppose loving him after all that had happened, was somewhat _unconditional._ It felt like I had been holding my feelings for Derek _down and deep inside of me_ _for __years_, not just months, but I liked to think it was worth it, I liked to think _this boy_ was worth it.

I closed my eyes and peered into my vision of Derek's deep blue gateways as darkness and sleep overcame me. Ever since the incident, I had fallen asleep with the vision of Derek's penetrating eyes, lulling me to sleep, "_You can do this Meredith_," his soft voice filled my mind and heart, leaving no space for anything else. He chanted to me, his beautiful face coaxing me into the unknown … and every night I followed his command without hesitation … _trusting him_.

It was like a dream, all that was happening now – _just like a beautiful dream_ – except for once in my life, it wasn't. For once in my life I had hope, and now that I had a taste of it, I never wanted to let go of it.

_I never wanted to let go, but only time would tell.  
_

**Chapter 4 – This Boy – Part 2 of 2 to follow.**


	8. Chapter 4, This Boy, Part 2 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thank you for reading and commenting. **

**Chapter 4 – This Boy – Part 2 of 2**

I walked up the steps to my house. It had been a long day, but Shawn was recovering, so in the end it had been a great day. I headed to the front door but spotted the old porch swing and decided to sit down for a minute. I let the cool nighttime air fill my lungs and released my breath out. I never did this anymore – _just sat down and thought about things_ – life, it was just too hectic.

Being a surgical intern was exactly how I expected it to be, it was everything _else_ in my life that threw me for a loop. Just all the crap in my life, it just piled up over time, all the mommy issues and the daddy issues. The _always_ _trying_ to be seen and heard issues, but _never being_ seen and heard issues. It was exhausting, yet I never allowed myself to process all the hurt, all the abandoned unconditional love because if I did, I would have drowned a long time ago from it all.

I wondered if my parents ever sat on this swing together and dreamed about the making the impossible … _possible_. I wonder what their life was like together, probably not all that rosy if it ended with my mother cheating on my father and then my father ditching me. But before that, _before it all went to shit_, I wonder if they ever sat in this very swing and dared themselves to dream about what could be. Did they dream about limitless possibilities for their future?

I heard faint footsteps on the walkway and Alex's head popped up as he walked up the steps.

"Hey," I greeted him and he looked up. His tired intern eyes met mine.

"Hey, I'm meeting Izzie," he offered. _"__How are you doing, are you okay, what's up?"_ he asked.

"Trying to clear my head, Izzie's home, you can go in," I said to excuse him, but he sat down next to me instead.

_"Alright, anything I can do to make things better?" _he asked softly.

"Nope, I'm good, I think," I said quietly, keeping my eyes trained on the porch railing in front of us.

"C'mon, you always talk about my crappy life with me, it's your turn," he teased.

"First, you know my life isn't so crappy right now," I smiled, because for once, it really wasn't. "I was just thinking about it all, unconditional love, how do you know _how_ to do it – _give it and receive it_ – I mean you saw Shawn with his fathers right, I mean, wow."

"Yeah, you know, my parents weren't, you know the _O'Malley's_ or anything close to that," he shook his head in mock-disgust. "But I think it's possible though – _you know, to receive it, and also to give it_ – just don't expect people to change who they are, care about them for _them_, I mean look at Izzie, she's forgiven me for the Olivia debacle," he said confidently.

"Izzie hasn't forgiven you," I said frankly, shaking my head.

"_Yes_ she has. We're together," he said with more conviction.

"No you're not. Izzie may be sleeping with you but she'll never see you the way she saw you before you slept with Olivia," I challenged.

"Why are you trying to piss me off?" he rose from the swing.

"I'm not trying to piss you off Alex, I'm just letting you know, you're gonna have to work _really, really hard_, show her some serious grand gestures if you want to erase what you did to her from her memory bank," I rose from my seat and looked him square in the eyes.

"It's just how it is, you broke her trust, she's got to heal and you can't be a part of that, you're gonna have to dish out the unconditional love – _supersize it, go all out_ – if that's what you want with her, if you want it _all_," I said breathlessly, unable to keep Derek from my thoughts as I spoke.

"Unconditionally love her, you mean, as in Thanksgiving and Christmas and the whole going overboard thing, _love her_, _love her_?" he asked seriously with a smirk.

"Yeah, unconditionally," I smiled and a large swell rose in my heart, filling me to the brink.

"Are you thinking about Shepherd?" he challenged, smirk in tow.

"Yeah," I smiled; there was no way for me to deny it. "What do you think?"

"I think he's a good guy who fell in love with a good woman, someone he didn't want to walk away from, but the timing was all off," he sighed. "If I was him, I would want a second chance to make up for everything, I mean look at me now, right? I'm a second chance kind of guy, some of us do – _deserve one_ – you know, _but do yourself a favor_ … let him get Addison out of the picture first, make sure he's serious, _capice_?" he said and laid one of his large hands on my shoulder.

"Yeah, I think I do understand, the second chance thing, more than you know," I sighed. "Thanks Alex, you better go, you don't want to keep the beast waiting," I cautioned with a smile. Alex squeezed my shoulder, chuckled and disappeared into the house.

I took a step over to the swing again, it was so curious why this swing never moved – _it was stuck …_ _stuck in time, stuck in my childhood – just stuck_. I moved the seat back and forth and saw it was trying to give way, it creaked, cracking under the pressure of my gentle force, but it still wouldn't budge. I took a closer look to scrutinize the casing at the top and noticed a small shiny pin there. I pulled it out and viola: _movement_. 

_The swing moved and it felt like a tiny miracle made just for me, I sighed with a smile. _

I sat down and wondered why I never thought to look there before, perhaps because I wasn't ready for it, _the movement_, that is. I swung back and forth a couple of times, the swing creaked under my weight and I slipped the pin inside my jacket pocket for safe-keeping. I took a large gulp of the fresh night air and let it fill my lungs, relishing in the moment of this new movement.

I guess everything was moving now … _changing_ … _momentum_ … _it was in my_ _veins, blood, nerves, heart, soul and spirit_. It all seemed to be happening so fast, Derek had talked to Addison – _their marriage was coming to an end_ – it was still hard to believe that my almost death was his wakeup call, that almost losing _me_ opened his heart just enough so he could find out he still cared about _me_.

It was still so hard to believe that anyone would care that much about me at all, never in my life had I been this important to anyone. My heart was suddenly filled to capacity, swelling with warmth and wonder ... _Derek cared_.

_Derek cared,_ I chanted again, hardly believing it myself. He was moving and changing too, taking charge, taking his leap of faith.

_Derek cared, _I chanted, pushing the swing one more time. I leaned back to look up at the stars, my hair fell away from my neck and the cool air assaulted my bare skin there. I shivered involuntarily as small tears pooled in my eyes and my chest tightened, _for once_ _not in pain though_, but in pure anticipation of what might be.

_Derek cared_, I chanted and swung again allowing the movements of the swing propel my mind light years into the past and then zoom into the future, one which I hoped would be filled with many happy times for me _and_ for Derek, both together and apart from one another. I closed my eyes and those waiting tears fell upon my face and I left them there, I had no haste to wipe them away, _for they didn't belong to me anymore_.

_Derek cared_, I chanted one last time and took a deep breath, for once daring myself to dream about the impossible – _to forgive and almost forget, to love and be loved unconditionally_ – to let it all go … to let my guard down … to dismantle my wall …to dare myself to trust Derek in mind, body and spirit.

_Yeah, I was almost ready for all that came with this movement,_ _but only time would tell_.

**Chapter 5 to follow.**


	9. Chapter 5, The Chain

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thank you for reading and commenting. This song, "The Chain" by Fleetwood Mac was so perfectly perfect for this chapter, I listened to it a lot whist constructing this part. If you have the means, listen to the song, it's powerful and beautifully performed. **

**Chapter 5 – The Chain**

Listen to the wind blow, watch the sun rise

Run in the shadows  
Damn your love, damn your lies

And if you don't love me now  
You will never love me again  
I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain  
And if you don't love me now  
You will never love me again  
I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain

Listen to the wind blow, down comes the night

Run in the shadows  
Damn your love, damn your lies

Break the silence  
Damn the dark, damn the light

And if you don't love me now  
You will never love me again  
I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain  
And if you don't love me now  
You will never love me again  
I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain  
And if you don't love me now  
You will never love me again  
I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain

Chain...keeps us together  
(run into the shadows)  
Chain...keeps us together  
(run into the shadows)  
Chain...keeps us together  
(run into the shadows)

**Chapter 5 – The Chain**

I hiked up the trail, the evening air felt great as it entered and moved through my body … rejuvenating my lungs, blood and capillaries. I shivered involuntarily at the thought of doing this with Derek, or planning to do this … _even if it was just a walk with Doc._ It was something big, more than anything we had done intentionally together in a long time. I suppose this is what second chances are made of … _I felt bold or daring or something._

We pushed our morning walk back and now that I had all day to think about it, _I was scared, petrified … freaking out was more like it_. I was scared of what this all meant, scared of Addison's reaction and what she might do or say when she was confronted with the idea of Derek and I together – _the idea of us_ – I was just scared of all the hurt feelings that came with all this change and momentum. But then again, after the day we had, we deserved it in some way … we deserved some uninterrupted time together, I supposed.

I stopped at the top of a ridge and leaned onto a fallen tree trunk, I could hear the wind blowing across the tops of the trees and the leaves cascaded down all around me in response. I looked up into the sky, the looming pine tree above me offered just enough relief from the bright gray tint and the sun was making one last attempt at an appearance. I was still a little unsure of what my expectations were when it came to Derek, but overall I felt really good – _overall I was still going after that second chance_ – albeit treading lightly … _I was still committed to seeing it through_.

I was early of course, eager to get out of the hospital as my nerves about this walk really started to get to me by the end of my shift. _Derek would be here soon_ and without warning my heart flipped from the thought, I smiled in acknowledgment. There was one added bonus – _I didn't feel tired_ – for the first time in weeks I didn't feel run down, rather I felt rejuvenated by the day's work. I was healing – _slowly and surely_ – not only physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. I was becoming whole and complete with each passing day.

And then I thought about the mess I was about to get myself into with Derek. Things between us were only simple and pure for the first couple of months we were together, then after all the lies and betrayals, we became entangled in a complicated web, _one which we would have to work really hard to escape from_. And now, that we were really gonna try to un-complicate things, I was scared beyond words.

My thoughts drifted to my mother and her lover. I presumed, in light of her suicide attempt that _she_ _was not enough_ to sustain that relationship. I wondered what happened … I had a myriad of questions about her situation that gnawed at the back of my brain all the time now. I mean, she left my father for this person, _but she ended up alone_. She broke _her chain, her vows, her commitment_ to her marriage and hell I know my mother was a force to be reckoned with, _but this man, whoever he was_, broke her into a million pieces and left a complicated mess in his trail.

_I wonder if her lover knew about me_.

Without warning, I felt a little light headed. I spotted a grassy knoll and made my way to sit down. I leaned back on my hands and eased myself onto the ground, shielding my eyes from the bright gray light with my forearm. The blades of grass were wet with dew and I could feel the cool ground temperature slowly infiltrate my bare skull. I breezed my free hand through the grass and the blades tickled my palm. I relaxed into the moment, listening to the sounds around me, a light wind crossed over the knoll and the birds chirped and the leaves danced in response.

My mind was clouded with a contradictory range of thoughts and I really needed to get a grip. My heart pounded in my chest with anxiety about how all of this was going to turn out. What in the hell was I doing, was Cristina was right? Was this too soon? This is a couple-y thing to do – _walk his dog together_ – correction, _our_ dog, but still.

_Was this too much too soon, would this tip the scale … tempt the fate of the karma Gods? _

Uncertainty filled my heart and the dread I was trying to avoid seeped into any open spot within me like a parasite. I moved my hand down to my stomach, it started to feel splintery with gaseous pains ... _mercilessly churning_ … the gas had nowhere to go, it just swirled around with unrelenting movement and chided me, _taunting me, scolding me,_ for I should know better!

"Crap," I moaned out loud as I grabbed my stomach. _Guilt sucked, it really did._ There was so much wrong with this, so much, on so many levels – _Derek wasn't free yet_ – shouldn't we wait to become true friends? My mother should have waited, she should have waited and look how things turned out for her …_Derek and I should wait_, _there was no way we could do this_ … considering the sexual tension between us, this could go very wrong, very fast.

"Double crap!" I exclaimed again for good measure. Maybe he wouldn't show, it was for the best, really. What was I thinking? Trying to make my dream a reality … Meredith Grey did not have dreams that came true, she just didn't!

Rationally, I could do one of two things; I could get up from the cold earth, jog to my truck and be done with it … or I could wait for Derek … and the thing is, if I could dare myself to move from this moment, I would. But _I can't because my soul wanted Derek too much._ I took a deep breath and let the silence consume me; I inhaled another breath to slow my heart and mind down.

_He would be here soon and I could stop freaking out – __Derek would know what to do__ – he would talk me off the ledge, it would all be fine … for it had to be, I was counting on it._

I closed my eyes and imagined I was on my porch swing again, I tried to get my mind back to something positive – _and there was a lot of positive going on_ – so why did I always have to be so obsessed with the negative? I relaxed into the moment again, forcing myself to see Derek's calming eyes, his beautiful serene face, the face of the man I once loved.

And then I heard it, _could it be them_? I heard the leaves rustle, not so far off … _getting closer now_. I heard a panting dog and Doc's familiar yelp and my heart rate spiked: _they were here_ …_footsteps and panting, panting and footsteps._

Without warning the bright light from the sky was blocked and I smelled Derek's musky scent, he leaned down and I could feel his warm breath graze my earlobe. My heart went nuts and I smiled, daring myself to open my eyes and see him. I shivered involuntarily, and I wasn't sure if it was because of his shadow, or just his proximity.

"You're hovering, _you're here_," I said a bit more breathlessly than I intended.

"Of course I am, _why wouldn't I be_?" his melodic voice filled my ears, Doc whinnied in the foreground.

Then I felt Derek lay down beside me, he took my hand in his, entwining his long delicate fingers through mine. He took our hands up to his mouth and kissed the top of mine. I heard Doc whimper and then felt his warm body flush up against my other side. I reached down and patted his soft fury head. I turned my head towards Derek and opened my eyes for the first time and was stunned by his bright blue gateways.

"_Good evening Meredith,"_ he said; his voice barely above a whisper, his smile bright and carefree.

I looked at him through my eyelashes as heat rose to my cheeks. "Hi," was all I could choke out and all the insecurities I had been feeling just dissipated like I knew they would.

_That cover of security … it came and formed a bubble around us and then it was just him and me, and Doc of course. I smiled. __Doc snuggled even closer into me and Derek squeezed my hand. My body tingled wildly with excitement. How on earth was I going to deal with this "just friends" thing, I mean just yesterday I had an orgasm from mere proximity … this was gonna be harder than I imagined._

"See, we're friends," Derek said reading my mind; _he had to stop doing that_.

"True, we are friends," I said evenly.

"Sylvia was fine the last time I checked on her, to answer your next question," he smiled and took a deep breath.

"That _was_ going to be my next question, you're good, it's so damn annoying," I teased. I closed my eyes and relaxed. "Talk to me about Sylvia, she was amazing right?"

"Yeah, you're right, she's an amazing woman," he brought our hands up and let them rest on his chest. I could feel his heart beating wildly against my hand. "See, they got their second chance, maybe we can have ours too," he said and I could tell he was smiling.

"Maybe it's our fate or destiny to try, what do you think, do you believe in that stuff?" I asked quietly, suddenly afraid of his answer.

"I do and I think so too, we owe it to ourselves to try," he sighed heavily and paused as if deep in thought. We relaxed into each other and I could hear the soft rhythm of his breathing as his heart thumped on, it lulled me like nothing else, wordlessly comforting me and healing me.

"Look, I want to say some more big things," he paused and took another deep breath.

"No time like the present, we've at least learned that much," I encouraged.

"I should have listened to my heart, I knew I made the wrong choice when I had one to make all those months ago … it's just … I didn't want to believe I threw eleven years of my life away to her and Mark. I was wrong to give my marriage my second try … damn, it was a futile effort because but you know Meredith, _my heart wasn't in it_ …," his voice trailed off. "Because my heart was with you," he choked out.

I opened my eyes again and turned my body towards him, I watched as a tear escaped from his closed eye and moved slowly down his cheek and disappeared into the crease of his neck. He turned his head towards me, I looked him square in the eyes – _he was telling the truth_ – there was no deceit in him, his gateways were clear.

"Do you know what Kyle Booker told me today?" he said as he pulled me closer, craving me like I was craving him. I lay my head down on his chest. I could hear his heart beating wildly, _whump, whump, whump_.

"What's that?"

"It was like listening to my own confessions; he told me that he didn't notice Sylvia for a long time, that she once was his _everything_ and then somewhere along the way he stopped seeing her and only since she was sick had he taken notice again. He said he felt terrible about it, but now he couldn't see a life without her, _he didn't want to break the chain_," he paused and rubbed my back, his warm strong hands made soothing circles and warmed me from the inside out.

"I told you I was absent in my own marriage after a while," he paused; I inhaled his familiar scent, calmed instantly by it. "That after a while I was indifferent, and the thing is _I knew I was_, I didn't deserve what they did to me, _no one does_, but you know what Meredith …," he sighed and _I pulled myself up so I could look at him_ … his eyes scanned mine and I smiled. He moved his free hand through my hair and held onto my skull. I felt safe and warm and at home in his arms.

"I wouldn't take back any of it, because I have been living my second chance at happiness since the moment I came out here and met you, and that bomb was just my wakeup call," he continued to scan my face for reaction, and then he smiled – _a genuine big smile_ – one I hadn't seen in months.

"And you know what?" he said above a whisper, I moved myself up so we were almost nose to nose. His hot breath fanned my face and I smiled into his eyes.

"Damn," he said with a chuckle, "I should kiss Addison's feet for breaking our chain because in the end she led me right to you," he said simply, but not in sorrow – _in pure wonder at it all_ – his eyes never left mine, our bubble was impenetrable.

"That's another way to look at it," I smiled and Derek pulled me closer, he kissed my forehead, _once, twice, _while breathing me in. His kisses restored my hope for us. I lay my head down on his shoulder; my lips dangerously close to his neck, my body flush up against his. I draped my leg over both of his and drew him even closer to me, holding on for dear life.

"I could get used to this, you know, once everything is over with Addison, walking Doc with you, I could get used to doing a lot of things with you," I boldly said into his neck. He squeezed his hand around my hips more tightly. "And as scared as I am – _to trust you_ – to trust this thing between us, I do want to give us a second chance, I think we deserve it," I said, deciding honesty was the best way to go.

"I can't ask for more than that, it's more than I deserve after what I did to you, I promise I am going to try to earn it, I once told you that, you know, it looks like it's my turn to earn more from you," he squeezed me into his chest a little tighter and I got lost in the warmth of his touch.

"Do you want to walk, Doc seems content, we have about a half-hour until dusk…" Derek offered, but he didn't dare move.

"I don't want to move," I said, truthfully. I never wanted to move again. Laying here with Derek was all I needed.

"Meredith, you know that saying, '_time heals all wounds', maybe we just need time, maybe that's why this is happening_. Maybe we will both be healed by the passage of time and we'll get to know each other again _without_ suppressing our feelings and then before we know it, _I'll be free_," he suggested.

"We just need time, I think you're right, _time and trust_, I'm working on it Derek," I offered.

"Me too, the … my divorce shouldn't take more than a few weeks, I tried to be fair when I filed, I think she's ready to move on too, so … _you know what, I don't want to burden you with this_ –"

"It's not a burden Derek, we can't run from it – _look we're friends too, friends first_ – and right now, that's all we can be, so if you want to talk about how you're gonna fight her for properties or collectibles or junk or whatever, I'll listen, I'm here … for you, I'm on your side, remember?" I breathed into his neck.

"You give too much, you do, it's one of the many reasons I fell for you," he said softly, stroking my hair. "I didn't ask for anything but Seattle, _all I want is Seattle_, out of this whole mess, this is all I want – _well and you, I want you_ – we had other properties, but you know what, they're unimportant to me … I walked away from that life, I'm done, it's over …I made a complete life out here," he said evenly.

"_All you want is Seattle_," I repeated breathlessly, _all he wanted was_ _me_. My chest tightened.

"_All I want is Seattle_," he breathed and I felt him relax into me and the moment. "Lets rest for a minute longer," he suggested and I snuggled into his body.

_My mind began to wander, sometimes it felt like nothing had happened at all, that Derek and I had never been apart – but I supposed this is what it's like for soul mate love – I mean, if I were going to be honest I would have to say there would always be room for Derek in my heart and in my life … and with that thought I smiled and relaxed into him and let his proximity soothe me. _

_I thought about Sylvia and Kyle Booker. They had leveled our playing field and didn't even know it. Talk about a wakeup call for a second chance! In a way, Sylvia and Kyle were no different than me or Derek. _

_I instinctually snuggled closer to Derek, suddenly I couldn't get close enough and I craved our connection as if my last breath depended on it._

When I asked Derek if he had been different when he was in New York, before he came out here, he answered truthfully – _that he was_ – it was true that he was much like Kyle, indifferent towards his wife. What Addison and Mark did to Derek was a true crime of the heart, horrific and inexcusable. I'm not sure I would have been able to come back from that, _but Derek did, he persevered and I was part of that_, he met me and now I know he fell in love with me too. I relaxed into him even more, getting lost in his warm embrace. Doc shifted his weight against my other side.

_And then it hit me, Sylvia didn't cheat and that had to mean something. _

I was glad to know that not _everyone _would cheat in response to indifference from their spouse. Sylvia is a good woman, of course she didn't deserve the tumor, but it was amazing what it offered them. The fact that they were willing to take whatever small amount of time they had left together, well it was remarkable. Even more so that their second-chance trip to Seattle crossed their paths with Derek Shepherd's, and well, their decision to trust him was just a testament of their commitment to that second chance ... _the chance to gain back those years they lost._ With all that had happened between them, they didn't break the chain linking them together and that was … _amazing._

But while Sylvia and Kyle's story was inspiring, it could not erase the shadows of doubt that raged on in my head and in my heart though. I mean it all sounded great now, Derek and I were beginning to take our second chance together, each having learned some lessons. But what if _I_ wasn't enough to keep us together in the end? What if, like Sylvia and Kyle, we ended up needing a brain tumor to save us one day –_what if our feelings weren't enough_ – then what?

I chose to push those questions away, for I had no crystal ball, I had no way of knowing what would come to pass, only that in my heart of hearts our shot at happiness was worth it and Derek Shepherd was worth it and for the first time in my life, I felt like I was worth it!

After all, our paths crossed all those months ago and our connection was made –_our chain was linked – _and had yet to be broken, hell, it wasn't even weakened by all that had happened. To me it felt like the time apart just intensified its solid hold. In moments of doubt, I had to try to remember our chain was strong and that had to count for something.

_But only time would tell._

**Chapter 6 to follow.**


	10. Chapter 6, Fear, Part 1 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thank you for reading and commenting. This song, "Fear" by ****Sarah McLachlan is simply beautiful, I listened to it a lot when I wrote this chapter, the song really moves, I don't know how to explain it really. Take a listen if you have the means.**

**Lyrics for Sarah McLachlan's, "Fear":**

Morning smiles  
Like the face of a newborn child  
Innocent unknowing  
Winters end  
Promises of a long lost friend  
Speaks to me of comfort

But I fear  
I have nothing to give  
I have so much to lose  
Here in this lonely place  
Tangled up in our embrace  
There's nothing Id like  
Better than to fall  
But I fear I have nothing to give

Wind in time  
Rapes the flower trembling on the vine  
Nothing yields to shelter it  
From above  
They say temptation will destroy our love  
The never ending hunger

But I fear  
I have nothing to give  
I have so much to lose  
Here in this lonely place  
Tangled up in our embrace  
There's nothing Id like  
Better than to fall  
But I fear  
I have nothing to give  
I have so much to lose  
I have nothing to give  
We have so much to lose...

**Chapter 6 – Fear – Part 1 of 4**

As I stood at the Nurses' Station giving myself one final review of the copious notes on my patient's death, dotting every "i" and crossing every "t" before handing in the last of the paperwork – _every stroke of my pen meant something, this was the end of her story_ – the end of her journey. The loss of life was palpable; the pain of losing a patient was too real sometimes, especially when it may have been prevented. My heart sank into my chest; I could find no solace from the events of the day, a small piece of me was lost too – _and later I would have the chance to rejuvenate_ – but for the moment there was a void.

I know as a surgeon, we aren't supposed to become emotional over patients, but human compassion is a must, otherwise why do it at all? So an emotional connection on some level is inevitable really, even if my patient was a _stalker whack job_, she was still a woman who had been in love, only her timing was way off and I more than knew what that felt like. I lay my pen down on the counter and massaged my temples, I was suddenly exhausted. I wanted to go home, but I couldn't dare myself to move for some reason.

_I didn't want to be alone tonight, I just didn't. Nights alone were the worst. _

My head was full with random thoughts that flew around my brain like an unyielding meteor shower _ping, ping, ping_ – the death cluster … superstitions … Addison and her juju … Burke and his lucky scrub cap – it all seemed so completely ridiculous to me.

I would have to remember this one day, years from now, when I myself might have a _luck ritual_ of my own. I would have to remember that bad or good juju aside, when your number is up, it's up and there probably isn't too much you can do to avoid it. I mean, look at me; I'm living proof of that with my narrow escape of death, _it must mean something_. Even with life-giving surgeries, something else had to be on the side of good to have our desired result come to fruition … _to survive, to persevere, to live through it._

And then it hit me again out of nowhere – _I'm living my second chance_ – I could be dead right now, so what would be my outcome, my life-altering outcome? How could I change _my course, my destiny, my fate_ so this all meant something, so Dylan's death would not be in vain? Was I doing him justice so far? Fear crippled me because if I really went after what I wanted, I would have far more to lose, but given the second chance, _I had no choice but to try._

I was quite sure I would be haunted with sudden impulses to monitor my life and my choices for quite some time, that I could be doing some completely mundane task like laundry or taking a shower and be overcome by the need to think about Dylan or the incident and take stock of what I had accomplished since that day. I honestly hope I never forget that I'm living my second chance.

I looked up and saw Addison out of the corner of my eye. _Shit._ She was dressed to go home or her hotel or wherever she was staying. She was wearing a pair of ridiculous shoes, her flawless alabaster skin glowed despite the ugly florescent lights and her long red hair sashayed behind her, just gloating with untamed beauty.

She held two coffee cups, no doubt filled with more juju and walked carefully towards me. I have to admit, it wasn't too terrible working with her this morning. I could see in her eyes that she seemed relieved – _although not the perfect word for it_ – she did seem a bit more relaxed, like she wasn't trying as hard or something. After all, everyone knew what she did to Derek, she had a lot to overcome since she got here and I could only imagine that conceding might have been difficult on some level. She had lost her battle, although from the moment he chose her, in the back of my mind even I knew their magic was lost. At any rate, she was tolerable and like I've said before, one hell of a doctor and _really_ hard to hate.

My heart sped up as she approached; a litany of thoughts slammed my already tired brain … I had to wonder: _was she still okay with me_? She was nice this morning, I reasoned, but now was she planning to toss one of those cups of scalding hot liquid in my face? _Bad juju was abound after all._

I turned slightly; trying to avoid eye contact with her and my vision was clouded with Derek's piercing blue eyes. He scanned my face from across the counter and his eyes smiled, he winked, how long had he been there? He smiled again and I returned one in kind. He was dressed to go home too; he looked worn out, but good. He walked around the counter, never shifting his eyes from mine.

"Hi," was all he said.

"Hi," I choked out.

"Are you okay, Meredith, I heard about your patient," he offered, his eyes sad from the loss of his own patient.

"I'm sad, I'm … I'll be fine, you remember what it was like when you were an intern, does it ever get easier?" I asked, praying he would say it yes.

"Not easier, you just adapt, become accepting to saving most lives and losing some, you'll be fine over time," he smiled weakly.

"Promise?" I squeaked out.

"Promise," he reassured me with another small smile, one meant just for me and suddenly I was lost in his gaze.

"Hey," I heard Addison's forced-friendly voice behind me. I turned with haste to greet her, faltering as I did … I had all but forgotten about her and her cups of juju.

"Hey," I said, because what else was there to say.

"I'm sorry to hear about your patient," she offered with honest sympathy.

"Thank you, Addison," I said on auto-pilot as she handed a cup of the juju cocoa to me for the second time in twenty-four hours.

Addison turned to Derek as he stood next to me. At first he seemed to take a protective stance to _intervene, pounce, or punch_ _if need be_, but instead they both seemed oddly – _okay_ – for lack of a better word.

"Here you go, Derek," she said with a tight smile.

"Thank you," he said sincerely as he took a sip.

"Well, I'm off, I'm heading back to New York the day after tomorrow," she scanned my face and then moved to scan Derek's. "_Meredith, it was nice knowing you, um, well,_ _take care of yourself and ah …him … __each other, take care of each other__,_" she rambled softly and smiled through her words while I just stood there in shock, surely raising an eyebrow.

"Don't everyone look so surprised, there isn't too much out here for me now is there?" she asked evenly.

Derek took a step forward and hugged Addison, "I'll be in touch to finalize everything, take good care of yourself Addison," he said.

"The same for you too, _I mean the two of you_," she said, her eyes darted to mine as she embraced him and pulled out of their hug.

My heart pounded into my chest as Derek moved out of her personal space and stood _with me_. She smiled curtly, but her light blue eyes were warm and gentle.

"See you around, this was all you ever wanted Derek, Seattle will be good to you," she said.

"Yeah, I think so," he smiled, the twinkle returning to his eyes.

"Bye Addison," I said and then she turned her back to us.

_The automatic doors opened via their sensors and she was gone, into the Seattle night, just like she arrived all those months ago. _

Derek placed his hand on the small of my back; the heat radiated from his touch and warmed my whole body from the inside out. I turned slightly and looked him square in his eyes, he wore an expression … what was it – _relief, sadness, grief, and liberation_ – something like all of that mashed together.

He held up his cocoa. "Cheers," he said breathlessly, his eyes sparkled albeit the dim lights. I mock-toasted my cup to his and we both took one last sip, making sure not to diss that juju, especially considering the source from which it came.

I smiled and Derek took my cup from me and tossed them both in a nearby trashcan. Suddenly, I had an idea.

"I, um, know this place where there's an _amazing view_ of the sunrise over the ferryboats," I offered with a knowing smile. "We can stop and get some wine on the way there."

"I have a thing for ferryboats," he smiled, his eyes suddenly shining.

"I remember," I said with a smile. "I'll drive, although I doubt we'll make it until sunrise," I teased.

And then we turned to walk out of the hospital, _together_, and as we did Derek's knuckles grazed mine and I was shocked by the current that ran from my hairline all the way down to my toes, suddenly weak in the knees, my heart went completely nuts as we crossed the threshold into the cool night air.

_Temptation was raw in the air and I had no plans to fight it, at least for this moment in time._

**Chapter 6 – Fear – Part 2 of 4 to follow.**


	11. Chapter 6, Fear, Part 2 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thank you for reading and commenting. **

**Chapter 6 – Fear – Part 2 of 4**

The cool night air hit us like a blast, cleansing us from both the day and the mess we were trying to leave behind. Derek and I made the short jaunt to my truck. I felt good, _and nervous_, but good and I could only imagine the range of emotions Derek might be feeling.

I unlocked the passenger door and Derek just stood there for a beat, his bright eyes bore into mine. I entered his personal space and he pulled me to him, he felt warm and I felt safe and finally home. He took a deep breath, his nose in my hair and I felt the heat from his body fan my neck and shoulders when he finally exhaled. I shivered involuntarily and Derek squeezed me in response, I hugged him even tighter, my hands low on his waist at the small of his back. I turned my head and listened to his wild heart beat _on and on and on_.

We just stood there for a long moment, _interlocked, tangled up in our embrace, our precious chain intact_, _frozen in time_. And if I had a choice, I would have stayed in this very spot and in this very moment of my life … _forever_.

Derek pulled back and without a word, his eyes scanned mine and he turned and slipped inside the truck with a smile. I walked around to the driver's side and got in. I looked at Derek for a second and he sighed as I started the truck and pulled out of the parking lot onto the main street. The cooler air felt good – _great even_ – it made me feel refreshed or alive, just the way my skin and lungs reacted to it, it felt like I hadn't been outside in months. It always seemed that way though, after a long day of breathing recycled, stale, clinical air, it was always refreshing to get outdoors and take that first big gulp of the fresh stuff.

"I don't even know what to say Meredith," he sighed quietly and shook his head in disbelief or relief, I'm not sure which.

He knew it was coming – _that Addison would leave Seattle_ – so did I of course, but her action really put things into perspective, for the both of us. He reached over and took my right hand from the steering wheel and laced his fingers through mine. His touch was warm and inviting. He held on tight as if his life depended on it, because our touch … _our connection_ … well, sometimes it was all we needed.

"Derek," I said, keeping my eyes trained on the road ahead. "Your marriage is over, or ending, which you knew was gonna happen, but how do you feel with the reality of it all?" I asked evenly, without judgment and without fear of what he might reveal.

"It's …over, wow," he sighed with a chuckle. "I feel relieved, _my mother is going to flip_," he snorted in mock-horror as he held my hand; he looked straight ahead, his eyes shielded by the dim light inside the cab.

"I used to feel sick by all that had happened to end it. _I felt exploited, discarded, abandoned, cheated, raped, abused, you name it_ … and now … now, after all that," he laughed lightly. "I just feel like someone took the weight of the world off my shoulders," he said and I believed him, for I could _see_ relief cover him like a blanket as he shook his head. I could _see_ his whole body relax, finally letting go of that fighter-defensive stance he had adopted over the last few months.

"Really, I never realized the pressure of it all, or I did, I just hid in the OR, I just worked around it – _kind of like I shamelessly tried to work around my feelings for you_ – like I had been this weight bearing wall in a delicate house of cards," he paused and looked in my direction. "And now, the cards are falling down – _they're weightless_ – they don't matter, they are falling all around me, light as snow and I don't care about those cards, I feel relief to let them fall to the ground and be forgotten … _I feel consumed, full, satiated by relief,_ _does any of this make any sense__?_" he asked breathlessly.

"Yes, I think I feel it too," I smiled and gave him a sidelong glance. "Is it wrong to say, I feel happy for you, or maybe I just feel the relief – _because_ _another person's sorrow shouldn't make me feel happy_ – so relief, yeah, I feel it," I squeezed his hand and saw him look to me. His eyes were shining with emotion.

"Do you think she'll be alright, I mean I know she brought this on herself, but still, do you think Addison will … recover?" I asked hesitantly.

I could tell Derek was looking at me, waiting for me to turn to him. Albeit the now dark hour, I could see his eyes scan my face via my peripheral vision. I could tell he was making sure I was okay, which was too much because _I_ wasn't the one who lost eleven years … _he was … she was… they were_.

I could tell he didn't know how to answer my question, the paradox of guilt laced with relief was creeping in and I knew it would consume me before too long. Now that Addison was leaving, we had much more to lose; the idea of a relationship with Derek wasn't just a beautiful ideaanymore, and that scared the hell out of me. I pulled into the liquor store parking lot so Derek could run in and get a bottle of wine. He sighed as he unfastened his seatbelt and turned towards me, his worried face suddenly illuminated by the store's neon lights.

"Meredith, look at me, please," he pleaded softly and I obliged. He looked worn, but there was that glimmer in his blue eyes too, the one that had long since disappeared, the glimmer of hope he always seemed to have when we first met, the glimmer I always thought was meant for my eyes only … _maybe it was after all_.

"The answer is, I'm not sure, but I do know Addison and she's a strong woman. She'll come out on top," we chuckled in unison at his choice of words. "She'll be fine and none of that, what she has to overcome, has anything to do with you – _you did not cause her plight_ – _you know that_, so stop beating yourself up about it," he smiled and squeezed my hand. I could see a set of small tears threatening to pop out of his eyes – _his burgeoning recognition of his own mistakes threatening to resurface_ – he blinked them away before they had a chance.

"I'll be back with a bottle or _two_ in a minute," he said softly. He took my hand up to his mouth and kissed the top, his kiss was like magic. "_It's all going to be alright, you're going to be fine_, _we'll be fine_," he said just above a whisper and then got out of the truck. He shut the door and a gust of the cool night air filled the small area again.

This could be disastrous, I just had to be careful not to let it get out of hand, I would tell him, _remind him again, _nothing porny until he was officially divorced. My mother's struggle was fresh in my mind; she couldn't wait until she was free before cheating on my father. I just needed Derek to be free –_I needed his conscience to be clear_ – thereby clearing my own. _I should tell him about my mother, state my case, and I needed to do it soon._

Suddenly, I felt entirely too overwhelmed again, just like at the park the other day, the unwavering doubt began to creep in compounding this weighted down feeling. This was wrong, _so wrong on so many levels_. We have to wait for the timing to be right – _relief didn't translate into a green light to be reckless_ – the timing needed to be perfect because second chances can't get screwed up! Who knew what came after second chances? We needed this to work this time, we needed to have patience.

My chest heaved at this collection of thoughts and my heart pounded into my eardrums, _whump, whump, whump_ …

… _relentlessly pumping my blood_

… _relentlessly elevating my blood pressure_

… _relentlessly giving up on me _

I rolled the window down halfway. I felt sweaty and ick, like no amount of fresh air would stabilize my body. I closed my eyes and let my nerve-endings collapse, just let all the pain and worry cover me like a heavy wet blanket. I sat for a minute longer, intensely focusing on my breathing and heart rhythm as it slowed _down, down, down_, just waiting for Derek to come back, to come and rescue me from myself … which sounds pathetic, I know, but I needed him, I needed him to know and understand my fears.

After several minutes, I opened my eyes. I could see Derek smiling at the cashier, a man, they shared a joke and both of them looked totally fine, gleeful even as I sat here alone, a sweaty mess. My calming rhythm was interrupted by the shrieking of my cell phone, and I jumped in response. I fished it out of my jacket pocket: _Cristina. Shit._ Dread filled my heart on entirely new level, she was gonna freak.

"Cristina," I said hastily.

"_Are you having sex?'_ she asked candidly, but without judgment. _How did she do that?_

"No, what happened with the scrub cap thing?" I asked trying to change the subject.

"_I gave it to him, okay, call me weak, but I did tell him he doesn't need it, I mean seriously Meredith, the guy is Preston Fucking Burke, no lucky scrub cap made him the surgeon or man his is – I mean it's not like he lost the use of his famous hands or something – it's just a scrub cap, he doesn't need it, am I right?"_ she hissed incredulously.

"You're right, but you're … you're always right," I said evenly as I spotted Derek walking towards the truck. I noticed it had started to drizzle. The mist illuminated his figure and blurred his edges and he kind of looked like he was just a figment in one of my dreams.

"_What are you up to? You never agree that easily, now back to my question, are you having sex or planning to have sex tonight? Because I heard this rumor that Addison is on her way out of town, so don't do anything stupid, got it?"_ she ordered.

Derek opened the truck door and got in, I mouthed to him that Cristina was on the phone. "I'm with Derek," I held the phone away from my ear, Derek and I smiled as her hissing voice came through the line. "We're just hanging out," I said back into the phone. "We are going to have some wine and talk, just talking – _no porny stuff_ – I promise," I smiled and Derek's handsome face was amused.

"_Yeah, well, just get that in writing from him,"_ she said as she disconnected the line. I snapped the phone shut and Derek looked at me expectantly.

"She wants it in writing that we won't do any porny stuff," I teased.

"No way I'm agreeing to that," he said with a wide grin.

"Me either," I smiled and started the truck. "Looks like we should change our plans," I motioned to the rain. "And if it's okay with you, can we just go to my house? I can't – _I can't go to the trailer with you_ _yet _– I need to be on my own turf for this for a while."

"You lead, I'll follow, whatever you're comfortable with, I bought two bottles of wine," he smiled devilishly and my heart pounded into my chest in response.

"Really, are you gonna try to get me drunk and take advantage of me?" I teased.

"Normally, I would say yes, but nothing about this is normal, so no, _I just want to be with you_, you know, talk and be near you, proximity has evaded us for far too long."

"Agreed," I said as I turned the truck out of the lot and made my way to my house. And as I drove my dreams continued to mingle with my reality, flirting, fusing, merging, becoming dangerously close to being one in the same, and for once, this seemed like a good thing.

**Chapter 6 – Fear – Part 3 of 4 to follow.**


	12. Chapter 6, Fear, Part 3 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: If you are reading, please let me know what you think. Thank you. **

**Chapter 6 – Fear – Part 3 of 4**

We sat in my living room in a comfortable silence. So far, things had gone well, on the outside I think I seemed fine, but on the inside my mind, heart and soul were reeling with two conflicting emotions: _worry and excitement_. Derek and I had polished off one entire bottle of wine and were now at that kind of red-cheeked giddy faze of having had too much wine without the consumption of any real food, so things could get sticky from here on out. Things could be _said_, things could be _done_ and I was slowly losing my faculties, which was not good. _At all._

Derek Shepherd plus Meredith Grey and a bottle of wine typically equaled a one-word answer: _porny_. I pushed the thought out of my head and snorted at the idea of how ridiculous our charade of friendship was or would become … and then I realized I actually snorted _out loud._

"What?" Derek asked with a grin as he reached over and pressed a piece of lose hair behind my ear for me.

And then it came … the bubble, the one I've eluded to before, that came whenever Derek entered my personal space, it was like some kind of shield from the outside world, somehow it always seemed like it was just him and me in these intensely personal and sinful moments. And the thing is, now, there wasn't too much that was sinful about it, in a matter of time, he would be free … _and_ _we would be free to do as we pleased_. It was surreal, the whole thing, all of it, the incident, his realization, _my_ realization, the idea of being together and happy, _it felt like a beautiful dream_.

"Nothing, I just keep thinking about how ridiculous this is, just that you're here, in my house again and Addison is leaving and you're you and I'm just me and are you sure …," I sighed, trying to suppress my edging thoughts.

"Meredith, I want you, in more ways than just one," he caressed my cheek, tilting my head up, he looked into my eyes. "Make no mistake about that. And I know I don't deserve you – _I wish I did things differently_ – I wish I was more of a man when I met you, I wish I was honest with you, I wish … _I know I don't deserve you_," he rambled softly.

He took a deep breath and I knew he needed to apologize repeatedly and I believed him, that he was truly sorry, but he needed to keep saying it, _for both of us_, at least for a little while longer, I think.

"But the thing is, this second chance thing, I think it's a sign, a chance for me to make this up to you – _even if it takes a lifetime_ – I think it is my destiny to try, and if I'm gonna do that I need to know how you're _feeling and healing_, _you've got to let me know, please, at least trust me with that, let me in … just let me in, tell me how you're feeling,_" he pleaded softly.

"A lifetime of trying?" I squeaked out and he chuckled.

"Yeah, something like that," he said and inched closer to me.

I could feel his energy consume me and I wasn't gonna lie, it felt _really, really good_. My heart raced and my nerve endings hummed as I formulated my words in my mind.

"Okay, well … okay, I'm terrified," I smiled, handing my wine glass to him and moving closer. "And happy and scared and I still feel lonely and I want someone to wake me up from this cruel joke," I said with half a laugh and my heart was suddenly in my throat … _blocking my airway … tackling my sensibility … awakening my inferiority_.

"Hey, hey," Derek said, reaching over to place my wine glass on the coffee table. He turned to me and cradled my shoulders with one of his comforting arms; I leaned into his body, where all my problems could be absorbed. I stared at our sock-covered feet; Derek's small toe touched mine ever so slightly. "You have nothing to be terrified of, _this is no joke_," he said into my ear, the warmth from his body radiated to mine and healed me … _over and over and over again._

We sat there for a few minutes, I think … or not – _time did not pass in the same way for me anymore_ – not when I was with Derek anyway. Since the incident, I didn't seem to watch the clock, the minute and hour of the day held no relevance, or so it seemed. Without warning though, the peaceful silence was thrown off balance, _someone was home_. The door lock clicked and our intruder shuffled inside.

"Anyone home?" Izzie's sing-song voice filled the foyer.

"We're in the living room Izz," I said simply and then she appeared around the corner.

The positive, upbeat smile she usually saved for me fell when she saw us sitting together or rather snuggling together on the sofa.

"What? Is this some kind of sick joke?" she hissed. "I heard Addison was leaving town, what did you do _McDreamy_? Run right over here and try to get her drunk," she surmised excitedly from the scene in front of her. "Your bed isn't even cold yet!" she thundered.

We literally just stared at her, I for one, had no words. Derek just held on tighter, supporting me with his conviction. What could I say? What could I do to make my friends understand my stance, how I felt, _that my life was truly miserable without Derek in the trenches with me_, that as scared as I was to take a step forward with him, _it had to be done_.

"Well, are you just going to _sit there_?" she scolded, ready to fight, her arms akimbo. I have to say, her little fit would have been endearing if it wasn't so damn annoying and off the mark.

"No, Izz, we aren't. We're going upstairs," I said strongly and then stood up, but immediately I felt sick, I lost my footing, the room spun along with my head and I fell back into Derek's lap.

"_Whoa,_ _Meredith are you okay_?" I heard Izzie approach and felt her hands on my knees. Derek's warm body shielded me from her frosty reception; he was on my side in this whole thing. I opened my eyes and saw her concerned face and then I felt terrible, because she was just looking out for me.

"Yeah, Izz, I'm okay, and you know, I don't expect you to understand, I can't explain what goes on between us, we hardly know ourselves," I said and I felt Derek squeeze me closer to him. I felt him relax around me and then I heard his soft voice.

"Listen, what if one day the person you loved most in the world was about to die or _was going to be taken from you_ and you never got to tell that person how you felt, what would you do?" he paused and Izzie just froze. "Then what would happen if it turned out that the person wasn't going to die or depart, _wouldn't you want to take your life into your own hands_, take back control and make it so you _could _do or say what you needed to say, thereby fulfilling _your destiny, your path_?" Derek asked her but she was stuck, frozen … she still had no answer. She actually looked terrified for some reason … the room was silent.

"That's what's going on here, plain and simple," Derek held my hands in our laps. "I've asked Addison for a divorce, she knows the _whole_ story, she knows I couldn't pretend I wasn't love Meredith any longer," he sighed. "_She knew it all along_, it just took a bomb for _me_ to come to terms with it. Sad, yes, but that's for us to figure out and you're just gonna have to let it happen," Derek said with confidence.

_I watched as Izzie knelt there, her eyes never left my glassy ones. I could tell she understood, I could tell her caustic view of things had softened – it was something Derek said to her – it just changed her view._

"Just don't hurt her again," she said quietly as she stood, her blue eyes scanned mine for a beat longer. "Meredith, Alex is on his way over, so if you need us, _we'll be here_," she said protectively.

"Hmm, you and Karev?" Derek wondered aloud.

"It's not what you think, it's just, you know what, it's not … _love_ or anything," she offered nervously, she looked over him to me for help.

"She's just feeding her beast, Derek," I giggled over his shoulder.

"Her beast, what?" he turned slightly to me.

"Never mind," I giggled and gave Izzie the – _"1 am fine"_ – nod and with that she disappeared into the kitchen. I relaxed into Derek's body, seeking the solace only he could provide.

I shifted in his embrace to make eye contact. I scanned his face, he was calm and collected, which surprised me because most of the time I felt he was a bit condescending to my friends, maybe that's not the perfect word, but it was close. He seemed to tolerate them and their childish outbursts because of me, I smiled and he shook his head with a grin.

"Do you ever think they'll trust me with you?" he asked as I lay my head onto his chest, his heart beat wildly, _thump, thump, thump._ I could feel his hot breath breeze along my other cheek.

"_Not that they're gonna stop me from seeing this thing through_, but … you know what, I don't actually care," he said and we both laughed. Derek ran his delicate fingers through my messy hair and I suddenly felt so tired, completely exhausted by all that had happened in the last few hours …I was so relaxed and at home in his warm embrace, my eyes shut almost instantly.

"_Meredith, are you okay_?" Derek asked.

"I'm just tired and relaxed, very relaxed, but so, so tired, this feels good," I said softly.

"Yes it does, lets get you upstairs and then I'll call a cab to get back to the hospital," he whispered into my neck.

Derek helped me stand up, he smoothed my hair away from my face and rested his hands on my shoulders, his eyes twinkled with mischief in the dim light. "Does _your_ beast need to be fed?" he asked with a smirk.

"Wouldn't you like to know," I dished back with a giggle and then stifled a yawn.

"C'mon," he said taking my hand. "We'll have plenty of time for that; lets get you upstairs."

Derek was right about that, there would be lots and lots and lots of feeding our beasts, _and soon_ if I had anything to say about it. But right at this moment, I could feel sleep coming for me or maybe it was all the wine, but at the moment all I wanted to do was crawl into my bed (_with Derek_) and sleep.

**Chapter 6 – Fear – Part 4 of 4 to follow.**


	13. Chapter 6, Fear, Part 4 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: If you are reading, please let me know what you think. Thank you. **

**Chapter 6 – Fear – Part 4 of 4**

I sat down on my bed as Derek ran a bath for me. He was good at taking care of people, _well that was his job_, but what I meant was he was good at taking care of _me_. His scent filled my room – _my space_ – my nostrils, my body hummed from all this proximity and intimacy; his presence crammed my brain with memories of our happier times in this room together.

I quickly became overwhelmed and lay down on my bed. The comforter felt cool under my warm skin, keeping my eyes trained on the ceiling, I tried to melt to the bed, _sink, sink, sink_ lower, and lower, by any means to meld myself into the comfort of my space. I closed my eyes as I heard Derek turn the faucet off and enter the room.

He moved across the room and then felt it: _his warm hand on my cheek_. Without opening my eyes, I took his hand in mine and slowly kissed each of his magical fingers. He sighed. My eyes remained closed, but I knew the concerned look on his face would have been erased from my gesture by the time I opened my eyes again.

"Hi," he said simply, my body shook from the vibrations of his voice. "Your bath is ready," he whispered.

"Thank you," I said as he pulled me up slowly so I was sitting on the bed again.

I stood up and moved into his personal space, all I could hear was my heart as it leapt into my throat. I placed my hands on Derek's chest and his heart was thumping like mad from the sheer intensity of the moment. His unusual proximity again reminded me just how guarded we had become around each other at the hospital, protecting ourselves from our true feelings. His heart, _it felt a lot like my own rhythm_, which left me breathless and trembling most of the time I was this close to him.

He put his hands on my waist around the small of my back and abruptly brought me flush up against him. I heard my gasp fill the quiet room. One half and inch closer and I could put my mouth on his. He moved his hands up to my neck and then rested them on my shoulders, our chests touching. I could feel my hardened nipples aching to be released from the thin pieces of fabric separating my bare flesh from his …I took a staggering deep breath to try to regulate my heartbeat, _but_ _it was no use … I was a goner_.

"Derek," I panted, I couldn't get another word out, this was like a dream – _I needed to tell him this was like a dream_ – a dream I never wanted to end, but I was petrified.

"Your bathwater is getting cold," he said thickly, moving his hands up to cup my face, he kissed my temple, his warm lips left an impression so deep in my skin that I felt bereft when his touch disappeared.

"_I want you,_ _I'm on fire inside, I'm wet for you,_" I said into his neck, boldly kissing him there, tempting fate. I felt him shiver and suck in a deep breath of our air. "But we can't … not yet," I pleaded with him even though my heart wanted him to argue with me.

I wanted him so badly and would have succumb to my natural urges, except my mother's ordeal zoomed in and out of my head so fast – _so fast, I barely captured the thought before pushing it away_ – I would need to discuss this with Derek, _and soon_. I needed his take … his words … I needed him to reassure me that what happened to her wouldn't happen to me.

"Meredith," he breathed. "I want you, I want you so badly – _but we should wait_ – even if it kills me," he laughed. "I could die from wanting you, you know that right," he said and we laughed.

I pulled away against my better judgment, because there was nothing more I wanted to do but stay in his embrace … forever. Sex or not, I wanted his arms _around me_ and there was no way _around that_. Damn, this is so hard, conflicting, why does it have to be so hard?

"Meredith, we can do this," he whispered, his warm hands resting on my shoulders as he played with my hair. He looked into my eyes without blinking and smiled.

"We can be _friends_ until everything is settled. Addison is gone and it is a step and we've held each other at another plane of space and time for a while now, _we can do this, just give me a chance_ …" he said, his voice laden with heavy emotion. He cupped my face in his hands again and I watched a lone tear slip from his right eye and travel down his face into the side of his neck. I kissed it away without thinking. I felt him relax.

"We can have each other – _you have to believe it, you have to _– for so long I told myself to give up on my feelings for you … _I foolishly thought they would pass._ You filled me up when we met, you captivated me and held me hostage when I left you, _I never __really__ left you at all_ – if we can sustain that, we can wait for me to be … _free_."

I looked into his endless blue eyes and felt lost immediately, only without feeling lost at all. I felt like I was finally home, but I was also scared of the vulnerability of it all, fearful of what we could lose if we weren't careful.

"I'm still scared," I choked out truthfully. "I know we need this, deserve this even, _but I'm full of fear_ … I'm scared you'll leave me again and … I … I can't help it – _how will I ever be enough for you_ – there's so much more for us to lose now, you know?" I questioned, my words hung in the air.

"What can I do, what can I do for you, to ease your … anguish, your consumption of inferiority, Meredith, please just tell me," he pleaded, his eyes scanning mine.

"I don't know if there is anything you can do for me Derek, I think I need to take a minute and realize that I never really –"

"Don't say you never … don't give up on me, don't end this before we start … _Meredith, please_," he pleaded, drawing me closer to him.

"I wasn't going to walk away Derek. _I wasn't._ _I swear. _The truth is I can't –"

"Meredith, how can I convince you I'm speaking from my heart and soul – _I know you don't trust me yet_ – just try to give me a chance," he cut me off with a desperate whisper, his voice cracked and broken.

I hesitated; I kind of felt like it was now or never, that our timing had been so incredibly off that if I didn't say something now, I feared I never would … a fleeting thought coursed through my brain – _we may need to __create__ our perfect timing_ – and on that note, I spoke.

"If you would let me finish," I smiled and grabbed his face between my hands, his rough, warm skin felt so good to the touch. "I was going to say how can I trust myself to just be friends?" I sighed and looked into his endless blue eyes and watched as they relaxed, softening around the edges.

"Derek, how could I give you up now, that makes no sense, not when I also never let go in the first place … _I never could bring myself to break our chain,_" unwanted tears formed in my eyes and dropped without warning onto my face, Derek caressed them away with one sweep of his fingers. "How could I walk away now – _when I held you deep inside me_ – I kept you, the memory of you, your hands on me, your face, your eyes … you've haunted me Derek – _at work, at home, in my dreams_ – you had me, you consumed me and just because you left me, doesn't mean I was whole without you, _quite the opposite actually_," I panted through my speech, my eyes never leaving his strong gaze.

"Oh, we're linked … you said … _chain_," he said breathlessly with wonder, his glassy eyes scanned mine.

_He held my gaze for a beat and raked his hands through his hair and then took my hands in his. I felt like if I could stop my own heart from beating, I was sure I would hear his pounding hard against his chest cavity, he was truly breathless. _

"I'm sorry for everything, for all the lost time, for just how everything got so fucked up, _don't be scared, just don't be scared, you'll be fine, we'll be fine one day,_" he said as brought me to him and held on tightly, almost as if his life depended on it. After a moment, he suddenly relaxed in my arms and pulled away with wonder in his eyes. He stared at me for what felt like forever.

"_Do you remember Bonnie?"_ Derek asked desperately, his eyes locked on mine.

"Bonnie, impaled-on-a-pole … train-wreck-Bonnie?" I asked incredulously.

"Yeah," he said and then tears formed in his eyes, and in mine too, for there was no doubt that was an emotional night for both of us.

_Bonnie's death really hit us both hard. For days afterwards I could tell all of his experience with losing lives was no match for how he felt that night. We each had our own reasons to feel sorrowful, both together and apart from each other._

"She whispered a message to me before we moved her off that pole," Derek hugged me and spoke over my shoulder, caressing my back. I felt his warm tears dropping on my neck. I hugged him tighter than I had ever done before. He kissed my bare shoulder and I reflexively felt calmed by his gesture.

"What did she say," I asked softly with encouragement, even though I was secretly scared out of my mind with what he was about to reveal.

"She said to tell her fiancé that _'if love was enough, she would still be here'_, she knew she would be dead by the time I spoke with him," he choked out. "And, and, I …," he stifled a big sob and I held him close while it wracked his large frame. "I … I had this choice to make between you and Addison … it was all so much … the pressure, _it killed me_, the _choice_, it leveled me," he cried and his body shook and I felt his sorrow over his choice, _the choice he made that night_, for the both of us, I felt our distress all over again.

It was a night I would never forget, even if we ended up together and happy, I would always remember how distraught we both were in those moments, everything was so raw and intense – _Bonnie's death ate me alive, devoured me, it was like ground-zero_ – but I couldn't afford focus on that now, I had to move forward, for I had no choice.

"Derek, shhh, Derek, it's okay, we're on the other side of all that now," I pleaded as I hugged him. He pulled away; our eyes glassy with emotion. He ran his fingers through my hair and smiled weakly.

"No, Meredith it isn't okay, because what I _knew then_ and what I know even more now is that _you are enough and you will always be more than enough for me_, always and forever and it just fucking kills me that I made you doubt that …I just … _I love you_, okay, and I know I should wait to say it like that – _without hesitation_ – but I can't help it," he smiled. "_l love you and you'll always be enough,_" he sighed, his tired eyes suddenly sparkled and he didn't seem so distraught.

"Okay," I said with a small smile that only made him chuckle. I couldn't counter any of that, not at the moment anyway.

"I'm a mess," he said.

"So am I," I giggled in agreement, "_And now_ _I am so tired and my bath is cold and I don't want you to leave tonight or …ever, I want this to work, you have to believe me, I do_," I rambled my confession with haste.

"I know, I know you do and I want to stay with you too, but I think maybe I should leave," I looked up to him, for I knew he was right, but somehow I already missed him. "_And don't look at me like that,_ how about you get comfortable and I stay until you fall asleep and then I'll call for a cab, okay?" he suggested.

"Sounds good," I smiled and pulled out of our embrace. I wanted nothing more that for him to stay with me, for him to grab some clothing of his from a box of his things I still had in my closet. I wanted nothing more than for him to protect me, but deep down I also knew to tell myself – _not yet, have patience –_ that I would be fine on my own tonight.

I walked to the dresser and pulled out a pair of yoga pants and a tee. I felt chilled to the bone as I walked to the bathroom. I changed and brushed my teeth all in about two minutes, I was freezing, fresh goose bumps puckered my exposed skin. I ran my hands up and down my arms to smooth them away. When I came out of the bathroom, I found Derek sitting on the corner of my bed, he had pulled back the covers for me and without a word I got into the cool sheets, pulled the comforter up and turned on my side.

Derek sat down in the nook of my fetal position. He caressed my hair back away from my face. He leaned down and gently moved the hair that had fallen across my forehead; he kissed my temple. Boldly, perhaps tempting fate, I pulled him to me and kissed the underside of his neck and held on tight. He smelled so good, so comforting, so familiar and so much like the lover I once knew. He eventually put his hand down on the bed behind my lower back. I felt safe and warm and blessed.

I liked to think Derek would make it right, that we were growing and learning. We had a lot to lose now … we had soul mates to lose … and hearts to break, but for some reason I still had hope it would all be okay.

_Meredith Grey had hope, wow._

Without another word to each other I felt sleep come for me and I drifted slowly to that dark place, allowing the man I once missed so much to cradle me with his proximity and allay both our fears of the future … _at least for tonight. _ And then I heard the soft timbre of his voice as it filled my mind and spirit _– it was angelic_ – and I felt certain it was the last sound I wanted to hear before going to bed … every night for the rest of my life.

"_You can do this Meredith. It's all going to be okay, don't be scared of what the future holds. Now get the rest you need and I'll see you tomorrow. I love you Meredith, I really do. You're going to be fine and we're going to be fine and together and happy one day, you'll see, all in due time." _

_Yeah, all in due time … only time would tell._

**Chapter 7 to follow.**


	14. Chapter 7, Landslide, Part 1 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: If you are reading, please let me know what you think. Thank you. There are lots of views and very few comments. So, there isn't much to say about Fleetwood Mac and this song, it remains one of my all time favorite tunes … pure magic, listen if you have the means.**

**Chapter 7 – Landslide**

Lyrics for "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac:

I took my love, I took it down  
Climbed a mountain and I turned around  
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills  
till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky  
What is love  
Can the child within my heart rise above  
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides  
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing  
cause I've built my life around you  
But time makes you bolder  
Children get older  
I'm getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down  
Climb a mountain and turn around  
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills  
Well the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills  
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down

**Chapter 7 – Landslide – Part 1 of 2**

I slipped into the empty corridor, George had just told me my father was here for me and as we walked down the hallway, we spotted him and I slipped in here … I was frozen in time and my chest heaved with fright and my heart leapt into my throat and stuck there as I hid like a child scared out of her mind. _Suddenly I was five years old again._

I was still replaying our short conversation over again in my head, George had said, _'your father is here to see you'_ … my father ... at first I didn't comprehend what he said to me. The idea was alien to me. _My father is here to see me_, which is complete bullshit, because my _father_ was more like this stranger I knew twenty years ago until he just left one day, leaving me behind with my impartial mother and a very restless soul.

I snapped back into reality and heard George's unmistakable soft voice as it infiltrated my hiding place, they had exchanged pleasantries so it seemed and from where I was standing I could see George as he surveyed this man who called himself my father.

"_I was looking for you. You're...before when I was asking about Meredith, you know her. You're her friend?" the stranger asked hopefully._

"_I know her pretty well," George offered casually._

"_Um, she... my__wife said I should come and try to see her, try to talk to her …,"he stumbled through his words._

"_Did she now?" George played along._

"_Yeah. I...I don't know what to say to her. She looks so much...so much like her mother. Ellis was cold. I mean, I was a coward. I was...I...I left. But her mother would never let me know her and...now I don't know how to know her. Uh...," his voice trailed off with uncertainty._

"_Well, Meredith is anything but cold. She smiles. __Not that often__, but when she does, uh...you know, because she's been going through a lot...but...it's...it's like you feel warm," he paused a beat. "She's kind. I mean, she can be a little selfish. She can be...," he laughed nervously searching for the right words. _

"_She's flawed, but she's kind. __She cares about people__. And, uh, she cares about...about her patients. I think she's going to be a brilliant surgeon. You know, around here, she's known as the one to beat. So, I...I mean, I guess she has that in common with her mom, but...I think the rest of her..." his voice shook. "I think, uh, I think the rest of that she gets from you," he choked out, his voice unsteady with emotion._

In that moment, I realized how special George was to me, giving my father insight into _this particular Grey's_ _anatomy_, offering to differentiate _me _from my mother.

I inhaled a deep breath of the stale air into my lungs, hoping and praying for rejuvenation, some kind of relief for my trembling nerves, but it was useless – _too bad popping over to Joe's for a shot or two or three wasn't appropriate_ – because if it was, I just might find myself there.

"_Hmm. Do...do you know...__how is she__?" the stranger asked, his question laced with insecurity._

"_I think she's doing fine, as well as can be expected after everything …," George said hesitantly. "I could tell her you were here, if you want me to," he offered._

"_Yeah. Ok. Thank you, if you can, I'll try again another day," he said noncommittally._

"_Okay, bye," George said. _

And then I can assume _my father_ turned to leave as George turned to me immediately, a small smile playing on his lips as he entered my hideout of choice.

"_Thank you, George,_" I whispered once I found my voice again, I smiled.

He smiled too and shook his head, "You know, one day you might actually have to talk to him, he's nervous, he seems lost, _not that I'm defending him or anything,_" he added posthaste.

"Of course not and maybe one day I will talk to him, _but not today_," I said definitively.

"I think the coast is clear," he offered as he peered around the corner.

"Thanks," I smiled.

"_Are you sure you're okay Meredith?_ 'Cause it's okay if you're not you know, I mean, I know things have been crazy around here … with everything, just take it easy is all I'm saying," he rambled nervously.

"I'm fine for now, just fine. _Thatcher came looking for me because his wife said to_, not because he wanted to, or … well … maybe he did and maybe he's nervous like you said, but … yeah, I'm fine – _I'm better than fine_ –_ I'm here aren't I?_" I scanned his face.

"Yeah, you are … and that has to count for something, right?" he encouraged.

"That's what I'm trying to figure out, I'm gonna go and take a minute, I'll see you later, okay?"

"Yeah, okay," he said simply and then I turned to leave because I suddenly felt like I needed to be alone.

I headed to The Gallery, maybe I could deposit myself in there for a little bit if no one was around _– or even if there was a surgery going on, I could get lost in that_ – yeah, that was my best plan. As I rounded the corner my pager vibrated against my hip, I snapped it off my scrub pants and glanced down to the LCD: _Alex. _Damn, I was supposed to be in the pit with him and was on my way there when I ran into George. I clicked the text message and glanced down to read it as I walked.

**Karev. Surg. Intern:** _wazzup woman, where r u?_

I smiled. Alex and I had this thing, we would text each other using certain typesets or stereotypes (_like hillbillies or surfers or truckers, yeah, truckers were always fun_). We would use slang and colloquialisms in our texts; it was a funny way make each other laugh, because lets face it, the life of a surgical intern left very little time to joke it seemed to be the gangsta variety. I smiled and typed my reply.

**M. Grey Surg. Intern:** _big bad daddy in da house, hidin' out_

I walked down the corridor, keeping my eyes trained on my PDA.

**Karev. Surg. Intern:** _nuff said, call for back-up, peace out sista_

I smiled and secured my pager to my waistband again. If there was one thing I knew for certain, it was that Alex would always have my back. I could count on it, just as sure as I could count on Izzie to bake when she was nervous or George to whine or Cristina to be competitive.

I headed down the hallway and slipped inside the main doorway to The Gallery, as luck would have it, the place was deserted. I sat down in the front row, all the way to the right interior so I would be concealed from the hallway if anyone peeked inside, _certainly Thatcher would never find me here_.

I opened a real can of worms by going to visit him the other day and now I felt like I was hiding as if my life depended on it. I couldn't help it though, because for years – _my whole fucking life actually_ – I just dealt with being abandoned by him. And whether his wife told him to come or not, _he was here_, and he was looking for me and eventually I was gonna have to face the truth and all the demons that came with it. He might have been a good man when I was a child and maybe he still is, but that doesn't change the fact that he left me behind without looking back.

I took a deep breath and peered down into the dim OR. It was amazing, the room looked so austere and without hope when it wasn't in use … _for a room that could change the course of destiny for so many_, it looked hopelessly without promise when deserted. But when the lights were on and the machines and surgeons and nurses were humming with nervous excitement, _this room rocked_.

I loved the OR, I loved the smell – _I loved the control, the checks and balances_ – I loved the adrenaline rush, I loved finding the mystery and I loved being able to fix it even more. I loved being one of the special people who are permitted within its confines, even if I was just an intern at the moment. _Damn, I loved being a surgeon._ At least that was one thing my mother and I _did_ have in common, George was right – _too bad she'll never know what will become of me_ – too bad she'll never be able to feel proud of me. I sighed and pushed those thoughts from my already crowded brain, for I had no room for them anymore.

In some ways, because of her illness, I was already an orphan, _a role for which I had been born to play_. With countless years of practice behind me, the idea of being parentless had become perfectly natural to me – _which was fine for me_ – but might scare the shit out of someone like Derek or George who seemed to have more conventional upbringings.

As my thoughts raged on I realized one thing was for certain, I had to get back on top of my game – _I had to make this chance worth it_ – fuck all the mommy and daddy issues! _Surely,_ _I could do this._ But could the child deep in my heart rise above all this pain and solitude to surpass my own expectations of my goals and wants in life? Because, sure I could do this alone – _become an extraordinary surgeon_ – I could do this alone like my mother, or I could do it with Derek in my life and be … _spectacular_.

Not to say having Derek in my life would make a difference in how successful of a surgeon I will become, but it will certainly make a strong difference in the overall quality of my life. I would be damned if I was gonna live a life of miserable solitude like my mother, I deserved more … _hell,_ _I deserved it all!_ And very soon I had to come clean with Derek and tell him about my mother, because one thing was for certain I didn't want to end up like her – _I had to make sure he was serious about me_ – and about us before I got in over my head.

I was pulled from my uncontrolled superfluous thoughts by the flicker of the lights in the OR. I sat back in my seat, I guess I had another few minutes before this room would be flooded with on-lookers or Alex would send a search party out for me. I closed my eyes for a moment and then opened them only to find Derek by himself in the dim room below me. I leaned forward and I could see my reflection staring back at me in the glass, _God, I was a mess_. I tucked some loose pieces of hair behind my ears and leaned forward, I pressed my head to the window and watched him and as I did my breath fogged the cool glass intermittently as I breathed _in and out, in and out_.

He was alone, preparing for surgery – _the man was an extraordinary surgeon no doubt_ – but I had never seen him alone in a desolate OR before. I had only ever seen Derek Shepherd walk into the room once everything was a "go" and take charge.

Presently, he stood at the head of the operating table and pulled an apparatus to his right side. He powered the machine up and checked the switches, he reached around the back and checked the plug and then pulled the cord just far enough to see where the outlet was in the floor. He ducked his head down and disappeared from my view for a moment, no doubt checking the connectivity of the machine. He stood up and raked his hands through his hair and turned his attention back to the gurney and stood flush against it, resting his capable hands on the table, his elbows jutted out and his shoulders were shrugged from his action – _what on earth was he doing_?

He then walked to the side of the table and peered underneath and began to crank the table ever so slightly. I watched as the table began to sink _lower, lower, lower,_ until he was satisfied. Then he walked to the head again and pushed his hips against the gurney, his eyes sparkled in satisfaction – _he was simply measuring the height of the table_ – something the nurse would have done in prepping the OR, the nurses knew all the surgeons' specs, height differentials included.

_And then it just hit me like a wave … an uncontrolled power from deep within my subconscious … high tide was in and crashing at the shore as a multitude of thoughts swirled into my mind with force._

_Derek is a good man_. This I knew of course, but what I mean is, he is a good man, he cares, he is compassionate, he has a good solid heart – _sure one that had been trampled on_ – but his foundation was oh, so good and strong.

_Derek is a good man_, a kind, seasoned surgeon, who stood alone in his OR and made his own check of his equipment and the height of the operating table. _Derek cares_. His eyes were those of a good, confident surgeon. They were the eyes his patients trusted, the last pair of trusting eyes his patients would see before going under anesthesia.

_Derek is a good, trusted man who cares._

Tears pooled in my eyes as I put the pieces together, the pieces of this puzzle that had haunted me for so long. I closed my eyes and let those waiting tears fall, the glass fogged up again as I breathed _in and out, in and out,_ attempting to calm my racing heart. My forehead still pressed against the window. I took a staggering deep breath in and tried to stifle a sob lodged deep within my core.

_Then I opened my eyes and forced myself to watch him. _

There he was, Derek Shepherd, the kind of man most women dreamt about, and yet – _he was deeply flawed,_ _he betrayed me and_ _left me_ – just like my father did all those years ago. But Derek, _if given the chance_, would tell me for years to come that leaving me was a colossal mistake … _a huge mistake_. And it might take many years for me to trust him again, but a voice in my heart told me to try … _to try to trust him again._ My face was wet from my tears, but I just let them flow, for there was no dam strong enough to hold them back now.

I leaned back in my chair and then abruptly sat up like a bolt and lunged forward to get one more glimpse of Derek – _this man I was committed to trusting again_ – I just had to watch him some more.

And then without warning, my second puzzle piece came to me, my second epiphany – _that same voice in my heart_ – it called to me telling me that maybe my father also made a mistake and that maybe he also deserved some kind of second chance or an olive branch … I could do the olive branch thing because _maybe_ my father was a good, kind and decent man who once made an egregious mistake. Just like Derek did all those months ago.

_Just maybe. Just maybe. Just maybe. Just maybe he was worth it. Just maybe __they__ were worth it._

I leaned in again against the glass but misjudged the distance and I banged my head against the window. My head made a muted clanking noise as it made contact with the cold hard surface. Startled, I looked down and saw Derek look up. _My heart stopped._ He was as shocked as I was. I watched as he boldly pointed to the phone in the OR and made his way there. Without thinking, I stumbled to the nearby handset and picked up.

"I'll be right up, you stay put," he ordered quietly and the line disconnected.

I sighed heavily. It's like I told Derek the other night – _I want him and I want us_ – but I'm scared and all of these other abandonment issues, well, they just compound my fear … _they grab me and they won't let me go … and I desperately want to be released … I want to be free_.

I wanted to believe things will be different, better and healthy for me and for Derek. I wanted to believe that, but where do I start, where do I draw the line and let everything from the past just go … how do I release myself from trying to heal old wounds?

I sat down, my mind and body humming with energy – _energy that had no place to go_ – I had no choice but to wait for Derek and his soothing voice and his wise words to help me sort this all out.

**Chapter 7 – Landslide – Part 2 of 2 to follow.**


	15. Chapter 7, Landslide, Part 2 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: If you are reading, please let me know what you think. Thank you. There are lots of views and very few comments. **

**Chapter 7 – Landslide – Part 2 of 2**

I only had to wait a couple of minutes for Derek to arrive. My heart pounded into my chest and I heard his muffled footsteps before he even entered The Gallery.

"Meredith," he sighed upon entering, I turned to face him. He scanned my face, trying to read me.

"Derek, sorry, I was up here … _I was hiding_," I said apprehensively. "I saw my father which was, uh ... _I don't know what it was_," I rambled softly.

He approached my seat and stood in front of me. He reached down and pulled me into his warm embrace in one fluid motion. I relaxed into his welcoming arms and took a deep breath of his familiar scent. I rested my head in the crook of his neck just above the line of his scrub top. His warm skin soothed me like nothing else.

"Hmm. You ok?" he breathed.

"Better now, I think, how about you?" I asked without thinking.

"Also better now," he said into my hair, his breath breezed along my bare neck and I shivered.

"I watched you," I blurted out. He only hugged me tighter. "That sounded weird, I was up here already and then you came and I got to thinking … _what were you doing anyway_?" I rambled on and on because I couldn't slow my mind down; there was a lot I needed to get out.

"Hmm. I was prepping, doing a craniotomy on a kid in a little bit, he'll have to be awake, it's a bold plan, but it's ah … it's necessary," he said with a hint of trepidation I hadn't heard from him before.

And then it hit me, I pulled back from our embrace and searched his soulful eyes with mine. I really felt it in that moment; _I felt how much Derek really trusted me_.

"You really trust me, don't you?" I asked with a smile.

"Yes, I do, I thought you understood that," he said softly. He reached up and moved some hair off of my forehead.

"I think I do know that, it's just that surgeons don't like to reveal … you know … their uncertainties to other people … surgeons or patients or, you know, isn't that just part of being a surgeon …this whole image, the God-complex thing –"

"You aren't just anyone though, Meredith, you know that right?" he smiled. "You're my …," he looked into my eyes then, they were warm and confident and dreadfully serious. "You're my partner, if I can't tell you or show you or let my guard down or you can't do the same with me, then what's the point?" he asked without judgment.

"I get it, I'm happy about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm sorry you feel uncertain, but I'm happy you can let your wall down in front of me," I smiled and looked up, I took his hand and walked a few steps to the last seat at the top row. I pulled the back of the seat down, he took a seat. I looked towards the small window in the door to The Gallery and Derek followed my gaze … we wouldn't be seen from the hallway. I turned back to him and sat on his lap and he chuckled.

"This is cozy," he whispered. I rested my head on his shoulder.

"Yeah, well, I'm looking for cozy … from you … comfort," I said boldly, but instantly I regretted saying anything, I didn't want to overwhelm Derek with another thing to worry about.

"Spill it," he said into my hair.

"No, it can wait, I don't want you to worry about me, it was unexpected surprise seeing you, this is nice," I sighed. "I can handle this, you have enough on your plate, I've interrupted you … _maybe we can talk later_," I said with haste.

"Not good enough, sure I have concerns about this surgery, _I have concerns before every surgery, I always want the best outcome_. I just wanted to check this one piece of equipment myself, and well, he's just a kid … my patient is just a kid," he whispered and I could feel his nerve endings split as he sighed with concern. "Bailey's my intern," he chuckled. "She'll keep me in check," he said lightly.

"Bailey's your intern?" I had to ask and looked up to meet his gaze.

"Don't look at _me_, it was _her_ idea, something about being mommy-tracked," he sighed.

"Hmm … what do you think about that?" I asked more out of curiosity than anything else.

"I don't think she's being mommy-tracked, but she's highly emotional, she just had a baby and six weeks out of the OR can make any surgeon crazy," he smiled. "Look in her career that's probably the most time she ever spent away from cutting, she's bound to be a little emotional and insecure. I get it, so I'm helping her out, she's a good woman, a good surgeon," he said with authority.

"Yeah, she is," I said and my thoughts drifted to my own mother.

"Although, I didn't tell her my patient is just a boy, I didn't want to scare her away from something she wants deep down … do you think I should forewarn her?" he asked seriously.

"No, I think she would be conflicted, she won't be cross with you for more than a couple minutes once she's in the OR," I said thoughtfully as I lay my head down on Derek's chest.

"Meredith," Derek said after a couple of minutes. "I don't want to have secrets this time around, I want to know what's going on with you and I know you can probably handle this on your own, God knows you are a strong woman, _but I'm here now and I want to know,_ _if you're willing to let me in, I want to know_."

And then I knew I needed to say something about my mother and father, because if I didn't I knew he would take _this unresolved talk_ into the OR, and well, I couldn't risk that, not when someone else's life was on the line.

I took a deep breath and spoke rapidly before I lost my nerve, "My mother had an affair with someone during her residency that ended her marriage to my father, _that's why my father left_. He didn't leave because of me, like I believed he had for all these years, he left because of _her_ … she chose this man, _whoever he was_, instead of me and my father," I sighed and took a deep breath. Derek ran his hand up and down my arm, I held on to him for dear life.

"I only found out a couple of weeks ago, you know my mother is reliving that time in her life and she just talked about her affair with such passion that day, she left my father for this man, but I can tell you Derek – _he didn't stay with her, he must have left her_ – that's why she was always so …," I heaved a sigh, I could feel my tears building up, threatening to spill over if I kept talking, but I needed it out, all of a sudden I needed it out of me.

"Meredith, I'm sorry, what can I do?" he asked.

"Derek, when I was a child, she was so broken, she was in shambles, she had no time for me, she resented me, whoever this man was, he broke her beyond repair, _Derek, she tried to kill herself over this_," I sighed and heard him take a deep breath. "_Which isn't the point_, I just … I just … _what if … what if you decide to leave again_ …," I pleaded and those waiting tears fell like a rain storm after a drought. I curled into myself. I could feel Derek holding me so, so tight and then I heard him stifle a sob of his own.

"Shh, Meredith, shh," he sniffled. "Damn it," he took a deep breath and kissed the top of my head through my hair.

"I know what you said, I know you're committed, but Derek, what if you choose someone else instead of me again? _I'll end up like her and I've already lived her miserable existence once_," I swallowed hard, Derek ran his free hand up and down my arm, his touch radiated warmth and encouragement. "I cannot do it again, I can't, I can't … _I can't be broken that way_, I'm scared Derek, I'm so scared of the future and the past … _this isn't just a weight baring wall in a house of cards falling down, Derek … the whole house is coming down and it's a fucking landslide_!" I sobbed uncontrollably.

"Okay, shh, take it easy, shh … _Meredith,_ _I have you, I have you,_ _let it out_ … we'll be fine, we'll figure this out … we have to," he soothed with a cracked voice.

We sat entangled for several minutes, I knew Derek would have to get going soon and I could place a bet that Alex would page me before too long. I felt wretched for letting go like this – _this was not how I intended to handle this_ – now I felt for sure Derek would be consumed with worry and I would never forgive myself if his patient was worse off for it. I felt worse than I had before I said something.

Derek stirred first, he moved his hand up to my chin and raised my head gently. "Look at me Meredith," he said quietly and I did and our bubble came and encapsulated us and I got lost in his endless eyes – _they took me to another place and time_ – I sighed. He kissed my forehead in recognition and then pulled away from me to speak again.

"I can do nothing more than promise you … that you won't end up like your mother," he smiled. "Meredith, don't you see, when I thought you were gone from this earth, I lost it, everything, my light burned out, my future was _blank_ … _just_ _blank_," he sighed in remembrance. "You're the love of my life, don't you see, being without you isn't an option for me," he scanned my face with his worried eyes. "I'm willing to wait until you're ready, _I am_. I'll wait as long as it takes, _I'm not going anywhere_ … _I thought you understood that …there is no one else_," he said, his eyes sleek with fresh tears.

"Okay, okay, thank you, okay, I'm just … shit I hate feeling so powerless … _I just don't want history to repeat itself,_" I sighed, feeling marginally better.

"It won't Meredith, it won't because we both want this, therein lies the difference, we're _both_ committed to seeing it through. Your mother's lover didn't want her … but Meredith, _I want you,_ God knows I want you; I'm changing my life just to be with you. _I am … but_ _are you … do you …_ _do you want me_?" he asked, fear evident in his voice.

I looked up to Derek once more to answer whole heartedly, "_YES_", but my pager buzzed, I stood up against the back wall and fished my PDA from my waistband. Derek raked his hands through his hair and sighed, I saw his cheeks were flushed as I forced myself to look away from him to the LCD: _Alex_.

**Karev. Surg. Intern:** _yo grey mamma, wazzup?_

I smiled as I typed my reply.

**M. Grey Surg. Intern:**_ be rolling into the pit soon brotha, peace out_

I attached my PDA to my waistband again and Derek stood so I was pressed against the back interior wall, he snaked his long surgeon's fingers through mine and held on tight. He stepped another inch closer, our bodies flush against one another. I looked up to his beautiful face and was greeted with his calm, twinkling eyes, _they were still twinkling_, despite all the shit I just piled on him, his eyes were … _sparkling_.

"Do you need to go? My surgery is in about forty-five minutes, I still have time now …," he sighed. "You didn't answer my question, Meredith … _do you want me … do you want us, because I'll wait, but I need to know if you want it all with me, or if you want to try,"_ he asked as he inched even closer to me. His hot breath breezed across my ear and I felt the sensation zoom into my belly.

"I do," I answered truthfully. "Without a doubt in my mind, I do," I added.

"Me too," he breathed with relief and I squeezed his hands. "I'm gonna do my best to make you happy Meredith, just give me a chance," he said softly, but his voice cracked and his eyes betrayed his confidence, his gaze wavered ever so slightly around mine.

"Derek, please don't worry about this, we can make it through, and we're changing our path, our destiny, right?" I asked with urgency, I had to make this right before his surgery. I had to prove my commitment to him somehow.

"_I worry about you Meredith,_ I don't want you to feel how you have been since you found out about your mother, _I don't want secrets_. I want you to trust me with your fears and expectations and hopes and dreams, _I want it all, the dream of it all_, _I hope you know that_," he said desperately.

I unclasped my fingers from his and placed my hands on his chest, his heart felt like thousands of wild horses charging forward, vigorously pumping life into him and all he just said to me.

_He wants it all … with me, he wants the dream … with me._

"I want it all too, with you, I do, I really do … _Derek,_ _trust me_, _I do_," I whispered and cupped his face in my hands, then I reached up and ran my fingers along his supple lips, he smiled, his eyes sparkled with amusement. I watched as his beautiful face just relaxed and his worry lines dissipated via my touch. I smiled, for I knew with what I was about to do, there would be no turning back and truth be told, _I had no intention of ever letting go of Derek Shepherd._

_I pushed myself up and pressed my lips to his – soft at first – I melted on contact, Derek moaned in surprise. My core was on fire in an instant. Without wasting time, I felt Derek seek further entry and I granted him access as he moaned into my mouth, his familiar tongue swept across my teeth and into my depths, sending chills up and down my spine. His hands were on my skull within seconds, wielding control of our kiss … our first kiss … our kiss full of promise and hope. I lost myself in him and in the moment, I felt pliant in his arms. I held on tight, low around his waist, pulling him to me as my knees gave out, I felt completely and totally relaxed and at home. I continued to pump his lips with mine, darting my tongue in and out of his warm cavernous depths, over and over and over again until I my mind went blank and I was dizzy with love and lust and obsession. _

Derek pulled away first, his eyes wild with passion and surprise, all I could _hear_ was our panting, all I could _feel_ were our hearts pumping, mutually fueling the fire that burned within each of us, both together and apart. Derek leaned his forehead against mine and inhaled a deep breath, his hands clasped around my neck and shoulders. We never broke eye contact; my heart was racing to keep up with my mind as I scanned his wild eyes and replayed our kiss in my head … _I wanted more_.

"I love you," he panted softly, his eyes bore into mine. "Never forget that," he added and I felt a zing in my heart and soul, the fire smoldered on in my core.

"I know you do, and I'm working on that second part," I sighed. "Can we meet later? I know you're off before me, but I'm hoping you'll say yes," I asked hopefully.

"There's nothing I would rather do, I'll go home and grab Doc, we can walk him together … get something to eat," he said breathlessly.

"There's nothing else you'd rather do, really?" I teased, my face flushed.

"Well, there's plenty more I want to _do_, but I understand, history won't repeat itself Meredith, _I promise_, we're waiting, you won't be the other woman, I get it," he said and his eyes softened again on the truth, he brought me flush up against him and kissed my head through my hair.

"I should get going, Alex is down at the pit waiting for me, are you … are you okay, I would never forgive myself if I made you lose focus or something."

"I'm better than okay, I want more of that though, more kissing I say," he winked as I pulled away from our embrace.

He took my hand and we took a couple of steps towards the door. But I turned back to him and entered his space again and looked into his eyes and scanned them _back and forth, back and forth_. I wanted there to be no doubt in his mind about us once we left this room, I didn't want him to worry _about me or about us or our future_. I think Derek was right, that time heals all wounds and time had been kind so far, things were looking up and I needed him to know I was committed.

"Derek, I want you in my life," I whispered and I kissed him once more for good measure, soft and quick. "I really, really want … _us_ … I need you to _know_ that and _feel_ that in your heart …," I sighed and he just smiled at me with his eyes. "Now go kick ass and save that boy," I said with a smile. I pecked him on his cheek and extricated myself from his embrace. I turned and left the room, no doubt leaving him completely dumbfounded and sated and happy.

As I walked down the hallway with a spring in my step and a full heart, I really believed time had been good to me and Derek so far and who knew what the future would hold, I only knew that Derek and I were in the trenches together and that we both wanted to live out that beautiful dream. And he was right, this _was_ different from my mother's predicament; because both Derek and I wanted the same thing out of this … _we wanted us_.

_We both wanted the dream, which was a start, but only time would tell how long it would take us to bask in all it had to offer._

**Chapter 8 to follow.**


	16. Chapter 8, Here With Me, Part 1 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: If you are reading, please let me know what you think. Thank you. This song by Dido is really wonderful, I love it, take a listen if you have the means. **

**Chapter 8 – Here with Me**

Lyrics for Dido's: "Here With Me":  
I didn't hear you leave  
I wonder how am I still here  
And I don't want to move a thing  
It might change my memory

_[Chorus:]_  
Oh I am what I am  
I'll do what I want  
But I can't hide  
I won't go  
I won't sleep  
I can't breathe  
Until you're resting here with me  
I won't leave  
I can't hide  
I cannot be  
Until you're resting here with me

I don't want to call my friends  
They might wake me from this dream  
And I can't leave this bed  
Risk forgetting all that's been

**Chapter 8 – Here with Me – Part 1 of 2**

I walked up the way to the vet clinic where Derek had dropped Doc off this morning for his check-up. The vet was nice enough to keep Doc for me, _for us_, until I could pick him up. Derek was still held up at the hospital waiting for his patient – _who according to him, was the 'most annoying divorce attorney on the planet' _– to have a grand mal seizure.

According to Izzie they were about to make her play some kind of video game that was known (in certain circles) to cause seizures, which is what Derek wanted – _he wanted her to have a grand mal seizure_ – a supervised one of course, _which if you were going to have a seizure, it would be the best kind to have_, but still that doesn't make it _sound_ right … lets just say, being a surgeon can be pretty fucked up sometimes.

I shook my head in wonder as I pulled on the door handle and stepped inside the clinic. The place was clean and calming. A friendly enough woman at the reception desk waved for me to sit down while she finished her phone call.

"We certainly do. Yes. Thank you," her sing song voice filled the space as she placed her handset back into the cradle.

"Hi, I'm Lola, you must be Meredith Grey … here to pick up Doc," she surmised.

"Yes, thank you for keeping him for me, _ah us … me, I appreciate it_," I stumbled through my words.

"No trouble at all," she smiled. "You can wait in here," she motioned to a small office and I followed her, she smiled and turned to leave and then I heard a man's voice from the other room.

"Hey Lola?" said the melodic voice and with that Dr. Finn Dandridge rounded the corner to the office.

"Oh, Hi. I'm Finn Dandridge, I'm Doc's vet. And you are Dr. Grey … Doc's other owner. We finally meet, hello," he rambled on, his warm eyes met mine.

"Hi, yes, is Doc ready or do I need to sign something, is he okay?" I asked, realizing I had never picked a pet up from the vet's office before in my life. I never had a pet before I had Doc,_ not even a goldfish_, which is sad, pathetic really, but don't get me started on that.

"Nope, I'll go get him for you, you can wait here," he said cheerfully and then disappeared.

Once he was gone, I sat down and took a minute to look around. The office was nice, calm and soothing, the lighting was dim. There was a small examination table off to the side against one wall, maybe used for consults. It was a more homey office than that of a human medical office, much less clinical, even though life and death decisions were also made in this space. It was all very curious to me.

I stood up when I noticed there were several framed diplomas from Tufts University displayed on the wall in front of me. I crossed the small room and read them, the first, _Finneus C. Dandridge, DVM – Doctor__ of Veterinary Medicine, _and the second,_ Dr. Finneus C. Dandridge, DVM/MP – Masters in Public Health, _and the third one,_ Dr. Finneus C. Dandridge, DVM/Phd._ A Phd? Wow. Leave it up to Derek to find a veterinarian who is a double doctor, Cristina was gonna flip when I told her this one, I had to laugh.

I turned slightly and saw a small framed photo of a beautiful woman on the desk, I leaned down to scrutinize it further, she was smiling so genuinely and looked so carefree, I got lost for a moment in her warm brown eyes. _She looked young and sinfully happy_, I could only deduct she belonged to Dr. Dandridge in some fashion, girlfriend or wife. _I smiled, her smile was infectious._

I backed away from the desk to sit down again when I literally bumped into Dr. Dandridge, "Oh, sorry," he said. "Lola is going to bring Doc out front, he's fine, he's happy, you just need to sign this," he said softly as he handed a clipboard to me.

"Oh, thank you, sorry, I was just looking around … so you're a _double doctor_?" I asked nervously.

"Oh, yeah, well after I got my second Masters, in Public Health, I just figured a doctorate couldn't hurt," he chuckled. "Between you and me, I just didn't know what I wanted, but then I settled down, and well, here I am … the photograph there, that's … that's Liz, my wife," he offered.

"Oh, she's beautiful, it's a lovely photo. Is she a veterinarian also?" I asked as I signed my name.

"She was, she died though, she –"

"Oh God, I'm so sorry," I cut him off and looked up from the clipboard and was met with his kind eyes. "I am just so sorry for your loss, I shouldn't have intruded or you know –"

"Dr. Grey, it's okay," he said and I looked into his sad eyes. "I have that photo in here just because I love it and I couldn't part with it and I thought if I packed away – _it __might change my memory of it _– I guess I still want her here with me … I'm not upset, I miss her, but I'm not upset with you," he said softly.

"Oh, okay," I smiled nervously. "Do you mind if I … _was she sick_?" I asked hesitantly.

"No, she was the picture of health. She was in a car accident, she didn't suffer, _which would be my one wish_, you know – _if something happens to the one you love_ – that's what we want for them … _to go peacefully_," he smiled weakly and so did I.

He turned to leave the office and I followed him, my legs were numb and as I stepped out of the office a course of _nervous energy snapped up my spine, like rungs on a ladder_, suddenly my body was humming with unforeseen insecurity … and then without notice, I had a stark realization, my stomach flip-flopped with this thoughts: _I love Derek too much to even think about living without him, I wouldn't know what to do without him_ _… and this is how he feels … this is how Derek feels about me, this is how he felt about almost losing me to that bomb. _

"Yeah, um … that's what we want … thank you, Dr. Dandridge … for ah everything … for taking care of Doc, he's a good dog," I said seriously.

"You're welcome," he said. Lola rounded the corner and I heard Doc yelp with enthusiasm as I turned to greet him.

I knelt down and patted his fury head. "Hey buddy, how are you? Did you miss me?" I laughed as he poked at my shoulder with his nose. "I missed you too, you're such a good dog," I said and for some reason my eyes welled with tears and I held Doc tight around his neck as I kissed his head. I felt so sad all of a sudden, it was like crashing waves that wouldn't stop, panic rose into my chest and infinitely stayed there, a small hard pit formed in my stomach … _I had to see Derek, flesh and bone, heart and soul … I needed him here with me._

I stood up and Lola handed Doc's leash to me. "I put some healthy snacks and some dog food in here for you, Dr. Shepherd said Doc is going to your house for a little bit tonight, so he wanted to save you a trip to the store," she said as she handed me a brown paper bag.

"Thank you, yes he is, he's coming with me and then we'll wait for Derek together, right Doc?" I asked and he yelped in agreement.

"Call me if you have any questions, if not, I'll see you in about six months," Dr. Dandridge offered.

"Thank you, it was nice meeting you Dr. Dandridge."

"You can call me Finn, you know," he said with a smile.

"Well, then you can call me Meredith, thanks again," I said as I shook his warm hand. He opened the door for me and Doc and we walked out into the cool, damp Seattle night.

"Bye Meredith," he said from the door.

"Bye Finn," I said as we raced down the walkway to my truck.

We got to the truck and I opened the back door for Doc and he hopped inside. I made my way to the driver's side and got in. I looked at my watch; I had about an hour before Derek was scheduled to meet me. _One hour. _My head was spinning; I just needed to get home safely. I needed to get Doc home and wait for Derek, he would be there soon. The pit rolled in my stomach as I started the truck.

As I pulled into traffic I took a deep breath to regulate my heart. Doc lay down on the back seat and closed his eyes, _so much for companionship_, I thought wryly. As I drove to my house, I could feel it, _this undercurrent of worry, it was lodged in my heart and in my stomach, it just kept churning and fueling itself, it felt like a persistent ulcer_. What happened to Finn Dandridge was terrible and horrific and something I never wanted to live to tell about. I mean, as a surgeon I was gonna have to face a lot of these types of events, death and tragedy when there is no reason for it, accidents … accidents happen. _But this somehow felt different._

It was just the way Finn said that about how we don't want our loved ones to suffer – _my chest tightened again at the thought of Derek suffering_ – or worse losing him to an accident. I gripped the steering wheel and tried to get my mind back on the road. Derek would be with me soon enough and then I could talk to him about this, make some sense out of it. I drove the rest of the way making sure to pay special attention to the speed limit and the other cars on the road.

I pulled up in front of my house, _it was dark and no one was home_. Most of the time I was relieved when I came home to a dark house, it just meant a moment of privacy before all the craziness from work would come home. Tonight though, it would have been nice to come home and find Izzie in the kitchen or George in the living room. I needed company; well … I had Doc with me. I smiled at the thought. _Less than one hour, I could do this._

I sighed and got out of the truck, I took the bag Lola gave to me and opened the rear passenger door. Doc wasted no time bounding up the steps to the porch. He barked for me to hurry and I ran up the steps to meet him. Yeah, at least I had Doc with me, I had man's best friend with me …_ I had Derek's best friend with me_ … and that would suffice, for now.

**Chapter 8 – Here with Me – Part 2 of 2 to follow.**


	17. Chapter 8, Here With Me, Part 2 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: If you are reading, please let me know what you think. Thank you. **

**Chapter 8 – Here with Me – Part 2 of 2**

I opened the door and Doc scurried inside. I flicked the lights on and found him sprinting into the living room. He was timid at first, sniffing around at everything, noting the changes in the room. Soon, he lay down on the floor on the area rug there near the fireplace and relaxed. He peered up to me; his uninterested brown eyes watched me as I slipped my shoes off and removed my jacket. He was perfectly at home and didn't budge when I grabbed the bag from Lola and headed into the kitchen to grab a snack and a glass of wine.

I poured some water into a deep bowl and took another bowl from the cupboard to put some food in it for Doc. I looked at my watch; Derek would be arriving in about a half hour. _My heart raced,_ _I just needed him here with me._ I opened a bottle of red wine and poured some into a glass, I took a small sip, it felt good going down. _Nice. Tart. Spicy. Bold. _All the things wine should be.I went to the fridge and grabbed some sliced cheese and then took some crackers from the pantry and sat down with my wine at the table.

Doc sauntered into the room and without direction from me, found his bowls. He lapped some water and then made his way to sit at my feet. The warmth from his body felt good against my legs. It was nice to see he had calmed down, being out at Derek's gave him a good enough chance to run around during the day now, so if things were to go the way we wanted them too, there was a chance he could spend some time here too_._ _My heart swelled with happiness from the mere thought of it all._

I glanced down at my watch and grabbed my PDA from the table top. I wanted to know when Derek would be here, I could call or send a text to ask him. I really just wanted to know when he left the hospital, so then I could estimate what time he would be here and I could calm down, _I just wanted him here with me, I could hardly breath._ This thing with Finn threw me for a loop and I needed to get a grip. I took another small sip of my wine and decided against texting him; he would be here soon enough.

Doc stirred at my feet and I reached down and patted his fury head. I loved having him here, he stood up and I leaned down and kissed his head and scratched his ears, he barked in response and began twirling around chasing his tail. I smiled.

"Doc, it's just your tail buddy!" I exclaimed with a laugh and he twirled around to look at his tail one more time.

"Aw, c'mere Doc, you're so funny, c'mere," I laughed as he loped happily to me, pushing his nose into my shoulder.

"I love you too Doc, you've been happy with Derek … I've missed you so much," I said and he yelped in response.

"Did you miss me too?" the soft timbre of Derek's voice filled the kitchen. I looked up and he was there just like a dream in the dim light, _his eyes sparkled with happiness and if I wasn't mistaken they seemed wet with emotion … my heart stopped_. He smirked and I never felt so relieved to see him. I stood up and was in his arms in about two seconds. I held on to his waist for dear life and let the beat of his heart soothe me, resting my cheek against his soft cashmere sweater, I closed my eyes. My heart was heavy with emotion I hadn't expected.

"Whoa, whoa, are you okay," he said softly into my hair, his voice laced with alarm.

I just stood there and let him hold me, his hands in my hair, he kissed the top of my head … _I just let myself be in the moment and relish it, I breathed him in_, _because this was big …_ _because without hesitation, I wanted him here with me_. I pulled away from his embrace.

"I'm better now, I had a weird thing happen and it just made me think, do you want a glass of wine, some cheese and crackers?" I asked and then hugged him again.

"Yeah, yeah, I do," he smiled and removed his jacket. He sat down at the table. I grabbed another glass and he took it from me straight away. My hands were shaking – _I hadn't realized my hands were shaking_ – but not out of fear, out of simple relief. He poured himself some wine and I sat down next to him.

"_Hey, hey, what happened to you tonight?"_ he asked softly. He put his arm around my shoulders and squeezed me closer. I reached up and laced my fingers through his hand on my shoulder, his physical touch grounded me. I think I was ready to take this leap, I mean this was my second chance, I should take it. I sighed.

"Have you ever operated under a certain set of concrete circumstances and then been completely shocked by an upset in those circumstances?" I asked, peering into his eyes.

"Um, yeah, remember wife slept with best friend, circumstances I never thought would happen, not in a million years would I have guessed that Addison and Mark would have done that to me," he chuckled lightly.

"Hmm, good point," I smiled.

"Have you ever talked to Finn Dandridge?" I asked curiously.

"The vet? Yeah, he's into fishing, he's a good vet, a good guy," Derek said _and he was_, at least he seemed to be those things, '_a good vet, a good guy_'.

"Did you know he was married?" I asked softly, keeping my eyes trained on my wine glass. I took another small sip.

"I never thought to ask," Derek eyed me curiously. "_Meredith, are you okay_?" he asked, taking a small sip from his wine glass.

"Yeah, I am – _but his wife died Derek_ – in a horrible car accident," I looked up and I could see he was surprised. "Can you imagine, getting married and feeling like you're gonna grow old with someone and then _boom_, it's over before you get out of the starting gate?" I breathed.

"Meredith? _Boom_? Seriously?" Derek asked incredulously, turning his body towards mine.

"Right, sorry, _boom, bomb, boom,_ I get it, bad analogy … bad choice of words," I rambled through my apology with a weak smile. Derek just sat there expectantly, waiting for me to continue.

"I guess I'm just shocked, I mean, we face death every day, it's all so sad, it just hit me, he's so young, _they were happy and in love and then she was just_ … _gone_," I sniffled. I felt a little bit ridiculous, I mean – _I didn't know Finn Dandridge from the Pope_ – but I felt like his wife's death was somehow relevant to me … _it hit home_.

"Meredith, look at me please," he sighed and I obliged. "_This is what it's like_, in a relationship … _this is what it's about_, that's what makes it so great and so terrifying at the same time," he said as he smoothed a piece of hair behind my ear. "What happened to Finn is everyone's worst nightmare, an accident like that – _we all want our loved ones to come home safe and sound every night_ – that's all we want, at the end of the day, right?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah, makes sense," I said cautiously.

"Meredith, remember, no secrets, _just_ _tell me what's going on in that beautiful mind of yours_," he said just above a whisper, he moved closer and turned my head with his fingers, he scanned my face with his eyes and smiled with encouragement.

"It's just Derek, this idea of you and me, I've never … _I've never put so much faith in the idea of something_. I just – _this is embarrassing_ – I can't …," I sighed with worry in my heart.

"You can't what Meredith? You can say anything to me, anything at all," he encouraged and pulled me into his arms. "Say what you're scared of, you can say anything to me, I promise," he said again into my hair.

"_I've never had someone to come home to Derek … never,_" he only drew me closer as I uttered my confession. "It's all so completely wonderful and horrifying, are you sure … are you sure you want me, I have no idea what I'm doing …," I stifled a sob into his chest.

"Oh, Meredith, don't," Derek's eyes remained steady.

"I'm a fish out of water here, I'm scared of all the vulnerability that comes with it – _me_ _counting on you, you counting on me_ – it's just different, it's new, _no one's ever cared this much about me before_," I sighed as I rattled off my fears. Waiting tears pooled in my eyes, just one blink and I would be a mess.

"Come here, come here," he said as he stood up and I was immediately enveloped in his embrace. _I held on tight and he held me even tighter._

"I know, I'm a mess, but I can't apologize for it. I just don't want to mess this up and lose you – _I've been strong all my life, for only just me_ – but now I have so much more to lose than just myself," I rambled into his chest. His heart beat wildly against my ear.

"Meredith, accidents happen, we know that, _but I'll do my best to avoid them_, okay, you know I will," he smiled. "I already told you I can't live without you, so you better do your best too and you're not a mess – _trust me Meredith, I'm a mess too_ – but I've done this before … this is big for you, I get it," he said and ran his hands up and down my back.

"Derek," I breathed and suddenly I wanted him all to myself.

"Hmm?" he murmured.

"Doc can go out back for a bit and run around, do you want to come upstairs with me … privacy couldn't hurt now that everyone will be coming in soon, what do you think?" I dared myself to ask, _for now that he was here with me I barely wanted to see him go._

"Whatever you're ready for," he said and planted a small warm, wet kiss to my neck. The hair behind my ears stood at attention at the root and a chill ran down my spine. I shivered involuntarily.

"I'm ready … I'm not sure for what exactly, but I know I want privacy and I know I want you here with me for a while longer tonight," I said directly.

We opened the back door and Doc bounded outside, I put the back light on and scribbled a note to Izzie and George that Doc was here, and added that it would only for a little bit tonight. Derek put his food and water outside.

"I see Lola made good on her promise, he seems happy … Finn said he did great with his check-up," Derek said we closed the door.

"She sure did and yes, Finn said he is happy and healthy," I smiled and squeezed Derek's hand. "Come on, I won't bite, at least not tonight," I teased as he followed suit.

_Derek slipped his shoes off in the foyer and we walked up the darkened stairwell hand in hand. I pushed my door open and closed it immediately behind us. The dim light from the street illuminated the room just enough, I sighed with relief to have Derek all to myself. He pulled me into a tight hug. We stood there for a minute; I let the quiet of the room still my racing heart. _

"I could stay like this forever," Derek's voice softly invaded the quiet.

"Me too," I said into his chest, keeping my ear pressed against his heart. "Do you know what I missed the most once you left me?" I asked gently.

"What's that?" he asked and I looked up.

"The sound of your heart, it used to lull me to sleep, I couldn't sleep for weeks after you left," I said, my eyes became wet and I pressed my face into his chest again.

"I missed yours too," he said simply with a sigh.

"Did you really mean what you said about not being able to live without me?" I asked quietly, moving my hands down to hug Derek at his waistband of his jeans.

"Yes," he whispered, squeezing me further into his chest. "I remember the first time I made love to you in this room," he said softly in remembrance.

"Me too," I said into his chest and felt my body begin to hum. "After our breakfast date, no one was home," I said laughed and inched up to kiss the underside of his neck, I couldn't get enough of him. "No one is home now …," I whispered, tempting fate.

Derek didn't make a move in response; instead he ran his warm hands up my back and rested them in my mess of hair at my neck. His hands on my sensitive bare flesh after all this time felt warm and soothing and simply divine.

"Look at me," he ordered quietly and I opened my eyes to find his …they sparkled in the dim light, becoming sleeker with each passing second. He shook his head as he wordlessly stared at me, he never spoke he just pressed his lips together and then just sighed.

"Derek, what?" I asked, slightly worried. He took my hand and led me to the small lounge chair near the window. He sat down and pulled me onto his lap in one fluid motion.

"Derek!" I giggled into the quiet room and he smoothed my wild hair back away from my face. He situated me so I was sitting across his lap, leaning in the crook of his elbow against the chair cushion. The street lamp provided ample light. He leaned forward and kissed the side of my face, just above my cheekbone. My skin prickled with heat from his simple gesture.

"How many second chances do you think we're gonna get?" he asked into my neck. "_Everything I am saying to you now is everything I ever wanted to say_. _There's no way around it, there's nothing but the truth here_," he smiled and kissed my forehead. I leaned up and kissed the underside of his neck, he smelled like home.

"Well then the truth is, I'm not sure I can live without you either, I can't see it happening … I can't," I fearlessly said into his neck.

"Meredith?" he whispered my name like no other, a shiver swept up and down my body.

I sucked a deep breath of air into my lungs and tried to press it down to slow my untamed heart, but it was no use. I just needed him – _I couldn't explain it_ – maybe it was sadness of Finn's story, it just resonated with me and now I craved our physical connection, I wanted the fear to go away, I wanted to fear of what we could lose to go away … I wanted to lose myself in him.

_So, I decided why put off today what would be coming tomorrow anyway?_ _This_ _is __the__ second chance … Derek was right, it was the only one we were ever gonna get_.

"Kiss me, Derek, tempt the karma Gods, because I want you … I want us and I don't want to waste this chance, _this night or any other night_," I said breathlessly as Derek ducked his head down and smiled.

Without another word he closed the small distance between us, grabbing my face in his hands, he sucked on my bottom lip with his teeth. I turned to face him so my knee was pressed into the corner of the seat cushion near his hip and my foot rested near his other hip bone like a jackknife. I ran my other leg against his hip and rested it in between his lower back and the chair. He paused for a moment and smoothed away my hair.

"_God, I can't believe you're here with me,"_ he said quickly, and that was all it took, my core was ignited.

"Derek," I heard myself call into the darkened room.

He grabbed my skull and moved my head down so he could kiss me hard, he moaned into my mouth and I felt the vibration as it made a small zing deep within my core. I longed to taste him and as if reading my mind, Derek dipped his sinful tongue into my depths and I sank further into bliss. _His mouth covered mine and he kissed life into me, suddenly I could feel everything again, I was truly alive_. I deepened our kiss and captured just his tongue in between my lips and sucked on it, _hard_.

_I moaned into his mouth as he pulled my sweater out of my jeans and placed his warm hands on my bare flesh at the small of my back. The heat from his hands warmed my entire body from the outside in. He pressed tiny kisses, little wet nips to my neck and chest, any amount of bare skin was ripe for the taking. I thrust my hands deep into his hair and grabbed his skull to anchor myself._

_It was bliss, his mouth on me after all this time, it was bliss, my mind was blank, my body hummed to the rhythm he set forth. I felt pliant, completely out of control, like he was the conductor and I was the collection of instruments laid out in front of him. I felt his hands move up my back, I took his face in my hands again and regained control over our kiss as his nimble fingers unclasped my bra. My breasts fell free and Derek wasted no time running his hands up my ribs to his prize._

"Fuck, Meredith, I can't get enough of you," he said thickly, running his thumbs over my nipples. They turned rock hard from his feather-like touch, my core was humming and my orgasm started building in a furious crescendo.

"Derek, don't stop, please," I pleaded with him, but I knew in the back of my head we would need to stop before too long, we needed to stop before we crossed that line we so desperately wanted to avoid, _for now_. He released my breasts; I kissed him hard, _hard like my life depended on it_. I raised myself up and straddled him; he lowered himself on the chair ever so slightly.

"What am I gonna to do with you?" he panted, dirty in his eyes.

_I leaned forward, my hands on either side of his head, he looked so beautiful and at peace in the pale light from the streetlamp outside, so relaxed and so at home with our intimacy. Tears pricked my eyes and I blinked them away. I could feel his erection through his jeans and mine … God, I wanted his cock so badly. Derek began to undo the small buttons at the vee of my sweater, panting into my neck while I kissed his neck, chin, face … any bare skin I could press my lips on was fair game. I sucked on his earlobes and he thrust his hips up to meet my sopping wet seam. _

_He reached into my sweater and found my breasts, caressing them, he tested their weight. He ran the pads of his thumbs across my nipples again and rolled them in between his fingers, I felt a shot pierce my clit and without warning Derek pulled me to him and I felt it: his beautiful tongue graze across my hardened peaks and I swear to God my walls went wild on first contact, systemically clenching down, searching for his rock hard cock, oh God, if only, if only ... if only!_

_His luscious locks tickled my neck as I shook with uncontrolled pleasure and grinded my hips down onto his hard denim-clad cock. I snaked one arm out of my sweater and let it fall away from my body. I let myself get lost in the waves of my orgasm while Derek lapped and nipped and sucked my nipples until they were ripe, engorged with blood and begging for more attention._

"Meredith," he husked.

"Derek, I'm soaking wet for you," I breathed and held onto his scalp.

"Meredith, let it go for me," he said, his voice warbled from passion.

_Without missing a beat, he bit down ever so slightly on my nipple and rapidly flicked it with his tongue and I all but melted inside, he did it again to my other nipple and my body was lost in a quake of mini orgasms … delicious aftershocks … my body held no definition … I was melting … I was wasted … wasted in the pure sensational bliss of the only lover I had ever known._

"I'm on fire for you, Derek, I want to cum with you … I want you so badly…,"

"Meredith," he breathed. "We have to stop, before it's too late, _damn I want you so badly, I want to get lost in you, I want to milk you dry_," he panted, gingerly kissing each of my nipples again, relentlessly groaning with pleasure …kissing and swirling his tongue around and around until_ … I finally slipped under._

"_I don't want to put them away_," he laughed breathlessly forcing himself to stop; I hugged him for dear life, trying to hold onto the moment.

"We're committed, we could just keep going, I want you," I pleaded desperately into his neck, kissing him there.

"No," he breathed. "No regrets, we can wait, _it's a matter of weeks_," he said in between kisses. He raised my head and kissed me once more, darting his tongue into my depths. I felt his heartbeat start to slowdown to a more normal rate. I felt my heart relax as it began to slowdown to match his rhythm … _we were perfectly in sync, winding down from the high together._

"You won't leave yet, will you?" I asked cautiously after several minutes, because now I knew … I knew for certain I didn't want him to leave, _tonight or any other night_. I also knew, even if I tried to deny it – _I knew I deeply loved Derek Shepherd and there was no one else I wanted to come home to_ – _ever again_.

"No, how about I run a bath for you and you actually get to enjoy it this time," he said softly, interrupting my raging mind.

"Will you tuck me in too," I asked sheepishly, I wanted him to stay so badly.

"Yes, Meredith, I will," he laughed and I smiled.

"Will you do something else for me too?" I asked.

"Dare me to say _'no'_," he chuckled, his blissful face relaxed with his joke.

"Call me when you get home," I whispered my request.

"But then I'll wake you," he answered the obvious.

"I don't care, please promise me you will, after everything with Finn, I'll need to know," I pleaded with him.

"I will," he said and hugged me tighter.

I saw his eyes close with bliss. I closed mine too and said a small prayer for our future; for now the thought of living without Derek was truly unfathomable and I even told him so, which meant it was even more of a reality … _a reality that meant I loved him … with my whole once-broken heart … I really loved him_.

"Derek?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm falling in love with you all over again," I whispered into the quiet dark room, and as I did, _I swear I felt his heart skip a full beat on my words._

"Thank God," he whispered, sucking on my earlobe, his hot breath heated my core again with one simple kiss. He ducked his face down to find my lips and he pumped them … _once, twice, soft … quick, kind of like a habit, like we'd do it every day for the rest of our lives._

And as I sat there, safely nestled in the arms of the man I loved, I knew there was no turning back. I knew if today was any indication – _that it wouldn't be rosy one-hundred percent of the time_ – Iknew life wouldn't be perfect … but it would be damn close to it.

_Over time we would grow and learn from each other._

_Over time we would nurture and care for each other._

_Over time … all in due time …we would do our best to always come home safely to each other. _

**Chapter 9 to follow.**


	18. Chapter 9, A Thousand Years, Part 1 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: If you are reading, please let me know what you think. Thank you. There's just something about Sting and his voice and his persona … he's amazing and his song "A Thousand Years" was the inspiration behind this four-parter. Like I've said, this story gets a lot of views and only draws a few comments. Maybe try a PM if you aren't comfortable making a public comment. **

**Chapter 9 – A Thousand Years**

Lyrics for Sting's "A Thousand Years":

A thousand years, a thousand more,  
A thousand times a million doors to eternity  
I may have lived a thousand lives, a thousand times  
An endless turning stairway climbs  
To a tower of souls  
If it takes another thousand years, a thousand wars,  
The towers rise to numberless floors in space  
I could shed another million tears, a million breaths,  
A million names but only one truth to face

A million roads, a million fears  
A million suns, ten million years of uncertainty  
I could speak a million lies, a million songs,  
A million rights, a million wrongs in this balance of time  
But if there was a single truth, a single light  
A single thought, a singular touch of grace  
Then following this single point, this single flame,  
The single haunted memory of your face

I still love you  
I still want you  
A thousand times the mysteries unfold themselves  
Like galaxies in my head

I may be numberless, I may be innocent  
I may know many things, I may be ignorant  
Or I could ride with kings and conquer many lands  
Or win this world at cards and let it slip my hands  
I could be cannon food, destroyed a thousand times  
Reborn as fortunes child to judge another's crimes  
Or wear this pilgrims cloak, or be a common thief  
I've kept this single faith, I have but one belief

I still love you  
I still want you  
A thousand times the mysteries unfold themselves  
Like galaxies in my head  
On and on the mysteries unwind themselves  
Eternities still unsaid  
'til you love me

**Chapter 9 – A Thousand Years – Part 1 of 4**

"_How in the hell do you let a patient get that far off your watch?" he chastised me._

_"I turned my back for a second!" I tried to rationalize with him._

_"He was in the damned gallery!" he shouted, my stomach flipped upside down from his tone._

_"He's a surgical intern at Mercy West...," I said in defense …but in defense of what?_

_"I don't care if he's the Surgeon General! In this hospital, he's a patient with a head injury who needs a CT! In this hospital; he's a scared guy who does not need to see the massive internal injuries of the woman he rammed with his car! This is your fault. You had him and you lost him!" _

As I sat here, I couldn't help but wonder … who exactly did I lose just then?

I lay down on one of the unmade gurneys in the basement; the small windows gave off just enough of the early evening light to keep me from sleeping. My body had that lighter than air feeling again, like I was floating, except my nerve-endings were taught with fear and anxiety for all that had happened and all that would be coming, so relaxing was near impossible. I couldn't stop replaying our argument over and over again – _the tone of Derek's fed-up voice_ – it made me cringe behind my ears, it took me right back to my childhood with my mother … there never was any room for error in the Grey household.

"_I make a mistake and people die, Meredith! You'll understand one day … one day you'll understand responsibility and why I can't stop everything and play these childish games with you!"_

It was always the same speech, _of course there were different versions and different tones_, but the message was always the same in the end_. _After a while_ –_ when I was a little older and perhaps a little wiser – I just stopped asking her to pay attention to me … I conceded and made it easier for her, I just stopped being that unwanted distraction that took her away from her work.

_You had him and you lost him!_

And now I fully understood her angst and I had to laugh because she would never know how much I could relate to her at this precise moment in my life … it finally happened, I got it. My mind wandered to the scenario again, it could have been me or Alex or Cristina or George or Izzie – _any one of us could have been responsible for what went on here today_ – only it wasn't one from our pack, it was Marshall Stone's turn this time.

_You had him and you lost him!_

Everything reeked of death, and even though there was only one life lost – _it was huge,_ _catastrophic_ – not only because of Melanie Reynolds' injuries, but because she was everyone's patient. My heart clenched. One day she was here and pregnant and happier than happy and the next day … _she ceased to exist._ My heart sank with that thought. _Accidents … accidents happen_. We all know this, but why do they have to be so heartbreaking sometimes, why is the result so appalling?

_You had him and you lost him!_

I think I felt just how much Melanie was going be missed when Marshall apologized to her father, Big Jim. My heart broke for both men. For Marshall because lets face it; he'll carry this with him for the rest of his life. And for Big Jim, because he really loved his daughter, it made me sad that he would never be able to see her be a mother to his grandchild. My own father wouldn't know if I fell off the face of this earth, _not that he's totally to blame for that,_ but it doesn't change the fact that it's true … maybe it's time I do something about that.

_You had him and you lost him!_

I'm trapped with trying to make sense of it all, meaningless death and tragedy caused by a surgical intern – _one of our own_ – where was the justice? We've all done it, countless times, we've all been reckless ... but would this accident finally wake us up to the grave responsibilities of our chosen profession? Would a lesson from my mother finally resonate and make sense to me? _Accidents do happen_ … would I always remember my promise to Derek to come home safely every night? And of course, there was the bigger question … _would he?_

_You had him and you lost him!_

Dusk was upon us now, I could feel it my bones … another day of my internship was almost over ... thank God there would soon be an end to this horrific day. I would live to see tomorrow – _with or without Derek by my side_ – I would, for I had done it before. I had survived it once already and I could do it again. It was just his tone of voice; I couldn't get it out of my head. _Would he still love me after this? Would he still want me after today?_ He was so angry and disappointed – _and he should have been_ – if it was Bailey who made the discovery, there would have been hell to pay. It was just his tone, it just surprised me … surprised and scared me enough to make me hide and avoid. Old habits die hard, I guess.

_You had him and you lost him!_

I closed my eyes and relaxed again into the meager gurney and waited … waited for my fate. In this moment I wanted nothing more than to lose myself in Derek, I wanted this pit in my stomach to dissipate. I wanted his healing hands to rub away all my pain and worry, for it felt like a million years had passed since Derek held me in his arms last night. I desperately wanted him to tell me I wasn't the worst intern in the history of the world, that I wasn't an embarrassment to my mother or worse, _him_. I wanted him to tell me that he still loved me – _dare I say unconditionally_ – despite the mistakes I made today. But in truth, I had no idea what to expect from him and that worried me even more.

_You had him and you lost him!_

Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, I heard faint footsteps … yes, footsteps getting closer now. _I pulled myself out of my drowning psyche_, damn, I needed more time to think, replay … I needed more time alone. Whoever was coming was probably one of us, I needn't worry, Derek would never think to come down here for me.

_The footsteps were even closer now … I wondered who was coming …_

_I held my breath … what would be our fate? _

_I closed my eyes …_ _tight, tighter, tighter_ _… _

_I was so scared he was gonna stop what we barely started … would Derek still love me after today? _

_The footsteps were imminent now …I wondered again who was coming …_

_Minutes went by and I lay still like a still-life._

_Just one move and I would have to start dealing with reality again._

_I forced myself to focus on my breathing._

_I placed my hand over my heart muscle …_

_I felt the hummingbirds pounding against my chest cavity, bang, bang, bang … _

_The soft footsteps stopped and whoever it was sat down on the gurney next to mine. _

_I craved one more moment alone … just one more moment to bask in Derek's warm embrace before I had to open my eyes._

**Chapter 9 – A Thousand Years – Part 2 of 4 to follow.**


	19. Chapter 9, A Thousand Years, Part 2 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: If you are reading, please let me know what you think. Thank you!**

**Chapter 9 – A Thousand Years – Part 2 of 4 **

_I craved one more moment alone … just one more moment to bask in Derek's warm embrace before I had to open my eyes._

"Meredith?" I heard a deep familiar voice after a couple of minutes.

"Alex," I breathed, still unwilling to open my eyes.

"Sorry if I woke you up," he said simply.

"You didn't, I'm hiding," I offered.

"That makes two of us," he snorted and I decided to open my eyes.

The day was done. I peered into the window above me, my ghostly reflection stared back at me … the darkened sky was a consoling relief. "I'm off for the night, but I can't bring myself to leave … _what's happened to me_? I don't want to leave by myself and be alone," I confessed softly. I blinked hard, keeping my hand over my heart – _I so badly did not want to be alone tonight with tragic death on my mind_ – nights alone were still the worst.

_Melanie was alive and then she wasn't …her baby is motherless …Liz was here with Finn and then she wasn't ... I was here and then I almost wasn't. _

The pit in my stomach rolled and then I knew I needed to face my fears and make it right with Derek before I stepped outside this hospital because … _accidents happen. _Suddenly, recognition of what Alex said about hiding a minute ago interrupted my spinning thoughts and it hit me like a dart on a bull's eye. I sat up to face him, crossing my legs Indian style. I put my elbows on my knees and studied him; he kept his eyes trained on the wall in front of us.

"Why are you hiding?" I asked quietly.

Alex snorted. "Meredith, seriously, you wanna talk about this?"

"Yeah, I do," I shrugged. "You saved that baby, that's all _anyone's_ talking about," I said quietly without judgment.

And then he turned to me. And maybe it was the long shadows cast from the dim fluorescent lights – _the way they diffused his usually strong and handsome features_ – or maybe it was the hint of sadness in his eyes, whatever it was … it made him look broken, crestfallen … _there was no mistaking it,_ _he was crushed a thousand times over_.

"Yeah well, all I can think about is that her mother is dead. Come on Meredith, we both grew up without mothers, it's gonna be hell for her," he sighed and shook his head. "_She's innocent, she's_ _new …_ _she had no right to this life__ and now she's no different than __us__!_" he exclaimed desperately. I sighed heavily because Alex was right, we held the same childhood worries in our hearts.

"Yeah, but we didn't have fathers around either. I think … I think she's gonna be fine – _she has people Alex_ – people who _love her_, which is a hell of a lot more than we had," I argued, for he had to see this differently, he had to or he was never going to survive in the long run, not in this job anyway.

He turned to me. "C'mon, you _really_ think that's gonna make a difference?" he stood up and walked into the deep recesses of the hallway, disappearing into the safety of the darkness there. And I just sat there and waited for him to reappear, _because I knew, when he did_, he was going to blow.

He walked out of the shadow and turned to me, his face full of anger and resentment. "Her father lost his wife Meredith! _His fucking wife!_" he boomed. "She was twenty-two years old Meredith! Too fucking young to die! And that guy, her husband and her parents, they're never gonna be the same people they were when they woke up this morning!" he clenched his teeth, veins rapidly pulsing in his neck. "They're all broken, _they'll never fully come back from this!_" he shouted. I sat there and took it, let him scream his anger out, as scared as I was, it was all I could do because nothing I could say at this precise moment would mute his pain.

"And I did it …," he said quietly after a minute. "I delivered her into this mess," he heaved, his angry face contorted with pain and sadness and frustration.

_And then I felt my composure slipping away … I trembled inside from his pain, my heart crumbled for him, for me, for this baby – my chest clenched around my heart – but I would never let him see it. Never, for he needed me too much._

I stood up and walked over to where he was standing. I entered his personal space and put my hand on his forearm and brought him back over to the gurneys. We sat down together, so close our arms and thighs were touching, his body was raging with heat, _a million times warmer than mine_.

"Alex, you need clarity, you did what you had to do, _ethically, medically,_ you saved that baby when no one else was barely thinking about it, you should feel damn proud of yourself," I said breathlessly, he snorted in reply but I just ignored him because I had no choice but to make him hear me now. "And you know what, Melanie's parents and her husband, yeah – _they're in thousands of pieces right now_ – because that woman was their sun and moon and everything in between, but can you just imagine for one moment that the baby you saved … the baby you delivered into this broken world, _might someday heal their wounds and step into her mother's shoes and save them all_?" I asked desperately. He turned to look at me and I blinked away my waiting tears. "Because Alex, if you can't, _if you can't have a speck of hope for that_, then why are we doing this? Why the fuck are we here?" I pleaded for answers. He made no move to argue with me, he just sat there instead and eventually he placed his hot arm across my shoulders.

"I don't know, I want to believe all that good shit and be full of promise and all that, but Meredith – _I know what it's like to have the cards stacked against you and it just sucks_ – I can't see through that most of the time, I would never want it for a baby … never," he said slowly.

We sat for several minutes, my mind was racing with everything I wanted to say, _but I couldn't find a coherent path_, everything was jumbled, there was just too much that needed to be said, too much for this conversation … too much for this night.

"It does suck, but Alex, at some point you're gonna have to start looking up and expecting more from yourself and the families you touch and those people who touch you," I said with my mind on Derek. "Because if you don't, you're always going to be that _scared, alienated, ignored, and resented_ kid you were when you were young," I sighed, thinking about my mother. "And you've overcome so much Alex, you have a lot to be proud of, I'm _– I'm sure Izzie's proud of you_ – so am I …_ you did good_," I said and my heart raced, a fleeting image of Dylan in a flak jacket zoomed in and out of my head as I used his words.

Alex snickered. "Izzie thinks I should call Addison, she keeps going on and on about it," he shook his head. I smiled.

"Don't laugh … so do I," I said seriously.

"You?"

"Yeah me," I said directly. "Look, the woman may have broken Derek and torn me apart, but she's a damn good doctor and for whatever reason she thought you had it, an eye for it …," I choked on my choice of words. "_I can't say it, 'cause you're bound to beat me up for it_ … but you know, for her specialty," I smiled at my joke and he chuckled.

"Yeah, well, all those times she screeched at me, she reamed me out all the time, I fucking hated her and her service, she was a miserable bitch most of the time …," he snorted.

"Well, you can blame _that _on all the bad sex," I snickered and he looked at me, his eyes wide with amusement.

"_Shepherd's bad in bed?_" he asked incredulously and my cheeks turned pink. "Wow, I would have never guessed," he chuckled. "_So were you faking it then_, back when he used to sneak into your house, 'cause –"

I slapped his thigh. "Not with _me _you idiot! No he's amazing with me … _we're amazing together_, he's the best I've ever –"

"Stop," Alex held up his hand in protest. "Just stop, I can't okay, you're like a sister now … I can't go there, not with that. The sex talk, _it's over_, off limits for us –" he said with a smirk.

"Well, amen to that," I kidded and we both laughed.

"Yeah, maybe I'll call '_Satan's Whore'_, or whatever you guys like to call her," he chuckled. "Maybe all of her screeching paid off, _I could tell her all the bad sex was worth it_ …," we laughed. "Because, I don't know, I could hear her barking orders in my head – _call it adrenaline or whatever, but I was on auto-pilot_ – with a little help I knew exactly what I needed to do to deliver that baby and for the first time ever, I felt like I belonged in that room," he said, somewhat in awe of himself.

"You should call her," I said again and I really hoped he would.

"Yeah … _so are you hiding because you lost Marshall Stone or because Shepherd screamed at you about losing him_?" he asked quickly, nudging me with his elbow.

"Both," I said because there was nothing else to say.

"Hmm … well, you're gonna have to talk to him eventually," Alex offered.

"I know, it's just complicated, it's not just messing up on the job when you're … well, you know, it's not like we're together or anything so –"

"Not yet, but Meredith, this isn't gonna be the first time or the last time something like this might happen and trust me this isn't gonna be the worst mistake you'll ever make – _we're all bound to kill someone at some point or another_ – especially with our pack, we're accident-prone, so you just have to deal with it," he said.

"I know, but what do I say – '_hey so I really fucked up at work today, do you want to go get a drink and make out?_' – something like that, because right now at this moment, I feel like it's over and we haven't even started dating again," I expelled my fears.

"Meredith, have you _seen_ the way that man looks at you?" he asked, surely trying to make me feel better.

"Hmm … yeah," I sighed.

"Well, then just own up to the mistake and move on, _look he may be your boss here, but outside this place, you're on equal footing,_" he said rationally, and that's why I love this guy.

"Yeah, I'm just scared, this is big Alex, really big and now I've been avoiding so he's going to even more pissed than he was to start with," I sighed with worry.

My pager buzzed on my hip and without even looking I knew it would be Derek. My heart rate started its steady climb. "Speak of the devil," I snorted and snapped my pager from my waistband.

_Derek had already paged me once and left a voicemail, both of which I shamelessly ignored. He was gonna be so pissed at me, but I just couldn't bring myself to face him, not yet. Fear weighed heavily in my heart, which burned with anticipation of his words. I brought the pager up to my eyes to read the text._

"So, what did he say," Alex asked. I showed him the LCD.

**D. Shepherd. Neuro-Head:** _so,_ _where are you? _

I knew I needed to just get this over with, face my fears, so I reluctantly typed my reply.

**M. Grey. Surg. Intern:** _hiding in the basement w/ alex_

"What did you say?" Alex asked.

"I told him we were hiding down here," I said.

"Great, now you bring _me_ into this?" he asked, teasing of course.

The pager buzzed and I peered down to the LCD, holding it low against the light. Alex looked over my shoulder with me.

**D. Shepherd. Neuro-Head: **_you have nothing to hide from, neither does karev_

My heart raced, I quickly typed my reply.

**M. Grey. Surg. Intern: **_i don't?_

Alex snorted in sync, "I don't?"

**D. Shepherd. Neuro-Head:**_ no. now stop avoiding me and meet me, please_

"What should I say?" I asked Alex.

"Do I look like a chick, Grey?" Alex retorted.

"No, but you're here so you're all I have at the moment," I teased.

"Okay, tell him to meet you in the lobby in a half-hour, that'll buy you some time," he suggested quickly.

"Good thinking," I said and typed my reply.

**M. Grey. Surg. Intern: **_ok, lobby, half-hour_

**D. Shepherd. Neuro-Head: **_i'll be there_

"So, are we good?" I asked Alex as I snapped the pager to my waistband again.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go call Izzie," he said simply.

"How are things with you guys anyway?" I asked as we started to head to the stairs.

"Good, better than Cristina has it with Burke, I guess," Alex snickered. I smiled, it seemed the cutthroat competition between Cristina and Alex would never wane.

"What do you mean?" I asked with a giggle.

"Well, Izzie would never fall asleep during sex ... _not with me anyway_," he chided.

I snorted. "Why 'cause you're a _strong, viral, horse of a man?_" I laughed.

"Something like that, what's it to you, '_Little Miss Porny_'?" he said, matching me step for step as we made it to the second floor.

"Well, I'm not getting any at the moment and I … you know what, _I __am__ horny_, so what's it to –"

Alex jogged up a couple of steps. "Meredith, you're seriously telling me you and Shepherd aren't going at it yet?"

"He's still married Alex! And you know what, _before you even go there_, you said no talking about sex, so there!" I exclaimed as we passed through the fourth floor stairwell exit.

"I did say that didn't I?" he laughed as we stopped just outside the door. I sighed. "Well, I'm gonna check on the baby and then go, call Izzie and go," he said more quietly.

"Yeah and I'm, you know … I'm gonna go," I said simply.

"_Meredith, are you okay_? There's a lot going on, I know, but maybe if you go meet Shepherd you'll feel better. He's not gonna yell, he'll be happy to see you," he said.

"You think?" I asked, backing up slightly.

"I know, now go," he said and turned away.

I watched Alex walk down the hallway. He looked better, good even. I think he was right about Derek too, I was hoping he was going to be happy to see me, because after the day I had all I really wanted to do was get lost in his capable arms. But then there was the masochist in me too … _the masochist who couldn't help but ask_ _what if he didn't want to get lost in my arms, then what would I do?_

**Chapter 9 – A Thousand Years – Part 3 of 4 to follow.**


	20. Chapter 9, A Thousand Years, Part 3 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: If you are reading, please let me know what you think. Thank you!**

**Chapter 9 – A Thousand Years – Part 3 of 4 **

I sat in the main lobby of the hospital about a half-hour later. Derek had yet to show, but I knew he would. I looked at my watch for the millionth time since I got down here five minutes ago. I just wanted to see his face and assess the damage.

After Alex and I left each other I made a quick run to Marshall's room and was happy to see he was resting comfortably. He was very solemn, but that was to be expected and I suggested a Psych consult, maybe some grief counseling. He was open to that so I made an order for the consult and went to change. As I moved through those mundane tasks of closing out my day, my mind steadily hummed with the fright I held in my heart. The nervous knots in my stomach were multiplying and became more tightly wound with each passing tick of the clock. Without even realizing it I managed to take a quick shower, pull myself together and get down to the lobby. My hair was still wet and my favorite lavender Henley was wrinkled, but hey, _I was here and second chances still hung in the air_, so I was ready for whatever was in the cards for me.

I looked down at my watch, another two minutes had passed, _that's it?_ It felt like an eternity. I sighed once more and looked up and that's when I saw him. He was at the top of the stairs, still looking for me._ My heart raced inside my chest._ He was wearing jeans and pinstripe button down; he had his jacket draped over his arm and his briefcase in the other hand. He looked how he did on any particular evening after a long day here, like nothing was different and I sure hoped that was true. He smiled softly when he noticed me and I returned his smile with one of my own. His eyes looked happy, which was a good sign.

_As he floated further down the stairs I found myself standing. I took a couple of steps in his direction and then a couple more, I couldn't seem to stop myself … it was like an invisible fishing line was reeling me into him ... like a pulley in my heart that wouldn't impede until our bodies touched. _

_He jogged down the last couple of steps and was face to face with me in about two seconds. I searched his eyes with mine, but he didn't say anything. He stepped an inch closer and that magical bubble came down around us and I felt safe and warm. I stared at his beautiful face as I was lulled by the sound of his soft breathing. His glistening blue eyes darted around mine though and I felt a rush of anxiety fill my body._

"Hi," I muttered softly, because one of us had to say something.

Still no answer, he looked directly into my eyes then, he shook his head ever so slightly and pressed his lips together and for the life of me I couldn't figure out what he was doing, he just sighed. Maybe he was waiting for me to apologize.

"Derek, I'm sorry about today, for losing Marshall, for arguing with you, you were right," I rambled on.

"Hmm," he sighed.

"Well, I know it was stupid, I was preoccupied with Melanie and the … _her baby, their accident, her injuries_, I know it was careless. I'm a realist, I know I messed up and I'm sorry if I disappointed you," I stumbled through my words.

_Derek didn't say anything. He reached out and rested his warm hand on my forearm and just stood there with me until my eyes slowly glossed over and he became a blurry blob in front of my face. One blink and my cheeks would be drenched. I just stood there staring at him because it was all crashing down on me – the heavy weight of the day – my mistakes, Marshall's mistakes, Alex's save, Melanie's death, Big Jim's loss of his beloved daughter._

"I'm sorry too," he said softly. And as if on command, a small tear escaped from my eye and traveled down my face into my neck. Derek reached up and pressed it away with his fingers.

"You are?" I asked in shock.

He smiled weakly and inched even closer, his hot breath tickled my neck, his eyes moved around the lobby. "Not here," he said into my ear as he slipped his jacket on.

_With that he took my elbow and led me quickly out of the hospital, through the electronic doors and into the damp night air. My heart raced at the sound of his voice replaying in my head, the air felt cool, crisp … it assaulted me. He led me around the tight corner of the courtyard and swung me around to face him._

"Kiss me," he breathed.

"What, Derek? Kiss you, kiss you … what," I said, I was so confused, but he dropped his bag and took my face in his hands.

"I've been … I've been replaying our argument in my head, trying to figure out if I was too harsh, I raised my voice to you … and it felt like shit," he sighed. "I've been replaying my words over and over and since you didn't answer my pages … ah well, you know Meredith we're both gonna make mistakes, _here and at home_, but I really yelled … and I can't get my tone out of my head, and I figured you couldn't either …_ so you were avoiding me …_ _which was …_ _were you Meredith, hiding from me?_" he asked breathlessly.

I didn't answer at first. I was stuck in the moment, _watching him want me, watching him need me, _it was all so surreal. "Yes, I was, I didn't want you to end this thing before we even start it," I said truthfully.

"So kiss me," he smiled. "Because Meredith if you kiss me, _then I'll know_ _and you'll feel that I want you_ …_and_ _I'll know if we're okay…_ _we'll know we're fine_," he smiled. "Because us being fine is the only thing I am coming home too, after a day like today – _you're all I want – _and I was harsh and this accident was harsh and Melanie's death was tragic and I'm so sorry, but I just want to know Meredith, if we're fine, _even though I was an ass_, so please will you … kiss me?" he cocked his head to the side and smiled at me with his whole face.

I sighed and cracked a small smile, _he really wanted me, he wanted me to make him feel better_, I reached up and smoothed his wild hair from his forehead and he reflexively leaned into my touch. "Did you practice all that?" I asked playfully.

"Yes, with and without raking my hands through my hair," we laughed. "So, can we?" he asked quietly as he stepped closer to me. He placed his thumb and pointer finger on my chin and titled my head up, I looked him square in the eyes. "Can we kiss and make up?" he asked softly.

"_Yes_, _but only if you_ _kiss me back Derek, kiss it better …_," I said as I took his rough warm face in my hands and pressed my lips to his without taking another breath.

And with that simple touch, I felt the storm that had been brewing throughout my body all afternoon ebb and recede into the calm waters with one simple touch of his lips. _It was true; Derek could truly kiss it better for me, all of my worries evaporated on first contact._

He wasted no time in pulling me tight into him, deepening our kiss. His arms felt solid and strong and I was lost immediately in our brand of intimacy, our momentum. _For me, there was no sensation on earth that matched kissing Derek, none. _What he did to me with his mouth and tongue was indescribable. He grabbed my skull to wield control over our passion and I gladly relinquished the last of my wits.

"I'm sorry for yelling so loud," he said breathlessly in between kisses.

Derek walked me backwards and gently wedged me between him and the hospital wall. Once there, he pressed himself against me, his hand traveled down from my neck to my breasts and I could feel my nipples respond to his touch through the thin fabric of my sweater. I was hot, my skin was prickly and warm and aroused. I felt his erection press against my hip bone, I moaned in response. I tugged on the waistband of his jeans; I so badly wanted to run my fingers up and down his velvety hard cock. _I sucked in a deep breath at the mere thought of how much I wanted him inside me_.

"I'm sorry for avoiding," I said in response, my voice raspy with unearthed emotion. Derek ducked his head down and opened his mouth to say something, but I would allow for it, I was too hungry for him.

I ran my fingers along his swollen lips and tugged on his bottom lip with my pointer finger opening his mouth just enough, he snaked his tongue out in anticipation of what was to come … _I lunged up into his mouth and lapped his tongue with just the tip of my tongue, up and down, up and down, like a kitty cat at a bowl of milk,_ his tongue tasted smooth and wet and fat and delicious and I only wished he was ravishing my entire body with it. I kissed him hard and then did it again, _I swirled and darted and lapped at his tongue_ several times in rapid succession until he moaned deeply and decided to seize mine entirely with his lips to suck on it, _hard_.

"Keep that up Meredith and we'll be at the point of no return," he kissed me wildly, darting his tongue into my depths. "Right here, right now, I'll pump you full of me, don't bet me I won't," he said thickly and my heart leapt into my throat.

I could only respond by kissing him again, fully and completely his mouth, neck, chin, earlobes. He moved his cold hands underneath my sweater and gently pushed passed my bra to caress my breasts. My nipples crystallized instinctually and I sucked in a deep breath only wishing we were naked and warm and tangled up with each other. He smoothed down my bra and dropped his hands. He held onto me for dear life, I snaked my hands low around his back under his jacket, his body was hot with need.

"I know, I know, right here, right now, next week, next year, I want you inside of me so badly," I said and he kissed me again as I slowed my tempo.

Derek pulled me to him and we clung together for a long moment, his heart raced against my ear and sounded like a thousand charging bulls, _whump, whump, whump,_ louder and stronger than ever. His heartbeat was healthy, we healed each other, worries faded away … the storm of emotions were absorbed by our connection. _In those stolen moments we healed each other, soul to soul, if only I could explain it – what goes on between the two of us – I would._

"I want more time with you tonight, more than just taking you home," he said, his lusty voice broke through my passion-induced haze. He kissed my forehead and I kissed the underside of his neck, he shivered.

"More time, more time would be good," I agreed into his chest, for I knew I would have a hard time leaving him tonight.

Derek leaned down and captured my lips with his, pumping_, once, twice,_ I darted my tongue into his mouth one last time and he groaned in response, _there was no way I was ever gonna grow tired of my need for Derek … or for us._

"Where to?" I asked when we pulled away, his sexy eyes boring into mine.

"I just saw Karev before," he said breathlessly. "He mumbled something to me about you needing cupcakes and told me about this dive coffee shop with late night music and ah, well, _really good cupcakes_," he smiled slightly and cocked his head.

"Izzie likes those cupcakes," I said with a knowing smile. "Alex turned her on to that place, yeah, cupcakes sound good," I added and kissed him once more on the mouth.

Derek leaned down and grabbed our bags. He laced his long, strong fingers through mine and we made our way to his car without looking back.

**Chapter 9 – A Thousand Years – Part 4 of 4 to follow.**


	21. Chapter 9, A Thousand Years, Part 4 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: If you are reading, please let me know what you think. Thank you to ****MerDerSoInLove**** for your thoughtfulness, it really meant a lot to me!**

**Chapter 9 – A Thousand Years – Part 4 of 4 **

Derek and I sat in this nameless pit of a coffee shop together and it was all so _domestic_, it felt like a date, so freaking weird … even though all I secretly wanted was to tear his clothing off and have my way with him … right here … in public … and no, I'm not kidding.

We each had some coffee and Derek ordered an assortment of cupcakes, a dozen to be exact. He said that it seemed like a "dozen-cupcake-kind-of-day" when he came back to the table with his loot. We cut several of them into fourths and had a taste-testing of our own and I gotta say, Izzie, she knows her cupcakes because every single bite was perfection.

The place was nearly empty, dimly lit; a small jazz trio played some music in the far corner, which added a nighttime feel to what would otherwise be a plain and simple dive coffee shop. The furniture was worn and comfortable. Derek and I sat on a loveseat together towards the back interior of the shop and we had a decent view of the entire place from our vantage point. He draped his warm arm around my shoulders and kissed my temple. I looked up and smiled. This was the perfect end to an otherwise horrific day, I sighed.

"Meredith?" he said softly.

"Yeah," I said taking a small sip of coffee.

"Why was Alex hiding with you?" he asked.

"Oh, well, it was a long day," I stuttered.

I thought this might happen from time to time, if I got into a relationship with Derek, I was just unsure if telling him about Alex's concerns would break some kind of moral code or allegiance I have to Alex or any of my other intern-friends. I mean, Derek is our boss and he's my _whatever he is_ and Alex is my friend, my peer, my confidant. How fair would it be for me to tell Derek about Alex's insecurities, would it make him see Alex differently, would it unfairly level the playing field or give me a home team advantage or something?

"Meredith, you don't have to tell me. I was just curious, he seemed pretty deflated earlier, _for the guy with the only save of the day_, I just presumed he would have been happier," he said.

"It's complicated," I offered.

"How so? _I'm just worried about you, I'm just looking for clarity_," he said with haste.

I decided I could divulge some of what went on, if only to get Derek's perspective on my advice to Alex. I sighed before I began.

"Alex, well he … _he had a childhood a lot like mine, he was a damage case too_," I said softly, remembering my friend's predicament. "And he, he feels really badly about delivering Melanie's baby into a broken home, one like … _you know like I grew up in_," I sighed heavily.

"Okay, okay, I get it," Derek said evenly. He squeezed my shoulders and I lay my head down on his collarbone. "What did you tell him?" he asked curiously, kissing the top of my head.

"I told him that he did what he should have done, both medically and ethically, that it seemed like Melanie was the family's nucleus and that one day, _maybe the baby he saved will save them all_ … they're all so broken now, it's just pretty hard for Alex to see through that," I said softly.

"The thing is Derek, I had no idea what to say, I mean, I have no idea what it feels like to be someone like Melanie, _loved unconditionally_, the center of the family, um … you know important or needed," I said as evenly as I could, I really hated talking about my screwed up childhood. "I just assumed if people can love one person like that … well, then, they could certainly love another like that," I sighed, he squeezed me into him. "_Well, you know what,_ _all I really cared about was making Alex feel better, so it seemed like a valid stance to take_, _what do you think_?" I said with haste attempting to deflect the attention away from me.

"That was … it was good advice, plausible, very likely," Derek rambled, pulling me closer to him.

"I told him that at least the baby will have a father, sure he's messed up now, _but she'll have people Derek_, which is a lot more than Alex had or I had …_ it's just a lot more than we had and he needs to remember that_," I said with haste and I swore I felt Derek stifle a deep guttural sigh.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah, I am, I just …well, I never told you this," he said and an instant fear coursed through my body, secrets, I hated secrets now, I tried to still my heart before he spoke again, but it was no use, heat flushed my cheeks as I held on to him tightly to brace myself for what was to come.

"But, well, I guess I'm a damage case too in a way, _I also grew up without a father_," he confessed and I sat up and turned into his lap, surely with my mouth hung open in shock, his worried eyes scanned mine. I was speechless, stuck, stymied as I rewound his words in my mind and played them again.

"You … you did, did he leave you?" I asked.

"Nope, he died. When I was very young," he offered, suddenly stoic. I reached out and caressed the side of his rough face with my hand; he laced his fingers through mine and brought our hands to our laps.

"But you're so … _normal_ … _how_?" I asked sounding a bit idiotic. He chuckled at my comment, I smiled encouragingly.

"The difference I guess is mothers, at least I can assume, I have a mother who paid attention to me, who didn't treat me with indifference… I was smothered by my sisters … I had people and I'm … I'm so sorry, Meredith," his voice cracked. _"I'm so sorry you didn't_," he said seriously, he looked broken-hearted.

I leaned forward and hugged him; _his warm embrace sheltered me from all the ugly in my life_, and for the first time I felt like Derek really "got me". I hugged him even tighter with that thought because we connected on an entirely different level, a new layer had been added to our history, both together and apart from each other … _for Derek was fatherless and so was I_.

"You had a terrible childhood," he said sadly.

"I did," I agreed.

"I'm sorry," he said, _and he then kissed it better._

"Me too, I'm sorry about your dad," I said, _and then I kissed it better._

We sat there for several minutes holding each other and I really wished we were alone. Not just for the obvious reasons, but because now more than ever, I craved intimacy with Derek. I wanted to get lost in him in triplicate: _mind, body and spirit._

"So, do you think Alex will be okay?" Derek asked pulling me from my thoughts. "It can be tough, it's a tough job … _you don't know that going in_. Going in, it's all about the cutting, but it can be emotionally draining over time, I'm not gonna lie, it only gets tougher," he said reflectively.

"Yeah, I'm sure he'll be fine eventually. I suggested he call Addison actually," I looked up to Derek with my mention of her name and he smiled. "I thought, maybe she would be proud of him and, I um, I don't know … what do you think?" I asked.

"I beat you to it," he smirked.

I moved out of his embrace and turned to face him, "You did? How?" I asked with a smirk of my own.

"I spoke to her earlier tonight and I mentioned the case to her, the circumstances, she worked hard on Karev, you know? She's gonna call him and now I'm glad I said something to her … it might help," he said casually, but my mind was racing ahead to the finish line and beyond. Derek smiled knowing I would want more information about their conversation.

"Anyway," he laughed. "She called me about some ancient futon sofa and one last thing before she signed the papers … the papers will be in the courts tomorrow," he said brightly and then I just smiled and so did he. "Come here," he ordered softly as he pulled me just close enough to kiss me, _soft and quick_.

When we pulled away, I swear he looked different. _He looked like Derek_. I mean, he always looked like Derek … _but __this__ Derek_, _this Derek I hadn't seen since the week I met him,_ _this_ _was __my__ Derek … and he was back_. I inched closer once more, his sparkling eyes scanned mine and I kissed him again because I couldn't help myself.

"What was that for?" he asked, _his voice seemed to be stuck in his throat._

"Nothing," I said, _my heart raced._

"I'll do nothing more often then I guess," he kidded. I reached over and took one last sip of my coffee and relaxed back into his arms, I could feel Derek's hot breath fan my skull when he exhaled. I rested my cheek on his chest and looked around the coffee shop again, feeling safe in his warm embrace. After today and then tonight, having him here with me, _after testing the endurance of our chain_, well … I wondered how I was ever going to be alone again and I smiled because I've been a loner all my life and now … _not so much_.

"Meredith, your advice was good, it was, but you were wrong about one thing," he said into my hair.

"I was?" I asked, my eyes wide.

"Hmm, you … you are that important, to me you are," he said softly, _his voice cracked around the edges._

"I am?" I turned to him, stunned my skin prickled with heat.

"You are," he smiled through his glassy eyes and I hugged him tight. He sighed, but I could tell there was more on his mind.

"I once told you … _three days after I met you_ …that if anything happened to you …," he sighed slightly. "_I told you that your mother would fly those cowboy surgeons in from Prague to do the job and now I know … I know_," he rambled quickly, he was lost in his words. I pulled back from his embrace and I ran my fingers under his eyes to catch his waiting tears. I smiled through his emotion, encouraging him to continue. "Now I know she won't be able to do that, but Meredith …_ I would_," he smiled and his tears fell upon my thumbs as I held his skull in my hands. "Believe me, I would, because you're just that important to me," he said quietly.

"You really love me," I said more as a statement of fact than a question.

"_Meredith_," he chuckled. "_Yes_," he said and I hugged him tight, for I never wanted to let go. He smoothed down my wild hair with his hands and pulled my skull back and kissed me fully on my lips and all the while my mind was reeling, _I'm important, I'm needed, I'm wanted_.

When he pulled away from our kiss, he smiled so genuinely, so bright and so shiny, that it could have sparked a thousand candles to life._ Instantly, I saw relief and security cover him like a hand-woven blanket and my only thought was to snuggle closer and allow that blanket cover me as well._

***

Hours later I found myself at home in the peaceful quiet of my room … _alone_. Derek promised to call me when he got out to the trailer. I should have asked him to stay the night, for I missed him already. My heart soared at the thought of spending every night together, the divorce is nearly finalized and our dream would become a reality … it was a matter of days … _every night together_.

I sat in my lounge chair and tried to tie up all that had happened today, tried my best to tie it all together and compartmentalize it in my mind. I had done that my entire life and it seemed the logical thing to do. A lot had happened today, a lot that was painful and a lot that was wonderful. It felt an awful lot like the axis of evil, or something. But even with everything tied up and accounted for, I still felt like I was missing something, _something big._ I mean, I was missing something _so big that my life depended on it_ … but I couldn't grasp it, I couldn't pull it from the deep recesses of my crowded brain.

With acute exhaustion on the horizon I simply had to give up and trust the puzzle piece to come to me soon. So I grabbed my cell phone and climbed into the cool sheets of my bed. Derek would be calling soon; he should be almost home by now. I put the phone on vibrate and held it tightly in my hand and waited to hear his voice again. I rolled over and my cheek was assaulted by the cool pillow case. I looked outside my window and let sleep come for me. I was truly exhausted, the day was finally over.

_But without warning, it hit me – the something big – and I felt a tsunami of uneasy energy fill me completely and my blood simultaneously ran cold__._

I stood up immediately and went to my small desk in the corner of my room. I rifled through my mess of a filing system and found what I was looking for – _a copy of my medical power of attorney_ – I ran my fingers over the name I had scribbled with haste on the form the day before my internship started – _Dr. Ellis Grey_. I let my fingers roll across her name again, _back and forth, back and forth_ – _Dr. Ellis Grey_.

_Small tears formed in my eyes and as they thickened, her name became fuzzy around the edges like an old photo, much like her mind was becoming from her disease ... soon she would cease to exist._

Of course I knew at the time she would be no use for me in this capacity. But I had her secret on my conscience and it had been just the two of us for so long, so with without thinking, _I wrote her name in the blank space provided_. I sighed and found myself shaking inside because right at this moment I realized it wasn't about just me anymore. And soon, very soon, I would have to do something about the name on this paper … soon it would have to be changed because for once in my life … _I'm important, I'm needed, and I'm wanted_.

I smoothed the paper out and lay it down on the dresser. I grabbed my cell phone and slipped into my cool sheets again. I closed my eyes before my head hit the pillow and was immediately struck with Derek, my beautiful love and his happy endless blue eyes – _I drifted further into the far off place and I felt like I was floating, hovering_ – my nerve endings snapped and the tension from the day was relieved as I absorbed all that his calming presence had to offer. I felt the cell phone vibrate in my hand and reflexively, I pressed the _send_ button, for sleep already came for me.

"_I'm here," _he said and his voice filled my mind.I sighed with relief, so overcome by exhaustion; I could offer no more than that. "_I'll see you tomorrow, sleep well and stay warm,"_ he said softly. _"I love you Meredith,"_ he said barely above a whisper, the line disconnected and I relaxed my grip on the phone.

And for once, I believed him without question, _he loved me_, and that was enough for now. In time I would feel safe enough to speak those same words to him … but only time would tell _when_ I would be ready. One thing I knew for certain was that this second chance thing was making me whole, in a bunch of ways I never thought possible for someone like me. And when the timing was right for me and for Derek … I would know it and I would feel it in my heart and soul and everything in between. For I knew if I waited and was patient with myself for just a little bit longer, I would love him for a lifetime and never look back.

_Yeah, only time would tell ... just a little bit longer now._

**Chapter 10 to follow.**


	22. Chapter 10, Lover, Part 1 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: If you are reading, please let me know what you think. Thank you very much to ****MerDerSoInLove****, ****McEnglish****, ****Leyy**** and ****snv3**** you are my heros for being nice enough to leave a note for me, it means a lot!!**

**There's not much I can say about this singer/song-writer Devendra Banhart, he's soulful and funky and pretty much reinvents himself all the time. Take a listen on youtube or wherever, I promise you'll be singing along … there was no more perfect song for this chapter which I sincerely hope you enjoy!**

**Chapter 10 – Lover**

Lyrics for Devendra Banhart's "Lover":

Well I-I, I wanna be your lover  
I wanna be your man  
I want you to understand

And I-I, I wanna open your door  
And love you 'til you're sore  
That works for - wait a minute, wait a minute!  
Yeah

I wanna be your thing, your anything your everything oh yeah

And I-I, I wanna fill your cup (cup cup cup)  
Fill it up, fill it up to the brim with love  
That works for - wait a minute, wait a minute!

You'll never have to ask  
I'll give you my sweet grass  
I'm gonna mesmerize your ass  
Just give me my first chance, it's gonna be the last  
I'm gonna make you wanna stay

I-I I wanna be your cow  
Give you all the milk around town  
Let me see, let me see you drink it down  
I-I, I wanna be the pear tree  
I want you to climb all over me  
Try my fruit and taste my seed

Climb right on me, lay it on me  
C-climb right on me, l-lay it on me!

Just let me do my thing  
Until you start to sing  
I'm going down on you all night long  
I'm gonna build a bond  
I'm pullin' out my wand  
Feels so right it can't be wrong!

Yeah!

Well I-I, I wanna be your lover  
I wanna be your man  
I want you to understand

And I-I, I wanna be you lover baby  
I wanna be your girl  
Blow a kiss and change the world, yeah

We're gonna make it through

You got me and I got you  
Your bleedin' heart's at my command  
If you don't love me to  
Then bein' friends will do

Long as you let me in your bed!

**Chapter 10 – Lover – Part 1 of 2**

Cristina, Izzie and I were at Joe's because if there was one thing Cristina needed, it was a drink, and a stiff one. She was still on the outs with Burke for falling asleep on him during sex or before he finished or _whatever._ She had been an absolute pill since then and her incessant bitching and moaning was getting to me, so here we were – _getting drunk_ – because quite frankly I just didn't want to hear about it anymore.

Of course she didn't know what I knew – _that Derek was planning to drag Burke over here tonight too_ – so at least they would be in the same room as each other (_a room without sharp objects_). We thought maybe we could stage a rouse, _get this kiss and make up thing going_, for the good of all mankind, because _something_ had to give.

I mean, seriously, they really were the strangest couple I had been around; sometimes I can't help but wonder if she really loves him. But then again who am I criticize, _I have the world's most perfectly flawed man_ throwing himself at me and I can't even let myself love him all the way, well, not yet anyway.

So here we were, sitting at the end of the bar – _with nothing but booze and peanuts … armed with hope and daggers – _watching as Cristina brazenly glared at Burke while he played a harmless game of darts with Derek. The energy between Cristina and Burke permeated in the bar and there was an air of hostility between them, but I'll be honest, most of it was coming from her. Thank God Izzie was waiting on Alex, otherwise I would have been here … _alone … with her_, while Derek was just across the bar, and he looked so … _damn sexy … and I was so damn horny. So damn horny. Damn that man._

If Izzie wasn't with us, I would have probably ditched Cristina's bitchy ass and dragged Derek home already, but she somehow made Cristina tolerable enough, for now anyway. It was like a battle of good and evil over here – Izzie was bubbling over with mad love for Alex – _like sweet potato pie, when it comes out of the oven and the marshmallows are bubbling and oozing on the top_ – which was great for _Izzie_ and not so great for me … I swear, my teeth hurt from just sitting next to her. And then there was Cristina, _who was in the wrong by the way_, with all of her misguided anger for Burke, I mean she fell asleep! I know we're interns, but something is seriously wrong if you can't stay awake for _sex_! Am I right?

As the moments of torture ticked _on and on and on_ all I could think about was how hot Derek looked and how much I secretly wanted him. I was so screwed, literally and figuratively it wasn't even funny. I loved the sweater he was wearing – _it was one of my favorites_ – just what that simple indigo cashmere sweater did to his eyes, well, I had to admit, the man was gorgeous.

And then as if on cue, he looked directly at me and _my insides were instant oatmeal, complete mush, it only took a second_. He smiled, _casual at first_, but I swear he read my mind. He sat down as Burke stood. I watched as took a sip of his scotch and he swiped his PDA off the table and began to type with a smirk. I grabbed my PDA in anticipation of his message. Cristina snorted in Burke's direction and Izzie laughed big, her smile was genuine.

**D. Shepherd. Neuro-Head:** _i wanna be your lover _

I snickered and typed my reply, hearing his sexy voice in my head.

**M. Grey. Surg. Intern:** _down boy, any day now_

I watched as Derek read my reply and looked up with a flash of mischief in his eyes.

**D. Shepherd. Neuro-Head: **_feels so right it can't be wrong_

I looked up and winked, my cheeks turned pink betraying any amount of self control I had in me.

**M. Grey. Surg. Intern: **_wanna bet?_

I looked around casually waiting for his dirty reply.

**D. Shepherd. Neuro-Head: **_come over here, we'll play for how dirty it'll be, i dare you_

I read Derek's reply and looked him square in the eyes, at this rate we were never gonna make it for another couple of days, _never_. Damn him for being so sexy and hot and sinful! I looked up from my PDA and found Derek looking at me with a small devilish smile. I typed my reply.

**M. Grey. Surg. Intern: **_i'll take that dare,__wait a minute_

He shook his head at my reply and chuckled.

"Let's see what you got here," I heard him say to Burke, keeping one eye trained on me.

"He's picturing my face! He's totally picturing that dart puncturing my skull," Cristina laughed incredulously as Burke tossed a dart at the bull's eye. We watched as Burke flexed a caveman muscle in Derek's direction. _Men!_

"Whoa! Look at that," Cristina said sarcastically as she mocked him, peering over her shoulder.

Derek smirked as he stood up to take his turn. I took a small sip from my drink and popped another peanut in my mouth. I seized the opportunity to admire his perfect ass, just the way his jeans hugged him – _wow, I was so horny_ – what this man did to me … like I've said before, it was indescribable. It was raw, completely untamed and sometimes animalistic the way my body reacted to him without my consent … I would call myself crazy if it wasn't all so true.

"Hmm," Izzie giggled. "Just forgive him already, or let him forgive you or whatever, just do _something_, 'cause this is ridiculous!" she laughed and took a sip from her drink.

"So I fall asleep during sex! _So what_?" Cristina shouted. "_Ass_!" she exhorted in Burke's direction.

"_So what_?" Alex chastised Cristina as he walked behind her.

"Alex! Hey!" Izzie exclaimed, hopping of her barstool to greet him.

"Hi Alex," I smiled, he looked good.

"Who asked _you_?" Cristina greeted him hostilely.

"Hi Izz," he said and I watched as his eyes twinkled under the dim light as he kissed her cheek. She smiled from ear and he took a seat on the other side of her.

"Hey man, what can I get for you?" asked Joe from behind the bar.

"Beer, beer's good, whatever's dark, on tap," he smiled and Joe turned away.

"_Who asked me Yang_? No one, but don't you even want a man's opinion on this?" he snickered.

"If I wanted a man's opinion, _I would ask one_, and I don't see any here, Karev," she said evenly.

"You're loss, you're hopeless, you know that, right?" he retorted and in some ways I had to agree with Alex. I sighed and watched Derek again because Derek was my happy place and for a moment all this garbage with Cristina evaporated, and I let it.

"George!" Izzie exclaimed raising her glass as he approached the bar.

"Hey George," I said happily.

"O'Malley," Alex said noncommittally.

"What's up?" George said. "Hey Joe, can I get a beer?" he called out.

"What's up is that Yang here _hit the snooze button_ when Burke was doin' her and now she's in the doghouse with the cardio-God if you get what I'm saying," Alex nodded, evil in his eyes.

"Alex, drop it, please," Izzie pleaded into his ear.

"_No good surgeries for you, right Yang? That's why you're so pissed off_," he said icily, knowing exactly where to go in for the kill, slowly pouring acid on her wounds without mercy.

"You know what Alex?" she screeched as she shook her head and sneered at him, I swayed my shoulders towards Izzie to watch her go stark raving mad on him. George inched away from her too. Both Derek and Burke had stopped tossing darts. I made eye contact with Derek and he winked at me.

"You're a prick! You're no man … you're just a mediocre surgeon who thinks more with your little prick head than the big fat useless one on your shoulders! I hate you and yeah, _I said little!_" she screamed.

I knew someone needed to say something, but the two of them, this kind of toxic bickering; it was just how they spoke with each other. Most of the time there was no use fighting it, except tonight … tonight I really think Cristina wanted to patch things up with Burke and this argument was going nowhere and fast and would soon derail any chance of reconciliation.

"Call me all the names you want, but at least I'm living Yang, at least I have a life outside that fucking hospital!" he boomed. "At least Izzie here isn't falling asleep on me! We're in it together, _which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for what you're doing_!" he snapped and Cristina glared at him.

We all just sat there for a moment; Izzie began whispering in Alex's ear, probably urging him to leave with her. I took another long sip from my drink as Derek and Burke continued to watch us. I looked up and met George's soft brown eyes. He smiled weakly.

"You know what Cristina," George said evenly as he sat next to her at the bar. "Alex is right, _and I know you don't care what I have to say and I know you probably won't listen_, but he's right," he said without looking at her. "You're not living, you're hiding, you're all about cutting and I get it, but here's the thing," he turned slightly towards her now. "_You fell asleep on the man's dong, and that's just not cool!_" George said loudly. I chuckled and Alex snickered behind me. "I mean, it's just bad for the man's ego, _he's a man_, Cristina, _even if you only see him as Preston Burke_, he's still just a man, so all I'm sayin' is, _have some fucking heart!_" he exclaimed in a harsh whisper.

Cristina just sat there and stewed. She played with a peanut shell in her fingers and never looked up. I shrugged my shoulders at George with wide eyes and I couldn't help but chuckle at his outburst. He smiled and I heard Alex snicker behind me.

"You're George O'Malley?" the woman sitting next to George turned to him, her wild black hair curled around her strong facial features. Her dark surprised eyes scanned his profile.

"Um, yeah," George said and we all watched as he turned away from Cristina.

"_The heart in the elevator guy?_" she asked breathlessly as she gazed at him, her olive skin tone wasn't enough to conceal the pink on her cheeks as she smiled.

"Um, yeah," he said and I can only imagine the weak smile he gave her.

"Callie Torres, Ortho," she said as she held her hand out to his.

"Nice to meet you, so you're over at Grace?" he asked.

With that, I turned my attention back to Cristina. I heard Izzie speak with Alex in a hushed tone and I turned to her to hear what she was saying. "Why do you have to pick fights with her? You're a nice guy, inside you are, _you don't always have to be the bully on the playground_," she nudged him and he smiled.

"I don't know how to be any other way," he said definitively.

"I bet if sex was on the line you would," she teased.

"Oh really, you would withhold sex? You could never, _you really wanna bet?_" he countered and looked over Izzie's head making eye contact with me.

"Sure, but I wasn't talking about _withholding_ sex," she said with knowing smile.

"Really, upping the ante are we, _your bleeding heart's at my command then_," he smirked.

"Well, I have to make it worth your while, I mean, if you're gonna try to be nicer, not such a brooding angry mess," she said and leaned into him flirtatiously.

"Okay, so all I have to do is be nicer and you're gonna –"

Izzie lunged into Alex and said, "I'm gonna to that thing you always want, _you know the thing you want soooo badly_," she said as she kissed him on the mouth.

"Whoa, that?" he laughed.

"Yeah, that," she countered.

"Okay," he said hopping off his bar stool. Hey Joe, can you give us another round?" he called out, Joe nodded.

"C'mon Izz," he said, pulling on her sweater.

"Where are we going?" she laughed.

"Darts woman, we're playing darts, best two out of three, and then we're gonna do that thing I always want you to do," he said with a wicked smile. I watched as Alex dragged Izzie off towards Derek and Burke, while "_horny me"_ just wanted to know what "that thing" was.

With George in a conversation with Callie Torres, that left Cristina sitting next to me, more miserable than I had seen her in a while.

"Cristina, we can go, if you want," I offered.

"No, you know, Bambi is right, so is Alex, _don't ever tell them I said that_, but it's just a lot. Burke. Crap, I can't explain it, but I feel like it's all or nothing with him, no room for halfway. I can't help it, _I feel like a surgeon first, not a woman first_," she sighed.

"Oh, yeah, that," I said simply. "Derek told me what Burke said to you," I said evenly.

"He did?" she asked.

"Hmm and the thing is, I know you idolize my mother, but I grew up with a _surgeon first_ and it sucked," I said directly.

"Meredith, I'm not having children, now or any time soon …,"

"But one day you might, you could have it all, but it takes effort, _I told you weeks ago … you have to want it first, decide you want it and then go from there_," she looked up to me, her dark eyes worried and scared. "Cristina, trust me being only a surgeon won't probably be enough for you, you're gonna want more, _you're gonna have to take some risks outside the OR if you really want to live_," I said, thinking about George and Alex's advice and my burgeoning relationship with Derek.

My heart swelled and I looked away from her and saw Alex and Izzie playing darts together. They were laughing and carrying on like two teenagers playing demonstratively with each other, suddenly they just looked so carefree and youthful. Derek and Burke were seated at a nearby table and Derek peered over his shoulder in our direction and I was struck by his smiling eyes. My heart skipped a beat and I squirmed on my seat, _I wanted to be closer to him, I craved proximity._

I thought about how things had changed for me since the bomb, the incident. I was making progress and seeing things differently, becoming whole, not so scared and then I had a fleeting thought: _I might just be able to have it all one day with a little trust in myself and Derek, it may be in the cards for me, but I'll never get there if I don't take the risk._ By now I knew Derek loved me and I loved him very deeply, but it was a matter of believing in our love and our commitment enough to make it worth the risk. And deep down, I knew it was.

I hopped off of my seat and grabbed my bag and jacket. "I'm going over to be with Derek, come over when you're ready," I suggested, unwilling to give her an out, because deep down, she didn't really want one. I gently squeezed her shoulder.

"Traitor," she scoffed, but I knew she would come around eventually.

I think she really loved Burke but she was scared, and that was okay, for crying out loud, so was I … but for this moment in time being alone and hiding from life just didn't seem like enough …_ because I suddenly wanted to be Derek's love, his lover, his friend … his anything, his everything_.

**Chapter 10 – Lover – Part 2 of 2 to follow.**


	23. Chapter 10, Lover, Part 2 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: If you are reading, please let me know what you think.**

**Chapter 10 – Lover – Part 2 of 2 **

"So, is this seat taken?" I asked coyly as I rounded the corner of Derek's table to an empty chair next to his. Derek looked up from his scotch and smiled and as he did his whole face softened, his eyes twinkled, and my heart melted inside my chest. I nodded to Burke, who seemed to approve of my bravado. I blushed.

"Why, yes it is, Dr. Grey," Derek said with another heart-stopping smile. "But this one isn't," he chuckled as he pulled me into his lap without reservation like a teenage boy.

"Derek!" I yelped as my cheeks heated. I peered at Burke through my lashes with the realization that Derek and I had not yet been physical with each other in public since we decided to do this thing … _again_.

I turned into Derek and smiled sheepishly. "Hi," he said and squeezed me tighter, _only causing the flame on my face to heat to medium_. "I didn't think you were ever going to make it over here," he laughed.

"How could I resist, you dared me to, remember?" I teased and snuggled further into his arms until Dr. Burke caught me peeking at him again.

"Don't be embarrassed on my account, Dr. Grey," he smiled tightly. "I think it's great, your _commitment_ is great," he said, unable to hide his disappointment in his predicament with Cristina. He looked forlorn, but there was something else in his eyes too, _acute sadness_, was the only way I can think to describe it.

"Dr. Burke, can I be frank?" I asked.

"Well," he chuckled slightly. "If you're going to be frank, don't you think you should call me Preston or at a minimum _Burke_," he suggested with a small smile.

"I suppose," I said evenly. "Can I make a suggestion?" I asked softly.

"Shoot," he said.

All the while, Derek's hot breath systematically fanned my neck, warming my whole body. And as he breathed, I nearly forgot what I wanted to say to Burke, my insides were akin to Jell-O pudding, he was driving me nuts without ever laying his hands on me.

"Um, well, Cristina, I know she wants things to work with you, but she's just – trust me, I know it's hard_ – but she's having a hard time letting go of herself a little bit …_," I offered, speaking from my own experience so I didn't feel like it was as much of a betrayal to Cristina. I just wanted her to have more; _I so desperately wanted her to have more out of life than my own mother did._

"But I'm not asking her to lose herself, Meredith," he said, leaning back on the hind legs of his chair. "I'm not asking her to climb all over me," he chuckled. "I'm simply expecting her to be an active participant, _an active partner in this relationship_, surely that isn't too much to ask, is it?" he asked incredulously.

"No, it's not, she just doesn't trust herself to let her guard down, to feel_ – you know that_ – it just seems hard for her, but I know that she's trying, _she just needs time, just give her time_," I pleaded gently.

"Time," he sighed shaking his head, lowering his chair. He took a sip of his drink as he peered over Derek's shoulder to where Cristina sat at the bar alone. "Let her come to me," he said, his tone laden with slight sarcasm.

"I think its best, for her, yes," I said as looked straight into his sad dark eyes.

"That worked for you then … timing … _letting him come to you_?" he challenged.

I smiled and Derek chuckled, "Well timing, timing is what worked for us, finally – _it was all me, after that bomb, I couldn't have stopped myself if I tried_ – so yes, I came to her, I almost lost her," Derek offered truthfully. Burke looked towards the bar again. I peeked over Derek's shoulder to look at my sad friend. I hope she would come around soon.

"_It's almost perfect for us now, right Meredith, our timing?_" Derek whispered for my ears only, the bubble came down and covered us and all the sights and sounds of the bar disappeared, suddenly, it was just us. "_I dare you to tell me it's not,_" he continued his assault on my senses and I felt warm, sensational vibrations run along my entire body, butterflies hummed deep in my belly.

I squirmed in his lap and he threw his head back and laughed like the devil with full knowledge of what he did to me. "_Two days_," I said into his ear. "_Two days and then you're mine … I'm yours, I wanna be your girl_," I said giggling into his neck. His breathing hitched into his throat. God, he smelled so good, so delicious, I wanted him so badly.

"Hey Grey!" Alex shouted, breaking through my naughty thoughts. I looked over to him expectantly.

"You want some of this action? Izzie just had her "practice round," he said sarcastically and Derek and I laughed. "C'mon it'll be fun – _you two porn stars can bet each other on who can hold out the longest_ – you're in the home stretch now, right?" he teased, smiling larger than life.

Burke pushed his chair back and stood. "Well, that's my exit," his voice subdued.

"You sure?" Derek asked.

"Yes, see you tomorrow, Shepherd," Burke said. "Goodnight, Stevens, Karev," he said. "Dr. Grey," he nodded.

"By Dr. Burke," Izzie sung.

As he turned to leave, I suddenly felt very sad as I watched him retreat towards the door into the dark night alone. The bells over the door chimed announcing his lonely departure … _I looked on as Cristina watched him leave her behind_. I felt sad because I had hoped Cristina would have extended some kind of olive branch for Burke grasp, anything to indicate that she was with him in their thing … even if she wasn't ready for the picket fence and two-point-five kids yet. I felt like they might not make it through this and that was gonna be devastating for her on many levels. I sighed and Derek hugged me tighter, perhaps reading my thoughts.

"She'll be fine; she'll figure it out, Meredith. Only she can," Derek encouraged softly.

"I suppose so; she's just so stubborn to her own detriment. _She's gonna lose him_," I said seriously, resting my head on his shoulder.

"Oh," Derek said. "Maybe not," he nudged me and I picked my head up just in time to see Cristina walk towards the door. She glanced in our direction, a small smile playing in her lips as she pulled on the door handle … the bells above the door suddenly sounded more cheerful and not so lonely as she exited the bar … _they seemed to cheer with hope as she left to make amends with her lover_.

I sat nestled in Derek's warm embrace for a moment longer, just to savor it, just to remember all the work it took to get to this moment – _second chances and risk_ – fresh risk was in the air again and with that in mind, I was suddenly ready to play a game of dirty, sexy darts.

"Alright Karev, I'm game," I laughed, hopping off Derek's lap. I held my hand out to him. "So, what's your wager, big fella?" I teased and he laughed with me as I pulled him up from his chair so that we were standing face to face.

"Well," he said as he stepped closer and tucked my hair behind my ear. "_It's not a matter of when_, _is it, Meredith_?" he said in response to Alex's proposed wager. His eyes were delightfully filthy.

"Um, no, it's not, is it?" I asked coyly, taking his free hand in mine and placing it on my hip.

"You could just do it right here," Izzie chimed in from behind us and little did she know … I would! I pressed up against Derek and I felt him take a big breath of our air.

"We could, Dr. Stevens," Derek laughed. "But I'd much rather have Meredith all to myself," he said slyly, unwilling to move his gaze from my hot face.

"_Well, no one is home now_," Izzie said looking around the bar, motioning that George was still in deep conversation with Dr. Torres.

"Yeah, no one's home now, Meredith," Derek taunted me with his best sexy smile. Damn him, I wanted him and he knew how badly too, but I had other things in mind for our inaugural all night sex romp … _I wanted the trailer. And there was no way I was gonna cave. No way._

"Oh, no, no, no," I laughed. "You dared me Derek Shepherd and now you're gonna have to take the risk, _the risk of waiting_, _if it doesn't kill you first_," I laughed and he pulled me even closer.

"So, what's it gonna be? Best two out of three, I win, we do it the minute the divorce is final –"

"Fine," I challenged, ready to state my terms.

"You didn't hear the rest of my wager," he said mischievously, nearly kissing my neck.

"There's more?" I asked with a grin.

"Yeah, I win, we do it the minute it's final, no questions asked, no matter where we are," he smirked and I could tell he was teasing. "Work, your place, my place, in the car, it doesn't matter. The moment I hear from my attorney, you're mine … _here, there, anywhere –_"

"Hold on Dr. Seuss," I said, everyone snickered and I smiled sweetly. "You just want me, want me like dirty want me," I whispered thickly. "Hot and heavy and sweaty, I know how you like it. Full of raw need … _like sex at the prom in an empty classroom?_" I asked challenging him with a wicked smile.

"Something like that," he kidded, licking his lips, but I saw the hint of something softer in his eyes and I knew for certain he was just playing around.

"Well, do you want to know what I want?" I asked softly into his ear, moving my hands to his chest.

"Hmm," he groaned, pressing his lips together.

I reached up to whisper in his ear; his hands instinctually clung to my lower back bringing me flush up against him. "_The trailer, you and me in the trailer_," I said softly.

"Hmm, the trailer sounds perfect," he groaned again and I knew we wouldn't even need to play darts – _for I knew I had already won – _and in more ways than just this one bet_._ "The trailer," he repeated with a sigh as he pulled away, a small question could be read in his eyes.

"I have my reasons," I said softly.

And as I spoke, I thought I saw a flash of recognition cross over his crystal clear blue eyes. _Something told me he knew what I was thinking; that maybe he felt it too, that day, right then._ Yeah, something told me he fully understood my need for the trailer to house us and protect us and keep us safe and warm and completely private.

_Something told me he needed it that way too – sexy game of darts aside – this was happening, and it was big and it was all I ever wanted with him. Yeah, just a little bit longer now … only time would tell how our bets would be lost or won or better yet, how or when we would come together and break even._

**Chapter 11 to follow.**


	24. Chapter 11, Round Here, Part 1 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: If you are reading, please let me know what you think. I am thanking McEnglish in all my Author Notes … I do so appreciate your comment on "Lovers in Japan". Happy New Year.**

**This song, "Round Here" from the Counting Crows, is amazing … it was another perfect fit. If you have the means, find it, listen to it. **

**Chapter 11 – Round Here**

Lyrics for Counting Crows "Round Here":

Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog  
Where no one notices the contrast of white on white  
And in between the moon and you the angels get a better view  
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right  
I walk in the air between the rain through myself and back again  
Where? I don't know  
Maria says she's dying through the door I hear her crying  
Why? I don't know

Round here we always stand up straight  
Round here something radiates

Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand  
She said she'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis  
She walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land  
Just like she's walking on a wire in the circus  
She parks her car outside of my house  
Takes her clothes off  
Says she's close to understanding Jesus  
She knows she's more than just a little misunderstood  
She has trouble acting normal when she's nervous

Round here were carving out our names  
Round here we all look the same  
Round here we talk just like lions  
But we sacrifice like lambs  
Round here she's slipping through my hands

Sleeping children better run like the wind  
Out of the lightning dream  
Mamas little baby better get herself in  
Out of the lightning

She says its only in my head  
She says shhh I know it's only in my head  
But the girl on car in the parking lot says  
man you should try to take a shot  
Can't you see my walls are crumbling?  
Then she looks up at the building and says she's thinking of jumping  
She says she's tired of life she must be tired of something

Round here she's always on my mind  
Round here hey man got lots of time  
Round here were never sent to bed early  
And nobody makes us wait  
Round here we stay up very, very, very, very late  
I can't see nothing, nothing round here  
Catch me if I'm falling

**Chapter 11 – Round Here – Part 1 of 4 **

"_Meredith?_" I heard the familiar hiss of Cristina's voice breaking through my subconscious as I slept in an on-call room. I rolled over in the uncomfortable bed; it creaked and snapped under my movement. I hadn't heard from her last night after she went home to meet Burke, or this morning because she got pulled into an early surgery before I even arrived for my shift. Then we were all pulled into different directions when some guy went postal at a local restaurant and shot up the place _plus_ thirteen of his innocent co-workers. It was a mess – _the loss, palpable_ – a small sequence of angry fragmented moments in time with nothing but meaningless bloodshed and catastrophic consequences to show for it. _Life, what a pisser._

"_Meredith, I did it_," she hissed. Did what? I wondered as I struggled to wake up and wrap my mind around her words. I was just so fatigued; I couldn't seem to open my eyes. "_Meredith, can you hear me?_" she asked persistently.

I opened my eyes then and could see the shadow of her small frame illuminated by the dull light that forced its way into the room from under the heavy door in behind her. She was perched on the edge of the bed like a small bird. "Yeah, sorry, I crashed," I said, my voice cracked and surprised even me.

"_I did it_," she said softly, ruffling her feathers, like she was in a confessional. "_I told Burke the truth, that I'm in love with him_," she said. "_Last night_," she elaborated, her dark, serious eyes scanned mine.

"Wow," I said and a small smile filled my heart and I felt my eyes shine as I looked at my friend, my person, _for it seemed she had grown or flourished overnight._

"_Wow_ is all you can say? I thought you would be gushing with secret feelings or oozing with desire for every detail," she scoffed but turned her body into mine ever so slightly.

"Do you want to tell me every detail?" I asked as I sat up and leaned over to put my shoes on, the cool air assaulted the naked skin on my back from my rising scrub top.

"No, not really," she said seriously.

"You Mclove him," I stated as a matter of fact.

"I Mclove him," she repeated, somewhat mystified by herself I think.

I began to lace my shoes up. "Do you feel different?" I asked curiously selfish. I shivered, thinking about my own feelings for Derek and how I would feel when I got around to telling him myself.

"Nope, _but he does_," she said simply. I stood up and pulled my hair into a ponytail. I grabbed my stuff and we headed out into the bright hallway where life and death often collided and I officially woke up.

"How do you mean?" I asked as we walked towards the Nurses' Station, I clipped my pagers to my waistband.

"Well, I always knew how I felt, I think, _but he didn't_, so it just changed, he's proud of me. I don't think he ever thought I would be able to tell him, maybe he did know all along … _but it's okay, I think. I can't believe I admitted it,_" she rambled on while I stood there and watched her.

"You've been hanging out with me for too long," I teased and she smiled tightly at my joke.

"I've got to motor, see you around here later," she said, but then stopped herself for a second, seeming to do one of those mental checks on herself. "Thanks for last night, for offering to leave when you really wanted to stay," she said seriously and I could tell that was all she was ever gonna say on the subject. Her dark eyes darted around the lobby area one last time. I smiled and I really wanted to hug her. But within seconds she turned on her heel, her auto-pilot setting flipped to the "on" position again and she all but disappeared down the hallway.

I don't know how she did it. In a way I was envious, I wish I could be more clinical, not care so much about everything. But on an entirely different plane, I was desperately trying to be different than my mother, _so being a woman first and a doctor with compassion second was my goal-set, _neither of which could be accomplished on auto-pilot.

I turned from the Nurses' Station and stood in front of the OR board, scanning it for Derek's name. He was not in the OR, so he must have been finished with Kendra's surgery. Her story was heartbreaking and Derek was very concerned about her case, he wasn't sure about it before going in. Last I heard her parents wanted to keep her on life support so her baby could continue to develop _and of course Derek had advised them against that choice_. He argued that they were simply prolonging the inevitable moment when they would come to realize the full impact of their loss. _The crumbling difference between wrong and right had no place in their hearts though_, _only their daughter did._ It was a sad, miserable situation. So, now, where was he? It seemed he wasn't scheduled for anything later in the afternoon. I felt a presence behind me and off to the right, I turned my head and there stood the Chief.

"Dr. Grey," he boomed without looking at me, his eyes scanned the board too.

"Hello Chief," I said.

"How's your mother doing these days," he asked casually, while we were both well aware of her condition, _him_ _just as much as me these days._

"Very few lucid moments," I offered sadly, because as much as I didn't want to deal with it and as much of a crappy mother she was, for someone like the Chief to see her this way – _doctor to doctor, friend to friend_ – it had to be tough.

"I know, I still can't believe it," he said. "Her mind was so … so sharp, so smart, when we were together, ah um, _together as residents_, _she was always the one to beat_," he rambled on, still unable to make eye contact with me, while my mind rallied around his choice of words. _Together._ In some ways I wondered if he often looked at me like that because of what my father told George – _I looked so much like her_ – maybe I was just a painful reminder of my mother to the Chief somehow too.

"Yes, she was, _she was a surgeon first_," I conceded, my voice monotone without feeling, because there was no way around the truth. I barely existed for her. "I'm gonna head down to the pit, see if they need anything, I haven't been paged in a while," I said to extricate myself from the conversation. I smiled curtly and turned away from him.

"Dr. Grey," he said and I turned around to meet his eyes and suddenly he didn't look so big, _he looked a lot like my mother, with her sad lost eyes_.

"_She tried her best with you, you know, I remember. __I was there__,"_ he said with authority. "_I know things were difficult for the both of you,_" he said sincerely.

"Yes, they were," I said truthfully. We stood there for a moment, him looking at the forgotten little girl he knew once a long time ago while I looked up to a man I had known once a long time ago, but had forgotten.

_For me, he was no different than my own father in most ways._ I smiled tightly at my thought, knowing in my heart way down deep that there was more to his relationship with my mother … that they were indeed _together _during their residency. Maybe the Chief was that lost puzzle piece. I looked straight into his eyes then, they seemed softer than I had seen before, he was nothing more than a lost and broken man, _and I knew exactly what that felt like. _He nodded slightly and shifted on his feet. Thankfully, my pager beeped, jumpstarting both of us from our wandering minds.

I looked down. "Nine-one-one from the pit, I better go," I said.

"I'll come with you," he offered with a tight smile and we headed down the hallway. As we entered the stairwell the Chief pulled his cell phone from his pocket. "Webber," he said with authority. "WHAT?" he boomed into his small phone, the sound of his voice ricocheted around the stairwell looking for some point of impact, but never found a suitable one, instead it echoed as we stepped up our speed.

"What is it?" I asked as we jogged down another flight of steps.

"There's been a shooting here! Just outside the ER, just now … there's a man down, one of ours has been wounded," he said breathlessly as we continued to run.

"_WHO?_" I said and it came out like a screech. I instinctually put my hand over my heart as we ran further and further into the depths of chaos.

"Meredith, when we get downstairs, get a head count on your group, Bailey's tied up already," he barked.

"Who was shot?" I asked again, my mind unable to process anything else as we made our way down the last of the steps.

_Derek, I chanted as my feet hit the steps …Derek, Derek, Derek …_

_My heart was in my stomach …_

_My heart was in my throat …_

_My heart made its way out of my mouth and landed in my hands, pulsing, burning, aching …_

_Derek, where was he?_

_Where was he?_

"Did you hear my orders? Get Yang and your group and go! And for Christ's sake, don't ask me again!" he boomed, his voice cracking.

I heard him, but all I could think about was Derek as we stepped through the threshold of the stairwell into the chaos of the ER. Surely he would tell me if it was Derek, not that he knew anything about my _whatever_ with Derek. I scanned the busy room again as I stumbled towards the center of the area, my heart rate spiked when I didn't see him. _He wasn't anywhere; he was only in my head, Derek, Derek, Derek where are you?_

"Where is he?" I said out loud as I frantically scanned the scene again. People were bustling all around and there was this _crazy, nervous energy_ I had never felt within these walls before. I didn't _see_ Derek, I couldn't _find_ Derek. _I was lost_. _I was urgently lost without him._

"Where is he?" I asked a nurse I had never seen before, she just stared at me. My heart was in spasm unable to find its systematic rhythm.

"Where is he?" I said loudly into the bustling room as I turned in circles.

I spotted Alex, "Where is he?" I shouted from across the room. He shrugged and began to look around because he knew exactly who I was looking for.

I spotted Izzie, okay good. Then George in the far off corner, each with their own cases, patients, whatever, but none of it mattered, not until I found Derek. Which was wrong, definitely wrong, I was a doctor and people were in trouble! I was selfish and bad and wrong, but I needed to make sure Derek was okay. _I just found him again and I so desperately did not want to lose him._

"Where is he?" I turned around again, spotting the Chief up ahead. I was getting dizzy in the fog of people, it was all too much, _Derek, where is he?_ I needed to see him, flesh and bone, heart and soul and if I didn't see him in the next minute, I would surely collapse.

I spotted Cristina running up to the Chief and I weaved in and out of the crowd to get to her … to ask her, to get to her. "_Where __is__ he?"_I shouted when I reached her.

My heart was giving out, I was heaving, perspiring with worry, but then she turned to me and I saw it: _the look on her face was pure fear, concentrated fear. She was trembling, collapsing. _

I got to her just in time, just in time to catch her as she was about to fall and as I did, I looked into triage room to my left and I saw Derek. I watched as Bailey asked him a question, her voice rising in an uncontrolled panic, but his eyes still were locked with mine. He blinked. I watched as he was overcome with relief, the same relief I felt covering me. And as I held my friend, my relief became my worst nightmare when I saw Dr. Burke lying on the examination table. He looked unconscious and there was blood all over his chest. My heart sank like an anchor.

"_He's in there!_" I felt Cristina's broken sob pound into my chest like a jackhammer.

I made eye contact with Alex, who came running and Izzie who followed him and we led our friend away from her heartache. George met us and we exited the ER – _bonded together with our frail hearts and frail minds_ – frantically trying to find a clear mental path within all this chaos for what to do next.

Chapter 11 – Round Here – Part 2 of 4 to follow.


	25. Chapter 11, Round Here, Part 2 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thank you to those of you who are reading and enjoying the story enough to let me know!**

**Chapter 11 – Round Here – Part 2 of 4 **

My world spun faster than I could cope with as we escorted Cristina out of the pit and down the small hallway to find an empty on call room. George jogged ahead and opened a door for us. What was I gonna say to her and how would she overcome this if Burke was lost? I didn't even know the extent of his injuries, so what could I do right at this moment to appease her fear and suffering? Doctor to doctor we did this all the time – _talked to each other about our patients, made judgments_ – but woman to woman, how the hell was I gonna handle this?

"Lets sit here, okay?" I asked, moving her to an armchair near the back of the small dimly lit room. Again, I was unsure of exactly what I needed to say and in our short walk over here … Cristina had become stoic, damn near catatonic.

"Alex," I looked up to my friend, who true to form, hung back from the scene in the doorway. "Can you let Bailey know where we are and ask her to send someone with an update?" he nodded in reply and was gone faster than it took me to blink.

"Meredith, I'll go get some stuff, you know, food, blankets, coffee, should I get coffee, coffee would be good right?" Izzie rambled softly.

"Yeah, Izz, okay," I encouraged.

"George, come with me," Izzie suggested lightly, he nodded in my direction and closed the door behind them as they went.

It was quiet, eerily so. The room was darker now, Cristina stared straight ahead and I followed her gaze. I relaxed for a moment and allowed my eyes to travel around the symmetrical outline of the door frame, which was illuminated via the bright hallway lights on the other side of it. I braced myself for her breakdown, for I knew it was coming and I also knew it wouldn't come until we were alone. The last time she lost her shit was after her ectopic pregnancy and that had been no joy to watch. It was hard for her especially. After that day, I realized it was very hard to watch someone who never showed a healthy range of emotions – _physically and mentally_ _breakdown_ – because a person like that, a person like Cristina, doesn't know how to absorb how she feels when things spiral out of control – _which is so crazy_ – because constantly controlling her emotions was how she remained so unattached, so robotic and so in control in the first place.

_So basically, what I'm saying is, this was gonna suck._

I leaned down next to her at the side of the chair. "Cristina, do you need anything, besides an update on Burke?" I asked gently.

_Nothing._ She remained completely still and kept her eyes trained on the door in front of us.

"Cristina, talk to me, tell me what to do," I said gently.

_Nothing. Nothing._ If I didn't know she was breathing, I would have put my hand up to her mouth to make sure. She barely blinked_._

I reached up and put my hand on her shoulder, she flinched slightly from my touch, but I kept my hand firmly there anyway. "Cristina, say something, anything," I pleaded.

_Nothing. Nothing. Nothing._ And I desperately wanted _something, anything;_ I wanted to know what was going on in that brain of hers. I could only imagine the mental acrobatics she was performing and I needed to be in that with her.

"How could you?" she whispered without redirecting her gaze.

"What?" I asked.

"How could you, how dare you," she said in a low growl.

"How could I what? Cristina, tell me, what?" I asked.

"I'm a mess, inside, I'm a mess, if I move from here – _this chair_ – it will be _over_!" she said loudly, breaking through the quiet of the room.

"Okay, lets just find out what we're dealing with here, maybe Burke's injuries are manageable," I said quickly, glad to have her at least talking.

"_Injuries. Game plan. Surgery. Recovery. I have it. I'm on it_," she said dismissively as she stood and paced to the front of the room. _God, she sounded so much like my mother._

"Okay, so –"

"No. Not okay!" she scolded me as she turned to face me, her arms akimbo. "Not okay, because Meredith, I'm a fucking mess on the inside!" she hissed, her wild eyes bore into mine. "How could you suggest it, how could you allow it, for me to tell Burke how I feel about him?" she shouted incredulously.

I stood there for a beat, knowing what I needed to say, but not quite sure how to get it out. "Listen, I know this is hard for you, to accept loss of control, I get it, really I do, but the thing is, _you care_, you care and that's scary, but it's also supposed to be that way," I said evenly from my place against the back side of the wall, _for I could tell sudden movements would not be tolerated._

At that moment, George lightly pushed his way through the door behind Cristina; but I kept my eyes trained on hers because I wanted her to keep talking. I didn't want her to bottle it up.

"Do you get that I want to run away right now!" she heaved. "That if I could, I would bolt! _This isn't me, I'm not this woman, I thought I could be, but I can't!_" she shouted. "_My thing is to try __not__ to care_, _okay, it's just easier that way!_" she insisted harshly.

"_You're serious_?" George exclaimed from his spot in the doorway, he held several packages of hospital-issue blankets in his arms and finally entered the room. Cristina turned around and I could only imagine the scowl on her face. To George's credit, he didn't flinch though.

"George, this has nothing to do with you! So just shut up!" she chastised him.

"Nothing to do with me? You're kidding right?" he asked incredulously.

"You're gonna argue this point with me?" she screeched, but he firmly stood his ground. His messy hair nearly covered his eyes as he scowled at her.

"Look we may not be friends and you may treat me like crap all the time, but Burke needs you, Cristina, seriously, seriously, you're with him right, _because of the man he is right?_" he asked, his voice shaking with emotion. "Because that man, is a good man and he's counting on you to be his girlfriend and support him, even if it scares the shit out of you!" he screeched. He looked over Cristina after a minute and searched my eyes with his. I shrugged, because what else was I gonna do?

"What George? So, it takes Burke getting shot for you to finally grow a pair?" she hollered. "Who makes you the authority on love and relationships? Hello? You've been in love with Meredith since day _one_ and you've never said anything to her because you're such a coward!" she growled, rubbing salt in his wounds.

They both stood glaring at each other for a beat and I would have said something, but this was one ugly fight I was not gonna get involved with.

"First of all, Meredith knows how I feel, but we're friends first," he said evenly. Cristina turned to me, her eyes wide; George smiled slightly in my direction. "And second – _my mom and dad_ –they've been married for forever and a day and I know what it's like to stick with someone because you love that person, they taught me well," he said simply. "_Which is a hell of a lot more than your parents taught you,_" he added posthaste, his voice rising again. "And thirdly, I am so sick and tired of being ignored around here! You and Karev with your smart ass remarks, it's over! So over, so _I'll say it again_, you shouldn't run away from Burke, not when he's on the down low and might actually need _you_ for a change instead of the other way around!" he finally screamed like a child.

All was quiet, from my same spot against the back wall, all I could hear George's raspy breathing and all I could feel was the heat of Cristina's anger and her boiling blood pressure. My heart raced inside my chest, we were losing sight of what was important here, _namely Burke_. I couldn't agree with George more, Burke _was_ one of the good guys, of course I know this first hand because he had saved my ass once already.

Izzie chose this moment to come back with her loot. She pushed on the door and stood behind George, her arms full of snacks and coffee cups. George turned to her and snatched one of the cups of coffee and took a big gulp as if it was something a lot stronger.

"Hey guys, I got some stuff here, whatever I could find …," she trailed off when she realized George and Cristina were at a stalemate of sorts. What's going on?" she asked hesitantly.

"_She wants to run!_" George exclaimed, scolding Cristina like a toddler.

"Run where, from what?" Izzie asked, as she closed the door behind her. She stared at Cristina expectantly.

"I should run! A sane person, a person who values everything she's worked for, _a person who values her own heart_, for God's sake...that person would run, I should run," she rambled to herself, backing away from Izzie and George.

"But you love him, isn't that enough to make you stay?" George asked.

"You don't know Burke like I know him, he's gonna expect me to be there for him, what if he can't be _Burke the surgeon_ anymore, then what …what if? I'm not cut out for that, I know it won't make him less of a man, I get that, I just don't know how to …," she heaved defensively. "_You know what, I'm not discussing this, you don't know him!_" she rambled excitedly. The three of them were silent for a beat.

"I know him. Maybe I don't live with him like you do, but I do know him," Izzie offered softly. "And there's....there's possibility here, between you and Burke, you fuel each other in a really good way. And given the choice of running or staying ... I would stay," she said.

"We don't even know the extent of his injuries yet," I offered as a means to diffuse the argument. She turned to look at me and all I could see was the fear lodged in her dark eyes.

"What if it was Meredith?" Izzie asked pointedly, looking directly at me. Cristina whipped her head around to look at her.

"_What?_" Cristina replied sarcastically. "Well, whatever, it's not!" she said dismissively.

"But if it was, you wouldn't run … you love her like a sister, right? If you love Burke, how is this any different?" she asked, refusing to give up.

"_This is bad. This is bad and serious. It's not fun for me. I don't wanna play, I don't want to be this woman,_" Cristina rambled nervously.

"But you fell in love with him," George challenged.

"What's your point?" Cristina said flatly.

"The point is, we can't help who we fall in love with, and this is happening right now, _to Burke and to you_, and if you're in it, you take the good with the bad," I interjected.

"Yeah," said George.

"Yeah," repeated Izzie.

My phone buzzed against my hip, "It's Alex," I announced as I flipped it open. I listened to him bark into the phone and my blood ran cold because the news wasn't great – _it wasn't catastrophic_ – but it certainly wasn't great, not for a surgeon anyway. I snapped the phone shut, Bailey would be around here in a minute to collect Cristina, Burke was asking for her.

"What the hell is going on?" Cristina demanded.

"They're not sure yet, he's coming out of x-ray now, the bullet could be lodged in the brachial plexus, which is …,"

"Shit," Cristina choked out. "For a surgeon, this could be the kiss of death," she said and for the first time I saw genuine concern cross over her sharp features.

"So, what are you going to do?" George challenged her.

"He's asking for you, Cristina," I said softly, relaying Alex's message.

"What would you do, Meredith, if this was Derek?" she turned me.

"It's hard for me too, you know that," I said softly. "But Derek explained the thing about relationships to me," I paused waiting for her to attack him, but she raised a lone eyebrow instead, I took that as a consent to continue. "He said that relationships were wonderful and horrifying at the same time," I made a small smile. "To me, it's like putting all of your eggs in one basket, which sounds risky, _and that's the horrifying part_, but at the end of the day, there's no one else I want to come home to but Derek, _surgeon or not_, so I would be there with him, stuck like glue," I chuckled at how easy it was for me to admit that. "And I think, _I think you feel the same way about Burke,_" I said with haste. "You do, don't you? Because this won't be the first or the last time things will be rough, this is a just a precursor for the rest of our –"

The door opened and Bailey stepped into the room, she made some quick mental notes and looked each of us in the eyes. Her _Mama Bear_ instinct kicked in and her eyes softened when they landed on Cristina's. I could see her worry for Burke was masked by her instinct to absorb all of our concerns. "Cristina. Burke is asking for you," she said, her voice subdued. Cristina made no move to leave with her.

"Go, Cristina, we'll all be around here if you need us," I encouraged.

Cristina assessed the room one last time and for some reason looked at George for a full beat. She was stuck, I could tell.

"O'Malley, Stevens, head to the pit and see if they need any assistance, I will call you to run labs for Burke once I know more, Grey, Shepherd is asking for you, go find him," she ordered.

"Cristina, I'll take you to Burke's room, c'mon now," Bailey encouraged, taking hold of her elbow as she led her into the hallway. The door closed behind them.

George finally stepped into the room and put the blankets down on the small bed. He sat down and took another sip of the coffee and sighed. Izzie placed her loot, _minus one plastic-wrapped muffin_, down on the table.

"I'm going to find Alex in the pit," she announced. "I'll be around," and with that she departed.

"George, so page me, okay, I'm gonna go find Derek," I said as I walked across the small room.

"Yeah, okay, hey Meredith?" he asked.

"Yeah," I turned around slightly.

"You don't think I was too harsh on her, do you?" he asked, his soft eyes scanned mine, I smiled. True to form, being a bully just wasn't his style.

"No, she needed to hear it, if she wants this with Burke, she's gonna have to take the good with the bad, I'm glad you stood up to her," I offered.

"Yeah, I hope she doesn't blow it," he said as he stood. He swiped a couple of chocolate bars off the table and shrugged. "I'm heading to the pit, you know where to find me," he said as we walked out.

I stood in my same spot just outside the door and watched George lope down the hallway back into the chaos. My mind selfishly wandered to Derek and how he might be feeling, knowing he was going to have to operate on his friend … _probably tonight_. I imagine he felt the same pressures when he operated on the Chief a while back, but I would have never guessed it then, of course I barely knew him, not the real him anyway. I guess I was about to find out, I mused, as I turned to the stairwell and went about my way to find him.

**Chapter 11 – Round Here – Part 3 of 4 to follow.**


	26. Chapter 11, Round Here, Part 3 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading. I appreciate your time and comments!**

**Chapter 11 – Round Here – Part 3 of 4 **

As I walked up the steps to the fourth floor I had one giant hope: _that I would be able to offer Derek some encouragement if he needed it. _I liked to think that's why he wanted to see me, that is wasn't for something surgical, which is hilarious to ponder, the fact that I, Meredith Grey, wanted to be there for something more. As I jogged up the last flight of steps my heart began to beat faster and faster and the energy and inertia of the events of the last hour were somehow propelling me into the future, rather than forcing me into the shell of my former self.

Suddenly, I wanted more from Derek and I wanted to give more to him and this was unchartered territory for me – _to expect more and to give more_ – but for some reason I felt like it was time, time to let go of the old wounds, time to open myself up, even if there was a possibility of being hurt again, for once in my life, I felt like it all might be worth it. It was as if watching Cristina battle her demons of abandonment only strengthened my resolve and desire to fight my own. But truth be told, I had an unnerving feeling of unrest churning in my stomach knowing that there was one unresolved matter I needed to attend to, and quickly. If anything, the events of the day necessitated this change and I would have to deal with it as soon as tomorrow.

I walked through the threshold of the stairwell and headed for the Nurses' Station in hopes of finding Derek when I spotted him enter one of the conference rooms along the outer side of the long hallway up ahead. My heart quickened, I couldn't get look at his face, but his shoulders seemed to be raised and just from his stance I could tell he was carrying the weight of the world on his broad shoulders. I headed down the hallway and was at the doorway in about two seconds. The door to the room was slightly ajar and I was about to lightly tap on it when I heard the Chief's voice.

"_There's never a good place to hide in this hospital," came his somber voice. _

"_I'm trying to get perspective. Everything feels enormous. Like it's all just...I ...I can't get perspective," Derek said just above a whisper._

"_Twenty-five years ago, I had a secret affair with...Ellis Grey. And today, I found out that my wife knew the entire time. There was no ... secret. And she stayed with me," he boldly confessed. _

"_Hmm. Can I ask you if you've thought about telling Meredith?" Derek asked hesitantly._

"_Not until recently, but with her mother's mind working the way it is, she'll find out in no time, and I think she should hear it from me," he said solemnly._

"_That's a wise idea, she's been … you're right she's worried about it,_ _this affair__, I don't think_ _she knows it was you though," Derek said softly._

"_Hmmm … I feel terrible about her childhood, how things must have been for her, how things ended for all of us," the Chief offered sadly. _

"_You should tell her and soon, I'm ah … I'm still in love with Meredith, when the divorce is final … we'll finally be able to be with each other, the timing could work out perfectly if, you know, well and given our past, I'm sure you can appreciate that I don't want your secret on my shoulders … I um,_ _I have enough on my plate at the moment_," _Derek said with haste._

"_I'll talk to her, when the time is right; it's my responsibility to do that, in light of her mother's condition. So, why are you hiding?" the Chief inquired. _

"_Dr. Burke...I...I respect him. He's decent. He's honorable._ _He's an arrogant ass who just hogs the OR but thinks he's God_, _but...he's decent and he's honorable. I respect him. He's one of the foremost cardiothoracic surgeons in the country and I've gotta just ..._ _it's his hand_. _I cannot get perspective. I can't do this. I can't be responsible for it," Derek confessed. _

"_Preston's an honorable and decent man, but, Derek, so are you. You are honorable and decent. And you're too honorable and decent to run …like I did all those years ago," the Chief said sternly. _

As I stood there and listened to their confessions my heart went wild trying to absorb the shock of it all. It was one thing to speculate, but quite another to hear the Chief's confession out loud. That he was with my mother … and he left her … of course, I knew her heart was broken, but from what it sounded like … the Chief was heart-broken too. And Derek, what could I do to allay his reservations? _To help give him_ _the_ _perspective he was looking for?_

It all felt so big, but this is the stuff of relationships, and if I was in it, I was in it. No looking back, second chances and risks still hung in the air. Before I knew what I was doing I pushed the door open and stepped into the doorway. Both men looked up and squinted from the bright fluorescent light that infiltrated their mutual hiding place.

"He's right, you know," I said to Derek softly from my spot.

"Meredith," Derek sighed, smiling with his eyes, his relief over my presence was evident without words.

"How long have you been there?" the Chief wondered to himself aloud.

"Long enough," I said cautiously.

_In that moment, I looked at the Chief, not as my boss, but as the man who my mother loved enough to end her marriage over. And as I did, I saw for the first time, that the way he seemed to always look at me was not because I reminded him of my mother, as much as I reminded him of what he lost or gave up or ran from all those years ago. I turned my gaze to Derek then and realized how blessed I was that he had the fortitude to change his life, his path, his destiny … that he was not running from his love for me ... rather he was embracing it. I smiled._

The Chief stood and walked towards me. "We'll hash all of this out … and soon," he said as he patted my shoulder with one of his large warm hands, his brown eyes scanned mine – _back and forth_ – and then he exited the room, quietly closing the door behind him.

I stood just inside the doorway for a second allowing my eyes to adjust to the dim, filtered light within the small room. Derek stood and I took a couple shorts steps over to him and landed straight in his embrace. I inhaled his familiar scent, allowing myself a moment within his arms to still my racing heart. _I was home in arms. He was safe. He was home in my arms. We were safe._ It was all I could say to myself as I got lost in his arms and in his heartbeat as it thumped wildly into my ear. It felt like I hadn't seen him in years, even though it had just been hours.

He pulled back from our hug first and swept his hands through my hair. "Hi," he smiled widely, his eyes shining albeit the dull light.

"Hi," I choked out. I leaned up and kissed him lightly on his soft lips, pumping _once, twice_, because I just couldn't help myself.

"Come here and sit," he suggested.

We sat down on the couch and Derek just stared at me. I had so much running through my mind – _so much between Burke, Cristina, my mother, the Chief, Derek and my desperate search for him_ – like I said, it was almost too much. Tears suddenly sprung from my eyes, popping over as they went, streaking my face with their residue. Derek sighed and reached over and pulled me to him. I willingly went pliant in his arms and let him hold me, hold me tight.

"Meredith, it's okay, we're all okay … Burke's gonna be fine, _he may not come out of this thing one-hundred percent_, but damn close to it, I just need to do my best, keep it in check, he's at eighty percent now, which isn't good enough," he said trying to soothe both of us with his words, but I couldn't help but think about how brainless he was sometimes.

I pulled back from him and smiled. He wiped my tears away with his thumbs; I leaned over and kissed him. "You know, it's just overwhelming, all of it, what happened with the shooting and all the victims and Cristina and Burke, my mother and the Chief," I chuckled. "But none of that is as overwhelming as the thought of being without you, Derek … that's what put me over the edge today," tears clouded my eyes with my admission and blurred my vision of him, if only for a second before they fell onto my face.

"I was so worried when I heard that gunshot, I needed to see you," he said, his voice raspy.

"It was the same for me," I offered. "I want to talk to you more about that, but you know, I'm bound to get emotional and I know you have Burke's surgery and I want you to be able to focus on that – _get the perspective you need_ – but tonight, even if we don't have that much time before tomorrow, will you stay with me?" I asked softly. "_I have to go home – __I have to__ – I don't have a choice, I have to get something before tomorrow…,_" I stopped myself from rambling. "But if Burke's stable enough, will you? Come and stay with me?" I asked, my cheeks turning pink as I spoke.

"Yes, yes … you're amazing," he chuckled and I blushed even more. "No blushing, you are, after today, there is no place I would rather be, but with you," he said sincerely and I knew he meant it.

Derek leaned forward again and captured my lips with his, instinctually I opened my mouth and deepened our kiss, his tongue darted into my depths and even though we were just kissing my whole body became warm like a smoldering, crackling wild fire that was poised to burn up acres and acres of land ... I simply could not get enough of him. I pulled away and Derek stole my breath one last time with his dark blue impassioned eyes, I smiled and felt like all my problems just washed over me, _his kisses cleansed me and cleaned me and healed me like nothing else._

"So, is there anything I can do?" I said once I found my voice again. "For you, for Burke … anything at all?" I asked, standing up. I offered my hand to him and pulled him to me with one fluid motion, he reflexively wrapped his arms around me.

Derek sighed heavily into my hair, warming me with his breath. "No, other than keeping Cristina in the right frame of mind, Burke's gonna need her, he's speaking with her now. I think … I think he's apprehensive," he sighed. "So am I … he could lose all function in his arm, one small mistake and it would be over for him, as a surgeon …," Derek rambled on, but I took his skull in my hands and he looked down straight into my eyes, his unwavering gaze locked on mine.

"You can do this, Derek," I whispered and brought his lips to mine, kissing him fully. "If anyone can bring Dr. Burke back from almost getting his arm blown off, it's you Derek, you're a genius … don't you already know that?" I kidded lightly.

"Hmm … I guess I forgot," he said with a small unconvincing smile.

"How could you?" I teased. "I mean you changed your whole life just to be with me," I laughed.

"And that makes me a genius?" he smirked, craning his neck down to pump my lips.

"Something like that," I said into his mouth, deepening our kiss – _because what else was I gonna do_ – our proximity was intoxicating and he was there for the taking.

We walked to the door. "Lets see how things are going for Cristina with Burke, he may want to wait, but I think we need to go in and at least see what we are dealing with," he said solemnly. He released my hand from his grasp and kissed me once more, his lips lingering on mine for a split second, before we exited the privacy of our enclave, _together_.

***

Several hours later I waited with Cristina in the scrub room outside Burke's OR. Everything seemed to be going well. So far, Cristina seemed to be fine. She wavered slightly when we finally met up with her in Burke's room, but I kind of forced her to stay in there while Derek and Burke agreed to a course of action.

"Cristina, how are you?" I asked cautiously.

"I don't know, I'm numb, I can't get perspective here," she said with a tiny scoff, still unable to believe this was actually happening.

"You sound like Derek," I said, a small smile playing on my lips. "He said the same thing," I offered.

"Hmm … I know he's good enough, it's just the risks, the complications, whatever, just let it be over and then we can see what we're dealing with," she pleaded quietly, never moving her eyes from the OR.

"_We_?" I asked unable to hide my surprise, smiling again.

"Yeah, we," she breathed.

As I watched the surgery with her, a tidal wave of "_what if's_" crashed over my mind. I so desperately wanted to be in the moment with Cristina, but my thoughts wandered and I couldn't help but wonder what I would feel like in her shoes. Surely I wouldn't be able to breathe, surely I would feel lost, surely I would die a slow miserable death if anything ever happened to Derek.

_Soon enough the depths of my feelings would be revealed to Derek; that I had fallen deeply in love with him again in a maelstrom of circumstances, risks and second chances_ ... our coming together was imminent now, a matter of a day or two at best. But perhaps even more important than the timing was the fact that I wasn't entirely scared of how big those feelings were … that even now, I wouldn't change a thing, not even the vulnerability I felt at this moment and not all that it took to get me here either.

I made a sidelong glance at Cristina, it hardly seemed like she was breathing at all and I thought about how wonderful it would be tonight when I could finally breath again too … alone with Derek in the solace of my room, safe and sound at home. If Cristina was in a good enough place later, there was nothing more I would rather do. I glanced down at my watch, by the time Burke was safely in recovery, we would indeed have just enough time us to talk about today and what I wanted to do tomorrow and unwind, relax and maybe even sleep for a couple of hours too.

I looked up and without warning there was a bustling of activity inside the OR, something was amiss … _that all too familiar busy nervous energy was percolating in the room_. Derek and the Chief looked up at the monitors, Derek barked an order and then I heard the Chief boom with one of his own.

"Can you tell what's going on?" I asked Cristina, trying not to voice my alarm.

"No, I'm going in there," she said strongly as she grabbed a surgical mask from the nearby stack. Her intense eyes darted around mine as she made an attempt to tie the mask around her face. Her hands shaking were slightly and an unraveling worry was etched deep within her typically smooth face.

"No, don't, let them –" I started to speak, but Derek waved in our direction so I quickly grabbed a mask, donned it and both Cristina and I walked into the busy OR.

"Cristina, I have to do a wake-up test, he's coming out of consciousness, I need to test his nerves," Derek spoke to her without taking his eyes off of Burke.

I watched as Cristina followed Derek's instruction and moved closer to Burke's head. I followed her in case she couldn't handle the pressure, just to back her up.

"Okay, Yang? You're up," Derek said.

"Oh ... what do you need me to do?" she asked timidly, a tone I had never heard her use before.

"When he comes to he's going to be disoriented and he's probably gonna fight the intubation. We can't numb the arm because we need him to move his fingers. So, he's gonna be in a lot of pain. We need you to keep him focused, okay?" he instructed.

"Okay. Yeah," she said slightly unsure.

"Ok, let's, let's wake him up," Derek ordered.

"Burke, it's Cristina. I'm sorry. _Wake up. Wake up. Wake up._ Burke. Baby, wake up. Do it for me, open your eyes," Burke opened his eyes at the sound of her voice. "Hi!" she exclaimed softly, her eyes shining as she spoke.

I felt an overwhelming sense of relief, but that quickly diminished when I saw Burke try to fight the intubation.

"Cristina, get in there! Get in his face! Talk to him, Cristina!" Derek instructed forcefully. I saw her hedge and shift on her feet.

"Yang!" the Chief shouted as Cristina remained frozen with fear and insecurity.

Reflexively, I took a step forward and put my hands firmly on her shoulders. "Get in there. Hold him down. Hold him down. Calm him down. Cristina, you can do this, this is Burke," I coached her forcefully. She heaved a sigh and then focused again.

"Burke? Burke, look at me. Look at me. Right here. Listen, listen. _Calm down. Calm down. Calm down._ Listen, there was a complication. Derek can fix it. We need you to move your fingers on your right side. Can you do that? Come on, you can do this," she said loudly, he still tried to fight her, but his eyes were locked on hers, he wouldn't even blink, they were in a zone for sure. "Look at me. Look at me. On your right hand. Okay? I know, I know. It's just you and me," she coached loudly, unwilling to give up. "We can do this. Okay. Come on. Focus. Focus. Now you're going to move your fingers on your right hand. Can you do that? Come on, Burke. You can do it. Move your fingers. Move your fingers. _Come on. Come on. Come on, come on, come on, come on," _she chanted.

I held my breath along with everyone else in the OR. I held my breath for Burke and Cristina and the Chief and Derek because he just had to move those fingers – _for the love of medicine and all of these people I cared about so much_ – he had to. In that moment, I am not sure if I had ever prayed so hard and so intensely with a purpose before in my life. As she chanted her command over and over and over again, all I could do was chant too and then like a ray of hope: _he moved those magical, life-saving fingers, ever so slightly, touching each finger to his thumb_. With that, Cristina turned to me and her waiting tears popped over her eyes and began to soak her surgical mask and I swear I had never seen a more genuine emotion cross over her eyes in all the time I had known her.

I slowly backed away from the table and glanced quickly at Derek, his eyes met mine for a split second, and that was all I needed. It was all I needed in that moment, one brief moment in our bubble was all I needed to quell my fears and calm my heart.

"You did good," I heard Derek say to Cristina.

I was struck by his choice of words, my heart lurched into my throat and – _a fleeting thought of Dylan raced in and out of my head_ – I smiled, would my encounter with him ever stop reminding me about taking risks, going after what I wanted, and taking bold second chances? _I hoped not._

It seemed my new ideals permeated to those around me and that suited me just fine … everyone seemed, stronger, different. George's voice, Izzie and Alex making it work together. Maybe it was them or just my view of things since I began this journey, but whatever it was, I would take it. I sighed with relief, _Cristina did it, she may be scared to death, but she did it … she did good._

**Chapter 11 – Round Here – Part 4 of 4 to follow.**


	27. Chapter 11, Round Here, Part 4 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading. I just re-read this and remembered how much I liked this part, lol. I appreciate your time and comments!**

**Chapter 11 – Round Here – Part 4 of 4**

I reached into my dresser and pulled out a pair of yoga pants and a tee. I let my robe fall to the floor, it pooled at my feet, warming them if only for a moment. I slipped the pants on and then the shirt with haste, fresh goose bumps covered my bare flesh, my nipples turned hard as diamonds within seconds. I ran my hands up and down my arms to melt them away. I leaned down and picked my robe up and hung it on a hook inside my closet. _All was quiet._

It felt so good to be home and safe; the quiet solace of my room rejuvenated me like no other place on earth … _well there was one other place_. But there was something truly wonderful about coming home to familiar boundaries after being faced with serious unknowns for most of the day. Very little in medicine was predictable, so coming home was nice, where everything was in its place and there were very few surprises, at least within the four walls of my room. I heard the water shut off in the bathroom, a gentle reminder that I was not alone. I smiled. Tonight Derek was with me, he was spending the night too, which was monumental. I needed him here with me, not in the carnal sense – _but in the emotional connectivity sense and I think he needed it too_ – a major recharge on the batteries was required for both of us after the day we had.

I was about to slip into the cool sheets of my bed to wait for him when a crazy thought zoomed in and out of my head – _Derek's toothbrush_ – aw crap! I rushed over to the bathroom door and lightly knocked.

"Derek?" I said desperately through the door.

"It's open," I heard him chuckle from the other side.

_I cracked the door open and peered inside and my gaze fell upon him, the object of my dreams and desires and affections. He was standing at the sink, shaving. It was all so domestic and normal, I had to smile. He wore a large towel tied low around his narrow waist. His back muscles glistened with beads of warm humid water. I watched as a droplet of water fell from his raven locks and landed on the back of his shoulder. I followed it with a trained eye as it traveled down and across his back towards his perfectly straight spine and then as it disappeared into the towel near his sure to be taut ass. _

_Hmm, I smiled again, for I knew what was under that towel. I took a deep breath of the humid air and let it fill my lungs, hoping to slowdown my ever-rapid heartbeat, but it was no use, I was a goner._ _Molten cum immediately pooled in my core, draining itself throughout the rest of my body, instantly heating my cheeks as it mercilessly filled any cracks and crevices it could find within my humming body. He was divine, pure and simple._

"Meredith, see something you like?" Derek chuckled, his eyes never leaving his reflection.

"Something like that," I said coyly as I stepped into the warm room and closed the door behind me.

"_Are you okay?_" he asked softly.

"Hmm, oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Great," I said, taking a couple of small steps towards him.

"Cat got your tongue?" he smirked like the devil into the mirror, full well knowing I was eyeing him up and down like he was the last piece of cheesecake on the planet. He gave me a sidelong glance, my heart fluttered. I was suddenly hot, very hot and wet and I wanted to rip that towel off and have my way with him – _divorced or not_ – I was ready!

"Um, no, nope," I said, the heat of the room warming my flesh. _"You can't use the toothbrush that was in your box, you can't … you didn't use it yet did you?"_ I blurted out.

He placed the razor down on the side of the sink and turned to me, a wickedly sexy smile covered his lather-streaked face. Without taking his eyes off of me, he swiped a hand towel from the side rack and rubbed it over his face. His chiseled chest stared back at me, taunting me as he leaned back against the sink. He put the towel down behind him and took a step closer to me.

"What if I did?" he challenged, dirty in his eyes. "Kiss me," he ordered, taking another step closer, his bare chest almost touching my tee shirt clad one, I could feel the heat radiating from his abdomen as he neared.

I smiled. "Challenging me to a duel?" I asked, sheepishly, full well knowing he had yet to use the brush as I spied it in the bottom of the box, unused, or so it seemed, or so I hoped.

"Something like that," he said, reaching up to move a loose piece of hair behind my ear. I grabbed his wrist with my hand. His warm skin felt good against my cooler fingers. I moved his hand down to my hip. He chuckled.

"What did you do with it, my toothbrush?" he asked huskily.

"Did you use it?" I asked, swallowing hard. He pulled me into him, his collarbone dangerously close to my lips. "Because what I did with it was, well, if I kissed you and you had already used it, _it would be a very dirty kiss_," I whispered leaning up into his neck as seductively as I could.

My vaginal walls went wild as he snaked his arm tightly around my lower back, my breasts flattened against his chest. I was going into sensory overload just from proximity – _his familiar scent filled the entire room_ – not just my nostrils but every bit of air wafted carrying his scent further inciting my animalist instincts to kick into overdrive.

"How dirty?" he challenged, grabbing on one of my earlobes with this teeth and sucking hard, wasting no time to snake his tongue into my ear canal. He peppered tiny kisses down the nape of my neck to my collarbone. "Tell me," he ordered, his hot breath fanned my chest.

"Did you use it?" I countered, my resolve weakening, my body pliant in his arms as he pulled me flush up against him, his warm hands covering my ass and lower back.

"No," he said gruffly and I turned my face up to his and kissed him, _hard, soft and everything in between. _He turned and lifted me so I was perched on the edge of the sink; I instinctually wrapped my legs around his waist, never tearing my lips from his. His warm kiss soothed my taut nerve endings and they snapped in response, _slowly, slowly,_ releasing all of the tensions from the day.

_I moaned into his mouth again as he deepened our kiss, he plunged his tongue into my depths and caught my core with his invisible fishing line, reeling me in, tugging at my hair, his strong hands holding my scalp as he kissed me senseless._

I kissed him once more hard and pulled back, panting, gasping for air in the warm humid room. He opened his eyes, his lids heavy with passion. "What on earth did you do with it?" he rasped with a smirk, I moved my hand down to his chest, his bare flesh seared my palm but I left it there anyway. His heart pounded against my hand and I smiled, knowing I was responsible for its wild rhythm.

I smiled and kissed him once more for good measure. "I cleaned the toilet with it," I confessed against his lips. "Twice, maybe three times," I said and kissed him again, he smiled into my mouth.

"You didn't," he said in between kisses, he splayed his hands against my collar bone, resting them on my shoulders, massaging them gently.

"Yeah, I did, you know, it was perfect for those hard to reach places," I added and kissed him fully again, sweeping my tongue over his teeth.

"I deserved it," he said with a smile, his pointer finger tugging on the top of my tee shirt, his knuckles grazed my nipples, they hardened on demand. "I'm just glad I didn't use it," he chuckled, kissing me once more, darting his tongue into my caverns.

"Me too," I laughed. Derek rested his hands on my thighs. "You can take a new one from under the sink," I offered.

"Sounds good," he said, kissing me quickly once more before pulling back, and as he did I was struck by the genuine happiness in his eyes … the color was deeper than I had ever seen them before, _they looked like the ocean at night. _My breath halted in my chest at the mere sight of him.

"I'm gonna go get some cold water, do you … do you want a bottle for the night?" I asked, suddenly shy or something.

"Yeah, sure, I'll be right out," he said and I hopped off the sink ledge and swiftly exited the bathroom.

***

I came upstairs and was happy to confirm that both George and Izzie were not home yet. Izzie and Alex had planned to go out for some much needed booze and George was supposed to go on a date with Callie Torres, but last I heard he was gonna call it off. He mumbled something about swearing off women and focusing on work instead – _which to me sounded like something he should do because he was a smart guy and a really compassionate doctor_ – but his head definitely hadn't been in the game. Seriously, who was I to talk though? I opened the door to my room and closed it quietly behind me.

I padded across the room and put the bottles of water down on my bedside table. I crossed the room to my dresser and picked up my cell phone. I would keep in next to my bed tonight in case Cristina called. I picked up the copy of my medical power of attorney – _the sole reason for my jaunt home tonight_ – I would need to do something about this tomorrow.

I ran my fingers over my mother's name and folded the paper in half and then I just felt sad. The grief washed over me out of nowhere, as if removing her name from this form officially classified her as mentally incapacitated. I stifled a sob and heavy tears clouded my sight, I shrugged my shoulders and cried into my chest, the full impact of the day's events came crashing down around me. Derek, with his impeccable timing, chose this moment to exit the bathroom.

"Meredith?" he asked, rising alarm laced his voice as he swiftly crossed the room.

"I'm okay," I said, unwilling to turn around. He came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. He moved my hair to one side and stroked my neck with his delicate fingers. _The tension ebbed away, slowly receded into nothingness._

"What's this?" he asked, reaching over me to take hold the paper with me, his fingers grazing mine. He kissed my neck. _"Is this why we had to come home?"_ he asked softly.

"Home?" I asked, his aftershave clung to my nostrils, he smelled familiar, soothing, kind of like ... home.

"Yes, as in you and me, home … safe and sound after a day like today, it's supposed to be that way, right?" he asked, insecurity clouding his confidence ever so slightly.

"Yes, we're home," I sighed, reflexively smiling at how nice it all sounded. In that moment, I was going to rip the Band-Aid off and unfold the paper, but this insane energy filled my throat and I couldn't get another movement or word out. _My chest tightened with fear, I never asked anyone for something this big before and I was petrified._

"Come here," he said as he backed me up slightly.

I clutched my cell phone in my fist. He moved across the room to my bed and pulled back the sheets for me. I put the cell phone on my bedside table and got inside, the bed felt cold – _alien _– it added no comfort for me. He turned the bedside lamp off; perhaps knowing it would be easier for me in the dark. I watched his shadowy figure as he made his way around my bed and walked to the other side – _his side_ – and slipped into the sheets. I rolled over to face him and we met in the middle and he held my hands in his.

"Talk," he ordered gently and leaned over, he pressed a small hot kiss to my forehead, calming my nerves.

"I need to ask you something, something really, really big and I've been thinking about it for a few days, well after that thing with Finn's dead wife and then today with Burke," I sniffed, the tears they just wouldn't stop flowing. He wiped my cheeks with his free hand.

"Okay, shh, just ask me," he encouraged.

"But Derek, if I ask you, this is gonna change everything and maybe before you're even ready for it, I just need someone Derek and my mother is no use to me," I cried. "_I need someone I trust unequivocally and Derek, I trust you, if I've confirmed anything, it's that I do trust you_," I looked into his eyes briefly. "I told you before I trust you with my life, I said you wouldn't understand it just yet, but even though I am learning to trust you again – _as a man for me_ – I've trusted you completely with my life for some time now, since the bomb," I rambled while looking down at our hands.

"Meredith, what?" he asked, confusion etched on his face.

"I saw you," I blurted out.

"Okay, when? Meredith?" he encouraged me with his eyes.

"I saw you, before I took the bomb out of Mr. Carlson," I sighed. "I had a vision, Derek … the bomb squad guy, Dylan, he told me to think of someone, think of someone I liked instead of him – _he pressured me, he was strong and vigilant and harsh and it was hard_ – the whole day was coming down to this one moment and I was losing it," I choked out. Derek's eyes began to swell with tears, but I was in it, I had to tell him this secret, this thing that happened to me because it changed everything for me that day.

"It was all so hard, I remember I became weak, and I started talking, rambling about not being around here afterwards," I sobbed slightly.

"Okay, shh, shh," Derek murmured, he moved his hand and rested it on my hip bone.

"But Derek, Dylan was strong and confident and he got in my face and he told me to get through it, do what I needed to do – _see who I needed to see_ – and my God, Derek, I saw you, you saw me through, you said, _'You can do this Meredith'_ and I believed you and I did it, I was scared, but I did it, I took that bomb out of his chest cavity and you were the person I saw," I rambled softly. Derek's wet eyes scanned mine. He inched closer, but still allowed me some space.

"I'm proud of you," he choked out, his smile filled his eyes. "Thank you for seeing me," he said softly.

"So now I have to ask you this thing – _this favor_ – if we're doing this thing together, I have to ask you, because I saw you … I saw you," I cried and Derek pulled me into his arms and I wept into his chest … _I wept for the loss of my mother and for Dylan and for my lost soul that day._ He caressed me back and moved his hands through my messy hair and I felt myself melt into him, this man whom I trusted with my life and beyond.

"What do you need, I would do anything for you … you know that, right?" he asked, raising my chin up with his fingers.

_I stifled a big sob, I pressed into down into the reassesses of my belly and beyond, I had to get this out, my life literally depended on it and after today, I just, I needed it, I needed to take charge of my destiny once again and make a bold choice and Derek was it._

My tears continued to soak through his fresh tee shirt instantly, but I didn't care. "Shh, Meredith, okay, you saw me, you can ask me anything," he soothed but I couldn't stop my mind from working towards my request, for now that I had started – _I needed it out _– because what if, what if this was it, my last chance to do something about this? I began to speak into his chest.

"When the Chief told me there was a shooting and I didn't know where you were, I lost myself in the ER looking for you, I was spinning in circles wondering how I would go on if I lost you … _I was lost_," I looked up at him through my tears and lay my hands on his chest, I could feel his heart muscle, alive and well, but it offered no comfort, the intense rhythm only fueled my need to confess what was in my heart. "I was lost without you and I want you and I just found you, I care about all this other stuff with Burke, but you Derek – _you_ – I can't live without you," I pleaded into his neck.

He pulled me even closer. "Thank God, because I don't want to live without you either," he said in a harsh whisper, his voice cracking under the weight of his meaningful words.

"Okay," the cry in my heart softened on his words. "Okay, then Derek," I leaned up on my elbow and reached up to his chest, I scanned his eyes with mine once more before taking the plunge. "Will you be my person then, will you be my medical power of attorney?" I asked quickly. "I have no one but you, well, you and Cristina – _but I saw you Derek, I choose you _– with my full heart and mind and soul, I choose you Derek," I said softly and I watched as tears formed in his beautiful eyes and they suddenly sparkled in the dim light with, what was it – _joy, relief, exultation, pride_ – all mixed together in one heavy emotion.

"I love you," he answered, before pulling me into his arms. "I love you," he said into my hair. His warm tears dropped on my neck as I finally relaxed into his embrace, _confirming that Derek was right, I was indeed home_. "And yes," he answered. "Yes, yes," he said into my neck and I draped my leg over his thighs and brought him even closer to me.

And even though Derek had said _"I love you"_ several times in the last few weeks, I think in that moment, I actually felt it; with his arms snaked around me, protecting me from the world and my fears and my visions. _He was my buoy, my lifeboat, my safety jacket and in many ways, I was his, for he had already told me I had saved him from drowning once already._

I relaxed into his embrace and let myself meld into his body. I needed him and not just physically, but emotionally too, and therein lies the difference in our relationship this time, we moved to the next level and I could lay here and marvel at how easy it was to get to this moment in time when I would come to realize the full potential of this thing between us, or at least the start of it. I kissed Derek's neck and he squeezed me tighter in response. I took a staggering deep breath of his familiar scent and let it consume me … fill me up … heal and repair me.

"Thank you," I whispered into the dark room, but I quickly realized my salutation fell on deaf ears, _because my love, my person, my medical power of attorney, my lover had fallen asleep at home in the arms of the woman he loved._

I squeezed him tighter to me and lay my head on his chest. I let the sound of his thriving heart lull me into the abyss of sleep, for I had missed _this heartbeat, his heartbeat_ and over time I would learn to rely on it again to lull me to sleep, provide me with peace of mind when doubt would creep into my mind in the middle of the night …_yeah, over time, all in due time, Derek's heartbeat would be my savior once again._

**Chapter 12 to follow. **


	28. Chapter 12, This Year's Love, 1 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: There isn't much I can say about this song from David Gray entitled "****This Year's Love" … it's a lovely, soulful ballad … and I probably listened to it hundreds of times whilst constructing this chapter, so find it and listen if you have the means. And … please … comment. Thanks. **

**Chapter 12 – This Year's Love**

Lyrcis for David Gray's, "This Year's Love":

This year's love had better last  
Heaven knows it's high time  
And I've been waiting on my own too long  
But when you hold me like you do  
It feels so right  
I start to forget  
How my heart gets torn  
When that hurt gets thrown  
Feeling like you can't go on

Turning circles when time again  
It cuts like a knife oh now  
If you love me got to know for sure  
Cos it takes something more this time  
Than sweet sweet lies  
Before I open up my arms and fall  
Losing all control  
Every dream inside my soul  
And when you kiss me  
On that midnight street  
Sweep me off my feet  
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This year's love had better last  
This year's love had better last

So who's to worry  
If our hearts get torn  
When that hurt gets thrown  
Don't you know this life goes on  
And won't you kiss me  
On that midnight street  
Sweep me off my feet  
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This year's love had better last  
This year's love had better last  
This year's love had better last  
This year's love had better last

**Chapter 12 – This Year's Love – Part 1 of 4 **

Morning was upon us, I could tell. I could feel it in my bones, my skin and my capillaries as my eyes slowly reacted with the pre-dawn light seeping through the window. But I was warm, really warm and content and tired and all I wanted was to stay in this moment with Derek … _forever_. I wanted to go back … go back to about sixty seconds ago when I was still deeply asleep and comfortable and dreaming in the arms of my lover.

But morning wouldn't stop coming for me or for us – _today was a big day _– for me, for Derek, for Burke and Cristina … it was big. In the deep recesses of my subconscious, I heard a faint knock coming from the other side of my door, Derek groaned softly in response, but I dare not move.

_I was too happy, I felt like I was floating on puffy white clouds – floating and hovering – looking down upon my bed, imagining myself lost in a deep sea of Derek's arms and legs and waves of restless sheets from our first sleep together. I was so happy and tired and sated I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes and deal with our intruder._

I felt the bed shimmy and shake under Derek's weight and movement as he delicately extricated himself from me, he leaned close to my ear, perhaps just to let me know he was on to me. "I'll get it," he whispered, his hot breath fanned my neck as he kissed my temple, his lips felt like a warm flutter of a butterfly's wings … _ever so slight, ever so delicate, but so very strong and purposeful too._

I listened as he shuffled across the room and heard the familiar _click, click_ of the knob as he opened the door.

"_Morning," Derek said, his voice sleep-filled._

"_Oh, you're here, still or I mean, did you stay here all night, not that you can't do that, well uh …," Izzie halted her ramble._

"_We weren't sure if Meredith was alone," George said softly._

"_Yeah, late night," Derek offered noncommittally._

"_Okay then, we just wanted to check on her, Cristina's been tied up, you know," George said._

"_She's okay guys, she's fine. I'm here. I'm staying now, so, um …," Derek's voice trailed off._

"_So, we'll see you, when you come for work!" Izzie sang, giving them all an "out"._

"_Yeah, see you," George said._

"_Okay then," Derek sighed._

And then the door closed, the latch clicked into place and all was quiet. I thought maybe I was alone again, but then I heard a quick shuffle and felt the bed move ever so slightly. I relaxed as I felt the familiar temperature of Derek's body heat as he lifted the covers and came flush up against me, draping his thigh over my legs, his kneecap resting on my pelvic bone, my heart skipped a beat.

I inhaled a deep breath of our air … Derek smelled so familiar – _like sleep and soap and him, like him and me and us_ – and all of a sudden I remembered just how much I had missed him, how much I missed … this … _our intimacy_. Together in this bed – _morning, noon or night_ – it didn't matter, it never did and soon it would all meld together again like one of my bittersweet, yet sweet dreams, _only this time it would be our reality forevermore_.

"You can wake up now, they're gone," he chuckled, his voice muffled from pressing his mouth into my neck as he burrowed closer to me. I could sense the smile covering his face, but I was still unwilling to open my eyes.

"C'mon, we have to get up anyway," he chided, grabbing my earlobe between his luscious lips as he began to systematically suck and nip. His free hand reflexively finding my breast, his thumb passing over my nipple – _back and forth, back and forth_ – I felt it slowly crystallize on his command through the thin fabric of my tee shirt.

I smiled, I would be dripping wet within minutes if he kept this up. "_Meredith, open your eyes, please_," he pleaded softly as he hovered on top of me, pushing my thighs apart with his knees, I let my legs relax. He situated himself over my body – _his lips falling to my collarbone_ – I raised my neck and wrapped my legs around his waist and smiled.

"Good morning," he said gruffly. "Why don't you want to wake up and be with me?" he pouted, kissing my earlobe.

"Hmm," I giggled and then finally opened my eyes. The room was still dim, early morning shadows danced along the outer walls and ceiling … _pressing new light into the deep corners of my room and my mind._ I sighed. I loved the early morning – _not necessarily waking up_ – but I liked the _quiet, subtle newness_ of it and I liked it even more with Derek pressed against me in all the right places.

"It's silly, my reason," I said truthfully. _Sappy and silly, who was this person I had become?_

Derek raised his head and I met his bright blue gateways. It was curious, despite the day we had yesterday and how very little sleep we had banked … I don't know, he looked so – _blithe, energized, sated_ – he was almost too beautiful, he scanned my eyes with his, shaking his head ever so slightly in amazement. "Hi," he said breathlessly.

"Hi," I sighed, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"What's silly?" he asked, nudging my neck with his nose, burrowing again.

"I was trying to, I don't know … savor it, make it last – _this moment, this morning_ – it's silly, I just wanted to remember how I felt just now, waking up with you, that's all," I said softly, he raised his head to look at me … the kindness in his eyes overpowered me and I felt lost for a minute without really being lost at all. _How on earth did he do that to me?_

"Me too," he said, kissing my check. "Which is why," he said, before kissing my forehead. "I wanted you to wake up," he laughed, before kissing me fully on my mouth. I smiled into his mouth.

I pumped his lips with mine, _once, twice,_ it was certainly a good morning. Derek lay his head down on my chest, I spread my hands into his hair and massaged his skull. I could feel his hot breath on my skin – _which prickled with heat in response_ – he placed his hand on my ribcage, caressing the underside of my breast absentmindedly. He inhaled a deep breath and I kissed him through his messy hair.

"I plan on getting used to this … it can't get much better," Derek sighed, hugging me tighter and I giggled, loud and big. "What?" he chuckled softly.

"Oh, I can think of a way this could be _much_ better," I giggled, pressing the sides of my heels down into his perfect ass.

"Oh really," he challenged, pressing himself into my pelvic bone.

"Hmm," I groaned and Derek raised his head.

"Hmm, I like the way you think … almost there, we've almost made it," he sighed. "But Meredith, I'm serious, nothing could come close to beating this and last night, _I swear_, it was the best night's sleep I've had in … forever," he said sincerely.

"Me too," I said, kissing his neck and squeezing him into me. "Tell me about your day, your schedule," I said.

"Do you want a rundown from _before or after_ the shower I'm gonna take with you?" he teased, rolling over me to his side to spoon me. I snuggled back into him and looked out the window, light morning sun almost upon us now. Derek brought his hand up to my chest and I laced my fingers into his.

"Oh, after, for sure, you can surprise me in the shower," I laughed.

"Well, I'll come in with you, I need to do some post op stuff with Burke and then I was hoping we could talk to Patricia about your paperwork," he said, he squeezed my hand.

"Yeah," I said, thinking about the Chief for a split second and what he might make of this change – _not that it would matter to him or maybe it would_ – it's bittersweet. Derek kissed my shoulder and I snuggled into him again. "And then?" I asked.

"Well, then I was gonna head home and check on Doc, he's been battling it out with the raccoons over his self-feeders … losing on most accounts, I'm afraid," Derek said with a chuckle.

"Poor Doc," I giggled. "Hmm, so will you come back when my shift is over?" I asked hesitantly.

"You bet, I'll want to check on Burke again regardless," Derek said seriously, his voice still solemn.

"Yeah, so, how about that shower you promised me?" I teased, turning into him. I pressed a kiss to his neck, he snaked his arms around me and kissed my head through my hair. I pressed my ear against his chest, _his heartbeat was strong, level, even, regular_.

"I'll go warm the water up, _I know how hot you like it_," he teased. He pulled back and I smiled into his eyes, trying again to sear this morning, this moment into my memory bank. He kissed me and rolled out of bed.

Derek let the bathroom door close all but an inch. I heard the faucet bring the water to life. After several moments, I watched as the steam started to swirl out of the room and marveled at this moment in time and all it took to get here and all I had to look forward to … sure, today was gonna be different, big changes would be made in our lives.

Changes that were monumental for a loner like me, someone who has only ever been orphaned … someone who has only had herself to be her guardian … it was huge, to knowingly welcome this loss of control. But at the end of the day – _I would have a new person, a new someone to count on when times might be tough, someone who would be my advocate and watch out for me and love me and care for me_ – if one day, I wasn't able to care for myself … and that person was undeniably Derek Shepherd.

**Chapter 12 – This Year's Love – Part 2 of 4 to follow.**


	29. Chapter 12, This Year's Love, 2 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks for the comments from the regulars here, you gals give me the courage to keep posting this story. Again if you are too shy, please send a PM or an email to me. It would mean a lot.**

**Chapter 12 – This Year's Love – Part 2 of 4**

Derek and I managed to make it in to work, fully clothed and very clean – _well dirty too_ – clean was a relative term when it came to the two of us in the same shower ... _what a delicious paradox to be lost in._

I smiled. Derek had been in to see Burke first thing and so far we were all relieved his recovery had been uneventful. I was busy all day with post op notes and labs. I had yet to see Cristina and for some reason I found this unnerving, even though Derek said that she seemed on board when he met with Burke earlier. _I had to see her for myself and assess the damage._ She had been pulled into a surgery that should have been about over, so hopefully I would see her soon.

Derek and I had spoken with Patricia about my paperwork and she was arranging for a notary to meet us by the end of the day to square it all away. As I walked down the hallway towards the OR Board, I thought about Cristina … I still was undecided about whether I was going to tell her about my decision to choose Derek for my actual medical "person". And although I had never discussed this thing with her, for obvious reasons I knew this could be a problematic for us. Maybe over time I would tell her – _but certainly not today or anytime soon_ – for she had enough going on at the moment. As I rounded the corner, I spotted her at the Nurses' Station.

"Hi," I said, cautious to how her mood might be.

"Hi," she said unwilling to look up from her paperwork.

"How's Burke, have you been in to see him?" I asked.

"Yes," she said, her voice laced with irritation.

"Okay, I could try harder to make you open up and share and deal with the Burke thing, or I could be neurotic and selfish and talk about me. Which would be more supportive right now?" I asked with a smirk.

She looked up to me then. "Selfish and neurotic, please," she said simply.

"Hmm … well, I'm horny as hell and –"

"_Wait, you and Shepherd haven't done it yet?"_ she asked incredulously.

"Nope, we're waiting, I have this thing, I don't want history to repeat itself," I explained.

"_Whatever_, you're both consenting adults, just do it, go find the man and do it," she scolded.

"Yeah, well, wait until I tell you the latest," I whispered, only after I looked around.

"What, he has _another_ wife stashed away?" she said with a raised brow.

"No, it's my mother, my mother was porny with the Chief," I said shamelessly.

"So your mother finally let the cat out of the bag?" she asked.

"Not exactly, the Chief told me, _well, not me,_ he told Derek and I overheard it, so yeah –" I silenced my ramble.

"Well, that's a little too coincidental, isn't it?" she said – _a wicked half-smile cracked the smooth porcelain veneer of her face_ – her eyes became alive with mischief.

"What do you mean?" I challenged.

"_What I mean is_," she paused to look around the lobby area. "That your mother and the Chief were doing the McNasty at work – _like you and Shepherd_, _like mother like daughter_ – I mean wow, just when I thought your mother was all about the surgery … _she rises, maybe you're more alike than you thought_," she scoffed, shaking her head in amazement.

"Cristina! It's horrifying, _the whole thing_, she left my father for him, but he didn't leave his wife, she was broken and miserable because of him!" I ranted.

"They were consenting adults, Meredith, this isn't your fight," she dismissed me. "I mean c'mon, it's no different that you and Shepherd … just do it already!" she exclaimed in a harsh whisper.

"Cristina, this is different, _we are different_. Derek left Addison, their divorce is imminent, this is totally different!" I admonished her.

"Only slightly different, mostly the same," she said seriously.

"Why can't you give Derek any kind of credit, why can't you? He's moving on … with me, isn't enough that I'm happy with him?" I asked, my heart thumping wildly.

"It should be, but he broke you and I … I don't know, just watch out. Look, you know what? _I don't see you so quick to forgive the Chief for breaking your mother, it's kind of the same thing for me with you and Derek_," she said quickly.

I sighed; she was just looking out for me in her own way.

"Okay, so lets say it's not my fight, he's gonna want to talk to me about it … should I just give him your _consenting adults speech_ and move on – _let him off the hook_ – shouldn't he be held accountable?" I asked.

"_Meredith, I'm sure he holds __himself__ accountable,_" she said seriously. "Look, all I'm saying is there is a lot to be said for being an adult," she said softly. "And most of the time it sucks, you don't know what they were up against, what their circumstances were …," she offered, the fire gone from her eyes again.

I sighed, for I knew she wasn't talking about my mother and the Chief anymore. I felt terrible that she was worried about Burke but unable to come to terms with it or talk about it. I also knew better than to press her.

"Yeah, it does suck, _except for the sex part_, it sucks," I said.

My pager shrieked, startling us both back into reality. I snapped the damn thing off my waistband and peered down.

"It's the Chief," I announced. "This should be fun, so do you have any last minute advice?" I asked.

"Yeah, be an adult, someone around here has to be," she said flatly.

"I'll see you later, thanks for the uplifting talk," I said with a smirk and she scoffed at me. I turned to go back the way I came to deal with the Chief.

***

A half-hour later I was still waiting outside the Chief's office to speak to him. I had just signed the paperwork with the notary, Patricia as my witness ... _it was done._ I was surprised I didn't feel orphaned, for real. _Rather, I felt only loved and somehow at peace._ While I waited, I asked her if the Chief was aware of the pending change in my paperwork and she informed me that he was well aware of the situation. So now I had to wonder, was this summons about my paperwork or his affair with my mother? Both topics made me cringe – _of course not the changes in the paperwork_ – just the idea of discussing my decision with him. My PDA buzzed on my hip again, it was a text message from Derek.

**D. Shepherd. Neuro-Head:** _so,_ _where are you? _

I typed my reply.

**M. Grey. Surg. Intern:** _waiting for the chief_

Derek answered immediately.

**D. Shepherd. Neuro-Head:** _do you need me? _

I smiled.

**M. Grey. Surg. Intern:** _that sounded vaguely dirty, but no, not for this_

I smiled again at his reply.

**D. Shepherd. Neuro-Head:** _i like that you need me, listen, doc's been bitten by a raccoon, I think. I'm taking him over to finn's, can you meet us there? _

My heart raced, with my shift almost over, I could make it. I quickly typed my reply just as the Chief opened his office door.

**M. Grey. Surg. Intern:** _yes, wait for me there_

"Meredith, why don't we talk in here," the Chief suggested from the doorway. I looked up from my PDA and scanned his eyes, he looked sad and worn around the edges, like a much older version of himself. I stood up and without saying a word I followed him into his office. I sat down on one of the armchairs on the other side of his desk. He surprised me by sitting next to me.

"_I heard you wanted to make some serious changes to your end of life care … ah, medical power of attorney documents,"_ he said, wasting no time, a deep sadness etched in his eyes as he scanned mine.

"Yes, you and I both know my mother is no use to me in that capacity, _you also know I have no relationship with my father_," I said a bit more harshly than I intended. My heart pounded inside my chest, my nerve endings quickly filled with blood. _Why couldn't I just let this go?_

"I've known you for a long time. I know your mother and father. And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that your mother –"

"Well, you don't really know me, you know the child I was, the child I was before my home was broken," I sighed, trying to remember that this was not his fault. "I get that it was you – _that you were the reason my parents broke up_ – and it wasn't just an affair," I shook my head. "She really loved you, and I think you loved her too. _It wasn't just this cheap thing where she didn't tell you she was married," _I rambled on and my thoughts volleyed around Derek's secret ... _pain seared my heart as sadness filled me up._ The Chief just watched me, perhaps waiting for me to come unglued so he could fix me and redeem himself.

"It wasn't all a lie. She left her husband for you. But you stayed with your wife because it was the right thing to do. Maybe safe, but she was the right person for you to be with, right?" I asked, but his gaze never wavered. "Nothing wrong with being safe, _being the good guy_, but you gave up a lot, right? And broke the woman you truly loved, right? What? You didn't think your love would last?" I sighed heavily trying to collect myself … _my mother's broken life called for redemption or something – a voice, a stance after all of these years – somehow it felt like my fight, like this was __her__ second chance to make it right._

"But your vows, we are talking about forever here, I get it. I get it, I do. I just want to know if you've ever regretted it – _your decision, your choice_ – was it worth it? Did you ever look back and wonder what could have been?" I challenged.

Well," he sighed. "I may not know you very well, but I do know that you did not deserve what happened to you as a child. _And I'm here now,_ _for you,_ _willing to take the blame for my part in that, for my part in letting you down,_" he sighed, his eyes glistening. _"I regret that – you were innocent in all of this – _I regret that you've been forced to choose someone new for that form," he said sincerely, his sad eyes darted around mine, this was painful for him.

"Me too, you know, she was all I had … until one day she just wasn't. But I need someone, I deserve someone, I know that now," I closed my eyes, those waiting tears spilled out and drenched my face … betraying me against my will. _Damn._

The Chief stood and walked around his desk. He took a box of tissues from the credenza there and held them out to me; I pulled a couple from the box. He sat down again. "Well, for what its worth I think you chose the right someone, _or he finally chose the right someone, you understand what I'm saying,_" he said softly, a fatherly approval seeped into his tone.

"Yes, I do," I sniffled. "I have to go, Derek's waiting for me," I said and as we stood, he reached out and placed his warm large hand on my forearm. Heat radiated there and quelled my racing heart ever so slightly.

"I'm sorry about your mother, that it's come to this," he said solemnly.

"Yeah, me too," I offered.

I left the Chief's office and everything with my mother just dissipated into the foreground, for there was nothing I could do to change that predicament or her condition. _It was done, I made the change and I felt relieved and somehow whole for the first time in a long time._ And now, I had but one thing on my mind and that was Doc … well, Derek and Doc. I raced down to the Interns' Locker Room in hopes of getting out without any further distractions.

I took a quick shower and put some clean clothes on. I grabbed my extra heather gray cable knit sweater from the inside hook in my locker and put that on over my black v-neck shirt. I surveyed myself in the mirror, I didn't look any different – _but everything was different and fresh and new … time was perhaps my own again ... perhaps._ I just couldn't shake the idea out of my head that I actually had _someone._ With that thought, I applied a light coat of lip gloss, grabbed my bag and headed out to meet Derek.

**Chapter 12 – This Year's Love – Part 3 of 4 to follow.**


	30. Chapter 12, This Year's Love, 3 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks for the notes, please continue to let me know what you think!**

**Chapter 12 – This Year's Love – Part 3 of 4**

The evening cloud cover was heavy and a light mist had begun to engulf everything as I pulled up to the veterinary clinic. I raced up the walkway; the fresh, cool air assaulted my skin, waking me up, perhaps to prepare me for what was ahead. I entered the clinic; the bell above the door announced my arrival.

"Hello?" I called out into the dimly lit empty space.

I heard a shuffle from the back hallway and Finn popped his head around the doorjamb. "Meredith, back this way," he said.

"Hi, how is he Finn? Was it a raccoon? Can you tell?" I asked, my heart rhythm stepped up a notch, I scanned his kind eyes.

"From what I can tell from the bites, yes," he said, but he didn't seem overly concerned, which was good. "Follow me, Derek's right back here," he said.

I followed Finn down a small hallway and heard Doc whimper as I entered the room, my gaze met Derek's. I smiled. _There were my guys._ I walked up to Derek and hugged him tight, Doc nudged me with his nose. I turned my head and put my hand on Doc's soft furry head, keeping one arm around Derek's waist. I needed proximity. I craned my neck slightly and spoke to Finn.

"So, what do we do, how do we tell if the raccoon was rabid?" I asked.

"I was just explaining to Derek, Doc's vaccinations are up to date but since we can't test the animal that bit him, we're gonna have to keep Doc here, under isolation for about four weeks to make sure he hasn't been infected. I'll probably be able to discern his exposure sooner, but you can't run the risk," he said, breaking the news to me.

"I'm so sorry, Doc," I said, leaning down to hug him tight. He whinnied in my arms and tears pricked my eyes. Finn had bandaged several wounds and Doc's movements seemed cautious, he barely lifted his head to greet me.

"I'm sorry too," Derek said, laying a hand on Doc's belly. "We can visit him here, Meredith," he encouraged, but I really felt terrible.

"Any time you want and I'll make sure he gets exercise after hours," Finn offered.

"Oh, are you sure?" I asked.

Derek's cell phone rang out and startled us, Doc jumped in reaction to the intrusion. "I have to take this," Derek said, glancing at me for a second before slipping out of the office.

I leaned down and pressed my cheek to Doc's head again. "Oh, Doc," I said into his ear. He felt hot to the touch. "Could he have a fever?" I asked Finn.

"It's quite possible, we'll make sure he wounds don't get infected, I already started a round of antibiotics, I'll monitor his temperature," he said.

"Okay, wow, this is crazy, I feel so terrible," I said.

"Derek said his self-feeders were pretty much annihilated so, I can almost say for certain it was a raccoon, they are very industrious and righteous animals, but Doc put up a good fight," he chuckled.

"Doc used to live with me, well I had him first, I got him from an animal shelter, but my roommates and I, we were never home and Derek, he has all this land, but maybe he … maybe it's not safe for him to be out there by himself all the time," I rambled on, my mind fast-forwarding into the future.

"You'll see, the weeks will go fast and you can come over any time, day or night. I know your schedules fluctuate, we can figure something out," he said kindly.

"Thank you," I smiled, running my fingers over Doc's ears to comfort him. _"How are you?" _I dared myself to ask, spying the photo of Liz I loved so much.

"I'm fine, good actually," he offered noncommittally, but I could see peace in his eyes and for some strange reason I was comforted by the fact that Doc would be with him.

Derek walked back into the room and my eyes caught his. He looked happier, somehow refreshed.

"Everything okay?" I asked.

"Yep, yeah," he smiled. "So, did we make plans?" Derek asked Finn.

"Yeah, we have plans, I'll call you tomorrow and we'll touch base," he nodded. "So come anytime, the door's always open," he smiled genuinely.

"Okay then," I said. I leaned down. "Okay Doc, be a good boy for Dr. Finn, Derek did you bring that one blanket he seems to like?" I asked.

"Yep, sure did," Derek leaned down and scratched Doc behind his ears. Doc barely moved in response.

"I think he's tired," Finn offered. "Why don't you guys take off and I'll talk to one of you tomorrow," he suggested, nodding at Derek.

"Yeah, okay," Derek said, pressing his hand to the small of my back. "Come on Meredith, thanks Finn," he said as we walked down the small hallway and out of the clinic into the damp Seattle night.

We walked down to the street. When we got there, Derek turned to me and I was struck by the life of fire in his eyes. "Hi," he said as he leaned in and that bubble came, the one I love and it encapsulated us and he kissed me _fully, slowly, softly._

"Hi," I said into his mouth, kissing him once more.

"So, am I your special someone? Officially, I mean?" he asked as he pulled back slightly, scanning my eyes with his.

"Yeah, you are," I smiled weakly. Derek smoothed my hair back and held my skull in his hands, his cool fingers moved across my ears.

"Good," he said, before kissing me once more, soft and quick. "Don't worry about Doc, he's gonna be fine," Derek said reading my mind. He moved his hands to my shoulders. "Lets drop your truck at your house, I want to take you somewhere," he said into my hair.

"You do? Where?" I asked, hugging him tighter, not that I really cared, anywhere would be fine, as long as he was with me.

"You're just going to have to trust me," he said as he draped his arm around my shoulders. We walked to the driver side of my truck; he took my keys and unlocked the door, pulling it open for me. I slipped inside.

"See you in a few," I said. He leaned in and kissed me, his eyes twinkling with mischief as he pulled back. A perfectly sexy smirk adorned his handsome face and I melted ever so slightly as he closed the door and I started the truck.

***

We drove in a comfortable silence together after we dropped my truck off. Derek reached over and took my hand in his, lacing his delicate surgeon's fingers through mine. He kept his eyes trained on the road in front of us; _the fog was thick_, visibility now almost nonexistent. The house was still dark when we had arrived there earlier, so I assumed everyone was out and about.

I wondered briefly how Cristina was and whether she was planning to stay at the hospital with Burke tonight. I know if it were me, I would, I don't think I could leave Derek … _not alone at night in a hospital bed. And after today, I had this feeling that Derek wouldn't be able to leave my side either._

I made a mental note about the direction we were headed in; suddenly thankful for the distraction … my mind had begun working on overdrive without my permission. _As I sat there,_ _I tried hard to suppress the images swirling in my head – pictures of my scared mother alone at night at the nursing home –_ _strange fractional snapshots of Burke, Derek, my mother, myself all jumbled together and filled my mind._ _I sighed, my heart heavy with worry. _

I looked outside my window, we were definitely headed somewhere close to the water. We rounded the next corner and to my surprise, Derek pulled into the ferry boat docks. He parked and turned to me, his eyes wild with something untamed. "Come on, lets take a look," he said, before hopping out of the car to come around to my side.

Derek opened the door for me and held his hand out for me to take. I grabbed it and he wrapped his free arm around my shoulders as he closed the door and we began to walk towards the water's edge. _The water was murky and dark and lonely … the wind bellowed across the expansive bay._ I wrapped my fingers around the cool metal railing in front of us and Derek inched behind me, his body heat radiated into my back. He placed his hands on top of mine and rested his chin on my neck, his scent mixed with the salt water and it smelled organic, raw, fresh and completely invigorating.

I swept my gaze back and forth a couple of times and with the mist coming off the bay and the dense fog somehow illuminating the sky, it looked like a scene out of an old black and white film and it was easy to get lost in the moment. As we stood there together, I was struck by the tranquility of it all and I think for the first time I understood Derek's fascination with ferry boats.

_The vessels moved relatively slowly across the choppy water with purpose and fortitude._ _They looked dependable, sturdy, strong – like they could last for generations – but they were somehow romantic and graceful too, the way they plunged into the bay to move across it, there was something very soulful and sensual about their presence in the deep wild depths of the gray water._

We continued to stand together for several more minutes before Derek brought me closer to him, snaking his arms low around my belly over my coat. He kissed my neck just above my sweater, his lips and nose felt cool against my skin. He sighed and moved his hands to my hips, shifting on his feet. _He took a deep breath, but his exhale sounded like a warbled, stifled weep._

"_I'm free, Meredith … we're free,"_ he whispered into the wind so softly I thought I imagined it.

"Derek?" I turned around and was stunned to be met with his glistening eyes. I put my hand on his chest over his heart and even through his wool coat, his rhythm felt like a herd of wild horses, _thump, thump, thump._ "Derek?" I scanned his eyes, my voice cracked with emotion I hadn't expected.

"That call before at Finn's office …," his voice trailed off and he suddenly seemed to be lost in _my_ eyes for once. He rested his strong hands on my shoulders.

"It's done, it's over?" I asked, my heart rate accelerated like a revving engine, my mind went blank, but my thoughts raged into the future and beyond. I kept my hands on his chest to steady myself as flashes of us together filled every fiber of my being. Tears pricked my eyes, but I blinked them away.

"No, Meredith," he said with a small smile. _"It's just beginning, life goes on,"_ he sighed, pulling me into him. I felt his energy and warmth consume me and cover me like a blanket and suddenly the air wasn't as cold or damp anymore. I hugged him tighter and tried again to savor this moment in time … because suddenly this really was _our_ second chance.

Derek pulled away from our embrace and brought his lips down hard on mine. I wasted no time granting him access to my depths as he darted his tongue into my mouth without hesitation. I was warm and hot within seconds and suddenly the idea of needing that extra sweater seemed like a futile one. I grabbed his skull in my hands and kissed him once more before pulling back slightly, wordlessly staring into his dark blue eyes.

"So, are we gonna catch that last ferry tonight or what?" I teased.

Derek laughed big and pulled me to him as he started moving us back towards the car. "Something like that," he said with a sassy, sexy smile that only sent chills up and down my spine.

We swiftly got into the car and Derek pulled out of the parking spot and into the ferry boat access line. We passed over the threshold onto the ferry_ – clank, clank –_ Derek waved to the attendant who nodded in return. And with that, we were on our way to the trailer to spend our first night together as a couple making love and drinking each other in … _because legally, morally and spiritually we finally belonged to each other… and for once, there was no time like the present._

**Chapter 12 – This Year's Love – Part 4 of 4 to follow.**


	31. Chapter 12, This Year's Love, 4 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks for the notes and for sticking with this story. Again, this story draws thousands of visitors, but only a handful of comments … try a PM.**

**Chapter 12 – This Year's Love – Part 4 of 4**

I could hardly believe it as Derek drove over the ferry threshold. My brain automatically shifted to the last time I had made this trip with him ... the last time we came out here _together_. That night, the trip felt endless, mysterious and exciting … of course I had no idea where we were going or how much I would love it once we got to our destination. It was a wondrous evening, one that I would never forget, even with all the betrayal and heartache that followed, _it solidly remained one of the highpoints in my life_.

And now, as we made the same journey, traveled down the same roads, made the same turns, held hands the very same way – _I couldn't help but realize how very different everything was this time around_ – how much we had grown, both together and apart from each other. Derek made the last turn off of the main road and on to his property. He squeezed my hand slightly and I turned to look at him. He smiled, but kept his eyes trained on the pathway ahead of us.

As the car lights reflected against the side of the trailer, my heart suddenly leapt into my throat. I felt clammy and nervous and not at all in a bad way, just in a way that surprised me. I didn't expect to feel anything other than excited and I was, maybe it was just the anticipation of what was sure to come. Derek cut the engine off and sighed.

"Not much has changed," he said softly. "Stay put, I'll come around," he added as he opened his door.

I opened my door so the inside light could illuminate the darkness a little bit more. He stepped around the open door and held his hand out for me. I took it, his hand felt warm and comforting and I was secretly glad for the simple physical connection, for my heart was pounding and my nerve endings were snapping in rapid succession and I desperately needed to hold on …_hold on to him._ I stepped into Derek's space and did just that, snaking my arms around his ribs and up his back.

"Hey, hey," he said softly into my hair, warming my scalp. "You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, it's just … we're here, you know … we made it, I'm just, my head's swimming," I offered lamely. "_And not in a bad way_," I added posthaste because I didn't want him to read into my inability to articulate how I was feeling.

Before I knew what was happening Derek reached down and picked me up, cradling me under my knees and around my back, instinctively I wrapped my arm around his neck to anchor myself. "Derek!" I called out into the dark night sky breathlessly. "What are you doing?" I shrieked into his neck.

He chuckled and started to make his way to the trailer, his steps crackling over the fallen leaves as he went. "I'm sweeping you off your feet," he laughed as he walked. "I'm keeping you from running away," he added trying to read my mind or ease my racing heart, perhaps a little bit of both.

"You can put me down now," I said into his neck as he approached the trailer.

"Oh, I don't think so," he smirked as he started to walk up the makeshift porch steps. "Isn't this a threshold?" he teased.

"Derek! Put me down!" I exclaimed, but he only held me tighter.

"Oh no, we're doing this," he laughed as he took the last two steps and opened the trailer door with his nimble fingers. "C'mon, you know you want to," he said mischievously as he stepped inside the trailer and closed the small door behind us. "That wasn't so bad now, was it?" he chuckled.

"No, it wasn't," I smiled weakly and he gently released my legs so I could stand up with him, I kept my arms around his neck. _Derek ducked his head down and pumped my lips, quick and soft, warm and delicious._ And even though we had been alone for over an hour, something switched once he closed the door just then, it was as if I was his and he was mine for the very first time.

"Hmm, do you want a shower, need to warm up?" Derek whispered.

"No, I want you, I want you and nothing else," I looked up to find his eyes dancing in the darkness, I kissed him again and he swept his tongue against mine. I shivered involuntarily, unsure if my reaction came from his mouth on mine or from the freezing nighttime air that filled the trailer.

"You're cold, let me put the heater on, we can have some wine," he offered, reaching behind us to swipe a lush navy blue cashmere blanket off of the small sofa. "Here," he wrapped the warm blanket around my shoulders, I smiled.

"Thank you," I said unwilling to move from my spot, finding the urge to just look around and savor the moment, _being here once again_, there was just something surreal about it. Derek switched a small lamp on, set the heater and then turned around to face me.

"I have a couple more of those blankets, I'm gonna grab them from storage, make yourself comfortable," he said with a smile and slipped out the small trailer door.

It was so quiet, so peaceful. I looked around the small space Derek called home and he was right, not much had changed. I remembered some small details … it was simple, yet comfortable, with small luxuries, like cozy cashmere blankets and really expensive soft Egyptian cotton sheets … and on that thought I had an idea.

I turned my gaze to Derek's bed and without thinking crossed the small room. I sat down on the edge of his bed. I hugged the blanket around me tighter, daring myself to get undressed and wait for him. I put the blanket down on the bed and quickly removed my coat and cable knit sweater. I draped the blanket around my shoulders again and then without another thought, I slipped my shoes and jeans off. The cold air attacked my ultra warm bare skin. With that, I climbed inside the cool sheets of Derek's unmade bed, cashmere blanket and all just as he was opening the trailer door.

"Meredith?" he called out as he entered carrying two more blankets.

"Derek," I said and he whipped his head around to find me.

"Well," he said, smirk in tow. "Isn't this cozy," he added before crossing the room.

"I wouldn't say cozy, not yet anyway," I giggled.

"What do you need?" he asked suggestively, while dropping the blankets and removing his coat.

"You," I said, suddenly warmer than I had been all night.

"Just me … brazen aren't we?" he teased as he pulled his sweater over his head and began to unfasten his pants.

"Just you," I choked out, heat pooled inside my veins, _filling me up, warming me up_ as I watched him drop his pants, slip off his shoes and approach the bed in just a tee shirt and boxers.

Derek slipped into the bed with me and I turned into him. "Hi," he said, his eyes shining. He leaned up on to his elbow and looked down at me, resting his free hand on my collarbone briefly before he began to twirl my hair in his fingers.

"Hi," I repeated as I looked into his eyes. "I can't believe it," I said, Derek leaned down and kissed me, pumping my lips, soft and quick.

"You're here, I know, with me. I keep thinking about the last time we were here together," he said softly, leaning down to kiss me again. He draped his knee over my thighs.

"Me too, it was … it was something wasn't it?" I asked breathlessly, snuggling deeper into the heat radiating from his body.

"More than something, thank you for giving me this chance," he said quickly, I looked up to find his beautiful eyes glassy with unshed tears.

"Shh, Derek, we made it, were on the other side," I said pulling him closer to me, his arms wrapped protectively around me, he tightened his hold on me with his legs, his lips pressing against my neck as he burrowed deeper and deeper to find the comfort and solace he needed.

I relaxed into the makeshift sanctuary of our arms and legs and caressed his ribs. I pushed his tee shirt up and moved my fingers up and down the naked flesh of his muscular back. I let the weight of his body press and flatten me into this moment, for I wanted to remember this night, this time together as much as I remembered the last magical night we spent together here, in this space. The memory was indelible – _the trailer seemed to transport me, us_ – to this universe where Derek and I were the only two inhabitants and truly belonged to one another … _utterly secluded and solely dependent on each other for survival._

Derek kissed my neck again, his arms resting above my head. He moved his luscious lips up to my earlobe and snaked his tongue along the outer edge there before grabbing it with his lips and sucking on it … I let myself get lost, I wrapped my legs around his waist as heat pooled in my core. I moved my hands up to his scalp, taking hold of his skull; I moved his lips to mine and plunged my tongue into his warm waiting depths.

"Derek, I need more," I husked into his mouth; I saw his eyes flicker open before he crashed his lips down on mine again. I deepened our kiss, but knew I wanted more; I urgently kissed him deeper, lapping at his tongue with mine.

_I_ _desperately wanted to be pushed over a million edges … _

_I wanted to freefall into him … _

_I wanted to be propelled into the unknown with him …_

_I harbored this wild instinct that needed to be tamed …a feat I knew only Derek was capable of…_

_Oh yes, I wanted so much more …_

I pulled his shirt over his head, craving more of his warmth, his bare skin. Derek moaned into my mouth when our lips connected again and yet I still wanted more. I missed his moans of pleasure, I missed what I could do to him – _not that I needed him to fill me up just yet_ – but I needed some other kind of deeper connection.

I wanted intimacy, raw and uncensored. I didn't want to withhold the feelings that raged deep within my soul and beyond. I needed him, pure and simple … _I needed him_ … mind, body and spirit …_ I simply ached for him._

Derek pulled away from our kiss and sat up on his knees. "This needs to come off," he said thickly with a smirk as he playfully tugged at my shirt. His wild eyes bore into mine and my heart went nuts from this simple command, reminding me yet again of what was to come. I realized then my panties were wet, soaked, further evidence of the desire flooding my every nerve and vein.

I laughed and wasted no time, perching myself up on my knees I removed my tee shirt and my bra in less than a second, my nipples puckered in reaction to the cool air. Derek pulled me to him and I felt warmed by his natural heat immediately – _the depths of_ _skin on skin contact_ – I needed it, wanted it and craved it like nothing else. I looked into his deep blue gateways and lost all sense of myself _– his eyes sparkled in the dim light_ – he caressed my back and shoulders with just the pads of his featherweight fingers.

"I missed you, your velvety soft skin, this perfect line of your neck from your ears down to your shoulders," he said softly, bending down he pressed tiny kisses along my neck down to my collarbone. "Beautiful," he muttered.

"Derek," I called out softly, snaking my arms low around his back, pressing my pert nipples into the soft hair on his muscular bare chest as he found my lips and kissed me again, darting his tongue into my hot mouth.

_I moved my hands up his sides and felt the stacked indentions of his ribs, one by one by one, allowing my fingers to dance along the bones there. Derek ducked his head down and kissed my shoulder and I brought my hands up and cupped his face, bringing his lips to mine again, I simply could not get enough of this man, there was no way my desire for him would ever wane._

Derek kissed me fully, but I wanted more even still, so much more and as if he read my mind, he slipped his warm hands into my panties around my ass and pushed them down towards my knees. I reached over and inched his boxers in an attempt to match his action. _"I'll show you mine, if you show me yours,"_ I thought to myself, but somehow it came out in a low growl.

_He chortled as he cock sprang free, but I silenced him by grabbing his firm ass cheeks and bringing him to me. Hmm … just the feeling of his rock hard cock as it grazed across the flat plane my belly was enough to make me want to cum. _

"God, I missed you," he said into my neck, bringing his hands down from my shoulders to my breasts. He lightly swept the pads of his thumbs across my erect nipples; he cupped my breasts again, testing their weight. "Stand up," he commanded softly, holding my hands.

We stood together on the mattress, Derek put his hands on my hips, his thumbs nestled deep in the hair of my vee … he pushed his boxers down to his feet, tossing them aside with his foot. His cock swept against my abdomen and drove me wild. I reached down and ran my thumb along his opening and stroked his firm head, he moaned into my neck as he held onto my shoulders.

I closed my eyes and felt molten cum heat in my core and slowly trickle beyond the barriers of my folds – _a trigger reaction to our intimacy and my carnal need for him_ – I was weak in my knees. I felt like I was seeing his naked form for the first time, _I wanted to memorize everything,_ every muscle, every nick, every scar all over again.

_Derek pressed kisses to my chest and began to kneel, his wild locks tickled my neck as he traveled lower and lower and lower … inch by delicious inch. He stopped briefly and kissed my breasts lingering his tongue around my nipples for a moment. I was slowly losing my faculties; I kept my balance as I held onto his scalp to ground myself. Derek peppered small kisses to my hip bones, while he brought my panties down to my ankles. I stepped aside and he tossed them over his shoulder. I felt his hot breath breeze across the outer perimeter of my pussy and with searing intensity I realized just how wet I was for him, suddenly all I could smell was my sex as it wafted up and stuck to my nostrils like glue. _

"Derek," I moaned into the night, he grabbed my ass in response and sat down, bringing me with him onto his lap, I heard myself gasp, my heart rate flying high from our movement.

"Much better," he husked breathlessly.

I wrapped my legs around his waist and pushed up on his shoulders slightly, his cock lay nestled safely between us as he began to kiss me again in earnest, ducking his head down, he snaked his delicious tongue around one of my nipples. I held on to his scalp as he nipped and sucked and flicked his tongue, taking a break every couple of seconds to blow on my sensitive blood-engorged peak. I held onto his neck with one hand as he switched sides, while I reached with my other hand down to his cock and began to pump my fist up and down his long hard shaft.

I loved the velvety smooth exterior that housed the hard-as-steel interior of his rod … my vaginal walls began to phantom clamp as I pumped my hand _up and down, up and down_.I swept my thumb over his opening one last time; it was wet with his sex. I reached down and cupped his scrotum; he growled in response and bit down ever so slightly on my nipple.

"Oh my …oh!" I yelped as Derek flicked my nipple with his tongue again.

_Delicious orgasmic aftershocks rocked and radiated through my body, furiously splitting my every available nerve and capillary. My body was pliant in his capable arms, I was losing it … losing myself in him … but I still needed more, more pressure – I was ready for him – more of him. So I raised myself up several inches and leaned back on one of my hands as I positioned the fat head of Derek's cock against my swollen clit._

"Right there," I encouraged gruffly.

Derek reached down and swept his cock up and down my sopping wet seam, _up and down, up and down_ until he could no longer take it. "Meredith," my name rolled off his tongue with warbled passion as he met my hazy gaze – _seeking permission to enter me_ – permission that was granted wordlessly as I leaned forward again and eased my steamy wet pussy over his cock I missed so much.

_As he filled me up in only a way that he could – the world seemed to stop – it was just the two of us, our eyes locked, our bodies connected. Neither one of us dared to look away. The puzzle was completed, each of us were whole again. It was beautiful! The way he filled me to the brink, I took everything he had as I swallowed him up whole and yet, I still wanted more, perhaps there would never be enough to satisfy my instinctual need for him. Derek pulsed his cock upwards gently as my sex began to lubricate him more fully._

"Oh, God, I missed you," I said and a lone tear of utter joy and passion slipped out of my eye and began to travel down my flushed face.

"Me too, me too," Derek shushed as he kissed that tear away.

_We began to move into each other like a well-oiled machine. It was like no time had passed since the last time we made love to each other … Derek and I, we just went together like pieces of an old printing press or an antique type writer … key strokes and typesets meshed together by springs and ink. We wasted no time creating our own masterpiece as our passion-filled moans of pleasure radiated between each other and pounded against the walls of the small trailer in the middle of nowhere._

Derek slowly pushed me onto my back, making sure his cock never left my pussy as he grabbed a pillow. "Meredith, lift up, up," he grunted as he placed the pillow under my ass. He came down hard on me, placing his forearms around my head like a halo. He leaned down and kissed me fully, darting his tongue into my depths as he thrust deep into me. "You're so hot, so wet, sticky," he said thickly into my neck, his face flushed with a passionate sheen I had never seen before.

_I felt the pressure of his weight on my pelvic bone and clit as he gently pounded into me, bumping my cervix with his rod._ _Oh God! I could barely take the intense pressure, I was ready to blow … oh my… my heartbeat seemed to match his thrusts …bang, bump, clit, cervix, bump, bang … cervix, clit, clit, clit, each thrust sent me deeper and deeper and deeper into a tailspin towards the blissful oblivion I craved so much._

"Oh, God … so deep, I missed you, I missed you … hmm deeper," I heard myself chant softly as he growled into my ear in response, only to send vibrations straight down my spine to my pussy and beyond. My skin prickled from our heat, I felt small beads of dew cover my face and chest like a fine mist.

_As I lay there – my lover's cock nestled deep within my body – I realized how strong our physical chain was and had become over the last several weeks. We were bonded emotionally, connected, fused and I desperately wanted to maintain this connection – more than just the physical – somehow I wanted him to pierce my soul with his actions of love and passion. I wanted to feel the passion encapsulate my spiritual being; I needed it – him – on every level imaginable, every thrust he gave to me was somehow meaningful for this moment and forevermore._

"Meredith," he said breathlessly. I opened my eyes and found his, he leaned down and pressed tiny kisses to my face and neck and forehead as he slowed his pulses, maintaining a systematic level more appropriate for longevity. "I love you, I love you and I need you to know that, in this moment, I want you for … ever," he choked out. I put my hand over his chest and was struck by the pounding of his heart, for it felt like my own.

"I know you do, I know, Derek, I know … I want you too," I said and I closed the millimeter of distance between our lips and I kissed him senseless. He reached down and with the pad of his finger, he pressed on my throbbing clit, my walls clamped down and my eyes rolled back into my head.

"Stay with me," he laughed as he began to pump harder and deeper, stepping up his pace again as he pressed on my clit steadily. I reached behind him and massaged scrotum with my fingers, lightly passing my fingernails over his sensitive skin, Derek bucked his hips hard into mine in response.

"Oh … yes, yes," his strained voice filled the darkness as he cock began to twitch inside me, shaking violently as he released his hot load into my already seeping core.

_My muscles went to work and systematically began to clench around his twitching cock, seeking for more. Derek continued to kiss me as he pressed his thumb hard against my clit; I bucked my hips in response. _

_I was teetering on the edge of oblivion, everything was white and clean and fresh as wave after wave of my orgasm and my sex spilled over his cock and began to seep out of my hot core. My body was tingling, on fire, white hot as Derek found my mouth with his and stole my breath once again with another demanding kiss. I clenched my walls around his cock and he twitched in response. I was wasted, but I still had more in me, I needed more pressure, more of him, more of us._

_Sensing that, my lover slipped out of me and in less than a second he was kneeling back on his knees perched over my throbbing pussy. I felt bereft if only for a moment until I felt Derek fingers spreading my slick folds back. I opened my eyes slightly only to catch his gaze, he laughed breathlessly as he knelt down and I felt my prize: his tongue on my clit. Derek inserted two fingers into my molten core; I opened my knees for him. My walls clamped reflexively as he swirled his talented tongue in and out of my pussy and over my clit in a figure eight configuration over and over and over again. _

"You taste so good, like us," he said thickly as he pulled his fingers out and pressed his whole mouth over my pussy, laying his hands on the insides of my thighs to weight them down.

"Oh … oh …," I sang out ... for there were no words.

_I grabbed the sheets … the comforter … the pillow … anything I could reach to steady myself. His mouth felt like a siphon, a suction cup, he drank me down as he darted his tongue into my core; intermittently passing is tongue and teeth over my clit. He moaned into my pussy and the vibration alone did me in. In a matter of seconds my muscles were clenching down, frantically searching for his cock, but better than that, Derek darted his stiff tongue into my core and my muscles reflexively held it in place as he grazed his teeth against my clit and my hips bucked off the bed._

"Derek!" I heard myself scream, my hands went straight to his skull to keep him there, the pleasure was pain-filled, _bittersweet_, the pressure of his mouth on my pussy …it was like nothing else in this world.

_I lost all of my faculties then as my eyes slipped into the back of my head and my body went numb, completely numb and my mind went blank with white passionate haze._

Derek crawled up my body and removed the pillow from underneath me. We were spent. I could _see_ nothing but the imaginary waves of my orgasm. I could _smell_ nothing but our sex. I could _feel_ nothing but the weight of Derek's body pressed on top of mine, my muscles and nerves were gone, shot. I could _hear_ nothing but the staccato of our breathing.

_I was nothing but a lone buoy for my lover and we were lost in a sea of orgasmic bliss and I, for one, never ever wanted to be found._

After several minutes, I felt my heart rate begin to slow down to a more normal rate. The chill in the air began to permeate around us and I could feel it trying to steal the heat of our passion. I opened my eyes and peered at my sated reflection in the window above me. Dim light seeped into the room from the lamp Derek had switched on earlier offering just enough visibility to dully illuminate the trailer.

My eyes darted around the space and from my vantage point, everything was just as it was an hour ago – _but in my heart and soul, there was a shift, everything had changed_ – everything. My eyes clouded with unshed tears, tears of joy. I closed my eyes and allowed those tears to spill onto my hot cheeks. I stifled a sob, attempting to push it down into the deep recesses of my belly – _I wanted to house this joy, contain it_ – for I never wanted to let it go. Derek stirred and raised his head, his face etched with alarm.

"Happy tears," I explained. He smiled weakly and inched up.

_He kissed me. I kissed him. He tasted like us._

"I have no words," he said softly. He lowered his head and placed his ear over my heart muscle.

"Neither do I," I said into his hair. "Tired?" I asked.

"Hmm … I want you again, now and forever … but yes, more emotionally than physically," he said truthfully. I peered down and watched as his eyes snapped shut in contentment.

"Me too," I agreed. I caressed his back, his flushed skin, returning to a more normal shade of pink. I reached down and pulled the comforter over us in an attempt to maintain our heat.

Derek stirred, but kept his head down and his eyes closed. "Your heart is lulling me to sleep, Meredith, I missed your heart," he whispered.

"I missed yours too," I said because it really was true. "Goodnight Derek," I said softly.

"I love you," he said in response and I felt him relax into me. I kissed him through his hair, he moaned ever so slightly as he drifted off.

_As closed my eyes as I lay there with Derek in my arms – allowing my heartbeat to lull him to sleep – blurs of our moans filled my quiet mind and our now quiet surroundings. I willed those fractional moments of our obsession to be seared deep into my soul … fusing my soul with Derek's again as the weight of his body pressed into me while he fell deeper and deeper into the abyss of his passion-filled sleep. _

_As I drifted off to sleep myself, a flutter of thoughts coursed through my mind, gently pushing and prodding their way into my subconscious … they would be the thoughts I would fall asleep with and the first thoughts that would cloud my mind as I awoke tomorrow …_

_We were indeed free …_

_I never wanted to let go._

_We were finally home …_

_I never wanted to let go._

_Our soul connection was restored …_

_I never wanted to let go._

_Our love would last a lifetime..._

_Yes, time was truly ours again …it was time to start living the dream._

**Chapter 13 to follow.**


	32. Chapter 13, New Star, Part 1 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks for the kind words on that last part of Chapter 12, I thought to disclaim the erotica, but I presume the "M" Rating was sufficient. **

**So, i****f you've never listened to Turin Brakes, do so now. They are from the UK, but have this really soulful country sound. This song, "New Star" is one of my favorites and really speaks to Meredith's feelings in this next chapter.**

**Chapter 13 – New Star**

Lyrics: Turin Brakes' – "New Star":

Wait for  
A brand new sun  
A brand new star  
To wish upon  
Wait for  
A brand new day  
A brand new way  
To see the world

Oh my  
Wait for the blue sky  
Wait for the sunshine  
To clear your mind  
Oh yeah  
Wait for the clear air  
'Cause even that old moon  
It couldn't eclipse this brand new sun

I've been  
To hell and back babe  
I've seen dead space  
I've seen shame  
I know  
In a shadow  
Lurks a high low  
See-saw game

Oh my  
Wait for the blue sky  
Wait for the sunshine  
To clear your mind  
Oh yeah  
Wait for the clear air  
'Cause even that old moon  
It couldn't eclipse this brand new sun

Oh my  
Just wait for the blue sky  
Wait for the sunshine  
To clear your mind  
Oh yeah  
Wait for the clear air  
'Cause even that old moon  
It couldn't eclipse this brand new  
Even that old moon  
It couldn't eclipse this brand new  
Even that old moon  
It couldn't eclipse this brand new sun

* * *

**Chapter 13 –New Star – Part 1 of 2**

Morning … I could feel it seep into my aching bones, but I dare not open my eyes. The sun had yet to rise, this I knew for sure as the chilly nighttime temperature still cloaked everything. _I still had time._

This morning … this moment of truth was the one I had been waiting for over the last several weeks – _this morning_ – this moment in time … was finally … upon me.

I slowly opened my eyes, the nearby lamp was still on, offering just enough light for me to take it all in, clear my mind to the reality of waking up in Derek's warm embrace. He lay on his own pillow now, facing me, his arm crossed protectively over my belly, his heavy hand cradled my ribcage. His body was warm, radiating ample heat despite the small distance between us.

_My brain was foggy with sensations from our games last night, I was floating on a weightless cloud … was this really happening … was I really here? I could still smell our sex, feel Derek's lips on my skin, his cock submersed deep within me, his tongue as it danced on me in all the right places … even now … hours later … I felt our physical tie, my vaginal walls pulsing … our connection … our bond._

_It was true, I wanted him now and forever, this I knew for sure … but I hedged … nevertheless, waiting for morning to break. Because as sure as I was … I had carried this lingering broken dream with me for a long while and I knew I needed to mend it somehow._

As the minutes ticked on and I became more lucid, I started to feel the cooler temperature prick my bare skin. I remembered the cashmere blanket I used was strewn across the pillows behind us. I reached behind me and pulled it down to cover my bare shoulders. I looked at Derek's bedside clock: 5:21 AM. The latest I had slept in some time – _also the most soundly I had slept in months_ – but neither fact surprised me. I had a late shift this afternoon and I was sure Derek would need to check on Burke at some point, but right now, _at this moment_, none of that mattered.

I turned my gaze towards Derek again and listened to the easy rhythm of his breathing, he was still deep asleep … a fact I was secretly thankful for. He looked peaceful in his slumber, something I never had the pleasure of seeing when we were last together. Even the strong lines etched in his experienced surgeon's face had vanished in his sleep – _he was truly relaxed_ – in mind, body and spirit. And in some ways, I cherished seeing him like this more than all of the other intimate moments we had shared together. Perhaps it was because of his blatant vulnerability and his trust in me … or even more so because it was all so domestic. Whatever the reasons, I loved it, because waking up and finding Derek asleep next to me was further evidence that my dreams were becoming my reality. _He was here with me. We were together._

I looked up into the window above me, the sky was still dark _– I focused for a moment on the reflection staring back at me_ – just as I had done all those months ago. It was no surprise to me that the same woman stared back at me now, for as much as everything had changed – _one thing hadn't_ – one strong undercurrent could not be eclipsed by the passing of time since I had last been here.

Sunrise was imminent now as the birds were starting to sing … various calls could be heard from the great distance surrounding our enclave. I slowly shifted out of Derek's hold and slipped from the bed, the floor felt cold under my feet. The frozen air assaulted my skin as I quickly moved the warm comforter around Derek to preserve his heat …hopeful to keep my disappearance from his bed unknown, _if only for a short while._ I grabbed the cashmere blanket and draped it around my shoulders. My bones and limbs ached as I moved, serving as another delicious reminder of my night with Derek.

I padded through the small bedroom and slipped into the bathroom to pee. I sat down on the cold toilet seat, bringing the blanket up to my abdomen. I quickly wiped, but decided to flush later, taking no chance of waking Derek. I rinsed my hands off and exited the bathroom, glancing towards the bed to check on him.

I crossed the small space and sat on the chair near the kitchenette. I brought my feet up to sit Indian style, shoving the blanket tight around me like a chrysalis. I looked out the window there – _the sun was just beginning to ascend over the horizon to light up the land_ – my reflection stared back at me. Despite the blanket, goose bumps covered my skin as the sense of déjà vu intensified while I waited impatiently for the sun to rise and my reflection in the window in front of me to disappear. Just a few more minutes now and I would see the clearing, the water and Derek's land before me.

I looked over to the bed again where Derek lay and found myself shaking my head in disbelief that we were here together again … one _zenith_ I never thought possible. I wrapped the blanket tighter around myself as I shivered from that thought. I looked out the window again and thought about Cristina, thought about what she might be thinking this morning … was she feeling blessed for another day with the man she loved? _Was she as restless over Burke's condition as I was rested after my sleep with Derek?_ In an odd paradox, I hoped she was feeling both restless and blessed, for that would mean she truly felt love.

_Love, I sighed._

The sky was a shade lighter suddenly and my heart skipped a beat in response, for this is where my dream of this morning always began.

_I hovered over myself then, braced my mind for what was to come. Like so many times in this dream, I began to see the glimmer of the water as it moved, swaying in the invisible current running underneath it. The sun slowly percolated over the horizon, millisecond after millisecond …bating the new day to come._

_I vividly remembered the myriad of thoughts rushing through my mind as I sat here as if was yesterday. I recall looking through the window and waiting for the morning to come – but not because I wanted the night to end – quite the contrary actually. I waited with unearthed anxiety for the chasm of my insecurities to swallow me up. Minute by minute I waited for daybreak because I foolishly thought my feelings for Derek would pass when the sun rose and I started to live the reality of my life once again._

_I remember thinking, that everything was so perfect just hours before … our passion for each other … our emotional and physical connection, everything was easy, simple, raw …contained and compartmentalized out here in the wilderness … it was an escape – __for both of us__ – a fact I would come to learn. I recall thinking it was all too much, the stuff of fairy tales, this escape into each other could not be real. So, I waited for morning to come and take those deep feelings away from me, because feelings like that didn't just materialize for a woman like me and they certainly didn't stick._

_In my dream, it was always the same … day would break as it was now at this very moment …the sun began to spray small rays of light, flickers of life reflecting over everything in its path. The clearing became bright. Derek's car was parked outside. Beyond that, the water began to shimmer –like millions of diamonds or waves of new stars –they moved like a school of fish over the water … shimmering, glimmering, twinkling …much like Derek's eyes did most of the time when he looked at me. _

_In my dream, I would look over to Derek's bed, as I did now and on that morning all those months ago and watch him sleep and wonder how I arrived at this moment in time – when the stars were aligned – and everything was even, lined up. As I watched his sleeping form, I was struck by the instant-replay of this moment in time and I had to wonder if I somehow willed it into reality – and maybe I did – maybe this was my second chance thing at work. After all, the decisions Derek and I made, both together and apart from each other brought me straight back to this cherished moment. _

_I turned my focus back to the wilderness outside and watched for a moment longer. As the minutes ticked on, my dream slowly meshing with my reality … the sun rose higher into the sky. Was this really happening? My heart rate spiked, pumping new life into my veins as morning broke. I closed my eyes and let the warm sun rays cover me like a hot towel straight from the dryer; I let its obscure heat seep into my aching bones and attempt to heal me. And then I heard him – Derek – as he stirred in his sleep._

_I dared myself to maintain my focus outside the window. I so desperately did not want this moment to end, because what if it did, what if I lost the dream again?_

_I recall clearly making the decision to withhold my feelings for Derek that morning … to wait until the next time we came out here together to reveal that I had fallen deeply in love with him. _

_Because I thought, if there was one more morning such as this … then I would know for sure … I would know that I found the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. _

Sadly, that morning never came. Addison showed up only days later and broke our chain and my dream along with it. So, what if it was lost on me again? What if this whole thing was just an elaborate charade? What if I turned to Derek now, in this moment in time, and I didn't see what I saw and felt in his eyes on that wondrous morning all those months ago?

Tears pooled in my eyes as I tried to focus on my feelings and catch them and put them back in my heart where I had locked them away for so long.

_I could keep them there, safe and sound, preserve myself, lock it down. _

_I could, but then wouldn't I be a coward in the name of my second chance? What was it all for?_

_I could tell that now that Derek was awake and watching me … morning was upon me, us._

I sniffled, stifling a small sob, still craving the intimacy and seclusion of my moment here – _alone_ – my moment where I could collect myself and keep my dream alive.

_Just one more moment, I wept inside, just one more moment to bask in the joy of this dream. _

I closed my eyes and those waiting tears fell onto my face. I let them be, I had no cause to remove them now … they were a mechanism for me, a distraction, to mask the fear that my dream could be over in a matter of seconds.

_Derek stirred again … my time was running out._

_It was true … the dream of that morning could be over … done. _

_But what if it wasn't? _

_What if all I had to do was turn to Derek now to start living the dream I so desperately wanted?_

**Chapter 13 – New Star – Part 2 of 2 to follow.**


	33. Chapter 13, New Star, Part 2 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: I was surprised the first part of Chapter 13 only brought in two comments, for it happens to be one of my favorite introspective/full circle moments of this story. If you are reading, it would be great to hear from you. Sometimes I feel like I am shooting blanks here (no sexual pun intended) with the lack of reader response I garner. Feel free to PM, this works better for some. Enjoy.**

**Chapter 13 – New Star – Part 2 of 2 **

_It was true …the dream of that morning could be over … done. But what if it wasn't? What if all I had to do was turn to Derek now to start living the dream I so desperately wanted?_

_What if I turned to him and the wish that lurked in my heart was finally granted?_

"_Meredith?"_ I heard his soft voice fill the silence of my raging mind; déjà vu reverberated against everything I had.

"Hmm? Just one more minute, Derek," I pleaded softly, unable to look at him for fear of losing it all.

"_I might be having the most surreal moment of my life," _he said quietly. The sheets rustled around him. _"If you turn to me, then I'll know I'm not dreaming," _he added.

_What on earth was he talking about? My heart pounded in my chest. I took a deep breath of the cold air, it filled my lungs but it didn't dampen the fire that began to smolder in my heart. _

"Derek," I said, still unwilling to look at him. "I need a minute here, I'm waiting … I need another moment," I said, focusing on the water outside as it became brighter and brighter, dancing as it reflecting off of the sun.

_And then, almost without warning, the reflection of that woman – that uncertain woman – had all but disappeared and that left just me … in the here and now … just where I wanted to be._ I smiled inwardly, just enough to slow them tempo of my racing heart. Derek sighed and the sheets rustled again and then I heard him speak.

"_That morning, when we were out here together, you sat there Meredith, in that very same chair, I think you even had the same blanket wrapped protectively around you,"_ he chuckled softly. I relaxed and listened to the soft timbre of his voice, careful to keep my eyes trained on the landscape in front of me.

"_You were so beautiful, the way the sunlight covered you, your skin sparkled … you looked like an angel, beautiful,"_ he sighed. "_Not yet broken_," his voice cracked. _"I knew you were __my__ angel, my savior, and yet – you weren't mine at all – there was a moment, a split second where I thought about disclosing my secrets…,"_ he said softly, lost in his own admission.

I listened to his confession with open ears, for there were no longer any secrets between us regarding the mistakes he made early on. I was relieved to know though, that this _flash_ I had all those months ago was not simply my own, that somehow he felt _something_ too.

"_But I didn't want to ruin the moment, God …,"_ he continued, silently chastising himself. The sheets rustled again, he sighed. _"I could have stayed in that moment forever and watched you, escape into you … I'm sorry ...,"_ he said, his voice trailing off.

I could see Derek now, via a small slice of my peripheral vision. He leaned back on the headboard of the bed … he eyes fixed on me. But I dare not look at him, not yet, for if I did, I would surely cross the room and be lost in him before I was ready.

"_And then you turned to me,"_ he said, chuckling lightly. _"You didn't realize I was awake and watching you –_ _you turned to me and a flash of something flickered across your beautiful green eyes and I knew_ – _I knew Meredith, that I had fallen in love with you_," he sighed heavily.

_My heart plummeted down, down … down. I felt like a skydiver without a parachute ... I almost couldn't breathe … Derek had shared my moment, all this time I believed I was alone in it … I could hardly believe it … he had shared the moment I coveted as my own. _

"_What __were__ you thinking about in that moment, hmm? Can't you tell me now? When you turned towards me and our eyes locked like that? The energy was insane; I remember … I was lost, utterly lost in your eyes. I've always wanted to know what was on your mind,"_ he whispered.

As Derek's questions hung in the air, I had an epiphany of sorts – _what if_ – just what if _that _moment all those months ago was just precursor for _this_ moment in time? Maybe I wasn't meant to reveal my feelings for Derek back then … _or in a scrub room at the hospital with my back pinned against a desperate wall, with poor Bonnie and Tom impaled on a pole in the very next room. _

_Maybe I had arrived at the moment that was meant to be treasured._

_Maybe this was the moment of truth._

_So, I did what I had to do to find out._

I turned to Derek and locked his eyes with mine and I felt it – _the spark,_ _just as I had all those months ago_ – just as I had in my dreams ever since that morning. And no, our time apart did not weaken my feelings, _for they were only more intense because they could finally be returned in kind …legally, ethically, morally and spiritually._

"When I turned to you that morning, like I am right now," I said as evenly as I could. "I was going to tell you something … _I was going to say,"_ I smiled because I knew the moment had indeed arrived, my heart went wild, butterflies swarmed in my belly … _the dream had become reality, it was true._

"What I wanted to say was...," I said quietly as I watched Derek become blurry around the edges, my eyes filling with thick tears that I had no need or want to control.

"Well, forget about what I wanted to say … I'll tell you what I knew in my heart that day," I said, my voice shaking. I uncrossed my legs and stood up and walked across the room towards him, _my legs sore and weak … the cashmere blanket caressing my chilled feet …_ _my belly on fire._

"I'll also tell you that nothing has changed since. _Nothing_ …," I said as I approached the bed. Derek sat up straighter, his eyes sparkled with curiosity.

"Because now … all I can say is that I'm in love with you …," I said softly as the icy cold wall I had built around those feeling began to melt. I watched a small tear pop out of Derek's right eye and travel down his beautiful face; I reached over and brushed it away. He smiled weakly.

_I dropped the blanket, the bitter air attacked every inch of my body, but I had no care for that ... for there was no need for barriers ... suddenly no need to hide what was in my heart. _

"I've been in love with you for … ever," I said, my voice cracked, like chips of old paint … out with the old, in with the new.

_I stood there for a beat and watched the realization of my words cover Derek like a protective cloak._ _Tears fell down his cheeks as I slipped into bed with my lover, climbing on top of him, reaching for the pinnacle ... tackling the dream with my whole being._

_Derek wrapped his arms around me and I held him tight against me, my hands on his shoulders, my knees flush against his hip bones, my ear pressed against his heart, his cock situated between us … oh yes, I held on tight while he wept in my arms and warmed me up. _

"I never stopped loving you, Derek. _Never._ I knew I loved you … that's what I knew when I looked at you that morning," I said into his bare chest, kissing him there as my own tears of relief and joy rolled onto my face.

_We held each other for several minutes, calming each other, warming each other, soothing each other. I ran my hands up to his neck; I kissed his chest and burrowed deeper. Derek kissed my head through my hair and I knew – without a shadow of a doubt that this was the moment in time I had been dreaming of – that this was the stuff that dreams were made from._

"I love you Meredith," he sighed and I relaxed into him … losing myself completely, the feeling of free falling consumed me and I held on tighter, but not in fear … _I held on tighter because it was my right to do so, to finally be in this moment with the man I loved, who loved me back._

"I really do love you," he said softly, I burrowed even deeper, breathing him in … pressing the moment into my memory bank.

"_I love you, but your feet are freezing!"_ he exclaimed softly into my hair. I giggled and only squeezed my legs around him tighter, attempting to bury my feet under his thighs. Derek laughed. "Don't even try it," he said. "You. Are. Freezing!"

I held on tight and kissed Derek's collarbone, inching up to kiss the underside of his neck. "I can think of a way or two or three of how we could change all that," I said softly. Derek moved his warm hands up and down my back, finally resting them on my ass.

"Hmm, I bet we can, come here," he chuckled, raising my head, I looked into his bright blue eyes and melted into the moment … willing myself to stay with him and not drift into the unknown … _not yet anyway_. I laughed and Derek leaned in and grabbed his lips with mine, pulling on his plump bottom lip to gain access to his hot mouth.

_He kissed me deeply – the faint scent of us, our sex – lingered on his lips and skin and it tasted divine. I deepened our kiss in hopes of drawing more out, I wanted so much more from him, for now that I had him, oh my, I feared would never be able to get enough._

"Good morning," I said into his mouth.

"Good … morning," he said in between kisses.

_I took his skull in my hands in an attempt to wield control over his mouth; my breasts cut across his chiseled chest, igniting my nipples and the fire within. I kissed him long and hard and dipped my tongue into his depths. Derek snuggled deeper in between my thighs, I instinctually pressed my body deeper into his in return. He moved to kiss my neck and earlobe before French kissing me there, darting his tongue into the small area of my ear canal, a trick he knew drove me wild._

_I ran my hands up and down his sides, running my fingers slowly over his ribcage, Derek squirmed slightly in response. I craned my neck up as he began to kiss my collarbone. He shifted his torso and I felt his cock stir and come to life against my pelvic bone. I leaned slightly to the side and reached down and ran my fingers over the velvety soft skin of his shaft, my walls began to tighten in anticipation of what was sure to come … I simply missed Derek's cock, the way it completed me, I had missed it and now … now I craved it. _

"Meredith," he breathed into my neck, his voice cracking under the weight of our rising blood pressures.

_Wasting no time, he ducked his head down and took one of my breasts into his mouth and pumped my nipple several times in rapid succession. I moved closer to him still, his hardened cock pressed against my pelvic bone. I felt his free hand travel down my side, grazing his fingers across my ribcage. He blew on my nipple and I felt my skin crystallize on his command, a sensation that reverberated up and down my spine until it finally zapped my clit with a pang._

"Derek, I really missed … _us_," I said into the quiet room.

"Me too," he said softy, before he rotated slightly and began to manipulate my other nipple. As he worked my nipple his cock sprang free and bobbed for entry against my groin. I reached down and held onto his rod and stroked the shaft, further igniting my core.

_I reached up and pulled Derek's lips to mine, I wanted him – I wanted our connection – and our kisses were sometimes the most intimate part of our lovemaking, there was just something about kissing him that was whole and complete and sinful and instinctual._ _I simply loved his mouth on mine. He moaned into my depths as I deepened our kiss and lapped my tongue against his. _

Derek moved his lips to my ear. "Do you want it fast or slow? I want slow, I want slow, like last night, I don't want to waste it," he said desperately.

My mind was blank, I could barely form a thought, but I knew what I wanted. "Slow, slow, slow," I chanted. Derek peeked up at me and grinned, happiness evident in his eyes. He chuckled.

"Are you sore?" he asked seriously, slipping his hand down to his prize, pressing his fingers along my folds.

"Hmm, yes, deliciously so," I said truthfully, my hands submersed in his wild locks.

"Hmm, you're swollen, I'll be careful," he peaked up and I smiled gratefully. "Scout's honor," he added with a chuckle.

_And yes, even though my walls felt weak and somewhat tender – raw – nothing would stop me from wanting Derek._ _And of course I knew of the perfect way for me to be slow and careful whilst pushing myself into a sopping wet frenzy to take him into me._

"I know you will, but it's my turn first," I said thickly. A flash of recognition crossed over his eyes in the split second before I licked my lips and slowly began my decent down his lean body, kissing and nipping at his warm soft skin as I traveled.

_As I dipped lower and lower towards my reward, Derek reclined ever so slightly. I inhaled a deep breath of his musty scent, he smelled organic, fresh, raw, like the ocean and us …yes, we were there too. Derek nestled his hands in my hair, twirling it in his fingers, calming me, soothing me. I kept my hands on his chest and passed the pads of my thumbs over his nipples again and again and again. They became hard and faceted like diamond trillions and I pinched the tiny nubs with my fingers; Derek growled in response and I felt his hips buck up slightly._

_I knelt in between his thighs then and looked up into his piercing blue gateways; he was as lost in the moment as I was. I lowered my eyes and took his cock in my hands. I ran my tongue up and down his shaft, he tasted so good, the residue of our sex swathed him and it made him taste even more familiar, better than I ever remembered._

_I took his sensitive head in my mouth and licked and sucked – swirling my tongue in and around his opening – my pussy becoming slicker with each stroke. I felt Derek tremble as I took him wholly in my mouth and sucked a deep breath of air away from him only to inhale and pull him into my cheeks with force. I held my hands around the base of his shaft and did it again. He bucked his hips in response and growled into the air above me. I was lost, overwhelmed by taking him into my mouth after so long. I loved Derek, I loved him so much, but I missed the intimacy of moments like this … I missed his trust in me … and I really missed what I could do to him. _

"_Meredith,"_ he said my name, his voice raspy with emotion.

_I rolled my eyes back and peeked up only to see his beautiful face flushed with passion-filled pleasure. I watched for a moment as he wiped a lone tear away from his cheek with the back of his hand, his eyes remained closed. I reached up with one hand and wove my fingers into his – 'it's okay, I'm here' – I tried to soothe him without words… he squeezed my hand in response._

_I turned my attention back to his cock and ran my fingers over his sack and pressed on his perineum. I sucked deeper and deeper, up and down, up and down until my pussy began to pulse and hum with feral need. Derek fused his hands on my skull once again and I released my grip from his and brought my hand down to hold the base of his rod as I sucked and lapped … I felt his capillaries pop one by one by one; my lover clenched his ass up and I knew he was close, any minute now. _

"_Meredith,"_ he panted. _"Hmm, Meredith,"_ he groaned, stifling his voice, though his call hung in the air all around us.

_I was dripping wet now, my pussy was ripe and ready for him –and yet I still wanted more – I wanted to taste more of the lover I had missed so much. I bent down again and took Derek fully in my mouth and licked and sucked, I grazed my teeth against his shaft, the velvety smooth skin moved back and forth over his rod as I worked us both into a feeding frenzy. I began to move my hands up and down his shaft and took just his sensitive head in my mouth. I suctioned the top like a lollipop and French kissed his opening over and over and over again until I could feel his nerve endings give out; my pussy frantically pulsing, clenching, working … __searching__ for his cock._

_My insides were on fire and evidence of my ministrations was now seeping beyond my folds, so I held onto to Derek's cock with one hand and reached down and pressed a finger on my clit, a twinge of an orgasm ripped up my spine. I moaned over and into his cock in response, for I knew I would need more, I knew I would need him before too long. _

_My mind started to go blank – white hot haze began to fill me up; I began to intermittently press on my clit – I lowered my ass a fraction and held Derek's cock with my other hand while I swirled my tongue around and around and around his sensitive head. I was desperate to get him off now, to taste him, to take everything he had because I had an insatiable need for it – I had to have him – I wanted his cum in my mouth, I wanted to drink him down. _

_As I began to lose myself all I could __hear__ was our moaning and sucking, sucking and moaning … and the alternation of those wordless cries was suddenly all I __wanted__ to hear, I listened hard for it and let it take me to another space and time completely. _

_All I could __feel__ was the vibrations of those moans as they passed through Derek's body and cock and spread like wild fire down to my folds scorching my self-exposed clit with their flaming heat._

_My mind was cloudy, I imagined what I looked like at this moment, a savage woman feasting on some kind of reverent religious gorge, her ass in the air, her fingers pressed into herself – all in the name of worshiping her love, their love – their connection, their sex, their dream … their everything. _

_I sucked and pressed, pressed and sucked, but before too long I felt Derek's strong hands pull me up and away from my desires, his hard cock popped from my mouth. I looked down, he was throbbing, veins were pulsing, he was ready to blow … engorged with blood … just like I was._

"_Meredith, I need you up here,"_ he said desperately as he brought me up to his chest and kissed me fully on my mouth, his tongue darting into my depths in an attempt to reel me back in, _connect with me_. He rolled me onto my back and lay on top of me, pushing my thighs open with his knees.

"I wanna do this with you, I just want you up here with me," he said as he cradled me in his arms, his face flushed, his eyes wild.

_He ran his fingers through my messy hair and then down to my cheek and over my lips and he stared at me and for a brief moment I could not believe we were back here and together, wrapped around each other and committed … his eyes told me he was thinking the same thoughts and then came his words._

"I missed you … so much, there's no stopping us now, we're in the here and now," he said as his eyes became glassy.

_I kissed him before he could say anything more, for I didn't need it; I needed him and this moment and nothing else. Derek moaned into my mouth and kissed me senseless right back. I felt a warm soothing energy fill me up as his tongue swept into my mouth and tugged on my heart and soul and beyond, for my need was urgent now. _

_I lapped my tongue against his and became completely lost in the moment. I felt Derek move his free hand down to my center, briefly halting on my pelvic bone before gently spreading my swollen folds aside with his fingers. I spread my thighs apart in anticipation of what was sure to come … hmm; I was ready to cum just thinking about it. Derek pressed evenly on my clit for half a second before moving his finger down slightly to my ripe and ready pussy … without hesitation he slipped his finger beyond my tender folds and into my molten hole._

"Hmm, Derek, oh, yes, yes," I moaned, wrapping my hand around his wrist, the scent of my sex wafted up and hung in the air around us.

"My God, you're… _hot, wet,_ _white hot_," he said thickly, before easing another finger inside my dripping hot cavern, he pressed on my clit again, this time with this thumb.

"Derek …," I heaved, unable to form a coherent thought, my muscles clamped down on his fingers, steadily holding them in place for a moment in time. He pumped his fingers in and out –_once, twice –_ I bucked my hips up to meet the friction of his systematic movements, only to wish they were his cock.

"Are you too sore for me?" he husked into my ear before kissing my neck and slipping his fingers out of me only to expertly press on my clit with them.

_Oh_ _God, how could he ask me that?_

"No, never," I answered both of our questions aloud. Reaching up to kiss him again, I tugged on his damp locks and brought his lips down to mine in a fury.

_Derek wasted no time situating himself over me while I spread my knees apart, a wordless invitation to accept his body and all he had to offer into mine. Continuing in my quest to fulfill my desires, I reached down and grasped his cock with my whole hand, I swiftly moved it up and down my sopping wet seam – oh God, I could cum just from this – the feeling of the fat head of his cock on my clit alone could do me in. My sticky sex drenched my fingers in no time, only fueling my need for him. _

"Derek, please," I said breathlessly into his mouth as I felt him ease his hot cock into my pussy, I held onto his shoulders and grabbed his lip with my teeth as he filled me to the brink. "Oh God, you feel so good, so … _oh yes,_" I moaned as he began to pump in and out, slowly, methodically, his mouth never leaving mine.

_I sighed into our heat and let my body go … the way I felt when Derek entered me was impossible to describe, the skin on skin contact, my soft tender walls stretching to accommodate him and all he had to offer was truly indescribable. I had no words, only want._

"Harder, deeper, fill me up, there's only you and me … ohhh, I want it deeper,"I chanted as he quickened his pace, my sex lubricating us as he pumped and pumped relentlessly now in a fury to get me off. Anything to take us both to that place – _oblivion and back_ – that place where nothing else mattered, that place where only he and I existed. _My head became cloudy, oh yes, we were almost there!_

"Hmm, I'm almost there," he said thickly, thrusting my hands over my head and pinning them there.

_My body became pliant as he gently pounded his cock into me; my nerve endings began to snap in response, snap, snap, snap, my spine tingled from our vibrations. My nipples tightened from the sensational feeling of our skin on skin contact, they were rock hard and blood engorged in no time. I arched my back to press my chest into Derek's; the feeling was almost too intense. The dual attack on my nipples and pussy was almost too much. Almost … except that nothing could beat it. Nothing. _

Derek released my hands and I immediately brought them down his dewy back and rested them on his ass where I left them. He sinuously ducked his head down and captured one of my nipples in his mouth, putting his talented tongue to work as he swirled and lapped at my nub bringing me within seconds of my climax.

"Derek, I want it deeper, deeper still, I need you," I said, my voice barely audible, my eyes locked on his wild ocean blues for a moment. I reached down and gently palmed his sack in my hand, I stroked him there with the pads of my fingers, I felt his sack pulse and harden, he groaned into the air … he was so close … _we_ _were so close._

_Swiftly, Derek reached around and brought my knees up to my chest, he instinctually pinned them near his armpits so that now I was poised and ready for deeper penetration … my ass raised up, the path to my cervix shortened, he began to work me into a frenzy – pumping me, pounding me, striking me – his sinful cock harder than I ever remembered. _

_He worked me over, I held on for dear life as our bodies slapped together breaking through the small amount of silence left in the trailer. Our moans and grunts and gasps were all I could hear. I was on the edge of oblivion, ready to fall apart at the seams – my skin my only container now – my muscles were beyond shot as Derek continued to work me over and over and over again. _

_I was gonna blow …_

_Any second now …_

_I felt Derek's ass tighten and I heard him scream my name …_

_But it was lost on me … _

_For I was already there …_

_Passed the point of no return …_

_Blissful oblivion had swallowed me whole ..._

_My pussy began to clench around his cock and milk him, milk him dry whilst drenching him with my sex. I came hard and long and my body shook with vibrations. I felt Derek's heavy weight on top of me and I let him flatten me into the moment – I let him fuse himself to me – his cock twitching, my walls clenching in response. Our dewy bodies stuck together in time. _

_I could smell us – our sex – as it filled the air. I inhaled a deep breath of it, my mouth on his shoulder, his hot breath fanning my neck … it was all I could smell, we permeated the air and I pushed that breath down into my belly to savor it. I wanted it, it was all I needed to breathe for survival … it was true … all I really needed was Derek._

I heaved into the air above me and looked out through the window, my reflection still gone; I cradled Derek in my arms and kissed his wet neck. I began to feel the cooler morning air prick my hot wet skin again as we came down from soaring heights. Derek's cock began to soften and slowly it popped out of my grasp, our sex trickled beyond my folds. He released my legs and I wrapped them around him tight. He burrowed deeper into my neck and kissed me there. I never wanted to move again and in truth I could have stayed under Derek's exhausted body … forever. Except that I was quickly becoming freezing again … I shifted slightly.

"I'm cold," I whispered as I watched the shadows dance along the walls of the trailer.

"I beg to differ," Derek said, raising his head, his mischievous eyes scanned mine once before he rolled off of me and pulled the comforter up and over us in one fluid motion. "Come here," he said and I moved flush up against him. Our collective body heat began to warm me instantly. I lay my head down in the crook of his neck and I felt Derek relax into me.

I closed my eyes and let the moment consume me, because I loved our intimacy, but I always loved the moments afterward even more. I felt safe and secure and for the first time, perhaps in my entire life, I felt loved. _Truly loved._ I closed my eyes in an attempt to blink away my tears; I let them recede like waves after a storm. _We were together. I loved Derek. Derek loved me._

"I love you Derek," I whispered into his neck.

"Thank God," he said and it was all he needed to say. I sank deeper and deeper into him; I draped my leg over his thighs. My tender folds brushed against his hip bone, but I dare not wince, for this morning was everything I had ever dreamed of … and more, so much more.

Derek cradled me even tighter and I heard him sigh ever so slightly. As much as I didn't want to move, I supposed we would have to start the day … but the beautiful thing was – _that we would have tonight and countless other nights together and that just sounded so right _– for once, Meredith Grey was in the right place at the right time. Derek shifted in my embrace; his hot breath covered my head through my hair. I opened my eyes and ran my fingers along his bare chest. I felt his chest tighten and for a second I was worried, but then I heard his soft voice.

"Meredith, I don't want this moment to end, I know it's just beginning, but I feel like I've been found … like I've been lost for my whole life and then you just – _you just found me, at Joe's that night and nothing's been the same since _– I haven't been the same since," he confessed softly. "When I slipped into you last night and then again this morning – _my world stopped_ – everything was aligned and I feel like I should tell you … it's always like that for me when I'm with you, always, even when you weren't mine … even when I didn't deserve it or you, _my world stopped and I know we have to keep living and growing and moving and changing …," _he sighed, halting his beautiful confession – _he sighed heavily, still more on his mind_ – so I didn't say anything, instead I let the silence consume me, my brain too tightly wrapped around his words to say anything just yet.

"Derek?" I looked up and found his glassy eyes after a moment; he scanned mine for a beat before sweeping his lips down to kiss me.

"Hmm, I just … I need you to know all of this," he sighed and I lay my head down on his heart, his wild beat vibrated through my body. "I look into your eyes and know nothing else matters … my world stops when I'm with you, it just stops and it's only you and me and that's all I ever want and it's all I'll ever need,"he said softly. "So, thanks … for the chance to make it right," he said, his eyes never leaving mine.

I let myself get lost in Derek again, I listened to his heart and I felt safer and more secure than I had before in my life. I finally mattered to someone; I finally had someone in my corner, someone who loved me. I let my fingers dance along Derek's chest and ribcage; I closed my eyes and let that weightless feeling consume me.

"My world stops too, Derek, it does – _it's the reason I wanted to be out here this morning _– I wanted to relive that moment in time when _my_ world stopped," I breathed, inching up to close the small distance between us. I took Derek's full lips in mine and kissed him senseless.

"Hmm, don't get me started again," he chuckled into my mouth, but didn't hesitate to pull me on top of him. I assumed my same position, straddled along his waist, and looked into his deep blue eyes.

"What? I have a late shift," I said with a smirk, his eyes sparkled in acknowledgment.

"Hmm, I'm gonna need to check on Burke, but I have nothing else scheduled, we can go back to the city together and then meet up, maybe before you have to be there," he suggested. I lay my head down on his shoulder; Derek caressed my back with his hands, eventually resting his warm hands on my ass.

"Maybe we can visit Doc," I suggested. "I can't believe he's in quarantine," I said softly, kissing his collarbone.

"Hmm, he'll be okay, he'll be fine, but we could do that," Derek soothed and I laughed.

"What?" Derek asked.

"Nothing," I giggled.

"Tell me, what?" Derek said, pinching my ass, _hard_.

"Derek!" I squealed, pushing myself up so I was straddling him, my messy hair fell all over my shoulders, the cool air assaulted me, but when my eyes met his, I all but melted on the inside.

"Tell me," he sighed, his hands resting on my hips … and then I saw it … Derek looked at me like there was no one else in the world … _he looked at me like his world stopped_. I smiled. "Tell me," he persisted, sitting up, I wrapped my legs around his waist and he kissed my neck and collarbone.

"Fine, I was laughing because going to visit our dog sounded so … ugh, so not like something I would ever do, _I mean I would, if I had a dog by myself and he was sick, of course I would go visit him,_ but with you, but going with you seems … _so together, so real, so … wonderful …_ I just had to laugh," I said breathlessly as Derek stared at me, wonder in his eyes, like he was seeing me for the first time.

"I'm so in love with you," Derek said softly and I melted into the moment again as my lover cradled me in his arms and whispered terms of affection to me, whilst kissing me and loving me and sexing me and soothing me.

And so the world around us welcomed this new day … we allowed _our world_ to stop for one another – _we relished in our moment, our bubble in the middle of nowhere for a little while longer_ – because that's what this moment of truth was meant for … it was meant for us to turn our dream into our reality … because time finally belonged to us again _…because this cherished moment in time … in the here and now … it's what dreams and legends were made from._

**Chapter 14 to follow.**


	34. Chapter 14, Brand New Day, Part 1 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: So … thank you for the nice notes, it's nice to hear from some more readers. I should especially like to say thanks to Sue and Sara for your tenacity in sending a PM to me for a review. Also, Amy … thanks for the shout out. **

**This song from Joshua Radin was just perfect for this chapter, take listen if you have the means, the ballad is something else. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 14 – Brand New Day**

Some kind of magic  
Happens late at night  
When the moon smiles down at me  
And bathes me in its light

I fell asleep beneath you  
In the tall blades of grass  
When I woke the world was new  
I never had to ask

It's a brand new day  
The sun is shining  
It's a brand new day  
For the first time in such a long, long time  
I know I'll be ok

Most kind of stories  
Save the best part for last  
And most stories have a hero who finds  
You make your past your past  
Yeah you make your past your past

It's a brand new day  
The sun is shining  
It's a brand new day  
For the first time in such a long long time  
I know I'll be ok

This cycle never ends  
You gotta fall in order to mend

It's a brand new day  
It's a brand new day  
For the first time in such a long long time  
I know I'll be ok

* * *

**Chapter 14 – Brand New Day – Part 1 of 2**

_I couldn't believe Benjamin O'Leary was dead._

I mean, I knew the risks as well as anyone else. Brain surgery is a risky business, brain tumors – _they wreak havoc_ _on the body_ – they're industrious, clandestine, and unforgiving. I took a sip of my drink and sighed looking around this place, trying to take it all in. Life, sometimes it just isn't fair, _a concept I was all too familiar with_, but it didn't make hurt any less. I know his sister Ruth would eventually be okay, for time heals all wounds. _I knew I would be okay and that Derek would be too … but still Benjamin was so spirited, so damn funny … I wanted him to beat it and he just didn't._ Joe came up and set a bowl of peanuts down in front of me.

"Bad day?" he asked, his large brown eyes scanned mine.

"Not the worst, but not great either," I said, smiling weakly.

"Hmm, well, let me know if you need something stronger," he said with a smile before turning to another customer.

Cristina was supposed to meet me here and Derek too, after he finished his post-op report. I really hoped they didn't get into it tonight. They both had rotten days and I just needed a minute without, I don't know … _opposition or disappointment._ What I really wanted was to get home and lose myself in Derek, let his proximity bring me back, bring me out of my sadness with the hopes that I would be able to do the same for him. I wanted our connection, I more than wanted it … I craved it. _After all, wasn't that the point to all of this?_

I took a peanut from the bowl and cracked the shell. I lay the peanut on the bar, for I had no desire to eat it. Cristina really had a pisser of a day with Mama Burke in town, last I heard she was going to say goodnight to Burke. I for one, hoped she could have a minute alone with him, just to talk it out or reconnect. I cracked the shell of another peanut and lay it on the bar next to its peanut friend.

And then there was Derek, we spoke after Benjamin's surgery, but I could see the disappointment in his eyes, _and I felt so hopeless_, because there was little else I could do but hug him in the small on-call room we made as our enclave for that moment. I wanted to say something big and supportive and be that _rock star girlfriend_ that every guy secretly wants, but I couldn't find the words, so I hugged and kissed him instead and tried to allay our mutual worries. _I'm still not convinced it worked, but he did seem okay … his eyes told me that much._

I scanned the bar again, the lighting was dim as usual, but my mood made it seem dismal somehow. I spotted Alex around the other corner of the bar chatting with some woman, where was Izzie? George was playing darts and he was a terrible shot. Someone should really teach him how to play, seriously, he almost hit some lady! I heard his muffled apology and chuckled, because it was just such a _'George thing'_ to do. Cristina deposited herself in the seat next to mine.

"Hey, did you see Bambi, he almost nailed that woman," she said, putting up her usual tough exterior, but I knew better, her dark worried eyes easily betrayed her confidence.

"Hey," I said casually. "I know, he apologized at least," I laughed. Joe approached us.

"There she is, your partner in crime!" he smiled, nodding at me.

"Oh, Joe, haven't you heard, she's Shepherd's _'girlfriend'_ now," she teased sarcastically, and he eyed me curiously.

"I was wondering how long it was gonna take for you to bring that up," I said with smile.

"Well, you can't expect me to believe that you weren't as shocked as I was this morning when Derek told Benjamin you were his girlfriend!" she scoffed.

"No, I mean, yes. I was surprised, _hello, you were standing with me,_ _you saw my face,_ so yeah …," I turned to look at her. "But Derek and I, um … things are really good, they're gonna be okay this time, so I like that he was impulsive and honest when he answered … I can't say I didn't like that," I rambled on as Cristina and Joe looked at me, my mind wandering to Benjamin again.

"Who's Benjamin?" Joe inquired casually.

"He was our patient, he died though," Cristina offered pointedly.

"Oh, so, yeah, so … what can I get for you?" he asked softly, his eyes landing on mine for a beat before he turned his attention back to Cristina.

"I'll have a light beer, whatever's on tap," she answered, reaching for a peanut.

"I'll have a shot of tequila," I said, suddenly wanting something stronger and not in a bad way, just in a way that I wanted something strong to remember … _impulsive and honest_ … like Benjamin.

"Coming right up," Joe said as he turned away.

"Um, did I miss something? Why do you want tequila, why do you _need_ tequila?" she interrogated me.

"I'm taking a cue from Benjamin. Impulsive, honest. Tequila just sounds good, _not to drown in_, just a shot, like a tribute or something," I said smiling weakly.

"Benjamin wasn't impulsive Meredith. He wasn't honest. He was sick and brain damaged. And now he's dead," she chastised me harshly.

And as she spoke, Derek walked up behind me, snaking his arms low around my belly, lightly kissing my neck. He inhaled, breathing me in. I leaned back.

"Hi," he whispered. "I might regret this, but she's right, Meredith," he said before kissing my neck once more and taking the seat next to me. I turned to him and met his eyes – _they were sparkling still, even now_ – how did he do that. He had a horrific day; I'll never get over how he did that.

"Hi," I said, staring at him. He smiled in return and chill ran up and down my spine. The bubble I loved so much sheathed us for a fraction of time and it felt like just like just the two of us. _Alone._

"Ah, the good Dr. Shepherd, what can I get for you?" Joe asked as he set down our drinks.

"The usual," Derek said with a small smile, resting his hand on my thigh. I reached down and put my hand on top of his.

"Sure thing," Joe said and turned away.

"So, what's this, you want to be more impulsive and honest?" Derek asked turning his attention back to me.

"Something like that," I said. Joe placed Derek's drink down in front of him.

"You're a good man," Derek said to him.

"So, I've been told, let me know if you need anything else," he said with a smile.

"Well, lets make a small toast to Benjamin O'Leary, a small toast for being impulsive and honest, Dr. Yang?" Derek leaned over slightly and raised his drink. I raised mine and Cristina followed suit and we toasted to our funny, refreshingly honest, rudely impulsive, yet _dead_ patient.

I let the amber liquid burn my throat as it slowly trickled down my esophagus to my stomach. I felt warmed in an instant and I let that warmth cover me like a down jacket. I closed my eyes for a beat and just relaxed. It took a near death experience for me to wake up and start going after what I wanted and I just couldn't help but wonder if given that chance, if Benjamin would have started saying what was on his mind and in his heart _without_ a brain tumor causing him to do so.

"_So, what's going on in that beautiful mind of yours? I don't want you to stop saying what's on your mind, not to me anyway,"_ Derek said, inching closer.

I sighed, here's to honesty. "I was just thinking, do you think …that if Benjamin was given a second chance – _he would have started being honest –_ saying what he really felt and not holding back, you know without the tumor driving that?" I asked thoughtfully.

"If he recovered fully from the surgery, maybe, of course the impulsive part wouldn't be there, but it's possible, yes … people change after surgery, most of the time for the best," he answered.

"So if to say before his surgery he held his tongue and didn't go after what he wanted, he had a boyfriend, did you know that? A boyfriend who left him because his mother couldn't handle his bravado," I sighed and Derek just watched me work it out. "I don't know, I could just tell, he was more guarded in his real life before he got sick and I wonder if –"

"We'll never know Meredith," Cristina interjected, cutting me off. "We can't speculate, medically, we can't, we just have to move on, take what we can from the experience," she said seriously, as if she practiced that speech.

"Do you want to go home?" Derek asked quietly into my ear, kissing me there.

"Not yet," I said, darting my eyes towards Cristina. With the day she had, I just didn't think she'd want to be alone yet.

"So … Cristina, Burke's parents seem really nice," Derek offered casually. I turned to him quickly, my eyes probably bulging out of my head. _Seriously, he was clueless. Clueless! Brainless! _

"_Nice?"_ Cristina deadpanned. "Nice, Mama Burke hates me! She heard me call Bailey _'The Nazi'_, hello, everyone calls Bailey _'The Nazi'_ – _not that she knows that_ – but still now she thinks I am racist. A racist, me a racist!" she exclaimed.

Derek nudged me, perhaps looking for me to stop her meltdown, but I just rolled my eyes at him because in some way I kinda thought Cristina _needed_ to break down. So I just sat there and watched.

"Oh and thank you so much for arranging that fucking coffee chat with her, thank you," she said to Derek sardonically. "Oh and then she proceeded to tell me that I am no Spring chicken and I should go into obstetrics! What the hell does she think, I'm just gonna drop my career for her son? And then she called me selfish, I told you that one right? What am I gonna do?" she heaved and all of a sudden she looked like a lunatic, her eyes were wild and she looked scared.

But then I remembered she loved Burke. She's in love, so naturally she would be wigging out, it made perfect sense, because Cristina wasn't scared of anything … _well except for love and marriage and babies … and I guess obstetrics. _Of course I knew what she should do, I just wasn't sure if she was ready to hear it. I surveyed her for a moment longer and took another peanut from the bowl and cracked the shell; I placed the peanut down next to its other two friends. I saw Derek look at me.

"What?" Christina screeched.

"I think you should be straight with Mama Burke. Tell her that Burke understands you and that you want it all, hell someone should have it all, why can't it be you?" I asked her, my thoughts drifting to my mother.

"Easier said than done," she offered noncommittally, her eyes suddenly sad.

"No, you have to be honest, take the risk; you can't set precedence like this. Otherwise Burke will always be caught in the middle, you need to be honest with her," I said, Derek squeezed my thigh. I sighed, moving my eyes to lock with his for a split second.

"I tried, she just went on and on about how any woman would be lucky to have Burke, or marry him and who said anything about marriage, anyway?" she asked, refusing to give up the fight.

"Well … not that I know too much about family stuff, I mean look at my mother, if she was just honest with my father, _if she just said she fell out of love instead of impulsively cheating, breaking their chain_, maybe he would have stuck around for me," I breathed. "Shit, you know what, just be honest, it has to be better than this!" I offered, my voice shaking, I really hated talking about my mother.

"Cristina," Derek said. "Look, take it from someone who acted impulsively, but wasn't honest – _not with myself and certainly not with Meredith_ – you have to go for what you want, don't hold back because you won't move on, you'll be …," Derek looked at me then, his face softened. "Lost … you'll lose yourself if you aren't careful," he cautioned.

"So, just be honest," she repeated.

"Yes!" I exclaimed, grabbing another peanut from the bowl.

"But what if Burke walks away? His mother's hold on him is … _it's tight_. So, what if I'm honest and he doesn't stand up to her, look where it got Benjamin, right?" she said sarcastically.

"Cristina," I said, turning to her, removing the peanut from its shell. "You're never gonna know if you don't take a chance and lay it out there, that's all I'm saying, that's it, take it or leave it, trust me, it's worth it," I counseled. I put the fourth peanut down on the bar. Derek took one and popped it in his mouth. I smiled briefly and Derek laced his fingers through mine, I turned to him and he leaned in and kissed me, soft and quick, he tasted like scotch and peanut oil.

"I'm not saying you're right, _but_ _you are right on one point, _why can't I be the one who has it all?" Cristina asked. "I'm going back over there, I'll, ah, I'll see you tomorrow," she said before slipping off her stool.

"That's my girl," I encouraged.

"Goodnight Dr. Yang, I'll pick up your drink," Derek offered.

"Yeah thanks, goodnight," she said smiling tightly as she turned to walk away. I turned to Derek then and smiled.

"Thank you," I said, leaning into him. "For the toast, for not fighting with her, for –"

My PDA rang out, I stopped mid thought to reach down to fish it out my jacket pocket, curiously feeling something small and hard in there as well, I pulled both items from my pocket. _Ah, my miracle pin from the porch swing! I smiled. I almost forgot about my pin!_ I placed the small shiny pin on the bar in front of me and looked down to retrieve my message.

Derek took another one of my peanut friends and popped it in his mouth. Then he picked my miracle pin up and scrutinized it, bringing it closer to his eyes. "Put that down Shepherd," I teased as I entered my password into my PDA.

"What is this?" Derek asked.

"Wait a minute," I smirked as I looked down, it was a text from Alex.

**A. Karev Surg. Intern: **_eredithmay_

Great, Pig Latin … seriously? I sighed and typed my reply.

**M. Grey Surg. Intern:** _igpay atinlay eriouslysay?_

Derek nudged me. "Who are you texting?" he asked.

"Alex," I answered, waiting for his reply.

"But … Alex is right there," Derek said, pointing briefly, stating the obvious.

"I know, but this is our thing, _we have this thing_, just roll with me on this okay?" I asked, giggling slightly. Derek sighed and ate another one of my peanut friends. Alex's text came through.

**A. Karev Surg. Intern**_**: **__o'malley'sway atientpay antsway otay oday emay_

What? George's patient wants to do him? Where, why … when? I typed my reply.

**M. Grey Surg. Intern:** _atwhay? ywhay?_

"Is that Pig Latin?" Derek asked, his eyes craning down to look at my LCD.

"You bet," I answered, turning to him, our eyes locking for a second before Alex's text came in.

**A. Karev Surg. Intern**_**: **__ecausebay eshay antsway otay ivelay_

Because she wants to live … that makes no sense, she's just scared, she's just being impulsive.

**M. Grey Surg. Intern: **_atthay akesmay onay ensesay, it'sway impulsiveway_

"What's going on?" Derek asked.

"George's patient, this woman with lung cancer wants to do the nasty with Alex," I explained.

"_Really?"_ Derek asked, a small smile playing on his lips, _a thrill reaching his eyes._ I playfully slapped his arm. _Such a man!_

I looked down for Alex's message. Derek looked over my shoulder.

**A. Karev Surg. Intern**_**: **__e'sshay inway ethay athroombay aitingway orfay emay_

She's in the bathroom waiting for him. I started to type my reply.

"She's in the bathroom waiting for him?" Derek read the message.

"So it seems," I said as I finished typing. He cannot get physical with a patient. He just can't!

**M. Grey Surg. Intern: **_ouyay annotcay etgay ysicalphay ithway away atientpay, ogay _

_elltay erhay ONAY!_

**A. Karev Surg. Intern**_**: **__iway on'tday antway otay annaway urthay erhay eelingsfay_

He doesn't want to hurt her feelings. _Mr. Insensitive doesn't want to hurt her feelings! For the love of Christ!_ I typed my reply; he needs to be straight with her, as gently as he can. He needs to say _'no'_, she'll be okay.

**M. Grey Surg. Intern: **_entlygay, asway indlykay asway ouyay ancay, ustjay aysay onay, e'llshay ebay okayway _

Alex looked at us from his seat. It was funny; I could tell he really didn't want to hurt this lady's feelings. He slipped off of his bar stool and made his way to the bathroom.

"Where's he going?" Derek asked, slightly alarmed now.

"To let her down easy," I said as I turned to him and smiled.

"Oh," he smiled and sighed with relief. "Hi," he flirted, inching closer.

"Hi back," I flirted, closing the small distance between us. I pumped his lips with mine, _once, twice. _I smiled, happy for the moment of intimacy.

George approached the bar. "I'm taking off, see you later at home or ah tomorrow …," his voice trailed off.

"Yes, _we'll_ see you at home," I said and Derek smiled. Alex sauntered up then, he actually looked stressed.

"If you wanna get lucky, your patient Mrs. Seabury just propositioned me," Alex said to George.

"Oh and you said _'no'_?" George asked incredulously.

"With counseling from yours truly, he did," I said proudly and we all chuckled.

"I'm taking off before she comes out of there, I feel bad," Alex said as he started to walk out. I turned back to Derek only to hear Alex's voice. "Hey Meredith," he called back. Derek and I turned around. "Thanks," he muttered with a small smile.

"No problem," I said and watched as he and George left the bar and me … _alone with Derek._ I took the last peanut friend from the bar and offered it to Derek. He took it from me and popped it into his mouth. I set my PDA down in front of me and picked my pin up, twirling it in my fingers.

"So, are you gonna tell me what that is?" Derek asked.

"It's nothing," I shrugged playfully.

"Hmm, I doubt that, you're looking at it like it's a treasured _something_," he said curiously. I turned my face to his again and watched the dim lights bounce off of his eyes.

"It is," I said, batting my eyelashes.

"So, you aren't sharing? What happened to _impulsive honesty_?" he said with a smile.

"It's silly. It's mine. _It's my pin_," I said simply.

"C'mon, share with me," he pleaded jokingly. "I have an idea, how about we flip for it, heads you tell me and tails you keep it to yourself," he added.

"Fine," I played along as he took a quarter from his jacket pocket and showed me both sides. I laughed as he handed it to me.

I flipped it up and caught it, setting my hand over it on the bar in front of us. I pulled my hand away. We peered down at the coin together without touching it.

"Heads," we said in unison.

_Damn it! He won. I turned and looked to Derek, he was gloating already, it was written all over his beautiful face._

"You won," I grumbled.

"I did," he sighed. "You don't have to tell me Meredith," he said sincerely, lacing his fingers through mine, and I knew it would be okay if I didn't.

"No, I don't have to tell you," I said. _"But I can show you,"_ I added, because deep down, I really wanted to.

"Oh really," he said, slipping off of his bar stool. I hopped down and Derek held my coat out for me. I put it on.

"You guys taking off?" Joe inquired.

"Looks like it, _we have a pin_," Derek said with a smile. He handed Joe his card. Joe looked at us quizzically, but made no further comment.

"Be right back with this," he said.

Derek moved flush up against me, he took my hand in his. "So, is this a _'I'll show you mine if you show me yours'_ kind of thing?" he asked mischievously.

"It can lead to that, yes," I said, unwilling to give anything away.

Joe came back over and put the credit card slip on the bar for Derek. "You headin' out Dana?" he called after a blond woman, who seemed to be rushing out of the bar.

"Gotta get back to the hospital Joe. Kick this cancer's ass!" she exclaimed without looking up. Derek turned away from the bar; his eyes wide like a child's. I smiled back.

"See you Joe," I said.

"Goodnight guys," he replied happily.

Derek put his hand on the small of my back and we made our way out of the bar. The cool air assaulted our warm hearts and bodies. I reached down and took Derek's hand in mine. We were sharing, we were opening up. Maybe there was something to be said for taking chances; risks –_going with 'impulsive honesty'_ – for it seemed to be working.

_I mean, if it can make the hopeless become hopeful – really where's the downside – asks the girl who was about to share her miracle with her lover._

**Chapter 14 – Brand New Day – Part 2 of 2 to follow.**


	35. Chapter 14, Brand New Day, Part 2 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Enjoy and please let me know what you think. **

**Chapter 14 – Brand New Day – Part 2 of 2 **

We made our way to my house, Derek following me in his car. I pulled up and hopped out of the warmth of my truck. I looked up into the sky, it was overcast, but it didn't seem like rain would be coming anytime soon, which was a relief. Derek pulled up and turned his ignition off. He smiled as he exited the car. He was a calming force in my life, there was no doubt about that now – _now that he was happier and I was happier –_ just one look into his eyes and I felt like everything was gonna be okay. _I felt better now, just better._

"Hi," I said as he walked around the car to meet me.

"Hi," he said, smiling as he closed the small distance between us, he kissed me, his warm nose touching my already cold one. I took his hand in mine and we walked up the steps together. The entryway light was on, but other than that the windows were dark.

"Lets sit over here," I gestured to the swing. We walked over and sat down next to each other. Derek draped his arm around my shoulders and we sat back. The swing moved under our weight and I smiled, relishing in that subtle movement.

I sighed and rested my head against his shoulder and just relaxed for a moment; let the reality of it all sink in once again.

"Meredith," Derek said quietly, turning to look at me. It was truth time.

"A few weeks after the bomb went off, I came home from work … do you remember that cute patient of yours, Shawn and his fathers? It was that night," I said softly, keeping my eyes trained on the railing in front of us.

"Hmm, yes, I do," he said thoughtfully.

"I came home and my head was spinning off axis, out of control … _second chances, your divorce, my mother and her impulse to cheat, my father and his reflex to leave me_ … all these big things tipped my scale every which way and I felt completely lost. I decided to sit down here and just think, take a moment … empty my head before going inside," I confessed, my heart pounding into my chest so hard I could feel its vibrations everywhere. "I remember wondering if my parents ever sat on this swing together and dreamt of their future together, you know, _before all the cheating and all the leaving_," I said, my voice cracking, but I pushed those pieces of myself _down, down, down_ … I needed this out – _with clarity, not with impulse_ – I needed to tell Derek how I felt.

"Oh, it's okay," Derek said, hugging me tighter. I felt his warm breath fan into my hair as he kissed my head.

"It is, you're right, _now it is … okay, the past is the past_," I said in response. "And I'll never forget about finding this that night," I said to Derek, holding the small shiny pin up, it sparkled albeit the dim porch light.

"This swing _never_ moved, since I came back into town … _it was dormant_. And as much as I had tried to push on it to unlock it somehow, it never moved before that night, it was hopeless," I shrugged, delving deeper into Derek's embrace. _"_It was hopelessly stuck in time, unwilling to move, destined to stay still forever –_ to go unnoticed and to be unused and overlooked_ – much like I had felt for a long time in my life," I admitted softly, my heart racing now. "But on an _impulse_ that night, I pushed harder, I let my weight press down on the seat and I noticed that one of the latches at the top, this one right there," I said pointing to the casing above us. "I noticed _this small shiny pin_ wedged in there and I pulled it out and … _the swing became a swing_," I smiled in recollection. A small tear jumped out of my eye and I let it travel down my face into the crease of my neck. "Derek, the swing moved and it felt like it was a tiny miracle made just for me,"I sighed with a smile.

"Oh Meredith," Derek sighed and kissed me again.

"So, I did what you do on a swing, _I swung_," I cried softly. "I propelled myself … I allowed the momentum, the movement of that moment take me into the future and I dared myself to do what my parents probably never did … _I let myself think about the impossible dream_ _I held deep within my heart for a long time_ … _the possibility of a future with you, for you cared about me_ … _and you still wanted me and I wanted the dream, I allowed myself to think about chasing it,_" I said rapidly, stifling a small sob.

I turned into Derek and looked into his eyes, they were glassy, thick with unshed tears, but I still had more, more to say.

"I felt that energy fill me up, it pumped new life into my blood and organs and warmed me, because you cared Derek and the swing worked, the swing was finally moving and so was I … so were we," I said through my tears.

"Meredith, Meredith, come here," Derek whispered, lifting me up and shifting me onto his lap. He cradled me like a child as the swing reacted from our movement. I draped my arm around his neck and held on for dear life. "Thank you, for sharing the miracle, for loving me … I love you, so damn much," he said into my ear and I turned to him and pressed my lips to his and pumped, _once, twice and a third time … just because._

_Derek deepened our kiss, reaching around to take my skull in his warm hands, he darted his tongue into my depths and I melted on the inside like butter in a hot frying pan, my insides tingled … my veins pumped new blood to my heart, only fueling my desire for him even more._ _As he kissed me, the swing shimmied and shook under our movements, it felt so good … so perfect._

"Hmm, kiss me again," I moaned as he pulled me even closer to him and did just that. I held his face in my hands now, turning my body into his ever so slightly. I lapped my tongue against his and let our bubble house us and our happiness as we sat upon our miracle and kissed each other senseless.

Derek pulled away, just a millimeter; he scanned my eyes with his crystal clear blue gateways, _his eyes still sparkling_, even more powerfully than usual. I was lost in an instant, for that's all it took.

"How do you do that?" I asked, kissing his swollen lips.

"Do what?" he asked, wasting no time before pumping my lips again.

"This amazing thing with your eyes, we had this crappy day and Benjamin is gone, but you showed up at Joe's and your eyes were _shining, shimmering, sparkling, like magic … _even in the dimmest, dullest of lights, at the darkest hour, how do you show me … optimism?_" _I asked, breathless from just looking at him.

He stared at me for a beat longer, the glimmer in his eyes only intensifying with each passing second. "Maybe it just happens when I see you, _maybe you restore my hope every time I look at you … it's you Meredith, it must be,"_ he whispered into my mouth, grabbing my lips with his and tugging on them, desperately seeking entry. My clit throbbed on command; I was entrapped in a blissful wasteland within seconds.

I pulled away slightly and looked into his eyes again, attempting to confirm his words. He pressed his lips together, his gaze never leaving mine. "You give me hope too, Derek. You do, you're my beacon, I already told you, _you saw me through, remember_?" I said before burrowing into his chest.

_Derek only tightened his hold on me now. I felt his thigh muscles flex as he pushed the swing with his toes … and we began to move … together. I relaxed into him and looked up at the overcast sky. Since the bomb had exploded around me, there had been moments where I felt deeply saturated by this weightless, flying sensation … and as I relaxed into Derek's embrace, I wasn't sure if it was the movement of the swing or our intimate proximity … but this was definitely one of those treasured moments._ _ I let the sensation fill me up and take me to another space and time, I was humbled by it as the world slowly came to a halt around me and an invisible vacuum swallowed me up until nothing else mattered._

"_Meredith,"_ came Derek's voice, he sounded very far off, like we were one within each other. The swing continued to move slowly and I listened for his voice once again._"Meredith, look at me,"_ he whispered and I brought my head back up to meet his gaze.

"Hmm, this is a perfect end to this day," I whispered into his neck, kissing him there. He smelled like Derek and scotch … _he smelled like home._

"It is and I … _I don't want to wait for more,_" he said softly, but I felt his breathing hitch in his throat. I abruptly looked up and my eyes met his gaze full of never-ending kindness. He scanned my face with his eyes for a beat longer.

"Derek," I said breathlessly. "What?" I asked and watched as his face softened around the edges.

_He moved his hand to my cheek, his fingers danced along my skin down to my lips. I could tell he was deep in thought as he began to trace the outline of my lips with the pads of his fingers, he pulled my lips apart and closed the small distance between us and began kissing me softly over and over and over again until he tore himself away._

"Meredith – _movement, we're moving_ – the swing, we're also a miracle, us together," he whispered desperately, lost in the moment ... making no sense as his eyes became glassy, he grabbed my face with this hands and kissed me.

"Hmm, what I want to say – _it's not impulsive, but it __is__ honest_ – it comes from here, it's true," he said as he took my hand and placed it on top of his heart, never letting go.

_His muscle clamored in his chest against my palm … whump, whump, whump. _

_I felt my heart rate spike to match his … whump, whump, whump._

_We were in stereo, one to each other, we were okay._

_I stared into his eyes, suddenly unable to even blink, waiting for his velvety smooth voice to break through the noise humming through our bodies._

"Move in with me Meredith, please," he pleaded softly; his glassy, shimmering eyes scanned mine. His voice cracked and I finally blinked.

**Chapter 15 to follow.**


	36. Chapter 15, All I Want is You, Part 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: I love this song, U2 always seems to render me a bit speechless … this song, "All I Want is You" is just one of those perfect ballads. Enjoy, listen if you have the means. Please let me know what you think of this story, thanks. **

**Chapter 15 – All I Want is You**

Lyrics for U2's "All I Want is You":

You say you want  
Diamonds on a ring of gold  
You say you want  
Your story to remain untold

But all the promises we make  
From the cradle to the grave  
When all I want is you

You say you'll give me  
A highway with no one on it  
Treasure just to look upon it  
All the riches in the night

You say you'll give me  
Eyes in a moon of blindness  
A river in a time of dryness  
A harbor in the tempest  
But all the promises we make  
From the cradle to the grave  
When all I want is you

You say you want  
Your love to work out right  
To last with me through the night

You say you want  
Diamonds on a ring of gold  
Your story to remain untold  
Your love not to grow cold

All the promises we break  
From the cradle to the grave  
When all I want is you

You...all I want is...  
You...all I want is...  
You...all I want is...  
You...

* * *

**Chapter 15 – All I Want is You – Part 1 of 2**

"_Move in with me Meredith, please."_

Derek's raspy emotional voice filled any empty spot in my mind. I heard his beautifully delivered request all night long as I tossed and turned … and not with worry, but in anticipation of what was to come for us. Derek didn't recant his request, it wasn't an impulse. He was serious, more serious than I had ever seen him before. Of course he knew I would need time …_time to adjust to the reality of my dreams coming true._

***

_In that moment last night under the dim light of the porch, I stood up and offered my hand to Derek. He laced his fingers in mine and without words we…_

… _stepped inside together…_

… _climbed the stairs together …_

… _showered together …_

… _brushed our teeth side by side …_

… _and finally climbed into bed together._

_I rolled over and lay my head on Derek's pillow. I could see his eyes shining as the dim nighttime shadows danced along the walls of my room. _

"_I'm scared," I confessed softly into the darkness. _

"_I know," he answered with a small smile._

"_I'm committed," I said to declare my intentions._

"_I know, I love you," he said with a smile, drawing me to him._

"_I know … I love __you__," I said smiling, heat creeping up my cheeks as my eyes fell shut and my body became relaxed, warm and protected within the confines of my lover's embrace._

"_I'll wait until you're ready," he said, bending his knee to move his thigh across my hips._

"_I know," I said as I burrowed deeper into the enclave of his body._

"_I'm committed … too," he said, stroking my arm with his warm hand._

"_I know," I said, my eyes still closed._

_As sleep came for me, I heard Derek's soft melodic voice; it was barely there, just above a whisper. "Take as long as you need Meredith, I'll wait. You know, I would wait forever for you, for this dream. And should forever run out … I would still be waiting … __forevermore__."_

***

"_Move in with me Meredith, please."_

Derek's words floated in my head again as my stomach began to turn slightly. I winced, shifting on my feet as I stood in front of my locker, ready to start the day. I pulled a bottle of Pepto-Bismol from the shelf in there and sat down. I felt feverish and ick – _no_ – that was an understatement. I unscrewed the cap from the bottle and took a swig of the pink, chalky tonic. I let it travel down my throat and esophagus to soothe my belly and beyond. But the pit lodged in my stomach only lurched and churned in response.

I felt like I developed a full blown ulcer since I woke up this morning and while my mind was moving a mile a minute thinking about Derek and his thoughtful question … I also knew I still had time before I had to take action. _I knew Derek would wait for me. _I closed my locker, slipped my lab coat on and followed my cohorts into the hallway of the busy hospital. I felt a sharp pain on my right side. I began to walk slower, everyone moving ahead of me as the dull pain moved across my abdomen.

"You alright Dr. Grey?" Bailey boomed softly as I perched myself on a nearby armchair.

"Yeah, Dr. Bailey, I just need to make a choice is all," I said, still unconvinced that my discomfort had anything to do with my impending decision.

So, why all the raging angst in my body … why couldn't I just relax about it? I thought about all the obvious reasons for hedging slightly with taking the next step … our problematic past, _the barely-dry ink on Derek's divorce papers,_ the fact that I had never done this before, _my desire to make a home out of my mother's house_. As my mind wandered into the future, the questions only escalated into a tailspin of quandaries … even what to do about leaving Doc out in the woods all the time by himself raced in and out of my head.

I had to stop this – _my mind from working on overdrive_ – somehow, I had to _stop, pause,_ I needed something to help me step back and take stock of the situation. But nothing seemed to work, not even knowing Derek was in this with me … nothing, because there were even bigger questions, the real reasons to worry … like what if it didn't work out between us? _What if we couldn't live together?_ What if this was the beginning of the end of the dream? _What if this blows up in my face?_ Then what?

"_Move in with me Meredith, please."_

Derek's words permeated my mind still as I looked up and spotted him careening down the hallway towards me. _I felt feverish-anxiety prick my arms and travel all the way up to my neck and heat my entire face._ As I started to stand, a sharp pain seared my lower abdomen and all but disabled me.

"Karev," Derek greeted Alex as he bypassed him quickly to get to me. "Dr. Grey, I am clipping a basilar tip aneurism. Any interest?" he asked smartly with a smile, his face quickly falling as he scanned my eyes with his.

"Meredith," he said, moving closer, his proximity _somehow suddenly suffocated_ me as I felt bile rise up into my throat. He placed his cool hand on my arm to steady me. _I looked up at him, but I had no time left for words._ I grabbed my hair and held it with one hand as the faint aftertaste of the Pepto-Bismol I had ingested flooded into my mouth. _Oh God, my stomach was on fire! _Without further warning I emptied the contents of my stomach all over Derek's shoes.

Beads of sweat formed on my brow, neck and chest, my stomach convulsed in an attempt to cleanse itself again. I heaved – _the pain was severe, intense, dull, ever-present_ – this had to be more, more than just anxiety. Derek was kneeling in front of me when I opened my eyes. I felt saliva collect in my mouth again; I spit the sour residue out.

"Your shoes," I muttered, it was the only thing I could see, the only thing that came to mind as I felt Derek's cool hand on my bare neck.

"You're burning up," he said softly as I stood. He pulled a tissue from his pocket and handed it to me. I put it over my mouth, wiping away the disgust.

"Your shoes," was all I could get out.

Cristina walked up then and handed a cup of water to me, her dark eyes darted in between mine and Derek's. She dropped a wad of paper towels on the floor. Derek began to move them around with his soiled shoes, the rancid smell of my insides, my anxiety wafted up and smothered me.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"I'm fine," I faltered, bringing the cup up to my lips. My hand shook too much though, betraying me without words.

"You don't look fine, people don't throw up when they're fine," Derek said seriously.

"For once I agree with him," Cristina snorted.

"Are you in pain?" Dr. Bailey asked as she approached, her warm brown eyes scanned mine.

"I'm fine, go clip your aneurysm," I said to Derek tightly, the urge to throw up quickly resurfacing deep within my belly.

_I really wanted Derek out of my way – and I couldn't explain this if_ _I tried – but I didn't want him to know that I quite possibly was sick to my stomach at the thought of giving him an answer to his loving question … even with the promise of time, I somehow couldn't relax about giving him an answer._

"You going to be alright?" he asked again, kissing my temple, his lips lingering longer than necessary. I saw Bailey glance at him with a raised brow. "You are hot … and I ah … _I mean that in the medical sense_," he smiled, trying to mask his concern.

_But before I could utter a reply, my stomach heaved again. I shoved the cup of water into Cristina's hands, heat pricked my skin as turned my head away from them and vomited the bile that had collected in my stomach, my abdominal wall scorching with fire that no amount of water or Pepto-Bismol would be able to tamp out. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of the rotten air. This had to be more than anxiety … it had to be._

"Holy crap! Are you pregnant?" I heard Cristina exclaim, my heart rate spiked.

_Derek was at eye level with me again when I opened my eyes, at least his shoes were spared this time. I blinked once, his blue eyes were cloudy with concern … hot fever covered my skin like a cloak as Cristina's question hung in the air. I gripped the hand Derek held out for me and slowly stood up. _

"_Move in with me Meredith, please."_

_His soft voice raced in and out of my head again as he continued to hold my hand and stare at me as if we were frozen in time. My stomach rolled with discomfort, that sharp pain returning on my right side again. I released my hand from his and moved it across my abdomen in response. Derek's eyes darted downward, watching my action. He lifted his gaze again, his head cocked to the side, his eyes intensely locked on mine as he wordlessly tried to calm my wild mind._

"Meredith...," Derek began with what was sure to be a list of assurances.

"Uh uh, you've done enough already, go clip your aneurysm, find us later," Bailey interrupted with no room for argument as I allowed her to move me away from him.

"Meredith...," he called out and I turned around, he reached for my hand. I took it, his fingers felt cool to the touch as heat rose to my cheeks and our bubble came and closed itself around us. _For a split-second, the world actually stopped and it was just us._ "I love you," he said softly.

"I know," I answered with a smile meant just for him because deep down – _pregnant or not, sick to my stomach with worry or not _– that was all I ever wanted or needed to hear.

**Chapter 15 – All I Want is You – Part 2 of 2 to follow.**


	37. Chapter 15, All I Want is You, Part 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: I truly hope you enjoy this part of the chapter, by all means … drop me a line. It would mean more than you know. Thanks.**

**Chapter 15 – All I Want is You – Part 2 of 2**

So, it turns out I wasn't pregnant, which was something Derek and I were both okay with. I was more than okay with it being just the two of us for a while … a long while, and so was he. We talked about it, we didn't avoid, which was truly amazing. I had never had a conversation like that in my life … and I have to say, it was just another benefit to this whole relationship thing … being able to talk about things – _my fears, my wishes, my hopes and dreams_ – had always been hard for me, never having had anyone to depend on before. And now, everything was changing, I had someone and it was incredible.

There were other benefits too – _to not being pregnant_ – it also meant I could be on mega high doses of morphine … enough morphine that the events of the morning quickly became cloud covered – _muted at best_ – impressions and mutations I was secretly thankful for at the moment.

I closed my eyes and let the medicine suffuse itself in my body, I let it find my appendix and mask my pain. I felt warm and numb as my heart eased into a more normal rhythm … I was finally alone for the first time in hours. Derek was in surgery, where he should be. He and Bailey volleyed for control over the timing of my surgery, both looking out for my best interests in their own ways. Derek of course wanted to be free and available to focus on my needs and Bailey of course just wanted to crack me open to fix me up. In the end they would both get their wishes in a couple of hours.

I opened my eyes and took stock of the bleak surroundings of my room. Not much here was aesthetically pleasing, despite the morphine and the enticement of daytime television. I pushed on the self-medicate button one more time for good measure. _Even if nothing was dripping into my tube it made me feel better to have some control, some say in what was happening._ I closed my eyes and let sleep come for me, even a twilight slumber would be welcome, although I had a feeling a much deeper sleep would invade me soon.

I let my mind drift to Derek … I was relieved that the pain in my stomach was appendicitis and not some kind of fanatical ulcer caused by my growing anxiety over Derek's request for me to move in with him. _In due time, I knew I would be able to commit to that,_ _to him._ It's just all so new and special and wondrous – _our relationship, that is_ – and deep down, I didn't think I was ready for it to be _ordinary domestic bliss_ … _yet_. I just wanted the thrill of building a relationship with Derek, hell I wanted to relish in the here and now for a moment and just let myself come to terms that we're together and happy.

I truly wanted to take things slow this time, I wanted to build something with Derek – _a future, a life _– all I wanted was him. I wanted to chase the dream with him and that is supposed to take time, right?

_***_

_And so I sank deeper into my drug-induced state of sleep and let my body press into the meager hospital bed. I pulled the thin, starchy sheet up to my chest and slipped my arms underneath it, for now that my fever was reduced, I was suddenly chilled to the bone. As I lay relaxed into the moment, my body became heavy, my bones saturated, my nerves frayed … my mind was somehow white and blank, yet black and full at the same time. _

_Within that deep white blackness of my subconscious, I heard the Chief's unmistakable voice, it was muffled at best, maybe he was just outside my room. I tried to pry my heavy eyelids open, but I was so damn tired, I just listened instead._

"_She's resting comfortably now," he said._

"_Honey? We're right here," came the pitch of a sing song voice I hadn't heard before. _

"_Oh. Oh. There you are, Susan," came a soft, ambiguous voice, a voice I could not place, but one I had heard before._

"_You can tell him … I roared a little. Couldn't help it, it's the mother lion within … so… roar," she said with a chuckle._

"_Oh. Oh, well, I knew you would. Uh...," the familiar voice trailed off, hesitant again._

"_Oh well, Susan, you're um … entitled to, well actually you … so …,"the Chief's voice trailed off, his tone laced with uncertainty this time. "Are you aware of what's going on with Ellis?" came the Chief's more serious tone again._

"_You have no right. No right to talk to me about Ellis," came the all of a sudden recognizable voice._

_My heart rate spiked. A pit rolled in my stomach as I dared myself to open my eyes and face him, my father … and demand to know why he was here. _

"_I'm sorry. But I was trying to talk to you about Meredith," the Chief sighed. "Listen lets talk in my office," he continued. I heard their retreating footsteps and then all was quiet again._

_I felt my muscles relax with the threat of that confrontation halted for now. I can only presume Richard called Thatcher, although for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why. Derek's here! Cristina's here! I don't need anyone else! I knew my mother wouldn't have wanted him to make that call. I could only presume it had something to do with the guilt he carried with him for the last twenty years. _

_I sighed, still unwilling to open my eyes. For some very odd reason, maybe it was the morphine, maybe it was just perspective, maybe I was just growing up … whatever the reason, I decided I had to let it go. For some time now, I had known I was just a byproduct of my parents … a bystander to their mistakes and that __they__ should own those mistakes, __not me__. _

_There was nothing I could do to change my personal history or give back the childhood I had. I simply had to let go if I wanted to move on … and I so desperately wanted to … move on, move in … move on … move in._

_I smiled inwardly and felt poised to take that leap … and then I did it …. I let it all go, all my childhood angst melted away into nothingness – morphine or not – it was gone and I could finally rest in peace._

_It was true, drug-induced sleep was wondrous because the world was kind of muted and big things didn't seem to matter as much anymore. There was suddenly humor in everything and that weightless floating feeling I loved so much came back and filled me up … made me feel loopy, like I was on an E-Ride at Disneyland … up, down, turn around, up down, up and down, turn around and around and around and around. _

_The white dreamy feeling I embodied slowly mutated into a dull gray area … and then I knew uninterrupted sleep would come for me, so I settled back into the crude hospital bed, pressed on my self-medicate button and let the blackness of sleep swallow me up._

***

I was not sure if minutes or hours had passed, but my bones felt stiff and cold as I arrived at the outer perimeter of my subconscious. The stale, clinical air moved around me, in and out of the strategically-placed air vents all over my room. I opened my eyes slowly and found Cristina sitting on a nearby chair to the right of my bed. I shifted slightly and she looked up from her journal.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey," I answered; my voice scratchy. I squinted allowing my eyes to adjust to the bright, harsh lighting.

"You have about an hour until you're up," she offered noncommittally.

"Who's going in with Bailey?" I asked; blinking hard, _once, twice_ … something was off.

"George," she scoffed.

And there it was, she probably just wanted my surgery, the mind of a surgical intern was always on the game, just because it was my surgery would make in any different in her eyes, at least I didn't think it would.

"Hmm, how apropos," I said with a chuckle.

"How so?" she asked.

"Considering I was the only one who bet that he would pull off his first appendectomy with Burke –"

"A bet that you lost badly, so much for loyalty!" she said incredulously. I smiled, her eyes darted around mine though. Something was still up with her.

"Is Burke okay?" I asked.

"Better than okay, Shepherd cleared him for the OR," she said, a small tight smile gracing her porcelain veneer.

"Great, that's great," I said softly.

"Speaking of Shepherd," she said pointedly, laying her journal down in her lap.

On command, I felt a twinge of dull pain cover my abdomen again. I reached over and pressed on the self-medicate button ... _my new friend in avoidance._ I felt Cristina's eyes on me, probably making a mental note of my weakness.

"Yes," I said, locking my eyes on hers. I still hadn't told her about Derek asking me to move in with him and I wondered for a moment if maybe he had said something to her first, which would be bad, I think. _Very bad._

"I was reviewing your chart before and I saw that he is your medical power of attorney," she said stiffly. _"Derek's your person Meredith?_ _Are you fucking kidding me?"_ she hissed.

_My heart responded to her outburst immediately – thump, thump, thump – like charging wild horses raging against my chest. My mind however was working slower and was not prepared for this discussion. Her outrage was somehow muted by the morphine, which only propelled me to tell her the truth without thinking about the consequences or choosing my words carefully. And before I could stop myself, I heard my voice._

"Look, I had to get my mother off of that form, she's no use to me," I said, my eyes began to well up, my heart jumped. "And after what happened to Burke, I felt like I was out of time. I asked Derek – _it wasn't an impulse, he's my choice_ – I'm doing this thing with him, Cristina," I said evenly. Her small dark eyes revealed no true emotion. "What if you didn't have anyone, _for this specific purpose_, wouldn't Burke be your logical choice?" I asked.

"I suppose so," she said evenly. "I just can't believe you asked him," she said with a small amount of judgment, her voice monotone, devoid of any emotion.

"What's so hard to believe Cristina? It was either him or you, _I chose him_," I said, perhaps a bit too strongly."I'm not trying to cause problems for you and me, it's just that Derek you know, _he finally chose me_ and I trust him Cristina and I want him to know that," I huffed. "I needed him to know I trust and love him. He saw me through _and you might not understand this_, but I'm committed to him," I said, my stomach on fire again.

_And can I just say again how happy I am that I'm on drugs right now? Because this was much worse, much worse than not having a chance to tell her about Derek's proposal, __question__ … his question! This was much worse. Was she ever gonna blink again? _

_But she only stared at me still. Her mind obviously working over everything I had just said, but her face gave nothing away, she looked like she just had a round of Botox and she was trying to keep her face at rest. I sighed and lay back into the bed, I pressed my self-medicate button again, come on avoidance, come and get me! I looked into her eyes again, trying to read her, damn it, she was impossible, and stubborn._

_I hated when she did this – sat across from me in a stalemate – because I could never read her. She would make an excellent poker player. I pressed my finger down hard on the self-medicate button, leaving it there – medicate, medicate, medicate – I pleaded to my make believe God! Make her empty eyes go away … I tried willing this moment to disappear, willing myself to pass out, willing something to happen. _

And just when I thought I was gonna pass out or start begging Cristina to yell at me (_because yelling would be better than just sitting and staring_) … my _something_ happened.

_Derek came waltzing into my room like a breath of fresh air._ _His eyes calm and relaxed, instantly locked on mine, soothing me without a single word spoken._

"Hi," he said, gliding up to the foot of my bed. He pulled my chart out, before coming around to the left side of my bed. He looked up at Cristina. "Yang," he nodded.

"Shepherd," she said tightly.

He leaned over the small railing and kissed my temple. He smelled like antibacterial soap and aftershave. I released my hold on the self-medicate button and grasped his hand instead, secretly hoping his touch would soothe my angst.

"You okay?" he asked, scanning my eyes with his, no doubt making mental notes on his first impression of me.

"Yes," I said softly.

"Well let's see," he chuckled. "Your complexion is flushed. Abdominal wall is tender," he reached down and pressed lightly on my belly with his warm fingers. "Aren't you happy to have a boyfriend who works in the hospital?" he teased, reaching up to cover my bare shoulder with the nightgown thingy I was sporting.

"Yes," I said softly.

Derek lowered the bed railing and sat down. "Are you in any pain?" he whispered.

"No," I said as he inched closer, my eyes darted to Cristina but she was in another space and time, still staring.

"Good," he said, moving my hair away from my face, his eyes glistening against the fluorescent lights. "Because, I can't have that – _you in pain_ – _I can't tolerate it_," he said seriously before pressing his lips to my forehead. "You look beautiful," he said, his hot breath fanned my neck, his voice raspy with stifled emotion, his warm hand resting on my forearm.

"_Meredith, I'll see you afterwards,"_ came Cristina's voice from outside our invisible sanctuary; she was almost at the door.

"Yeah, okay," I said. She turned to leave. "Hey Cristina?" I called after her. "I'm in this thing, okay, I'm committed and … um, I need Derek for a lot in my life, but you're still my person," I said, locking my eyes on hers. Derek squeezed my arm. I noticed she looked better, I think, not so catatonic.

"I know, I get it, I get it," she said softly and then slipped out.

"What was that about?" Derek asked.

"She saw that you are my person, _my medical person_, she was upset but I'm not convinced it was because she was offended," I said, Derek smiled slightly. He squeezed my arm again. "I don't know, something happened there, it was almost like she didn't think I had the balls to ask you – _to choose you –_ she can't fully commit to Burke, so she can't get me, ugh … _it doesn't matter_," I chuckled.

"Hmm, she'll come around," Derek offered, lacing his fingers through mine, startled, he looked up. "Your hand is freezing, are you cold?" he asked, taking both my hands in his, trying to warm them.

"Yes, all I'm wearing is this flimsy thing," I said, raising my brow.

"I know, don't remind me," he teased as he stood. "Just the way your shoulder keeps popping out of the neck of that thing is driving me nuts," he said as he opened the small closet and grabbed a blanket. He opened the blanket and covered me with it. He sat down on the side of the bed again, his eyes twinkled.

"Better?" he asked.

"Much," I said.

"Not too much longer now," he said, peeking down at his watch. He leaned down and cupped my face in his hands. "What am I gonna do with you?" he asked, before ducking his head down to kiss me, gently on my cold lips, just enough for me to know he was there.

"Something that will have to wait until I've recovered, no doubt," I teased.

"Hmm, I can't wait," he said, kissing me once more before moving his lips down to my collarbone and then back up to my earlobe, then covering my lips with his once more_._

"I know, I know and then, then we'll see about …," I said looking into his eyes, but before I could finish my thought, I heard another familiar voice.

"Dr. Shepherd, can you _not_ give this woman an inch of space without having to smell her?" Bailey boomed, but her face betrayed her, she was amused. "Meredith, lets get you prepped and ready, _that is if Dr. Shepherd here is done with his examination of your tonsils!_" she snickered.

"What, seriously?" Derek chuckled as he turned to her.

"Don't look at me like that! And get the dirty out of your eyes!" she teased as we all chuckled.

"You ready?" she asked me.

"As I'll ever be," I said, finding it hard not to smile.

***

A little more than an hour later, I lay on the table in the OR. Derek agreed to wait in the scrub room and insisted The Gallery be closed, a condition I was secretly thankful for.

I looked up into the darkened Gallery and realized just how different it was to be on the table and not looking down upon it. The room was sterile and cold – _two facts surgeons love_ – but the patients, not so much. I took a deep breath of the cool air; _it was hard and unforgiving like a callous._ I pushed it down into my belly anyway and tried to hold it there.

_In an interesting paradox, my vulnerability made me feel insignificant (small even) as I lay here, but at the same time, I also knew I was the most significant person in the room … I was the patient after all. _

I had never had major surgery before and while an appendectomy was run-of-the-mill as surgery goes – _there were risks, unforeseen circumstances, accidents, mistakes, and unexpected complications_ – all thoughts someone in my position, the person strapped to the table should not be thinking about. It's been proven that there was certain validity to the power of positive thinking. Maybe I should try it.

_This was a simple surgery._

_My appendix had not yet ruptured._

_I will wake up and Derek will be there waiting for me._

_George could do it._

_Bailey would be with him._

_I have a strong heart, no other complications will arise._

_I will wake up and Derek will be there waiting for me._

_This was a simple surgery._

As my brain touched on each of my thoughts for a fraction of a second, the ceiling above me became fuzzy around the edges. I blinked and those tears flooded out of my eyes and traveled down my face, to my neck and then back to the base of my skull. I couldn't wipe them away, my arms were already strapped down – _the tears were cold and harsh_ – yet another reminder of my vulnerability. A nurse came over and placed a warm blanket across my legs and feet. The heat traveled up my body and for a split-second, _I felt at peace_. George was in here somewhere. I craned my neck over to the back and left to find him, but instead focused on Bailey and Derek. She was talking with him while scrubbing in.

_They would put me under soon. _

_I would wake up and Derek would be waiting for me. All I wanted was that moment. It was a moment in the future to fixate on … all I wanted was to open my eyes and see Derek again after this … all I wanted was Derek. _

And then there was no doubt in my mind as I lay here – _strapped down while watching the man I love, place an encouraging hand on my surgeon's shoulder_ – that I wanted to live with Derek immediately.

I continued to watch as my lover's words made Dr. Bailey's serious brown eyes soften for a flicker – _just a moment_ – before she looked back to him and nodded. His eyes sparkled, _not in the way they did for me of course_, but they did, they sparkled with confidence and encouragement or _something_. So yes, there was no doubt in my mind … I wanted to live with Derek. I watched as Dr. Bailey pressed on the automatic door sensor with her elbow and entered the OR leaving my lover behind.

_They would put me under soon. _

_My mind was unexpectedly flooded with an urgent range of thoughts … fear crippled me and I wanted to jump off this table and into Derek's arms. What if I never got a chance to tell Derek I wanted to live with him, to make it with him, what if this was the end of the second chance?_

_Accidents happen. _

_Was my number up?_

_Mistakes are made._

_Was the dream over?_

The anesthesiologist peered down to me. Normally I would say he had kind eyes, normally I would say he looked confident, normally I would remember his fucking name, but at the moment, all I wanted to do was escape from him!

"Dr. Grey," he placed his warm hand on my shoulder. "When Dr. Bailey gives me the go-ahead, I'm going to ask you to count backwards for me from ten, okay?" he asked softly, his grey, cloudless eyes scanned mine.

_But my mind was blank, I couldn't reply!_

_Nope, no way mister!_

_Doctor whatever-your-name-is!_

_Not going to happen!_

_I need Derek first! _

"_Dr. Bailey!"_ I heard myself screech into the quiet room.

"Dr. Grey, Meredith, what is it?" she asked, at my side in a flash.

"I need to tell Derek something …," I looked into her calm eyes. "I need to, before I start counting backwards, I need to tell him something!" I said, desperately searching her eyes, wanting to sit up and reach for her.

_I craned my neck backwards and saw Derek furiously scrubbing in – he locked his gaze on mine and I was lost – lost in the sea of bliss he offered to me with just one look. It would be okay, I would be able to say it, make it right, just in case God-forbid this should be the end of it for me, I needed him to know … I needed him to know._

"Meredith, can it wait?" Dr. Bailey asked softly, her gaze following mine.

"No, it can't, and I know this is unorthodox – _I know you had your game face on and everything –_ I get it, but I need him now, no it can't wait," I said desperately. I felt her warm hand on my shoulder.

"You need a moment, I get it, we all need those, here he comes," she said true to form and stepped away.

"Meredith, Meredith, okay," Derek said as he leaned down, placing his hands on my shoulders. "I'm here," he said, his eyes bright and shiny, his hot breath warmed me up.

"I want to move forward before I count backwards Derek!" I said desperately now, still unable to move my eyes from his.

"What … okay," he said with a small smile.

"Before they do this, before I count backwards – _I want to move forward _– I want to let go of the past, my history, my everything … I just want you," I said as he became fuzzy. I blinked.

"I want you too Meredith, you know that," he said, trying to soothe me more with his eyes than his words. He reached over and flicked my small tears away.

"I know but I want to move in with you," I said quickly. "My answer is yes! Yes, and it's not because of this surgery or fear – _it's not an impulse_ – it's because I want it, we're strong together," I said, my heart began to simmer down. "I want to move in with you – _actually I want you to move in with me _– so will you … _move in with me Derek, please_," I pleaded softly, finally repeating the words that had been filling my mind up since he uttered them to me last night.

"Yes, yes," he said softly and a flash of something _so beautiful_ flickered across his eyes, it almost took my breath away.

"Thank God," was all I could say before Derek leaned down and kissed my lips, just a flutter, just enough.

"I love you," he whispered into my ear, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand straight up.

_And as he pulled away, I could tell everything was going to be okay, that our life together was about to begin. I blinked and his beautiful blue eyes told me so … they were full of promise and our future and … new beginnings. _

_The dream of our second chance was within our reach now … it was there for the taking, I had to learn to trust that it was ours … that it was ours to chase … that it was ours to live and now … now … it seemed all I had to do was_ _close my eyes and start counting backwards from ten. _

_Ten, nine, eight, seven, six …_

**Chapter 16 to follow.**


	38. Chapter 16, Lullaby, Part 1 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: God, I love this song, it could be the best song The Dixie Chicks have recorded so far, if you have the means, I urge you to find it and listen while you read. **

**Chapter 16 – Lullaby**

Lyrics for "Lullaby" from The Dixie Chicks:

They didn't have you where I come from  
Never knew the best was yet to come  
Life began when I saw your face  
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved  
Is forever enough, is forever enough  
How long do you want to be loved  
Is forever enough  
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep  
To hold you close and feel your breath on me  
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do  
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved  
Is forever enough, is forever enough  
How long do you want to be loved  
Is forever enough  
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world  
In search of all things beautiful  
You can close your eyes when you're miles away  
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved  
Is forever enough, is forever enough  
How long do you want to be loved  
Is forever enough  
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved  
Is forever enough, is forever enough  
How long do you want to be loved  
Is forever enough  
Cause I'm never, never giving you up  
Is forever enough  
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

* * *

**Chapter 16 – Lullaby – Part 1 of 2 **

For the third morning in a row I woke up with Derek wrapped around me and I gotta say, a girl could get used to this, _I could get used to this._ I opened my eyes and watched as the early morning shadows _danced the waltz_ along the four walls of my room … _our room_. The air smelled musty, like nighttime … _it still smelled like us._

It was a curious thing that happened yesterday, we came upstairs after taking a short walk together and as I opened my bedroom door I was hit with this overpowering scent of Derek; my room smelled different … _my room smelled like he had moved in. _And as sure as I was that eventually this aroma would become second nature – _part of my natural landscape_ – at the moment, I was happier than hell to breathe it in every chance I got, for it was a reminder, a subtle, but beautiful reminder.

I ran my hands over the bare skin of Derek's warm back – _sure I wanted him to sleep, I knew he __needed__ sleep_ – but it was just so much more fun with him awake I couldn't resist. I rubbed his back again._ My lover, my love stirred in his sleep, burrowing deeper into my neck … his fingers floating over my collarbone, his mouth opening against my neck._ Reflexively, he moved his knee down and away from the small three-inch scar on my right side. I smiled; his moving away from my wound in his sleep was just further proof that I was right … _that he had become borderline-obsessed with my scar since my surgery._ A stance he would strongly argue against if he were awake to defend himself. He stirred again, squeezing me gently.

"Good morning," I said softly into his hair.

"Good morning," he said gruffly into my neck, kissing me there. "I was having a good dream," he whispered before kissing me again, delving deeper into the crease of my neck.

"What kind of dream?" I asked, shifting under his weight.

"Well, it wasn't actually a dream," he said before he rolled off of me and opened his eyes to find mine.

"It wasn't?" I asked, taking his hand in mine and placing it on over my heart, his eyes softened on impact.

"Nope," he said, leaning down to pump my lips, _once, twice. _"Hmm, it wasn't," he said, kissing me again. "Because I was doing this," he said before pumping my lips again. "And this," he said before tossing the covers back and positioning his body on top of my legs. He moved down my body and lifted my tee shirt up – _looking up_ – his mischievous eyes bore into mine. "And this," he said as he softly ran the pads of his fingers over my scar, I sucked in a deep breath, my spine tingled. _"And this … isn't a dream,"_ he said before kissing my healing flesh. _"This is my reality,"_ he said hoarsely; as he hovered over me for a split second before leaning down to kiss me fully on my lips.

_I ran my fingertips along his muscular chest down to his abdomen and he moaned in response, his eyes never leaving mine. And in that moment, he looked like some kind of God of sex or lust, who was that Eros? Hmm, the way the light bounced off this man's body in the morning … yeah, it's definitely more fun when he's awake._

I smiled. "Hmm, tell me more," I said into his mouth – _his last statement on instant-replay in my head_ – his hot breath warming me up from the outside in.

"I can't," he said, moving to my side again, he leaned up to cradle his head in his palm. He placed his free hand on my wound – _his eyes flickered _– I laced my fingers through his and felt my cheeks dust with raspberries instantaneously. "Because you woke me up," he pouted, and I laughed.

"Guilty as charged," I said. "You should thank me, you were dreaming and now you're awake, with me … _in my bed,_" I teased, purposely batting my lashes … my skin pricking with heat from my words.

Derek pulled the covers back up and then moved his hand up to my face and pushed some hair away from my eyes. He stared at me for a split-second, _almost like a duel_, a game of who was gonna move first. "You know what says _'thank you'_ like nothing else?" he husked with a winning smile.

"No," I said, wondering what was up his sleeve.

"Come closer," he whispered and I obliged, rolling into him a little more. _"Sex,"_ he said thickly into my ear, before grabbing my earlobe with his lips and sucking on it _hard_. His free hand came to rest on my breast, my nipple rose from his touch through the thin fabric of my tee. I reflexively plunged my hands into his messy hair, bringing his mouth down hard on mine.

"Hmm, sex … I want it too, we can try it slow," I said into his mouth, holding his scalp in my hands as he lapped and lapped and lapped at my tongue.

"Slow … hmm I want you, but we should wait – _few more days_ – tops," Derek said seriously as he pulled back gently from my mouth.

"I'm still sore, _I'm no fun_," I pouted, turning to rest my head on his chest. Derek moved his hand up and down my back. _I sighed into his bare skin, I really did want sex._

"You're still fun … soon, soon," he chuckled; I think to encourage us both. He kissed the top of my head; heat fanned my neck all the way down my spine to my ass. "So, since I'm not gonna get lucky, can I go back to sleep now?" he teased, kissing my head through my hair again.

"You _are_ lucky, Derek!" I exclaimed, deliberately popping my head up to look at him.

"I know and I'm not going back to sleep …," he said seriously, his eyes darted around mine. "Actually I was thinking about heading out to the trailer today; take a little time to –"

"Take some space, you need time to yourself?" I asked, thinking out loud about how inseparable we had been lately. "You should go … clear your head," I encouraged, answering my own question … _even though I secretly never ever wanted to give him up._

"Not without you, I'm not," he said with a chuckle. "What I was going to say was, I should take some time to pack up some of my things while we're both off, you could nap while I get the job done," he said before kissing my temple with his warm soft lips. "If you're up to the trip, I would love your company," he said, his eyes sparkling against the dim morning light.

"I am," I said, resting my head in the crook of his neck. "I could get used to this, waking up with you," I said, caressing his ribs with my fingertips, _already lost in the dream of my nap in the trailer in the middle of nowhere._

"Me too," I heard him say as I closed my eyes briefly, letting myself get lost in the moment and Derek's warm embrace. He moved his hand up and down my arm and I moved my hand up, resting it on his collarbone. I inhaled a deep breath of our air and let the steady sound of his heartbeat relax me.

"Meredith," Derek said softly.

"Don't ask me to move yet," I whined.

"I won't," he chuckled. "But what are we going to do about Doc?" he asked and my eyes popped open.

I leaned up quickly and as I did I felt my abdomen tear slightly from my movement … it gave out completely. "Ouch! Shit!" I yelped and instinctually rolled away from Derek into a fetal position.

"_Meredith, Meredith,"_ I heard his desperate voice, he seemed really far away all of a sudden, but I couldn't open my eyes yet.

_I felt him move around me, and then felt his large hand cover my hip bone. His weight pressed on the edge of the bed, causing me to roll into him gently as he knelt there. I squeezed my eyes shut tight – my abdomen was inflamed – a spark of pain radiated from the outer perimeter of my wound inward, it felt like pins and needles. I knew this could happen … it was supposed to take weeks to feel up to one-hundred percent and so far I felt pretty good. I was supposed to be back to work in two days and it had been decent recovery … except when I pulled the muscles too much. _

"I'm okay," I stuttered, my eyes still closed as heat burned my cheeks and a light film of sweat covered my face, neck and brow. Despite my words, I felt sick to my stomach, my abdomen hummed with pain that reverberated all around my body there and into my hip and back muscles. _Damn it!_

"Do you think you can sit up?" Derek asked.

"Yep, yeah," I said, knowing movement would be best. I felt Derek's arms around me as he sat me up. He was on his knees in front of me, my legs on either side of his ribcage. He placed one of his hands on my wound, just holding it there, maybe trying to dull the pain like a healer or something … funny _enough, most of the time it worked._

"You okay?" he asked. His face was flushed and he scanned my eyes with his, a small encouraging smile played along his lips.

"I think so," I said, resting my hands on his broad shoulders. I focused on his eyes for a moment and moved my hand down to rest on top of his; I let my heart calm down. "So, what do _you_ think we should do about Doc?" I asked.

"I say we go visit him today and talk with Finn about what might be best for him, clearly battling it out with the 'coons was no good, and with no one ever home here, I'm not sure –"

"_He's our dog, Derek_. We can just give him up," I sighed, my chest tightening more and more with each passing second, my abdomen still on fire.

He sighed and looked up into my eyes. "I know, I know he is," he said. We stared at each other for another moment – _my_ _mind swirled with an untamed range of thoughts on the subject_ – for I knew we had a decision to make.

"Why did you get Doc?" Derek whispered; his gaze fixed on mine. I felt his breath stagger and I looked down gently. "Go ahead, you can tell me," he said, his voice cracking. He placed his hands on my thighs and I kept my eyes trained on his beautiful surgeon's fingers.

"I needed him, I needed _something_ … _someone _after you went back to Addison," I said truthfully, my eyes pricked with tears.

"Cristina yelled at me," he blurted out and I looked at him. "The day you brought him out to the trailer … she let me have it … _she said I drove you to get a dog you couldn't keep," _he chuckled and shook his head in shame._ "And now, do you know what I always think about when I see Doc?"_ he asked, his own tears threatening to fall.

"Derek?" I said, trying to lock my eyes on his, trying to make him focus on me before we both became too blurred around the edges.

"I see _you_ and how fragile and lonely and sad you were the night you brought him out to live with me … _you were so brave," _he cried._ "_To face me, to come out there, with Addison there … _damn it_," he heaved; his sorrow more than evident. "And at the time, I deserved it – _I deserved that horrific reminder, you were a shell of yourself because of me_ – so I deserved it because I still loved you and I was a coward because I _knew_ my heart wouldn't give you up," he said through his tears.

"Oh Derek," I shushed. "Don't … just don't," I persisted as we leaned into each other and he gently snaked his hands around my lower back. He buried his head into my chest and I tried to soothe him, his wild locks tickled my neck and I felt him relax into me.

"Meredith, do you still _need_ Doc?" he asked barely above a whisper as he buried his nose into my neck, _my heart fluttered around the true meaning of his question._

"No, I don't _need_ him, but I _want_ him, yes …," I answered softly.

"You love him?" he asked.

"Yes, of course," I answered.

"Then let him go with me … lets set him free," he said as he pulled out of our embrace. "Lets talk to Finn about finding him somewhere to live where he won't be alone all the time," he said with encouragement.

"But he won't be with us," I said, stating the obvious, for I had this strong allegiance to Doc and even though he hadn't been my dog for that long … _he saved me, in some different way, he taught me to love when my heart just couldn't._

"Hmm, thankfully you found him and he filled a void – _for both of us_ – and he's done his job, don't be sad, lets at least ask Finn," he suggested. "It's not right that he's by himself all the time," he sighed; I reached down and wiped his old tears from his face with my thumbs.

"Okay, okay," I agreed and Derek kissed me fully on my mouth.

"You know I love him too, I'm just trying to do what's best," Derek said as he reached up and cradled my skull in his hands. "I love you Meredith," he muttered and on his words, I leaned into him and kissed my lover over and over and over again until I was dizzy and lost in the moment.

"Why don't you shower and I'll call Finn," Derek said with a small smile after a minute. I smiled too, we both knew this was going to be hard for me, _letting go of Doc again somehow felt like letting go of an old trusted coping mechanism._

"Do you want to stand?" Derek asked as he started to stand up.

"Yeah," I said as helped me stand up in his embrace.

"How's it feel?" he asked, snaking his arms low around my back.

"Okay, better," I said, the pain more bearable now, dull, muted. I reached up to peck his lips. I held onto him tightly and just let him hold me. With Derek's arms circling around me, _I felt protected and loved and accepted_. My heart began to simmer down and I could have easily stayed in this moment … _forever._

Derek sighed. _"I could stay here, in the here and now, forever – in this room with you – where it's just me and you,"_ he confessed into my hair and I believed him.

"Me too," I said as he turned with me in his arms and we began to walk across the cool hardwood floor to the bathroom.

Derek closed the door behind us and I watched as he started the shower and turned around. Steam began to fill the small bathroom almost immediately. "Nice and hot, just how you like it," he smirked.

"Thanks, you'll never tire of that joke, will you?" I asked and he just shook his head. "And before you ask, I don't need any help … _I'd like to actually shower today_," I teased as I leaned down and gingerly pulled my yoga pants off.

"I bet you would," he husked as he took two large steps and was standing in front of me within seconds.

_Where he wasted no time before he kissed me, smoothing my wild hair down away from my face – the humid air flirting with my skin, only warming me up even faster – as I dipped my tongue into his mouth and found my hands on his pajama bottoms. I pulled the tie and they dropped to his feet. He laid his hands gently on my ass cheeks and pulled me closer to him. I moaned in response as his semi-flaccid cock bobbed against my belly. Wasting no time now, he tugged gently at my tee shirt and pulled it over my head. Without breaking our kiss, his hands found my breasts and he ran the pads of his thumbs over my nipples … they hardened on command as he continued his assault on my mouth. I was rewarded …a sharp zing pierced my clit, pulse, pulse, pulse._

"Have I told you, you look ... good without an appendix. It suits you," he husked, pulling back, he sized me up.

"You have said this before, yes," I smirked as he pulled me even closer. His cock swept across my abdomen and I was a goner. _Hmm, I wanted him._

"Sure you don't want company?" he asked thickly into my ear, no doubt sensing my weakening resolve.

"Hmm, I should say yes, but I can't, I always want you with me," I said hotly into his mouth as he kicked off his pants and walked me backwards towards the shower.

_Derek held my hand as I stepped into the misty warm water carefully, he followed suit. Without words we lathered each other, washed each other and held each other as our minds drifted together and apart in wonder at all that had happened to get us to this moment. The hot shower cleansed us and melded us and suffused us to each other all over again … just as it did every morning since he came home with me … to stay. _

_Like I said, a girl could get used to this … yeah, I could get used to this._

**Chapter 16 – Lullaby – Part 2 of 2 to follow.**


	39. Chapter 16, Lullaby, Part 2 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks for your time and comments, enjoy and by all means, let me know what you think as you read on!**

**Chapter 16 – Lullaby – Part 2 of 2**

We exited the car shortly after the ferryboat started to move away from the docks. I zipped my jacket up and shrugged my shoulders in defense against the salty wind. Derek pulled a black wool cap from his jacket pocket and covered my skull with it.

"Cute," he smirked. My extra wild hair whipped around my face and he smiled.

He took my hand and laced his long fingers through mine as we walked slowly to the helm. It was bright, not too overcast as Seattle days go. _The air was cold and fresh, raw and innate … it was fascinating how sometimes the salt water and the sky could be the same color … it was like that today, everything meshed together perfectly._ Derek and I hadn't really talked after leaving Finn's office, but Doc seemed good, healthy, happy … everything I could wish for. He was not rabid, which of course was a tremendous relief.

"_Are you terribly sad?"_ Derek asked as he stood behind me with his hands on the railing in front of us, essentially boxing me in. I put my one hand on top of his and turned to look at him via my peripheral vision. _The cool, salty air assaulted me, waking me up to answer his question._

Derek looked out on to the bay; his blue eyes scanned the water. I kissed the underside of his neck and I inhaled his familiar scent as it whipped into my nose with the current of the wind. _His strong features were etched with concern as he looked down and scrutinized my eyes … I smiled, it seemed we both were checking on each other._ He ducked his head down and to the left and kissed my temple with his cool lips.

"I'm not sad," I lied into the quiet space between us. The boat moved swiftly over the current and I gripped his hand to steady myself before I turned around to face him, the metal railing against my back. "I'm not, but Derek … we walked away. _We walked away from him_. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe he's happy," I said trying desperately to convince myself. I kept my eyes trained on his.

"He seemed happy to me," Derek said in recollection. He reached down and ran his cool fingers along my cheek. I leaned into his touch. He snaked his arms low around my waist.

"He's got Finn there and Finn has got a lot to deal with, right? Doc will be good for Finn like he was for us …_we're being adults_, this is what's best for Doc, right?" I asked Derek pushing through the thoughts that swirled in my head.

"I think so, yes and it was Finn's idea," Derek sighed, breathing into my hair.

"Then why do I feel so sad and guilty?" I asked the obvious questions.

"You said you didn't feel sad," Derek squeezed my left side and I smiled. "I knew you were," he chuckled softly.

"No, you asked me if I was _terribly_ sad," I teased.

"Oh and you're not?" he asked.

"Not _terribly_, no … but he was a good dog, he was good to me," I said as I squinted around the bright gray light from the sky to find his eyes.

"Yes he was, and we can visit him anytime. _Finn's gonna take good care of him for us_," Derek assured me again as I held on for dear life and let his warmth cover me like the sun on a summer day. I let his confidence in letting go of Doc –_my beloved savior_ – fill me up because I needed to and I wanted to let go. Deep down I knew it was the right thing to do, but I also felt like I was casting my safety net away.

_It was hard to let go … of old dreams, old crutches … of the past … of the things that used to matter most. I shivered at the thought, old habits die hard, I guess._

"C'mon, lets get back to the car and warm you up," Derek suggested. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we went.

The ferryboat docked and we were on our way to the trailer. The tires moved over the ferryboat threshold – _clank, clank_ – and I felt like I did each time I had made this crossover… _like we were embarking on a journey, walking on the wild side, dreaming big._ I sighed and Derek smiled.

Part of me wondered how much we would come out here once Derek moved in with me. It was something I was curious about and I was glad it came up this morning when we let Izzie and George know about our plans. Izzie brought the topic up, rattling off a bunch of inconsequential questions to Derek about the land while she ate her pancakes and I listened with interest, of course. I always presumed Derek bought the land as an escape mechanism or a coping device when he came out to Seattle …_ a bold uncharacteristic move for the Derek Shepherd from New York. One that said 'fuck you'! 'So there'! _But he surprised me by saying he'd always envisioned building a home out here. And I have to say, it was an inspiring idea …this piece of land, this space, it's magical –_ it's like a small slice of heaven in the middle of an alternate universe – _like I've said, time can really stop out here.

We rounded the corner to the small drive within the property limits and I could see the trailer gleam against the gray sky, I smiled. We made our way there and Derek stopped the car and turned the ignition off. _I turned to look at him and he sighed and turned to look at me … without another word he smiled and exited the car._ I got out of the car and Derek smiled without a care again and I couldn't help but smile back. _His eyes just sparkled … he looked so damn happy and I have to say it was pretty much contagious._

_Derek took my hand and we walked towards the makeshift porch steps. Outside of our intruding footsteps crackling over the old leaves and earth, there wasn't another incongruous sound to be heard._ _It was_ _only a place for Mother Nature's serenade – the wind gently danced through the trees, the birds called to one another – the water could be seen but not heard. It was truly perfect, simple, natural and peaceful …it was like a dream._

_I stopped and looked up briefly to catch a glimpse of the old Douglas firs. There was something magical or spiritual about them too, just the way the withstood the test of time. They were hundreds of years old perhaps, and yet they stood here still – just waiting, tall and proud – in the middle of nowhere… on this random parcel of land Derek Shepherd happened to buy when he needed a sanctuary for his new beginning, his new dream. _

_A chill ran all over my body, but I didn't flinch. Because I had to wonder if it was kismet, fate, destiny or chance that brought us to this moment in time … in the here and now where time stood still for us under these trees, several hundred years after they were first harvested._

_Yes it was true, these trees were old and restless – and yet they stood still, stood the test of time – dancing in the wind while they waited for that special someone to come along and live amongst them, bringing movement and change with him … bringing them into the forefront of his new dream._

Derek pulled on my hand, bringing me out of my reverie. "What's up?" he asked as we stepped onto the porch.

"This place Derek, how can you possible leave it?" I asked just above a whisper, _my voice shaking with emotion I hadn't expected._ He turned to face me.

"That's easy, you asked me to," he said before kissing me fully, his warm full lips devoured mine on contact. _I let myself get lost in his arms with his mouth on mine under those wise, old trees, I let myself live the moment completely._ I pulled away and smiled, because it was true, I did ask him to move in with me. _Only now, I had to wonder if I should have._

We took another couple steps and Derek opened the small door to the trailer and held it open for me before stepping inside. _I looked back over the clearing to the water for a split-second before passing over the threshold._ Derek switched on the small lamp and I slipped my coat off. I put my coat down on the chair and he came up behind me. He snaked his arms low around my belly and l leaned into him.

"You should nap, I am going to grab some boxes from the car," he said into my neck. He moved my hair away and kissed me there – _once, twice, his lips strong and purposeful _– but before he could move away I turned into him and I took his face in my hands and kissed him senseless. He moaned into my mouth and that vibration stuttered up and down my spine. _I simply didn't want him to go … even out to the car for the boxes. _

"Hmm, I should get started," Derek teased lightly. "C'mon," he said, pulling on my hand, leading me to the bed like a horse to water.

I sat down on the comfortable bed and Derek leaned down and removed my shoes. I lay down carefully, trying my best not to aggravate my healing incision.

"You okay?" he asked, gently moving his hand down along my abdomen, checking and feeling without words.

"Yes, I'm fine," I giggled breathlessly.

"This won't take long," Derek said softly. He leaned down and kissed my temple. I inhaled his earthy scent and turned my face so my lips met his. "I promise," he said into my mouth. I smiled. He grabbed one of the cashmere throws and covered me with it. _It smelled like us._

"Okay," I yawned, unexpectedly tired. I watched as Derek retreated and within seconds I was alone with my thoughts again. I looked around the small space. With a calming sense of order, I noticed everything was as we left it. It was warm and inviting in here too – _despite the sleek modern lines and simple layout_ – there was a secluded coziness I hadn't truly felt anywhere else in my life.

_I closed my eyes and let my mind relax. I let my vertebrae pulse into the mattress one by one by one. I sank lower and lower and lower, willing every nerve in my body to soften._ I gingerly turned on my side and pulled the cashmere blanket over me. I stuffed my hands underneath the pillow and winced as I turned to find that perfectly comfortable angel for my abdomen.

Truth be told, I was still within the normal range of my recovery to take pain medication, but after the whole '_Meredith on morphine'_ experience, I thought just taking it slow would suffice. Morphine was powerful and especially so when the body needed it. My whole torso down to my thighs and ass was numb most of the time I was in the hospital and I had to admit even if there were those few moments in time when I was thankful for that self-medicate button, I was happier then hell to have all my faculties back.

I heard Derek close the trunk of the car and then his footsteps on the porch. I delved deeper into my spot within the protected softness of the cashmere blanket and further relaxed into the quiet bliss the trailer had to offer. I thought about Derek's eyes in the OR the other day when I asked him to move in with me – _just the intense relief and utter happiness I saw wash over him_ – it was enough to know that this was right … _right_ _for us, right for him._

For me though, I still had this undercurrent of a desire to live happily in my mother's house, which I know sounds crazy, but it's true. I couldn't get over it, now that I was back and living there and Izzie and George were with me … I thought this old childhood wish of a family living there could make some kind of _happy memory_ for me in that space. And now with Derek there with me too, maybe I could come to fully realize the potential of that old wish. _Maybe it could finally come true._ _I think I needed it, just as sure as I needed that swing to move._

But in the same breath – _this was my crux_ – it was something I had been struggling with since I came home from the hospital and even more so since my father showed up there with his wife, Susan. Who, according to Derek, seemed genuinely concerned for my well-being. Derek went on to add that my father seemed lost and completely ill at ease unless Susan was around and that she seemed _'lovely'_. Lovely … lovely was his chosen word and maybe she was. In the end Derek urged me to contact them, but was quick to add that he would leave that decision in my capable hands.

And now, now I just didn't know how I felt about it. I wasn't sure I was ready for the vulnerability of connecting with my father and his wife. _My God, what would my mother think? _It all sounded so complicated and messy and _counter-productive. _So,I _could_ fulfill yet another childhood dream – _similar to making a happy life in my mother's house_ – a dream in which I would meet my father and relate to him and know him and even scarier still, _let him know me_ … but somehow I didn't think I was ready yet.

And maybe these dreams could – _come true_ – except that it felt counter-productive and reckless to pursue those old tainted dreams while trying to live out this second chance. Which raised a question: _Was it as healthy to chase old forgotten dreams as it was to find and pursue new ones? _

_Because clinging to those unfulfilled childhood dreams had done nothing for me in my life except to keep me from moving on and moving forward and away from the misery I once knew and carried so diligently within my heart. So maybe I also needed to let go of these dreams just like I did of my personal history … my genetic landscape … and leave it in the past with my parent's mistakes. It was no secret, my childhood was rich with dark secrets and unearthed emotions … so why did I want to go back there when I could walk away and move on, move forward … not when I could dare myself to move in. _

On that thought I opened my eyes. I saw Derek in the dim afternoon light; he was crouched over a box in the small kitchen. His jacket covered mine on the nearby chair. He was deep in thought about something, frozen in the moment. Then he started to move into his task again. I noticed there was another box on the counter and yet another on the floor near the door. I peered into the skylight above me. _He was actually doing this with me … for me … for us._

_Derek loved it here, this land._

_And I loved it here._

_And that scared, vulnerable woman I saw all those months ago in the skylight was still gone … _

_She did not reflect back to me even now, nor would she ever again … _

_Not if I moved forward and away from my old dreams …_

_Not if I moved on from that time in my life …_

_She would be gone forevermore and I would be set free to explore and chase and live out new dreams. _

_Derek loved it here, this land._

_And I loved it here._

_Derek was packing his things to come live with me … Derek loved me. I loved him._ _He was right, we were moving and changing like the swing … we were living the second chance._ _We were starting over and yet I was chasing these childhood dreams … I was going backwards in a way, going against the grain, somehow fighting our momentum and I didn't realize it until right this minute._

I shifted slightly and leaned on my elbow to take it all in, to watch him for a split-second longer, to absorb my thoughts, but before I could even think, I heard the abrupt intrusion of my voice.

"Derek stop!" I blurted out into the quiet space.

Startled, he turned around to find my eyes. "Meredith?" he called out, alarm evident in his voice and on his face as he quickly crossed the small space to the bed. "What is it? What's wrong?" he questioned as he sat down next to me. I lay back down and looked up and smiled. _His face softened around the edges as he peered down to me._

"Nothing, nothing is wrong," I said. I reached up and put my hand along his cheek. His skin was rough and warm; _I felt his muscles move as he smiled under my palm._ "I love you," I said, keeping my eyes trained on his and I watched as my lover melted on the inside from my words. "And I have a confession to make," I said softly.

"Do you want some company in here," he asked as he bent down to take his shoes off. I pulled the blanket away and Derek slipped into the bed beside me. He pulled the blanket back up around us, even though his body heat was ample to keep me warm. He lay his head down on the pillow next to mine and took my free hand in his.

"Better," he whispered as he scooted closer. I could feel his hot breathe as it breezed along my chin and neck. He wove his feet through mine.

"Much," I heard myself say, for I was already lost in the deep blue gateways of his eyes. I smiled.

"I think I've been missing something," I started to confess. "I've been thinking about the reason why I wanted you to move in with me," I said, making sure my gaze never left his, _trying my best to calm his heart without words._

"You haven't changed your mind," he said more like a point of fact than a question.

"No, you're right," I giggled. "I wanted you with me to chase an old dream of mine," I smiled through my emotion on the topic, my mother always got to me. "I told you once, my mother tried to kill herself," Derek squeezed my hand, my heart started to pound rapidly. "In our kitchen at her house, I was probably five, going on six at the time, anyway, I had this old unfulfilled dream of _living happily_ in my mother's house, her suicide attempt was one of the more indelible memories I kept with me and I really wanted to beat it," I smiled.

"And you're still trying," Derek encouraged; he released my hand and put his warm hand the bare skin of my neck. My pulse began to slow down.

"Hmm, yes when I came back into town, I was scared, my mother's condition was a secret. I didn't know anyone, _I didn't even want roommates_, it was hard for me and then we kind of tried this _'friends are family'_ thing, you know how interns can be," I smiled through my joke. Derek chuckled. "I think that's why the swing was so important to me, it was a way for me to fix something that was broken and it really did feel like a miracle," I smiled. "So when you asked me to move in, I hedged and thought if you moved in with me instead, we could make this next dream come true … _together_," I said. Unwanted tears collected in my eyes, but I blinked them away before they had a chance.

"Meredith, we can do this, we can make all of your dreams come true," Derek offered. I leaned over and kissed him fully because I knew there would be nothing to stop him from trying.

"Yes I know we can," I said after a moment. "But I don't want to chase old dreams, I want to find new ones with you … _I want the momentum of the swing_, _I want the future, our future, Derek._ And I want you to fulfill yours too – _out here_ – I want you to make your new beginning too, I want you to have your reality, just like this morning," I said, my voice shaking as my heart hammered away in my chest. His eyes glistened and my veins began to pulse with renewed fervor.

"Meredith?" Derek asked as his beautiful eyes scanned mine. He looked like a child just then, like a beautiful child on his birthday or something. _I can't explain it, but he looked like his dreams were within his reach._

"So ask me," I said. "Ask me to move in with you again, because you can't leave this place _– this land _– it's full of magic and hope and promise and _unwritten_ history and I want to be part of that, okay, I love it out here. So, ask me, ask me," I pleaded softly.

"Hmm," he chuckled, his eyes sparkled, he looked at me for a beat longer … there was something magical there, something I really hadn't seen before. "Move in with me Meredith, please," he said and his voice cracked and I smiled.

"My answer is yes," I said wasting no time as I obliterated the small distance between us and got lost in my lover's embrace. "The best is yet to come, Derek, you'll see," I said into his neck and with my whole heart I believed that was true.

_Derek ducked down and captured my swollen lips with his and I cradled his head in my hands as we kissed each other senseless in our magical moment in the here and now … safe in our enclave in the middle of nowhere. I opened my mouth and felt Derek dart his tongue into my depths. And as I held onto my anchor and sank deeper and deeper into that sea of bliss I loved so much, I let those old forgotten dreams sink too …I let them dissolve into the crashing waves. I set myself free as I clung to my lover, my buoy, my everything … and dared myself once again to dream of the reality of a future and beyond with Derek by my side. _

**Chapter 17 to follow.**


	40. Chapter 17, They Bring Me to You, Part 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: So, Josh Radin, love him … check out the song, it's perfect for the story at this juncture. I am slightly discouraged (as usual) with the lack of feedback here considering the numbers of people reading this story, but will post the chapters regardless. If you feel so inclined and enjoy reading, think about submitting a review. Thanks.**

**Chapter 17 ****– They Bring Me to You**

**Lyrics for Joshua Radin's "They Bring Me to You":**

You looked like the sun  
I was the only one  
who could stare until you were done shining on me  
and as we drank our wine and let the world fade away  
the sunrise tried to end it while we tried to stay.

The rest of my life can't compare to this night  
and only the heartaches have given me sight,  
they bring me to you,  
they bring me to you.

Moon pours through the ceiling tonight  
embraces us tight  
shows me we're right for each other  
and as we lie here and let the world fade away  
the sunrise tries to end it while we try to stay.

The rest of my life can't compare to this night  
and only the heartaches have given me sight,  
they bring me to you,  
they bring me to you,  
they bring me to you,  
they bring me to you.

It's all about the first night and last,  
some people say  
well I love you so much more tonight,  
more than yesterday.

The rest of my life can't compare to this night  
and only the heartaches have given me sight,  
they bring me to you,  
they bring me to you,  
they bring me to you,  
they bring me to you.

**Chapter 17 – ****They Bring Me to You –**** Part 1 of 2**

Derek had slipped away from bed already, no doubt to go fish or hike or do some kind of insane outdoor activity. I didn't have to open my eyes to know that dawn wasn't even a glimmer for the new day yet. He really did love it out here and every day we spent together on this land, further confirmed my choice of moving in with him was the right one for both of us … _everything kind of just brought me back to him_ _… and us in the here and now._

_Cristina balked of course, when I told her about my decision, but strangely enough she didn't pick a fight with me about. Instead she conceded without words, perhaps because now that I was_ stronger – _a stronger version of myself_ – _maybe she was ready to let me go_ … _because she could see I was ready to let myself go._

For some reason, I wondered briefly what my mother would say if she were lucid … what she would think of my life as of late, for even if it didn't mean anything to her presently, part of me would like to believe she would have wanted this for me. _That she would have wanted her own dream of happiness to be fully realized somehow._ So maybe this afternoon I would try to talk to her about my life, my happiness … visit with her and try to get her to eat something, like a normal daughter would do with her sick mother who periodically refused food.

_And then of course a wry grin covered my face – I shook my head, smiling inwardly now – after all, the term "normal daughter" – was a bit of an oxymoron in my case, wasn't it?_

I opened my eyes to the quiet nothingness that seemed to scream all around us here. Would I ever get used to it – _the feeling that the world just faded away out here_ – that the quiet tranquility was a landscape made for only … us? I looked up through the skylight and saw the eerie predawn light was just beginning to break … the birds were just starting to stir. I heard Derek on the porch steps and closed my eyes once more and blinked hard … time to start another day. I smiled. I watched as Derek slowly opened the door and stepped inside. His eyes swept over mine, I smiled and so did he.

_This was something new, some kind of new morning ritual or dance we had been playing out together since I moved out here. _

Derek's handsome face was flushed from the cold morning air, his eyes alert and awake – _bright and shiny_ – as he cast a small glance my way and removed his bomber jacket and dark blue wool cap. His wild dark locks sprang free from their confine and suddenly he looked like a little boy who had just been playing in the snow or something. I smiled as I watched him turn the heater up a notch and slip his shoes off. I snuggled deeper into the comforter, knowing that in a few minutes I would have to extricate myself from our nighttime warmth. Derek smiled, fully aware of my thoughts – _he stopped at the foot of the bed, pulled his shirt over his head and unbuttoned the fly to his jeans_ – silently challenging me to rise before he departed. True to my play book though, I solidly "stood" my ground, choosing to simply wink at him instead. His eyes only sparkled in response as he pushed his lips together smartly, turned on his heel and walked into the bathroom.

_Derek closed the door behind him. _

_I listened as his clothing dropped to the floor._

_I heard the shower come to life. _

_I waited … any moment now._

_The steam started to seep under the door... _

… _and that was my cue._

I rose quickly, shoving the comforter aside. The cold air pricked my skin and I seriously wanted to yelp. _Damn it was cold in here!_ And while the cold mornings were the worst – _and I secretly hated them_ – they were nothing compared to my prize … _showering with my love._ So with that thought, I slipped into the steamy bathroom and softly closed the door behind me. I felt my goose bumps melt upon entry; I grabbed my toothbrush and cleaned my teeth, waiting for that water to be at optimal heat for my cold body. I rinsed my mouth and I slipped my yoga pants, tees (both short and long) and socks off in about a half a minute flat.

I pulled the small curtain back and was struck with the image of my lover. Derek had his eyes closed; his skin was pink and fresh, it glistened under the dim light – _the water dropped down and sheathed him_ – stealthily accentuating every taut muscle and nerve under his skin. I noticed tiny droplets of water lay on his long dark eye lashes, somehow magnifying them against his skin. He looked so relaxed, happy, no tension, no pent up anxiety … _he looked how I felt._

He held his head back under the cascade of hot water and I stepped inside the diminutive space, the warm shower floor and hot water melted my frozen toes. Heat began to rise from my feet and seep into my blood and bones, I felt my cheeks flush. I stepped forward into the spray of water and looked up only to find Derek looking down.

_The cold morning air of the trailer was all but forgotten as I melted on the inside from just one look from him._

"Hi," he said softly, his bright happy eyes scanned mine, water dropping continually from his forehead and nose.

"Hi," I said, stepping closer.

My cold skin a distant memory now as Derek gently pushed away the damp, humid tendrils of my hair that stuck to my face. He cradled my skull in his hands; my head became heavy as he closed the microscopic distance between us. I reached up and put my hand along the side of his face, my breasts and abdomen touched his bare hot skin as he kissed me fully on my mouth. _His lips felt hot and wet and inviting, he tasted minty fresh._ He pulled away slightly, his warm hands having made their way down from my ribcage to my ass.

"Let's trade," he suggested and we began to switch so I could wash my hair and he could lather me up. "Sleep okay?" he asked.

"Yes," I said, kissing him once more before I tilted my head back, closed my eyes and let the hot water wash away the nighttime and wake me up.

I opened my eyes and the hot water ran down my body as Derek's eyes bore into mine. "What?" I asked with a smile.

"You look radiant … happy," Derek sighed with satisfaction, almost in awe as he held a bottle of shampoo out for me and poured some in my hand. I smiled.

"I am, I'm bright and shiny," I giggled as I lathered my hair and leaned back into the water again to rinse the soap away. I felt Derek's hands on my hips.

I opened my eyes and found Derek scrutinizing my abdomen; I wondered if he was ever going to stop. I smiled and put my hands on his wrists. "How does it feel?" he asked as he moved his thumb over my small scar.

"Good, better," I said as he looked up. I kissed his lips and he moved closer to me, I reached around him and pressed on the top of the liquid soap dispenser. I turned slightly and I squirted some onto his palm too. Derek smiled and without words we began to lather each other up.

I put my hands on Derek's neck and shoulders and kneaded his small knots away, he smiled and he copied my actions … his hands were like magic. I held onto his neck and moved one hand down his chest, stopping to slowly massage his nipples. I pinched my fingers around one of them and looked up, _a flash of desire crossed over his eyes,_ as I leaned in and kissed the darkened area of his puckered skin. His tiny nipple felt like small pebble as I flicked it with my tongue – _once, twice – _he was so delicious I simply had no control at times.

A warbled moan escaped from Derek's gut as he pulled me away from his chest and covered my lips with his, his hands cupped my head as he wielded control over our kiss and my passion. "You're feeling better," he husked, bringing me closer, his cock began to stir against my belly.

"Hmm, I think so, yes," I agreed, as I snaked my soapy hands down and began to lather his cock. His muscle responded to my touch and I loved that, what I could do to him, probably about as much as he loved the control he wielded over me.

Derek moved his hands down and ran his gentle fingertips over my nipples. He ducked his head down and darted his tongue out to lap at one of them, swirling his talented tongue around his target _over and over and over again._ I gasped for air in the small space as I massaged his hardening cock – _the smell of our sex began to swirl in the humid air_ – it took my breath away.

"Meredith …," I heard him call out as he raised his head and began kissing me, _hard_ as his hips bucked against my abdomen.

_My heart rate spiked and my blood pressure boiled without warning … I was already losing my faculties, for it had been too long for us. I pulled Derek towards me, rocking his body into mine with force, for I craved the skin on skin contact – his hands on me, his cock inside me, his mouth on me – all of it .. all of him. _

_My already swollen pussy began to throb, pulse, thump ... thump, pulse, throb … rhythmically eliciting my desire for him._

"Derek, no more waiting," I said and bit down on his bottom lip. _I wanted him … my want for him would never cease._

"We should be in bed, Meredith, we can't – _you can't stand_ – we need to take it slow," he choked out, although the pads of his fingers traveled across my bare wet skin. Keeping his deep eyes trained on mine, he smiled, slowly moving his thumbs over my lips – _back and forth, back and forth_ – I smiled. "This water's about to get cold, you hate cold showers," he teased, kissing me quickly again. "You know I'm right," he added as he lowered his lips to mine and _pumped them hard over and over and over again. _

_I rested my hands on his hips, as he kissed me senseless, his hard cock was nestled safely between us – my heart fuzzy with desire and passionate bliss – my knees were weak, I held on for dear life. Derek abruptly pulled back, perhaps to gauge my response. I locked my gaze with his for a beat before I heard my raspy voice._

"Suck me off Derek," I blurted out into his mouth. "I need it – _you_ – I need you, I need it," I pleaded; I closed my eyes and let my head loll back. I took his hand in mine and moved it down to my swollen clit; I pressed his finger on top of my nub in an attempt to smother its heat with force.

"Hmm, so hot, so wet … _I love you_," he whispered. I slowly opened my eyes and was met with his crystal blue gateways as he leaned in and kissed me again while he stealthily honored my wish by pressing one finger into my smoldering hole.

"That's it, you feel so good," he said as he gently pushed me against the back wall of the shower. The water cascaded against his back with only warm humid air between us now as he slipped another finger into me. My pussy reacted, clenching around his fingers, covering them like a handmade glove.

"Derek," I heard myself moan breathlessly into his neck as he began to move his fingers in and out to match a slow, but silent tempo playing in his head. My fingernails were pressed deep into his shoulders –_ I curiously watched as my nails made indentations in his smooth skin _– the water already a degree or two cooler, soothed my heated body temperature.

Keeping his fingers submersed inside of me, Derek ducked his head down and kissed my neck, I felt his free hand move down and press on my pelvic bone as he turned his head slightly and began to kiss my nipples and the underside of my breasts. _Just his tongue on my wet skin did me in, I could smell my sex waft up and stick to the humid air as my heart began to thump wildly against my chest._ He pulled his fingers from my pussy and rested his hands on my hip bones as he knelt in front of me. I pushed my fingers into his wet locks and held his skull, watching intensely as he peeked up to me once more before gingerly pressing a kiss to my scar.

_I closed my eyes again as Derek lifted my right leg and draped it over his shoulder. I leaned back against the cool wall of the shower to provide the leverage I needed. Derek's hot breath fanned my sticky pussy and then I felt it: his fat tongue as he swept up and down my seam, separating my slick folds. Heat instantly pricked my skin and my head fell back against the wall as I maintained my hold on Derek's skull in an effort to steady myself. _

"Hmm, so good," Derek said into my hole.

_The vibration from his voice stacking up and down my spine as he pushed two fingers deep into my ready core –his lips on my clit in tandem now – my heart on fire as I peered down and watched Derek suck me off on my command, his fingers and mouth covering me. It was so hot … he was so hot, I gasped for air. _

I felt his chin push into my folds adding an element of pressure I hadn't experienced before, it was divine …what was it?_ Friction … yes, divine friction_ _harmonizing with his lips on my clit and his fingers deep within my core._ Derek grazed his teeth across my clit and I bucked my hips in response, _white haze infiltrated my mind and stuck there much like the humid air in the small room._

_Derek pulled his fingers from my pussy and spread my folds back to expose my throbbing clit, he pressed his thumb there and I heard my guttural moan fill the small space. I wanted to cum – I was ready for it – but I wanted more still. I really wanted him, his cock, just him … deep inside me. But I knew he was right, we needed to be in bed. I wasn't ready for the bendy thing … __not yet anyway._

_My heart clamored in my chest – the water, now cool – felt refreshing as small droplets ricocheted off of Derek's back and sprinkled my hot chest and face. I held on to Derek's skull as his hot breath fanned my sopping pussy. I was throbbing again, pulsing, waiting for his attack, but instead I felt his hand on my ankle as he raised my leg up and firmly planted my foot onto his shoulder blade to gain better access. His mischievous eyes flashed up and locked with mine for a split-second before he attacked my wide open ripe pussy with his whole mouth. I was a goner … lost in bliss … nothing could bring me back. No-thing._

_He pushed one finger into my hot hole before adding his tongue there next to it, he pulsed for a moment – stuck in time – rapidly sucking and pumping before he reached up, found my hand and pressed my fingers over my engorged clit. _

_Without opening his eyes, he gently moved my fingers, silently telling me to spread my folds to expose myself … to trust him. I did as instructed and he held my fingers in place with me while he removed his tongue from my pussy and pressed his whole mouth over my swollen clit again. I pushed my back against the wall, hard._

_I felt Derek's wet tongue and his pressure against my fingers and my clit as he worked me over … siphoning me, drinking me down, drawing me to climax. All I heard above the shower were our moans of pleasure and Derek's lips and mouth smacking against my opening as he nipped and sucked and sucked and nipped until he finally bit down on my clit and my vaginal walls went wild clenching down on his fingers as he milked me dry and sucked me off into oblivion and back._

_My heart heaved; I was hot, feverish even as I rode the waves of my orgasm. My pussy clenched tight against his finger as he continued to drink me down._

_I grabbed onto his scalp and held his head at my opening in an effort to both ground myself and keep him there._

_I felt lighter than air and yet heavier than steel as Derek pulled himself away from my opening. _

_My eyes dropped and I watched as he kissed my swollen pussy with endearment and released my foot from his shoulder, slowly bringing it the floor. _

_I held on to his shoulders and continued to spy as he pressed his sticky hot lips to my scar, moving his thumb along my sensitive flesh once more before standing up to face me. _

_My legs were like Jell-O. Derek moved in closer and snaked his arms low around my back to offer his much needed support._

His eyes were dark and wild. His face was flushed and _red hot_ as reached behind me and turned the cold water off … his warm chest touched mine … _he kissed me; he tasted like … me._ I smiled and he snaked his arm out and grabbed a towel for me. I moved it around my shoulders as he took one for himself, wrapping it quickly around his waist.

"You're amazing," I whispered as he drew near and I kissed him senseless, darting my tongue into his depths and beyond. He laughed into my mouth and moved my damp hair away from my face. "Thank you," I said, pure bliss still over-powering any other cognitive sense I had within me now.

He kissed me again and laughed as he pulled the shower curtain back. "We're gonna have to start getting up even earlier," he muttered.

He smiled and held a hand out for me. I gingerly stepped out of the shower with my sea legs, I sat down on the toilet seat to dry myself off and Derek just chuckled. He quickly dried himself off and I stood – _my brain still fuzzy_ – _my mind blank, white, hot._ Thank God we had a long enough commute, one which would allow me to fully recover from my orgasm-induced high.

"Maybe there _is_ something to be said for waking up early," I giggled. Derek smiled. "Just think, next time … it's your turn," I said with a wink as I sashayed out of the bathroom to get ready for work – _suddenly thankful for that cold morning air – as it soothed my hot orgasm-flushed skin on contact._

**Chapter 17 – ****They Bring Me to You**** – Part 2 of 2 to follow.**


	41. Chapter 17, They Bring Me to You, Part 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: If you are enjoying this story, let me know … it would mean a lot, likely more than you realize. Thanks and enjoy.**

**Chapter 17 – ****They Bring Me to You**** – Part 2 of 2**

As I pulled away from the nursing home I had one single idea on my mind. It was like a lucky penny you would find, pick up and then slip into your jacket pocket and forget about it, only to find it again the next time you wore that jacket.

_It was this idea of being a strong woman … a strong girl … a strong doctor … a strong mother._

And funny enough – _all these thoughts brought me back to Derek_ – how curious. Here my head had been filled with this sensational grouping of thoughts about girls and women and it was all brought on by _one_ statement Derek made about our young patient, Mia Hanson. It happened when I asked him how she might handle two major surgeries in one day … his answer really stuck with me. He said, _"S__he's tough. And right now we don't have any other options."_

And ever since that moment, Derek's words rolled over and over and over in my head like a far off storm that was traveling closer and closer to me all day. I turned into the hospital parking lot and pulled into a spot with a view of the main doors. The day was just beginning to close; darkness would surround us again soon and I would be able to catch my breath and fully process all that had happened today. I turned the ignition off and waited for Derek, I was a little early, which was good, because I needed it.

_I needed to clear my head after visiting my mother – which was always the case – but tonight I wanted to try something new. I really wanted to think about our visit and absorb it and then try to let it go. Because I was letting go, slowly and surely I was letting go of her and my history … and like I've said before; I longed to be set free and now I was finally putting my mind behind it._

And with that, came this haunting idea of being a strong woman or a strong girl or just _strong_ period. The idea struck me over and over and over again today, coming at me from all angles … and from unsuspected sources too. First with Bailey … my heart sunk even now as I thought about the implications of my words to her on the subject of Mia's parents. She said, _"People do the best the can,"_ in response to my diatribe on their substandard parenting.

_Tonight I came to realize she was right … so right that I repeated her words to my own mother just an hour ago. _

See, I _know_ Bailey is a strong woman … a gifted surgeon … a good and decent mother, I know all of this. She's going after what she wants and she shouldn't be chastised for doing it, none of us should. But she doesn't know about my childhood either, she doesn't know about my heartache or loneliness and if it were up to her, _she wouldn't want to know_, but if I could somehow explain it to her … maybe she wouldn't make the same mistakes my mother did and then maybe her _"best"_ would be just that much _better_ than my mother's ever was.

_I sighed and watched as a steady stream of people came and went from the hospital – the automatic door was like a curtain at the theater – people coming and going … starting and ending new chapters in their lives … some here for the final chapter or encore and some here for the first act, fresh beginnings. _

And that's what I wanted … I wanted to let it all go and start fresh, that was no secret … I desperately wanted that new act to begin. But I also wanted to beat my mother at her game – _I wanted it all, I didn't want history to repeat itself, I wanted and deserved more_ – I wanted a future with Derek and whoever else might come along. Everything seemed to lead me back to him and my life with him and it wasn't that he was going to make it all better _for_ me – _or make me a stronger woman, I had always known this_ – but in the strangest of paradoxes … he would do just that for me and so much more.

_Like I said to Cristina not too long ago, who says we can't have it all, and if someone was gonna have it all, why shouldn't it be her … or Bailey … or even me?_

I thought about my mother again for a brief moment. The Chief confided in me that he needed a break from visiting her and I volunteered to let her know for him. His sorrow for her current condition was evident to me now. _I was also painfully aware that he still loved her very much and it was almost too much to bear – too much to see – too much to envision what could have been for them._ And yes, he would say my mother was a force to be reckoned with, that she was a strong woman who would overcome this disappointment too. But I knew better, I knew her tough exterior physique was just a façade – _a coping mechanism_ – for on the inside, it was true, she was no stronger than I was or had been when I was broken. _A chill coursed up my spine and festered at the base of my skull until I shivered it out of me._

The car door clicked open and Derek ducked his head down to see me and despite the gust of cooler air that accompanied him, his smile melted my chilly range of thoughts on command. His eyes bore into mine and I could tell he was checking me over. He knew visits with my mother set me back most of the time … I smiled, silently trying to allay his fears.

"Hi," he said as he sat down next to me and closed the door.

He turned to me and leaned in – _I met him halfway and kissed him senseless right there in the parking lot_ – wasting no time to feel his warm lips upon mine, dart my tongue into his depths, melt into his touch … just waiting, waiting for him to ground me and bring me back. He pulled away and smiled, his _bright and shiny_ eyes now tired from a busy day of saving lives.

"You okay?" he asked softly, his eyes scanning mine.

"Better now," was my answer, because it was true. Derek had this way of making things better for me, more tolerable and somehow more bearable.

"How are you?" I asked, kissing him again on the lips.

"Better now," he answered with a smile.

"How bad was it, on a scale of one to ten?" he asked as he grabbed for his seatbelt. I fastened mine too and started the car.

"Six, maybe a seven," I replied … honestly trying to assess the damage and pain caused by visiting my mother. "When I first left a six or so, but now … a two, maybe a two," I smiled, awestruck by my mini-revelation. Derek's eyes widened on my words, perhaps he was in as much shock I was.

"Lets get you home," he said. _"Your place or our place?"_ he asked softly with a smile. I laughed.

"_Ours,"_ I smiled as I pulled out of the spot and onto the main road to navigate my way to the ferryboat docks.

Derek put warm hand on my neck and I gave him a sidelong glance, he seemed content and happy, we both were content and happy – _and that made all the difference to the strong woman I was becoming on the __inside_– a small point in my favor, putting me ahead of my mother and strong façade she sported.

_Now as I drove towards the docks, I wondered whatever possessed me to keep my room up at my mother's house. It was Derek's idea actually, to have a nearby place to crash if we were ever in dire straits. And even though I had officially moved in with him only a few days ago – part of me wondered why we would ever want to stay there again – not when we could escape to our little piece of heaven and let the world just fade away … not when we had a place with a blank landscape for the creation of new memories. _

###

I lay in bed hours later and listened to the soothing sound of the water as Derek took a quick shower. It was dark, save for the light coming from under the bathroom door and the dim moonlight seeping into the trailer from outside. The early moonlight cast short shimmery shadows along the walls as the gentle wind moved the fir trees surrounding the trailer. The moon would be full within days and I had a secret desire to see it for my own eyes out here … _to somehow mark my first full moon as the end of my old journey, my history. _Then I could sit back and wait to welcome the darkness and my new beginning with the new moon as it eclipsed and then again as time moved forward towards the next full moon ... only time would tell what this new beginning would hold for me.

I heard Derek turn the shower off and it was eerily quiet for a moment. We had a light dinner together and talked about my mother and her _condition_ and the Chief and his … _situation_. It was all so sad, but in some small way I felt better knowing Derek and I wouldn't end up like them, even if it took a bomb inside a body cavity for us to change our lives … our destiny … our fate to find each other again.

_Without warning a strange focal image of Dylan in the OR quickly moved into my mind, I sat on it for a split-second before gently pushing him away. And as I did, I looked up into the skylight and caught the reflection of the woman there – the woman who held my hopes and dreams and my history too – only this time, I smiled at her, silently solidifying what I have known for some time now … that I was meant to come back and find Derek and let him find me after that bomb went off and Dylan perished. Now, I had to wonder … had I finally arrived at my full circle moment? _

Derek opened the door and a stream of light infiltrated my quiet, dark mind. He smiled and I smiled in return. His hair was wet, slick, his skin fresh and clean and pink. He flipped the light off and I watched as his shadowy figure came around to his side of the bed, bringing with him the faint scent of bath soap.

He slipped into bed and I turned to face him. "I could be the luckiest man on the planet," came his quiet voice as he moved flush up against me, the warmth of his body covered mine.

"Luck's got nothing to do with this," I said, finding his eyes in the darkness. "We made this," I said before he moved his head onto my pillow, our noses almost touching now.

"We did," he agreed. He moved a small piece of stray hair away from my brow and kissed my forehead. "I just want to remember it all somehow, thank you, you know …," his voice trailed off, he lowered his head into my neck and his hot breath warmed me like a space heater. _"For the chance to make it right … I'm blessed, lucky, whatever you want to call it,"_ he said. _"I know I am,"_ he added before kissing my neck.

Derek's body heat warmed me as he made his way through his assertions. I reached down and took his warm face in my hands, bringing his head up to scan his eyes, to check on him but he wasted no time before kissing me hard. _His warm lips covered mine and his tongue swept into my mouth and lit my core on fire like only a kiss from him could._ He took my skull in his hands and gently moved me over him; I jackknifed my knee across his thighs and heard myself moan into his open mouth.

"I love you," I whispered breathlessly into his lips, he kissed me once more fully. "I'll never stop, Derek," I added because I finally believed that was true.

_I loved him completely and nothing would stand between us now. I lay my head down on his chest and let myself get lost in the pounding rhythm of his heart muscle. He draped his arms around me … protecting me and loving me and keeping me._

_My mind drifted to Derek. I listened as his heart pumped blood and oxygen and life into his organs … I thought about how much I loved this man and his heart and his capacity to love even though he had been torn apart by loneliness and betrayal… just like me. I felt proud all of a sudden, proud for everything he had overcome to arrive at a place … this place … this moment in time where he could love me freely._

"I'll never get tired of hearing you say that to me – _never_," Derek whispered into the darkness and I knew he was telling me the truth_. _I further relaxed into him; my eyes were heavy but my heart lighter than air as I absorbed his words. _"I'm in this, so deeply in this with you, whatever happens, Meredith … nothing could keep me from loving you,"_ he said into my hair.

I squeezed Derek in response. I squeezed my eyes shut too and tried to quell my racing heartbeat. _I wanted to burn – __no sear__ – this exact moment into my memory bank._ For some reason I felt an insane need to do that, for fear I might forget this moment one day … it was kind of like my fear of forgetting Dylan and all that he stood for.

"I'm proud of you Derek," I said into his chest. I heard him sigh on my words, his heartbeat spiked. _"I'm proud of you for changing your life, for taking a chance on me, for loving me,"_ I said and I lifted my head and was met with his unwavering gaze.

"I'm proud of you too, Meredith," Derek said before he kissed me again. I pulled away and let my head lay on top of Derek's heart muscle once more. I was warm and comfortable, relaxed and at ease within my lover's embrace ... I was right where I wanted to be.

_I closed my eyes then and finally let sleep come for me. I tried to focus on Derek's heartbeat … tried to stay awake for a moment longer to enjoy falling asleep with my love. I shifted slightly and then felt Derek's arms instinctually wrap around me again. His hot breath fanned along my neck, I felt him kiss my bare flesh as I sank deeper and deeper into the darkness. I burrowed deeper and had a small vision of Derek's soft blue eyes … bright and shiny … happy and content and I heard the velvety timbre of his voice as he spoke into my ear._

"_I love you Meredith and I'll never stop. I'll always be here for you – day, night, rain, shine, wind, water, snow, sleet … winter, spring, summer or … fall – because I've fallen deeply in love with you and I know now I can say that freely and you feel it too … you're ready, you're almost ready to wake up … to set yourself free and live in the here and now … with me. There's no one for me but you, we're right for each other. You know by now, I would wait forever and day for you – __you know that__ – and forever … forever is ours for the taking, Meredith. Forever is right around the corner … forever is days away … forever could be tomorrow … forever is imminent now, it's upon us … for we're in the here and now, together … forever." _

_As I listened to Derek's professions, I melted a little bit, faded ever so slightly with every syllable spoken – for it was these late night confessions that were the most intimate – the most real and true thoughts my lover held in his heart for me … for him and for us. I relished in the idea of having this every night … of coming home to Derek every night … for the rest of my life … forever. And in this moment in here and now … I realized I wanted nothing more than forever to begin ... at once._

**Chapter 18 to follow.**


	42. Chapter 18, Fields of Gold, Part 1 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading and for the comments. I love Sting, he's amazing and this song of his "Fields of Gold" was so perfect for this chapter that every time I hear this song now, I think of this story and this part of the story. **

**Anyway, should you have the means, you should listen to this song whilst reading, enjoy!**

**Chapter 18 – Fields of Gold**

Lyrics for Sting's "Fields of Gold":

You'll remember me when the west wind moves  
Upon the fields of barley  
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky  
As we walk in the fields of gold

So she took her love  
For to gaze awhile  
Upon the fields of barley  
In his arms she fell as her hair came down  
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love  
Among the fields of barley  
Well forget the sun in his jealous sky  
As we lie in the fields of gold

See the west wind move like a lover so  
Upon the fields of barley  
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth  
Among the fields of gold  
I never made promises lightly  
And there have been some that I've broken  
But I swear in the days still left  
Well walk in the fields of gold  
Well walk in the fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days  
Among the fields of barley  
See the children run as the sun goes down  
Among the fields of gold  
You'll remember me when the west wind moves  
Upon the fields of barley  
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky  
When we walked in the fields of gold  
When we walked in the fields of gold  
When we walked in the fields of gold

**Chapter 18 – Fields of Gold – Part 1 of 3**

I lay down on the bottom bunk of a bed in an on-call room just to close my eyes for a minute. Just for a chance to get some perspective – _to actually think_ – not only to react to the fury of activity happening all around me. The room was dim, illuminated solely by the small lamp on the table in the corner. I turned my head away and closed my eyes. On-call shifts were always the worst, but it was made better by having my pack with me most of the time.

Cristina would no doubt show up soon … she was kind of freaking out about how well things were going for her and Burke, so there was that. And at some point, I expected George and Izzie to show up here too. Their patient was in dire straits – _a young girl, __very young__, with uterine cancer_ – she would need a radical hysterectomy to even have a small chance. Alex, the dark horse, was around here somewhere … and so was Derek.

_I smiled as my mind fluttered over his name._

So, even though I would be off from my shift soon I would wait for them – _my friends, my family_ – because I wanted to be there for them and be in the moment to absorb life. This was something I never did before the bomb went off. I pushed it all away before then, _if something wasn't quite right_, I avoided. I pushed it away into the deep recesses of my mind. I was a pro actually, for neatly compartmentalizing my life and my problems had long since been a key element to my modus operandi. And with my genetic make-up, it was easy … _life was easy, simple and lonely most of the time_.

_Substandard, selfish mother (who did the best she could have) in one box._

_Nonexistent, selfish father (who may have done the best he could have) in another box._

Essentially, I didn't have a family and I certainly didn't have friends who were like family. I didn't have anyone to depend on and no one depended on me. _And zero dependencies without interaction or commitment meant there were no __visible__ messy family issues._

I opened my eyes on that thought and looked up. I scanned the underside of the top bunk and I focused on the congruent lines of the metal bed frame for a moment to bring myself out of that train of thought … but instead I was struck by something, my family – _we lived kind of like that_ – like congruent lines that never touched.

_It was true my parents and I coexisted, peacefully even –we lived like precious grains from around the globe in ancient times – whole grains harvested side by side, yet never tainted by one another… never blended together to find harmony or balance or more advanced nutrition. _

_My mother, father and I were heavily guarded within our individual silos: barely, quinoa, kamut._

_Our unique properties were never compromised by one another – never, for that was the primary rule of zero dependency – each man, woman and child was for themselves only … no interlocking, no interfaith … no unification, no growth for the betterment of each other. _

_But, here's the thing I've come to realize – those ideals didn't work in ancient times – and they didn't work within my small family unit either._

_Those ideals didn't work still when I tried to distance myself from Derek when he went back to Addison … they didn't work because we were connected, bonded … in mind, body and spirit. _

_Those ideals didn't work because everything in life is interdependent – sure as the same sun and water is needed for the growth of all grains, no matter how precious – dependency, commitment and interaction are needed for a person to grow and learn and trust and thrive throughout life._

The door slowly opened, the room became illuminated from the bright hallway light. I craned my neck back a little bit and saw George poke his head around the opening. He spotted me and I smiled, suddenly thankful for the intrusion from my dark and lonely thoughts.

"You alone?" he asked with a smirk.

"Yes, Derek is still on and I finish up in about a half hour," I answered his unasked questions while he slipped inside, the room slowly becoming an enclave again as the door shut behind him.

I rolled onto my side and in doing so I put my hand on my abdomen to brace myself, _something I had grown accustomed to lately,_ but for once I didn't flinch, my wound had healed … and it was amazing. I smiled. George sat down on the chair next to the door; I could see him via a small slice of my peripheral vision as he rubbed his hands over his face. _His brown sensitive eyes were sunken and tired … he looked worried and worn. _

"How's your patient?" I asked, trying to assess his mental state.

"She's too far gone, she's gonna die," George scoffed. He shook his head.

"What's her name?" I asked quietly.

"Jillian, Jilly … she's a … a Puritan, Amish, _not that it matters now_, she ran away from her family, you know … she's so young and lovely and she isn't jaded … _oh, I guess I could say pure_," he laughed acrimoniously and looked in my direction. "And now she's going home to die," he rambled sadly.

"I'm sorry George," I replied softly. I closed my eyes for a moment, allowing myself to take in the sadness George felt for his patient.

"_Me too, Izzie … she's a mess, on the inside, I think, you know her with her patients … this could do her in. Jilly has a best friend she has to leave behind, she can't go back with her … it's a mess,"_ George confessed quietly.

"What can you do?" I asked into the dark room.

"Nothing and it sucks," he answered sardonically.

_We let the comfortable silence consume us for several moments; George's mind no doubt on Jilly, while mine was on those dreaded silos again. _

Jilly was no different than I was … living a compartmentalized life. She packed her history away and moved forward … only to want to go back … back to her roots, back to her parents and community to die. And even though I highly doubted I would, _I had to wonder_, would I feel that need also? Of course I knew the answer to that question because my parents wouldn't be able to soothe me, not in the way Derek would be able to … or Cristina or Alex or George or even Izzie for that matter.

I pushed those maudlin thoughts from my mind with force now. Because weeks ago Jilly's life and ordeal and end of life wishes would have sent me into an introspective nosedive, but today I felt no need to do that. Derek and I were together and happy and committed to each other in spite of my history … we were together and he would be there for me until the end: _medically, ethically and spiritually … forevermore._ And that was all I really needed to know in my heart.

The door abruptly swung open flooding our enclave with that ugly light once again. I squinted: _it was Cristina._

"Hey," she said tightly as the door closed behind her. "Anyone up there?" she asked.

"Nope," George replied before standing.

George and I watched as she kicked her shoes off. She wasted no time before climbing up to the top bunk. The bed creaked and shimmied under her slight weight.

"I'll see you guys later," George said as he held the door open slightly. I looked back, the light from the hallway illuminated his sad face … he was defeated.

"Hey George, I'm really sorry about your patient," I offered.

"Thanks," he nodded and slipped out of the room and back into the swing of his surgical internship.

I sighed. "His patient is gonna die, despite surgery, she's won't make it," I offered to Cristina as an explanation.

"Sometimes there is nothing we can do," she sighed. "Sometimes this job blows, it's better we learn to accept that now," she offered, uncharacteristically solemn and supportive.

And as I thought about her words and her delivery, I realized something and I smiled. That comfortable silence overcame the room again. I held my PDA up, illuminated the LCD and peeked at the time, fifteen minutes and I was done.

_In the last few months, it was usually about now, the last fifteen minutes of my shift, that I would began to pray for another patient, or an accident or something to keep me here … anything to keep me busy. When Derek left me for Addison, it was all I could do to keep my mind off of things, because going home never helped, for with his ghost in my room the nights alone were the worst._

_I smiled into the dark room – my how times had changed, time had healed old wounds, so it seemed – for now I couldn't wait to get out of here! I couldn't wait to get home, and for once without even thinking about it, I thought of the trailer first. _

"_What if Derek robbed a bank?"_ came Cristina's worried voice.

"What?" I asked, wondering where she was headed with this.

The bed above me shifted and I heard her muffled sigh. _"Say Derek was robbing a bank ... and while he was in there, you were waiting outside, 'cause it was your job to drive the getaway car,"_ she said seriously.

"Why would Derek rob a bank?" I inquired, completely thrown off by her line of questioning.

"_Just go with me here,"_ she pleaded quietly, the bed shifted again in exasperation.

"Okay, Derek's robbing a bank," I agreed reluctantly.

"_And he gets caught. And no one knows you were involved, 'cause you were driving the car,"_ she added with haste.

"Okay, Derek's in jail, I'm in the mystery car. What's the question? I asked.

"_Would you turn yourself in?"_ she hissed. _"Or would you stay quiet and let Derek go down for a robbery in which you were a complicit participant?_ _Or would you stand by him?_" she added with haste.

And then I smiled, because I knew my earlier assumption was correct.

"Well... whose idea was it to rob the bank?" I asked carefully, a large smile played along my face and I couldn't smooth it away, even if I tried.

"_I don't know ... __his__!"_ she chastised me. _"But you helped!"_ she exclaimed into the dark.

"So?" I teased. "What would it matter?" I pushed.

And then her head popped over the side of the bed so fast I would have thought she could have pole-vaulted herself to the floor from sheer inertia. She stared at me for several beats but I gave nothing up because I wanted to hear her say it to me. _C'mon Cristina, say it!_ I raised my brow expectantly.

"I mean could you live with yourself if you walked away and let the man you love take the fall?" she asked smartly.

I smiled broadly. "You have it bad, _'the man you love'_," I teased. "Let me guess, _you think you love Burke_ and you want to know _if you really do, _right?" I raised my brow again. She fell back into her bed and sighed heavily. "You want to know that it would be okay to give yourself up for him, am I right?" I pushed, a smile still stuck on my face.

"_Something like that,"_ she deadpanned.

I sat up with a smile; my work here was officially done for the day. "You know what I think?" I said as I leaned down to put my shoes on. I stood up and looked into her dark eyes for a beat. I took my hair band and scooped my hair into a messy ponytail. Cristina just looked at me expectantly. "This love thing … it's a two-way street, so go ahead and love him, take a chance – _don't live alone in silo, don't go down a one way street alone_ – and if Burke robs a bank, just make sure he gets out of there alive and you get _both_ of your asses out of that mess." I said smartly.

Cristina sighed, her eyes still dark with worry. "Live alone in a silo? A one way street? How does that fit in with my bank robbery analogy? she asked incredulously.

"Give it some thought, you'll figure out what it means to me," I challenged.

"_And why do I have to be the one to get us out of the mess?"_ she asked as I headed for the door.

"Because you love him, remember?" I snickered as I exited the room.

I turned down the hallway and heard her muffled laughter as the door closed. I made my way down to the Interns' Locker Room. I pulled my PDA from my waistband as I walked and I typed a quick message to Derek.

**M. Grey Surg. Intern:** _i'm going home_

I rounded the corner to the locker room and slipped inside, thankfully unnoticed. I pulled my locker open. My PDA buzzed. I smiled at Derek's reply.

**D. Shepherd. Neuro-Head:** _alone?_

I typed my answer. Smart ass.

**M. Grey Surg. Intern:** _smart ass. yes, unless you're coming w/ me_

I set the PDA down and began to gather my things, I would shower when I got home, I just wanted out of here. I sat down on the bench there and untied my shoes. I heard the door open and then footsteps and then Derek's voice filled the small space.

"Will you pick me up later?" he asked, I turned and looked up. My lover stood there – _blue-hot fire danced in his eyes_ – he truly looked happy to see me. His question hung in the air between us.

I rose and he approached me, I turned and snaked my arms low around his waist underneath his crisp white lab coat. I melted into his radiant body heat. I kissed the bare skin of his chest, just above the vee of his scrub top. He smelled like aftershave and clinical antibacterial hand soap … he smelled like _'work-Derek'_.

"Hi," he said, I looked up and kissed his warm inviting lips, his hands were on my face within seconds, wielding control of my skull and our kiss. I lost myself under his spell and even though we were alone, that bubble I love so much came down around us and the world magically disappeared.

"Hi," I said into his lips. "I'll pick you up," I teased with a raised brow, pulling back. He chuckled and I kissed his neck. "Call me when you're on the ferry and I'll pick you up on the other side," I said with a smile.

"You're going _home, home_ then?" he asked unable to hide his surprise.

"I am, going _home, home_," I confirmed, unable to stop smiling. Derek ducked down and kissed my lips. I reached up and cradled his face in my hands. I opened my mouth slightly and he swept his tongue into my depths, pricking my soul with his heat.

"Hmm, I can't wait," he said breathlessly.

"Neither can I, I'm feeling better … _one-hundred percent_ _better_," I teased.

"Good to know," he said before kissing me again. "Hmm, gives me something to look forward to," he said with a mischievous smile.

"Yes, yes it does," I said, before kissing him once more. "I've missed you," I said into his lips.

"Me too, me too, I won't be later than the five-thirty ferry … few hours tops," he replied.

"Call me and I'll come for you," I said, kissing the underside of his neck again – _my words hung in the air _– it all sounded so domestic, regular ... and perfect.

"You'll _come_ for me, hmm, that sounded dirty, I like you dirty," he laughed like the devil and pinched my ass, _hard_.

"Ouch! Derek!" I squealed before he pulled me closer and his lips came crashing down on mine – _just one last time, one last kiss _– for I could tell this would be it before he would have to go back to work.

_And as I pulled back, I had to agree, my feeling better did give us something to look forward to … because being intimate remained a priority for both of us and truth be told, I missed our brand of closeness and love making. For now that we were free and fully committed, there was an emotional element to our time together that I almost craved with my soul – having never had that before – I craved to replenish and renew our connection every chance I got. _

_And so as I surveyed Derek and his happy eyes while we stood frozen in time for a beat, the only thing on my mind was him and picking him up later … so we could pick up where we left off._

**Chapter 18 – Fields of Gold – Part 2 of 3 to follow.**


	43. Chapter 18, Fields of Gold, Part 2 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading, this part of the chapter is both short and important, enjoy and please ... if you are reading, drop me a line.  
**

**Chapter 18 – Fields of Gold – Part 2 of 3 **

_I felt my PDA buzz inside my jacket pocket, but I couldn't bring myself to look down and retrieve it. Of course I knew it was Derek, I knew he was on his way to meet me. I knew I needed to leave this moment in time, but I just couldn't, not yet anyway … even as dusk quickly disappeared._

_It was beautiful, my moment upon this clearing. I wondered if Derek knew about this spot, this place – this magical space – because it truly transcended time or something. _

_I retrieved my PDA and read the message from Derek. He would be docking in about fifteen minutes so I still had some time. I sat down in an effort to take it all in; the ground was cool on my skin through my jeans, the blades of grass, crisp, fresh … and natural. The air moved through my damp hair and a shiver passed down my spine ... night was upon me now and I was suddenly chilled to the bone. But I still couldn't move … I was immobilized by the scene before me. _

_I just happened upon this spot, just now._ _I had decided to take a short walk after my shower, the moon was set to be full and I wanted to take a look at it all by myself before it was too dark outside. I wanted to look about the land and I dared myself to walk a little further away from the trailer than I had before._ _So,_ _I walked down and to the right a bit and through a grouping of overgrown pine trees and ended up here …_ _at the end of the earth._

_I could see as far as my eyes would allow me to …if I could have seen further, there would have be no obstruction … the view was limitless._

_I could see a small town below and to my right, small flickers of dim lights moved as the wind moved the trees down below … the lights looked like candles. I couldn't tell how to get to that town from here, but it was there and it looked like a sleepy village, something out of 'The Sound of Music'. I could hardly believe that just beyond those trees; lay this space … this clearing. _

_I moved the grass through my fingertips … it was so naturally green and lush, it was long, uncut, unmanaged, yet perfectly beautiful. The long blades swayed slightly as the western wind blew across the plain. It was truly a beautiful piece of land, but that was not the breath-taking part._

_It was the moon that stunned my heart rhythm and took my breath away …_

_It was my full moon … _

_My new beginning full moon …_

_It was tremendous in size …_

_It was glowing … a fiery, muted orange-red … a color unique to this moon perhaps…_

_It hung low in the sky, lower than I had ever seen the moon before. It was somehow larger than life and its mysterious physique stared back at me – challenging me, bating me – for even though I was dwarfed by its presence, I wanted nothing more than to reach up and touch it with my fingertips. _

_The moon was within my reach now … _

_Everything was within my reach now … _

_My future, my hopes and my dreams … _

_Everything collided … _

_Finally merging those congruent lines I held straight in my heart for my whole life._

_As I stood up from the cold ground I knew one thing for certain … that one day, I would have to show Derek this space, for he could build a home here … on this very spot in which I first saw my new beginning full moon ... he could build a home here … on this spot where I felt I wasn't alone in a silo anymore. _

_I turned and walked back the way I came, my footsteps were the only sound I could hear. I was truly alone up here … but truly at home as well. A smile stuck to my face as I headed up the hill and all I could think about was … magic and Derek and Derek and magic. _

_I reached the top of the clearing and turned around quickly to take one more look at the perfection before me and I was stunned again. For that fiery orange moon cast a golden shadow along the plain and the green grass was suddenly illuminated – it looked like a field of gold – it looked like a treasure that had been found … and then I knew I had reached the pinnacle … the zenith … the place where dreams could come true. _

_Yes, Derek could build a house here … dare I say, we could build a __house-full__ of our dreams here. And with that thought I turned away again to go and meet my lover._

###

I pulled up to the ferryboat dock and my heart raced in anticipation of seeing Derek. For some reason, I couldn't wait. I stepped out of the car, _despite the cold_, I wanted to greet him and hold him. I think, _as crazy as it sounded,_ I actually missed him this afternoon.

I watched as the ferryboat glided over the water … pushing itself and moving my lover toward me. Sure and steady the boat made its way closer and closer and closer to the dock. I watched as it closed in. A gust of salty wind brushed over the dock, paying no mind to my small body. It chilled me to the bone, but I waited still – _stood my ground_ – for my lover was almost home. I braced myself against the metal railing as the boat docked.

_Derek was almost home._

Within minutes he walked off the passenger exit, the collar of his wool coat pulled up around his ears, his skull covered by a dark wool cap. His cheeks were flushed from the cold; _no doubt he stood at the helm for the ride over._ He rounded the corner and spotted me, I watched his eyes shift and twinkle with life under the dim fluorescent lights – _he was right, maybe I was the reason his eyes sparkled _– I smiled as he approached.

_Derek was home._

He was standing in front of me in a flash, his excited eyes bounced around my face – _sometimes I could see the boy in him when he looked at me_ – and this was one of those moments. I smiled because whenever this happened, I melted just a little bit more on the inside. He dropped his bag and wasted no time before taking my face in his cold hands and covering my mouth with his … _the boy was quickly forgotten._ His frozen nose bumped against my cheeks as he kissed me over and over and over again in an attempt to warm us both up.

_He smelled salty, fresh and organic … I was intoxicated, stunned as he took over my senses, my nerve endings snapped and I was a goner._ _Our bubble sheathed us from the cold bitter air – our breath misted around us, swirling into the air in tufts – swirl, smack, swirl, moan, kiss, bite, moan … kiss, kiss, kiss. _

_Derek was home … and so was I._

He kissed me once more for good measure before he locked his gaze on mine; his lips were red and swollen from kissing me. I reached up and ran my finger along them, they were soft and supple. He smiled under my fingertips and looked up into the sky. "It's a beautiful moon Meredith … did you see it?" he asked breathlessly.

I smiled. "Hmm, I did, it's … _magical_," I agreed as we began to walk to the car.

I handed Derek the keys and he opened the door for me and I slipped inside, escaping from the colder nighttime air. Derek came around and got in next to me. He started the ignition and we were on our way home. As we drove I kept one eye trained on the moon, its burnt orange glow had dissipated somewhat and it seemed to be higher in the sky too.

"It's fascinating isn't it?" Derek asked softly, pulling my gaze from the object of my attention.

"It's intoxicating, I've never seen it so low, so … orange," I agreed. He smiled.

"The moon can be that way sometimes when it first rises at night, they say the orange color occurs when the moon is still close to the horizon – _when it's still low in the sky_ – it reflects off of the scattering lights in the atmosphere and as it moves higher and higher into the sky, the air becomes more clear and the moon becomes white or gray … it's amazing to watch, happens a lot out here," Derek explained as he rounded the corner and crossed over the property line.

"It's beautiful. I feel like I could just reach up and touch it," I chuckled. "I feel like everything is within reach now," I said absentmindedly as Derek pulled up to the trailer and turned the ignition off.

"It is, come on, lets go inside, I'll even turn the heat up a notch," Derek said suggestively and I had to laugh.

"Oh, I'm sure you will," I said as I pulled on the handle and got out of the car. Derek came around and we walked up the steps and into warm solace of the trailer without looking back.

**Chapter 18 – Fields of Gold – Part 3 of 3 to follow.**


	44. Chapter 18, Fields of Gold, Part 3 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks to my two lone commenters on that last part, the interest in this story is dismal, but I can't help but wonder if it's just the interest in Grey's period that's waning … with a finale like that, well who am I to talk, I haven't seen it (nor will I)…I suppose, the characters can't live inside fanfiction (but clearly, I can, lol … how about you?)… which leaves me with this: if you are reading, please let me know. Thanks. **

**Chapter 18 – Fields of Gold – Part 3 of 3**

_Derek came around and we walked up the steps and into warm solace of the trailer without looking back …_

Once inside, neither one of us made a move to turn the lights on. The warmer air tickled my bare skin and I pulled my coat off and hung it on a hook just to the inside the door. Derek turned the heat up a notch or two and came up behind me. He reached over me to hang his coat up. _He dropped a small kiss on the bare skin of my neck … my nerves went wild from his simple touch and I heard myself sigh, my clit pulsed. How on earth did he do that?_

"I can't believe you picked me up," Derek whispered into my ear. The hairs on my neck stood at attention, my heart hitched into my throat – _thump, thump, thump_ – was all I heard. I turned into him quickly, my body already humming along to an unheard song, I snaked my arms low around his back and held on tight.

"I know, this is so –"

"Much like a dream of mine," Derek leaned back into his heels; I found his eyes in the dim moonlight coming in from the window. "It is Meredith, seeing you tonight waiting for me at the dock was …_nothing short of a surreal miracle_," he said before quickly pecking my lips with his. He hugged him tight, listening to his strong heartbeat against my ear. "You took my breath away, it was like a dream," he confessed softly into my hair.

"It is, it's, a dream come true," I agreed, clinging to him. _Derek pulled back and I tipped my head up and grabbed his lips with mine, I kissed him senseless, because lets face it, what else was I gonna do?_ Derek pulled back and chuckled.

"Your hair is all _wild_," he chuckled, smoothing my tresses away from my face. He kissed me quickly again, pumping my lips, _once, twice._ His eyes danced in the dim light and I smiled too, it was good to be home … together.

"I went for a walk," I shrugged elusively, wanting to keep my discovery to myself for a little bit longer. "My hair was damp and now it's … _wild_," I said with a small smile.

"Oh, I bet that's not the only thing that's damp and wild," Derek challenged mischievously, moving his hands down to pull on the waistband of my jeans. I laughed as he pulled me to him and stealthily unbuttoned my fly with one hand before pressing his index finger over my wet clit through the thin fabric of my panties.

"Hmm, hot already," he said into my mouth. He wasted no time before snaking two fingers into my panties, adding pressure to my swollen bundle of nerves, I heard myself release a muffled gasp into his chest.

_I shivered and felt that familiar tug on the invisible fishing line Derek had attached to my core long ago when we first met. It still worked, he could still reel me in with one simple touch. One simple kiss. _

"Only for you, I want you," I managed to say, raising my leg up his thigh, I pressed my pelvic bone into his. He only pressed deeper into my folds with his fingers.

"_I want you and nothing else,"_ Derek said hotly into my ear, before placing another demanding kiss on my lips. He brought my hips into his again … I felt his erection and a _zing, zing_ stung my clit in response. I kicked my shoes off.

"Just me and nothing else," I said urgently into his lips, tugging on the waistband of his jeans this time. He kicked his shoes off and they went flying.

"Just you, only you," he said thickly before he devoured my lips.

_I plunged my hands into his hair and my tongue into his depths and I felt his body heat rise under my fingertips. He bit down on my bottom lip and palmed his large hands over my ass. I desperately tugged on the top of his jeans now as he kissed me over and over and over again. _

_My body became pliant within seconds and I could tell I was in for one hell of a night. With a new sense of urgency Derek picked me up and I instinctually wrapped my legs around his waist while he swiftly carried me across the room to bed. I pulled my sweater over my head and let it fall to the ground before grabbing his lips with mine; I found his tongue and sucked on it, hard._

"Only you," he repeated gruffly, before easing me down onto the bed.

I watched as Derek pulled his shirt over his head and removed his jeans and boxers in one fluid motion. He leaned down and pulled his socks off too. _His cock stood at attention, teasing me … my pussy walls clenched in anticipation of what was sure to come._ I heard a guttural gasp escape from my lips and Derek smirked as he caught my stare on his ready cock. I raised my brow and licked my lips to tease him. Derek only laughed out loud before putting his hands on the bed in front of him … he leaned into the bed and pushed – _up and down_ –suggestively testing its durability. I shook my head at his bravado.

_He wasted no time before he_ _crawled up and hovered over me. I felt his body heat rage against my skin. I reached down and held his beautiful hard cock in my hand. Hmm … I felt myself turn wet for him – his skin so velvety smooth – his cock so damn hard already. Derek's wild sexy eyes bore into mine and I watched as his face became flushed with excitement. Heat rose to my cheeks too as he silently challenged me to a game of hot, hazy, white, dizzy, blank and beautiful … sex._

_Derek lowered himself slowly and I melted into his proximity, I relished the feeling of his bare skin. He peppered tiny sticky-wet kisses to my collarbone; something he knew drove me wild. It was just this crazy sensation I loved – with his lips pressed equally into my flesh and bone – it was somehow more intimate, more raw, more innate … hmm, I loved those sticky kisses. _

_My body rose to meet his and Derek ducked his head down and grabbed my lips with his, sucking hard. He reached behind me and unclasped my bra, pulled it from my arms and threw it behind him with a wicked smile. He swept his warm hands and mouth along my breasts and I watched as my nipples reacted to his touch, becoming dark and hard within seconds._

"Only you," Derek repeated again into my mouth as he kissed me again.

_His feathery fingers moved over my nipples as we kissed. I found his hand with mine and let him guide my fingers with his – I felt my nipples react to my touch too – my skin hot and prickled, my tiny, sensitive nubs begged to be devoured. _

_Derek leaned down and kissed my fingers one by one, he looked up and found my eyes he smiled like the devil before he took my nipple in his mouth and lapped and sucked and sucked and lapped until I was lost in a sea of mini orgasms … he switched sides and my pussy pulsed with raw need, my mind went blank …_ _I was nothing but a wasteland of skin and bones. _

_I did my best to recover – grabbing at any amount of the bed linens to ground myself – but my skin was hot and my head became even fuzzier around the edges. I sucked a deep breath in as Derek settled his taut body in between my legs and leaned to my left side before focusing on my scar. He placed his hand over my hip bone and pulled my panties down a little bit, passing his thumb back and forth against my pelvic bone above them. He leaned down and kissed me there – I quivered out of my skin – my hands went to his skull and stuck there like glue._

"You're sure?" he husked as took a deep breath of my scent. His hot breath fanned my pussy through my panties, and again I thought I might pass out. He slowly ran the pads of his fingers over my healed flesh. His eyes found mine in the dark as he waited for my answer.

"More than sure, I want you," I pleaded gently as I watched him press a kiss to my sensitive flesh there … before moving his lips along my hip bones to tickle me with more of those tiny wet impressions I loved so much. My body rose to meet his kisses and I giggled into the dark space above us as his wild hair tickled my belly.

_Swiftly, Derek rose and knelt back into his heels. I felt bereft without his radiant heat until I found his dark hazy eyes and was warmed from the inside out again. He smiled like the devil and shimmied back a little more. He was at the edge of the bed now as he bent my leg up and tugged on my jeans. I raised my hips and he pulled them off and tossed them aside. He slipped my socks from my feet. Locking his eyes with mine, he reached down and hooked his fingers into my panties and pulled them off with haste. He stood at the edge of the bed and pulled me to him. _

"Hmm, so beautiful," he muttered, maintaining his hold on my foot … massaging and working me over there.

_I squirmed as he stared at my vulnerable body. He looked raw and wild in the pale moonlight coming in from the skylight … he looked like an untamed wolf. My eyes reflexively fell to his cock again and I took my other foot and pressed it up against him there, his skin felt smooth and hard under my touch, his cock bobbed in response. I felt my heart give out and I pressed a hand against my muscle to steady my wild rhythm. Derek's eyes flickered up to my hand before he scanned my face – silently looking for reassurance – I smiled and gave it to him._

_Derek leaned down to kiss me, I reached forward and took his cock in my hand and brought it to my wet and ready center. I relaxed my legs before I moved his sensitive head up and down my sopping wet seam; I rubbed his fat head against my swollen clit – up down, up down – I wanted lose myself in him._

"Hmm, not yet," he said gruffly, halting my ministrations with one of his hands.

"Derek … Derek," I chanted into the air as I reached up and I took his damp cock in my hands again as he leaned down to kiss me once more.

_He pressed his tongue into my mouth and I lapped mine against his – once, twice – I moved my finger over his opening … I wanted nothing more than to fuck him senseless. He kissed me and then moved his lips further down my torso, stopping briefly at my breasts, kissing the underside of my sensitive bare skin there before moving down for his prize. _

_Derek knelt in front of me and placed my feet flat against the edge of the bed._ _My eyes rolled back into my head and I shook with anticipation. I felt the hot staccato of Derek's breath as it fanned my exposed pussy – my ears were flooded with the sound of my heartbeat as it began to accelerate – I felt my wet core begin to pulse systematically. _

_I popped my eyes open only to see Derek's head fully disappear from my view. And without another second passing, I felt my reward: his tongue slipped into my folds – instinctually, my hips came off of the bed to meet his mouth – but Derek only moaned and persisted, pressing down on my thighs and pelvic bone to keep me still. _

_I closed my eyes and felt Derek insert two fingers into my hot hole, he glided them in and out with ease – my hot juice covered his hand in no time – fully lubricating our machine. He stepped up his pace and without waiting a beat his hot breath grazed my folds before he flicked and swirled his tongue systematically against my clit over and over and over again. I heard myself moan as he held me down, I was losing all control and he nipped and sucked and pushed on all of my secret pleasure-points. I smelled my sex waft up and into the air and I was a goner._

_My heart stilled for a moment in time …_

_I sucked a deep breath in but only heard myself gasp_

_My nipples crystallized … snap, snap …_

_I grabbed for the bed linens … anything … anything to bring me back …_

_Back from oblivion … but it was too much …_

_My blood was already boiling …_

_I was past the point of no return …_

_I was dizzy with lust for him … _

_Only him._

_Dizzy with raw need …_

"_Derek!"_ I heard myself scream out breathlessly as my body hummed wildly, completely off-key.

_But he only moaned into my hole in response – pressing harder into me with his mouth – sending ferocious vibrations all over my body. He slowly pulled his fingers out and pressed his whole mouth over my pussy. I felt his chin press into my folds as he pressed his tongue hard against my throbbing clit. _

_All I could hear was his sucking and smacking and smacking and sucking as the vibrations from his moans continued to zap at every available nerve-ending housed within my body. _

_I clenched my ass up and into his mouth – essentially fucking him there – losing all control, for there was no way I would ever get enough of this man and what he did to me. I held onto his skull for dear life as he pulled back slightly only to push my thighs down and open against the bed. _

_I watched as he raised his head, I could see him surveying my pulsing damp, ready, wet, fat, swollen pussy with his lusty eyes. I thought he was finished, that he was gonna take me, let me take him in … but he only he only knelt in front of me again. _

"Beautiful, you taste so good," he muttered –_ lost in bliss _– his own world, a world where just he and I existed.

_He kissed my pussy once before delicately spreading my folds back with his fingers and plunging his siphon-mouth over his target again, this time darting his tongue from side to side around my engorged clit – side to side, up down, up down, side to side – over and over and over again until my legs and heart gave out completely. I was convulsing, my heart was on fire, my stomach muscles contracted in an effort to steady my rocking body. Yet, I still wanted more!_

_I grabbed Derek's head to keep his mouth pressed against my clit – my hips rose off of the bed – my breasts swayed from my sudden movements and I let myself go, I let myself go past the point of no return, my body shook with desire, with passion, with raw, untamed need. _

_Derek kept his mouth firmly over my pussy with tenacity now and I could tell he wouldn't let up, he got this way sometimes. He was in a zone, sucking me dry … lost within my body … completely lost in making love to me. _

_He pulled back slightly only to rub his thumb over my slippery clit – around and around – before he leaned back down, spread my folds back with his thumbs and took just my fat nub in his mouth and sucked on it, hard. He swiped his tongue up and down my entire seam and then sucked on my nub again, French kissing my pussy over and over again. I heard myself scream his name while he moaned into me again and I swear on my life I had never felt such a searing pleasurable pain before. _

_It hurt, but I secretly wanted more. _

_My body was spent, but I still wanted more. _

_I was wasted, but I still wanted more. _

_I was gone, completely lost in my orgasm, but I still wanted more of him. _

"I want you, only you," I whispered, my voice raspy, my throat dry. _"Please Derek, I need you, I need your cock … you know I love it … only you,"_ I pleaded into the darkness; my eyes closed tight, my hands in his hair.

_I slowly opened my eyes and found him pulling away from my hot core; he smiled and leaned down, his left hand on the side of my head. He pressed the thumb of his right hand on my clit and held it steady. I could feel it pulse under the pressure. He gently massaged me and I felt myself disappear into oblivion … my orgasm slowing down, my body relaxing, floating, hovering now._

_Derek came closer to me, our noses were almost touching, my chest still heaved with desire … his gaze never wavered, he smelled like me. The heat from his body covered me like a blanket._

"_I love you, only you,"_ he said, his eyes wet with emotion.

_I closed the distance between us and kissed him fully, I felt his hard cock dance and bob across my pelvic bone, Derek slipped his finger inside my wet hole and pulsed gently. I reached up and held his skull in my hands and I lapped at his tongue over and over and over again … he tasted like me._

"Let it go Meredith, you're so beautiful when you do," he husked, pressing his thumb to my clit one last time and holding it there. _The orgasm was slow, it was in slow motion, but it was there … a faint aftershock._ I closed my eyes and let the soft timbre of his voice relax me down from my blissful high, for he knew I needed a break. _"Even though it's dark right now, I know your skin is glowing, your cheeks are pink, your flesh is dewy, I love you, only you Meredith … I love what I do to you,"_ he said softly into my ear. He kissed me once more.

He pulled back and a small beautiful smile made just for me played along his lips, it reached his eyes in no time. He cocked his head to the side and kissed me once more before his eyes darted up and above me.

"Come to bed with me," he ordered softly. I moved up and into bed, Derek was right behind me. I slipped inside the sheets and he moved the pillows from the other side of the bed. He added a pillow to prop my head up. I lay my head down and looked up and into his dark eyes.

"Lift up, up," he said softly; he sat on his left foot with his right foot flat on the mattress, his cock at full attention … ready for the taking.

_I did as he said, clenching my ass muscles up, grazing his cock with my folds as I went. Derek took the pillow and placed it under my ass, my pussy was now exactly where he wanted it to be … aligned with his cock. I lay back into my pillows, my legs fell open and I peeked up and into Derek's crystal clear gateways. His eyes never left mine as he held his cock and swiftly moved up and down my hot seam. He added pressure the second time he did it and I almost came unglued._

"_Derek,"_ I gasped and closed my eyes. I felt the fat head of his cock again as he pressed deeper still along my outer perimeters without penetration. _The teasing drove me wild … my need to clench down on his cock grew with each passing stroke._

"_Meredith,"_ came his warbled voice.

_I opened my eyes and found my lover in the dark; he looked wild, his skin radiant, his glistening cock in his hand. He looked stuck, stymied … lost in this moment. But I knew his heart and soul had been found just like mine._

"_Derek," _I called out softly, jarring him from his faraway thoughts, bringing him back to me.

_His gaze moved to meet mine, and without another word he guided his cock inside me, inch by beautiful inch … slowly, purposefully, filling me, completing me, leveling me … with our perfect connection. _

"Perfection," he husked as he reached down and pressed his thumb to my swollen clit. "Hmm, you feel so good," he hummed, his voice barely audible.

"So damn good," I agreed.

_My eyes rolled back into my head, but I forced myself to stay with him, I opened my eyes and my thighs even wider to accept more from him. Derek hooked my right leg under his forearm and reached over my head to hold on to the bed with his other hand as he slowly rocked his cock in and out of me. He used the bed to stabilize himself as he knelt and gently pounded into my hot pussy._

_I looked down across the plane of my body and watched his glistening rod appear and disappear, appear and disappear … he felt so damn good, so damn perfect! He quickened his tempo slightly and I felt my vaginal walls stretch around his cock with each penetrating stroke. I felt his sack bang against my ass as I opened myself up to take even more of him …I wanted it deeper, deeper, deeper, more, more, more. _

"_Derek,"_ I managed to get out, I needed air, I needed to breathe, but I didn't want to slow down, for I needed him too much. _"Deeper, I need it, you, I need it deeper, deeper, only you!"_ I pleaded desperately.

_I took my left shin in my left hand and pulled it back towards me, Derek slowed his tempo for longevity. I continued to watch his slippery cock move in and out of me – I focused on it – I was mesmerized by it. I looked up and saw that he was watching our connection too … he was focused, driven and completely in the moment with me._

"I love you, only you," I husked, my voice cracked. Derek diverted his gaze from our machine and locked his hot blue eyes on mine. I could tell he absorbed my words.

_Without taking his eyes off of mine, I felt him raise his tempo again in an effort to connect – to get us off – to take us to oblivion. I braced myself and smiled at Derek. His eyes twinkled in the darkness as he gently pounded into me again and again and again. He took his thumb and pressed down on my clit for a half of a second before he simply left it there, hovering. I looked down and watched as my swollen nub brushed against his thumb – back and forth, back and forth – as my body moved with Derek's tempo._

"I'm close, so fucking close," he husked thickly, maintaining his pace.

_His cock bumped my cervix over and over and over again in rapid succession. I released my leg and moved my hands down to spread my slick folds apart; I found my clit and pressed down evenly on it, I needed more pressure still. Derek's eyes flashed to mine, the devil was there. _

_I watched as he leaned back and moved his cock all the way out of my hole only to plunge back inside of me so deep, so deep … I almost couldn't take it, my breasts went wild from the sheer force of his movement within me. I was lost and I wasn't sure how I could take it, but I wanted more!_

_Derek read my mind and pulled himself out of my depths again – his rock hard muscle glistened with our sex – dripping red flesh, hard, wet… until he pierced me again with his cock … he had no mercy … bang, bang, bang!_

"_Hmm … again Derek!"_ I whined and he did just that.

_All I could feel was his thumb grazing my clit and my sopping wet core as I swallowed Derek whole every time he impaled me. My walls closed in around him, then released him only to fully take him into me again. I left my fingers on my slick folds and felt my vagina pulse against Derek every time he pushed back into me, my fingers were wet with our sex and I loved it. _

_All I could hear was our soaking wet machine, our moans of pleasure, our connection and our bond smacking together with systematic intervals of passion. _

_All I could smell was us … our sex … it permeated the air we breathed, it was divine._

_I thrust my hips up to meet Derek's movements in an effort to bang my pelvic bone into his. I needed him, I needed it deeper – I wanted to cum – I needed to release and I wanted pressure on my clit … I needed more, I simply needed more. _

_Sensing my needs, Derek rubbed two of his fingers across my wet clit as he pounded into me over and over and over again. He pressed down on my nub again and I took one last look at him before my head lolled back and my eyes closed on their own accord. My walls went nuts and I drenched his cock with my juice as my orgasm beat me up. _

_I was wasted; my body took control of its needs as my pussy systematically clenched down and around Derek in an effort to hold him there – ride it out – keep him inside of me. _

_I was lost …_

_Derek was lost …_

_There were no lines between us now … _

_We were one in the same._

"_Meredith,"_ I heard his low grunt as he smacked into me deeply one last time, he moaned as I clenched around him tighter than I ever had before as my orgasm continued to wash over me like waves crashing at the shore. Derek heaved as he released his load into me and even with my eyes closed I knew his face would be covered with an expression of tortured bliss just like mine.

_Derek released my right leg, I was covered in dew as he hovered over me for a brief moment in time before he relaxed and came down to rest on top of me. I burrowed deeper into my lover, relishing in the comfort of his bare skin on mine. I lay my hands on his sides and held him against me. My vaginal muscles continued to clamp around his twitching cock. I hooked my feet around his low back and pressed him into me. _

_We lay there together … completely sated and full of each other._

"_I love you, only you,"_ Derek whispered into my neck. _"I mean it, every time I say it … I mean it, forever,"_ he added softly.

"Forever, I mean it too," I replied softly, for it was really true. "There's only you, I love you," I added. Derek burrowed deeper into me, I held him tighter, allowing myself to savor this moment.

_I closed my eyes and let that genuine post-orgasmic bliss seep into every bone, muscle and nerve within my body. I let myself relax into oblivion with him. I pressed my lips into Derek's dewy neck. He ran his beautiful mouth over my shoulder in return. A shiver traveled up my spine and I melted into him even more. I felt him shift slightly and his softened cock slipped out of my tired pussy. _

_I let his sleep-laden bodyweight push me into the mattress and seal this moment into my physical memory bank. _

_I wanted to remember the moment those lines disappeared between us, the moment we merged into one another in triplicate: mind, body and spirit. _

_Even if, in my heart of hearts, I knew we had merged long ago, perhaps even the night we met. I think it was in this moment, I had fully come to realize what it meant to be in this with Derek, so deeply in this thing that there was no beginning or end to me or him when it came to us. _

_It was true, Derek and I had made love many times over by now, but for some reason I felt compelled to remember this one time __forever__. Maybe it was because of my new beginning full moon or because the congruent lines had finally merged for good. But, no matter the reason – I wanted to remember this night – the sensational memory of Derek's skin on mine, his wild impassioned eyes, his beautiful kisses, his cock nestled deep within me … all of it. _

_I never wanted to forget what our connection – both physical and emotional – meant to me and to us. As I relaxed into the moment, with the weight of my lover pressing me down, I finally let myself go and succumbed to the darkness of sleep._

###

I came out of my blissful state hours later only to hear Derek's soft voice fill my mind. I kept my eyes closed as he spoke to me and tried to focus on his words. I heard small ideas … words strung together ... most importantly I heard him whisper – _'I love you' – _over and over again.

I felt his thumb move back and forth against the sensitive skin just under my breasts. His ear was pressed against my heart muscle and his warm breath fanned my opposite nipple. I had no idea what he had been saying, for I woke up too late to hear his complete range of thoughts. _But my heart knew everything was just fine … everything was merged and aligned._ I felt his body become heavier as sleep came for him again and only then did I open my eyes.

I peered up and through the skylight into the night sky and was struck by what I saw there. It was my new beginning full moon and it was beyond gorgeous! Derek was right … it was higher in the sky and it had turned into that bright white reflection of the sun we all knew so well. It was a perfect full moon – _and it was mine_ – and it was the _only_ thing I could see through the skylight, well thatand the crystal clear reflection of a completely happy, radiant woman in love.

_I smiled and burrowed deeper into Derek's warmth, letting his heat heal my aching muscles and bones … closing any distance between us, merging those lines again, breaking down the final barriers and suffusing myself to him once more._

_Yes, the lonely lines of my childhood were gone … merged. For Derek and I were fused together and I was able to move on from the painful alienation I carried in my heart for my whole life. The dreaded silos had been dismantled, leaving me with nothing but my lover draped over me in the solace of our enclave in the middle of nowhere. _

_An enclave surrounded by endless fields of golden dreams, each ripe for the picking – dreams that were brightly illuminated tonight by my new beginning full moon – and then by each full moon thereafter … and forevermore._

**Chapter 19 to follow.**


	45. Chapter 19, Don't Let Go, Part 1 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: T****his song is lovely and powerful, I had long grown out of Bryan Adams, but then when I constructed this piece I heard this song and well, with Sarah ****McLachlan****, it is just pretty special. **

**I would be remiss if I didn't say, "thank you" for dropping me a line of encouragement with the last posted chapter, it was lovely to hear from some new people.**

**I truly hope you stick with this story here, for we are fast approaching the meat of the story, the true reason for this piece of fiction. Enjoy and please comment!**

**Chapter 19 – Don't Let Go**

Lyrics for "Don't Let Go":

I can't believe this moment's come  
It's so incredible that we're alone  
There's so much to be said and done  
It's impossible not to be overcome  
Will you forgive me if I feel this way  
Cuz we've just met - tell me that's OK  
So take this feeling 'n make it grow  
Never let it - never let it go  
(Don't let go of the things you believe in)  
You give me something that I can believe in  
(Don't' let go of this moment in time)  
Go of this moment in time  
(Don't let go of things that you're feeling)  
I can't explain the things that I'm feeling  
(Don't' let go)  
No, I won't let go

Now would you mind if I bared my soul  
If I came right out and said you're beautiful  
Cuz there's something here I can't explain  
I feel I'm diving into driving rain  
You get my senses running wild  
I can't resist your sweet, sweet smile  
So take this feeling 'n make it grow  
Never let it - never let it go

_[Chorus:]_  
I've been waiting all my life  
To make this moment feel so right  
The feel of you just fills the night  
So c'mon - just hold on tight

**Chapter 19 – Don't Let Go – Part 1 of 2 **

There are times in life when things just feel right, and for me that moment has come. We feel like our timing is on and we're finally in the right place at the right time. We feel like the Gods are smiling upon us. _We feel like we finally caught up with our fate or destiny …_ _maybe even our second chance._ When faced with those times, most of us feel a sense of urgency to hold on tight and never, ever let go – _for we've made it_ – we're right where we are supposed to be. There is no question, no second-guessing.

We've all felt this way before – _and the thing is_ – usually I'm the one who sits and waits for the other shoe to drop, for things to become difficult or disjointed to the point that they do not make sense anymore … _I usually sit and wait for the beginning of the end. _

But as I shifted in my sleep this morning and felt that delicious ache in my bones and nerves from our games last night – _I realized I didn't stifle a sigh and my heart didn't flutter with worry as it might normally do_ – because I was right where I was meant to be. Finally I was right on time – _not a day late, not two days early_ – finally my timing was perfect.

_They say timing is everything and without warning – snapshots, little flutters, and fractional memories – of the night I met Derek passed over my mind. Timing … my timing could have been impeccable that night. _

It was still dark outside, this I knew – _for the birds were not calling out yet_ – but I could tell the eerie blue pre-dawn light was imminent now … and as usual, it was freezing in here! I thought about hopping into the shower just to warm up, but I didn't want to wake Derek yet.

_If I could have this morning, this moment in time repeat itself over and over again for the rest of my life, I would take it, for I loved waking up and finding Derek beside me, it was just something I didn't want to let go of … ever. So, now as the minutes ticked on, it seemed all I had to do was wake up to fulfill that small dream once more. _

I opened my tired eyes and peered at Derek's sleeping form, _the trailer was dark_, the light from outside was so dim it did not have the power to infiltrate our enclave yet. Derek's breathing was regular, _soft_, his chest rose – _up and down as it should_ – he was content and warm _and_ within reach, _all I had to do was move a fraction of an inch and I would be flush up against him_, tangled in his radiant heat. But I didn't dare wake him – _for_ _I loved watching him sleep_ – probably about as much as he loved watching me do the same. _There was a childish innocence to him, the way he hugged his pillow … the same way he sometimes hugged me for comfort._

He was full of peace, without a care or worry in the world and I liked seeing him this way. It made me happy to see Derek relaxed, for once he opened his eyes; he was often transformed into a more intense being, a more intense version of himself … _and not at all in a bad way_. It was his soulful eyes … they were deep and gave nothing away – _except to me_ – I liked to think they betrayed him … _I liked to think I could see more depth into him than anyone else._

From the moment I met him, I knew. _I knew there was more to him than met the eye_. Of course I knew Derek would argue and say it was me … that his eyes opened wider for mine only. _But I knew better, because I had seen his eyes dance a thousand times since I met him._ If he was forlorn or broken, I would see a slow waltz and at other happier times it was the jitter bug – _but no matter the dance_ – his eyes held experience, they held depth, wonder and sadness, but thankfully they also held love and tenderness.

_I smiled and decided to move that fraction of an inch, Derek's arms circled my body instinctually and I kissed his naked chest, I draped my leg over his thighs, my knee caressing his cock … it responded to my simple touch and I had to smile._

"I love you so much," I whispered into the warmth of his bare skin _(and I meant that more as a silent confirmation to myself rather than a declaration to him)_, so I was surprised by the intrusion of my cracking voice and the unexpected tears that formed in my eyes after I spoke. I blinked them away with haste, Derek stirred against me.

"I love you _more_," came his soft raspy voice, my heart flipped inside out. He kissed my head through my hair. "Good morning," he said, sweeping his head down, piercing me with those sleep-filled gateways I loved so much.

"Good morning," I said, pumping his lips _soft and quick._ Derek only smiled and pressed his lips together in that tight smirk I found so adorable.

_I burrowed deeper into his heat and let myself hold on tight and relax into the moment. Derek kissed my neck and I rolled out of his arms and on to my back, reflexively he rolled over and gently came down on top of me – pressing me into our pillows – settling his firm body in between my legs, his chest pressed into my pelvic bone._

"Hi," he said softly, his gentle eyes scanned mine – _back and forth_ – he kissed me once more, his fingers passing over my nipples.

"Hi," I giggled as he wasted no time before pressing kisses to my collarbone; his wild locks tickled my neck as he nipped at my skin, _the soft skin of his chest grazed across my breasts as he kissed me over and over again_ …my nipples hard as diamonds from his barely-there touch.

"Hmm, _hello_," I moaned as I moved to clasp my feet around his lower back. I pressed my already wet center into his body and felt him shift, his cock bobbed against my groin. _I felt that zing, zing sting my clit … I bucked my hips up to find his rod._

"Meredith?" he said, his breath hitched and he silently asked me if I was up for it … _him_. He kissed me again, before dragging his wet lips down to capture one of my nipples in his hot mouth. His hand moved down to my scar and I felt him caress my healed skin.

"Yes, yes," I insisted, bucking my hips up against his raging hard cock again.

"Not too sore?" he asked urgently before switching sides, feasting on my opposite nipple now – _suck, nip, blow, press, suck, bite_ – I opened my legs wider and pressed myself against his belly. He snaked one hand down and pressed his palm over my mound. He moved one finger through my slick folds and slowly eased it into my depths, testing my natural inclination. "Hmm, so wet, hot," he said into my neck, before hovering his body up and over my pelvic bone.

_With one final wordless answer, I shifted and reached down for his velvety smooth cock, I took it in my hand and guided him into my molten pussy. We moaned in unison as Derek filled me to the brink. My delicate muscles were raw and sore from our games last night, but as Derek began to move rhythmically, my body began to hum to his beat and I fully lubricated our machine within seconds. I shifted my hips up and back and let Derek penetrate me as deeply as this angle would permit._

"Oh, I love this, I love you," he said as he quickly stepped up his pace.

_I found his face in the dark, caught his glistening eyes and felt a dewy sheen cover his skin. I reached up and cupped his face; he was hot to the touch. He put his arms over my head like a halo, his hands resting in my wild tresses. My skin began to tingle and I felt a hot prickly fever cover my body in a matter of seconds. My heart rate accelerated as Derek worked us both over._

"Hmm, so good, so deep," I said in encouragement.

_My juice flooded around his cock, he felt so good! I took Derek's earlobe in my mouth and sucked, hard. I put my nose into his neck, he smelled so delicious … he smelled like us. I sucked in a deep breath of our lingering sex and I lost myself for a moment. _

_My body was embroiled in a silent battle … my nerve endings snapped left and right, up and down with no sign of letting up. Small fractional images of our lovemaking flurried through my mind as I held on to my lover for dear life._

"Oh, oh, so good," Derek grunted as he began to pound into me more rapidly. I felt his sack bang against my ass and I reached down and around, gently palming him there. I felt him reflexively tighten under my touch and I had to smile. He growled into my ear and his vibrations traveled down my spine, only fueling my core even more.

"Derek," I moaned into his ear. "I need you, _I'm almost there,_" I persisted.

_He only stepped up his pace in response, his sole purpose now to feel the release, to find oblivion for us both. His wild eyes locked on mine for a split-second before I raised my knees under his arms. He pressed down, rocking into me deeper and with more leverage … I took every beautiful inch of him inside me over and over and over again. _

"So close," he husked into my ear.

_Derek released my knees and I reached down between us and pressed my fingers over my swollen clit, hmm, my pussy was so slick, so turned on. I pressed down even harder and bucked my hips up to meet Derek's movements. He only pounded into me more furiously in response. I massaged my swollen nerves and felt the effects of my burgeoning orgasm begin to take my faculties from me … oh God, he felt so damn perfect, his cock was so damn strong and steady… he filled me up like no other! _

"So close," he repeated desperately now, I felt his body begin to tremble in my arms.

_I felt myself begin to fade …_

_My eyes closed tight …_

_My walls clenched hard …coveting his cock … _

_Locking him down and inside me for keeps … forever and always._

"_Hold on tight,"_ came his warbled voice.

_I opened my eyes and was met with his dark blue ones as he slammed into me one last time, tilting my whole body back and up, bumping my cervix with his cock – smack, smack – forcing my fingers deep into my swollen clit._

"Derek!" I heard myself scream as my orgasm rocked me completely, taking my breath and nerves away with it.

_I was wasted, drowning in a sea of our arms, legs, sheets and body heat._

_My senses went wild, my pussy clenching over and around his twitching cock, refusing to let up, refusing to let go._

_Derek was gone; cast out to sea, for he was the eye of the storm raging within my body._

_I was gone; slipping into the undertow of bliss … but I treaded water, desperate to hold on to him now._

_We were thrown apart by the storm, lost at sea together, yet hopelessly found and bound to one another … life preservers._

_There was no beginning to me and no end to him._

_The tidal wave of bliss rocked and lulled and lulled and rocked us._

_Derek clung to me and I to him like never before – for he was my lover – my everything … my anchor … and I was his._

As the current balanced and the waves of our orgasms eased into a steady stream again, I opened my eyes. I kissed Derek's neck – _the pre-dawn light had illuminated the room_ – casting dull bluish, gray shadows along the short walls of the trailer. I turned my head and could finally hear the birds chirping now that Derek and I were quiet, lost, found and everything in between.

_Derek moved, releasing his cock from my depths. I felt empty, barren for a moment without him tucked safely inside me. He reached behind him and pulled the blanket over us again. He settled himself back on top of me, his ear pressed against my heart, his hands in my hair. I let myself get lost in the calming sound of his easy breathing – low tide waves crashed against the shore now –my eyes closed on their own accord._

"_I would go to the end of the earth for you,"_ Derek whispered into my flesh.

_I heard myself gasp into the air as my heart skipped a beat upon words and without warning tears pricked my eyes and I thought I might cry from the sheer intensity of my feelings for this man. Derek popped his head up; perhaps he felt my jarring heart rhythm and scanned my face with his gentle eyes … looking for something … anything. _

"I'm okay, it's just …can I show you something?" I squeaked out, my voice cracked but Derek only smiled, leaned up and kissed me senseless. I held on tight to my lover – _my buoy_ – plunging my tongue into his depths … _savoring, searing, and burning this moment into my bank._ _His meaningful words were already running a continuous loop in my head. _Derek pulled away first.

"Does it involve soap and a slippery you in the shower?" he challenged me like only the devil would.

"No!" I laughed, but he leaned down and canceled my chuckle with his lips, I pulled away quickly. "Maybe later, but first can we go for a short walk?" I asked, smiling to myself.

Derek's eyes danced with amusement, I leaned up on my elbow and smiled. I put my hand on his warm bare chest, leaned down and sucked on his nipple – _back and forth_ – Derek sucked in a deep breath of our air.

"Hmm," he moaned, I flicked my tongue against his sensitive nub, only to feel my nipples harden in response. "Hmm, Meredith Grey wants to walk out into the cold morning?" he laughed incredulously, pulling me away from his chest, locking his gaze on mine.

"That's what Meredith Grey wants, yes," I said, watching as his eyes were illuminated against the brighter light coming in from the outside.

"Then that's what Meredith Grey shall have!" he exclaimed, swiftly pulling the covers back before extricating himself from our warmth. He tossed the blanket back over me and I laughed. I only burrowed deeper watching his beautiful naked body move as he quickly slipped on a pair of jeans and a sweater. He went to the small dresser inside the closet and pulled out a pair of panties, some of my sweats and a fleece pullover of his for me, he turned around. "Is this all okay for you?" he asked … _suddenly the exuberant child was back._

"Yes, and socks please, the wool kind," I said softly as he tossed the clothing onto the bed.

Derek grabbed a pair and tossed them to me, before climbing back onto the bed … it shook under his movement.

"What are you up to, we're walking, remember?" I teased, but he only hovered over me, dipping his face down to mine … _his eyes dark and serious, but wild and playful at the same time._ He leaned down and kissed me, pumping my lips once more.

"We could stay," he whined, crashing his lips over mine. "You only have that triage thing, we can be late," he added before kissing me again.

"No, we can't and I want to show you something special," I managed to say, before he lay down on top of me began twirling my hair in his hands. _His body weight pushed into me … I could have stayed in the moment forever._

"Hmm, well, I want to show you something special too," he smirked and I laughed. He rolled off of the bed and stood, he gave me one last look, but I only batted my lashes and shook my head, answering with a silent, _"No."_

Derek conceded and slipped into the bathroom. I reached out of the warm bed and gabbed the clothing, it was cool to the touch. I slipped the panties and the fleece on and then threw my legs over the side of the bed; the cold air attacked my bare skin. I slipped the sweatpants and socks on with haste and stood on the cold floor, ready to wash up, make coffee and embark on this small journey with my lover.

###

Dawn was just beginning to break and even though I was pretty sure I could find the clearing in my sleep, I held a flashlight in front of us to illuminate our footing over the unfamiliar terrain just in case. As we walked down and to the right a little bit, Derek reached out and took my free hand; I laced my fingers through his and smiled to myself at how surreal this actually was.

As we made our decent the morning-fresh air only seemed to become chillier – _the unforgiving wind whipped up and around us_ – and I almost wanted to retreat to the warm confines of the trailer. But all was forgotten when I finally spotted the cluster of old pine trees I had used as my mental-marker last night. _They were in sight now; my heart picked up a beat and pulsed new hot blood into my veins._ I stepped up my speed, just knowing what was on the other side of those trees made me dizzy with excitement.

In the matter of a minute or two we were there, the aging trees loomed over us; a gust of harsh air pushed its way up and over the cluster, snapping up our backs, _daring us to move forward in our task._ I stood still for a beat, raised the flashlight and pointed it into the deep cavern of the small forest. I took a couple of steps forward; Derek released my hand. I gingerly stepped onto the darkened ground, listening to my footsteps press into the old leaves – _I was suddenly warmer_ – naturally protected from the wind. I took another step forward – _the leaves crackled again_ – but I quickly realized the only footsteps I could hear were my own.

I turned around to find Derek as he stood just outside the clearing and my heart froze, the world simply stopped spinning ... our dutiful bubble appeared, encapsulating us both. He looked ethereal, like an angel or something close to it; the morning mist shrouded him, clouding his strong facial features, softening his otherwise intense eyes. I would say he looked like a boy, but it was more than that – _there was a wonder there I had only seen once, maybe twice_ – he looked like he did that night he came to see me after the bomb went off. He shifted on his feet and without saying a word he smiled slightly, almost reflectively as if he had a secret. He was miles away. I could tell – _even though he was standing mere feet from me_ – he was in another world entirely. He cocked his head and his gaze found mine, he shook himself from his private reverie.

"Derek," I called softly, allowing the wind to carry my voice.

He smiled, the sky became a shade brighter and the world began to move again, the leaves rustled above, the birds called to one another, the wind howled all around us.

"Where are you taking me?" Derek choked out, his voice laden with emotion, he didn't move an inch. I smiled.

"To the end of the earth," I replied softly with a smile.

_And then I saw it, a flicker if something so beautiful cross over Derek's whole face … wonder, relief, anticipation, and excitement rolled into one overpowering emotion. His whole being softened._

I said nothing more and held my hand out to him. He was standing in front of me in a matter of seconds; I could hear nothing but my pounding heart as I anticipated his kiss ... his touch. He took my skull in his hands and smiled, scanning my eyes – _back and forth_ – before kissed me, soft and quick at first, then with more power and energy than I expected. I inhaled deeply and breathed Derek in, he smelled like him … and me, us … plus earthy, like aging pine trees and fresh clean morning air. _The moment was divine; I never wanted to let go._

I reluctantly pulled away from my lifeline and let my eyes rest on his. Our breath swirled up and around us; I could feel the heat from his touch warm me from the inside out. I smiled.

"Come on," I whispered, taking his hand.

I raised the flashlight again and began to walk with Derek's hand in mine. We emerged from the cluster after several long strides. All I could see was the mist in front of us and I silently wondered if we would be able to see anything at all. _The moon, long gone … the cloud-cover heavy… the low lying mist, debilitating our sight at best … I wondered, would the magic be lost? _But I pressed on and stepped out from under the pine tree-shelter and into that mist without looking back.

Within seconds I could feel the dew cover me like a wet blanket. Derek squeezed my hand as we slowly walked through those long blades of bright green grass I seen for the first time last night. A gust of cold, heavy air pounded across the plain and I shivered and then stopped. Derek came up flush behind me. He took the flashlight from me; I heard a click and then a thud as he dropped it to the ground. He rested his chin on my shoulder, his warm breath fanned my neck and I melted into him like butter on hot toast.

Through the mist I could barely make out the small sleepy town below us, but I knew it was there. I watched the blades of grass struggle to move with the wind this morning, for they were laden with too many precious water droplets, undoubtedly the source of their natural growth and beauty. The air smelled like fresh moss.

_I was lost atop a mountain with my lover. _

_It was truly the dawn of a new day … a day full of promise and hope._

_A day with swings of momentum, new beginnings and dreams of the future._

"_You found my secret spot," _came Derek's soft voice, my heart stilled and the world stopped for the second time this morning.

"Your secret …," I breathed, inhaling a large gulp of air in an attempt to calm my racing heart. Instead I eased myself further into his warmth and waited for him to continue.

"_You're right, it's like the end of the earth," _Derek chuckled into my neck, before dropping a kiss to my flesh. I shivered._ "I couldn't think of words to describe it when I first saw this place," _he said breathlessly. He kissed the top of my head._ "The best I came up with was that it seemed like a small slice of heaven on earth … but 'the end of the earth' and the beginning of the heavens sounds even more … perfect," _he heaved and I turned into him, kissing the underside of his neck, before reaching up and losing myself into the depths of his mouth.

"Derek," I said, pulling my lips from his, finding his endless eyes. "It could all happen here, our dreams, the second chances, _the momentum of the swing_," I whispered, my breath hitched in my throat. "It's all happening, it could happen here; I found this place last night and you …you –"

"I found this spot the first day I came out here, it's the reason I bought this land," Derek smiled, pulling me closer, he wrapped his arms around me and let him overtake me.

_He looked down and stared into my eyes and shook his head with pure wonder. I turned my gaze away and we watched as the last of the low-lying mist rose off the grass and into the atmosphere all around us. _

"_I was lost when I came to Seattle, you know that, I was lost,"_ he admitted, his chin resting on my head. _"The land broker left me out here so I could take a look around,"_ he chuckled. _"I remember, as I made my way down here, I kept beating myself up. I couldn't believe they betrayed me like that … I was lost, heart-broken, sad. I wondered how I was ever gonna come back from everything," _Derek sighed, his warm breath cascaded down my neck. I looked up and watched as a lone tear popped from his left eye and traveled down his face. I wiped it away for him.

"Shh, Derek," I said, feeling my heart begin to tremble for his old pain. "It's all better now though, all better now," I soothed, kissing him hard as thick tears collected in my eyes.

"No crying Meredith," he said softly, wiping my cold tears from my cheeks. "Not up here, not with me," he said, his deep eyes danced happily and I felt everything just fall away.

"You could build here, that house you want, your dream house," I rambled, my mind racing a mile a minute.

"We could, we could," he said into my hair as he hugged me tight, my heart raced on his words. "Everything is within reach from up here, the dream house – _the house of dreams_ – it's all for the taking," he sighed softly. I clung to him then and held him close with everything I had in me.

_I looked up and found his glassy emotion-filled eyes. I smiled, reaching up to cradle his skull with my brittle hands. I brought his cold lips down to mine and wasted no time before we were lost in the sea of our kiss. I pumped his lips over and over and over again to save him, while Derek dipped his tongue into my depths only to rescue me right back. _

_Our bubble came down and protected us, shielded us from the rest of the world. Derek held my head, gently moving me, my body like clay in his strong hands as he kissed me over and over again. Our steamy breath swirled up and out, dissipating into the atmosphere while our hearts soared to new heights and we dared to dream of the impossible ... together. _

_And as we kissed each other at the mid-point of where heaven met earth, the last of the puzzle pieces were finally found … Derek and I were found. _

_And with that realization, I held on tight and never wanted to let go of him or this moment in time. For, it was true, the moment had finally come and our timing was perfect as we kissed our way into our future on this random parcel of land Derek Shepherd happened to buy when he began chasing his second chance._

_The same parcel of land on which I would __find and keep__ my new beginning full moon._

_The same parcel of land where we would finally realize the full potential of our unearthed dreams. _

**Chapter 19 – Don't Let Go – Part 2 of 2**


	46. Chapter 19, Don't Let Go, Part 2 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Two words … trust me. **

**Chapter 19 – Don't Let Go – Part 2 of 2**

_An hour and half later we stood at the helm on the ferryboat and I was still dreaming of heaven and earth and everything in between. I would be slightly late for rounds, which under normal_

_circumstances, I would be mega-freaked out about … but with the morning I just had with Derek, I wouldn't have traded that time – for anything – not even Bailey's wrath would be able to penetrate my euphoria. _

_Derek. Heaven. Earth._

So now, Derek and I stood _together _and let the ferryboat contribute to our bliss by floating and gliding us to work. It was simple, beautiful and perfect – _this vessel_ – sometimes it felt like a time machine or some other kind of magical place where everything just stopped and we could watch the world go by inch by inch, slowly and steadily … gently pressing us into the future of the unknown.

Of course, everything else seemed more intense, _surreal_, after our moment on the clearing earlier. I was still lost in that harmony we set forth as Derek boxed me in and rested his chin on my shoulder, a new habit he had taken to; I instinctually pushed back into his warmth, a new habit I had taken to.

The cold air slammed into us as the wind traveled across the deck and dropped off the other side. It seemed to alternate – _hitting us from the front and then the back_ – it was Mother Nature's sparring match and we were no obstacle. No matter the direction of the gusts it was frigid, but I didn't care – _for this moment was mine and I couldn't let it go_ – all I could think about was Derek and heaven and earth.

_Derek. Heaven. Earth._

The wind whipped over the deck again and the smell of the raw sea wafted up and swirled around us. I peered down below; the water's rigid white caps looked bitter and cold and completely unforgiving. I shivered and sucked in a deep breath of the damp, thick air – _for the fog didn't help, it was wet_ – everything was covered with a fine mist.

_I noticed there was a thick layer of fog hovering over the gray water too_ … _in essence there was no beginning or end to the sky and the water. Everything was damp, cold, gray, bleak and without promise._

And yet, nothing could tamp out the raging fire of hope within my heart. _Nothing._ For I had seen heaven on earth and so had Derek – _both together and apart from one another_ – and it was glorious. I felt Derek's hot breath breeze across my cheek and I knew he was going in for the kill so I turned my head and kissed his lips before he could plant them on my neck. I pumped them soft and quick, _he moaned into my mouth_, pressing his hot air into my lungs as he did. An involuntary shiver zipped up and down my spine and I, for one, wasn't convinced it was from our harsh surroundings.

"Do you want to go back to the car?" Derek asked into my mouth as I turned into him, my back pressed against the railing now.

"Hmm, no, no, I'm cold, _freezing_, but no," I giggled, snaking my arms low around his waist, pressing my ear to his heart muscle. I cherished this time with him too much.

_He held me even closer; I felt his natural warmth seep into my bones, nerves, muscles – my everything – every part of me craved his proximity. His hot breath fanned the top of my head and he pressed a lingering kiss there. Our bubble appeared again, allowing this moment to last a minute longer, before the wind and the sea and the noise and the bustle of life infiltrated our sacred space once again. _

_The boat swayed over the current and Derek tightened his hold around me briefly before he relaxed again. We moved slightly and then swayed again; I let myself relax into him so he could take the lead. Derek shifted on his feet – once, twice – and for a moment it felt like we were dancing. _

_Derek. Heaven. Earth._

Derek pulled back and raised my chin with his fingers, I found his amused eyes. He kissed me quickly, before pulling back again. "Were we just dancing?" he smirked.

"Yes, I think we were," I giggled. He raised his brow, but said nothing before he leaned in and kissed me long and deep with his ice cold lips before he pulled away and stared at me for a split-second, _his eyes danced happily and I melted a little more on the inside_, consumed by our perfect moment at sea.

"Come on," he took my hand. "Let's go down to the car before you freeze to death," he added, before leading me towards the outside steps.

_We crossed the deck and briskly walked around the railing, I stepped on to the first step, it was slick and I lost my footing, my hand slipped along the wet railing and I skidded down one or two steps, losing all control for a moment in time. My heart jumped into my throat and effectively lodged itself there and I felt a fever prick my skin and cover me like a wet blanket. I felt Derek on me right away, holding my shoulders and back as he righted me and held me tight. _

"Whoa, whoa," he said as he caught me, I chucked, albeit nervously and we continued on our task.

Our steps made this muted metal sound as we went down– _clank, clank, clank – _an alternating shuffling of muffled steps and our raspy breathing overpowered the small area. There were a few people at the landing in front of us, the steps vibrated loudly now – _clank, clank, clank_ – there were other passengers bringing up the rear.

I was still shaken from my skid and just wanted to get to the warm car so we pressed on. And as we made our way, the smell of the salty sea only became more intense in our decent. I glanced down at the water and noticed I could barely see it from up here – _it was shrouded in fog _– still seamless as it meshed with the sky. I took a deep breath in to steady my heart, but only heavy wet air infiltrated my lungs, burning them on contact. I focused on my breathing for a moment, attempting to slow it down – _slow, slow, slow_ – and as I did I was jarred from my easier rhythm by a horrifically unrecognizable, congruent force and sound!

_The sound, it was like nothing else I had ever heard – I was shaken – completely surprised and overpowered by the harshness of it! Fear ripped through me, although I had no idea why. I felt Derek's firm hands pinch shoulders and the world stopped … and not at all in a good way._

_The ripping sound, it grounded me, it sounded like the earth and heaven had opened up – metal crashing, twisting, warping, crunching – similar to a car crash only intensely magnified by what could only be sheer size and force and unforgiving speed! _

_I heard Derek shriek my name and I gripped the wet railing, but there was a strong force of movement, pushing, pulsing – an undercurrent of evil – and I was so scared I couldn't focus on anything! _

_I had lost myself, and before I knew it, the power behind this destructive sound and force literally moved me, threw me and discarded me … like I was some kind of rag doll! _

_My body succumbed to that force and I was pole-vaulted into the sky or something … something even more freakish …for I had flipped over the short railing at the bottom of the steps, my heart pounded into my ears, my brain was moving a million miles a second – I blinked hard, trying to focus – but it was no use!_

_I was free-falling into thin air … the chasm of water and fog waited for me now!_

_Derek!_

_I had no grip, nothing to ground myself … the bay would swallow me whole!_

_Heaven!_

_I was lost, plummeting, falling, flailing … this was it! _

_Earth!_

_But then by __some kind of miracle__ Derek got me! He had lunged forward and gripped me with all of his power! I grabbed a hold of my lifeline, my preserver, my Derek … my everything ! _

_He seized my arms and heard his tortured cry, but I felt his grip slip down my jacket to my hands, one hand fell free completely! He tightened his hold on me though, clenching his hand around mine, while he lunged forward to grab my jacket with his free hand, it was no use! My body banged into the railing – clang, clang – only to violently swing out and over the water again. I looked down, the fog and water called for me and I felt the grip slacken slightly – my hand was too fucking wet – my arm was coming out of its socket! _

_I felt the inertia of some kind of commotion above me, I heard a scream that was not my own – then a ferocious whipping sound clobbered my senses – and I saw someone fly over me and plunge into the unknown and disappear into the foggy water below! Fear gripped me as I raised my head, I could see several people dangling from the top deck and their screams were intense, horrible, like pigs in a slaughter house! _

_I could hear them above all else – above all of the other raging sounds – I could hear screams, both shrill and faint … I gasped for air as if I was already drowning._

_Oh my God! _

_People were dying! _

_People were falling!_

_People were drowning!_

_Everything seemed to move in slow motion from this point on and all of the voices and screams around us fell on deaf ears – it was just the two of us in this mess – at least that's what it felt like. There was no use in avoiding it, it had come to this … my life was hanging in the balance once again! Only this time Derek was with me – in the thick of it and it wasn't my imagination – it had become my reality … was the dream really over so soon? There truly was no new time … time was coming to a slow, miserable end._

_tick, tick, tick, slip, slip, slip, grip, grip, grip_

_My heart was on fire, yet it was damp and cold from the intrusion of the harsh air, which was now laden with some kind of aftermath debris. Fuel. Metal. Blood. Dust. Moss. Salt. Sea. _

_Oh God it hurt to breath, I dared myself to bring my head up – look up, look up, look up – I screamed in silence, once again daring myself to get it together! _

And then I realized it was Derek who was screaming out to me – _his screams were real, his pain and anguish evident with every syllable_ – I looked at my hand and allowed my eyes to travel upwards to find his, I stalled on our entwined limbs.

"_LOOK UP, LOOK UP! FIND ME MEREDITH!"_ came his desperate voice.

_I finally looked up then and I saw him – he was truly holding on to me by a limb – my limb, my arm, my hand. My lover looked fraught with fear; his eyes were as wild and scared and petrified as mine were. Seeing him like this broke me for a split-second and my heart ached for him … for what if I should not make it? Then what? Would I always have to remember the look of tortured pain on his beautiful face? No, I wasn't ready for that._

_I locked my gaze with his and focused, I did my best. I was hanging by only a thread – our limbs, our chain – but I was still breathing. I heaved a breath of air and tightened my hold on Derek. I squeezed him, I kept my eyes trained on him for fear if I didn't I would never see him again! _

"DON'T LET GO!" I heard his tortured command and with it I only held on tighter.

"Okay," I grimaced, as I tried to shout out to him, but my throat was sore. Perhaps I had been screaming after all.

_Derek's face was beet-red with purplish undertones; he was under incredible strain from his place on the other side of the railing. The veins on the sides of his neck pulsed – in, out, in, out – I tried to match my breathing to that silent beat and I watched as his eyes became red like his face. He was scared, immobilized by fear, anger, frustration … and potential tragedy. _

"_Don't let go," _I echoed silently.

As he scanned my eyes in reassurance, I started to feel the cold damp air creep into my bones. It settled there like rigor mortis after death. My clothing was wet and I was frigid … _yet fever-pricked_. My senses were spinning out of control and I didn't know what to do – _except to hold on tight_ – I was at a loss. I was scared out of my mind!

"_Don't let go," _I pleaded silently.

My mind raced forward, imagining what it would feel like to be submersed in that cold, gray water. I focused then, there had to be a way – _a way out of this mess_ – this tragedy, this accident, this ugly turn of events.

_tick, tick, tick, slip, slip, slip, grip, grip, grip_

_And then I thought … I could swim! Derek could throw a life vest to me – I could make it – I'm a good swimmer! Yes! I craned my neck and tried to see something … a life preserver (other than Derek). He saw my eyes stray and he glared at me. But there was nothing, nothing I could see – no life preserver – this could be it, I looked up to find Derek's angry eyes again._

"DEREK!" I shrilled, for I was losing control now, desperation was taking over … my blood pressure boiled away into nothingness like a pot of forgotten water on high-heat!

_Silently, I lost it, all control and dare I say all hope – for I couldn't breathe – not without him! Not without my lover, my sanctuary … was this it, had the dream really come to an end?_ Because _I couldn't do it – not without him, not without him – I simply could not … exist, here or in the afterlife! My heart cried silent tears as my mind floated over a vision of Derek without me and only then was I truly done. Finished. _

"MEREDITH! NO! NOT WITHOUT ME!" he screamed, begging for my attention, but his voice sounded muted at best within the vacuum of my mind.

_I was losing my grip on his hand! It was nothing more than a phantom grip now, for I had been holding on so tight. I was sure I broke his hands, they were crushed beneath my grip, and mine crushed beneath his. I was frozen in time! Desperately wanting to stay with him, but knowing I wouldn't be able to hold on for that much longer!_

_tick, tick, tick, slip, slip, slip, grip, grip, grip_

_I almost had no choice but to fall and swim, swim as hard as I could! I had to focus on that now! I had to focus on what was going to happen next. I looked up and into his desperate eyes. My heart pounded into my chest, yet it stopped short at the same time as I tried to convey to him what I was thinking._

"NO MEREDITH! HOLD ON TIGHT! I'M COMING FOR YOU!" he boomed through the silence of my eardrums.

_He silently pleaded with me now – his gaze locked on mine – he commanded me to follow his instruction ... to trust him. On that silent plea, I tightened my grip once more, unwilling to let go just yet._

_We were suspended in time for a split-second before Derek took action. I watched in horror as he laid his stomach over the railing and brought his right foot over it and stepped onto the small ledge. He grunted and held me with one hand as he straddled the railing, his face contorting with pain as he gripped my arm._

_tick, tick, tick, slip, slip, slip, grip, grip, grip_

"DEREK!" I screamed; my body flailing as I did.

_I tried to calm myself and my heart – but then it hit me – his plan hit me like a ton of bricks and I lost it. He held me with everything he had now, I looked into his eyes and was calmed somehow, somehow calmed by his proximity even as the fear ripped me in half, I somehow found … peace of mind. _

_Somehow the world just fell away. Our bubble sheathed us – and while it hardly protected us – it was there, just like our bond had been since we met. Our chain was intact …strong, entwined and clear and necessary for our survival, nothing had changed. For I knew our chain would never be broken and I saw that now in Derek's eyes as he held me with all he had. He leaned down and into our grip and he locked his eyes on mine once again. _

"HOLD ON TO ME! HOLD MY HAND, NO MATTER WHAT DON'T LET GO! he shrilled.

"DEREK, NO!" I screamed back, losing control as my heart began to tremble, my poor Derek, my poor lover, just the anguish in his eyes, it was too much to see!

He maintained his gaze on mine while pulling up on our grip. "LOOK AT ME, TO THE END OF THE EARTH, REMEMBER?" he grunted one last time.

"DEREK, NO, IT'S TOO MUCH!" I screamed, my heart aching over what he was prepared to do for me.

_Derek. Heaven. Earth._

"NO!" he called out. _"NOW, __YOU__ LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!"_ he insisted. "WE CAN DO THIS, MEREDITH!" he commanded … _and his words struck me like a lightning bolt._

Again, I felt the world fall away as I looked into his amazingly confident (_yet red with fury_) eyes and I could have sworn we were back in that operating room before the bomb went off – _suddenly it was just the two of us again, "You can do this, Meredith," he had said_ – and suddenly I _could __see_ the glimmer of hope. I knew way down deep that if I trusted Derek with my life again, _we would be okay_, that we would live to hold each other again.

"DO WHAT?" I called out, scared of his plan, scared of what he might say, yet so ready to hear his words.

"WE CAN JUMP … _FALL_ … IT'S THE ONLY WAY!" he yelled fiercely and I was frozen again in time. _"TOGETHER!"_ he screamed down to me.

"DEREK!" I called out, for I had no other words.

_Derek. Heaven. Earth._

I stared into his eyes then, _memorizing them_, just the tiny flecks of dark blue, the sparkling meant just for me, the depth he allowed only me to see, the sense of calm I felt from him – _all of it,_ _I seared his precious gateways into my memory bank one more time_ – knowing that this might be the last time I would see his eyes for a while … _if not forever._

"HOLD MY HAND, HOLD MY HAND! DON'T LET GO!" Derek grimaced, gritting his teeth.

_I gripped his hand one last time. Suddenly he heaved our hands up and swung his other leg over the small railing and that was it!_

_We were gone … free-falling together! _

_Don't let go_

_I held on for dear life!_

_Don't let go_

_We plummeted into thin, brittle air!_

_Don't let go_

_I held on as the inertia forced us down toward our fate, our destiny … the cold, murky water … our wintery deaths? _

_Don't let go_

_The tidal wave of terror rocked us now – hold on, hold on, hold on – I chanted …_

_Don't let go_

_I took a deep breath of the salty sea air into my lungs and held it right before impact … _

_Don't let go_

_We hit the water then, splinters of cold water pierced my skin like icicles …the swoosh of the water plunged into my eardrums and f__or the second time this morning, I was wasted …_

_Drowning in a sea of our flailing arms and legs ...together, we were still together …_

_My senses went wild, refusing to let up, refusing to let go of his grip ..._

_Derek was gone; cast out to sea …_

_I was gone; slipping into the undertow of terror … _

_I tread water though – swim, swim, swim – desperate to hold on to him now …_

_There was no beginning to me and no end to him … _

_We were in this together…_

_My heart stilled as we plunged deeper into the water from our weight, but just as quickly, we bounced up like rag dolls attached to a bungee cord. The whiplash came at us from all angles and we banged and thrashed into each other! The water moved ferociously around us – swoosh, swoosh, swoosh –I grabbed for Derek with my free arm, but missed his body entirely. _

_Then by some force of evil I was dislodged from Derek completely! It was impossible to see in the water! We were literally blinded by it and I was suddenly alone in the belly of the bay!_

_I was free falling, sinking – don't let go, don't let go, don't let go – I chanted over and over and over again to myself as I kicked my feet and tried to tread water the best I could. The water was so fucking cold … it leveled me. I felt like I was kicking and swimming a mile a minute, but I was going nowhere, making no advancement! _

_I felt my heart give out … my arteries slowed down …_

_My heart was cold and I was lost …_

_I couldn't see Derek in the murky water, I couldn't feel him! _

_Where was he?_

_Where was he?_

_Where was my angel?_

_I had lost all sense of direction!_

_I had no sense of myself – I was alone in a silo again – for I was nothing but a piece of debris cast out to sea! _

_I was truly drowning now, or I could be – but I was still fighting it – still going against the grain! I had to see Derek again, I had to find him! I had to hold him once again! If only for one more time … just one more time to feel his loving energy cascade all around me! I had given this second chance thing my best fucking shot and it felt like it was closing in on me, but as I kicked my feet harder and harder, I knew it wasn't over yet, it couldn't be!_

_As my mind wandered, my heart became colder and colder and I sank lower for a split-second before I felt him again … Derek! _

_I felt his strong grip on my hand. _

_I felt his even stronger tug on my heart as he pulled me up and up and up. _

_I began to kick my feet tenaciously, for I would never let go! Not of Derek! And not of the dream of us!_

We were moving now – _the power of two_ – the lines were merged once again and we were together, tiny slivers of hope were restored as we slowly moved up, my body felt warmer as we worked hard to get to the surface! The swing still had momentum; _we_ were truly moving now!

_up, up, up_

_kick, kick, kick_

_fight, fight, fight_

_swim, swim, swim_

_As the inertia from our fall and our separation boiled down, I could finally feel the efforts of my kicking! The water was a little warmer, not as murky and I could finally make out the silhouette of Derek's body and his legs as he kicked side by side with me. _

_Things were becoming fuzzy in my head though, rough around the edges at best. I kept kicking, but I was getting tired and my heart rate became slower – my bones ached through to my marrow now – my nerves were shot, my heart, lungs and every viable internal organ were on fire. I gasped for air as my head emerged above the angry bay. I was sure we were under the surface for only minutes, but it felt like a lifetime had passed and I was exhausted!_

Water had filled every pore of my skin and I was still weighted down by fear … not yet buoyant. I heard Derek gasp for air and I felt him grab for me. My eyes were stinging and I couldn't open them, but I grabbed for him anyway, _I needed him_, needed to feel him. The only sound I heard was our collective gasps for air.

_breathe, breathe, breathe_

_swim, swim, swim_

_cling, cling, cling_

_heave, heave, heave_

I finally opened my eyes and saw Derek once more and that had been my goal, my vigil and only then did I fall against him. I squinted into the bright gray sky – _I saw his beautiful face and deep blue eyes as he became one with the heavens – meshing together with the murky bay and overcast sky. _I clung to him now, no differently than I would have had we just made love … our limbs entwined, our chain intact, our breathing harsh and raspy. _Nothing had changed. _I felt him all around me now. I was lost in that sea of bliss again … a bliss only he could provide for me.

_For_ _Derek was omnipresent, he cradled me, he caught me, he saved me … he loved me._

"_I love you Meredith," _he heaved._ "Everything is gonna be okay,_" he cried into my neck like a baby, but I only held him, for I had no words to describe the ramblings of my heart.

I felt his radiant warmth consume me. I felt dry and safe and warm in his embrace, albeit numb. I was hovering and floating again – _soaring above the wreckage _– it was all but a distant nightmare now.

I felt Derek cling to me and I to him like never before – _for he was still my lover, my savior_ – my everything … my anchor … _and I was still his._

_Derek. Heaven. Earth._

_I relaxed against him, letting him tread the water for us both, and I knew one thing for certain – that I would never let go of Derek – not in mind, body or even spirit. I knew I would never, ever let go and that I would go to the end of the earth – __and back__ – for him. _

_I allowed my mind wander and relax into a dream … one where we were safe and warm and in bed together. To a time when we were just waking up, those cherished morning minutes when everything was fresh and new and calm and serene. _

_I focused … and if I tried hard enough, I could still feel __the searing warmth of Derek's embrace from this very morning. I could still feel my lover and get lost in him – feel it, us, meshed together, making slow love to one another – I willed myself to stay in that treasured moment._

_Yes, I let myself go back in time to this morning when I watched him sleep, witnessing his peace and comfort. For that is what I wanted to remember most. I wanted to remember Derek at peace … of course that, and his deep soulful eyes and how they sparkled for me more than they did for any other. _

_I heaved a sigh of relief and relaxed against my lover once again as we floated in the silent bay surrounded by chaos, carnage and injury. _

_I floated against my buoy one last time … until everything went black._

_What would happen next? _

_Where had this moment taken me?_

_Where would we go from here?_

_Only time would tell ..._

_It was dark – the blackest of blacks – but oddly, I was at peace. I felt Derek's warm bliss encircle me now and I let myself wander into oblivion with his caring presence nearby. Where was I? I had no idea. But the beautiful euphoric feeling within our bubble had returned and there was nothing more I wanted to do than to bask in it. _

_Derek. Heaven. Earth._

**Chapter 20 to follow.**


	47. Chapter 20, Dare You to Move

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: ****So, we've arrived. It's the moment of truth. Recall, this fic is based on a theory of mine, one that I will lay out for you in a separate A/N. It's all in the lyrics, so take a listen where you can. I sincerely hope you enjoy this update, which is appropriately inspired by the song "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot.**

**Chapter 20 – Dare You to Move  
**  
"Dare You to Move" Lyrics:

Welcome to the planet  
Welcome to existence  
Everyone's here  
Everyone's here  
Everybody's watching you now  
Everybody waits for you now  
What happens next  
What happens next

[Chorus]  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
Like today never happened  
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout  
Welcome to resistance  
The tension is here  
Tension is here  
Between who you are and who you could be  
Between how it is and how it should be

[Chorus]

Maybe redemption has stories to tell  
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell  
Where can you run to escape from yourself?  
Where you gonna go?  
Where you gonna go?  
Salvation is here

I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
Like today never happened  
Today never happened  
Today never happened  
Today never happened before

###

**Chapter 20 - Dare You To Move **

_My heart stilled. My mind was – blank – black – blank – but I was still breathing. It was dark. So dark… it was silent. The darkness was a supernatural quiet all around me now. The deep silent blackness all but consumed me. _

_All I had to do was open my eyes to find out where I was, where I ended up and what would happen next. _

_I still felt Derek all around me. I was warm in my lover's embrace, except I could no longer feel him physically. Strangely though, I somehow felt even closer to him. I would imagine this is how people feel when they are surrounded by something more sacred – by some being holier than the human form – something bigger than us._

_So maybe this was it. Maybe this was the end._

_Maybe I was safe and warm on the other side of life now. And maybe our bubble would be all consuming; maybe it would be the only tangible thing I would be left with from my life. _

_Like I said, all I had to do was open my eyes to find out where I was, where I ended up and what would happen next. _

_And I should be scared – I should be – but I wasn't. Because some memory way down deep was calling to me – it was reaching out for me, a glimmer, a sliver, a voice. My heart raced … I heard it again, so I grabbed it and I held it steady – it was Derek – my lover was reaching for me through the tight web of my bubble … silently repeating, "Meredith, you're gonna be fine."_

_Only then did I decide to slowly open my eyes._

_I blinked hard, allowing my tired gateways to adjust to the darkness all around me. I was lying down in a darkened operating room at Grace. My distressed heartbeat was the only sound I could hear – it was so quiet – no machines beeping, no lights humming … there was no life to save, other than my own. _

_I was alone, back in the silo, but I held no fear in my heart, for I knew I had been here before. I had been here in this very place – in my mind – hidden in my memory. I had been here before … maybe in another space or time, but I had been __here__ nonetheless. _

_I darted my eyes around: Up. Straight. Right. Left. _

_I scanned the doorway for signs of life; no welcoming light came in from the hallway. My eye caught something though and I blinked hard to refresh my sight. And as I opened my eyes, my heart stopped beating! Unruly fever pricked my skin and tears welled in my eyes … I locked my gaze on a bloody handprint near the door frame. I had seen __that__ print before! _

_Yes, I had seen that print before – my blood ran cold – I lay still, silent, as silent as I could while willing my heart to slow down – willing my organs to stay inside my skin – as a barrage of questions pinged my overtired brain. _

_What was happening here?_

_Where was Derek?_

_Would that handprint compel the Angel of Death to pass over me … again?_

_Would I leave this room alive?_

_Would I be given another miracle? _

_Where was Derek?_

_What would happen next?_

_I leaned up on my elbows and a cold shiver ran through me … so cold it froze my nerves and heart on impact! I stopped short and the cold shiver permeated through my bubble, my bubble for Christ's sake! For I __had__ been here before! _

_I took a deep breath and took stock of the situation as my mind swirled like a rollercoaster … around and around and around until I was dizzy and sick to my stomach. I gripped the side of the gurney with my fingers to brace myself for impact – to reel in my racing heart – but it was a futile effort, I was lost. I blinked hard, once, twice._

_I glanced down again; I was indeed wearing a full set of scrubs, including a gown. I sat up swiftly. I reached up, I had a scrub cap on my head … I was scrubbed in! I closed my eyes again and allowed my trembling fingers to skim the tough foamy material of the protective jacket I had on – my flak jacket – the one Dylan had put on me long ago in this very room!_

_And then it happened, without warning – our precious bubble evaporated into thin air – leaving me destitute and cold and vulnerable! _

_Where was Derek?_

_My heart banged around in my chest and I had to push the bile collecting in my throat down and away – down and away – deeper and deeper away! Afraid to make a sound, I collected my horror in my throat before I grabbed a hold of the jacket, ripped it from my body and tossed it across the room! My heart clamored and another round of questions began to formulate in my head! _

"_You won't need that this time,"_ a serious voice interrupted my silent barrage … a drawl I would never forget.

_My heart was in shambles now, God save me! Help me! Where was my salvation? Had it come to this? This had to be a nightmare!_

_Where was Derek?_

_I was freezing without my bubble to protect me, without Derek or even a whiff of him ... I was lost! My stomach was in knots, my heart was twisted – clench, clench, clench –I wasn't sure how much more I could take, but I slowly turned around to meet my fate, my guest, my ghost, my destiny … my whatever._

_I focused, and then I saw him in the flesh – Dylan – the man who saved me … the man who also haunted me, and while not in a bad way … he did, he haunted me. He looked exactly how I remembered him, minus the flak jacket. _

_He stepped closer to me._

_I dared myself to move – run, run, run – but I was frozen._

_I swung my legs over the side of the bed instead. _

_We were at eye level with one another now. _

_Neither one of us said a word._

_We were mentally sparring … the tension was here, evident and unavoidable._

I sighed, resigning myself to the fight, _if it came to that_, but he immobilized me. He looked kinder somehow, not laden with stress like I had seen him before. In no way did he look _resolute_, he simply looked … _softer._

"Am I dead?" I croaked out, looking straight into his dark eyes, the quiet was deafening.

"No," he replied without looking away. I saw a flicker of something pass over his face – _what was it_ – satisfaction?

_Yes, satisfaction and redemption!_

"Are you dead?" I asked quietly, he chuckled.

_Hey, I had to ask, even if I already knew the answer. I knew he perished on that fateful day, but he looked so … real, so alive!_

"Yes," he answered without a fleck of bitterness.

It seemed his death was a point of fact more than anything else. Not even dying had changed this guy; he was all about the business ... just softer around the edges. Shutters of fragmented images raced in and out of my mind now – _click, click, click_ – I looked into his eyes as he watched me absorb the moment … and the facts of our mutual history.

_I took the bomb from Carlson's chest._

_Dylan took it from me._

_I left the OR and turned right._

_Dylan left the OR and turned left._

_The bomb detonated, killing him and knocking me to the ground._

_I had lived a glorious second chance so far … but there was a disconnect somewhere in all of this, there was a missing puzzle piece …_

_Where was Derek?_

_Why was I here again? _

_Where was Derek? _

"_Where is Derek? Did he survive?"_ I asked breathlessly. I placed my hand over my heart, it pounded against my palm – _boom-boom, boom-boom_ – and there was no sign of it letting up. I took a staggering breath of the stale clinical air to calm myself. Dylan stared at me for a beat longer, he pressed his lips together.

"Survive?" he asked hesitantly.

"Yes, the ferryboat crash or whatever, we were hit, we flew … we jumped from the ferryboat! We must have been separated after all," I rambled on nervously. Dylan looked at me expectantly. "You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?" I shrieked, my chest heaved, my head spun.

"No. I don't. But Derek, he's fine. Don't you worry about him," he said with authority, like he was the keeper of my fate!

"_What else am I supposed to worry about?"_ I demanded, heat rising to my cheeks. I put my hands on my thighs to steady myself – _I needed to somehow get a grip _– because I was talking to a fucking ghost and I had no idea what happened to Derek! _"WHERE IS HE?"_ I shrilled into the quiet room.

Dylan scrutinized me; he stepped closer and squinted, pressing his lips together in contemplation. "He's waiting for you to wake up," he said simply, devoid of emotion.

_My blood boiled on his words._

"_WAKE UP? STOP BEING SO FUCKING ELUSIVE! WHERE IS HE?"_ I boomed, my chest heaved.

_My heart gave out … Derek was waiting for me to wake up, wake up, wake up! What the fuck did that mean?_

Dylan sighed, unfettered by my outburst. "Look, I can't give you more than that. _And you can't stay here!_" he shouted, shaking his head.

"What is this? The school of tough love for the almost-dead?" I said sarcastically. I hopped from the gurney and took a couple of steps to stand square in front of him. _I wanted answers!_ He held his ground and my heart went wild within my chest, petrified by his proximity."If I'm not dead, why the hell am I here?" I growled, but my whole body shook with fear.

"That's something only you can answer, Meredith," he said calmly, keeping his eyes trained on mine.

_I was shaken to my core, my body hummed and it felt like I might just melt right out of my skin! I was so scared and angry and frustrated! I needed to clear my head and get out of this mess, and fast. I didn't want to be here, my body was tingling, pricking with cold heat … I was breaking down! I needed air … I needed to get out of this room!_

"_HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE?"_ I yelled, turning my back to him, crossing the room towards the door.

Before I made it there Dylan appeared in front of the door, effectively blocking my way. His wary eyes bore into mine again, he looked spent. He stepped closer to me, invading my personal space. "You wake up, wake up and you'll be outta here," he whispered into the space between us.

_My eyes never left his – I had a small revelation – a flicker of a thought before I answered. _

"Wake up from what?" I choked out, the fire within me simmered down, but I was still scared as hell.

"You better come back in here," he ordered gently and for some reason, I did as he said. I could have left the room, or so I assume (_but I hedged,_ _'not yet', I soothed myself_). My legs shook like Jell-O as we crossed the room towards the gurney.

_Something was not right, something was off. I felt it in my heart and my aching bones … every pore, nerve and organ was on high alert, it was like 'damage control'. I was losing it now as my mind tried to put a complicated puzzle together – I was reaching, frantically looking under the sofa for long lost pieces – anything that would help me come back and move on from this moment in time … anything to help me move!_

_I stopped in front of the gurney, a cold gust of air huddled behind me – I was frozen in time – Dylan took hold of my elbow and a shiver ripped up and down my spine so fast it polarized me! His ice cold hand stunned my senses as he gently helped me up. I sat down and he sat next to me. Frigid cold air emitted from his "body" and yet I felt this calming presence slowly infiltrate my mind and heart and for once Derek wasn't the source of my calm … it wasn't Derek, but it was damn close. _

I turned my head and looked at the man sitting next to me. The calming force was Dylan, it was his energy. It was a trust –_an echelon of safety (which I know sounds crazy)_ – but I did have a certain trust in Dylan that was tantamount to my trust in Derek. For he had saved me, given his life for me once before and that meant something ... to me _and _to him. A myriad of questions swirled in my mind now; I had to figure this mess out and get Dylan to tell me where Derek was so I could get out of here to find him … and find myself!

"Look, you don't have much time left here, so I'm just gonna be straight with you, and you're either gonna get it or you're not," Dylan said, keeping his eyes trained on the door in front of us.

"Get what?" I asked, maintaining my gaze on his profile.

"Okay, it's a test … _your_ test. And I can't show you the way out, all I can do is dare you to move! I'm here. _For Good. _So you have to wake up Meredith, otherwise it was all for naught!" he exclaimed evenly.

_I stared at him expectantly, but he held his tongue, had he already said too much?_

"Okay, so this test and it's of my own making … how did I get here? How do I escape … _run away from myself_?" I asked quietly, tears started to cloud my already skewed vision. "How do I get back to Derek?" I whispered; the tears fell.

"Hmm, well, the way I see it, it doesn't matter how you got here. You're either in this thing or you're not, there's no in between! You've got to commit, _really commit_, way down deep … to forevermore, you have to trust yourself!" he said with fervor, he blinked, his eyes more intense than ever before. "You're here for the test only – _to dare yourself to take the final leap_ – to allow yourself true happiness," he reasoned strongly. He turned to look at me, his sad eyes scanned mine and I shivered involuntarily, he was doing his best to give me the pieces I needed.

"So you're not … in between?" I asked cautiously.

"No," he replied.

"But I am? I have a choice?" I asked.

_My heart clamored away, none of this made sense, but I wasn't dead and that was a good thing, right?  
_  
"Yes, you do. You do Meredith! Look, I had a good life. I helped when I could and when that shell went off in my hands I completed my task. _I saved you!_ I was done, my number was up. _But yours isn't!" _he sighed resolutely._ "You have to let him wake you up! Dare yourself to live again!"_ he exclaimed, his words bounced around the empty room. His eyes never wavered.

"You have to give me more than that!" I exclaimed, slipping off the gurney. I turned to face him, my arms akimbo. "What the hell are you talking about, wake me up from _what_?" I demanded as my delicate heart trembled, for it wiggled with such intense fear it could have been pumping in my hand instead of my chest.

"He's getting ready to wake you up Meredith, wake you up from your … _comatose state … _you must have been dreaming … this … ferry boat crash and …," he said softly, _almost a whisper._

I barely heard what he said. But I wasn't shocked… for I already knew what he meant, deep down, _I knew._

Fear shook me …

"_You must have been dreaming."_

My blood ran cold …

"_You must have been dreaming."_

My insides rattled around in my body …

"_You must have been dreaming."_

"I've been … I've been dreaming?" I quivered, asking for confirmation, my legs gave out and I crumbled to the floor. I was lost, my heart bottomed-out.

"Whoa, whoa," Dylan said, crouching down in front of me, his frigid hands on my shoulders. I shivered again.

"Sorry about that," he said, removing his hands. He sat across from me, Indian style.

_I lay down on the floor, the cold sterile linoleum soothed my fire-red cheeks. I folded my body up and waited for the break – crack, crack, crack – went my heart and soul and everything in between. Skin held me together as I crumbled inside for the loss of the greatest love I would ever know._

_I waited for my heart to break now._

_It had been too good to be true after all._

_Our timing had not been perfect. _

_Our worlds had not collided. _

_The swing had no momentum. _

_Derek did not love me._

_But I still loved him. _

_In the most immoral of tricks the universe ever played on an inhabitant … I loved a vision, a figment, a whim, a whiff, a fantasy … a fucking illusion of a man who was not dreaming along with me!_

_My heart broke, for the reflection of that broken woman would stare back at me again. That woman I desperately dreamed away would stare at me if I chose to go back – if I chose to wake up and face my fate – she would taunt me forevermore. If I chose to go back. If. I had a choice. I could ignore Derek's ministrations and slip under for good._

"Meredith, you _cannot_ stay here you have to wake up! He's gonna wake you up and pull you out of this!" Dylan chastised me.

"I don't want to, I'm scared!" I cried into myself, covering my face with my hands, recoiling deeper into my fetal pose.

"Sure, it's easier; it's easier to dream your life away. But you can't because they're all waiting for you … your friends, your family. _Derek,_" he said softly.

_I cried like a baby now – I was disappearing – I was spent, I was tired, broken and scared to death. Scared to give up and scared to find out what would happen if I did._

"Stop! I don't want to face him! I'm scared! He's married, he's still married, I'll go back and he'll still be married and we won't live together and we won't have fallen in love with each other! It's all too much, I can't … I can't live with that! I can't live without him! I can't. Don't you see? I'll die anyway," I confessed. "Knowing I'll love him just the same, just the same, if not more than in my dreams. I'll love him more and he … he … he …," I sobbed, unable to get it out.

"Maybe the timing hasn't been right … _yet!_" Dylan said fiercely. "Listen, you have no choice Meredith! Don't you see, you're their lifeline … the glue, the guts! This isn't just about you – _Cristina, Alex, Izzie, George_ – they are barely breathing. This will break them," he pleaded gently.

"I can't," I cried, unwilling to open my eyes now.

"You are running out of time, _he's calling for you_, he wants you to come back … and you're ready. You're strong, you're whole and healed," he stated his case.

_I dutifully listened, but my mind was made up … I would ignore that call. I didn't have the fight left in me. I couldn't pine over Derek again; I couldn't watch him live his life. Not without me. Not without me. _

"I can't just fall out of love with Derek, I tried that once and it didn't work! _Can't you just let me go back to sleep?_" I whimpered desperately.

"No, I can't let you do that!" he challenged me. "You go back to sleep, you turn your cheek on them and you die! You'll be dead and stuck here in this silo _– in this room for an eternity_ – you'll be full of evil regret! And I can't allow you to do that, not when I died saving you!" he boomed loudly, rocking the quiet room.

"I'm scared," I confessed again.

"You're supposed to be! But listen to me. And this...this is the big one. _So pay attention!_" he ordered. I opened my eyes and looked up to him. "Do you know what kind of miracle it is that Derek is who he is? Do you know how rare it is that someone like even exists? He's still an optimist. He still believes in true love and magic and soul mates. He's waiting for you – _and if you don't come back from this_ – you will change who he is," he whispered intensely.

_I watched him survey me. I watched him as I absorbed his words. Derek is waiting for me. He's still an optimist. He's waiting for me. He still believes in true love and soul mates ... Derek was waiting for me! _

_And then it hit me, Derek's been waiting for me and in some strange way, I knew this already. For I felt Derek's energy encase me, cover and protect me. I listened to his soft voice; sometimes whilst I was falling asleep late at night … he soothed me like no other. Derek really was waiting for me.  
_  
"Oh God! He's waiting for me! I can't...I want...I had intimacy issues – _but I dreamed them away _– I did it! We were happy and in love, so in love ... I loved him like no other! It was only a dream, but I dared myself to do it!" I said, leaning up to face Dylan.

"I bet you did," Dylan sighed, smiling tightly. "So, can't you just leap? He's waiting for you," he added.

"I wish I could just go back to the dream, I'm scared, what's wrong with me? Why have I been comatose? How long have I been that way?" I demanded.

"I only know what you know, _this is your dream_, your test," he said, a hint of mischief played along his eyes.

_I smiled, using him for what he was worth now … a sounding board, the axis of evil, the keeper of my dream-fate._

"So, I wake up and that's it! _The dream is over and I'm petrified to let go of it, don't you see that? _Derek loved me fully – _freely_ – it was like nothing I had felt before in my life, _it was like a_ –"

"_Dream?"_ Dylan smiled.

"Yeah, it was," I smiled reflectively.

"Meredith, there's no more time, stand up," Dylan ordered, he stood holding his frozen hand out for me, I took it and he pulled me up from the floor.

"What's gonna happen next?" I asked, my heart on fire – _crap, crap, crap_ – I was so scared all of a sudden! I was at ground zero, everything was an unknown.

"I don't know, but he's gonna do it, he's taking you off the drugs!" he said firmly walking towards the door now. "How you handle this is the difference of who you are and who you could be in this next life! If you let it happen, _if you take it all on faith_, if you take the second chance it could be a _real_ fairytale ending," he breathed.

"Like a fairytale … like a dream," I smiled – _my heart on fire now_ – just from the possibility of the dream … a new dream, a new life, a new second chance … a sense of renewed hope washed over me.

"Yeah, like … like what's her name?" he stammered.

"Sleeping Beauty?" I answered; following him … my eyes flickered over that familiar bloody handprint. I shivered.

"Yeah, that's the one," he chuckled, turning around. We stood in front of the doorway.

"I need to go back," I said as more of a statement of fact than a question.

"Yes, you do – _so go_ – my work here is done. I did my job, now you have to do yours and get back – _just go Meredith, run, live, lose, win, break even_ – just don't let go of the dream, you don't want to, _way down deep_, you know you're not willing to do that," he answered.

"I won't see you again," I said knowing he was right. I held my hand up against the door, a faint light now filtered in from the hallway.

"No, probably not," he offered. I turned away from the door and stood in front of him.

"Thank you for saving me … _again_," I said and I hugged his cold, hard body as tightly as I could.

_I felt his cool arms encircle me and I knew I could trust this experience to carry me through – even if it was just my own test – Dylan was as real as I could have made him … no more real than I had made Derek in my dreams._

_I pulled away and turned back to the door. I hedged. My back to him …should I take a step forward, I wondered deep inside. _

_And then the light called to me, waking me up … Derek. "You're gonna be fine, Meredith. Come back to me …please," he called to me from another place. And then I smiled. _

"_Hey Meredith,"_ Dylan called softly from the darkness behind me. _"You can do this,"_ he said one last time, only this time, he sounded an awful lot like Derek.

"_You did good,"_ I said to him from my same spot before I took a deep breath to still my quaking heart and pushed on that door, passing through the threshold and into the bright light that awaited me.

**Chapter 21 to follow.**

###

**Author's Note: The Theory for Dare You to Move**

Okay this was a theory I hatched during the ferryboat three-arc a few years ago. At the beginning of "Walk on Water" after Derek pulls Meredith from the tub and they have the "knight in shining whatever" talk, something hit me about his clothing, so that night after some searching around (or jogging my memory), I realized his clothing was the same as it was at the end of "As We Know It" when he comes to Meredith's house after the bomb goes off; the scene of the "It was a Thursday morning …," speech.

So as the arc continued, Derek wore those clothes again in his scenes in "Some Kind of Miracle" (_after he changed from his scrubs_) and for the balance of the episode, including the scene at the end when he climbs into Meredith's hospital bed.

**So for three weeks, I thought the entire show (from episodes 2.17-3.17) was a dream! **

And up until that point, the point when Derek stands in the doorway of Meredith's hospital room in "Some Kind of Miracle", I thought I was right (_not necessarily that I wanted to be_), I just thought the events that happened on the show (_and in the amount of time they happened in_) were a bit outlandish, even for TV.

When you think about the time that had passed between, let's say Molly's (Meredith's sister) arrival in 2.22 at 32 weeks pregnant and then again in 3.09 and she is only 36 weeks pregnant … it is plausible … considering the slow speed of the show's time line.

So, for this story I tacked on a week or so at each side of this known time period (the four weeks of Molly's pregnancy) to get to my time line, about 6-7 weeks which is okay (actually a bit on the long side) for someone in a drug-induced coma … but this is fiction, so go with me.

I tried to leave elusive clues, if you feel so inclined you can try to find them. One of the main ways I did this was to construct conversations for Meredith to _overhear_. She conceptualizes what she hears and it adds to both her story and the reader's story.

Some examples: George's convo with her father, the Chief's convo with Derek about Burke/Ellis, Cristina's screaming matches with Derek, the Chief's convo with Thatcher and Susan before her surgery, the list goes on.

_I also used Meredith as a confessional for the other characters. _

I italicized her opponent's lines, their whisperings while she elicits her own reply, adding to her story and blending a more cohesive story for the reader. Alex voicing his concerns over Melanie in "A Thousand Years" is an example and Cristina and her bank robbery/confession of love is another.

And let's not forget Derek!

If you go back, you'll see she listens to his confessions as she is going to sleep, he often tells her his innermost secrets (_in one he even tells her it is almost time to "wake up"_). Or if he left her a "voicemail" it was a way for me to incorporate his side of things. From these confessions or whisperings you can kind of get an idea of what he's been up to – _and that is a pure giveaway _– because she DID NOT dream those confessions! Those are his words!

So, have fun with your treasure hunt, if you choose to explore. Take a look at the footage if you so desire (**just add a 'dot' where you see a ****):

In 2.17, "It's a Thursday morning …," scene, check it at around 7:03:

http:/www******youtube******com/watch?v=5FsQ_uRCRWo

And then again in "Walk on Water" at around 1:10 (the three-arc happens over one day so his wardrobe does not change):

http:/www******youtube******com/watch?v=1I8DOUgIMZA

Now, I won't spoil the balance of this fic, but it remains a love story … just from ground zero!

After the three-arc I always wondered what could have been, then I just tweaked my original theory to make it into a story about second chances, which is what Meredith and Derek got (a couple times over already), but I wanted them to have something more, something stronger … the stuff of dreams.

So, let me just say … don't give up on me here!

Because in the second story within this story Meredith chases her dream and makes it her reality (for real). And A LOT of wonderful things happened while she was sleeping, which will be revealed as time continues!

So, what do you all think? I truly hope you'll stay along for the ride.


	48. Chapter 21, Alive & Kicking, Part 1 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: ****I really hope you enjoy the story within the story. I really do. I am excited to read your reaction, so please let me know what you think. **

**This song by Simple Minds, "Alive and Kicking" is so perfect for this juncture in the story on so many levels, it's really hard to describe. I highly suggest you take a listen, if nothing else it will take you right back to the 80's. Enjoy. **

**Try this link should you be so inclined: **http:/www******youtube******com/watch?v=EK08XU4VaLQ (try replacing the ****** with a 'dot')

**Chapter 21 – Alive and Kicking**

Lyrics for "Alive and Kicking" from Simple Minds:

You turn me on, you lift me up  
And like the sweetest cup I'd share with you  
You lift me up, don't you ever stop, I'm here with you  
Now it's all or nothing  
'cause you say you'll follow through  
You follow me, and I, I, I follow you

What you gonna do when things go wrong?  
What you gonna do when it all cracks up?  
What you gonna do when the love burns down?  
What you gonna do when the flames go up?  
Who is gonna come and turn the tide?  
What's it gonna take to make a dream survive?  
Who's got the touch to calm the storm inside?  
Who's gonna save you?  
Alive and kicking  
Stay until your love is, alive and kicking  
Stay until your love is, until your love is, alive

Oh you lift me up to the crucial top, so I can see  
Oh you lead me on, till the feelings come  
And the lights that shine on  
But if that don't mean nothing  
Like if someday it should fall through  
You'll take me home where the magic's from  
And I'll be with you

What you gonna do when things go wrong?  
What you gonna do when it all cracks up?  
What you gonna do when the love burns down?  
What you gonna do when the flames go up?  
Who is gonna come and turn the tide?  
What's it gonna take to make a dream survive?  
Who's got the touch to calm the storm inside?  
Don't say goodbye  
Don't say goodbye  
In the final seconds who's gonna save you?

Oh, alive and kicking  
Stay until your love is, love is, alive and kicking  
Oh, alive and kicking  
Stay until your love is, love is, alive and kicking

###

**Chapter 21 – Alive and Kicking – Part 1 of 3**

From the moment I left the eerie sanctuary of the darkened OR – _the hidden depths of my subconscious_ – I was struck by the movement and sounds within my body ... my heart was thumping, my nerves bending, my veins and capillaries working, my lungs filling with air and my eyes, deep down to the sockets … were awakening. And truth be told, it wasn't at all pleasant. If I had some kind of _birth memory_, I would imagine this is what it would have been like. I smiled inwardly now, for despite the pain radiating throughout my every nerve, I was clearly teetering on the edge of something big, a precipice – _the beginning of the beginning_ – the beginning of my _rebirth._

"_What's it gonna take to make this dream survive?"_

That floating, hovering feeling I had experienced sporadically since the bomb went off was back in full force now. Conversely_,_ I felt a welcome_ – pull, a slight tug_ – as an anchor slowly brought me down … to where, _I had no idea_, but it had successfully grounded me. And I let myself go with it, for I was coming back from captivity – _I was a free agent_ – from myself … from this comatose state ... just _free_ and I had to see it through.

_I was scared as hell, extremely uncomfortable and vulnerable, which was the worst part. Had I healed normally? Would my brain function so I could output, speak, communicate? Did I undergo brain surgery of some sort? Now that I was becoming myself again and not just some house for my organs, I realized how exposed I was. I thought about all the menial tasks that are done for people with injuries like mine – physical therapy, basic hygiene – who brushed my teeth, who bathed me, who cared for me … and if I can be vain for one second here, how short did they cut my hair? I felt small and vulnerable, but I still I owed it to myself to come back._

_I was chasing the dream again; like no time had passed since my original journey of self-discovery and second chances began and in some ways, no time had passed … I had another blank slate._

Plus, I had a gut feeling it was time, I knew I was strong enough. I must have given the doctors the markers they needed to pull me out … to lift me up. I had to get back to my life – _my friends, Derek_ – I had to deal with the fallout. _I had to deal with my injuries and my recovery … and cope with my feelings for Derek._ I hoped that coming out of this coma wouldn't hinder my feelings for him. I wanted to see him in the flesh (_really see him_) and try to find that sparkle in his eyes that belonged solely to me.

_It would be another test, one I couldn't wait for … and truth be told, even if my dream-memories were gone, I liked to think I would always hold a special place for Derek deep in my heart._

A flutter of Addison zoomed in and out of my mind – _I thought to grab her to force myself to remember what I was about to get into,_ _but instead I chose to let her fall away_ – because who was I kidding, if I did remember my dream-memories, I was gonna fight like hell to have Derek in my life again if he still wanted me.

"_What's it gonna take to make this dream survive?"_

I heard intermittent shuffling – _swish, swish_ – from two different sources and I was chilled deep into my bone marrow. _I was freezing from the inside out and every place in between._ Yet, I couldn't feel myself shiver; I could barely feel my physical self at all. But that wasn't the most bothersome part of my current "state". For as I became more and more awake, that solace of inner peace and the serenity of darkness became brighter and brighter and brighter until it almost hurt!

_Suddenly, the bright light blinded me – every neuron in my brain was reacting to the light – my eyes, my skin, my muscles, it felt like everything was shrieking inward, running to look for a place to retreat and hide within my body! I was suddenly scared, and it has nothing to do with Derek or Addison or anything like that, this was pure survival stuff – it had come down to the flight or fight instinct – it was imminent now. _

_So in order to fight, I tried to move myself away from the light, my mother always told me not to look directly at the sun, and now I knew why! I was quite literally blinded! I tried to fight it, keep it away, go back to the darkness, and not because I wanted to, but because I wanted to escape the light! _

_But before I had a chance, my senses were overloaded and I shattered into a million pieces! I was frazzled, frayed around the edges as I tried to pick those pieces up to somehow repair myself … but it was too late, the light immobilized me. I had to focus; I had to keep my mind wrapped around something positive, 'some kind of miracle', some kind of blessing to pull through this. And I had all but one, well more than one, I had … my friends and hopefully Derek, hopefully Derek would want me._

"_What's it gonna take to make this dream survive?"_

_Dylan said he did, but Dylan was my creation and his words were sculpted by my heart and mind … his words and actions were fueled by __my__ hopes and dreams! Oh God, please let me keep the memories of my dreams intact! I truly hoped my deepest thoughts and feelings were not lost … because I did love Derek. I loved him before any of this happened and I always thought he loved me and just chose … wrong. _

_Again, in my darkest hour, with my hand on that bomb – he was there, omnipresent, seeing me through – and he was here this time too, presently, I felt him all around me, I really did._

_I tried to look up to find him but I was blinded, so instead I looked down and without warning I was free-falling into a vacant hole of nothingness! There was no way out! It was bright white all around me now – the ground had opened up into this __yawning chasm that was unavoidable, there was no end or beginning to it … it was just blank space! _

_I focused on the light again and I fought the desire to run and hide from it! I owned the light, it was mine … I dove down and forced myself into it. I so desperately wanted Derek's hand to hold on to this time too! But I knew I had to do this alone, so I let the light consume me, I let it fill me up! I wrapped my mind around it, I held on tight to the nothingness, the floating and hovering feeling dissipated and only then did everything snap into place!_

"_What's it gonna take to make this dream survive?"_

_In an instant, I was back, or I felt like I was … I felt my body! I felt myself breath in and out, I felt my heartbeat again, for real, not just in my mind, but within my chest, I could feel it working! And as I slowly regained awareness, I felt a hardened dull ache beginning at the base of my skull. I could only assume this was the point of impact and injury; I felt the sting of that pain radiate all the way down to my toes. I tried to move, but I couldn't. My body was – tired, locked, flawed, patched up – still broken. I so desperately wanted to go back to sleep, to heal, I needed more time, but instead I heard voices and they pulled me further into that horrifying light!_

The voices … they rattled around in my head … _just muffled shutters now._ I could recognize all of them – _well all but one_ – and they were not in conversation. These were simple little flutters, _whiffs_ of them … _my people_. They made no sense, they were not cohesive, but it was wonderful to hear them nonetheless!

_Out of nowhere I heard Derek's voice! I grabbed it, held it in my mind; I tagged it to my heart muscle, for it was mine once again! It was all coming back – his words were familiar – the last real moments I saw him before I slipped under. Yes, he was glad I didn't die! I remember now! I watched through the veil of the coma as he told me about our last happy kiss … something I remembered and took with me on this journey, perhaps he wanted me to have that with me while I was "gone". _

_I could see him now in my mind's eye as if it was just minutes ago! I could see him in the doorway of my hospital room … he paused to tell me about that kiss – I waited for it now – even though I had memorized what he said to me, for I had held it in my heart for an eternity already! Derek cared. He was there for me and I never forgot that and if I focused enough, I could still see the wondrous sparkle in his eyes. He saw me through and he wanted me, deep down, I knew he did and somehow I knew he never stopped. _

_As the world faded to black all around me, I remember trying to sear his eyes into my memory. I remember telling myself to hold on tight, hold on to the sparkle …hold on, so I could have that and remember how his eyes told me so much more than his words, how his gateways allowed me to know that he loved me in that moment and perhaps forevermore, should I never return from this ordeal._

_And so now all I knew was … I had to get back! I felt an urgent need to get back to Derek and tell him everything about my dreams and how I survived and how he was my light, my beacon, my buoy, my sparkle of hope … my everything! _

"_Who's got the touch to calm the storm inside?"_

I used everything I had … I strained to hear them all now, for I couldn't get close enough! Thankfully, the shutter speed slowed considerably, it was sluggish at best, similar to a camera low on batteries – _stick, stick, stick_ – and I could finally make out what they were saying. An invisible screen began to lift – _like a canopy protecting me from the sun, a fuzzy, mosquito net … a bride's veil_ – and I heard the clear voices of my friends, my family. I heard them from the bowels of my belly and beyond! They still weren't making sense, nothing was organized ... my brain could not map it. But I tried grabbing a hold of them to covet them … to analyze them … to keep them with me for fear I would never hear them again!

"_She's alive, she's alive!"_

"_Try again!"_

"_How's her temp?"_

"_You almost died today."_

"_You cannot give up, you understand me?"_

"_I think I saw some reactivity in the pupils before the atropine." _

"_I'm glad you didn't die today."_

"_You're Meredith's friend?"_

"_She's my …,"_

"_We could be your family."_

"_It was a Thursday morning."_

"_What can I do?"_

"_You smelled like some kind of flower."_

"_Try again!"_

"_That was the last time we kissed."_

The rotation of their voices began to quicken again and my mind couldn't keep up! The speed was incredible – _barely discernable now, who was who, who was saying what_ – it was all moving so fast … it was a blur, everyone meshed together into one voice, calling for me to come back home! It was the sound of speed combined with the deafening sound of silence! Again it was too much for my senses, it was too much – _the change was just too drastic_ – from black and peace to white and hot and unbearable! But I pushed through anyway … I tread the water … I couldn't lose hope because I desperately wanted to chase the dream for real!

_I felt and heard the inertia humming throughout my body …_

_I was waking up, quickly, quickly … shutter, shutter …_

_Everything was colliding now – my dreams with my reality, my innermost world with my outer shell – everything was becoming cohesive! _

_I felt and heard a hard cracking report that rocked my entire body, soul and beyond! _

_Oh God, it leveled me!_

_And then __all was silent. _

_Completely silent. _

My heart thumped wildly inside my chest, my brain was fried, tired, wasted! I was floating in those bright white clouds again and everything was so clear. And therein I heard something in the distance and I stilled my heart to focus on it – _slow, slow, slow_ – it was the faint alternating beep of a heart monitor, both unmistakable and oh so familiar in its predictable stance.

_For it was my heart monitor._

_So, what's it gonna take to make this dream survive? And just who's got the touch to calm the storm inside?_

_Well, I think I'm on the verge of figuring that out._

**Chapter 21 – Alive and Kicking – Part 2 of 3 to follow.**


	49. Chapter 21, Alive & Kicking, Part 2 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thank you for reading, please tell me what you think here, it would mean a lot to me. **

**Also, if you are reading "True Colors", please know this story is going through some re-writes, so just have some patience with me, it's coming together and I'll start posting again soon. Thanks.**

**Chapter 21 – Alive and Kicking – Part 2 of 3**

"_Now it's all or nothing."_

_I listened to the beep of my heart for a minute longer, lulled by my own rhythm, happier than hell that I actually had a rhythm at all! It was monotone, level, soothing – everything it was supposed to be, it displayed predictability, stability – except that with incredible irony, nothing I was in for was predicable or stable. I was dizzy, my head was swimming, but I tread water still, unwilling to give up until I opened my eyes and was truly home._

_beep … beep … beep_

_I assume I h__ad I made it to the other side of the door … that the 'lamb's blood' spared me once more._

_I heard an alternating pounding noise – getting closer now – crushing footsteps! _

_A familiar whooshing sound came and went … _

_Then a gust of circulated air …_

_Then a familiar creaking sound … _

_My swing?_

_Papers shuffled. A familiar sigh. _

_beep … beep … beep_

"_She's made some progress,"_ came a familiar voice, _Bailey!_ _Order was somehow restored._

Then the quick strokes of a keyboard; then the rapid fax-print – _push, push, puusshh_ – then another sigh.

"_Here's her EKG, looks good, just a little distress … see, she's gonna be fine_," she said, quite literally the _voice_ of reason.

_I felt my body shift and in an instant Derek's warm energy was all around me, he covered me, soothed me, without a single touch, I knew it was him … it was our bubble and it still calmed me like nothing else. I sighed with relief inside; thank God our bubble had survived. One simple aura of us and I knew I had officially crossed over into the here and now._

"_Meredith, you're okay, you're okay, you're gonna be fine,"_ came my angel's voice, and I swear I almost melted out of my skin! I wanted to cry tears of happiness, but I couldn't because I was already lost at sea – _just the velvety smooth timbre of his voice_ – it wasn't the words, it was this tone he somehow saved just for me.

_Derek, Derek, Derek! He was within reach! He cared! Was he my doctor? What had he been doing when I was dreaming of him? My blood ran cold as a small fractional flutter of Addison filled my mind. I let myself envision Derek with her still and honestly, my heart broke all over again. I was instantly derailed now, thinking about him going back to the trailer every night with her – and not because I wanted him for myself – but because he had been miserable in his life!_

_It was the truth, for he had been drowning all over again when that bomb went off, just like I had been. And it sucked for both of us, together and apart from one another. I remember now how much I missed him and my heart broke just thinking about it all now again, because truth be told, we were at ground-zero here and nothing had happened to lift us up and out. Or maybe it had … come to think of it, maybe it had._

_So now, for me it was no different than waiting for him at Joe's on the night of the train wreck, the night of Bonnie and Tom. No different, except for this: now I knew I had to show him that there was more for us than just this beautiful dream. I would have to fight for him, really fight and prove to him that I am the better choice … the better fit ... because what we are capable of together is nothing short of miraculous and I wanted it all … with him. Only him. _

"_Now it's all or nothing."_

"_I'll need new labs," _he ordered gently. Soft footsteps moved around the room now.

_I was still afraid to open my eyes, it was still too bright! Plus, my lashes seemed to be stuck, closed shut. I couldn't open them if I tried! My pupils went nuts – flutter, flutter, bang, bang – my eyes were like butterflies colliding into a window! I wanted to force them open, but it was a wasted effort … I was defeated, I couldn't do it! Suddenly, my heart monitor went nuts, the sound was too much, it was torture … taunting me with its incessant noise! I wanted to run and scream and hide but I could find no relief, no protection … the light and sound were scorching my every nerve! I couldn't even open my eyes and cover my face in defense! My body did not move, despite my desperate commands, I lay still. Damn it!_

_beep … beep … beeeeep, beeeeep, beeeeep_

"_Whoa, whoa, slow down, slow, deep breaths,"_ came Derek's voice. He covered my arm with his warm hand; calming me on contact ... my whole body reacted from this one simple gesture. My nerve-endings blurred – _melting, fusing, snapping_ – until the tension was gone. _One. Simple. Touch. _

"_Lets turn this down,"_ he soothed, his voice soft and careful, the monitor nothing but a faint background noise now.

_beeeeep, beeeeep, beeeep … beep … beep … beep_

"_And lets turn this off,"_ he said. _I heard a click and everything was black, muted, gentle, calm, peaceful … better. _I sighed inside; he must have turned the lights off.

"_Page her pack for me. Leave the blood work, I'll take it myself and wait for it," _Derek said softly.

"_She's gonna be fine, Derek. Page me when she comes around," _came Bailey's voice.

"_Thank you Miranda," _he replied, sighing heavily.

"_Hey, she will be fine," _she reassured.

"_She's strong … she's the strongest person I know, she's ready," _he replied.

All was silent for a moment, then the door swung open – _a familiar whooshing sound_ – the door creaked shut.

_My heart stilled … that was my swing! The swing of the door, the air, the creaking! Momentum was calling for me again! I let myself get lost in what that meant, pondering the implication behind the swing – knowing that the real swing on my porch remained stuck in time – just like I had been. I would have to fix it for real now, if only to prove a point._

I heard Derek shuffle to the opposite side of the room; he was further away from me now. The water came to life. My heart pounded away in my chest at the thought of being alone with him. I so desperately wanted to open my eyes and shout – _"Derek I'm here, I'm back!" –_ but I couldn't, my eyes still hurt too much. He crossed the room again, coming closer now. I heard a couple of clicks – _he released the bedrail_ – the bed shifted, he sat next to me and wrapped his hand around mine.

_And even though it felt like no time had passed since I felt the sensations of his warm touch ground me … I mean wasn't it just minutes ago we were on the ferryboat dancing and holding each other? Even though time had not really passed at all – I knew this touch was different – for this simple touch was __real__, it solidified that this was indeed happening … this particular touch flirted with my reality and brought me home. _

I felt Derek's energy blend with mine now – _he hovered_ – his shadow danced across my face and then felt it: _a warm, damp towel cover my eyes._ Everything went black, but I hadn't a care in the world. I was warm, my eyes were soothed by his simple gesture, my hand in his – _nothing could have made this moment in time more precious_ – but then I felt our bubble return again and I heard his voice – t_he voice of the man I loved from my dreams_ – and all things combined, I knew we would be okay.

"_Meredith, oh God I feel selfish. And right now, I know I am – but we're alone – and, ah there won't be too many more opportunities like this. I'm a selfish coward of a man, I know that. But I can't help myself because you'll be awake soon … the here and now is upon us Meredith and I'm petrified. I hope you can hear me, can you hear me yet? I am plagued with fear right now … because what if you wake up and my dream is over? The pretense I have been living with since you went under, the dream in which you wake up and you still want me around. The dream in which I get a second chance to make things right … what if you wake up and those dreams are over? I'm not ready for that, selfishly, I'm not. Call me ass; call me a loser for trying to get the last word in one last time before you wake. Go ahead, call me anything you want, but it won't change how I feel about you. For if you wake and you have nothing left in your heart for me – please know this – remember I'll love you ... forevermore. Yes, I'm scared, but I want you to wake up so I can prove to you how much I do want a second chance – for a__ living__ dream – not just one in which you lay here in a peaceful serene state and never return a sentiment. I wish for a real dream in the here and now where you scream at me and tell me I'm an idiot when I am or how much you love me anyway … because I love you, I love you so damn much and I hope to God you can hear me … it's almost time for you to wake up. I hope I've done right by you Meredith. I hope you can hear me calling to you now – my angel, my everything – we are so close … yet so far. Come back to me. Find me Meredith, find me … please,"_ he pleaded, his voice warbled, broken, spent.

My heart rocked inside my chest and a fever pricked my skin over the intensity of his words, but my body's reaction made no red flag. My heart pumped on and on, just like it should. Derek sniffled and I knew he meant every word of this _last confession_.

_As he held my hand in his and soothed the last of his heavy emotions away, I relaxed into the moment with him. Derek loved me and I loved him and it was quite literally the stuff of dreams. We had been dreaming alongside one another after all … nothing but dreamers housed in silos. A flurry of questions crowded my mind, but I had no time for them because all I could think about was making our collective dreams come true in the here and now._

"_Now it's all or nothing."_

_I also knew, deep in my soul that Derek Shepherd was marred with guilt over what happened to me and the choice I made that day in Burke's OR. I knew this, he didn't have to say a word and I knew this, I didn't have to dream that up to know it either, for it was the truth._

_His guilt-complex only made me want to come back from this even more though… because there was nothing I wouldn't do for him and now I knew there was no limit to what he might do for me. He stirred next to me; heat radiated from his thigh as it touched mine, his presence felt better than any warming blanket could._

_He sighed heavily and the energy changed, he held his breath, stifling a big release and then I heard him sob into the quiet space all around us. _

_My heart split, cracked down the middle as he broke down. He squeezed my hand and I tried like hell to squeeze his in return! If only he knew how I felt, if only I could do something – hug him, hold him, protect him, kiss it better – I would! I tried to collect myself now before my body, mind and spirit went into sensory overload again. I tried to still my heart and mind and not shatter into oblivion, but it was no use. I was losing it!_

"_DEREK!" I screamed. _

"_DEREK, stop crying!" I pleaded._

"_Oh God, I'm here, I'm coming, please stop crying! I demanded. _

"_Your pain is too much to bear!" I screamed._

"_Please find me Derek! Find me! I shouted. _

_But my outrage fell on deaf ears! Derek tried to collect himself, I heard him take a deep breath in and release it over me. I felt like I couldn't breathe! My silent panic attack meant nothing to the heart monitor, there was no alert, there was no relief, it was just me – and Derek – and we were stuck in this weird limbo together … miles apart from one another, yet so fucking close we were physically touching! _

_I had to get back to him somehow and now more than ever I needed to, for if I should return and not remember him or my love for him … it would change who he is. He would be nothing but a haunted, guilt-ridden, shell of the man he once was and that was something I just could not tolerate!_

_My cries had no place to go; suddenly I was floating in a sea of my tears, the water lapped at my neck! But I tread tenaciously, I kicked my feet, I would not succumb to the tide, I would not succumb to the storm raging inside my body. All I had to do was focus and keep the dream-memories alive! Keep the second chance of living that dream alive ... forevermore! _

Derek shifted on the bed. He released my hand and slowly removed the towel from my eyes. Everything was bright for a second until my eyes adjusted, even from behind my lids. It was getting easier now, not so bright, not so abrupt or hurtful.

_Without warning the door swung open and momentum – life – intruded upon our enclave. Then footsteps, the door creaked shut._

"_Hey,"_ Derek said, he inhaled a deep breath of air and covered his hand over mine again.

"_Is … is she alright?"_ came Cristina's voice, soft … strangely insecure.

_The door swung open again – more life, sound and movement – shuffling feet, a gust of air – the door creaked shut. _

"_Are we close?"_ came Alex's anxious voice, his movement carried him across the room.

"_Derek, are you okay?"_ came Izzie's sing-song voice … she was on high alert.

"_Yeah, anytime now, she's coming back,"_ he chuckled, sniffling slightly.

"_Wow, so we just wait, you've taken her off the __pentobarbital completely?"_ Cristina asked.

"_Hmm, yes, she's ready, she's healed … she's, she's perfect,"_ Derek rambled softly; he pressed his hand over mine. _"I'll need to get this blood work to the lab; can one of you stay with her just in case? And remember what I said, she's gonna be –"_

"_Scared. We got it, tell her as little as possible, she'll be fuzzy, even if she hears us now, she'll be confused when she wakes up,"_ Izzie spoke up, her voice, even and calm.

"_What if she completely freaks out?"_ Cristina asked, alarmed.

"_It's likely she will, remember, her throat is gonna be sore from intubation so she might not be able to speak. She won't be as scared considering we've removed the tube, but she'll be disoriented ... and she may not recognize us. The most you can do is just get close to her face, hold her, tell her everything is all right, tell her it's okay to be scared. Until then, it's business as usual,"_ Derek coached softly.

"_What do you need from us?" _Alex asked; he was closer now. I felt a large warm hand cover my forehead. _"Hey sister,"_ Alex breathed into my ear.

"_I need to make a quick phone call, but if you can stay, I'll wait for her labs myself. She'll need one more CT this afternoon; I'll schedule that and take her myself. She'll come around, but it won't be for a while,"_ Derek said, he moved his hand back and forth over mine.

"_Go ahead, take a break. I can stay for a bit,"_ Alex offered.

"_Me too, I can do her PT,"_ Izzie replied, true to form, she was always quick to do something.

_Derek hovered over me again; I felt his breath breeze along my neck, something that would have elicited giggles from the back of my throat in my dream; only today I had nothing for him._

"_I'll be back, you're gonna be fine,"_ he breathed. I felt my body shimmy in the bed slightly when he rose. He lifted the bedrail up and stepped away. I felt bereft without him, without our bubble.

_I heard his retreating footsteps and I felt cold and lonely inside. The door swung open – I could hear the life from the hospital now plain as day – the door creaked shut and everything was silent for a beat. I think I missed Derek more in this moment than in all the time I knew him._

I felt someone else's hand on my forearm, soothing me – _up down, up down_ – finally it rested on my shoulder. _It wasn't Alex. Cristina? Izzie?_

"_Hey Meredith, you look good today, it's a good day to wake up,"_ Izzie whispered, my heart simmered down deep inside. _"She does, doesn't she guys? She looks good, right?"_ came her soft voice again, seeking confirmation.

"_She does, Izz, she looks good." _Alex agreed firmly, he must have moved behind Izzie.

"_Yeah, she looks … she looks ready,"_ Cristina's voice offered, and it was just that … _her voice_. I could barely hear her and I wanted to, I wanted my _strong forceful friend_ to agree that I was ready!

"_When are you gonna tell her about Burke?"_ Izzie inquired. Someone picked my other hand up and held it in theirs, the energy was warm, inviting … _familiar_.

"_Oh, yeah, whenever she's ready for that, it's a lot, I want to make sure she comes back before I even think about it,"_ Cristina's voice came from the opposite side of the bed, _it was her hand holding mine_, I tried to squeeze her hand; nothing still.

I felt Izzie squeeze my hand and then I heard a stifled sob. _"Oh God, can you guys believe it … I can't believe it, any hour, she could be back,"_ Izzie cried, releasing my hand.

"_Aww, Izz, come here, she's gonna be fine. She has to be, you've been praying enough for all of us,"_ Alex comforted, Izzie's sobs became muffled.

_Oh, don't cry Izz! Don't cry, I'm here, I'm here! I'm just … stuck! I screamed silently._

My heart clamored away in my chest – _thump, thump, thump_ – any time now, any minute. I strained to open my eyes, but they were sealed shut still. It was wasted energy, I guess it would happen when it was meant to happen … I sure as hell hoped this wasn't another elaborate dream, I just wanted to wake up and assess the damage already.

"_Now it's all or nothing."_

My _door-swing_ swung open abruptly then and before I could listen for the creak, I heard another familiar swagger and voice.

"_Izzie? Izzie, hey, what's up?"_ George's unmistakable voice filled the room.

"_Oh, George,"_ she sniffled.

"_I saw Shepherd at the end of the hallway, he's not even in scrubs today, are we that close? How is she? How long do we have?"_ George rambled, a hint of desperation in his voice.

"_Calm down O'Malley, his leave started today … he just said it could be anytime now,"_ Cristina offered quietly, still more stoic than I was used to; she didn't even call George, _'Bambi'_.

I heard movement, my bed shimmied. A warm hand covered my forehead, then hot breath billowed against my neck, my body rolled slightly.

"_Hi Meredith,"_ came George's whisper, so quiet, so simple … I barely heard him.

_Oh George, sweet George, I'm here._

"_So, how do you think she'll react to his plan?"_ George asked, having turned away from me slightly.

_What plan? I wondered._

"_None of us can do what he can for her, I don't know how to explain it, but for some reason, I think she'll be fine with it. She'll have to be because, well, you've seen him with her, she knows him and he's … he's hopeless,"_ Cristina offered without a hint of animosity … _something was definitely up with her!_

"_They'll be fine, she's reacted well to him in the last month, and unless we hire a nurse, he's our best shot. I was thinking; he almost needs this. You know as well as I do, he's not gonna let someone else do this," _Izzie counseled.

_And as my litter continued to talk over me in hushed tones all I could process was – one month, one month, one month – I had been down and out for one month and it felt like no time had passed, except that everyone else was moving and breathing and living without me! _

_All I wanted to do was scream! _

_I wanted to yell! _

_And I really wanted to run and hide!_

_What if I couldn't take it? What if I couldn't be a surgeon anymore? What if __I__ wasn't me? Would I still want to be me then? Would Derek still want me? And what was his plan? Derek had plans that involved me … or my care … or me, Derek cared and I had to get back! _

_My heart and soul began to break off into tiny pieces now. I felt my world crumbling and not at all in bad way because it was __this__ world. This small, protected world I had imagined for myself began to dismantle … blending and suffusing itself to the real world moving all around me. I needed answers to my questions if I was gonna make it out of here! And I wasn't gonna get them as long as I stayed "here", as safe and secure as it was … I suddenly needed so much more!_

_I needed to move, I needed momentum … I needed my swing! _

_I let myself calm down, I slowly collected the pieces of my heart and I waited. That floating, hovering, flutter of a feeling was back now, but it was no cause for alarm. I relaxed instead; for suddenly I could __feel__ the pillow against my head and I could __smell__ the recycled clinical air of the hospital move all around me and I it almost felt like home._

_I felt tired, after a month of resting, I still felt tired._

_But I didn't necessarily feel broken, I felt my achy bones, but that was a good thing. I strained to open my eyes again, but they felt heavy like lead, like the doors to an armored car that could only be opened with the right combination. So, I decided not to fight it and I lost myself in the conversation of my pack as it moved on to their day and their lives. I listened with great interest and hoped that soon I would be able to return a sentiment. _

_Maybe I would awake later – today, tonight, tomorrow – but one thing was for certain, I was back. I was almost home and I couldn't wait! All in due time, only time will tell when I would open my eyes and see the world for myself again.__My friends were waiting for me ... Derek was waiting for me. The world was almost mine again. _

_I was whole._

_I was healed. _

_I was ready._

_In the final seconds who's gonna save you? _

_I think we have to save ourselves and that's exactly what I planned to do! _

**Chapter 21 – Alive and Kicking – Part 3 of 3 to follow.**


	50. Chapter 21, Alive & Kicking, Part 3 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: I have to say, this part of this chapter remains one of my favorite pieces of this entire story, it was one of my targets, this place I longed to get Meredith to when I first set out to write this all down. Enjoy. **

**Chapter 21 – Alive and Kicking – Part 3 of 3 **

I couldn't say how long it had been since my CT scan; all I knew was that it was normal. I was whole. I was healed. Derek said it was all up to me now.

"_You lift me up, don't you ever stop … I'm here with you!" _

Some time ago I heard the Chief stride in via my _door-swing _and from that moment on I felt him all around me. He kept checking my vitals; his energy overpowered the room and I found myself shrinking inward, maybe it was too much or too real for me. We were in a holding pattern – _I was waiting to come into this world again_ – while he was anxiously awaiting my _rebirth_ like an expecting father.

From his visit, I learned what happened to me as he discussed my case in detail with Derek … _likely as a means to calm each other more than anything else._ I listened with a still heart and an open mind. I tried my best to absorb all that had happened – _slowly, slowly_ – I let it sink in, thankfully it did not pull me under; rather I was relieved to know in advance what I was up against.

It turned out that I ended up with a basilar skull fracture from my fall against the floor when the bomb detonated in Dylan's hands. I do remember the force from that fall and if I thought about it now, it still gave me the shivers – _it literally knocked me to the ground and took all I had_ – it became the precipice for the dream of the second chance_ … now more appropriately, the second chance for the dream._

I remembered a lot from the aftermath – _some fact, some fiction_ – but one thing was for certain … I clearly remembered seeing Derek just before I slipped under. _I was okay until I just wasn't._ I recall Cristina and Izzie helping me with a shower; I can so clearly see the remnants of Dylan circling the drain under my feet. _If I focused hard enough, I could see the red, brownish substance of a man with incredible substance wash away like he was nothing. _I also swear to God I made it home that night, but I now know I never did. The brain is a fragile mystery and can be protected with illusions when injured or impaired_. _

A CT scan – _one I clearly do not remember_ – performed that night revealed a bleed, _a slow one, _but a bleed nonetheless and from that my intracranial pressure became elevated. My condition became precarious enough that Derek assisted the Chief as he performed an angiogram of the head, _which sounds scarier than it is_. During the angiogram they were successfully able to clot the bleed in my head.

_The vain side of me was happier than hell to hear that this was the route they chose – for an angiogram is a procedure in which the blood vessels under pressure in the brain are actually accessed via the femoral artery in the groin – which means I do not presently have a shaved head! It's serious proof that there is a God (and I'm only half kidding when I say that)! _

In order for my skull to heal properly, it was decided I should be put into a barbiturate-induced coma. There is some controversy surrounding comas such as these, but in my case, it seemed to work … so a month and some unknown period later_, I was all whole and healed_. The time had come for them to take me off of the barbiturate drug and they apparently did that this morning. It all sounds ideal, perfect even, but here's the tricky part – _and the reason why everyone is so worried at this juncture_ – some patients placed under drug-induced comas suffer a variety of ills only _after _they are pulled from their sleep-state.

One of the more serious conditions is ICU Psychosis. The condition's name is exactly that, patients of the ICU sometimes have episodes of _delusion or delirium_ after being secluded for a period of time … they can appear confused, distant, perplexed. Episodes can be dangerous, even deadly if the delusion is "real" enough. The same risks are present for patients coming out of drug-induced comas in which they have been internally isolated and secluded from the world.

_So, the differences between coma-dreams and reality can be disorienting to say the least … hell my dreams were a testament to that! _

The onset of ICU Psychosis is usually sudden and frequently occurs at night. Episodes can last for a day while in ICU or even start weeks later once the patient returns home. It can be treated with medicine, but the best way to combat it is by having friends and family close by – _not all at the same time_ – but someone trusting should be with the patient to calm and soothe them because episodes can be confusing and frightening. I sighed inwardly now, of course all of these points reminded me of my mother and how she reacted when this happened to her – _usually at night, alone in her room at the home – _I could cry just thinking about how lonely and scared she must be at times.

_I let my mind roll back and forth over my mother now … how was she? Who was looking after her? Was she okay? Did she miss me at all? _

Answers to those questions and so many more were imminent – _any time now_ – any moment could be it. And as much as I wasn't looking forward to certain aspects of my recovery, there were some positives … _Derek and his elusive plan._ Because if Derek's plan was for him to stay with me; then I couldn't be happier. I just hope I'll remember to be happy about it when I finally wake up. I hope none of this is lost in translation.

"'_Cause you say you'll follow through … you follow me and I follow you!"_

Like Derek told my pack, I may be confused and I may not be able to discern my dreams from my reality. I know everyone will be on heightened alert – _I would have to focus, hold on to my dreams and my reality, keep them in silos for now_ – because that fine line between _the dream and chasing the dream_ would only become more blurred as I became more lucid.

And as much as I wanted to move on from this whole experience … _I wanted my dreams too!_ _I desperately needed my dream-memories to survive! I know I simply will not feel complete without them. _The memory of Derek, _as_ _my lover and friend_, the memory of Derek as _my everything_ must survive this ordeal, because if it doesn't – _if __he__ doesn't_ – then it will surely change who _I_ am.

Change was gonna come ... it was around the next corner ... it was in my next breath ... it was in me ... _breathe in, breathe out_ ... time was almost mine again. I relaxed and focused, small pieces of my dream world ebbed away ... far and away ... and then I felt it: _life_.

_Without warning I heard my door-swing open again and the sound cracked through my reverie like an electrical storm at the shore … _

_It was so loud it rocked my soul …_

_The crash called for me, it broke through that last barrier of my subconscious effectively waking me up and pulling me from that protective silo I had been living within … _

_I heard a shuffle and the door creaked shut and I was alone …_

_Engulfed in silence …_

I heard the faint, consistent beep of my heart monitor and for the first time since I had regained that small cognitive part of myself … it wasn't the _only_ thing I heard. _I heard myself breathing!_ _I felt my heart thump and my chest as it rose and fell with every breath._ I could _feel _the scratchy hospital linens against my skin and under my fingertips as my hands lay at my sides. And finally – _my eyes were not heavy_ – no longer laden with sleep and the need for repair.

_I was back. _

_And I was 'me'. _

I felt sore, like I had fallen asleep on the couch with my neck in an impossible position. I felt stiff as a board, _but_ _that light-as-a-feather feeling was gone ... a distant memory now._ I could feel my fragile body as it pressed into the meager gurney. I could feel everything … and now all I had to do was dare myself to open my eyes.

_And then I did it, just like that. I lifted my eyelids and opened my gateways to the world once again. _

_I sighed; I heard and felt myself react to that breath. A chill covered my skin and I was suddenly freezing, but I had no care for that. I was back and I was alone and as much as I wanted to see a friendly face right about now, I was secretly glad to have this cherished moment all to myself. This moment in time belonged to me, and right here and now I would bid farewell to the dream and start living again._

_My dream had survived and I would keep it with me forevermore locked away until I was ready to share it. I would suffuse it to my reality and never set my sights lower than reaching for the pinnacle, the zenith once again with Derek at the mid-point of where heaven meets the earth. This second chance at the dream was mine to keep and to live. _

"_Oh you lead me on, till the feelings come …"_

_Only then did I move my eyes around the room, slowly, slowly, frame by frame. My vision was blurred and I tried to focus on the doorway in front of me. I watched with bated breath as the edges gradually became more defined. I locked my gaze on the hinges and smiled to myself – my swing, my door, my swing – momentum filled my veins, nerves, cartilage, bones, heart, soul and everything in between!_

_I was back. _

_And I was 'me'. _

It was evening time; the dim overcast light offered muted and blurry shadows and I watched with interest as they danced a slow waltz along the four walls of my room. I glanced down and let my eyes roam over my body. I sent a signal from my brain … _'wiggle your toes'_ … it took a second and then I did it. I smiled inwardly. My throat was indeed sore; Derek was right about that … it felt raw and dry. I let saliva pool in my mouth and then swallowed; I did it again … already better.

_Without moving my head, I let my eyes wander around the room some more. Against the far wall was a simple cot, the bed unmade. A set of dark blue scrubs were neatly folded and lay on top of the pillow there. A lab coat hung on the back of a chair in the corner. A pile of medical journals lay next to the bed on the floor. A vile of eye drops there too. My heart stilled, pulsed, pumped and then stopped: had Derek been sleeping here too?_

My eyes drifted to the table right next to me. I spotted the edge of something bright green and familiar under a journal someone had placed there. It was a book, tattered and torn around the edges – _a book I had seen before, a book I knew intimately_ – but hadn't seen for my own eyes in a very long time. My heart shook as I dared myself to turn my head and take hold of it, but as I did … my _door-swing_ swung open … and the world and my heart stopped again.

_Derek stood in the doorway in front of me and gasped. His energy instantly took over the space around us. We were frozen in time, for I had been in this precise moment before! I locked my gaze with his as he stood in the doorway now as if not one minute had passed since the last time I truly saw him … since the moment he stood in the doorway and told me about our last happy kiss. He stepped into the room and let the door creaked shut behind him, all life remained outside. It was just the two of us again._

"_You lift me up, don't you ever stop, I'm here with you."_

_Fear crippled me and my mind became fuzzy with confusion. I stilled my heart. Derek was wearing the same clothing! The same jacket, the same pants … was this all part of the elaborate dream? Was I already experiencing some kind of psychosis? My heart rate spiked and suddenly a fever pricked my skin, for I was losing it! I stared at him now … he had the same expression on his handsome face as he did that night – it was one of wonder, relief and gentle kindness – it was one meant just for me. _

_My heart raced as he approached the bed – momentum was finally upon us – and within seconds he was there, right in front of my eyes! He stood at the side of the bed. His gaze never left mine as he gently moved the bedrail down. Tears welled in his eyes and spilled from them like a bathtub overflowing. _

He sat down on the bed and took my hand in his."Meredith," he whispered, but it came out a warbled, tortured cry.

_He became blurred around the edges as thick tears filled my eyes. "I'm here! It's me!" wanted to shout, but I nodded instead and only then did he crumble into pieces. He lowered his head and sobbed into his body, his forehead resting on our hands, his elbow on my hipbone. His hot tears covered our flesh; his cries of relief filled the room. I slowly moved my other hand and rested it on top of his forearm. His temperature was warm and familiar despite his jacket. Tears splattered from my eyes and ran down my face as he raised his head to find me again._

_He leaned in and moved his thumbs over my flesh, soothing those tears away. Through clear eyes I watched as his gateways came to life again … they sparkled and glistened under the dim fluorescent hospital lights just for me now, just like they did in my dreams over and over and over again. His eyes scanned mine and he pressed his lips together. He was lost in the moment. I could feel the energy of his heart and soul and everything in between and only then did I realize I was back inside our bubble! _

"'_Cause you say you'll follow through …you follow me, and I follow you."_

"Meredith," he cried again, his eyes never leaving mine. "Are you there?" he asked so softly, barely audible as if he was afraid of the answer.

_I smiled all the way up to my eyes and nodded, I squeezed his hand. Relief consumed him, I watched as he melted with relief inside, tears pooling again. He cupped my face with his hand and I felt his breath breeze across my wet cheeks. His eyes scanned mine – back and forth – and I knew he was in denial, I knew he needed to know: had he done right by me? I knew he was trying to survey the damage without saying too much._

"You're okay," he reassured us both. "I promise I'm gonna tell you everything, okay," he soothed. "Don't be scared, I have you. Is your throat sore? You were intubated, I can have someone bring some ice for you now," he rambled on, leaning up to move away from me, perhaps to call someone.

_But before he had a chance, I pulled him back down to me, half-grunting from my effort. I gripped his forearm tightly with my hand … holding on for dear life! Don't leave me, not yet, it's too soon my dream-lover, my buoy! I couldn't be alone, not now! I didn't want life to begin just yet either! I wanted this moment alone with him – selfishly I wanted the moment to last a little longer – before all of the bustling; the intrusion of life and the tests of my recovery began._

_I wanted him. Only him. I was back. And I was 'me'. _

I smiled and pushed more saliva down my throat, better still. Derek moved even closer and I got lost in the sea of his deep blue eyes. He scanned my whole face again. His familiar earthy scent wafted up and stuck to my nostrils. I took a deep breath in and tried to savor him, I ached for him … for proximity … for intimacy … I had truly missed him!

"You're beautiful Meredith," he sighed, sitting back down. "I missed your magical eyes … oh God, how I missed you, there's so much I have to tell you –" he stopped himself. "I missed you so much," he said softly again before his face became laden with uncertainty and his eyes glassed over with emotion.

_I watched as he began to cry again; I brought my hands up to his face, flanking his skull, feeling his stubble-rough flesh under my fingers. I held his face in mine and locked my gaze with his trying my best to allay his fears without words. Our bubble came and housed us, if I closed my eyes it would be as if no time had passed. It was just like a dream … except it wasn't! It was just us, safe and sound and warm and lost within each other once more. _

_I brought his head down and he leaned into me – tempting fate, calling for destiny to come for us – I kissed his temple … 'kiss it better, actions are better than words', I silently chanted. _

_I let my lips linger on his warm flesh, I heard him stifle a sob, but I kept them there still, trying to soothe him in the only way I knew how. I pulled back slowly and let my action seep into his heart … silently hoping he would get my message. He took my hands into his and brought them down to the bed._

"You're gonna be fine," he confirmed again, his voice cracked wide open while I watched as he finally folded from the pressure, breaking down, resting his head on top of our hands. He trembled so fiercely the whole bed shook from his release.

_I closed my eyes __for a moment and listened to his cries. He was breaking my heart. I had to do something, so I opened my eyes again and straight away __lifted his face in my hands. I watched his eyes quiet __down__ as we allowed ourselves to be calmed by our mutual proximity … I took a deep breath of our air, it was still true, I simply could not get enough of this man._

_I sighed inside as his soft magical eyes scanned mine for reassurance. He leaned forward and gently took my skull in his hands. There was just a millimeter of space between us now – our exhales collided with one another – twirling up and around us. We were holding each other, maneuvering through limbo together. With every passing moment another part of me woke up … time was moving again. Derek kept his eyes trained on mine as he began to speak._

"I can say anything to you, can't I?" he asked softly, his hot breath fanned my face; his eyes bore into mine. I smiled in response. "I missed your eyes Meredith, without your eyes open it was like you weren't really there, but you're here now, aren't you?" he asked wistfully. I smiled under his palms. "I want a second chance to be with you," he stated evenly and then he smiled. "But you already knew that didn't you?" he breathed through his tears and so did I; my heart went nuts over his confession. He chuckled. "You want more, don't you?" he smirked slightly. I nodded slowly, for I loved his professions. "Hmm … I've been in love with you for …ever," he declared, tears sprang from my eyes. "And yes, I can say that freely now, _I'm free …_ _we're free_," he said, his nose brushing against mine, the meaning of his words began to sink in. "There's no one for me but you and we'll get there together … I promise I'll wait until you're ready, I would wait forever and a day for you," he chuckled softly with a sniffle. "But you already knew that too, didn't you?" he asked and I watched a small tear pop from the corner of his eye, it traveled down his face and collided with my fingers, I felt it under my hold and I set it free.

"_You'll take me home where the magic's from …and I'll be with you."_

_I smiled; yes I did know all of those wonderful things._ _My heart rate pulsed and I felt like I should say something too, that my actions were not speaking loudly enough. But I knew it would have to be one word … one word to say it all, it would be all I had because my throat was truly on fire and I would need relief soon. But not before I let Derek know in no uncertain terms that I wanted the living dream too! I wanted him in my life and I wouldn't tolerate it any other way!_

_I moved his head closer to me and turned my head slightly. Derek sat back and leaned into my ear. My heart beat so wildly in my chest – thump, thump, thump – I felt like it might give out. A fever chill coursed up and down my body and I felt my skin prick in response. My mind was moving a mile a minute, millenniums into the future as I stared at Derek, locking my gaze on his, focusing … concentrating … willing myself to return a sentiment!_

"Do you want to say something?" he whispered into my ear hesitantly, leaning back slightly. The warmth from his body still filled the space between us. "You can try, it might hurt … you can say anything to me Meredith," he encouraged.

_I looked into his deep eyes and nodded. Derek ducked his head down so he could hear me; his eyes remained locked on mine. The world stopped again and everything was silent, still._

_I heard our breathing._

_I felt my heart pumping. _

_My heart monitor beeped on in the background. I reached up and pressed my hand over Derek's heart and he smiled. "I love you," I chanted silently, thick tears came, but I willed them away. "I'll love you until the day I die, for real," I confessed silently, his heart muscle moved under my hand – thump, thump, thump – it beat for me now, for my touch. I kept my eyes trained on his; he became fuzzy around the edges. I __pushed__ saliva down my throat once more … almost time. "I'll love you for an eternity and beyond, I'll love you fo –"_

"Forevermore," I said out loud, my voice was harsh and raspy and broken, but I said it. My waiting tears spilled from my eyes … I felt Derek's heart stop on my sentiment, skipping a full beat.

He leaned closer and grabbed my eyes with his, hovering over me for a split second before whispered into my ear. "I'll love you forevermore too, Meredith."

_From there, he closed that millimeter of space between us and kissed my neck; I promptly melted inside. His lips lingered there and he pressed them into my flesh, it felt like no time had passed since he had last kissed me that way._ _And I knew with some work, I would be able to hold onto my precious dreams and live in the here and now with Derek. It would be hard at first, but eventually they would be fused together and become one in the same. _

_For now there was no doubt in Derek's mind that I had indeed heard him whilst I was "gone". One word could do that – forevermore – one word could mean the world between lovers. It was like a precious code to our souls. Derek knew that now and I too wanted the second chance for a living dream and that's all I really wanted for the moment. I wanted to calm his weary mind and soul and assure him that he did right by me. _

_I was back._

_I__ was whole._

_I was healed. _

_And I was 'me'._

_And without a doubt in my mind … I still loved Derek more than ever before. _

_So, what's it gonna take to make a dream survive? _

_I suppose we're about to find out … together._

**Chapter 22 to follow.**

**Author's Note: I did a fair amount of research for a medical condition I could Meredith in this story, should anyone feel compelled to know more, I have a complete listing of the sites I used ... where I have drawn information on skull fractures, angiograms of the head and ICU Psychosis, but as with many works of fiction, the pieces don't work unless there is some degree of suspension of disbelief ... so I can only hope the entire package intrigues you here.  
**


	51. Chapter 22, Gypsy, Part 1 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thank you for the lovely words on this piece, your thoughts mean a lot to me as does your excitement to read the love story within the story (I am smiling widely over what is coming your way).**

**This song, "Gypsy" is amazingly perfect for Meredith at this point in her story, her coming back, and Stevie Nicks is just … oh well there are no words to describe her everlasting talent. So Enjoy!**

**Chapter 22 – ****Gypsy **

Lyrics for "Gypsy" by Stevie Nicks:

So I'm back, to the velvet underground  
Back to the floor, that I love  
To a room with some lace and paper flowers  
Back to the gypsy that I was  
To the gypsy... that I was

And it all comes down to you  
Well, you know that it does  
Well, lightning strikes, maybe once, maybe twice  
Ah, and it lights up the night  
And you see your gypsy  
You see your gypsy

To the gypsy that remains faces freedom with a little fear  
I have no fear, I have only love  
And if I was a child  
And the child was enough  
Enough for me to love  
Enough to love

She is dancing away from me now  
She was just a wish  
She was just a wish  
And a memory is all that is left for you now  
You see your gypsy  
You see your gypsy

Lightning strikes, maybe once, maybe twice  
And it all comes down to you

And it all comes down to you

Lightning strikes, maybe once, maybe twice  
And it all comes down to you

I still see your bright eyes, bright eyes  
And it all comes down to you  
I still see your bright eyes, bright eyes  
And it all comes down to you

I still see your bright eyes, bright eyes  
(she was just a wish)  
(she was just a wish)  
And it all comes down to you

Lightning strikes, maybe once, maybe twice  
And it all comes down to you

###

**Chapter 22 – Gypsy – Part 1 of 3**

"_And a memory is all that is left for you now."_

Reluctant as I was to let sleep come for me after I awoke, I had no choice in the end. Derek _promised_ me I would wake up again and after fighting it with all I had; I slipped under into the abyss of sleep with Derek coaxing me there, whispering in my ear that he would be the first person I would see in the morning.

Sleep came easily once I acquiesced to what my body desperately wanted, and all I remember was the feeling of Derek's hand over mine, the sound of the hard rain as it splattered against my window and of course the energy of our bubble. It consumed me … _anesthetizing_ me to the world once again.

Throughout the night I floated in and out of a deep sleep, my brain working overtime to self-check and regain awareness. Rachel, my nurse, came in several times – _maybe even on the hour to check my vitals – _and uninterrupted sleep was fine by me, for truthfully I was a bit scared to fall asleep at all. She smiled reassuringly every time I woke up and I smiled back, her kind brown eyes told me everything was okay – _we communicated without words as she moved through her markers_ – she winked when she was finished, each time slipping out of the room without a sound, except for the slow creak of my _door-swing_.

_After she disappeared I let my eyes wander to Derek's sleeping form to check on him. I noticed he was always in a different position – he wasn't sleeping soundly – but who could really blame him. _

As Rachel disappeared this last time, I trained my eyes on Derek once again. He was laying on his back now, his right arm raised above his head, his left hand on his belly. His chest rose and fell as it should – _up, down, up down_ – his breathing regular and steady from what I could hear over the storm that raged outside. I focused on his chest and tried to mimic his even tempo. Thunder had boomed all night long, but the storm seemed to be hovering over Grace now, maybe finally moving over and beyond us.

_Movement was literally in the air._

Without warning – _lightening struck outside_ – literally shocking my senses awake and for a split-second the entire room was illuminated and we were frozen in time. And in that moment, I felt the momentum of life call for me. I can't explain it, but I saw Derek – _the real man, not just the dream of him_ – I was reminded of his precarious state: _he was little more than a shell, battered and bruised, broken and glued back together._ And this changed it all for me, because I wanted for him was what he so desperately wanted for me_. I wanted to be able to absorb his pain and suffering … only to replace it with the living dream._

As the room darkened again, Derek rolled over, facing me, hugging his pillow tightly like a child. Thankfully, he did not wake up. The dim predawn light cascaded down and around him from the window there and all of a sudden it added an eerie glow to his skin tone – _he looked like a fallen angel, crouching away from something fearful_ – yes, my once-lover, my devoted friend, my confidant in all of this was still slightly broken. His worry lines were etched into his handsome face, even now with sleep upon him. _I saw a man who was strong for me, but crumbling away on the inside. _

And then I remembered our chat again and I knew that some of that worry was alleviated, that the storm would begin to subside now that I was awake. And that the levees had been repaired and that maybe he was sleeping tonight because of our words to each other and our mutual commitment to realizing our dreams. And then I thought, just maybe, maybe _I_ held that kind of power – _maybe I could heal and repair him_ – just like he did for me. Yes, I was back and I would make sure of that. I would make sure the dream would never ever die and that we would live it out together.

"_I still see your bright eyes, bright eyes … and it all comes down to you."_

Part of me wanted to jump out of this bed and go to him … sleep with him … wrap myself up in him. I wanted to soothe him straight away without thinking so much about it. I wanted to take his pain and throw it overboard and start fresh. But Derek was in a strange emotional place, for while I was – _gone, sleeping, healing_ – he was managing a host of his own issues. Namely his guilt-complex over my crises of hope, his treatment of my injuries and the tension and strain he carried with him in his longing for his second chance at his dream.

_It was a lot, it was a lot for one person to absorb and rise above and I could only lay back and marvel at his tenacity and devotion. And as much as I wanted to start fresh – I knew we would never be able to – for we had a tumultuous past and he had betrayed me like no other. I knew Derek would come to terms with his betrayal and that we would overcome that and work through it together. Again, I had the luxury of the dream in which we already had. _

I blinked, making sure Derek was still there and then I closed my eyes once again, perhaps for the last time before I would awake in the morning and the intrusion of life would truly begin to mingle with my dreams, for real …_a time when the lines of life and dreams would invariably converge. _

As I relaxed into the uncomfortable bed, I found myself going back to our talk again, for it was raging in my mind much like the storm outside. I recall that after some ice chips and much-needed ibuprofen, my throat had started to feel better. Derek performed a battery of tests and while he worked, he talked and talked about my case and his life. I could tell he kept the mostly one-sided conversation light – _I knew he didn't want to overwhelm me_ – but I insisted on knowing everything … _the good and the bad. _

Our time together in those first few hours was exactly what we both needed, both together and apart from one another. I watched and listened to his _real_ words and he spoke to me, leaving no emotion unearthed. And as time finally moved forward, I literally saw his eyes and spirit become brighter and brighter with each passing moment and I felt a host of emotions I never thought possible.

_The fact remained, I still loved Derek very much and waking up had only intensified that love._

Derek's sincerity was palpable and his determination in being honest and open with me about his feelings and my medical recovery were nothing short of beautiful in my eyes. He talked his way through my case for the both of us – _attempting to cleanse and heal himself in the process_ – opening himself up to his fears while I tried to calm him the best I could with my simple, rudimentary questions and answers.

_We had intended to keep it light, for we had all the time in the world for serious and all-consuming – but nothing is ever light and superficial for us and over time I found myself having exactly the type of conversation I secretly craved._

Even now as I lay here in my deep sleep once again, focusing on the orbs of Derek's beautiful blue gateways as a means of relaxing myself… _I had to wonder if all that I experienced since waking up was a dream._ I say that because it was in so many ways … this is exactly what I would have wanted to wake up to find.

I would have wanted the impossible: _to wake up and find Derek completely available to me in mind, body and spirit._ Our conversation from last night was on instant replay in my head now – _running a continuous loop_ – and so I dared myself to remember every moment of this new dream-reality I woke up to.

"_I have no fear, I have only love."_

###

"_Can I get you something stronger than ibuprofen?" Derek whispered in my ear – his proximity shocked me and it was if no time had passed – chills ran down my neck, hitting my toes with full force, before the sensation ripped back up to my skull. His fingers laced through mine, a perfect fit, as always … his hot breath breezed across the nape of my neck in just the right place. _

"_No," I said cautiously, testing my vocal cords. "A mint?" I asked with a small smile._

"_Sure, it might burn your throat a little at first," he cautioned with a smile. "But I get it," he laughed. _

_I watched Derek cross the room to his lab coat and fish out a tin of Altoids. He crossed the room again and opened the tin. I took one and he placed the tin on the table next to me. My gaze stopped on that bright green book – my heart raced and a shiver ripped up and down my spine – why __was__ that book here? Derek sat down, his thigh touching mine; he reached up and moved my hair from my face. I stared at the book, suddenly drawn to reach for it._

"_Where –"_

"_Do you want another blanket?" he whispered, interrupting me. "Sorry, you were saying?" he chuckled._

"_No blanket," I said softly, thankful for the distraction. "I only need you," I added, surprised by my own bravado. _

"_Oh, you can't get rid of me," Derek chuckled, running his warm hand up and down my arm. "Didn't you see my cot over there?" he teased._

_Hmm, so I was right, he had been sleeping in here. I smiled. _

"_You stayed," I said more of a statement of fact than a question._

"_I stayed," he confirmed with a small smile._

"_You're free," I announced._

"_I'm free," he leaned in, planting his lips on my temple, healing me there, he smelled like home. I squeezed his hand._

"_When?" I asked._

"_About a week after you went under – everything was finalized – it was quick … it was …," he sighed, losing himself just a bit. "It was time. It was over and I was …," he sighed with a harsh whisper, trying to calm his voice and emotion._

_But tears came and fell down his face with no inclination of letting up. I took his face in my hands and I forced him to look at me. I didn't say a word; for he needed to say more and I needed to listen. I ran my thumbs across his cheeks, wiping his fat tears away. He needed a clean slate and I needed to fill in the blanks so I could live in the here and now with him._

"_I was consumed," he smiled. "With … you," he added. "Everyone knew it, Addison … oh and Mark, ah … Mark came and he whisked her away. It was better that way, I was … I was lost without you Meredith," he said, his voice cracking around the edges, he looked down and away from me, he was starting to break from the inside out. "I'm so sorry, I chose wrong, I'm sorry I broke you and I know that's not enough, but for now it has to be … I just don't want to upset you while you recover," he said rapidly, crying into himself._

_Tears pricked my eyes while I let him have a moment. All I could hear was my heart pounding away in my chest while his head hung low._

"_You told me," I said, my voice cracked, breaking through his cries. Derek's head shot up, his eyes locked on mine again. "About Mark … everything," I recalled._

"_Yes, I told you everything, I talked to you all the time … you heard me," Derek said, somewhat mystified._

"_You whispered," I smiled._

"_Yes, every night, whenever I was alone with you – we all did, your friends too – but I told you everything," he smiled. _

"_Thank you," I said softly. My throat, rapidly becoming raw and tired._

"_Welcome," he sniffled, breaking down slightly, his shoulders hunched as he shook his head._

_I moved my eyes down to reach his gaze and locked mine on his. "I was lost too," I said carefully, reaching for his hand. I swallowed again, my throat engulfed in flames now. "Without you," I sniffled; tears clouded my eyes._

"_But you found me, you came back," Derek said. He took my hands, kissed the tops and let them rest on the bed._

"_I did," I said smiling._

"_I'm not going anywhere," he confessed. "Are you ready for that?" he asked, his smile somewhat self-deprecating._

"_Yes," I said, my heart went nuts._

"_Are you scared?" he asked sincerely, moving closer to me._

"_No … I was," I swallowed again. "I had a dream," I added, emotion clogged my throat up._

"_You were dreaming … about what?" he asked, encouraging me._

"_You … and me," I replied, tears covered my eyes again, Derek moved closer still._

"_Good dreams?" he asked cautiously._

"_Amazing dreams," I answered; my throat smoldering now. _

'_It was like this', I wanted to say. This could have happened in my dreams – this conversation, this cherished moment – this shift in our relationship, I couldn't have dreamt it better. _

"_Were you happy? Did I make you happy?" Derek whispered, so soft, so sincere, and even though we were alone now – I knew this conversation was meant for my ears only – the moment couldn't have gotten more intimate._

"_Yes," I smiled, swallowing hard._

_Derek passed a cup of ice chips to me and I fished one out and put it in my mouth, I was temporarily relieved of my pain. Derek smiled._

"_Did you love me?" he asked, his unsettled eyes bore into mine. _

"_Madly," I said without looking away – it was a game of truth or dare at this point – he scanned my face, he looked like he was about to cry again, tears of joy I could only presume. _

"_Did you trust me?" he husked. "Because you have a lot of reasons not to, I know that," he added softly._

"_I learned to," I smiled, for I trusted Derek with my life. _

"_Did we last?" he asked cautiously, so softly, over the lump in his throat._

"_Oh, yes," I smiled, taking another ice chip, he moved his hand up to my cheek, it felt warm and soft and completely familiar._

"_Can you do something for me then?" he smiled … my Derek was returning, his eyes glistened against the fluorescent light. _

"_Anything," I answered, my heart pounded._

"_Promise me," he sighed, moving closer still. "That you'll show me how to be the man of your dreams," he requested quietly, his voice laden with emotion I had seen only a handful of times since I had __really__ known him._

"_I promise … yes," I said with a small smile. _

_He was overcome with emotion, for I had my dreams to reference my feelings for him, a luxury he did not have. The tortured look on his face just broke me though; it just did me in. Derek moved even closer still. He cradled my skull in his capable hands with gentle force. He stared at me then, I felt our bubble, strong and purposeful – nothing could break through – nothing; the force was so much stronger than the dream, for it was real and ever-present and all-consuming now._

"_I missed you, I can't … I can't tell you how much, there aren't enough words…," he leaned in and kissed my temple, once, twice. I watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed hard. His words seeped into my every nerve and I melted a little more, I awoke just a little more. "My love, longing … my love for you it's an antidote for everything – I've ached for this moment – right here and now, I swear it. This moment in time … Jesus, it's just like a dream … you came back to me," he said, crumbling slightly, falling into me, his warm lips on my neck, his fresh wet tears soaking through my flimsy hospital gown._

"_But it's not … a dream," I said into his hair. "It's happening," I added, but it came out like a stifled sob from deep within._

_I paced my hands on Derek's skull, pressing his head into my shoulder. Situating my fingers in his unruly hair, I pressed him to me. I held him like a baby as he sobbed with relief. He kissed the bare skin of my neck. I lifted his head and his eyes caught mine … and I tempted fate by closing that miniscule distance and kissing him fully on his mouth._

_It wasn't a lustful kiss by any means, but it solidified the meaning of us – it signified that Derek and I were found – that we found each other again. It was a kiss of longevity and fortitude, a kiss that withstood the test of time and dreams and comas and secret wives and everything else in between. _

_It was a tender, loving, life-giving and calming kiss. My dry lips pressed against his supple ones, but I had no care for that, for in this moment in the here and now, he needed that kiss like it was the air we all breathe and so did I. _

_Derek pulled away first and smiled, I closed my eyes, I could still feel his lips pressed upon mine, even as the heat dissipated, the sensation remained. I opened my eyes suddenly and he was just where I left him, staring at me in wonder – so, it was true – this was no longer a dream. I smiled._

"_You kissed it better," he smiled slightly._

"_I did," I confirmed. _

_Derek leaned in. "Do it again Meredith … please," he pleaded softly._

_And so I did._

"_Hmm … minty," he chuckled, before kissing me once more. I smiled and pulled back, yawning slightly when I did. "You need sleep," he suggested._

_I began my protests, but he won in the end. So I closed my eyes and let my mind roll over Derek and my feelings for him. I had no doubt, with my dream-memories intact, that it would have been hard to let go of them, it would have been hard not to strive for them … and the truth was I loved Derek still, way down deep … and in most ways, I never stopped, whether in my dreams or before they all began. _

###

So as I felt the morning break and my body began to wake up, I listened for Derek again and there he was, just like he said he would be. I heard the soft timbre of his voice – _maybe on a phone call_ – and he lulled me without even knowing it, coaxing me to take the chance … to live once again with him in the here and now.

I heard the swoosh of my _door-swing_ – _momentum, life, it was all there for the taking_ – then I heard it's faithful creak and I knew without a shadow of doubt that I had indeed arrived on the other side of this life.

"_I have no fear, I have only love."_

**Chapter 22 – Gypsy – Part 2 of 3 to follow.**


	52. Chapter 22, Gypsy, Part 2 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks for the continued interest in this story; it means a lot. Please continue to let me know what you think. I sure hope this post goes easier than my couple from last Friday, what a mess!**

**Chapter 22 – Gypsy – Part 2 of 3 **

_I heard the swoosh of my door-swing – momentum, life, it was all for the taking – then it's faithful creak and I knew without a shadow of doubt that I had indeed arrived on the other side of this life._

All was quiet … and even though I could have opened my eyes to confirm that I had made it through the night, I kept my seams shut tight – _choosing to savor this minute_ – all alone in the deep, safe silence of my enclave for just a minute longer. Dawn had definitely broken; for I could sense the light through my eyelids and like a teenager, I tried to ignore it but it was a futile effort … _for I was awake_.

I wiggled my toes; they worked just fine. I moved my hands and folded them across my belly. I felt the warmth from my own body temperature heat my belly and beyond, radiating down my legs to my toes. I inhaled a deep breath of the cold clinical air and smiled inside, for it truly smelled like home. I listened for the very faint sound of my heart monitor, strangely seeking comfort from the alternating beep. I found it with ease and sighed. I swallowed hard, my throat already felt a thousand times better!

I took stock of my thoughts, cataloging them in no particular order, other than to let my mind roll over each one and focus for a split-second before moving on … before I would open my eyes and begin my recovery.

_I would rejoin the living. _

_I would see my friends. _

_I would go back to work eventually._

_I would never lose sight of that dream … I would tenaciously chase it until it became our reality, until Derek and I were whole and healed._

My _door-swing _moved abruptly – _life intruded once again_ – then shuffling, the snap of my chart coming off the foot of my bed. Then papers rustling and then something curious … _then_ _a small stifled sob that came out like a gasp_ … hmm, that didn't sound like Derek. _And if it wasn't Derek, then who was my visitor?_ Then came the _click, click_ of a pen spring. A scribble against the chart and then shuffling –_then the cot creaked slightly, a sigh, then nothing _– silence consumed me once again.

I would have loved to have opened my eyes in this very moment and catch the gaze of whoever was in here with me – _but my lids wouldn't budge_ –they were heavy like lead again. My heart rate spiked with a nervous jolt at my predicament, even though I knew what I was experiencing was normal – _that acute fatigue could cover me like a blanket at any time_ – it still was unexpected and challenging, especially since I really wanted to see who was in here with me now! But it was no use, for right at this moment I felt like someone covered me with one of those ridiculously heavy x-ray gowns we've all worn at the dentist. _I was heavy, laden with exhaustion once again._

_There was no point in even trying it seemed. My bones felt porous, but conversely like beach wood too … I held no definition and I could assume that general feeling and boundaries and muscle and nerve tension would come back over time as my body and brain healed their fuses and began to communicate more seamlessly. _

I relaxed a little bit more, forcing the hum of my body to quiet down – _convalesce, slow down, rest, I coached myself _– thinking maybe I would be able to open my eyes again soon if I just forgot about it for a while. But instead I only felt my tired, sore muscles seep into the thin mattress. I let go of all my nervous energy and focused on the sounds in my room now. I heard the now familiar squeak of Derek's cot again and then the shuffling of paper. Another sigh … and then something else … coffee! I could smell coffee and it smelled perfectly divine – _my senses were truly waking up_ – and it was a joy to smell something other than the stale air in this room.

With that thought in mind I was poised to indeed lift my eyelids – _welcome the new day and all of its challenges_ – but my _door-swing_ (_which I really could just start calling my door_) opened and life shuffled out … and I presumed I was alone again until I heard Derek whisper.

"_Hey," _came his soft voice, but he wasn't talking to me … I heard the creak of his cot again.

"_She woke up?" _came Cristina's soft voice … the owner of the faint gasp.

"_Yeah," _Derek said quietly.

"_Wow, so is she –"_

"_She's amazing," _Derek interrupted._ "She's … she's perfect," _he added.

"_She is," _Cristina agreed.

"_She slept alright, she should be up soon," _he offered quietly.

"_Why don't you take a shower, clean up? I can stay until you come back," _she offered softly.

"_Okay," _Derek chuckled._ "Thanks … so um … how are things with Burke?" _he asked, the cot creaked again.

"_Fine, he'll be by later, I just sent him a text," _Cristina replied.

"_Did you talk with him like I suggested?" _Derek asked.

"_Yeah. We'll wait, you were right … he listened to me, he __heard__ me," _Cristina said quickly.

"_Of course he did," _Derek teased._ "He's a smart man," _he added with a chuckle.

"_What's __that__ supposed to mean?" _Cristina said, a hint of her familiar hiss breaking through her otherwise playful tone. _"Are you suggesting I'm difficult?" _she challenged.

"_No, not at all, because you're __so__ easy to get along with," _Derek teased and I heard them both chuckle.

"_Thanks for … you know," _Cristina said, and even though I had no idea what they were talking about, I could tell she meant it.

"_No problem," _Derek answered._ "So, what are you looking for?" _he asked.

"_A starting point," _Cristina answered.

"_I like new starts, blank slates," _Derek sighed heavily, his voice cracking with uncertainty.

"_Me too," _she agreed.

Only then did my eyes flutter open – _spontaneously, instinctually and without command_ – for I needed to make sure Derek was okay. I heard the emotion in his voice just then, the voice of the broken man I would need to help repair and it called to me … telling me it was time to get up and get to work.

_I dared not move a muscle. I watched with intrigue as the two sworn adversaries sat on Derek's cot together … side by side, their shoulders touching. Small tears formed in my eyes, clouding my vision for a brief moment until they disappeared. I was truly speechless – for in my absence – it seemed my two best people had become trusted friends and dare I say allies. _

_They sat together now; their backs pressed against the wall there, legs dangling over the edge. It was gray outside and the dim light provided a blurry, dismal shadow over their faces and shoulders. They both looked tired and worn, but completely at ease with each other. Derek had changed into scrubs. He was looking down pensively and his shoulders were rounded … like he was carrying the weight of the world on them. _

_Tears came again, but I willed them away. He was still a shell of himself and my heart rocked inside my chest. Just slow down, I coached myself. He'll be fine eventually. Cristina was glancing down at a small paperback book; she held a mechanical pencil in her right hand. Her hair was pulled back. I smiled; it was good to see my friend. I saw her look at Derek from the corner of her eye and then she nudged his shoulder and he turned to look at her._

"She's gonna be fine, Derek, the worst is over," Cristina counseled.

"I know, my head's spinning," he said softly. "I'm blessed, I just have to keep it together," he said quickly.

"You will, she's back," Cristina replied. "You did good," she added and my heart went nuts on her words, an image of Dylan in his flak jacket flew in and out of my head so fast I could barely focus on him.

Derek peered over her shoulder and down to her book. "How about nines, you already have five of those," Derek suggested, effectively changing the subject.

Cristina turned to him. "I still can't believe I got you hooked on this, you're such a junkie!" she teased.

"Me either, it's mindless shit. _Seriously it is_," he laughed, mocking her.

"This is not shit! This is quality Sudoku, Derek, at least two dollars worth!" she teased quietly.

"Well, that's all it's worth," he challenged. "Start with the nines and then go with the threes, see right there," Derek said pointing down to the book, keeping his eyes trained there.

_I smiled. I couldn't help it. Because even if Derek was a mess – even if he was __my__ mess – it turned out that maybe, just maybe he had my friends to help him out while I was "gone" and suddenly I wanted to hug those two for actually tolerating each other without me in the middle._

"Hi," I said into the room.

_They snapped their heads up in unison. Wonder flickered across Cristina's eyes. Derek pressed his mouth together; he smiled, welcoming me home once again, his eyes sparkled just for me. I smiled, but even my best effort couldn't absorb my tears … they came anyway._

"_I still see your bright eyes, bright eyes … and it all comes down to you."_

"Oh my God. Hi," Cristina said as she shimmied off of the cot and walked across the room. Derek was a step behind her; he maneuvered to the opposite side of my bed.

I smiled at Cristina; her dark worried eyes darted around mine for a split-second before they landed on mine. I turned and looked up to Derek.

"Good morning," he said, before leaning down to drop a kiss to my forehead, his lips soft and firm; he smelled of coffee.

"Are you in pain at all? How do you feel?" Cristina asked, resting her hand on my forearm, she continued to scan me with her eyes – _back and forth_ – no doubt making some mental notes on my condition.

"Better now," I replied, my voice raspy and dry.

Cristina leaned in and placed her hand on my shoulder. "Thank you for not dying," she whispered hoarsely into my ear.

_I caught her eyes with mine and caged her there – forced her to look at me then – her voice had cracked, and I watched her fall into the pit of her emotions. It was slow at first, then more intense as her body stiffened and she tried to gain control of the situation … she was like an airplane that hit an unexpected pocket of turbulence – I could tell her range of emotions completely shocked and terrified her – but there was nothing she could do to stop it, it was truly unforeseen, invisible and surprising! Her shoulders began to shake, her lips quivered and her resolve to keep it all together vanished. She leaned into my forearm; her touch was firm, small and hot. Only then did she succumb to the pressure to right herself … to level the plane again._

Giving her a moment, I locked eyes with Derek – _silently pleading for help_ – he smiled encouraging me.

"I'm not going anywhere," I ensured. Cristina looked at me then, her small dark eyes focused on mine now.

"Promise?" she asked softly, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"I promise," I said, trying to reassure all three of us with my words.

"Thank God," she quipped. "I don't think Shepherd would have lasted another day," she chuckled.

I flashed my eyes to Derek. "She's right … but you already knew that," he smiled, reaching down; he took my hand in his; I felt grounded.

"Wow, so are you friends now?" I asked, silently praying that they were.

_Derek looked down to me with a curious look on his face. Then he glanced at Cristina ... he waivered, looking for her to define their relationship. I saw Cristina look at him in dismay, a wordless realization crossed over her face that told me they indeed were. _

"Well, I wouldn't say we're _friends_," she said, a mischievous flash crossed over her eyes. "We're just _friendly_," she suggested with a small grin.

"We're trying," Derek offered with a shrug.

"I'll accept that," Cristina said to him, her eyes falling on me for a split-second. "For once we're on the same side," she added.

"We are," Derek agreed with a smile.

"I think I should probably say I'm proud of both of you," I offered. They looked at me expectantly. "But I'm more relieved," I smiled.

"So are we," Cristina said softly, and all of a sudden she wasn't talking about them anymore.

Derek sighed, pressing his lips together, holding himself back from saying something. Cristina smiled and I watched her eyes become clear, the worry exited via her tear ducts.

Derek took the bedrail down and sat down next to me. He leaned in; his hot breath breezed across my neck, sending shock waves throughout my body. "I'm so blessed you came back," came his words, cracking through the web of his whisper. _Only they had no place to go inside our bubble … so they just floated in the air and … lingered._ He kissed my neck. I looked at him, my cheeks flushed, he cupped my face and the heat raged on under his palms, he moved them down and away after only a second. "We have to get going with your recovery plan, your muscles are going to be weak ... so once we look at your scans, you can start physical therapy and we'll get that catheter out once you get the green light to move out of this bed," he said softly.

"_We?"_ I asked with a small smile, we were becoming a _'we'_ again already.

"Yes, _'we'_," he confirmed quietly, leaning into me, his body heat radiating down on me like the sun and surf on the warmest beach day: _hot, warm, inviting_. "I'll leave you in Cristina's capable hands while I talk to the folks who are in charge of your care," he added, flicking his eyes up to her, his hands moving to hold mine.

"I have about fifteen minutes until rounds, send someone in to check on her vitals, would you?" she asked.

"I'll be back then," Derek said; his bright blue eyes bore into mine. He pushed a piece of my hair behind my ear before he stood up, his touch lingered as he smiled down at me.

He turned and crossed the room, pulled on the door – _but hung back for a second –_ looking at me once more, like he might never see me again.

"Meredith … don't go anywhere," he said softly, his eyes smiling over his joke before he disappeared and the door creaked shut behind him.

"_I still see your bright eyes, bright eyes … and it all comes down to you."_

Cristina released the bedrail and sat down next to me. "So, who are my doctors?" I asked, suddenly alarmed that Derek was only at an arm's length.

"Don't worry about that, between Derek and the Chief," she shook her head. "You've got the best and … ah … um … _did Derek tell you he took a leave of absence?_" she added with haste.

"I remember. I mean, I think I heard something about his plan," I muttered, trying to discern my dreams from my reality.

"He's planning to come home with you, to look after you," she said cautiously _… hmm,_ _so it wasn't a dream_. "None of us can do it, he has the time and ah … quite frankly, he needs a break Meredith," she said, her voice hoarse with emotion that surprised me.

"It's been hard, for him, _for you_ … a lot has happened," I surmised evenly, a small flicker of something clouded my mind, _I tried to grab it_, but it was gone already.

"Yes," she answered quietly, her eyes scanning mine again. I smiled.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked … _when was she gonna tell me about Burke?_

"It can wait, we have time, right?" she asked.

"We do," I answered. "But …,"

"But what, Meredith?" she asked evenly, but her eyes betrayed her – _alarm flooded them, she cocked her head_ – but I was already lost.

I could hear her, but it sounded like her voice was at the end of a tunnel. I could see her plain as day, but fractional pieces of a dream-memory flooded my mind without warning now. My words would not come; I was simply overpowered by my thoughts.

"_Meredith, I did it!"_

"_Meredith, can you hear me?_"

"_I told Burke I am in love with him."_

_Where was he?_

_My heart was in my throat …then it pummeled into my stomach._

_Fever pricked my skin … my nerves were shot._

"_He's in there!" I felt Cristina's broken sob pound into my chest like a jackhammer._

"_This isn't me, I'm not this woman, I thought I could be, but I can't!" she shouted._

"_I'm a mess, inside, I'm a mess, if I move from here – this chair – it will be over!" she said loudly, breaking through the quiet of the room._

And then my mind went blank – _a ferocious white light swallowed all of the images up – _and I was back …sitting across from Cristina … in my bed. My heart was in my throat. I was safe and sound, but scared out of my mind.

"Meredith, are you okay?" Cristina asked, the dark beads of her eyes scanning mine.

"Was Burke shot?" I asked cocking my head on my realization, needing confirmation, seeking clarity.

"Yes," she said, locking her gaze with mine, a hint of disbelief there too. "You heard me, I came in here to hide that day, I told you everything," she confessed.

"Yes, I did … although, I was dreaming a lot," I said, watching for her reaction.

"That's perfectly normal for someone in a barbiturate coma, you know," she suggested, sticking with the practical side of medicine.

"_What happened, why did you hide? Is Burke okay? Do you love him?"_ I asked rapidly as the questions pinged around in my head like popcorn.

"I went to him. Eventually. He's fine – _well, now he is_ – Derek, Derek was … _he was there for us_," she said reflectively.

_Then a flutter of something else flooded my mind … Derek was concerned about Burke's surgery. Yes, he was worried – he needed perspective – but I dare not say anything now, for Derek's confessions were his own and were not meant to be shared with anyone else. _

_And then there was the Chief! He was in here too that day with Derek. And then my blood ran cold. Flutters of thoughts crowded my mind – my mother, the Chief, their affair, he left her, but he loved her – raging images swirled around and around … there was no end in sight as I silently replayed Derek's conversation with the Chief … he loved my mother, they had an affair, was this part of my elaborate dream or had they been lovers? Fact or fiction, ready or not, it was all coming back and I would have to deal with it. And with that admission, I glanced down at the table next to my bed and saw the thin binding of that bright green book and I shuddered._

"That's good, I'm guessing you all talked to me about Burke," I finally replied, my voice monotone, I couldn't release my mind.

"Yes, we talked to you all the time," Cristina said, breaking through my invisible barrier, bringing me back into the here and now.

"I know, I think I incorporated bits and pieces into this elaborate dreamscape of mine," I chuckled weakly. "I guess over time I'll figure it out," I added. "How are you and Burke?" I asked hesitantly, thinking about my dream of how they were and how nice it was for her.

"We're good," she chuckled. "Finally," she laughed and so did I, she no doubt thinking about Burke, while my mind drifted to Derek. I sighed.

The beep of Cristina's pager jarred us from our independent reveries. "Shit, I have to go, Derek will be back soon, or I can call someone else if you don't want to be alone," she added, standing up.

"No, I'll be alright, I have a call button," I joked.

I watched as she walked towards the door. "Hey Meredith?" she asked. "I'm glad you're back," she added with a smile before she exited the room.

The door creaked shut and I was alone again. My head was spinning and I was anxious. Derek explained how my sleep-dream memories could be confused with reality and I did what he said, I tried to remain analytical and work through it, bringing myself back to the here and now. And it worked, in part because Cristina was here to break on through to me. _A rush of relief crashed over me as I my mind rolled over Derek's plan to stay with me._ I would have to talk to him about this, this thing with my dream today. I knew it was perfectly normal, but worrisome nonetheless.

I wanted to ask him about Burke's surgery too, I wanted to tell Derek about my dream and even though I was sad to realize that he did not find the perspective he needed that day from me – _I longed to let him know I was there in spirit_ – that I indeed heard his confession. I felt certain Cristina was withholding something from me, but I didn't want to push her. I also desperately wanted to ask him about the Chief's confession about his affair with my mother; I wanted to know if there was any truth to it, regardless, my dreams were dangerously suffused to my reality and it was a bit disconcerting.

On that note, I turned my attention to the book on the table next to my bed. I would have to deal with my feelings about this – _I knew it was going to be hard to go there_ – but it had to be done. After all, my childhood and the misery I felt was staring me in the face, how could I ignore it? _I couldn't._ Because, right here and now – _this was the real second chance_ – this was it, and who could say how many more of these I would get.

_I just wanted to know how it got here first, for only one person could have delivered it and all the evil it had to offer. _

I glanced at the book again; sure opening it would hurt. Opening it would split old wounds – _cuts and scrapes and scars that were patched up with years of hate and self-loathing_ – but open it I would, because like I said, this was the real second chance and nothing was gonna stand in my way of catching that dream. And if that meant dealing with this first … well, then there was no time like the present.

_With that, I reached my hand over and set my sights on that book._

**Chapter 22 – Gypsy – Part 3 of 3 to follow.**


	53. Chapter 22, Gypsy, Part 3 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks to those of you who are taking the time to make a review, your words and time mean a lot to me … so keep it up! I truly hope you continue to enjoy this story! This part picks up right where the last section left off. **

**Chapter 22 – Gypsy – Part 3 of 3**

_With that, I reached my hand over and set my sights on that book …_

It lay in the very same spot, untouched, unmoved since I woke up. A medical journal was placed haphazardly over it, but I knew the book from memory. Just from the binding alone I knew what it was. The bottom of it was torn away – _a small piece of the green cover gone_ – leaving the cut out of a small tan triangle in its place, one that had been there for at least twenty-five years, if not more.

I held my arm out still and gingerly tested my reach and strength. I moved the journal slightly and the cover of the book was revealed – _yes it was my book … my father's book_ – I lifted it and placed it on my lap in front of me. I ran my fingertips over the gold indented lettering on the cover – _back and forth, back and forth_ – purposely allowing myself to feel the grooves of the print. I focused on the title and it became a fuzzy blob in no time. I closed my eyes, the dam broke and fat tears cascaded my face.

_I held the book in my hands, feeling its small physical weight, which hardly registered in my grip… but the heavy emotional weight of its presence flooded me like a tsunami and suddenly I was lost at sea._

_I shivered and opened my eyes once again to face the truth. The book was still here, on my lap, right where I left it –it was __his__ copy of this book – and __my__ most favorite childhood story, 'The Giving Tree'. A book he also absconded with when he left me with my mother. No, this was not a dream … my father had been in this room with me, whilst I was completely naked and vulnerable and without my faculties! _

_My heart stopped._

_I tried to wrap my mind around the horror, but I had nothing to combat it. I felt a surge of betrayal seep into my heart and stick there like a tiny post-it note … just another cruel reminder of the painful truth of my childhood. But I wanted answers; why was he here? Who let him in? I thought I could trust my friends, Derek, the Chief … but they let him in here and betrayed my mother and me in one fluid motion! Long since-forgotten questions filled the silent rage in my heart now …_

_Why did he walk away? _

_Why did he abandon me?_

_With that I hugged the long lost tortured treasure from my childhood and felt that old would open up. I sobbed into the empty room and abruptly moved to lay down on the pillow and curled into a protective fetal position, my body was worn and tired – my muscles taut and angry from my movement after being unused for so long – but somehow the pain was muted compared to the ache that pinched my heart muscle over and over again. I hugged the book … now akin to a life preserver. Don't let go, I coached myself as I gripped the book with all I had._

_I desperately wanted to move on from the tragedy of my childhood, that was no secret by now. And in my dreams, I already had. I was …whole … and healed (as much as I could have been) but now – back in the real world – now I couldn't breathe! My blood turned thick and cold as it ran through my veins … I felt my heart harden with pain. I heard the alarm on my heart monitor blaze to life, but I had no care for that now! _

_I couldn't see anything – it was all starting to fade – fever pricked my skin and I thought I was about to pass out! I was fatigued, but I clenched my hands around the book now, I would never let it go, he would never take it from me again! The whole world was spinning at warp speed like a top and I was hanging on for dear life with no one here to save me!_

_Why did he have to leave?_

_Why did he come back?_

_Without warning, I heard an alternating beat – thump, thump – and felt the inertia of the door as it crashed open. I heard Derek's strong voice. His energy was all around me now, flooding the air in my room. I felt his hands on me; he pulled at my arm, hard! _

_I tried to open my eyes to find him, but I was too scared, so I held onto the book instead. I slipped back into the silo of my childhood and cowered down where no one could find me! But Derek fought with me – weakening my resolve, he let me know – he would use everything he had to help me find him in the sea of emptiness. I heard him bark something unintelligible but the only words I could make out were 'line' and 'Rachel'!_

_But just as soon as the storm raged to its peak … the tides began to ebb, eerily so. I felt incredibly warm, like I was wearing clothes right out of the dryer. And suddenly I was moving, swaying. Deep fog filled my mind and I began to rest more easily. A sense of déjà vu covered me like a mosquito net – and I was transported in time – it felt like I was dancing with Derek on the ferryboat just like in my dream. My heart rate stilled, the monitor sent that signal and I too heard the intermittent beep slow down to a more acceptable rate. I was melting out of my skin. Everything was vacant._

_Hot. Blank. White. Serene. _

_Derek._

_I still see your bright eyes … and it all comes down to you._

_Derek._

_I let that warm quiet cover me; it felt like a cashmere blanket. _

_Derek._

_My heart rate was slow and deliberate now; a warm breeze blew across my neck. _

_Derek._

_My veins pulsed with life again._

_Derek._

_My nerve endings popped. _

_I heard Derek speaking in a hushed tone, but it sounded like he was on the other side of a heavy piece of glass – muted, incoherent, and meaningless – just words, jumbled … no connectors. I opened my eyes. I still couldn't hear Derek clearly. I had the book clutched in my hands. I felt a warm heat radiate from my back. I was still moving, slowly rocking – back and forth – gradually, a slow tempo._

_I saw blood._

_Tears came._

_The warm sensation flooded my body again, fever covered my skin … blood had been lost._

_I pressed my chin down into my chest and closed my eyes tight. Make it stop, I pleaded silently. I heard myself whimper into the empty room. Lock it down, I thought desperately. Save it, hold the book and don't let go! Lock it down, save yourself! _

_But I opened my eyes again instead and my breath hitched in my throat at what I saw. It was Derek's arm, his watch on his wrist … he was cradling me, rocking me, lulling me with his even tempo. He was all around me, quite literally holding us together. I felt his thighs bump up against mine. He held me tightly … his body protecting mine. Feeling safer now, I let my ears open to the sounds around me too. _

"_Shh Meredith, slow, deep breaths,"_ he coached from behind me; the impact of his fall was evident.

"_You'll be fine, I'm so sorry,"_ came his stifled cry, a hairline fracture at his core.

"_We'll make it right,"_ he said, cracking wide open.

"_I promise,"_ he added, breaking into pieces now.

I felt his warm lips on the back of my neck and I melted. I was still scared; and I so desperately wanted the fuzziness and fatigue to dissipate so I could think straight. My heart rate was slowing down. I shivered, Derek moved closer to me still. I sighed and burrowed deeper into him and the comfort only he could provide. He kissed me again, healing me without words.

"Derek," I croaked.

"_Meredith, I'm here,"_ he said softly into my ear, his voice gravelly … broken … tormented.

"I'm scared," I offered quietly, my heart raced on my confession.

"_I know,"_ he replied. _"That's okay,"_ he added.

"The blood?" I asked softly.

"_You yanked your IV line out by mistake,"_ he explained evenly, I felt my body quake. _"It's okay, it needed to come out anyway,"_ he shushed it away.

"The book, this book …," I cried, my body began tremble uncontrollably.

"_Yes,"_ he acknowledged, holding me tighter._ "I have you now. Can we turn you around so I can see you? I need to see you,"_ he said, barely above a whisper.

"Okay," I agreed. I released my hold on the book, thereby expelling the last bit adrenaline rattling around in my body.

Derek took the book from me and reached over, placing it back on the small table. My eyes settled on the book for a brief moment before I gingerly rolled onto my back. I looked up to find him; my legs felt cramped, my nerves tight … idle. He smiled weakly. "Come here," he said.

"Hmm, okay," I agreed, moving cautiously onto my side to face him. My body was stiff and unhelpful. Derek moved down to my level and draped the warm blanket around my back; he left his arm there. He inched closer still.

_Our bubble dutifully returned. _

Derek stared at me for a long minute. _He blinked. I blinked._ He smiled weakly. I let myself get lost in the sea of his eyes – _they were raging, unsettled, stormy, slightly vacant_ – but starting to glimmer just for me, just like I knew they would. He looked tired, but not entirely broken. I could see the creases of worry imprinted on his forehead.

_Tears pricked my eyes … it hurt my heart to see him this way; it shook me at my core. The skin around his eyes was darker than usual; he was weathered … not just worn. He looked like he had been fighting a battle and now that it was over he was counting his blessings and his losses. I leaned in closing the distance, craving proximity, feeling the need to reconnect our chain._

"It's your turn," I whispered, my voice raspy.

"For what?" Derek asked quietly, his restless eyes scanned mine.

"To kiss it better," I smiled slightly.

_Derek chuckled, closed his eyes and sighed, before moving that fraction of an inch to press his warm, smooth, strong lips upon mine. My body hummed as he pumped his mouth on mine over and over again – I felt love, security, longevity and our union all at once – I pulled away and smiled._

"Better now?" he asked.

"Hmm, yes," I smiled and let my eyes fall shut for a second. _I opened them again; Derek was right where I left him._

"My father?" I asked, terrified of his answer.

"He's been here, yes. I didn't mean for you to find out that way … _I planned to tell you once you were out of this bed _… in case you wanted to run or something," he offered, moving closer still.

_He placed his hand on my bony hip and rolled me into him even further. His hot breath slammed into me, warming me from the outside in. He reached up and ran his fingers along my cheekbone. My worries began to recede, the storm gone for now, but not forgotten. _

"I'm sorry," he said after a minute, his voice cracked. "It was careless of me to leave the book there," he said softly, his regret evident. My heart raced inside my chest. "He read that book to you almost every day, he said you used to love it," he recounted.

"I did, until he took it with him," I said defiantly.

"Hmm, he wanted something to hold onto," Derek paused reflectively. "But that's his story to tell, okay?" he asked. I blinked on his words.

"Was I ever alone with him?" I whispered … my heart went nuts and a dull ache persisted there, _beat-beat._

"No. _Never._ I wouldn't allow it … that was our one condition – _mine and Cristina's_ – we would never do that to you. He's a stranger, I know …," Derek answered but he hedged for some reason – _his voice trailed off _– he had more on his mind, more he wanted to say.

"What Derek?" I encouraged.

"He … he would never do you harm, but you don't know that, do you?" he asked.

"No, I don't," I said. "How did he find out about me?" I asked, unsure of whether I really wanted the answer.

"It was your medical power of attorney," Derek answered. "You listed your mother, she was no use to us," he sighed, catching my eyes with his. "Our hands were tied and you needed urgent care," he explained, his eyes began to fill with tears. "I had no choice," he confessed, pressing his lips together. He took a deep breath and smiled weakly. "Richard contacted him and after some legal matters were handled, he agreed to become a proxy for your mother, along with me and Richard and Cristina," he sighed, his eyes scanning mine, back and forth now.

"Wow," was all I could say.

My mind fluttered over my decision in my dream for Derek to become my medical power of attorney and then it all snapped into place – _click, click, click_ – went the shutters and I heard small fractions of my father's voice roll around in my head … I can presume from his visits. But I refused to hold on to them, I let them go as soon as they materialized.

"_Is there anything you need?" _

"_She looks so much ... so much like her mother."_

"_Anything at all?"_

"_Her mother would never let me know her …,"_

"We couldn't have done what we needed to do without a blood relative, it was the only way out of the mess with your mother … and we needed to move fast," Derek continued his explanation.

_I was mystified by my father now. He did something for me in all this, something I thought he never would – he acted like a father – he put my needs first. I mean he could have been callous, he could have denied me the care I urgently needed … I don't know why, perhaps to spite my mother. But the fact remained … I did not know him and even though he might know more about me now than he had in the last twenty years … he still didn't really know me and I wasn't convinced I even wanted him to._

"Would you give him a second chance?" I asked, inching closer still, seeking guidance.

"I would consider it, to me he seems harmless … but I have no history with him," Derek said somberly.

I sighed. "Well, neither do I," I said softly.

"It could be a clean slate then, even if he wronged you before, you could give …," he paused, choosing his words carefully. "_You could give him another chance_," he suggested with haste, but then he pressed his lips together with hesitation.

_I watched as he became lost, but I reeled him back in before it was too late._

"Derek," I said inching closer, pushing my knee in between his. He instinctually moved his leg over mine, drawing me even closer. I kissed his chest, just above the vee of his scrub top. He smelled like soap.

"Meredith, you can do this – _you could extend the olive branch_ – I mean," he sighed and looked down to me, catching my eyes with his. "Look what you're willing to do for me, you're giving me a chance at the dream," he whispered, his voice heavy, deliberate. I smiled … _the dream_.

_Derek placed his hand on my neck, just above my hospital gown, resting his long surgeon's fingers in my tresses. I closed my eyes and let the warmth from his hands saturate my body, heart and soul. I was suddenly exhausted; it had been one hell of a morning. I hadn't had one test yet, seen my doctors, or even tried to leave this bed and I was fatigued! I was emotionally spent now too, frayed around the edges at best. I knew would have to deal with my father and all that came with him – and I wouldn't run – because in the end, Derek was right, this second chance was not just for me._

"_Meredith?"_ came Derek's voice; I opened my eyes spontaneously, which was a marked improvement from even this morning. I smiled. "I ordered all of your tests for this afternoon," he said softly. "You need to rest now though, the physical therapist might wipe you out," he cautioned.

"How do you think I'll do?" I asked, my eyes heavy.

"You'll be fine, we'll have to come back for physical therapy, but I think you'll be ready to get out of here in a few of days," he offered.

"With you?" I smiled.

"If you'll have me," he smiled, inching closer.

"I wouldn't have it any other way," I said, closing the distance between us. I brushed my lips against his and closed my eyes.

"_Sleep now and rest, everything is gonna work out just fine,"_ he said softly, his words stuck in his throat; he held me tight.

"Derek?" I whispered, opening my eyes to find his bright blue gateways, so deep, so soulful … but also glistening with fresh tears.

"Yes," he replied, sniffling slightly.

"We'll be fine … we have the dream to look forward to remember?" I asked, reaching up, I wiped those hot tears from his handsome face. I smiled.

"We do," he agreed, and I got lost in watching as his worry lines began to recede.

"Will you whisper me to sleep?" I asked, leaning into his chest. My eyes began to close via their own accord, heavier than lead now. "I've grown … attached to that," I said, but it came out in a mumble as his face became fuzzy around the edges and my lids closed like the doors of an armored car.

Everything was black, an image of Derek's handsome face flashed into my mind, I grabbed it and held onto it with everything I had. _I listened intently for my lover's call … his voice, his coaxing whisper as the aura of our bubble permeated the space all around me and I truly relaxed._ Only then did I hear my prize.

"_I'm so proud of you Meredith. I love you so damn much; just what you do to me … you chew me up, but you never spit me out. Thank you for the second chance to make you happy. You're my angel … I might be yours one day, but you're definitely mine – you have been for a long while now – maybe since the night I met you. You're a giver Meredith, it's one of the reasons I love you so. You give with your whole heart. I've listened to your father read that story to you over and over when you were gone and I gotta say – __you are the tree, Meredith__ – the giving tree. Without judgment, you held out your branches for me and Cristina and Alex and George and Izzie too … you gave them a family tree; you gave them roots in your mother's home and you barely knew them. You give, my love. You give pieces of yourself away so freely … you amaze me. And I promise I'll never tire of trying to give as much of myself back to you. Because I want longevity – I want a lifetime with you – I want to build a tree house with you. And more than anything, I want to give the man of your dreams back to you. So, sleep well my angel, my everything. I love you, I love you so."_

And then all was quiet and I was far, far away – _back to the velvet underground_ – floating and hovering in that deep blackness of sleep … only this time I felt more than just the bubble. I felt _Derek_, for he was a tether that grounded me from above. _I felt at ease and __I had no fear, only love pumping through my heart and soul and everything in between._

No matter how hard the coming weeks might be, no matter what dreams fused with my reality, I knew one thing was for certain … I was going for it. The dream would be ours again and it would be perfected in the here and now and forevermore.

**Chapter 23 to follow.**

###

_Author's Note: "The Giving Tree", by Shel Silverstein is an amazing book about the selfless giving of a tree in her friendship with a little boy. As the boy matures throughout the story, the tree gives more and more pieces of herself away ... no matter what the boy needs, she gives it to him. Near the end of the story, the man is old and weathered and the tree tells him she wishes that she could give the man something, "but I have nothing left." That part always makes me choke up (I can barely read it sometimes, lol) and it kind of made me think of Meredith at some point._

_For this story, I knew this would be something I would change for her - her rela with Thatcher. Meredith kind of reminds me of the tree because she is surrounded by "takers" a lot of the time and she does give freely, not so much with her vulnerable love, but her heart is big and her capacity to forgive is remarkable and those are giving qualities._

_Anyway, if you haven't read this book, do yourself a favor and read it. My children love it now too and it was a pleasure to work this into the story._


	54. Chapter 23, Clarity, Part 1 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: T****HANKS FOR THE AWESOME COMMENTS (Can I say how happy I am you are reading this story and giving it a chance?) … hopefully all who have submitted reviews have been getting my PM replies! **

**This song, "Clarity" by John Mayer is just simple and whimsical and I love it. It was perfect for Meredith (and Derek) at this point in the story.**

**Chapter 23 – Clarity**

Lyrics for John Mayer's, "Clarity":

I worry, I weigh three times my body  
I worry, I throw my fear around  
But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain  
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain

Ooh ooh ooh ooh

By the time I recognize this moment  
This moment will be gone  
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on  
Well all I got's

Ooh ooh ooh ooh

And I will wait to find  
If this will last forever  
And I will wait to find  
If this will last forever  
And I will pay no mind  
That it won't and it won't because it can't  
Because it just can't  
It just can't  
It's not supposed to

Was there a second of time that I looked around?  
Did I sail through or drop my anchor down  
Was anything enough to kiss the ground?  
And say I'm here now and she's here now

Ooh ooh ooh ooh  
Ooh ooh ooh ooh

So much wasted in the afternoon  
So much sacred in the month of June  
How 'bout you

And I will wait to find  
If this will last forever  
And I will pay no mind  
When it won't and it won't  
Because it won't  
And I will waste no time  
Worried 'bout no rainy weather  
And I will waste no time  
Remaining in our lives together

###

**Chapter 23 – Clarity – Part 1 of 2**

I let the hot water cascade down my body and took a deep breath of the warm, humid air. I held it in my lungs and let it go. I lathered up my hands and moved them along my taut and angry muscles, trying once again to wash my aches away … allowing them to circle the drain. I felt the bubbles move over my nipples, down my belly into my vee, then only to travel down my legs and into my toes before disappearing into the basin of the shower all together. I tilted my head back and let the hot water clear away the fogginess in my mind. _That's it … shed your skin, I chanted silently. _

Today I definitely felt better and I knew it wouldn't last forever, _I knew I would be tired_, likely after lunchtime, maybe a bit later if I pushed myself. Each day had been remarkably better since the first hellish moment of getting out of bed. And now, _only four days later_, I was finally taking a shower on my own, without Derek or Cristina or Izzie standing right outside and I gotta say it's pretty damn liberating!

_And today is just that – it's a day of new beginnings, second chances and fresh starts – today is the day of liberation, discharge and release! Yeah! Go forth and live and prosper and all that shit, screamed my destiny from an unknown place._

Today is the day I will leave Grace as a patient and come back as a surgeon in due time. Of course I would have some physical therapy ahead of me, strength training to build up stamina for long, tense hours in the OR – _oh, I can hardly wait, just thinking about makes me want to orgasm (seriously)_ – but other than that, I just wanted to get back to it all, life and cutting and working and saving … saving other people besides myself!

_It'll be nice for a change and today was the day, the first day of the second chance._

I turned the shower off and pulled a fresh towel down. I leaned down and patted my body with it. I took another towel and tied my hair up. I stepped from the warm stall onto the towel on the floor and turned to face the vanity mirror. I could barely see myself through the haze – _shrouded by the uncertainty of the future_ – what would this new life hold for me?

Would I be strong enough to create the dream-reality for Derek … _for us?_

Would I be able to heal this thing with my father?

Would I be strong enough to hear his side of things?

Would I be able to cut? _To save?_ To provide second chances to others?

_I wiped the mirror off with a towel and with renewed clarity, I surveyed myself again. I looked good, I was thin, but healthy. I gently ran my fingertips over the soft darkened skin under my eyes; a few more good nights of sleep could clear that right up. Yeah, I looked good. I looked okay. _

I put a dollop of toothpaste on my brush and started to clean my mouth. This had to be the best part of getting out of bed. _Seriously!_ Brushing my own fucking teeth, taking my own shower, all of these mundane tasks, it felt so good to be able to care for myself.

_Thank God, I'm still independent._ _I'll never get over how blessed I am, that this worked out, that I am fine, that I am still me. _

I sighed, my heart raced as a small vision of Derek rushed in and out of my head. It was still true; there were no words to describe how much I cherished this man. Tears pricked my eyes as my mind rested on him. _I held him there – training my vision on him – allowing myself to bask in his love for a split-second before I released him into my wild recesses again._ I had to keep reminding myself that Derek was still guilt-ridden, healing – _slowly, slowly_ – he was becoming himself again … every moment I became better or more whole; he healed another fraction of an inch too.

_I could only presume that one day, we would cross the finish line together and it would be … magical. _

I rinsed my toothbrush off and enclosed it in the carry case Izzie brought over for me. I reached into the shower and grabbed my shampoo and conditioner as well and began to pack those items away. I took Derek's toothbrush and packed it away in my case.

_A small smile formed on my lips and my core rumbled at the thought of him staying with me at my house – I would say it was all like a dream –but that would be cliché at this point, especially for me. _

I sighed and let the towels fall to the floor. My skin pricked from the cold air and I swiftly grabbed my bra and panties and put them on. The last few days here had been interesting to say the least; I had ample time on my hands to catch up with my friends. It was fascinating to hear all that had happened while I was "gone". I still haven't caught up with Cristina on what really went down with Burke, but there was time for that, she seemed happy and that's all I cared for. Derek said something about Cristina coming to him and that they worked it all out. So I assumed Cristina would talk to me about everything in due time … and there it was again, that precious word: _time._ And really how could I ask for more than that?

_I can't. Because all this – everything I make of this life from this moment on – is pure gravy, it's the true second chance. _

My mind rolled around the idea of second chances again, people were given second chances all the time – _call it human nature_ – especially for those we love. My father popped into my head, but I let him go. I hadn't the desire to focus on him just yet. Izzie gave Alex another chance and he has apparently moved into my house with her, a fact that I secretly love. They are together and beautifully affectionate with each other – _mostly at the cost of making Cristina want to vomit_ – but it's nice nonetheless. Their energy is healthy, strong and I feel satisfied somehow that Alex found some happiness. _Not that I had anything to do with it,_ but it's just that Alex is a dark horse, much like I am and it makes me happy to know he's okay.

_It also proves that it's possible for someone like me – who grew up the way I did – to be happy in the here and now._

I gingerly leaned down and slipped on the pair of jeans Izzie had packed for me. My favorite jeans – _the perfect fit was lost on my shapeless form now_ – something I expected, but didn't really care about. I had time to gain weight and work out and become physically healthy again. As long as I had my faculties, there was nothing to stop me.

I glanced at the small clock on the wall; I had about fifteen minutes until Derek was going to take me down to the cafeteria for lunch with my friends. And then we would go home. _Home._ I can't even begin to describe how excited I am to get home. If for only to shower in my own shower and to sleep in my own bed … I mean those two reasons alone have me over the moon, add Derek into the mix and well … _it sounded like a dream come true. _With that in mind, I ran a brush through my hair, added it to my carry case and exited the bathroom.

I half expected to see Derek sitting on one of the chairs in my room, or shall I say _our_ room … but instead I found George waiting for me. He was wearing scrubs and his lab coat; he looked up from a medical journal and smiled. George was like coming home in a way, he had this old, trusted friend look about him. He had matured in my absence – _he was more focused, more serious_ – and more confident. He looked older too, not so wide-eyed. I couldn't put my finger on it exactly, but he didn't look at me the same way he did before. I'm sure it would come to me eventually, but for lack of a better term – _he looked at me without hidden longing_ – it seemed his crush on me had faded away.

"Hey, you look good," he said cheerfully, his soft brown eyes scanned mine.

"Thanks, are you taking me down?" I asked with a smile.

"Yeah, Shepherd will meet us down there in a little bit, it's just you and me kid, so hop in," he said with a smarmy grin; he raised his thumb to the wheelchair.

"Are you serious?" I said, looking down at the wheelchair. I dropped the carry case and my pajamas onto Derek's cot. "I'm outta here today, I am not riding down to the caff', I'm walking … _slowly_," I said, moving by him towards the door.

"How about I roll you out of here and then we ditch it later, I have somewhere I wanna take you before we go downstairs," he said evenly, a small spark of amusement played along his eyes.

"Do you really? Where are we going?" I asked, before grabbing my cell phone. George moved the chair to the doorway and we crossed over the threshold and into the hallway. I sat down in the chair, the door creaked shut and we were on our way. "Well then, lets go," I said, peeking up at George.

_Momentum was on our side._

###

The elevator chimed as we arrived at the sixth floor. George pushed the wheelchair over the threshold; I peeked up and back at him. A small smile was etched on his face.

"We haven't done this in a long time," I said casually.

"No, we haven't," he agreed as we rounded the corner and made our way to the nursery.

We rolled up, George pulled back a little bit and I stood up. The nursery was at capacity. George stood behind me now, I heard him sigh. I turned to him and he looked at me.

"It's good to have you back Meredith," he said, his brown eyes misting over ever so slightly, so subtle, for if I didn't know him, I would have missed it.

I reached down and held his hand in mine; I kept my eyes trained on the babies. "It's good to be back George," I said quietly, my own tears threatening to fall.

"Look at that little guy in the far corner over there," he said, pointing. "He must be brand new, he's still in deep sleep," he added.

"Yeah, he looks warm and happy, look how new they are, _and I know I say that every time we've been here_, but it's so true they have their whole lives ahead of them," my heart pinched in my chest, the babies were beautiful. They grounded me in a way I never thought possible, especially at this juncture in my life. "Thanks for bringing me up here George, it's exactly what I needed," I said sincerely, focusing my attention on a small baby girl off to the left, one row back.

_I got lost in her aura for a moment … her tiny body was swathed in pink warm blankets and her small delicate face was the only part of her I could see, but I could tell she was a fighter – she looked like she had already been through something heroic – she was strong. Her eyes open, alert, ready to take on the world. I smiled. She was adorable._

"So, do you think you're ready to go home?" George asked, breaking through my silent reverie.

"Hmm, as I'll ever be," I said reflectively. "I'm glad I won't be alone though," I added.

"Me too," he agreed. "He … he loves you very much, you know that don't you?" he added and I turned to him.

"Yes, I do," I said. "Do you trust him with me now?" I asked, curious for his thoughts.

"Now I do, yes," he answered; his eyes scanned mine. "There was a time I didn't, but your accident changed all that … for all of us, I think. He's one of us now, in a strange way," he replied softly, turning his gaze back to the babies.

_We stood together for another minute or so. George's hand found mine. I let myself get lost in that baby girl once again and I found myself saying a small prayer for her … I hoped she would live a strong life and be surrounded by a family who would love and cherish her. Tears pricked my eyes and let them escape and run down my face. Scared to move all of a sudden, I focused on her but she became blurred around the edges. I released my hand from George's and ran my fingertips under my tired eyes, pushing those tears away for good. _

"_Is that you Blondie?"_ I heard a raspy voice come from behind me. I turned around and was stunned. I smiled.

"Mr. Levangie!" I exclaimed, taking a step closer to him. He reached for me and pulled me into a tight hug. He smelled of aftershave and soap. He pulled back and scanned my face with his experienced eyes, they were bright, cheerful, full of life and perhaps most important … they were steady.

"I knew that was you, I never forget a pretty face," he flirted casually, pulling down the collar of his parka jacket. George looked at him quizzically.

"Hi, the name's Levangie," he said, sticking an unwavering hand out to George. George smiled and shook his hand.

"George O'Malley," George answered.

"Come here, Dr. Grey, I want to introduce to someone," he said, taking my elbow in his thorny fingers. We walked up to the glass and he pointed in the direction of my _fighter-baby_. "That's my granddaughter there, she was born a little early, but she's fine … she doesn't have a name yet, but she's here and she's amazing … isn't she just something?" he said, somewhat mystified.

"She is, she's amazing," I agreed, the lifecycle continues, I mused.

"So how are you?" he asked, wide-eyed and completely interested. "Are you here in some unofficial capacity?" he added, taking note of my clothing no doubt.

"Oh, no, I … I had an accident myself and I'm just being released today actually. We just came up to look at the babies before lunch," I offered as he scrutinized me more closely, perhaps curious about my injuries. "It's our thing –"

"What's your thing?" he asked.

"Oh, babies, they can ground you like nothing else," I replied with a small smile.

"Well being a parent does that, it makes you selfless, it makes you overcome your fears," he said softly, suddenly more thoughtful. "I was scared out of my gourd that day when we got here, but you reminded me of what being a father is about," he said reflectively. I stood still, afraid to move.

_I sucked in a deep breath of air and all of a sudden I felt a little bit like a fraud, I mean at the time I was sure Mr. Levangie was a candidate for this surgery and thank God it was a success, but what did I really know about fathers and daughters? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Thankful that it all turned out okay, I tried to erase the horrified expression from my face and just smile. I looked at Mr. Levangie and he smiled at me from ear to ear – he was happy in his second chance – and I felt certain he would have been miserable had someone else walked his daughter down the aisle at her wedding._

George's pager shrieked, jarring me from my thoughts. I turned to face him. "Looks like I have to go Meredith, I better get you downstairs," he said, clipping his pager to his waistband.

"How about I take you Blondie, would that be okay?" Mr. Levangie asked.

"Are you okay with that Meredith?" George asked.

"Yeah, sure," I agreed, already thinking about ditching the wheelchair. I smiled.

"Okay, then I'll see you later, sometime at home, okay?" George confirmed and then he turned to go. We watched him retreat down the hallway and round the corner to the elevators.

I felt Mr. Levangie nudge my side. "So, what happened to Dr. Shepherd?" he asked innocently, but I saw the smirk on his face. We turned back to the nursery.

"George is my roommate," I said with a smile of my own.

"And Dr. Shepherd?" he asked hopefully, I felt his eyes on me.

"It's complicated but …,"

"Complicated how?" he asked.

"Oh, if I told you everything, you would check me into the Psych Department for evaluation," I laughed.

"Try me," he encouraged, unwilling to budge.

"Okay, well, he betrayed me in the worst way," I felt my stomach churn with discomfort, it felt like years since I thought about Derek's indiscretions. Mr. Levangie sighed, his sorrow evident. "Then I loved him anyway, I just couldn't stop myself, I just didn't know how to … stop," I said softly, the image of my _fighter-baby_ blurred around the edges as thick tears filled my eyes. "And then I had an accident at work and he saved me – _he saw me through _– he changed while I was healing, changed his life to be with me and now … now he's … he's …," I sighed and smiled.

"What? Don't stop there and now he's what?" he asked; his intrigue evident.

"He's the love of my life," I answered softly.

"Now that's what I wanted to hear," he replied with a smile. "So things are good?" he asked.

"He's good, better," I said. "Yes, things are good," I agreed, I wiped my eyes and turned to face him.

"Well, how could they not be?" he asked, his eyes bright and shiny, they danced with excitement against the dim fluorescent light.

"How do you mean?" I asked, this time with intrigue of my own.

"Well, it's just that you and Dr. Shepherd, you're in the business of giving second chances, don't you see that? Look at me, standing here, chatting with you – _I can hold my new grandbaby Dr. Grey_ – when I met you, I had no hope for all of this," he confided, leaning into my forearm. "You saved me from myself," he whispered into my ear. "And I'll never forget that," he added.

_I turned into him and gave him a hug. I felt him tremble in my arms for a split-second before we pulled back. _

"I better get you to your friends," he suggested.

"Okay, you're sure though, you don't have to be with your daughter?" I asked.

"No, I'm right where I need to be, you lead and I'll follow," he replied, holding his elbow out for me.

_I turned and found the wheelchair there, but decided to ignore it. I smiled and slipped my arm into Mr. Levangie's and allowed him to walk me down the aisle instead. _

**Chapter 23 – Clarity ****–**** Part 2 of 2 to follow.**


	55. Chapter 23, Clarity, Part 2 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks to all who are reading this story, as usual, I would love to hear your thoughts, please leave a note for me! Thanks!  
**

**Chapter 23 – Clarity – Part 2 of 2 **

_We rounded the corner onto my street and everything looked different – but strangely the same – what a curious idea. Lunch with everyone was fantastic, it was almost like old times, well except George wasn't there and Derek was … and so was Mr. Levangie._

_I can't really describe how it felt seeing him again, except that he restored my faith in medicine and relationships without even trying. And if I closed my eyes I could still see the look of shock on Derek's face when I walked into the cafeteria with my arm looped through Mr. Levangie's. It was almost like Christmas or something; he was overjoyed to see us both. _

We pulled up to the front of my house. Derek cut the ignition off and I turned to face him. He looked happy, but tired. The dark circles under his eyes had dissipated each day since I had been pulled from the coma. Each day he looked more like the Derek I knew, my Derek (not Addison's) – _my Derek_ – the man I fell in love with. I smiled and sighed.

"Are you ever gonna tell me what Mr. Levangie said to you before we left?" I asked as spark of amusement washed over Derek's whole face.

"Maybe, one day," he said, pressing his lips together.

I pressed the button, released my seatbelt and opened the car door. "Well, in that case, I won't tell you what he said to me after his surgery all those months ago," I teased.

"Well, then we each have a _Levangie-secret_ don't we?" Derek teased. "Do you need any help?" he asked from his seat.

"Nope, I'm fine, perfect," I said as I got out slowly.

Derek's head popped out from the other side and he smiled ear to ear as I closed my door. I took a deep breath of the fresh dewy air and let it fill my lungs. I pushed it out as I made my way to the porch steps. I peaked up and looked at my mother's house. A quick vision of her alone at the nursing home raced in and out of my head. Derek said she was fine, that she rested comfortably with no change in her condition and the Chief had been by to see her daily while I was gone. I still wondered if she missed me at all.

_A shiver ran down my spine as I let her go … for now._

Derek moved to stand with me now – _his fingertips grazing mine_ – ever so slightly, just to let me know he was there. I put my hand on the railing and started the short ascent. Surprisingly I made it up the steps with little or no effort, sure my muscles reacted to the unkind stimuli, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. I took the last step up and heard Derek sigh.

I turned to him. "Are you okay?" I asked, taking his warm hand in mine.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" he quipped. I smiled and titled my head and waited; _he wasn't going to get off that easily._ "It's just been a long time since I've been here – _welcome here_ – I'm here with you and it's like a dream already," he said softly. I leaned into him; he placed his arm around my shoulder. I looked up and pecked the underside of his neck with my cold lips.

"I think we're both doing just fine," I replied into his skin, before pulling his hand slightly and stepping towards the door.

_We rounded the corner and I stopped in my tracks. My breath hitched in my throat as I stared at my swing – still stuck in time, still stymied, still broken – I released my hand from Derek's and approached my 'dream-relic'._

"Meredith, what is it?" Derek asked as he followed me.

_I reached the swing and tried to push it with my hands and it wouldn't budge, just like I knew it would – except for a small part of me wished that it moved just now – instead it was a cruel reminder that my dreams had been exactly that … just dreams._

_I ran my hand along the casing, feeling for the shiny pin, but found nothing. I sighed, I had to have faith; all in due time … when the time was right, the swing and all the momentum it symbolized would be realized in the here and now, it was the best I could hope for. Derek placed his soothing hands on my shoulders; I straightened my back and leaned into him._

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, his hot breath breezed across my ear.

"Not yet," I whispered.

"Lets get you inside then, okay?" he asked, keeping his hand on my shoulder, he shifted and we crossed the porch to the door.

_With one click of the lock – we made it, crossing over the threshold – moving in time to the here and now, to a safe place where we would heal each other over and over again for the next few weeks._

I took another deep breath in and smiled, _I was home._ I closed my eyes and let it sink in just once more before I popped my eyes open and took stock of the familiar surroundings. Nothing had changed since I had been gone and in this exact moment, I smiled … because that's what coming home was meant to be. Coming home was meant to be familiar, safe, stationary – _not much is supposed to change and for a split-second I marveled at how well we all managed to create one here in this once barren home, devoid of human emotion_ – I felt relief wash over me as I let the energy of the space consume me. I was home; I was focused and grounded once again.

_Derek draped his arm around my shoulders and I turned to face him. He closed the small distance between us and enveloped me in his arms. He felt warm and strong and safe and secure and everything I wanted to feel in this moment, I drew from his energy and tried to suffuse it to my core … tagging it there, another post-it note for the future, I never wanted to forget this moment in time. _

"Welcome home Meredith," he said softly.

_I looked up and into his deep blue eyes, they were misty with unearthed emotion – I watched as he held it down – as he tried to beat it, he sniffled and sighed his feelings away._

"Welcome home Derek," I said. I leaned in and kissed him with every bit of passion I had in me, but not before I caught the surprise in his eyes.

_I was lost immediately and my legs felt like rubber bands at the first touch of our lips. Derek moaned into my mouth and I felt the vibration rock my core and beyond. I held onto him for dear life as he kissed me over and over and over again in the entryway. We hadn't moved an inch, but it felt like we could move mountains with the force of our power for each other. I pulled away first and smiled. Derek ducked his head down and kissed me once more for good measure._

"I missed kissing you like that," Derek whispered for my ears only even though we were alone.

_He held my face in his hands and brought his lips down on mine again. My bone marrow melted and every bit of tension I had just evaporated. I kissed him right back and wished we could have stayed in this moment forever. I pulled back and smiled; Derek shook his head and cracked a smile of his own._

"I need to get our things from the car; do you want a cup of tea before I get to work?" he asked, kissing my forehead. "Izzie said she baked, anything you want, do you want anything?" he rambled on. I smiled and watched him; he was truly lost.

"No, I'm fine. I want to tackle those steps, I want a shower and I want to be in my own bed," I said looking up at the large flight of steps in front of us.

"I can help you; remember what we agreed on –"

"One trip up and down for the first few days, I got it, I got it," I sighed, placing my hand on the railing. I turned back to him – _he looked utterly helpless and he was_ – let's face it, he was no match for me. I smiled. "You can always carry me down later for dinner," I laughed, placing my foot on the first step.

Derek just shook his head. "Oh really?" he chuckled.

"That's the way I see it, yes," I said, taking a couple more steps. "You aren't going to watch me, are you?" I asked without turning around. I took another couple of steps. _My muscles screamed._

"No, right. I'm going. Out to the car, I'll be back," he said, but I could tell he stood there for a beat longer. I was almost at the midpoint of the staircase now and would be at the top in no time. I smiled and heard the front door click shut.

###

_Sometime later, it could have been hours, maybe even minutes … my subconscious pulled me from a deep sleep. A subtle noise, perhaps the slow creak of the floorboards, broke through the invisible sound barrier of sleep. It was darker now, I could tell, for my eyelids barely reacted to the more dim light that surrounded me. My body ached, I was spent, my nerve-endings shattered. I barely wanted to open my eyes – I was scared all of a sudden that coming home had been another glorious dream – so I snapped my eyes open to meet my fate._

Thankfully I was met with the cool tones of my room. I turned my head, it was just after 9 PM. I fell asleep after having some soup Derek brought up for me a little over two hours ago. I turned my head and looked at the ceiling above me. Long nighttime shadows moved along the walls and I watched with interest as they bounced around whenever the tree moved outside my window. My door was open about two inches; the hallway light was on, a bright triangle of light streaked across my room offering clarity, illuminating the chair by the window. I smiled, I hadn't noticed before, but someone (_probably Izzie_) had set a large floral arrangement there in the windowsill. She had also cleaned my room, dusted no doubt, put out fresh towels … practically done everything a mother would have.

_I sighed; I had missed my room, my place, my solace from the living hell I had created for myself before my accident._

_The last time I lay in this bed, Cristina had to yank me out of it! _

_The last time I lay in this bed, I needed a reason to live … just one would have sufficed. _

_And now, I would be hard-pressed to choose only one!_

I smiled and gently pushed myself up against the I closed my eyes and focused I could hear Derek's voice, down the hallway perhaps or downstairs. I sat up and swung my feet over the side of the bed. The cold air pricked my skin through my yoga pants and long sleeve tee. I put my bare feet flat on the cool wood floor and stood. Despite feeling like I might be dizzy, I wasn't. I crossed the room and peeked out into the hallway. I heard Derek shuffling around and then I heard his voice; it was coming from the unused bedroom at the other end of the house. I was startled when he came out into the hallway … he didn't see me. He was engaged in unpacking, his cell phone pressed against his ear with his shoulder. He had taken his jacket and sweater off and had on a long sleeve Henley, jeans and socks.

_He looked like he was at home and my heart melted a little bit at that thought. _

"I just think we need to wait until she's ready," he said into the phone. He bent over to reach for something from a box on the floor. "I know you'll wait, I just can't say that enough, she's the only person who matters to me in all this," he sighed, standing up with his arms full of clothing. "I know you care and I will pass that message on to her," he paused a beat, listening to the caller. "Okay then, I'll be in touch," he stopped. "Give Susan my regards," he added, before snapping the phone shut with his free hand. He entered the bedroom and I stood frozen in my same spot.

_I could only assume Derek was speaking with my father. I felt shaky and ick, I knew I would have to see my father and soon – and I would – I just needed some more time. I needed to be myself; I needed to be one hundred percent before I came face to face with him._

Derek stepped into the hallway again, glancing in my direction – _he stopped when he saw me_ – he smiled so genuinely he took my breath away.

"Hi," he said as he approached. The floor creaked. He stopped in front of me. "How are you?" he asked, pushing a small piece of my hair behind my ear. I reached up and took hold of his wrist with my hand. I moved it down to my hipbone. He stepped closer still.

"Better now," I said, before I kissed him _once, twice_, my heart pounded in my chest – _I just couldn't help myself_ – the proximity did me in. I pulled away slightly. _I smiled at my own weakness for this man._

"Did you rest well, any pain?" he asked.

"Nope, just tired, sore, nothing unusual," I said thoughtfully. I peeked around him to the end of the hallway. "So, what's all that?" I asked casually, although my heart was in shambles.

"Well, we just thought it would be better if I was on the same floor as you at night – _you don't mind do you_ – I could move," he offered and I cracked a small smile. "Go downstairs if you –"

Before he could say another word, I cut his explanation off with my lips. I kissed him then with all I had. I reached up and let my hands get lost in his luscious locks. Derek moved even closer to me, effectively pinning me between his body and the edge of my door frame. I pulled away and smiled. He leaned in and kissed me once more.

"I think we should talk," I said, flipping the hallway light off. I took his hand and led him into my room.

_I closed the door behind us and carefully walked across the darkened room to the nightstand and flipped on the switch, dull light infiltrated the space. I heard thunder rumble and went to the window, my back to Derek. I needed to get this out; I needed clarity. The alternating sound of the rain pelted against the window now. My heart went nuts. _

_I took a deep breath because there were things I needed to say to Derek and things he needed to say to me. I put it off when I was in the hospital – it wasn't the time or the place for a discussion like this – but the time was upon us now and it couldn't wait another night. _

_Derek walked up behind me. He put his chin on my shoulder and without hesitation I leaned into the safe-haven of his body. He wrapped his hands around my waist. I sighed and began to speak._

"I can't go back to the way things were before the accident," I whispered, my words stuck in my throat, tears flooded my eyes. "I thought I might be able to – _but I can't go back _– I've seen too much, I just can't go back," I added, speaking into the quiet all around us.

"To what? What do you mean?" Derek asked, fear evident in his voice.

_I turned my head and kissed his cheek. I inhaled a deep breath of him before I continued, for he was bound to think I was crazy … well, maybe, maybe not. Cut the cord Meredith, open yourself up, this is the second chance, I coached silently._

"I can't sleep on my own," I blurted out. I felt Derek take a deep breath. "I need you with me," I added, turning into him fully. I looked up and into his surprised eyes. He smiled weakly. "And this isn't some crazy version of myself –_ I am me, I am whole _– and you …," I felt the tears crowd my eyes again. "And you … you need me too," I added, before I kissed him gently on his lips.

"Meredith, how can you still, I know in your dreams you did, but – _you can't trust me_ – you trust me, how can you trust me?" he asked, obvious insecurity was etched into his handsome face.

"I trust you Derek, I trust you with my life and I know you regret what you did when we met," I sighed. "_I know you do_, _in here_," I said, placing my hand over his heart. "So, I want you to tell me, tell me everything you need to say, make your apologies. _Right now._ Trust yourself to move on from this … please," I pleaded gently as his tears fell with mine.

"Oh God, come here," he said and it came out a warbled cry, but I knew he would be able to say what he needed to say – _everything he ever wanted to say_ – in the here and now, not just in some moment whilst I was in a coma unable to utter a reply.

_He pulled me into him and we held onto each other tight, like nothing else mattered and we were the only two people on the face of the earth. I sighed and inhaled our air and just let myself be in the moment – cherish it, sear it into my bank – for I knew I would always want to remember the moment we turned the corner and began to heal each other. _

"I know you love me Derek, you changed your life to be with me – _but you need to say this stuff to me_ – we have to go back in order to move forward and I know …," I heaved into his chest. "I know you've been avoiding this during my recovery, but I need you to talk to me … because I can't sleep alone … I can't sleep without you … so talk," I ordered gently.

_I placed my ear over his heart and listened to his rapid rhythm. His hands found my skull and he laced his fingers through my wild tresses. I listened to his heart and the beat slowed down under my ear. He swayed gently, rocking us both and I yawned loudly into the open air. Derek pulled back and chuckled, his eyes still glistening against the dull light._

"Tired?" he asked, leading me over to my bed.

"Yes – _but we're doing this Derek_ – no more avoiding, so lay down with me," I insisted as I slipped in between the cool sheets.

Derek kept his eyes trained on mine as he walked around the bed to the other side … _his side_. I smiled. Staring at me, he unbuttoned his jeans and pushed them to the floor. He stepped out of them and slipped into the bed with me.

"Come closer," I said, pulling him to me. He lay his head down on my pillow, his deep soulful eyes moved all around mine – _he looked like he was scared to breathe or blink_ – he pressed his lips together. I leaned in and kissed him once, grazing his delicious lips with mine.

"Thank you for saving me," I whispered into the miniscule space between us. His eyes finally caught mine.

"You saved yourself … you came back when I called for you. I love you, there was no other choice for me," he whispered, inching closer. He trailed his fingertips along my forearm before he entwined his fingers through mine. "I'm just sorry it took almost losing you to man-up to my feelings for you, I could regret that forever," he said softly.

"But you didn't lose me. _I'm right here_, don't forget that," I said evenly, squeezing his hand. I inched even closer to him. I draped my leg over his hipbone.

"I'm sorry I doubted you – _my feelings for you_ – I foolishly thought they would pass, but being apart from you only intensified my desire to be with you – _I missed you, so much_ – so much that I ended up being the unfaithful one," he laughed bitterly. I put my hand on his face and he stopped. "I thought of little else while we were apart," he sighed, shaking his head.

"I missed you too, it was so hard," I said, tears pooled in my eyes. I closed them and the dam broke. Derek pulled me into his chest. "You were barely _you_ and that … that broke me because in the end I wasn't enough to save you," I cried. "I loved you so much, I couldn't stop myself, even when you left me," I rambled on … _pain seared my heart, branding that abandoned feeling to me once again._

"Oh shit, come here," he pleaded, dragging me into his chest. I turned my head, my ear over his heart, the muscle beating erratically now. "I'm so sorry, I have no excuse, I was a coward, foolish _– I thought how can this be real, my thing with you, this insane connection we had_ – I doubted it and I chose wrong, from the moment I made the decision …," he sighed, clearly teetering on the edge of oblivion.

"Derek, shh, Derek," I pleaded into his glassy eyes. His pain evident, he was lost now. My heart swelled with a dull ache … it burned like nothing else. I took a deep breath and took his face in my hands again.

"Oh, I knew she wasn't enough," he chuckled. "But I had fucked everything up and then you put your hand on that bomb and my heart stopped beating, a world without you in it – _just didn't seem possible_ – and I had to stop pretending that I didn't still love you," he confessed, his tears fell.

_I watched as he crumbled in front of my eyes. He looked down and away from me in shame; a long shadow darkened his face as he hid from me. He looked at me again, his eyes red and puffy, did his face became a shapeless blob – shrouded in fear and self-loathing – only then did I begin to cry. He was broken all over again! I was supposed to be the strong one now, for I had the experience of the dream, I was supposed to be helping him become whole, but instead I was in shambles once again, trembling from all the pain and solitude I had once agonized with once he made his decision to stay with Addison. When would this ever stop? God help me make this right!_

"No more tears Meredith, no more, please," he pleaded into my chest. "You'll always be enough and you always have been, please you have to try to believe me on this one thing … there's nothing I wouldn't do for you, you're my angel … my light – _everything was so dark while you were gone_ – you'll always be enough, I know that now," he rambled on.

"I believe you, you've given me more than you know Derek … _you have, you just don't know it yet …,_" I replied. He reached over and swept his fingers under my eyes, wiping away those fallen tears. "I've already fallen in love with you twice; you have to trust that I will again," I whispered.

"I've loved you … forever, you remember that, don't you?" he asked, absentmindedly tracing my lips with his fingertips.

"I do," I said with a small smile under his touch.

"How do I make this right? How do I move on … with you, trust myself with you?" he asked, his voice laden with emotion still.

"Over time, we'll do it together – _this is hard for me because I want you like everything happened in my mind_ – this dream I had …," I paused, Derek looked at me expectantly. "This dream was a vision of our potential, Derek," I sighed, stifling my swelling heart. "And it was beautiful, you have to believe me," I added.

"I want it to come true for you again," he said, closing the small distance, before planting his lips over mine. I reached up and held his skull in my hands and kissed him senseless.

"_For us, Derek, for us,"_ I replied into his mouth, my eyes bore into his, before he kissed me once again.

_His arms wrapped instinctually around me now, I moved on top of him. My bones were achy and tired, but I had no care for that now. I rested my hands in his unruly hair and pressed my lips to his, I silently pleaded for entry, Derek moaned into my mouth and I brushed my tongue against his. I felt a zing pierce my core igniting the fire within. Derek's fingertips danced along my ribcage and I moved my body like a fishtail against his sensitive touch. I felt his cock stir through his boxers and I moaned at what I did to him. _

Derek gently rolled on top of me, pinning me under him, holding me there. "I missed you," he said into my mouth. "So much," he said before kissing me again. I raised my feet and clasped them around his lower back. I pressed myself into him, _push, push_, I wanted to feel our bond.

_Before I knew it, I was lost a warm sea of our arms and legs. Our bubble came down and sheathed us, even though we were alone and it made this moment in time, somehow more real, more indelible, more unforgettable – for we were in the here and now, in my bed together and it felt like no time had passed by – it felt like no time but the present. Suddenly, I was exactly where I wanted to be, lost in Derek's warm embrace … for now and always. _

"I love you, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you," I said, slipping my tongue into his depths once more, lapping my mine against his over and over again, tugging at his soul, unlocking it and reeling it in to me.

Derek pulled away slightly; a mischievous smile adorned his beautiful face. He leaned down and captured my lips once more with his before he spoke. "How about you start with telling me your _Levangie-secret_ then?" he challenged playfully.

"I'll tell you mine, if you tell me yours," I said as he rolled off of me, before pulling me to him, craving our proximity just like me.

"Hmm, okay," he acquiesced. "Just don't get spooked," he warned, before kissing me once more, darting his tongue along my teeth before pulling back.

"I'll try," I said softly, kissing his neck, I put my hand over his heart ... _boom, boom, boom_.

Derek pushed his finger under my chin and brought my head up … _boom, boom, boom_. He held my skull in his hands and kissed me once more.

"He said, _'marry her Shepherd, or I will'_," Derek whispered, never moving his eyes from mine.

_I closed my eyes and for a split-second all I could __hear__ was the rain pelt against the roof and the window and Derek's shallow breathing … all I could __feel__ was his heart under my hand – boom, boom, boom – and my own heart as it trembled deep within my chest. _

"And yours?" Derek choked out. I opened my eyes and found his loving gaze. I smiled, unwilling to move my hand from his chest.

"He said, _'marry him Blondie, or I will'_," I said, keeping my eyes trained on his, never moving, never blinking.

_Derek leaned in and kissed me, I wrapped my arms around his neck and he pulled me into him. No words needed to be spoken, for we each received the same message – once today and once only weeks after we met – but the timing didn't matter, for we got the messages and delivered them to each other, in the here and now and it was beautiful. _

"I love you Derek, right here, right now," I said, finding my breath again.

"I love you Meredith … forevermore," Derek whispered and I believed him.

_I sighed and looked at my lover, my angel, my everything. I closed my eyes on his face, only to open them once more to find him watching over me. It was true, there was nothing I wouldn't do for Derek Shepherd, for my love for him could move mountains, I was convinced. I smiled and my face blushed on my secret admission. I pressed my hand to his heart again; the beat lulled me like nothing else. Derek leaned in, closing the small distance between us before he spoke in my ear._

"Do you want me to whisper you to sleep?" he asked softly, reaching over me to switch the light off.

"No, I don't," I said pulling back with a smile. "That was for me in my dreams … _it was our connector, my link, the strength of our chain._ I'm with you now – _right here, right now_ – the need for that is over. You can say anything to me now and I'll hear you and answer you," I said, stifling a yawn … my eyes closing on their own accord now.

"Sleep tight Meredith, I love you so much," he said, his voice fading.

'_Until tomorrow, my love,' I silently answered. _

_And then my faithful vision of Derek's charming handsome face crowded my mind now as his heart beat on and on under my palm. Our minds became clear and new and fresh as we suffused ourselves to each other._

_I let my body relax into Derek's finally – after all the dreaming and all the healing – while the world became black and deep and serene and calm and full of peace in that lovely bubble of ours once again … forevermore. _

**Chapter 24 to follow.**


	56. Chapter 24, Storm

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: ****So, this chapter is another favorite of mine and I am pretty sure it's because of this song by Lifehouse called "Storm" ... it's amazingly perfect and if I think back, I probably listened to it a thousand times when I was writing this piece. The lyrics alone took me to another place and I hope it's the same way for you.**

**So … take a listen while you read, you won't regret it. I love the acoustic version, if you do a youtube search for "Lifehouse – Storm (Acoustic)" the top listing is a great recording. **

**Chapter 24 – Storm**

Lyrics for "Storm" by Lifehouse:

how long have I  
been in this storm  
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form  
water's getting harder to tread  
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you  
everything will be all right  
if I'd see you  
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water  
and you will catch me if I fall  
and I will get lost into your eyes  
and everything will be all right  
and everything will be all right

I know you didn't  
bring me out here to drown  
so why am I ten feet under and upside down  
barely surviving has become my purpose  
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you  
everything will be all right  
if I see you  
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water  
and you will catch me if I fall  
and I will get lost into your eyes  
and everything will be all right

and I will walk on water  
you will catch me if I fall  
and I will get lost into your eyes  
and everything will be all right  
I know everything is all right  
everything's all right

###

**Chapter 24 – Storm**

I opened my eyes. The air was cold, like someone left a window open in the middle of the winter. My bed was cold, uninviting. I was disoriented, something was amiss. A chill ran up and down my spine … relentlessly swirling around and around my tired and sore legs. _An unwanted tear escaped from my right eye and traveled down my face, prying its way into the crease on my neck._ I closed my eyes – _blinking hard_ – a knot formed in my stomach.

_I rolled over to find Derek._

_But I was alone. _

_Again._

_Lost at sea. _

_No buoy in sight. _

_Once again._

Was it all another phase of my dream? I could smell Derek, his scent filled the space, my nostrils – _I was cloaked in the aura of him _– but he was nowhere to be found.

_Was he a ghost once again like he had been when he left me for Addison? _

_My heart ached inside my chest._

_Would his aura taunt me yet again until I was stripped of myself?_

I closed my eyes. _He's here somewhere, I coached myself. He's here, I'll open my eyes and he'll be here watching over me again._ But I opened my eyes. I was still alone. My heart pounded inside my chest, so rapidly, so purposefully, it was the only thing I could hear. _It permeated me through and through._ I put my hand on my heart muscle to steady myself.

_I was alone. _

_Again._

_Lost at sea._

_Drowning once again. _

_No chance to tread the water now. _

_Waves of memories collided and crashed over me now, all hope was lost._

I sat up and pushed the covers from my cold body. The dim nighttime shadows danced along my walls. _Everything was as it was. Nothing had changed._ The wood floor was cold; I stood up anyway. The cold air hit me like a wall – _blunt force trauma on my skin, nerves, bones_ – there was no relief. The thin fabric of my t-shirt and yoga pants were no match, I may as well be naked … but I had no care for that. I walked to my bedroom door and put my hand on the frigid knob. I turned it and stepped into the drafty hallway.

_I wanted to find Derek; if I could just see him … everything would be all right. _

"Derek?" I called out.

_No answer. Black silence screamed all around me. My heartbeat stuttered. I was confused._

"Derek?" I tried again, louder this time, there was an alarm laced in my voice that surprised even me.

I walked down the hallway, the floorboards creaked under my weight – _familiar, rubbing in all the right places_ – but the sound did not offer comfort … it alarmed me instead. _A fleeting feeling of unknown insecurity raped me._ It took everything I had. I stepped up my pace, quickening my stride towards the steps.

_I got to the end of the hallway, just before the drop off of the steps and I halted, unsure of what to do next. I felt dizzy; I grasped the side of the railing on the landing, catching a glimpse of the foyer before I closed my eyes for a moment. I felt like the earth was moving under my feet. I held onto the rail with everything I had and focused – just wait for it to pass, I coached myself – I took a deep breath in, the air smelled salty, organic … fresh, like the bay after a storm. I felt a shimmy, a shift, my head was heavy. My legs felt like rubber bands … shapeless in form, tired, spent. Weak._

_I gripped the railing, my fingernails digging into the wood. I heard a rapid crack, crack, crack as my fingernails split under the force of my hold. My heart plummeted into the nothingness all around me now – my head spun, uncontrollably – I was suspended in midair again! I was dizzy._

_The empty space all around me was cold and unforgiving … it felt like icicles rubbing against my bare skin. I dare not open my eyes now, I felt like I was back on the ferryboat – the crash was imminent now – oh God, save me … save me from myself!_

_Except this time I had no one to jump with, no one to catch me if I should fall … I was alone! _

_Lost at sea again._

_No buoy!_

_No Derek!_

"DEREK!" I heard myself screech into the deafening quiet all around me – _the sound of my cry came out a desperate shrill, unlike anything I had ever heard before_ – like a wounded bird alone in the woods.

_If I called out and I was alone, would someone still hear me?_

_I held my eyes shut tight! I heard rustling and a commotion all around me now. Waves crashed, leaves falling, the sky opened up inside my mind. I heard two crackling reports and then alternating pounding, creaking, then more pounding! Who was running? Voices whispering – getting louder now – I gripped the railing still. Someone was crowded behind me! _

_I heard Derek's desperate call for me and only then did I open my eyes. _

"MEREDITH!" he called again, jarring me from my inner turmoil. I looked down and there he was – _the silhouette of him_ – encased in the blackness, a lone survivor. _He had fallen!_ It was so dark, I could barely see him, but I knew he was there!

"_ALEX BACK-OFF!"_ I heard Derek's scream travel up from the abyss that had swallowed him.

"I'M COMING DEREK, I'LL FIND YOU!" I screamed, ignoring that presence behind me.

_I clenched my hands around the railing; I leaned over the side to estimate how far the fall was. I could get to him! But I couldn't see him! I couldn't find him! I could jump first!_

"NO! MEREDITH!"I heard Derek's desperate scream again.

_And then without warning a bright light infiltrated the darkness all around me. My eyes sank back into my head to avoid it; I held them shut. I steadied myself once against the railing before I slowly opened my eyes and there he was … Derek. _

_The darkness turned to light and he was there – below, standing in the foyer – looking up at me. He locked his fierce gaze upon mine. He was real. He was there. He had simply switched on a light. There was no water! My mind clouded over with uncertainty now and even though my eyes were open – I could barely see – I was delusional and I didn't trust myself to move._

_I gripped the railing … the only tangible marker between my dream and my reality._

"MEREDITH!" he called up. "Stay there, hold on tight and don't let go!" he ordered, his voice echoed.

_I watched as Derek floated up and up and up, as if he was walking on water to get to me._

I kept my eyes trained on him. Tears flooded my gateways, but I kept my eyes trained on him still … unwilling to look away. He stepped up to the landing and I heard a gasp behind me. _Izzie, I thought, but I dare not look away from Derek._

_He stepped closer to me then. I felt his heat radiate out and warm me, soothe me, capture me and save me. He placed a hot, damp hand on my forearm and without hesitation I leaned into the solace of his body._

"C'mon Meredith, come away with me," he soothed. He stepped behind me and placed his hands on top of mine. "Let go of the railing, it's all right now, I have you," he whispered, his voice raspy.

_I lifted my hands from the railing and turned to the warmth of Derek's heat. I was whole again. I took a deep breath of him into my lungs and I pressed him down, unwilling to let him go. Ever. He turned me, I looked up and saw Alex, Izzie and George standing there in a bison alert formation … guarding, ready to pounce, ready to save … ready to rescue … me. _

"Thanks guys," Derek muttered as he steered me away from them.

_Derek led me back to my room. We stepped inside and he closed the door behind me. He was all around me again. The bubble – we were safe within the bubble – safe in the enclave of my room. I heaved and felt like I was going to throw up! My body shook and fever pricked my skin, I was unable and unwilling to move. Derek encircled me in his arms. _

"Shh, shh, you're okay now – _I have you, I have you_ – I'm here now, right now," he shushed. He kissed my temple; the touch of his lips warmed me from my head to my toes.

"Derek," I heard myself whimper into the quiet all around us. I put my ear over his heart and listened for that faithful beat. _Lull me, lull me please, I pleaded silently._

We moved towards the bed and I slipped into the cool sheets, Derek right behind me. "Sleep now Meredith. Rest … I have you, I have you, I'm here – _right here, right now_ – you were dreaming you were dreaming," his voice broken, heavy now. "I love you," he whispered.

_I closed my eyes to the darkness of the room and was enveloped by the heat and comfort of my love, my angel, my everything … for he was my buoy once again. I gripped his forearms and pressed myself back and deep into his body. I felt his lips sear my neck over and over again as he breathed me in. His hot tears soaked into my shirt – seep, seep, seep – but strangely, I found comfort in that. _

_The eye of the storm had passed – a sickening feeling gripped my whole being as I came to terms with what just happened – and then I knew what had to be done. _

_I had to let go._

_Let go of the dream for good. Because my beautiful dream was over – and it was time – time to live right here and right now. _

###

The next time I woke up, morning was upon us. _Us,_ I sighed as I turned my head and found Derek sleeping next to me, still sharing my pillow. His heavy arm was draped protectively over my abdomen. _His breathing regular, steady._ His handsome face was laden with deep lines of concern (_and most probably self-inflicted guilt_) – _even now, hours later_ – hours after my _dreamscape collision. _

_I closed my eyes at let my mind go where I dare not let it go … I wanted to focus on what would be my only episode of psychosis. And it could be – __no, it would be__ – because I would let it all go now, for I had no choice. I could not afford to live with the dream in my heart any longer. I had to live in the here and now for good. It would be the last step in my recovery … it had to be done._

I opened my eyes and turned to look at Derek again … I so badly wanted to reach over and press those intense creases away, soothe his soul, but I wouldn't. Derek needed sleep; he needed rest … he needed to recover. And I needed some time alone to think this thing out.

_Tears pricked my eyes and I turned my head away from my love so he wouldn't see me this way … even though he was sound asleep, it was too much for me to show him the mourning I held in my heart for the loss of the dream._

I listened for the early morning calls from the birds outside – _something to count on_ – something reliable to confirm I had made it through the night. I heard those faithful calls and relaxed into my mattress again pressing myself there … willing myself to let it be. I turned my head; I heard shuffling in the hallway as someone moved across the floor, then the familiar creak of the steps.

I shifted from the warm confines of the bed and slowly moved Derek's forearm from my belly. I placed his hand on the warm area I left behind. _I stood up and let the cold air attack me._ Fresh goose bumps covered my skin as I draped the blanket over him. I watched Derek breath easily for a beat before I carefully walked around the bed to the bathroom. I closed the door quietly behind me and sighed into the small room.

I turned the shower on to the hottest setting and stood in front of the vanity mirror. _I looked like me._ I pushed my wild hair behind my ears and scrutinized my red, puffy eyes. I looked down at my hands and noted my cracked fingernails. I opened the vanity, grabbed a clipper and did a rudimentary job – _clip, clip, clip_ – all visible signs of struggle were in the garbage now.

I looked into the mirror and watched as my reflection disappeared again – _the confident woman in love with a dream she had once_ – was quietly crumbling inside. _And I let her go; because I knew I had to find her again in the here and now._ The small room was misty with heavy, hot particles now and I shed my damp clothing, letting it fall to the ground.

I stepped into the spray of the scalding water, my cold feet making contact with the hot porcelain tub. My nerves melted on contact. I held my head back and let the pummel of the water knead my scalp … _let go of the dream, I chanted silently._ I moved my hands through my hair and just let the water cascade in sheets all over my body. My alabaster skin turned pink almost instantly – _blood vessels, moving, popping_ – life sprouted from my core. I poured some shampoo into my hands and worked it into my hair, massaging the worry from my mind now; I leaned back into the spray and let the hot water wash away the debris from the night.

I grabbed a loofah and saturated it with body wash – _the slight scent of the wash swirled into the air and stuck to my nostrils like honey_ – I began to lather my arms and legs. I watched as the bubbles evaporated on my skin and traveled down into the basin at my feet. The drain was covered in tiny bubbles, all waiting for their turn to escape. I raised my foot and placed it on the edge of the tub; I leaned over and scrubbed the top of my foot and my toes. I switched legs.

I heard the door creak above the sound of the water crashing all around me. The mist so thick I could barely see, my heart skipped a beat as I thought about Derek now.

"_Meredith? Do you –"_ came his voice from the other side of the curtain.

"Yes, I want you in here with me," I answered is unasked question as I scrubbed my belly with the loofah sponge.

_I turned around and let the hot water pelt my breasts and belly; I held the loofah in my hand and began to work it over my belly, pelvic bone and groin. I could still feel the heat radiate on my shoulders, back and ass from the intense temperature … suddenly the air felt cool against my skin there. I heard the curtain move slightly and felt Derek's energy behind me as he stepped into the shower … he warmed my skin again without even touching me. _

"Hi," he said, before kissing my neck and shoulder on my right side. "Let me do this for you," he whispered, reaching around, he took the loofah from me and began to massage slow circles into my back muscles. "Are you okay?" he asked quietly into my ear … so quiet that even though we were alone, I felt the intimacy of his question.

"I'm scared," I confessed softly.

"That's okay," he answered in the same hushed tone, his voice cracking ever so slightly. "Lets wash it away, okay?" he asked as he moved the loofah around to my belly – _back and forth, back and forth_ – he went, a slow and steady tempo.

"Please," I pleaded, backing up into his embrace.

_Derek craned his neck over my shoulder, dragging his lips along my neck up to my ear, French kissing me there before releasing my earlobe. I reached up and held his skull in my hands, the hot water pelted hard against my breasts. The loofah fell to the floor, landing with a wet thud near my foot. I pushed it away. Derek's hands were on my breasts in an instant, his feather-touch fingers brushed along my nipples igniting my core with one simple touch. _

"Talk to me, Meredith, it's safe, private here, let it go," he encouraged, kissing my neck, holding his firm hands against my ribcage on both sides. His cock brushed against my ass, I leaned further into him. "You can say anything to me … I would do anything for you," he added softly, my heart went nuts on his words.

_I released my hands from his head and brought them to meet his hands. I held his hands as the water pummeled my skin and I felt it all wash away, circle the drain. _

"We jumped together," I blurted out softly, my throat seared with heat. "From the ferryboat … there was some kind of accident, I was tossed overboard, but you caught me," I stifled a small sob lodged deep in my belly. "You held me as long as you could, I was dangling in midair, people were plummeting down around me – _it was cold, horrifying_ – but somehow you …," I paused; Derek draped his hands across my belly. "You saw me through again – _you were my light, my savior_ – and you … you jumped with me …," I sobbed and turned into him then, I looked up and took Derek's skull in my hands, I held him there. _"You loved me, you jumped with me, it was all or nothing, scary as hell and amazingly poetic and beautiful …,"_ I moved my hands down to his hips and pulled him to me. "We were tragic lovers, who were meant to survive together and then … and then … and then," I tried to get it out, but I could barely breathe!

_I leaned into Derek's chest for a beat, but that sob I pushed down traveled up and passed through my mouth like a guttural animalistic moan … a noise so tortured it scared us both. Hot tears flooded down my cheeks. _

"Okay, come here," Derek soothed, hugging me into him once again. His hands gently pressed on my lower back. _My muscles began to clamp down with stress and I was stiff, unwilling to bend or fold within his embrace._ "Relax, can you do that for me … Meredith, look at me, please," he pleaded, I found him through my thick tears. He kissed my lips – _gentle, slow_ – just to let me know he was still there. "And then what?" he asked, I locked my gaze with his. "It's okay, let it go," he coached.

I placed my hand on Derek's heart and rested my head against the crook of his shoulder. "And that was the end of the dream … we lost each other in the freezing water, but found each other again – _but I met my goal, I wanted to see you one last time and I did_ – we were floating and freezing, but we had each other and that was the last time I saw you … and the beautiful dream was over," I sobbed.

_Derek held me now; I looked up and felt the heavy weight of the dream and the agony of defeat … because I had to let it go. Of course, I knew I did. _

"Let it go now Meredith," Derek said, he caressed my lower back with his hands, dipping his grip down to my ass _– he pulled me into him –_ obliterating any space between us now. "Live with me here, _right now_, let it go," he pleaded and it struck me … his choice of words, so desperate were they in my dreams, _'don't let go' … and now I had no choice but to … let go completely_.

"I will, I love you," I said softly, reaching up, I pressed my mouth to his and pumped his lips over and over again, I tugged on his bottom lip, seeking entry, before I darted my tongue into his depths. I pulled back and kissed him again, Derek's hands moved to my shoulders and he swept his fingers along my breasts again, the pads of his thumbs moved in circles around my already engorged nubs. _I held onto Derek's hips and felt my body become pliant and give way._ Derek pulled away.

"Your dream was beautiful, but it's up to us now," he said kissing me fully, before pulling back again. "To save each other and perfect the dream in the here and now …," he said, before planting his lips on mine again.

_He moved his hand down to my abdomen, his fingers brushing along my mound, his cock stirring against my belly. I kissed Derek with all I had then – pressing him into me – silently giving my consent … lapping my tongue against his over and over and over again; my core was on fire, my need raw and untamed now. Derek pulled back with a small smile._

"Let it go, Meredith, release it for me," he said as he gently spread my folds with his fingers and pressed his thumb against my swollen clit, stealthily slipping a finger into my molten core. I shivered inside.

"Let it go," he whispered hotly into my ear as he added yet another finger before he began pumping my pussy in a slow, even rhythm. I raised my left leg and placed my foot on the edge of the tub. I held on tight and let it come for me; hot water cascaded down my back and I could feel little else except for the long lost connection with my lover.

"Let it go," he chanted one last time before he added pressure to my clit and I slipped into that sea of oblivion I cherished so very much.

_I grabbed Derek's lips with mine and kissed him senseless as he worked me into an orgasmic frenzy and I let it go … I let it all go as he pumped my wet core over and over and over again until my vaginal walls went nuts and clenched tightly around his fingers and my orgasm washed over me like a tidal wave. My sex wafted up, twirling around into the mist – it was all I could smell – what this man did to me … it encapsulated me, us._

_We stood together as the water became a few degrees cooler. Derek removed his fingers from my pussy and brought me flush up against him. We kissed over and over, never coming up for air as the dream circled the drain … around and around and around it went until it was gone … washed away beneath our feet. _

_And so it was then that the dream was finally cast out to sea. _

_And I let it go, with a small smile in my heart. I clung to Derek with all I had now – my lover, my buoy, my everything – as he held me now like no time had passed … like nothing had changed … except we both knew everything had, for we had arrived at the starting gate, the beginning of the dream … the dream that would become the rest of our lives. _

**Chapter 25 to follow.**


	57. Chapter 25, Secret Garden, Part 1 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: So, thanks to those who are still following this story and kind enough to comment, it means a lot. I am so happy to see some of you embracing the story within the story and the reality of Meredith's love for Derek and his love for her. **

**So … I love this song and as many wonderful hits that have come from Bruce Springsteen, this remains a favorite of mine, if you can find a recording, listen, it's a gorgeous song. **

**Chapter 25 – Secret Garden**

Lyrics for Bruce Springsteen's "Secret Garden":

She'll let you in her house  
If you come knockin' late at night  
She'll let you in her mouth  
If the words you say are right  
If you pay the price  
She'll let you deep inside  
But there's a secret garden she hides

She'll let you in her car  
To go drivin' round  
She'll let you into the parts of herself  
That'll bring you down  
She'll let you in her heart  
If you got a hammer and a vise  
But into her secret garden, don't think twice

You've gone a million miles  
How far'd you get  
To that place where you can't remember  
And you can't forget

She'll lead you down a path  
There'll be tenderness in the air  
She'll let you come just far enough  
So you know she's really there  
She'll look at you and smile  
And her eyes will say  
She's got a secret garden  
Where everything you want  
Where everything you need  
Will always stay  
A million miles away

###

**Chapter 25 – Secret Garden – Part 1 of 3**

_I sat on my broken swing waiting for Derek. The early morning air was damp, chilly, yet completely invigorating. I kept my hands clasped around my hot mug of tea. I watched as the steam swirled up and into the air. I took another small sip and let the hot liquid ease down my throat. Derek had gone out to "pick something up" and then we were headed out to get some fresh air and take a walk up on the trail. _

The last several days had been better; I could feel a marked improvement with my physical self and stamina. Mentally, I had also healed – _it had been the right time to let go of the dream_ – for both of us. Because in the end I had to give Derek the chance to make it work with me in the here and now. I realized that he had released some of his guilt since my _dream-collision_ … so maybe it was enough for him to know that one hundred percent of me had returned from the coma. Only time would tell, I suppose.

_I looked up into the sky, the day was overcast, as usual, but the sun was trying to win the battle with the clouds and if I closed my eyes I could feel the sun's heat press into my face and chest. I took another sip of my tea. I relaxed back into the swing; it creaked under my weight, still unwilling to move … and we needed movement now, Derek and I._

Derek loved me, this I knew of course, but he still harbored his own trust issues. In a strange culmination of everything that went down between Derek and I since he left me for Addison – _he still needed to know I trusted him_ – that I had let him back into my life fully and completely, he needed reassurance. After Addison and Mark's betrayal, he had a lot to overcome and I think almost losing me and then having to make tough decisions for my medical care _and_ see it through was a big lesson in trust for him … _to learn to trust himself again and open himself up to the idea of falling in love again_. It was this idea of putting himself out there … well it was huge for him.

_I sighed into the damp air, taking a deep breath, allowing it to fill my lungs before I released it again. I took a large sip of my tea, the cup almost empty now. Tears pricked my eyes as I thought about Derek's tender heart. He needed me to become whole, strong again … and I couldn't let him down. I had to let him in._

Not only had my accident blindsided Derek – _shattering his world and the potential for our second chance_ – but things were also compounded when some issues came up with Dr. Burke after his surgery. _And it wasn't until yesterday that I had fully come to realize the foundation upon which Cristina's relationship with Derek was formed. _

Apparently, Burke had some complications following his surgery that he elected to keep to himself on the premise that these "tremors" would eventually ease up, hoping the nerves would find a natural compensation for their weakness. Cristina had considered the idea of assisting Burke in the OR whilst he set his plan into action – _she considered driving that getaway car_ – but in the end, she went to Derek instead and divulged Burke's secret.

It turned out that Derek did indeed bring Burke back from the dead, at least in the eyes of the surgical community at large – _he had saved his arm_ – and illustrious Preston Burke was whole again. But Derek confided in me that he's having trouble seeing that surgeon who would continue to save lives when he looked at Burke … instead he sees the immense betrayal of _yet another man_ he considered to be a friend.

It was a sad situation for all involved, especially Cristina, who felt she needed to betray Burke's trust to heal him, to fully show him love and compassion … as Preston Burke the man, not just the surgeon.

_Trust, it was a bitch, but Cristina did what she needed to do and for some reason it solidified her commitment to Burke on a more intimate level. And for Derek, well – he was there for Cristina when I wasn't – which was epic for all of us in a way, especially Cristina …_ _it was quite possible that she found the next best thing to me when she confided in Derek that day. I sighed on that thought and a small smile formed in my heart._

I heard a car pull up to the driveway and I shifted in my seat and took the last sip of my tea. The swing jostled slightly with my movement. I heard the car door open and then without missing another beat Derek came up the steps to the porch and I caught the look of amusement in his eyes before I looked down and saw Doc.

"Doc!" I exclaimed as he barked rapidly, bounding up to me. He stood on his hind legs in front of me. I buried my hands around his ears and mussed up his fur. He smelled musty and familiar, my heart stilled. "I missed you too, buddy!" I exclaimed. Doc settled down a bit, he nudged his damp nose into my neck and I hugged him tight, fighting off the urge to cry. Derek sat down next to me; I turned into him and pressed my lips to his, soft and quick. "Thank you," I said before I kissed him again.

"Welcome," Derek whispered, his eyes shining. Doc settled down at my feet. "Are you still up for that walk?" he asked softly.

"I am," I said, scanning his eyes with mine. I smiled.

"Here, let me take this in and we can go," he offered, taking my mug. He stood up and Doc followed suit.

I stood up and Doc and I watched Derek disappear into the house. He nudged my knee with his nose. "He'll be right back, Doc," I replied.

_I turned my back to the door and ran my hand along the top part of the casing around the hinges on the swing … just one last time, but I found nothing. I sighed, feeling slightly defeated, but vowed to let it go, for I didn't need any more psychotic episodes and I truly believed in my heart of hearts that momentum was coming for me whether this swing moved or not. _

"_Do you want to talk about it?"_ came Derek's voice, jarring me from my thoughts. He placed his hands on my shoulders and pulled me into him.

"No, it doesn't move … it's hopelessly stuck," I said, trying to find my voice. I sighed heavily. "I'm letting it go," I added, turning into him. _I found his gaze and the concern is his eyes softened just a bit._ I kissed him fully on his mouth then and all was forgotten … for a split-second it was just the two of us again before we turned to leave for our walk with Doc.

###

_As we drove the short way over to Tiger Mountain Trail. The cool early morning fog had burned off and the dim rays of the sun still worked hard to get through that last layer of cloud cover that hovered in the sky … it was a never ending battle – between the sun and clouds here – and for some things in life … the ever-present stalemate was perfectly acceptable, perfectly natural. _

_We walked up the trail a bit; Doc scampered ahead, disappearing around the bend before returning to find us once again. He looked good, healthy and happy. Derek had to put him in a kennel last month. It was true he had gotten into a sparring match with some raccoons over his self-feeders … something Derek had indeed told me while I was gone. But in the end he just couldn't manage taking care of both of us. Derek felt terrible about the decision; I know he did. He still harbored some level of self-loathing knowing that he was the impetus, the cause for my need for Doc to begin with. And in his heart he still felt like Doc was my dog and his inability to care for him in my absence saddened Derek, breaking yet another small part of him._

_A cool breeze whipped up from behind us, moving us, pushing us into the future. I reached over and took Derek's warm hand in mine. He looked at me and smiled. It felt like years since I had been over here – and in some ways nothing had changed – for the last time I was here I was with Derek and Doc. I took a deep breath of the damp air and smiled, but my how things had changed. _

"Do you want to take a break?" Derek asked, squeezing my hand.

"No, lets keep going, lets go to the top of the ridge," I replied, pushing myself slightly.

Doc appeared from around the bend again and scampered back to us. "He seems happy," I observed.

"He missed you," Derek said, pulling me closer to him for a split-second. "So did I," he said, his voice scratchy. "I missed this, being up here with you," he added. I took his hand in mine again.

"Me too," I replied as we pushed on.

"Meredith," Derek said, stopping in his tracks. I turned to look at him.

"Derek," I said, only inches away now. "What is it? Are you okay?" I asked, I reached up and held his head in my hands.

"Yes … and you are too," he said, more as a statement than a question.

"I am," I agreed, pushing myself into his heat. Doc scampered up and sat at our feet.

_I kissed Derek then, getting lost in his aura, our bubble came and floated around us and suddenly I wasn't chilled to the bone. I pulled away, Derek's eyes were glassy, he pressed his lips together, he looked at me with wonder that never ceased … he had something on his mind._

"Are you ready to see your father?" he asked quietly, his eyes glistened against the dim light. My heart pounded in my chest … but not with worry.

"Do you think I am?" I asked. "I know he wants to see me," I added.

"I'll be with you the whole time," Derek encouraged, before pressing his warm lips to my cold ones.

"I know," I sighed.

_A cold gust of wind pushed into my back … move on it said, move forward and change the course of your destiny._

"You can do this Meredith," he said and my heart fluttered. "Same with going to see your mother, we need to get back into life… I want to tackle some of this before we go back to work, it will be healthy for you," he suggested quietly, snaking his arms low around my back. Doc whinnied before shifting.

"I know you're right," I sighed. "I'm scared," I confessed, pressing my head down onto his chest before looking up again.

"I know, but I'm here, you don't have to do anything alone," he smiled weakly and I knew he was just doing what needed to be done in bringing this up. "I'll be your wing man," he smirked. I sucked a deep breath in.

"Promise?" I asked, smiling weakly. I leaned into him, pushing my cold nose into his warm neck. I kissed his flesh.

"Promise," he said. "Lets invite them for a cup of coffee this afternoon, _move on and forward_, okay?" he asked cautiously.

_I sighed, ready to tackle whatever would come of this, for there was no time like the present, for it seemed it was time to end this particular stalemate._

"Okay," I agreed, with a small smile of my own.

_My heart raced – thump, thump, thump – inside my chest, I took a deep breath in an attempt to quiet it down, but I kissed Derek instead, holding his lips to mine, pumping them over and over again, getting lost in him for the moment, letting myself go … before we turned to finish our walk._

_We crossed a small plain and made our way up to the outer section of the ridge. The air was much cooler and damp, small particles of heavy air covered us like a net … the clearing was just up ahead, we were almost there. _

_I shivered at the thought of seeing my father again after all this time – twenty years had passed –but I moved on from the image of him because for some reason I felt it would be fine, for it was time to move on, close up old wounds and begin to live in the here and now. I reached out to Derek and took his hand in mine. I had a favorite set of boulders over here, something I never showed him before … it was my secret spot. The boulders were just high enough so when I climbed up to stand on them all I could see for miles and miles was the tops of the hundred-year-old evergreen trees. _

"Derek, come this way," I said without even thinking. I spotted the boulders and led him up the pathway. "Up here," I pointed. We crossed the clearing and reached the edge of the boulders.

"Stay put Doc," I ordered gently, patting the soft fur on his head. He sat down at the foot of the small incline. He looked up and I smiled down at him.

_I let go of Derek's hand and followed my familiar step sequence to reach the top, Derek copied my pattern and within a minute we were there. Derek stood with me and we took it all in. I felt so small all of a sudden, dwarfed by the natural beauty of the world in which we live. _

"_Oh wow,"_ I heard Derek say, but I was already a million miles away.

_I had forgotten how truly beautiful this spot was – the sky was white, mist touched the tops of the evergreens – they literally touched the sky! And even more incredible still, some of the steeples of the larger trees disappeared within the low clouds, hiding their length – shrouding their age and experience – dwarfing them, like they did to me._

_Derek took my hand in his, I felt his heat radiate through my whole body from our single point of physical contact. He could do that to me like no one else on this earth; he grounded me and brought me back. _

The wind picked up, pushing against us, I heard Doc whinny from below, finding comfort that he was here with us. I turned into Derek to escape the cold, he circled his arms around me and I rested my head over his heart and listened to the slow, steady and predictable beat of his muscle.

_Derek pressed his lips into my head; his hot breath breezed through my wild tresses, it felt so good. I looked up and found his gaze and he leaned down and closed his mouth over mine. I kissed him senseless then, turning flush up against him. I tugged on his bottom lip with mine, seeking entry into his depths, entry that was wordlessly granted when he took my tongue and sucked on it hard. I reached up and held Derek's skull in my hands, desperately wanting to wield control over his luscious lips and beautiful tongue. My core raging on, fire swept through my body as I pulled away from our kiss only to plunge my lips over his once again. _

_We broke away from our kiss and stood there as the damp wind cloaked us, trying to break through our bubble. All I could hear was the low howl of the wind and our panting … Derek literally took my breath away sometimes. _

"Meredith," Derek whispered. I looked up; I ran my cold fingers over his warm lips. "Are you okay?" he asked, concern washed over his face.

_My heart rate accelerated as I found his crystal clear gateways sparkling now against the bright white of the sky. His eyes bore into mine … they were sparkling again, the sparkle – my sparkle – had returned. I was struck; I heaved a big breath of the damp air, trying to steady my heart. _

"You're short of breath," he said, leaning into me as I clung to him.

"No," I looked up, catching my breath once again. "It's what you do to me, Derek," I said, kissing him once more. "You take every breath I have, I love you," I said, into his mouth.

"And I love you," Derek said before he kissed me once more. I lost myself in his embrace, seeking solace from the wind and everything else as we cherished each other once again.

_As we pulled away and held each other, I watched for a beat longer as the trees danced – twisting slightly, swaying in their roots – however unable and unwilling to bend into the wind. _

_Suddenly I felt us begin to sway too, gently back and forth in the midst of the trees and the sky and it felt like a glorious almost-dance … and I realized in that moment that perhaps momentum was ours again in the here and now._

**Chapter 25 – Secret Garden – Part 2 of 3 to follow.**


	58. Chapter 25, Secret Garden, Part 2 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thank you for your continued interest in this story, it means a lot to hear from you!**

**Chapter 25 – Secret Garden – Part 2 of 3**

I sat across from my father and his wife, Susan. She seemed lovely; Derek was right about that … she was like Mother Nature incarnate, if there was such a person. _The light came in from the window behind them and somehow illuminated her face – accentuating her kind features – she looked angelic, or something._ She sat close to my father, but not too close.

_According to Derek, they had two grown children – daughters – Lexie and Molly and I secretly wondered what kind of father he really was … and I'll be honest, my heart trembled at the thought. I couldn't help but wonder what I had missed out on._

I smiled as I watched Susan chat with Derek. My father seemed lost … and as I watched him grin and nod at all the right times, I realized that he and Susan seemed suited for each other. _He was quiet, reserved and it struck me that I could never see him with my mother._ My mother was a force; she was strong and hard and tough as nails. Although I'm not sure if that tough exterior was a byproduct of her harsh disappointment after everything that went down between her and Richard and my father … regardless, I had a hard time seeing her compatibility with my father now.

Derek rested his hand on my thigh. I instinctually placed my hand on top of his. He gave me a sidelong glance and smiled … _'I'm here',_ he said silently. I felt centered for a brief moment in time. Susan chatted on and on about the care I had received at Grace and how fortunate I was to have both Derek and Cristina in my life, two facts I couldn't challenge.

Surprisingly, my father seemed to be as nervous as I was about this meeting. Thankfully we had some chocolate cake (courtesy of Izzie) and some pretty decent coffee to keep us occupied. Susan and Derek were clearly there to provide the much needed emotional and physical support, and I encouraged that – _for I had no business being alone with my father_ – a fact I think we were all painfully aware of.

My mother drifted in and out of my head so quickly then, I barely comprehended that she materialized at all. I would have to deal with guilt of my own, or so it seemed, for my mother would not have approved and I did feel like I was betraying her in some small way. She did not want me to have a relationship with my father and she made that abundantly clear, but he was back and _he_ was lucid so I extended the olive branch.

_I could have ignored the potential for a relationship with him, well forever … except that he changed the course of that destiny when he signed those papers for me. So, the way I looked at it __– __was I still didn't owe him anything __–__ except for maybe a chance. _

I smiled weakly at Susan, presently engrossed in a conversation with Derek about the study he had enrolled my mother in; _I listened with only half an ear_, clearly my mind was on my father. I looked down and then up for a split-second and I caught him looking at me, so I smiled at him too. He nodded and smiled weakly in return. I would need to take a break from this soon, for I was feeling suffocated as a fury of thoughts about my mother and father seemed to float around my head – _ping, ping, ping_ – and it was becoming hard to focus on just one, so I let them all go. Why did it all have to be so complicated?

"Well, it sounds fascinating," Susan offered genuinely.

"It is, Ellis is a good candidate for the study," Derek sighed, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Can I get anyone some more coffee?" I asked the room at large.

_With that__,__ three pairs of eyes darted in my direction._ _Thankfully Doc stirred when he heard my voice. I looked down and smiled … he was such a trusted companion. _

"I'm just going to let Doc out and I'll be back then," I replied, completely flustered as I stood. I turned to exit the room and had to fight the urge to run and hide.

_I entered the kitchen and sighed heavily, Doc followed me to the back door. He whimpered and I crouched down to stroke him, feeling the need to ground myself. __Doc, 'could you save me again,'__ I pleaded silently. I hugged him tight around his neck, my heart shook like a leaf inside my chest – muted pumping – __my muscle__ was delicate, fragile … 'handle with care'. _

"How am I doing, Doc?" I asked, my voice shaking, I focused on his serious eyes hidden within his furry face; he leaned into me and poked me with his nose.

"_I think you're doing just fine,"_ Derek's voice filled the quiet space.

_My fragile heart stilled. I looked up to find my lover standing just inside the doorway. He smiled; his eyes catching mine as I stood up and opened the door for Doc, he darted outside. Derek walked toward me and I was in the safe enclave of his embrace in an instant._

"Oh God, I want them to leave," I laughed nervously into his chest. He rubbed his hands around my back, chuckled and kissed my head.

"They will," he said and I looked up to find his eyes. "Soon. Lets go back out for some small talk, I promise, they won't stay too much longer … have you noticed how nervous your father is?" Derek said softly.

"About as nervous as I am," I agreed. "Kiss me," I ordered tenderly.

_Derek wasted no time before his lips covered mine. I leaned into him and tasted the coffee on his tongue as he pumped my mouth over and over and over again, before he pulled away briefly. I lunged into him then, my skin heated up – nerve-endings popped all over the place as I reached up and held my his head in my hands – gently guiding him into me. I never wanted to let go._

"This is hard for you," he said, kissing once again, tugging on my lips. "I can't imagine it …but I love you even more for it, Meredith," he said, his eyes soft and understanding. He ducked his head down and nudged my lips with his … just one more firm kiss, my heart thumped loudly in my chest – _not so fragile now_ – with more life and fervor than ever before.

"Ready for more?" Derek asked, pulling away.

"Of that, you better believe it," I said sizing him up before I leaned up and into him, striking his lips with mine just once more.

"Hmm, I like where your head is," Derek said in between kisses. "Lets get this done," he added, taking my hand.

We walked out to the living room again, my hand firmly in Derek's now. He moved his thumb over my hand – _circle, circle, circle_ – I was soothed from our simple connection, I felt his other hand push low on my back.

"You must be getting tired," Susan offered as we approached. Both she and Thatcher stood; Derek led me to the entryway of the living room by the foyer.

"I am, every day is a bit better," I said, my voice not as shaky as it had been.

"Um, Derek, I'd like to show you something with one of the gutters outside, the one on the northeast corner of the house," my father said, his voice, soft and quiet.

"Sure, sure," Derek agreed.

"So, Meredith," my father said, stepping closer. He held his hand out for me; _it felt warm and oddly familiar._ I grasped it. "If you need anything, anything at all, will you call us?" he asked, stepping a little closer, he placed his hand on my forearm.

"Um, yeah … sure," I said. "Thanks for coming today and … thanks for signing the papers," I added quickly for fear if I never thanked him … I wouldn't.

_And then I held my breath – my words stuck in my throat and hung in the air all around us – my eyes clouded over with fresh tears, betraying me, revealing my secrets ever so slightly._

"Sure, sure … it was the least I could do," he smiled. We stood in an awkward silence for a beat until he spoke again. "Okay then, Derek?" he inquired, confirming his escape.

"I'll be right back," Derek murmured into my ear. He squeezed my hand once more before he ushered my father out the front door.

"Meredith," Susan said, stepping closer. "I know things have been tough for you," she offered softly.

"It's okay," I said, trying to clear my head.

"Well … no, it's not," she offered with a small smile. "I'm sorry, for how things were for you as a child; I feel … I feel responsible … I …," she stumbled over her words.

_I stood and watched lines of concern and uncertainty cover her face. She pushed her hair behind her ears and her eyes glistened against the dim light coming from the window inside the door. I dared myself to step closer still. _

"Susan …," I started.

"No," she said, finding my eyes. "I promised myself that if I ever met you I would apologize to you – _I'm a mom, you know_ – now I know … I know what I did to you was selfish, you … you were a child, we were the adults!" she admonished herself in front of me. "I could have done better by you Meredith and for that … I'm sorry," she offered sincerely.

I swallowed hard and watched her with a trained eye. "Thank you," I said softly after a minute, resting her forearm as I did.

"Your father thinks about you. He thinks about you a lot," she insisted then, but not in an entirely defensive way. She moved her hand up to her purse strap and held on tight. "He just ...your mother ... your mother ... she broke him," she said softly, trying to offer some perspective, she pulled her purse open and reached inside. "He wanted you to have this … it's … it's his favorite," she said, handing a photograph to me.

_I took the worn photo in my hands; the edges were soft, delicate, like raw silk. I held it up and scrutinized it more closely. I smiled; I remembered that day – my heart fluttered inside my chest – the photo became blurred through my thick tears. _

_Now I had my book and his special photo. It was more of my father than I had ever had in my __entire __life. _

"I remember this coat," I said, looking up to find her kind eyes, she stepped closer and put her arm around my shoulder.

"You were a beautiful child Meredith," she said softly, just loud enough for me to hear her. "We could be your family... if you wanted," she squeezed my shoulder. "You have a mother, I know. I'm not saying... I'm just saying that we could be your family too," she offered sincerely.

I reached up and patted her hand on my shoulder. "We could try," I said quietly.

"Okay then, how about you get some rest and we will see you soon," she murmured. "I'm going to go save Derek from your father now," she conspired, hugging me gently before she turned to go.

I followed her to the door. "Tell him I said thanks for the photo, would you?" I asked, hoping she would spare me any further interaction for today.

"I will, now go rest," she said as she stepped outside. "We'll see you soon," she added.

I smiled and she turned to leave. I closed the door behind me, I peeked into the living room – _all was how we left it_ – like they had never been here. _I looked down at the photo again – gingerly holding it – making sure not to bend it._ I left the cake and coffee cups in the living room; cleanup would have to wait, for I was suddenly both mentally and physically exhausted.

_I began the jaunt up the steps and made it to my room. I closed the door behind me and took a deep breath in. I did it, I had my father over for coffee and I had survived. Momentum was coming for me, I felt it now. I had tackled another hurdle and I was still breathing. _

_I walked over to my closet and found my book, __his__ book – safely nestled on the shelf exactly where I left it – I pulled it down and opened it. I slipped the photograph inside and closed it shut. I reached up and slipped the book back into place. I smiled – feeling centered, grounded – those childhood relics, my father's things were finally where they were meant to be. _

_I closed the door and crossed the room to my dresser. I pulled a pair of yoga pants out. I slipped my jeans __and panties __off and let them fall to the floor. I pulled the more comfortable pants on. I spied a stack of Derek's tees on the lounge chair; I took my cashmere sweater and bra off and exchanged __them__ for one of those. I smoothed the thin fabric over my body, comforted by the scent of his clothing._

I was about to slip into bed, but I heard a curious sound then – _metal, dragging, it sounded like a lawn chair on concrete_ – so I peeked outside my window and craned my head down so I could see through the tree there and was startled by what I saw. Derek and my father were crouched down by the swing – _my father was on his hands and knees _– he held his hand up and it looked like Derek handed him a small tool, perhaps a screwdriver. He put his head down again. Derek stood up, he smiled, looking to the foreground and said something, _perhaps to Susan_, although I couldn't see her from my vantage point.

_I smiled; it all seemed so … normal._

My father popped back up and smiled, saying something to Derek, he pointed at the swing and Derek sat down and it moved under his weight! He swung then just a little – _up and down, up and down_ – as my father looked on in satisfaction. I heard Derek laugh as he stood up; he placed his hand on my father's shoulder and held his other hand out. My father shook it. They spoke for a half a minute longer before they bid farewell to each other and Derek disappeared inside the house.

_My swing moved … and my father was the missing element … would this be another small miracle meant just for me?_

Half of me wanted to run downstairs and sit on the swing and move! But the other half of me wanted nothing more than to slip into the cool sheets of my bed and relax and sleep and finally be free from the dream – _it was truly over –_ I was in the here and now. The swing would move well into the future now. It would provide ample time and space to dream upon it – _countless swings would be swung_ – for me and for Derek, both together and apart from one another.

I slipped into my bed then, opting for sleep. I heard the gentle noise of the porcelain coffee cups clinking together, the sounds of Derek cleaning up from the morning. I was lulled by the calm I felt in my own heart for once, for it had been so very long since I held true peace there and truth be told, it felt amazing.

_I closed my eyes and was overcome by sleep in an instant. I rolled over and opened my eyes one last time, looking up and out through the window into the bright white overcast sky and I smiled, if I focused enough, I could feel the momentum of the swing, even now as the memory of its movement coursed through my veins._

_I closed my eyes again and let Derek's handsome face consume me … allowing his sparkling gateways to fill my mind as the world once again went blank. I listened to the sounds coming from the kitchen as they traveled up the stairs, quietly reminding me that I was not alone and quite possibly would never be alone again. _

_Derek was here with me and we were moving forward … it was true, momentum had found us once again._

**Chapter 25 – Secret Garden – Part 3 of 3 to follow.**


	59. Chapter 25, Secret Garden, Part 3 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thank you for your lovely notes; I do so appreciate your time. Things have been busy for me, but I do plan to reply to your comments throughout the week, enjoy this next part and let me know what you think please!**

**Chapter 25 – Secret Garden – Part 3 of 3 **

_I opened my eyes; dusk was upon us. I looked up and out of the window into the darkening sky. I felt Derek's all-consuming energy and knew that I had indeed crossed over into something new … some new idea of us. He was flush up against me … his arm draped protectively across my belly, his thighs pressed into mine, his lips grazing my neck, his hot breath billowing across my shoulder – in and out, in and out – systematic, regular, predictable … sinuous._

I relaxed back into him as he stirred only to burrow deeper into me – _him into me and me into him_ – we met each other halfway, instinctually seeking comfort, clarity … proximity and intimacy.

I sighed into myself, I had an overwhelming need to restore our physical connection now – _not in an animalistic way_ – but in a way that I needed to feel complete, _in a way that I wanted to be fully connected_, in a way that I wanted to test the vigor of our chain and the boundaries and walls of our bubble like never before.

I held no fear in my heart now, only trust and longing and feral desire – _it was true, Derek and I had made love many times over at this point_ – both in my dreams and before then, but there was something about this time – _this moment in time, this one time_ – because at this moment in time, we were both madly in love with one another and could finally and truly_ belong_ to one another in mind, body and spirit.

_There were no secrets, there were no dreams, there was only the promise of us … and we were on the verge of something beyond magical or even spiritual because we had already transcended above all else to arrive right here, right now. _

I closed my eyes briefly and said a small prayer for our future – _making a small reverence to our connection_ – and without hesitation I sighed and rolled in his arms to face him, effectively waking him up – _suddenly unwilling to wait another second to look into his gateways_ – I pressed myself into him and watched his eyes flutter open. I smiled.

"I've fallen in love with you all over again," I whispered into his sleepy gaze.

"Hmm, me too, I love you so," he said, barely audible, his voice filled with heavy sleep.

"I know you do, I know," I said softly, draping my leg over his hip bone, I took a deep breath of our air, coming closer still and Derek woke up, his eyes bright.

"I know this was important to you … and you don't have to share why, it can be your secret," he sighed – _catching me with his eyes_ – reeling me in like never before. I swallowed hard; I could feel his hot breath fan my face. "But … your swing is moving again Meredith – _there was a child-safe lock at the bottom against one of the hinges_ – your father unlocked it for you," he said, his nose nudging mine, his hands on my face now, his eyes sparkling as he watched me for reaction – _my heart stilled_ – my own tears threatened to fall.

I closed my eyes and willed those tears away. "Hmm, wow, thank you," I choked out before I moved my hands around his neck and closed the microscopic distance between us, kissing him with everything I had.

_We were lost within each other from the moment our lips touched – Derek seared my soul with his tongue as he lapped at mine over and over and over again – a deliciously repetitive pattern that pricked my skin with heat and popped every available nerve ending within my body. I was on fire and I held my lover's head in my hands. Tears fell as I kissed him now – overcome with unspent emotion – emotion that I had suppressed deep within my heart and mind and soul for so long now … it was almost hard to believe that it was tolerable to release it into the world again._

_I heard myself gasp into the quiet all around us as Derek sucked on my earlobe, his hands deep in my tresses, a low moan escaped from his lips and it traveled up and down my body, finally centralizing deep within my belly as he rolled on top of me, holding me there …I found his eyes – intense, deep blue like the middle of the ocean, they sparkled in the dim light – and in that moment I knew he would never let me go._

Derek swept his delicate surgeon's fingers across my cheeks, wiping those fallen tears away, his eyes stuck on mine like glue; he couldn't have moved them away if he tried. "No tears," he whispered, kissing me again. "Right here and now … lets move on the swing together," he said softly before he pressed his lips and the weight of his body into mine once again.

_Wordlessly, solidifying his presence. _

_Moving himself with me. _

_I held on tight._

_The swing began to move as I closed my eyes. _

_I moved with him._

_We were together as one – of sound mind and sound hearts – moving in sync at long last._

I was consumed now, consumed with anticipation as that my part of my heart – _the small section that I had locked away for good_ – was unleashed and I was set free from my secret obsession with my _never-ending love_ for this man.

Derek raised himself up to his knees and pulled me up to him – _we held each other, suspended in time_ – on the verge of delivering our secrets. He stole my breath with his stare again as he reached down and swept his tee over my head, resting his hands on my hips while I removed his shirt. _I took his lips in mine again then, unwilling to lose or break our connection, our skin pressed together._ I kissed him as I snaked my hands low over his hips, pushing his boxers down ever so slightly, the tip of his cock pressed flat against his belly, before I pushed the fabric down and released his hard muscle, pressing it in between us now.

"Do you remember all the times we made love in this room? In this bed?" I asked, taking hold of his cock, passing my thumb over his opening. Derek smiled reflectively … lost in the moment, I felt him shiver. His eyes fell on mine; he passed the pads of his thumbs over my nipples – _hmm, so good – _now _I_ shivered. "For months after you left, I fell asleep with you still ... _here with me_ … you were …," I said, my voice trembling, I ran my fingers around the sensitive head of his cock and he leaned into me. "You were still with me – _deep inside me_ – you were all I could ever dream of," I said, _finally releasing my secret_, pressing my lips to his.

Derek snaked his hands low around my waist and pushed my yoga pants down, his lips never leaving mine. "No more dreams," he pleaded quietly, his voice thick, his fingers pressing into the vee over my pelvic bone.

_He held me there, suspended in time. The sparkle in his eyes was ever-present now. _

I lay back and Derek wasted no time before he pulled my pants off, tossing them aside. He was on me within seconds – _pressing sticky wet kisses to my neck, his cock hard as stone_ – rolling back and forth against my pelvic bone. I pressed my fingers into his ribcage, tickling him slightly as I went. _I took a deep breath of him in, the familiarity of the moment was deafening to me._ I brought my feet up and clasped them around the small of his back, low and tight and pressed my pelvic bone up and into him.

Derek moved to hold my hands up and over my head, his mouth never leaving mine now, he leaned into me with his entire weight and suddenly I was nothing but clay – _molding into his body, whatever form he wanted me to be, whatever shape he would give me, I would take, I would give in_ – for I could barely move (and I had no desire to either).

"I love you," he muttered, a million miles away now, even though I felt him all around me. "I've missed you," he said softly.

I let him take control then and I lost myself under his touch, he reached down and brought my leg higher around his waist, settling himself over me. I heard myself gasp for air as he ducked his head down and pressed his mouth into my sensitive flesh _– just_ _tiny,_ _weightless, tender kisses onto my nipples now, sucking out of pure need like a baby_ – he released my hands and pressed his fingers around and over my nipples as he continued his suckling maneuvers. My hands fell to the smooth skin of his back. He groaned in satisfaction as he stealthily grabbed the nipple with his lips, before flicking it over and over again with the tip of his tongue.

_The world stopped and I held my breath, feeling the effects of his ministrations as they belted straight to my clit! Hot lava pooled at my core, begging to erupt_. _My muscles pulsed, seeking his cock, almost ferociously now! I bucked my hips up, but Derek only switched his attention to my other breast, beginning his attack in earnest now. _

"Derek," I gasped, I was losing it – _lost at sea again_ – hopelessly drifting into the abyss of no return.

"Shh, stay with me," he husked. "My God, I missed you, just the taste of your skin alone," he said thickly into my flesh before he began to suck and swirl is tongue around my blood-engorged peak.

_Pausing, he blew across my hot skin, before attacking his target once again. I held his head in my hands, pushing him lower against my body, I tightened my hold on him with my ankles – pressing my wet pussy against his belly, desperately needed pressure on my clit – as he sucked and nipped and nipped and sucked drawing me so close to orgasmic bliss … I was a trembling mess!_

_My mind went blank! Blissful oblivion was around the corner now … just one heartbeat away!_

"_Derek," _I gasped, trying to fight my way out and back to him.

"_Derek,"_ I heard myself moan as I tried to reach down for his cock.

"_Derek,"_ I pleaded, but all I could hear was my heart pounding and his lips and tongue smacking against my flesh.

_Keeping his mouth on my nipple for a beat longer, he swirled his tongue around and around and around my nub before he bit and flicked it one last time – I was teetering on the edge of a cliff now – one more flick, one more bite and I would fall!_

_Oh, Derek, let me fall!_

_But he groaned and pulled back though … saving me for now as he moved up from my torso, sweeping his hand down my abdomen – I caught his eyes with mine, locking them there – as his hand made its decent to his prize. He moved his fingers through my mound and I watched as he pressed his thumb deep into my sopping wet pussy. Hmm, the pressure, it was divine, my eyes slipped into the back of my head as he pumped once, twice._

"Meredith," he heaved, removing this thumb. I opened my eyes, he took my hand and pressed my fingers over my throbbing clit – _he smiled, his eyes bore into mine_ – as he slipped his thumb back into my awaiting depths.

"Hmm, I missed you, your tight pussy, so hot, wet, sticky," he moaned in satisfaction.

"Only for you," I said, feeling lost within the deep blue sea of his eyes.

_He removed his thumb and gently brushed it up and down over my clit – I grasped his wrist – smiling at him, I angled his thumb over my spot, my body quivered from this single point of contact. He added gentle pressure, ever so slight, ever so perfectly to fit my need – the world was silent – until I expelled a deep breath and released … coating our hands with my sex. _

"Only for me," he repeated, pressing his thumb back into my heat. "Forever and always," he said, more of a statement of fact than a question as he began to pump slowly, watching for my reaction.

_I opened my thighs – offering myself to him, his eyes caught mine – my gesture did not go unnoticed. He smiled, before he leaned down and pressed kisses to my belly, just above my vee, his hot breath fanned my pussy, cooling me down a notch. I tightened my hold on his wrist and clenched my pussy around his thumb, dangerously close to orgasmic bliss now. _

"Forever and always," I managed to whisper – _my words hung in the air_ – I relaxed my vaginal hold on this thumb, he got my signal and removed it.

_He hovered over me in an instant now, his spirit free and beautiful as he gazed at me and held me captive with his wild blue eyes._

_He lowered himself – situating his body over mine, his cock pressed against my opening. _

_I spread my thighs apart as Derek slowly sank into me … my anchor, my buoy, my angel … and finally my 'everything'._

_I closed my eyes as the world stopped … I opened them again and he was right where I left him._

_He came down on me – sinking deeper and deeper and deeper – his face now less than an inch apart from mine, our bodies touching joined together in bliss, skin on skin._

_He swept his hand over my forehead and I held onto his neck, desperately wishing for this moment to last a lifetime and beyond. _

"For the rest of your life," Derek husked, again more of a statement of fact then a question, his eyes wet with the meaning behind his statement … he didn't dare look away.

_We were suspended in time somehow – not one muscle between the two of us had moved – we had waited for this moment, it seemed for a lifetime already._

_We cradled each other now in mind, body and spirit as Derek's words hung in the air like a low-lying cloud._

_Our bubble returned and my eyes linked with his as our chain was connected once again, bonded, strong, and resilient across all spaces of time. _

"For the rest of my life," I whispered.

_And only then did Derek begin to move within me; gently pounding his cock into my waiting depths – deeper, deeper – I pulled my thighs up and over his hips allowing him to bump my cervix with every strike! I held onto Derek's shoulders and watched him as he watched me and we became one to each other after so many months apart. With all the power I had in me, I squeezed my legs around his torso and brought myself on top of him. _

"Meredith!" he gasped as I righted myself, his hands on my hips in an instant, my breasts swayed, rocking from my movement as I began to ride his rock hard cock.

_I arched my head back and let my neck muscles relax as I slowed my pace down and clenched my vagina around his beautiful cock I had missed so much! I felt Derek's thumb press against my clit and my sex wafted up and hovered into the air we so desperately needed. I let myself get lost in the sensation of his cock buried safely deep within my core. I lifted up and pressed down; covering him like a glove … I perfected this action and did it again several times in rapid succession. _

"Derek," I heard myself gasp into the dark room. "I love you," I chanted.

_I opened my eyes and found his sparkling ones, I leaned down, making sure to keep him inside of me and I kissed my lover on his mouth, his tongue darted into my depths and I grabbed it and sucked on it hard – wanting and needing to taste him – I needed more, more pressure, more of him!_

"Oh God, I missed you," he said into my mouth. "Everything about you, I want more, forever and always, just like this," he husked, breathing heavily, confessing his heart's desires again.

_I kissed him once more on his words – letting my mouth linger on his – letting my wet pussy coat him once again as he pushed hard into me – up and up and up, over and over and over again – giving me all that I needed and so much more. But I wanted even more still! I wanted him, in me, on me, around me … I needed to consume him somehow, the way he consumed me! I wanted so badly to taste him, I kissed him again then – darting my tongue into his depths – but I needed more still! _

_I decided I had to have him in my mouth so without missing a second of our connection, I released Derek's cock from my vaginal hold and within a beat I crouched over and took him fully in my mouth. _

"Meredith, damn," came Derek's warbled voice as he clenched his ass up, forcing his rod deep into my waiting mouth, his hands already on my skull. I heard him chant my name once more.

_His cries were lost on me though, for I was already gone! I lapped at Derek's cock now, completely lost within him and this cherished moment. I was lost in everything he had to offer, he smelled so earthy, so familiar, so much like the man I fell in love with! And he tasted so good, I lapped at his cock now, hmm, just how I remembered, but so much better! He tasted like me and I, like him – his raw sex I loved so much – he tasted like 'us' and it was more than divine!_

_I ran my tongue up and down his long length and took a deep breath in, I closed my mouth over his sensitive head like a siphon and sucked him off over and over and over again! I leaned down and into him – my ass in the air, my pussy pulsing – evidence of my desire for him passing over the barrier of my folds as my sex trickled down my seam. _

_Derek grabbed at my hair, trying to wield control over my ministrations. But I wouldn't stand for that, I pushed his hips down into the mattress and his cock pulsed with need in my mouth as I swallowed him whole again. His body trembled under mine; he was long gone! _

_I desperately wanted to get him off now – it was a simple quest really – I waited far too long to taste him, to love him, to sex him … to feel what I could do to him! I ran the pads of my fingers over the soft sensitive skin of his scrotum and it throbbed to my touch – my pussy ached for him, but I pressed on still – he clenched his cock up and into my mouth then… he was almost ready to blow!_

Without warning, Derek pulled me from his throbbing cock like he did so many other times when we were together, for as much as I loved to drink him down … _he loved cumming with me even more._ He found my eyes in the dark; I smiled and reached down to caress his aching cock.

"I can't, not without you, you know that," he whispered, his voice cracked as he rolled on top of me – _holding me captive with his eyes for a split-second_ – before he released me to the wild again.

_Without waiting, he crouched down, snaked his forearms under my thighs and plunged his whole mouth over my drenched pussy. I yelped into the night as Derek drank down the fruits of his labors with haste – ravishing me like I was his last meal – oh God, did I miss his mouth on me!_

"Damn, you taste good, you'll never make enough of this," Derek moaned into my hole.

_I fell apart at the seams as his vibration rattled around within my body before zapping my clit with unrecognizable force … I was already starting to orgasm! Derek spread my folds apart with his gentle fingers and played with my nub – rubbing it with his tongue, circling around and around and around, swirling in and out – until I was swollen and throbbing with untamed need for him. _

"Derek!" I screamed so loud that I pulled myself from orgasmic bliss.

_I felt him ease up for a beat. I clawed at him now – needed him to cum with me – I need his mouth on mine, I craved our connection, our bond … proximity! I moved my hands and clasped his skull, but I felt him slow down, he would let me calm down for a second now before he finished me off. _

I felt him French kiss my pussy – _slowly, slowly, lapping, holding my swollen nub with his lips as he tugged_ – he ran the tip of his tongue up and down my pulled away, I could feel his hot breath fan my folds and then kissed me there once more before he was hovering over me once again, positioning his steel cock at my doors.

Derek leaned down and swirled his tongue around my nipples now, grazing his teeth along each one, lapping, sucking, pulling – _working me into a slow frenzy again_ – I grabbed his cock and ran it up and down my slick folds. He moaned in satisfaction as I took his fat head in my fingertips and eased him into my steamy pussy – _spreading my thighs for him, open with trust, there were no more secrets_ – I locked his eyes with mine until he finally began to pump into me with slow, purposeful force.

_Within seconds I had lubricated our machine – never in my life had I felt a pull on my heart like I did right in this minute – it could have been our first time together or so perfectly connective like all of the other times before this … no matter the reason, it hit me like nothing else ever had and I knew in that moment that I had irrevocably given my heart and soul to Derek Shepherd._

_I swept my hand up and rested it on his heart as he struck me with his rod over and over again. I felt my muscles move around him, clenching down on the velvety soft skin that encased his cock. God, I loved him! I raised my knees up and rolled my hips back, giving way for the deeper penetration I craved so very much._

_Derek's heart pounded away in his chest, he ducked his head down and pressed kisses to my face and neck – any available skin was ripe for the taking – his kisses were simple flutters, barely there, but they somehow left indelible marks on my flesh, reaching deep into my bone marrow._

Derek plunged his hands into my wild tresses now forming a halo around my head with his forearms. "You're my angel, Meredith … my everything," he choked out in between pulses, I kissed his lips, keeping my eyes trained on his … I moved my hands up to his skull, feeling the wet, hot flesh of his face beneath my fingertips, I kissed him over and over again.

I brought my hips up to meet his more urgent thrusts now – _his cock slipped in and out of my pliant folds, no doubt glistening with my sex_ – the unrelenting sound of our raspy breathing and his scrotum as it slapped against my ass was all I could hear and feel.

Derek's lubricated rod drove deeper and deeper into my core with every movement – _we were moving, literally moving across the bed as he pounded over and over and over again into me_ – my pussy pulsing with need, my every nerve rapidly popping now, I was so close to oblivion … close to that point of no return now, I was losing all control!

_I spread my thighs wider, and planted my feet flat on the mattress as Derek's weight pushed into me deeper, slamming me into the mattress now, I felt his ass cheeks clench inward and my pussy began to systematically pulse around his rod … oh God, I needed the release, I needed it and I needed it now!_

"Oh, Jesus … oh, almost!" Derek sang desperately.

_He pounded faster and faster now and I held on for dear life to my anchor as my head became fuzzy, cloud covered at best …we were in a frenzy, nothing could stop us! I reached down between us and pressed my fingers over my clit, I let the added pressure push me over the edge as Derek came down hard on my hand every other second. My swollen nub moved under our touch and I felt my orgasm grow and grow and grow – completely out of control – I was a goner! My body shook as I felt Derek slam into me one last time with untamed animalistic need before I removed my hand and he collapsed on top of me!_

_Suddenly, all was quiet. _

_Aside from our pounding hearts and souls and our collective breathing, not another sound could be heard. _

_And only then did we set out to sea … we were floating together once again. _

_I clasped my ankles low around Derek's back and let the weight of my anchor ground me._

_I let him push me into the mattress, I kissed his wet neck and shoulders and he kissed mine. I held on as my vagina continued to pulse around his softening cock – click, click, click – I pressed my pelvic bone up and into him … I wiggled under his weight. _

_Damn. I. Needed. More._

Derek felt my signal and chuckled breathlessly. He snaked his hand down between us, slipping his finger over my clit … my hips bucked in response and his cock popped free from my confines. He began to suck and nip at my soaking wet skin – _down, down, down he went_ – before I caught his eyes with mine, only then did he kneel in front of me.

I spread my thighs. My skin pricked with a chill of anticipation and I felt bereft for a moment without his heat to warm me. Derek shook his head in wonder. "So beautiful, you're pulsing, deliciously ripe," he said softly, reaching down, he gingerly spread my plump folds with his fingers.

_I watched as he kept his eyes trained on my pussy before slipping two fingers into my hole. He crouched over me then; I felt his hot breath breeze across my opening as he swept his tongue up and down my seam._

"Hmm, so damn good," he muttered into my hole.

He pulled his fingers out and used his thumbs to press my folds back before he flicked his tongue at my swollen clit – _up and down, up and down_ – he took my nub in between his lips and sucked on it hard, squeezing it with the most perfect amount of gentle pressure, something only he could do for me.

_My hips rose to meet his lips and he gently fucked my pussy with his talented tongue … I came hard then, shaking uncontrollably. My hands found Derek's skull, I held on akin to a vise … the unrelenting swirling of his tongue and my rapidly pulsing pussy were the last sensations I remembered before I slipped into the undertow of orgasmic bliss. _

_All was quiet then. _

_How much time had passed was beyond me._

_I felt warm all of a sudden._

_Derek's energy encapsulated me._

_I opened my eyes to find him._

_He had covered us with the quilt._

_His head was in the crook of my neck. _

_His hot breath breezed along my collarbone._

_His right hand rested on my breast._

_His right leg was draped over my thighs. _

"_Meredith,"_ Derek's soft came into the quiet all around us.

"Yes," I answered.

"Who needs a swing when you can move mountains like that?" he asked, his eyes remained closed.

"Hmm, one day when we're old and gray, we'll need a quiet place to sit and rest," I answered, burrowing deeper into my lover's embrace.

"Hmm, just like at the end of _'The Giving Tree'_," Derek mused softly.

"Yes, just like that, sleep tight," I said, breathing him in once more.

"Good night love," Derek whispered.

_I took a good look at his sleeping form then. All of the worry lines etched deep within his handsome face had receded – cast out to sea with the storm of our lovemaking – long gone now with our tumultuous history and forgotten dreams. I closed my eyes and let my body relax into his; sleep was coming for me._

_I kissed Derek once more on his lips, he rolled into me even deeper and we found each other once again as the waters receded – only this time we were safe and warm and at home within the enclave of my room – hidden beneath the bliss of our impenetrable bubble._

**Chapter 26 to follow.**


	60. Chapter 26, Collide, Part 1 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Sometimes I wonder what I am thinking or how misguided I am. Hundreds of people read this story and with Chapter 25 kind of solidifying Meredith and Derek's reunion (in a matter of their intimacy and longevity), I thought it would have garnered more than ****two**** comments. To say I am deflated is an understatement. **

**I would like to thank ****merderluvr**** (for your steadfast encouragement) and ****McJinx64**** (for your enthusiasm), thanks for taking the time to communicate with me ladies! **

**There isn't too much I can say about this song, "Collide" from Howie Day and this chapter other than they go together like PB&J. So enlighten me and think of Meredith and Ellis when you listen to these words and you'll be exactly where my mind was when I wrote this chapter.**

**Chapter 26 – Collide **

Lyrics for Howie Day's, "Collide":

The dawn is breaking  
A light shining through  
You're barely waking  
And I'm tangled up in you  
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed  
Where I follow, you'll go  
I worry I won't see your face  
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes  
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme  
Out of the doubt that fills my mind  
I somehow find  
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know  
You make a first impression  
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes  
Even the stars refuse to shine  
Out of the dark you fall in time  
I somehow find  
You and I collide

Don't stop here  
I've lost my place  
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes  
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme  
Out of the doubt that fills your mind  
You finally find  
You and I collide

You finally find  
You and I collide  
You finally find  
You and I collide

###

**Chapter – 26 – Collide – Part 1 of 2**

_My mother was lucid. _

We drove in a comfortable silence to the nursing home as Derek expertly maneuvered his car through the rain-soaked Seattle streets. Rain fell down all around us and I kept my eyes trained on the front window – _the wipers offered intermittent moments of clarity_ – within my otherwise crowded brain. Derek held my hand in his, wordlessly grounding me, I smiled and turned to look at him. We stopped at a red light and he turned to me – _stunning me with the brilliant sparkle of his eyes_ – I smiled weakly as my heart clamored away in my chest like thousands of new butterfly hatchlings … _swish, swish, swish._

"We can do this, you know that right?" he asked quietly, squeezing my hand.

"Yeah, I mean, like the Chief said, it's a gift," I said softly, stifling a small worry deep into my belly. "I just don't know how to handle this," I added.

"Well, we'll go moment to moment, she could slip back any time and we don't know where she is in her mind, so let's just get there and then we'll see," Derek replied. He turned the last corner and we pulled up to the nursing home.

Derek got out of the car and came around to my side. I didn't move – _I was scared to breathe even as he opened the door and crouched down in front of me_ – I could see his eyes looking me over from my peripheral vision. "I'll be with you the entire time and Richard's here too, come on," he reached over and released my seatbelt.

I grasped his wrist with my hand. He turned his face to mine and I kissed him – _soft, quick_ – I just needed to ground myself before I moved forward. I pulled back, Derek smiled softly and I got out of the car. I stepped onto the curb; I just had to get this done. Derek closed the door behind us and we walked, _hand in hand_, up the front pathway. Derek opened the door and for some reason it felt like we passed through some barrier into an alternate universe. I smiled at Mrs. Henry as she walked toward us.

"Mrs. Henry, how are you?" I asked, my voice shaking. She smiled and I saw her glance down, making a mental note that Derek and I were holding hands.

_He smiled and squeezed my hand; I squeezed back. _

"She woke up this morning completely aware. Medically we don't know why, I probably don't have to tell you that though," she smiled.

"Is Dr. Webber with her now?" Derek asked.

"Yes, she was confused at first – _he just dropped by for one of his usual visits_ – from what I understand she hadn't seen him in a very long time, before she became sick," she smiled weakly, "Come lets sit over here for a minute," she said graciously, Derek and I followed her lead and sat down in the parlor. He draped his arm around my shoulders and Mrs. Henry smiled once again.

"She of course was disorientated by his presence and I thought she should hear about her disease from you_ – but Dr. Webber contradicted me_ – he said something about needing to do this for you," she smiled. "He's told her and now she's coping," she reported. "But she seems to be upset about the way she left things with you, she remembers an argument you had five years ago – _this seems to be the last cognitive event she recalls_ – she's devastated as I'm sure you can imagine," Mrs. Henry spoke evenly but I found it difficult to find my breath.

"So, she'll know me?" I squeaked out. "I'm gonna walk in there and she'll know who I am?" I asked incredulously.

_Suddenly I was scared to death – my world was about hit my mother's in a head on collision – a pit formed in my stomach. _

"She's been asking for you," Mrs. Henry answered and I was at a loss for words. I shook my head in disbelief; I was stuck. Derek moved his hand down to my lower back.

"Can we have a moment Mrs. Henry?" Derek asked politely.

"Sure, go on back any time you're ready, they are in the solarium," she replied as she stood.

"Meredith, look at me," Derek said once we were alone. I turned my head; my resolve was weakening. "I love you," he smiled and locked his eyes with mine. "She's lost five years of her life and we have this moment in time to make up for it," he said softly.

"She was furious with me – _when we had that fight_ – she was so angry, I left for Europe after that and when came home, but she was already slipping away," I said, finding his eyes. "How do I move on from that?" I asked.

"Why don't you let her start, she might surprise you … this is her second chance too and she probably won't have tomorrow like we do," he whispered, kissing my cheek. He stood up and held his hand out for me.

We made our way down the long hallway to the solarium; Derek gently held my hand as we walked. I released my hand and untied my coat, suddenly stifled by the heat. My face pricked and my hands felt sweaty.

_Oh God, please just let this go smoothly – please let this moment in time mean something – for the both of us. _

We stopped outside the entryway to the solarium, I heard my mother's voice, I saw just her face then – _the bright white light from the overcast sky softened her typically strong features_ – or maybe it was the clarity of her lucid mind or perhaps even the man who sat across from her. _Whatever it was … it suited her._ I looked up to Derek and was about to walk in, but he pulled me back.

"We should let them have a second," Derek said softly. "It sounds like a private conversation," he whispered into my ear, pulling my back into him. He kissed my neck and we stood there and listened for a moment.

"Richard, do I know who Meredith is? Do I at least recognize her?" she asked, insecurity laced in her voice.

_My heart raced at her sincere question. This was all so sad._

_"You know she's someone important. Someone who loves you," came his even, predictable voice._

"I've never asked you for anything – _well not since I begged you not to leave me_ – but I'll ask you now, for the favor of a lifetime," she said softly.

"_Okay, Ellis," Richard said._

"Will you look out for her, because she's got so much more to learn and I won't be able to teach her," my mother pleaded softly, sniffling, her eyes glistening against the opaque light.

_"I'll look out for her … she's um, she's just been through a hard time, she had an accident at work –"_

"What? Is she okay?" she interrupted, alarm crossed over her wary face and eyes.

"_She's fine, she's fine now, she was in a coma –"_

"What?" she screeched slightly.

"_But she's fine now, you raised a fighter Ellis," he said evenly. _

"And she's okay now? What happened?" she heaved and then she sighed. "You know what, she's fine – _that what I care for_ – I might only have today, will she be here soon? Oh God, Richard, is she healed? Is she happy?" my mother rambled on, unable to hide from her fear.

_Tears pricked my eyes; she became blurred around the edges._

"_Yes, I believe she is – she's at the top of her class, you would be so proud of her," he sighed. "And she has a wonderful man in her life too – things weren't easy for them at first, there were … obstacles," he sighed heavily, perhaps reflectively. "But he's a doing a fine job … __he__ fought for her," Richard spoke evenly. _

_I leaned into Derek and Derek leaned into me … we held each other up. _

"I wish I could go back. I wish I wasn't so broken over you," she sighed. "I was devastated, I tried to …," her small voice trailed off. "I'd do everything so differently," she said more with more conviction. "I'd fight harder for you. I think if I'd fought for you...," her voice trailed off, her hazel eyes were glassy, she held her hand out and I saw his hand meet hers.

I fought back tears as I listened to my mother … she was trying to articulate just how sour her life was, while I was nothing but a bystander once again. Except for the first time in my life – _given an examination of my relationship with Derek_ – one once-broken woman to another, I finally _'got her'_.

_And in that moment, the silos finally collapsed, the lines were merged … and only then had we had collided and become one in the same … tough Grey women. _

My heart broke for her now because it wasn't her fault, much like it wasn't my own – _for she fell in love with the right man at the wrong time_ – and I knew what that felt like firsthand … because we can't help who we love. The only difference was that Richard was an unavailable man and he did nothing to change that … _he__ didn't fight for my mother like Derek fought for me._

"_I'm sorry I hurt you so much," Richard said with regret. "We would have had a wonderful life together Ellis," he added, just above a whisper._

"You think so?" my mother wondered aloud, her hope somehow restored… her whole demeanor softened; she pushed her auburn hair behind her ears. She looked years younger all of a sudden.

_"I do. We would have done our fellowship here. And then you would have fought me for chief and probably won and I wouldn't have minded cause we'd have kids at home," he confessed, prophesying his dreams.  
_  
"We would have been a family," Ellis sighed.

"_It would have been nice, we would have overcome __our__ obstacles together," Richard agreed._

"And I would have been happy just like Meredith. And that would have changed everything – _for her_ – for me, for us," my mother concluded softy, her eyes were shining now, much how Derek's do when he looks at me.

"_Yes, yes, it would have been beautiful," murmured Richard. _

"My life is so unfinished, I've lost my place," she stifled a deep sob now. "It's unfinished and I'm unfinished," she cried softly.

_"No, Ellis you're not, Lord, I know that. But lets not squander this time together with thinking like that, okay, not now, not today," he comforted her._

He moved from his seat then and I instinctually sank back into Derek. Richard crouched down in front of my mother – _she leaned in and hugged him as if the rest of her life depended on it_ – and in a strange way, it did.

_I turned to Derek and moved him into the hallway, I held him with everything I had and I let the world stop. I took a deep breath of him in and let in linger within my lungs before I pressed it out. My heart was treading water – fight, fight, fight – as I desperately tried to swim above all that had just been said, pressing every word into my memory bank. _

"Thank you for fighting for me," I choked out into my lover's neck.

"Thank you for fighting your way back to _me_," he said softly, he kissed the top of my head.

_I looked up and brushed my lips against Derek's, keeping my hands on his skull. I smiled into his eyes. He smiled weakly, his eyes glassy now too as he shook his head … for there were no perfect words for this moment. _

_And with that, I took Derek's hand in mine and crossed over the threshold into the solarium to introduce my mother to … my lover … my angel … my fighter … my everything. _

**Chapter 26 – Collide – Part 2 of 2 to follow.**


	61. Chapter 26, Collide, Part 2 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks for the notes on the first part of the chapter, I am thankful that you also believe there was more that could have been done with Ellis' lucid day, such a shame, the way it played out on the show, so much of the later half of Season 3 always seemed a bit too aggressive … alarming that so much cruelty could have been bestowed upon one person … with what happened to Meredith, Ellis, Susan … the list goes on and on. **

**My take of what could have been is drastically different, but in my opinion, just as meaningful.  
**

**Please keep letting me know how you feel, it means a lot. **

**Chapter 26 – Collide – Part 2 of 2**

Hours later we still sat in the solarium, perhaps afraid to move from our location – _the rain had subsided and the dim overcast sky offered only muted shadows_ – which only served to blur the edges of our time together. I can't explain it, but ironically nothing seemed sharp, everything was fuzzy and yet this served to be one of the most indelible moments in my life.

My mother and I had slowly eased back into each other. I apologized for that last argument and so did she, saying something about it all being water under the bridge, or whatever. _She gave in because our time was short and because in the end she got her wish … I went to medical school, I did not waste my potential._ I sensed she just wanted to move on from that point in time and so I just let it go … it was time to move on, move forward … _just move._

After spending the morning with us, Richard reluctantly bid my mother farewell. It was hard for him to go; hard for him to realize that she would most likely be gone again by the time he would come back. My mother hugged him then with all she had, it was hard to watch actually – _they were like high school sweethearts who bumped into each other in some random timeless place, like the airport_ – and then before they knew it, their flights were announced, the visit was over and they would be called to resume their separate lives.

_I turned my attention now and watched my mother and Derek sparring with each other about various surgical techniques … it seemed they had moved the conversation away from the daunting topic of Alzheimer's, my mother almost looked relieved. She laughed now as Derek was preaching to her about the benefits of surgical laser guides and she of course lecturing him that it was all in the wrist and either 'you knew how to cut or you didn't'. Derek was adorable and I watched as he feigned insult, while she made a point to ignore his shenanigans. They were a perfect pair it seemed and that made me incredibly sad all of a sudden. _

"Meredith," she smiled. "I like to think this is what it would have been like … eventually," she mused, a mischievous twinkle in her eye.

"Really?" I said cautiously, _for my mother had ways_, evil ways of turning things around.

"Hmm yes, you and me, maybe Richard …," she smiled. "And of course you Derek … and maybe your children," she laughed as she wagged one of her long delicate fingers between us.

_I watched as her cheeks turned pink and she giggled like a schoolgirl! My eyes bulged out of my head and I looked at Derek only to find him staring at me – with my sparkle – it was alive and well within his eyes._

"Mom," I said with a raised brow, my heart went nuts in my chest.

"Don't _'mom'_ me," she admonished, moving her hair out of her eyes. "I'm letting my lucid mind wander Meredith," she chuckled.

"Yeah Meredith, lucid minds wander," Derek teased, resting his hand on my thigh.

"See, he knows. And in mine, you and I would sit late into the afternoon and debate about surgical procedures, _with two handsome men_," she said softly, wistfully, as she stifled a yawn.

"It sounds like a dream come true," I agreed, stifling a yawn of my own.

"Well, it seems I have worn you two ladies out," Derek said cheerfully, although I knew concern consumed him.

"I am feeling tired, exhausted," my mother confessed – _a tormented wave crashed over her features_ – she would soon slip into the undertow, I could tell.

A clap of thunder roared all around us, the lights flickered – _off, on_ – and the tone of our visit was instantly changed, like scenes in Shakespeare's theater. _We were awakening again to the dim reality of our situation._ I cast a long glance at Derek; he only smiled with encouragement.

"Mom, why don't I go back to your room with you for a while, just us, okay?" I said, my heart ran amuck, slapping against my chest, effectively waking me up from this dream of a day.

"All right, but not before I say a couple things to Derek," she said, I raised my brow again. "It's nothing you can't hear, he'll tell you tonight anyway, for you don't keep secrets do you?" she challenged.

"No," I laughed, glancing at Derek … _if she only knew!_

My mother stood and Derek followed her lead. She walked around the small coffee table and stood in front of him. I stood and moved off to the side, giving them marginal privacy.

"Now Derek, I don't know what you've heard about me, but I wasn't easy … to live with, to work with … I wasn't a lot of things and there are reasons for all that," she sighed, chuckling as she continued. "I didn't fail in my career – _it was the only thing in my life I was in complete control of_ – and once other things happened to me … I let myself go, I sank into myself and I regret that now. _I ignored Meredith and our chances to find happiness_, both hers and my own," she said, her eyes darted in my direction. She reached out and placed her hand on Derek's forearm. "Until today," she smiled. I watched Derek lean into her slightly. "As I sat here all day, I wondered to myself, _what had happened to Meredith_ and the more we spoke and I observed, I realized … _it was you … you happened to her_," she said, her eyes glassy now. I took a step closer and put my arm over her shoulders. "My girl is happy Derek, and I think … I think it's because of you and it was my gift to see that today – _you gave her something I was never able to give her myself_ – and for that I'll be eternally grateful …," she said as evenly as she could. Derek smiled and patted the hand she had placed on his forearm.

"You did the best you could, mom," I said as she turned into me and I gave her a long hug. _She leaned into me and I cradled my mother with all I had in that moment._ I locked my eyes with Derek's for a split-second; he smiled and pressed his lips together.

"It's all anyone can do," Derek said softly in agreement.

"I suppose so," she said evenly. She looked at Derek and smiled. "Take care Derek, you'll keep me in that study right?" she asked, her head held high, the practical, no-nonsense side of her persona had reappeared.

"Of course," he nodded and smiled. He turned to me then. "Take as much time as you need, I'll wait in the parlor," he said before he pressed a quick kiss to my cheek, smiled brightly once more and disappeared down the hallway.

My mother laced her arm through mine as we turned to head to her room. "He's really dreamy Meredith," she gushed conspiratorially.

"Oh mom," I smiled as we walked; I felt her lean into me ever so slightly as we moved.

We arrived at her suite and stepped inside. She switched on the small lamp on her dresser; the dull, fuzzy light illuminated the space. Her room was neat and tidy – _all of her favorite relics were out, just where she liked them_ – I felt a small sliver of peace knowing that she had this enclave to call her own, that no matter what space or time it was for her …_it was still hers._

"I could use a nap, being lucid is exhausting," she mused, fidgeting with the sleeve on her sweater much like I did when I was nervous.

"Why don't you lie down, I'll stay with you, okay?" I asked as she slipped her shoes off.

She took her sweater off, folded it and placed it on her dresser before she sat down on her bed. I sat across from her on a large lounge chair in the far corner of her room.

"Today was a good day," she stated into the quiet all around us.

"It was, and I _am_ happy – _he makes all the difference for me_ – I love Derek, very much," I said.

"I know you do," she said as she put her head down on her pillow, rolling to her side, she kept her eyes trained on me. "You're extraordinary together, good for one another," she said softly.

"I think so too," I said with a smile, my mind floating to Derek and my deep love for him.

"Meredith," she said, never moving her eyes from mine. "I used to keep a journal, when I was your age, do you have all of my things?" she asked.

"Yes, everything is packed away, I live at our house," I answered.

"You do?" she asked curiously. "That's nice, so there's happiness there too," she sighed and I smiled _(yes finally there is). _"Well, if you ever wanted to know me, you could – _you could read them_ – I wouldn't mind. I don't even know what I wrote, but they could be yours, if you … if you want them," she offered.

"Thank you," I said softly, locking my eyes with hers one last time.

I watched as her eyes began to close. I smiled, for I knew our time was almost over. Part of me wanted to climb into bed with her and never let go – _but another smaller part of me was content with this small gift_ – this small window of time, this small moment when our worlds collided and everything was perfectly aligned and peaceful between us.

I closed my eyes and relaxed into the moment. I heard my mother shift on her bed and beyond her soft breathing all I could hear was the soft pattern of the rain as it fell against her windows.

"I'll miss you mom," I whispered.

_My mother's eyes snapped open and I could tell all recognition was gone. She leaned up on her elbow, eying me curiously now. I smiled. _

"Did you say something?" she asked, and that was it … she was gone like she had never been here at all. My heart raced, this was too much to bear, just too damn sad.

"It's _me_ mom, Meredith," I said, scanning her confused eyes with mine, but it was hopeless, she was missing again.

"You look like my daughter, have I told you that?" she said, ignoring my statement.

"Yes you have," I smiled. "I'll let you rest now, okay?" I said, taking a deep breath to calm the sadness that raged deep within my core now.

_I stood and walked to her bedside. I kissed her cheek and exited her room. I closed the door behind me and spotted Derek standing at the end of the long dim hallway with my jacket over his arm. We walked quickly to one another meeting somewhere in the middle – colliding, merging, leaning, kissing, loving – one another like nothing else mattered. And nothing else did._

We pulled back from our embrace. Derek smiled weakly, holding my jacket out for me; I slipped it on … relishing in its familiarity. I took Derek's hand in mine and we began to walk out of the nursing home together, just as we walked in together all those hours ago, like nothing had happened … except that so much had. _I looked down at our hands and marveled at our extraordinary fit._

I smiled as we exited the nursing home and walked down the pathway to the car. Derek opened the door for me, but I hedged before slipping inside. Derek cocked his head at me expectantly. He smiled.

"My mother thinks you're dreamy," I said, I watched as Derek's eyes danced against the light from the street lamp.

"What do you think?" he asked, inching closer, clasping his arms around the small of my back.

"I think you're more than that," I smiled, leaning into his chest, getting lost in the comfort only he could provide.

"Oh yeah," he laughed, pressing his body into mine. "In what way?" He asked, kissing to my cold lips. I smiled, swallowing hard.

"You're my reality Derek … you _happened_ to me," I whispered into his ear, before kissing him once more.

And then I watched as the meaning of my words crossed over Derek's handsome face before I slipped into the car and closed the door. I crossed my seatbelt over my chest and caught Derek's broad smile as he made his way around the car to the drivers' side and ducked inside.

_He turned the car on. I looked at him. He looked at me. I leaned in; he met me halfway. We kissed, once, twice. I smiled. He smiled. We were merely reflections of one another, merging once again. _

"Home, bath, bed," he said softy against my lips.

"Home, bath, bed," I agreed against his.

And as Derek pulled out and into traffic all I could think about was my mother and for once I wasn't sad – _well I still worried about her in the middle of the night, I hoped she wouldn't wake up and be scared, because lets face it, I knew what that was like _– but I wasn't sad, because Derek and I and Richard had spent a beautifully lucid day with her. I wasn't sure what to expect and I'll be honest, my mother scared me shitless most of the time – _but this one time, for this moment in time_ – my time with her was like a dream come true.

_In the end it was a perfect day of clarity and honesty and hope and forgiveness … and lets not forget … revelations of happiness._

**Chapter 27 to follow.**


	62. Chapter 27, Go, Part 1 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: At the time I wrote this piece, this band,**** Sparklehorse was new to me, listening again now, makes me remember just how much I like them. Their music is amazingly intelligent and this song is so fluid and dreamy, it's just one of those songs you can listen to no matter what kind of mood you are in and it kind of calms you ... give it a try.**

**I sincerely hope you enjoy this chapter! **

**Chapter 27 – Go**

Lyrics for Sparklehorse with The Flaming Lips – "Go" (with Daniel Johnston):

So you think you've found the one

And she knows just how you feel

And you say that she's for real and she's fun

Well, that's all well and good

That's just the way it should be

To understand and be understood is to be free

So I think that you should go

Go on ahead

Take her in your arms and be wed

Go go go go you restless soul, you're going to find it

Go go go go you restless soul, you're going to find it

Yes, life's a bowl of cherries

You can have as many as you can carry

And someone once said that life is like a cow

But I don't know how that applies

But anyhow here we are all on this planet

Taking everything for granted

But I think you've caught on to something

Don't let go

Go go go go you restless soul, you're going to find it

Go go go go you restless soul, you're going to find it

Oh, yes you did, you found it

Oh, yes you did, you found it

Oh, yes you did, you found it.

###

**Chapter 27 – Go – Part 1 of 3 **

Susan was gone. I breathed a sigh of relief, it helped that Cristina and Burke had arrived when she did … it seemed all the excitement surrounding their engagement kind of shortened her visit. I looked around the kitchen at all of the stuff she brought over – _it was a lot_ – a lot to process _and_ put away. Susan was nice and a good enough mom I would have imagined. But honestly, it was hard to take the attention she gave me _– and in some small way_ – it felt like too little too late.

_But who am I to judge? I am who I am and what's done is done – I played with the cards I was dealt – and lets face it, there was no way for me to change my history._

My mother floated in and out of my head for a second … I had been to see her three times since the day of the _'gift' _and I have to say I held my breath every single time – just _wishing and hoping_ that she would be – whole again. _Each time my heart shook like a leaf upon realizing she was still missing. _It hurt even more to know that I had no choice in the matter. Derek thought that over time I would probably heal from that one magical day and move on – _'heal with it and deal with it'_ –it was our new secret mantra, one Derek had coined.

I picked up a case of low fat yogurt cups and stuck a log of cheddar cheese under my arm and crossed the room to the refrigerator. I reached in and moved the beer to the side and slid the yogurt cups in and then the cheese on top of that… and that was it, I was finished.

I closed the door and turned around to find Alex standing in the doorway. He was wearing workout clothing, old sweats, a tee and a pair of beat up running shoes. His face was flushed, he had just come in from one of his runs, I presumed.

"Seriously dude, you better get back in there, Yang is about to go all balls out on Shepherd," he warned with a wicked grin _… and_ _he was only half-kidding._

"Let me guess he's gloating about sparring with the _'Legendary Ellis Grey'_ again?" I asked, smiling ear to ear. Alex snickered, his own enjoyment reaching his eyes.

"Yeah and he's about to get is ass kicked!" he exclaimed, crossing the small room to the refrigerator. He pulled the door open. "Whoa, is this for everyone?" he inquired, making note of the stocked shelves.

"Yeah, Susan, my … you know Susan – _my father's wife_ – she brought all this stuff over for us," I stuttered.

"Wow, she's really … trying," he managed to say, before he reached down to the bottom shelf and pulled a large cake box out. He gently placed it on the counter, only then did he breathe again.

"What's that?" I asked, crossing the room to him.

"It's a celebratory cake for _Burktina_," he waved a tired finger in the air. "Izzie baked it – _talk about an ass-kicking_ – if anything happened to this thing, she'd go ballistic," he sighed, looking at me. "Its _red velvet_ and apparently _the best cake there is_," he recited, mocking Izzie's intonation. He lifted the lid from the box.

_We leaned over and peered inside – and there is was, a classic Izzie-cake – my mouth watered. Screw Izzie and her damn cake … it was always so damn good! I heard ruckus laughter coming from the living room; Alex turned to me and smiled. _

"Looks good," I commented.

"It does," Alex sighed. "She knew they were coming by today, she has a shift, you know," Alex said wistfully.

_In the last few weeks I had noticed that Alex's demeanor seemed to soften around the edges when he talked about Izzie – his drawl became more relaxed, his eyes were confident and steady – it was true … Alex's restless soul had been comforted by love, much like mine had been. I realized he truly needed Izzie, and perhaps even more important, that it was okay with him. It seemed my dear friend and brother had grown and matured in my absence._

Alex looked over to me then, I felt his eyes on me for a split-second before I looked at him. "It's nice to have you back Grey," he said with a sigh.

"It's nice to be back," I replied.

"So, things are good with you and Shepherd," he stated the obvious. "I'm glad for you … he was a mess while you were gone," he offered.

"I know, we both were and now I understand him … his fear," I said quietly. "And _I'm_ understood…," I added said softly. "For the first time in my life, someone gets me and in some way I always knew he did," I said carefully, keeping my eyes trained on the countertop.

"I can see that," Alex offered, and for a second I wasn't sure which one of us he was talking about. "I used to be able to see both sides of your thing with him so clearly – _your desire for him and his secret made sense to me somehow_ – he acted out of fear and I got that. _Fear can make you crazy_," he said evenly, giving it all up now.

"I know," I replied with a smile. "You're deeply in love with her, aren't you?" I asked into the small space between us.

His eyes darted to mine, before he turned to get a stack of dessert plates from the curio cabinet against the wall. He turned around to face me. "Yeah," he admitted softly.

"I'm glad for you," I said sincerely from my same spot.

"I'm glad for you too," he said sincerely from his.

"Is this as huge as I feel it is?" I asked, slightly breathless as my mind jumped to Derek and then propelled itself to Izzie.

"I think so, yeah," he said, before walking over to the table with the plates. He set them down and sat down.

I pulled out a chair and sat across from him. "So, you think you found the one?" I asked, taking a deep breath, unwilling to break my hold on his brooding eyes.

"I think so," he said, he shook his head, lost for a moment perhaps and then he lowered his gaze. "Do you wanna know how I know?" he asked, staring at the stack of plates in between us – _silently daring me to say yes_ – a small smile playing along his lips.

"Yes," I answered, the wonder in my voice did not go unnoticed.

"Unconditional love," he said quietly, before raising his head. _I was struck by something then … some kind of déjà vu and by the look in Alex's eyes_, _I knew I was right._ "Yes, I talked to you about this … this idea, when you were gone," he answered my unasked question. All I could do was smile.

"I don't remember exactly," I said, unwilling to let myself think about my dreamscapes too much.

"That's okay, it was more for me, see the thing is …," his voice trailed off – _he looked beyond me to the door for a split-second_ – before his eyes locked on mine again. "What I'm gonna tell you right now – _it stays here, with you and me_ – you got it," he said in a harsh whisper.

"Alex, you don't have to … you don't –"

"Yeah, I do Grey … I do. Because even though you never answered me … _you were the only friend I had_. You listened; and whether you were awake or not, I knew it didn't make a difference," he said, keeping his eyes trained on mine.

"Okay then," I replied.

"You wanna know how I know … _she's the one because she gave up a kid, a daughter_," Alex said quickly, silence permeated the space all around us.

"When?" I asked.

"When she was sixteen, _but that's not the point_, the point is that – _she gave a child up _– and it was confusing for me … it was hard to hear at first. _That she was selfish in that way, it broke a small part of me, opened up old wounds,_" he admitted softly. "And then I realized my true admiration for her because – _I could have been that child_ – the one who was given up for something better; but I wasn't and my childhood sucked and _I know that you know_ what it's like to feel unwanted and unloved," he rambled on and my heart pounded away in my chest so rapidly it was the only thing I could hear.

"But Izzie, she cared …," I started to defend her.

"Yes, she cared – _she cared about that unwanted child_ – the kid who could have been me … she cared and she was a good mother, even at sixteen. _And then I changed the way I thought about her._ I wasn't angry anymore … I was happy for her girl because she was better off, and that's how I knew what …," Alex confided.

"Unconditional love is," I finished his thought.

"Yeah, unconditional love and in a strange way I almost love her more for it," Alex replied.

"I get it," I said softly.

"I know you do … and that's what I wanted to tell you – _to put your fears away because we made it through to the other side_ – despite what we had as kids, you _know_ how to love unconditionally Meredith, because even though Shepherd broke a small piece of you, you loved him still," he sighed, trying to reign his emotion back in.

"He's a good man … he's the one," I smiled, my waiting tears threatening to fall.

"Yes because you still saw the good in him and so did I – _when you were gone, he was beyond distraught, something was amiss deep within him, like he had seen the edge and backed away from it_ – but he cares Meredith and I know you're already with him," he smiled. "But I needed to stitch this up and move on from that time when you couldn't answer me," he said, pushing his chair away from the table. "I'm just glad you're back," he said as he stood up.

"Me too," I said as I stood. "And thanks for visiting with me and talking to me – _I did hear you, Alex_ – I really did," I reassured softly.

"I know," he replied. "I know," he repeated.

"What do you say to some red velvet cake?" he asked, before picking the plates up. "You can get the cake, just be careful with it," he teased as he walked out of the kitchen.

_And as I picked the cake up and followed my friend into the living room to celebrate yet another milestone, I realized we were finished, Alex and I. We were done with that restless soul search that began when we were young children. And he was right, we were on the other side of all that now, we had survived and lived beyond our childhoods and had arrived in the here and now without our restless souls, finally resting easy._

**Chapter 27 – Go – Part 2 of 3 to follow.**


	63. Chapter 27, Go, Part 2 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: I had no idea it's been so long since my last update for this story, my apologies! Also, for those of you following "True Colors", you can expect a new chapter this week too, sorry for the delays … real life and a "Bones" fic were kicking my tush. Thanks for the patience!**

**Chapter 27 – Go – Part 2 of 3**

Hours later I stood in the backyard watching Doc chase his tail … would he ever learn? I smiled, probably not. The weather was mild and the light sweater I was wearing had proved to be just enough. I turned towards the heat of the sun and I stood as still as I could for a brief moment, letting the strong rays of light warm me. _It was a nice morning, just hanging out with Cristina and Burke, it was something we had never done before and it felt surreal in too many ways to ponder._

I was happy to see that Derek was comfortable with Burke – _no daggers came out of his eyes and no punches were thrown_ – so maybe they would just peacefully coexist after everything that happened between them. Although I knew something was still missing from the entire picture because Derek seemed to hedge whenever Burke mentioned the Chief. For the moment all I could chalk it up to was Derek's unwillingness to dredge up what happened between them, but something told me there was more to it.

_Something made me feel uneasy – there was a tension that lingered just a tiny bit below the surface – and everyone, including Cristina, was trying to tread water and rise above it. I sighed, maybe it was because I was due to return to work in a few days, no doubt to be assigned to scut for an eternity … although like a miracle, Bailey promised me that wouldn't happen. So maybe they just wanted to keep the conversation light until I was back in the game – to avoid overwhelming me – but I had my doubts and those doubts would probably get the better of me … and soon. _

The more I thought about it, the more intrigued I was by Cristina's engagement and I secretly wondered if she and Burke would actually make it to the altar. _Hmm, this whole topic made me feel even more restless._ Suddenly, I couldn't help but feel the need to break away and do something different this afternoon – _I needed to get a grip, I needed to go, I needed to clear my head of all these conflicting thoughts_ – and only then did I have the perfect solution for how to do all that and more.

Doc scampered up to me with a stick in his mouth then; he dutifully dropped it at my feet. I smiled at him and he yelped in response. I leaned down and picked the wet stick up; I held my hand up. "Are you ready Doc?" I asked, he jumped up and barked. "Go get it then!" I exclaimed as I tossed the stick as far as I could.

I watched him take off for it and I smiled then because having Doc here with me now – _the way things are, is what I kind of envisioned it would be like_ – back when we first went to the shelter to choose him. _My how the passage of time had changed our circumstances, but I couldn't help but marvel at how I landed here … right where I always wanted to be. _Doc scurried up to the stick and grabbed it. "Way to go Doc!" I shouted; he only chased his tail in response though.

Cristina popped in my head then again … because I had to wonder if she was where she wanted to be. I had no doubt that she loved Burke, hell it took a lot for her to admit that, but did she really want to be married? Did she really believe in the idea of a marital union? I mean, I almost lost my cake when she said something about _'hiring a wife'_. Not that I should even be considering this idea with Derek right now – _but if I was going to marry him or anyone else for that matter_ – part of who I _would eventually become_ would be my husband's wife. It seemed to me that it was a perfectly natural progression because for those who _believe_ in marriage – _the idea of marriage transcends above all the labels that go along with it_ – so it becomes more about what it means to be someone's partner forevermore and eventually the labels are all but forgotten.

_And I know this was an amazingly poetic and tragically romantic stance for someone with my track record to take – except that now with my whole and healed heart – I fully believed in the truth of these ideals. I smiled; sometimes my growth astounded even me. A small gust of wind moved through the backyard and the leaves rustled and danced in response, I hugged myself, moving my hands up and down my arms … unwilling to let go of the moment._

I heard the back door open and shut and with that I smiled at Derek's beyond perfect timing. I turned around and watched as he walked down the steps. Doc barreled by me and happily greeted Derek. His happy yelps filled the air all around us. I listened to Derek praise Doc and watched as he leaned down on his knees and mussed with the soft fur behind Doc's ears. Doc barked in appreciation – _it was like watching a love affair _– they were so cute together and I marveled again at how I ended up in this moment with this life.

And even though my heart was smiling, for some un-Godly reason tears pricked my eyes, I just couldn't help it – _because I realized in this moment that this was it_ – I had gotten my life back and it wasn't too long ago that Cristina had to pull me out of bed! It felt like just yesterday I had plummeted, like it was just yesterday that I had whined to Cristina about Addison having it all – _Derek, my dog, my life_ – and now, just like that … _it was all mine again._

"What?" Derek asked as he straightened up and walked to stand in front of me, he pushed his fingers through my hair and held my skull in his hands.

"I want to get out of here this afternoon," I smiled, willing my tears away.

"Anything you want, we can go anywhere," Derek said, closing the microscopic space between us. "Kiss me," he said; his voice thick.

_He ducked down and I reached up, we met in the middle and I let myself get lost in the feeling of his lips over mine. I was so in love, so very much in love, it almost hurt how much my heart swelled inside my chest. Tears fell … was this really my life? Had we really made it to the other side like Alex professed? Derek wiped my tears away, his lips never leaving mine. _

"You're okay," he stated, just above a whisper.

"I'm more than okay … can we go over to your land?" I asked, my heart thumping at my request.

Derek shook his head and smiled. "You're ready for the ferryboat ride," he replied, again stating a fact more than asking a question.

"Yes, lets go," I said, reaching up to kiss him once more – _soft and quick_ – but bone-melting all the same.

###

The tires of Derek's car passed over the ferry threshold and I couldn't help but feel a sense of nostalgia wave over me – _this was truly surreal_ – being back out here with Derek after having developed such intense feelings for this place in my dreams. I had survived the ferryboat ride – _Derek held me close to him the whole time_ – making small smart ass remarks about how a ferryboat could _never really_ crash into anything, _'I mean really,' he said … 'how __did__ you think that one up'?_ I just smiled and hugged him with everything I had.

_For in a way, making this journey again was like another clean slate, for I had only really been on Derek's land one other time. In reality, I had no idea what to expect – I only knew what I still know in my heart – that I did fall in love with Derek Shepherd on that first and only morning we spent out here together and way down deep … I knew I really didn't need more than that to carry with me for always and forever._

Derek took my hand in his, gently pulling me from my reverie. He smiled and I squeezed his hand. "It feels like a lifetime since I have been out here," he mused quietly.

"Hmm, I know what you mean, everything's different this time," I said – _my mind wandered briefly to his betrayal_ – but I pushed it away, keeping my eyes trained on the dirt road in front of us instead. Derek rounded the corner and entered an unmarked driveway.

"Hmm," Derek sighed. "If I could take it all back, you know I would," he added, unwilling to let the moment pass without some reflection.

"I know," I said, raising his hand, I kissed the top of it. I smiled. "But that's history now and that's not why we're here," I said into his delicate skin. He sighed into the quiet car.

_Derek pulled up the trailer and turned the ignition off. Without hesitation, I released my seatbelt, opened the door and stepped onto the land. My sea legs vanished on first impact and I was quite literally grounded again. I looked up and through the overgrown Douglas firs and sighed … everything was very much like how I imagined it to be, only so much better!_

Derek walked around the car, his steps cracked the raw earth beneath his feet and it was the only sound I could hear. _The world had truly stopped again …our bubble swelled around us now._ Derek turned to me with a broad smile. His face freshly flushed from our ferry ride, his eyes sparkling with amusement, his worry lines all but gone. He looked carefree and I couldn't help but smile back at my lover.

"Why are we here then?" Derek asked, before he stepped one inch closer, his eyes dancing the waltz for me.

"To take a walk," I said quietly before I leaned in and kissed him. I pulled back and smiled, only to reach up and kiss him once more.

"A walk on the wild side?" Derek asked, his mischievous smile reaching his eyes.

"Something like that," I answered elusively. A chill ran down my spine, jerking my body slightly as it went.

"Let me grab some extra pullovers and some other gear and then we can go," Derek said, turning with my hand in his to head up the trailer steps. _Only I hedged._ It was so beautiful here, I just couldn't think about moving. _I spotted the water down at the edge of the clearing and my heart stilled inside my chest._ "Meredith? Are you coming?" Derek asked, tugging on my hand.

"No, you go," I said. "I'll meet you down by the water," I added as he released my hand.

"Okay, I'll just be a minute," he reassured before he turned to go inside and I set my sights on that shimmery water I saw once in a dream of mine.

I made my way through the clearing with relative ease and was at the water's edge in no time. The wind moved up and over me, sweeping through my hair and blowing it off of my neck – _I shoved my hands deep into my pockets in defense_ – suddenly I was chilled to the bone. I took a deep breath of the damp salty air and held it in my lungs for as long as I could before I had to release it back into the wild.

_The water was beautiful – not nearly as much as it was that morning with the mist rising from it as it burned off – but it was striking, unique, untouched and mystifying all the same. _

_I heard Derek's footsteps behind me and I turned around. He walked towards me; small echoes erupted from his careful footsteps. He had a small black hiking backpack over his shoulder and it stunned me that he looked as natural out here as he did in an OR fully scrubbed-in. I smiled as he approached. _

"Still like the view?" he asked as he came closer, remembering my love for this one spot. "Here," he said, pulling something from his jacket pocket. He reached up and fitted a black wool cap onto my skull. "Cute," he replied before he kissed me once with his cool lips.

I couldn't help but giggle. "Thanks," I replied, leaning in. I put my hands on his chest as he ducked down, before tugging at my lips.

"Welcome," he said into my mouth. "So, any idea where you want to go?" he asked. He pulled out another wool cap and pulled it down and around his head.

"Cute," I mimicked and he chuckled. I caught his eyes with mine and he just pressed his lips together.

"Do you want to show me why you bought this land?" I asked, secretly hoping his reason was more than just a desperate escape.

He only smiled and pulled me closer to him. He hugged me then – _in this single moment in time_ – with more real power than I had ever felt from him before. He pulled away, but not too far away, just far enough to catch my eyes and kiss my forehead. _He let his lips linger on my flesh for a moment before I heard a small stifle, just a wisp of emotion._ I didn't try to find his eyes again, instead I reached up and kissed the underside of his neck – _he smelled raw and fresh and familiar_ – I breathed him in and relaxed within our bubble and his embrace, I felt him do the same.

"I'd think I'd like that," he said, his voice soft with a hint of insecurity as he sighed. "Come on," he said, pulling back. He took my hand and we began to walk up and around the water's edge.

_We walked and walked for about ten minutes in a comfortable silence. It was truly a beautiful day and I secretly wondered how Derek felt the first time he came out here, was it like how I felt right now? Calm, full of peace and at home … was he too grounded by all the beauty that surrounded us? _

As we walked it struck me just how isolated this place was – _it was a place for dreamers, a place for sinners, a place for the restless_ – a place where anyone could find what they were looking for in life, or perhaps even more important: _to hide from it._

"Up here," Derek said, pointing up and over to a small group of trees.

We headed that way and after a minute or two of hiking up, Derek stopped in his tracks at a set of large gray boulders. _I took a deep breath of the elevated air and smiled._ I felt light-headed, but I had no care for that because I was perched along the edge of a clearing … one dangerously close to the one in my dreams. _I peered over the ledge and saw a field of bright green grass blowing in the wind and my heart stilled upon my vision._ I took a sidelong glance at Derek, he was lost – _deep within himself, his innermost self was on the verge of breaking through_ – emotion covered his face but had no place to go and neither did I.

I squeezed his hand. "Derek," I whispered into the wind.

_He didn't move from his spot. I put my hand in his. He squeezed it, keeping his eyes trained on the clearing below us. My lover was terrified. The wind whipped up and I felt it push us away from the edge … a warning perhaps. I held on tighter, unwilling to let go of the moment, his moment. He looked like he had seen a ghost._

I looked out over the horizon again and realized – _heaven was not meeting the earth like it did for me in my dreams_ – rather it was melded together, it was one in the same already. There were no clear lines … there was no division. Suddenly it was daunting and completely foreboding. A chill ran down my spine and it wasn't from the cold wind.

I shivered, Derek squeezed my hand again and only then did I hear him speak.

**Chapter 27 – Go – Part 3 of 3 to follow.**


	64. Chapter 27, Go, Part 3 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Just taking you off the cliff, quite literally, lol … thanks for your time, let me know how I'm doing here; it would mean a lot! **

**Chapter 27 – Go – Part 3 of 3**

_I looked out over the horizon again and realized – heaven was not meeting the earth like it did for me in my dreams – rather it was melded together, it was one in the same already. There were no clear lines … there was no division. Suddenly it was daunting and completely foreboding. A chill ran down my spine and it wasn't from the cold wind._

_I shivered, Derek squeezed my hand again and only then did I hear him speak._

"This is why I bought this land," he said, his voice so small, so uncharacteristically shallow that I immediately knew this clearing had brought us to another space and time entirely.

"Derek?" I choked out. He only pulled me into him, keeping his eyes trained over the earth and skies. I put my hand over his heart – _it beat wildly against my palm_ – rapid-fire style… he was lost and so was I.

"I felt completely alone in the world when I came out here, foolishly thinking I could start over. I looked at apartments in the city, but everything was too noisy, too populated and I was too miserable to allow myself to blend in," he sighed, rubbing his hand over the small of my back. "So, I found a land broker and much like Ernest Hemingway – _a man I both admired and connected with_ – I thought I could retreat out into the wilderness and somehow find myself much like he had done throughout his life," Derek sighed, I held on tight. "I was searching, reaching, restless … for something, for anything, for _anyone_ to save me from myself," he whispered, I felt his heart still under my palm. "The land broker brought me out here and I hiked around and came upon this very ridge and I thought … I thought long and hard that day," he choked out, barely audible now above the wind.

"But Derek, Ernest Hemingway …," I whispered into his chest, my voice trailing off as my heart lodged itself in my throat … _'killed himself in his country home …he was all alone', _I finished my thought silently_._

_Derek clung to me upon my realization. The wind picked up and pushed us away from the ledge again, giving a more forceful warning this time._

"I thought I would give this opportunity at Grace a chance – _this new life, this clean slate_ – I thought, I could do that and if it didn't work out … I could come out here and _lose myself_ and no one would ever miss me," his voice cracked and broke my heart in two. "I could disappear and I thought for just a second – _that day when I stood right here_ – I thought … _what's the point?_" he confessed, releasing the demons deep within his heart and soul.

"Oh, Derek … Derek, no," I pleaded softly into his chest, backing him away from the ledge – _my heart on fire, I held him close to me_ – desperately trying to connect with him.

_Derek turned his back on the ledge and the land and the skies and held on to me too … his hope, his savior. We took a couple more steps, below the boulders, the wind died down. I looked up and held his skull in my hands, relentlessly searching for that whole and healed man I loved and adored. I was struck by the angry deep, blue sea in his eyes._

"I wouldn't have done it, you know that – _but I had to pause_ – I had to contemplate what life meant to me," he offered as an explanation.

"I understand that … I put my hand on a bomb, remember?" I said softly, trying to connect my soul to his via his deep gateways.

_His tears fell and so did mine. And suddenly, we were reflections of each other once again, just like we were in Joe's that night we met. Except that now, we had no secrets, we finally had each other. And then all was quiet for a moment. My heart stilled as I looked at him, I wiped his tears away. And as much as I saw the residue of his deep pain in his face, I also saw the glimmer of the man who saved me … the man I saved in kind._

"And then I met you, the very next week and by the grace of some other power … we met again the day after that," he breathed and smiled in recollection. The storm in his eyes began to recede. I simply stared into them, unwilling to move a muscle, silently letting him know I wasn't going anywhere.

_Ever. _

"You were _literally_ drowning that night we met," I said softly. "You may have well been up here on this clearing," I added.

"But you saved me … you saved me," he answered ducking down; he pressed his frosted lips over mine. "Don't ever forget that," he said into the flesh of my neck as we held each other tight.

_But I pulled away – I felt torn, defeated, for I had lost the dream of this place – this land … the solace was heart breaking to me now. It saddened me to know the enclave of this land was truly nothing but a dream! I sighed and looked up to find Derek's eyes. I smiled tightly, unsure of what to do next._

"Meredith, what's on your mind, go on you can say it – _are you disappointed in me_ – in my lack of spirit?" he asked simply.

I urgently shook my head, _'No!'_

"Then what? You seem … it's something else; this place somehow meant something to you too didn't it? Talk to me Meredith, why are we really here?" he pleaded gently.

_Without another word, I turned and began to walk down and away from the heart-wrenching paradox of my dream and Derek's reality ... I needed to go – go far away from it – clear my head and ground my restless soul once again. _

_Derek held my hand tightly as we walked down, down, down … and only when I saw the beautiful water, the early afternoon mist shrouding it's glassy surface, did I begin to feel at peace. I watched the water hover over itself, the surface shimmering, glimmering under the bright white mist – greenish grey, blue, hazy violet – all mixed together … moving and shimmering, shimmering and moving. _

_We walked around the water, Derek following my lead as I bypassed the car and walked up the makeshift porch steps. We crossed the threshold of the trailer and he closed the door behind us. Only then did I embrace him within the confines of our bubble. His backpack fell to the floor._

_Derek pulled the wool cap from my head and held onto my skull with his cool hands. I felt the safe and warm within the solace of the trailer in the middle of nowhere … the trailer in which I first came to terms with my love for him and eventually called my home in a dream far, far away from here. _

_I pressed my hands against Derek's chest, his face pink from the cold outside air – his eyes wild with uncertainty – I pulled his wool cap off; his unruly hair sprang free and suddenly he looked youthful and untroubled. I smiled and shook my head. _

I was suddenly very hot, feverish as the warm air attacked my frigid skin. I took my jacket off and watched as Derek did the same. Heat pricked my cheeks, my heart raced at an unknown speed … _bang, bang, bang_. Derek reached out and put his wintry hands on my _hot-cold_ flesh … instantly cooling me down. Without thinking, I kicked my shoes off and pulled my sweater over my head. Derek watched me and did the same. The chiseled lines of his naked torso somehow even more defined in the dim light.

I shivered; the cool air attacked my skin through the thin fabric of my tank top. Derek folded me into the envelope of his arms and held me walked us backwards to the bed, sitting down on the edge; he undid the buttons on the fly of my jeans. He pulled them down and I stepped out of them. He pressed his cold lips to my belly, hooked his fingers into my panties and eased them down to my feet. My skin pricked with heat. He stood and pulled the quilt back for me … I slipped inside his bed. Derek took his bottoms off and joined me.

_We lay our heads on the same pillow, finding comfort in knowing our hearts were in the same place and our weary souls finally rested together again deep within our bond._

_I was warmed instantly as our bubble came down and encapsulated us for this moment in time. _

_Lying naked in bed with Derek was always the safest place to be._

"I really saved you," I said into the quiet all around us, still mystified by my own qualifier.

"You really did," he agreed softly.

_I smiled, scanning his eyes with mine. But I was stuck again and I needed Derek to help me figure out this range of conflict within my mind. I needed to somehow tell him what this land meant to me in my dreams because while I felt connected to this place …there was a very real possibility that he would never feel the same. Derek moved slightly closing the very small distance between us … cradling me, cuddling me, protecting me. _

"Tell me what's on your mind, please," he pleaded softly, moving his free hand through my wild hair.

_I took a deep breath in; I supposed I should start with the dream and make my way to the reality. _

"In my dream," I said, my voice shaking, I shook my head. "No, I can't," I sighed; my heart trembled in my chest. "I can't go back, we're in the here and now – _we let it go already_ – I can't," I pleaded, but Derek only drew me closer to him. He draped his leg over my hips, his body heat warmed me, calmed me.

"Yes you can, and it's okay, the ideas of your dreams have shaped how you feel. Tell me what happened …," he encouraged, his eyes laden with concern.

"We lived out here together," I smiled and exhaled a deep breath I didn't realize I was holding. Derek found my lips and kissed me then. A small smile played along his them when he pulled back. "And it was beautiful, it was a beautiful dream come true because I … I _loved_ you here first and you _loved_ this land," I said, my voice cracking.

_Tears of relief crowded my eyes; I pressed my head into the warm crook of Derek's neck, letting him consume me as I burrowed deeper and deeper into him. He quickly pulled my tank top over my head before he brought me flush against him, likely craving skin on skin contact – just like I was – he moved his hand in circles over the smooth flesh of my back and I relaxed a notch._

"It was that morning out here, _that one morning_, when you sat on that very chair right over there and watched the sunrise – _you didn't know I was watching you_ – do you remember? I almost slipped out my skin that morning," Derek said, his hot breath fanned the top of my head.

"I do remember it all so clearly and yes when I turned to you, in that moment I can say I fell for you Derek and I never looked back," I reassured, I locked my eyes with his_. _"I love you right now in this moment just as much, if not so much more," I confessed into the flesh of his neck. I turned my head up and plunged my lips on his over and over and over again. His hands found my hips. He pulled back, searching for something more.

"But I've made you doubt –"

"No. It's not that, no," I cradled his skull in my hands. "I'm just sad now because this place doesn't have the same meaning for you as it did for me," I said softly. "What I saw on that clearing was heaven and earth Derek – _a midpoint where anything was possible_ – an invitation for endless dreams! A place to build a house of dreams and you saw …," my voice trailed off, stuck in my throat, thick tears clouded my vision.

"You can say it Meredith, I'm not going anywhere," Derek soothed as he pulled me even closer, resting his hand on my heart muscle … _pound, pound, pound._

_I felt warm and safe and perfectly willing to be honest._

"But you saw heaven's gate, an escape from life … _a_ _jumping-off point_," I said softly, my heart ached in my chest over his pain, but I looked up and kept my eyes trained on his still, unwilling to move, unwilling to judge.

"It's true, I did. But after I met you I started living again. I walked and explored this land … and you're right, there are infinite possibilities out here," he said, his nose touching mine, his fingers dancing across my wet cheeks.

"You believe that now?" I asked, taking his lips into mine.

"I do, I swear," he said as he kissed me senseless. "I've never doubted again," muttered, his eyes catching mine for a flicker, he just held me there with him in the moment … and I believed him.

_I melted into my lover then and felt so blessed. So blessed that our paths crossed at all in the first place, for I had truly saved him and then he saved me right back._

_It was kismet._

_Meant to be. _

_Our fate._

_Our destiny. _

_For the rest of our lives._

_Derek's energy consumed me as he rolled on top of me and we kissed and melted into one another like we had all the time in the world … and we did. I felt free and loved and once again marveled at the magic of our perfect fit. Derek pulled away ever so slightly, less than an inch._

"Meredith, it won't matter where we are, you know, as long as we're together … we could be anywhere in the world … you'll see," he said softly, his hand resting on my collarbone, his lips on my shoulder. "Because there are countless ridges and clearings out here – _we have forty acres_ – we're bound to find something magical together," he professed, and way down deep, I believed him.

"Together," I said into his warm earthy flesh.

"Together," he repeated. "We'll find that place where heaven meets the earth … a place worthy of your _dream house_ –"

"No," I pressed my lips against his. "House of dreams," I corrected him, watching as his eyes caught mine and sparkled brighter than ever before.

_And with that, Derek reached down and pulled my calf up and over his hipbone. I shifted under him as he kissed me over and over with no sign of letting up. His hardening cock pressed against my hipbone … pressing, needing, seeking entry. I darted my tongue into his depths and let myself become lost in our enclave in the middle of nowhere once again. I closed my eyes and just felt him … all around me; his energy consumed me. Derek ran his lips along my collarbone and up to my earlobe; he kissed me there, grabbing the skin with his lips. Fresh goose bumps erupted over my flesh, I squirmed and he chuckled._

"_I love you__, no matter where we are,"_ I heard Derek mutter.

I kept my hands on the smooth skin of his neck; my fingertips nestled in his wild locks and held on tight. He broke away briefly and I caught his eyes with mine – _wordlessly professing my love and offering my consent_ – he only smiled in return as his warm capable hands moved down, pressing evenly on my pelvic bone, the tips of his fingers moving sinuously over my already slick folds.

"And I love you, no matter where we are," I repeated and smiled; locking my eyes on his as he slowly pushed his finger through my mound and into my soulful depths. I was wet and ready. "Hmm, I want you, please, fill me up," I husked as Derek removed his finger, he leaned down and kissed me then, his eyes crystal clear – _the storm had all but drifted out to sea_ – it seemed we would only follow it, and soon.

_I pulled Derek on top of me, he kissed me then, our arms, legs everywhere, we kissed, hugged, loved each other with desperation for a moment in time, I just wanted to touch and feel and … connect. He pulled back and hovered over me for a suspended moment in time before he leaned down and eased his perfect cock into my ready core. I covered him like a glove where I found his eyes and we let the world stop – 'I love you, I love you, I love you' – I chanted silently as he stole my breath again with his dancing, sparkling eyes ... that glimmer that was meant just for me! _

"I love you too, Meredith," he said into my into my ear, his hot breath breezed across my skin there and I felt his words fill every space in my body.

_I closed my eyes and opened my thighs wide, offering myself yet again as he began to move within me, slipping in and out with ease, filling me up with the perfect fit of his cock. I rocked my hips up and back and opened my eyes and looked up, I caught my reflection in the darkening skylight above us. I smiled and closed my eyes on that woman there (me) and wrapped my legs around my lover's waist, trying to add pressure to my already throbbing clit, I pushed up and into Derek's movements. I would need more … and soon! _

I felt his lips and fingers caress my nipples – _always tugging, always pulling, always playing _– I moved my hands to his skull and held him there, keeping his mouth over my taut peaks, hmm … I wanted more! I reached down and palmed his sack, I felt it tighten under my hand and I knew he was close – _he hovered over me then, I looked down and watched his cock plunge in and out of my pussy, he glistened with my sex, it was all I could smell, it was all I could see_, _it was all I ever wanted_ – I reached down and pressed my fingers over my hot swollen clit, hmm, just a little more, deeper, deeper!

"Meredith, I'm so close," Derek grunted.

_Keeping my fingers pressed against my nub, I looked away from our machine and up and into his beautiful eyes, he leaned down and into me and pressed himself deeper and deeper into my pussy and I watched as the crescendo of his orgasm spiraled out of control! That look of tortured pain mixed with pleasure covered his face … God I loved how he looked when he came! It took everything I had to watch him sometimes!_

"Derek!" I yelped as he banged into me with gentle force one last time, before he clenched his ass cheeks together and released his seed into me with everything he had while I clamped down and around him with everything I had!

_My orgasm pulsed through my body, my pussy clenching, my bones aching, my nerve-endings raw and tapped and completely sated._

_Derek's cock still nestled safely within me, we were joined … we were one._

_Suffused. Bonded. Tied. Linked._

_I held on to Derek and he on to me and I knew for certain, no matter where we ended up … that we would never let go and that I never wanted to be without him and I never, ever wanted to be saved by someone other than him._

_I let myself go on that realization; I relaxed into my lover, my soul mate, my angel, my savior, my fighter, my gift … my everything with more ease than ever before. I let my eyes close and let Derek's heartbeat lull me and keep me safe from harm … I was almost fast asleep when I felt him shift, his flaccid cock popping from my tired pussy. I felt empty, but then I felt the warm breeze of his breath against my neck and the soft timbre of his voice as it filled my heart and mind and I felt better._

"_I know you said no more whispering, but here I am doing it anyway … I love you Meredith … you're my lover, my soul mate, my angel, my savior, my fighter, my gift of life … my everything. And I need you to always know that and live that and keep that with you, no matter where we are in the world. Because I'll never forget my love, all that you've done for me and all that you are to me and will be … forevermore."_

I held on tight and I melted inside as small tears of happiness and utter joy filled my closed eyes – _slipping beyond my barriers now_ – I let them fall on truth of his words. Within seconds, I felt Derek succumb to sleep and only then did I open my eyes again … my reflection was there still. And then I smiled again, because there she was (_me_) – _the woman from my dreams_ – the confident, radiant woman who saved a broken man once – _only to fall head-over-heels in love with him_ – and live to tell about it. I let myself sleep then, covered in bliss, deep within our bubble in the trailer in the middle of nowhere – _our place, our souls_ – finally safe and sound.

_So in the end, with full confidence I believed Alex was right, that we had indeed crossed over to the other side of this life – the other side of all the fear and self-loathing we carried with us throughout our childhoods – and that now we are only left with peaceful hearts and fully rested souls. _

_That was all we had left to give … and what a gift it was. _

**Chapter 28 to follow.**


	65. Chapter 28, Change the World, Part 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: ****I truly hope you enjoy this part, the title of Eric Clapton's song "Change the World" kind of encapsulates the whole theme of this chapter as life resumes for Meredith and Derek. If you have the means, listen to it, you'll love it! And please ... leave a note for me, it would mean so much. Enjoy.  
**

**Chapter 28 – Change the World**

Lyrics for Eric Clapton's, "Change the World":

If I can reach the stars,  
Pull one down for you,  
Shine it on my heart  
So you could see the truth:  
That this love I have inside  
Is everything it seems.  
But for now I find  
It's only in my dreams.

And I can change the world,  
I will be the sunlight in your universe.  
You would think my love was really something good,  
Baby if I could change the world.

And if I could be king,  
Even for a day,  
I'd take you as my queen;  
Id have it no other way.  
And our love would rule  
This kingdom we had made.  
Till then I'd be a fool,  
Wishing for the day...

That I can change the world,  
I would be the sunlight in your universe.  
You would think my love was really something good,  
Baby if I could change the world.  
Baby if I could change the world.

I could change the world,  
I would be the sunlight in your universe.  
You would think my love was really something good,  
Baby if I could change the world.  
Baby if I could change the world.  
Baby if I could change the world.

###

**Chapter 28 – Change the World – Part 1 of 3**

"_He walked away … for you."_

Cristina's words rattled around in my mind like a pawn in a pinball game. I still couldn't get over it – _even now, hours later_ – it still hadn't settled within my body. It hadn't registered. We had been talking about Burke and his mother and their relationship. My take was that she would not win this fight … she simply had to set precedence that there wouldn't be a fight to be had. If she played into Mama Burke's hold on her son – _Cristina would forevermore be the woman on the outside looking in_ – but if she should stand her ground and gently give the woman a dose of her own medicine, Cristina would come out the winner because she would be seen as someone strong enough or worthy enough for Burke to be with and for him to make concessions for … and that's when the conversation turned to my relationship with Derek and his apparent ability to make compromises for me.

I stood at the window wall and watched as the wind died down; the trees swayed to a slow dance tempo against the more variable wind that remained _– the momentum of the storm all but gone now_ – only to be replaced by the changes and momentum of our lives. I leaned back on the railing and squinted up and into the window – _the sky was a brighter gray_ – yes, the darkened sky had become a shade or two lighter on the gray scale since I had arrived up here. I ducked my head down to look at the time; Derek should be here within the next few minutes – _my heart pounded, I just needed to talk to him_ – he would be here soon enough.

"_He turned it down … for you."_

I looked back through the window and marveled at everything that had happened to put me right here, right now – _back at Grace, whole and healed_ – waiting for Derek, the true love of my life, right out in the open with nothing to hide. _Yes, life was moving and changing and we were flowing with it like the natural currents of the water._ And after that day out on the clearing together, things rapidly fell into place for us. For me, it somehow solidified all that we meant to one another … that we had been and continued to be each other's life preservers. And even though Derek explained to me long ago that he was drowning and I had saved him – _I think I only believed him with half of my heart_ – because that was all I had left at the time.

For he broke me through and through with his deception, but everything I know _now_ and have since-learned about Derek– _just somehow softened the blow of his deceit_ – because I really did mean something to him, even back then … _I meant something to him_. And in the end, I was the one who gave Derek something no one else could … _I gave him_ _hope._

_Tears pricked my eyes – I had hope and I gave hope – yes, momentum and change were certainly in the air._

I kept my hands on the railing and closed my eyes for a split second, letting those tears seep back into my eyes without letting them fall to my face. I looked down and checked the time again … Derek had paged me ten minutes ago, he was out of surgery, but what was keeping him? We returned to work only a few days ago and already my stamina had become stronger and I was hopeful to get back into the OR again within the next few weeks, although, truth be told, with the interns' exam right around the corner, I was happier than hell to have the extra time with light duties.

It also gave time to adjust, time to align my personal and professional hopes and dreams – _for now that I was in a lasting relationship _– I had more to consider than just my career, oh, so much more. I let my mind rest on my mother now and instead of feeling a pit in my stomach – _I somehow felt more at peace _– knowing that I would hopefully be living out everything she wanted for me and for herself. I couldn't help but smile, even with tears filling my eyes; I just couldn't help but smile … _because I had hope. _And that list could go on and on – _my list of hope, that is_ – it didn't just begin and end with me, because suddenly I had enough hope to spread around.

_Hope that lunch with my father later today would go smoothly and that I wouldn't need someone to come and rescue me from this disastrously uncomfortable social situation._

_Hope that my patient down in Bailey's clinic would find relief from her persistent hiccups. I mean, who knew hiccups could be so … persistent? _

_Hope that Cristina knew what she was up against with Mama Burke, who was due to arrive any day to kick the wedding plans into high gear … wedding plans Cristina wanted nothing to do with._

_Hope that we all passed this fucking interns' exam! And extra hope that those 'legendary' flash cards Callie Torres gave to George would work for us …and that the date he agreed to go on with her (in exchange for said cards) would go well. _

_Hope that my mother was resting comfortably today. She was still missing of course; it was just daunting sometimes – the disease left very little room for my new found partiality for this word – hope._

_And lastly, I had hope of course that Derek's dear friend Helen had made it out of her surgery._

I also had hope, that if for some reason she didn't, I would be able to offer some kind of reassurance to Derek. For he was worried about the surgery, I could tell. And his feelings were validated, I got it … he had been out of the OR for a while now _and_ he was vested with her. She is his friend – _he wasn't without hope_ – he was just concerned. _I sighed, it was selfish really, my deep-rooted reason for wanting Derek to "save" Helen._ I shook my head then, it was selfish because on some level, I felt guilty.

Derek had been out of the OR for _five_ weeks, which is tantamount to retiring for some surgeons or like death to others. I so desperately wanted Derek to feel the miracle of saving his patient, his dear friend Helen –_if for no other reason than to confirm that taking time off to be with me didn't change things for him in the OR_ – for if he lost his edge, I would be hard-pressed to forgive myself.

"_He changed his future … for you."_

I leaned back on my elbows and took in the brightening sky once again, hopefully the stormy weather would be completely gone by the time I was off tonight, then this stupid lunch with my father would be over and I could just get home, take a bath and try to decompress. I wouldn't know how to explain this if I tried, but seeing my father – _extending this olive branch, still felt like a betrayal to my mother_ – even though it was my mother's love for Richard that turned her away from my father in the first place. I could say my crappy childhood was all her fault, or I could blame my father or even Richard, but what would that prove now? _I still had a crappy childhood; I still have to nurse those old wounds._ No, it doesn't make perfect sense, for I am still stuck in the middle and I still wish (_with my whole heart_) that – _someone,_ _either one of them, anyone _– would have put _me_ first. And then I smiled.

_Because I realized right here, right now … it seemed someone finally did … Derek did. _

I looked up and spotted him then via a small slice of my peripheral vision – _the man who stole my heart when I wasn't even looking, the man with the world's most perfect hair and timing_ – the man who gave it up, a surgeon's pinnacle, the zenith … _for me_. He quickly walked towards me carrying a coffee cup in each hand – _he looked tired, worn even_ – but in no way pensive … or distraught. All good things – _my heart pounded as I smiled and locked my eyes with his_ – he cocked his head with typical McDreamy fashion and made his way to me.

"Light blue scrubs never looked so sexy," he teased, adding a suggestive tone to his voice.

He came to stand in front of me and without looking around I reached up and kissed his lips – _once, twice_ – he tasted of coffee and smelled like antibacterial soap … hmm, _'work Derek'_. I took a step into his personal space and felt him move the coffee cups to his sides to make room for me. I deepened the kiss then – _just a touch and darted the tip of my tongue into his mouth_ – craving a moment longer to breathe him in. Derek moaned slightly and I pulled away.

"You have said this before," I teased, watching as his smile reached his eyes. He held out a coffee cup for me.

"A mocha latte for you," he smiled as I took the cup, he kissed me once more. "And before you ask, _Helen is fine_, it was risky, but she's going to be fine," he said enthusiastically in between kisses. "She'll live a long life and be cancer-free," he added, a small smile played along his lips as he pulled back. I could see so much more in his eyes now though – _I saw relief and satisfaction too_ – and that made all the difference for me. I leaned up and kissed him once more for good measure.

I turned my attention back to the changing skies. My mind reeling with all that I really wanted to say to him. _I wanted to put it all out there; I wanted him to talk to me about all that went on while I was gone._ Derek turned and stood next to me and we watched the more mild weather outside for a moment – _just standing together_ – our forearms touching, sipping our hot drinks. It was all so ordinary – so_ peaceful, we could have been overlooking the water out on his land_ –everything felt aligned in that moment. Both of us back at work, one of us back in the OR. I smiled and looked over to watch him for a moment. Derek turned his head to me then and smiled. I reached down and took his hand in mine, always amazed by our perfect fit.

"I was worried about you," I said evenly. "About how you would feel if Helen didn't make it," I confessed.

"Hmm, but she did … and the surgery went very well," he said softly. He took a sip of his coffee. "I have to say, it was great to be back in the OR, it really was – _I missed it, just everything about it_ – now all we have to do is get you back in there," he smiled genuinely.

"I'm glad for you and my time will come," I said, taking a deep breath. I looked back at the dwindling storm, perhaps for encouragement. I stilled my heart. "Derek," I whispered into the space around us, watching as his happy eyes danced with the dim outside light, no doubt reflecting on the success of his surgery.

"Hmm, yeah?" he asked, turning to me again. He took a sip of his drink and smiled. I took a long sip of my mocha … maybe Derek's eyes united with the chocolate and caffeine rush would make my hesitation magically disappear. Derek moved closer still, never moving his eyes from mine.

"I was hoping you wouldn't feel differently or out of your comfort zone … I'm happy that all time you took off with me didn't change things for you in the OR," I said cautiously, I smiled and so did he, but I saw a hint of wonder in his eyes that surprised me.

_In an instant Derek had turned his back to the window wall and stood directly in front of me. His eyes scanned mine – back and forth, dancing happily now – as he effectively boxed me in. I could feel his body heat radiate out from him and warm me in a way that only he could, and I wasn't even chilled!_

"But everything did change Meredith," he whispered, leaning closer. I closed my eyes, only to open them again, finding Derek right where I left him. He leaned in and kissed me and I kissed him right back. "Come on," he said, taking my hand with the exuberance of a child.

"Where are we going?" I asked as Derek all but pulled me along towards the doors to the interior of the surgical wing.

"Don't you trust me?" he snickered mischievously, only to step up his pace.

We walked through the double doors and headed down the hallway. I tossed my coffee cup into a trashcan as we walked. We rounded the fourth floor Nurses' Station and before I knew it Derek pulled me into an on-call room there. He dropped his coffee cup into the trashcan, closed the door and locked it behind us. We were alone. He slipped his lab coat off and tossed onto a nearby chair. He walked behind me and pulled mine off, tossing it as well. Derek pressed tiny sticky kisses to my bare flesh from my earlobe down to the neckline of my scrub top. My skin pricked from heat after the first touch from his lips … flutters formed in my belly as I leaned back into him, my lover, my _everything_.

"You didn't answer my question," he said into my neck. I turned around, eying him with curiosity, but he only pressed his lips together and said nothing. He sat down on the bottom bunk and pulled me down. We turned to each other and I jackknifed my knee to move even closer to him. I put my hand in his. "Don't you trust me?" he asked again.

"You know I do … you know that," I leaned in and kissed his coffee-lips. "I just, I want you to have everything you ever wanted – _and if somehow things between us changed that for you or took something away from you_ – it wouldn't be fair, that's not what living the second chance is supposed to be about Derek," I rambled breathlessly, unable to clearly say all that was on my mind.

_Storms. Change. Momentum. Derek. Chief of Surgery. Saving Lives. Free Clinics. Fathers. Mothers. Daughters. Sons. Derek. Balancing Acts. Flash Cards. Storms. Change. Momentum. _

Derek only moved closer – _his proximity almost stifling, suffocating me_ – and not at all in a bad way. He leaned in and so did I. He smiled and so did I. His eyes sparkled in the dim light of the room. We kissed and I melted, soft and warm and full of coffee and love. "I love you," he said as he pressed his lips over mine, his hands in my hair.

"I love you too, but I don't want any regrets Derek, we can't afford them," I said, kissing him once more, my heart fluttered deep inside my chest. He pulled away, ever so slightly.

"Someone told you I turned the Chief of Surgery position down?" he asked, pulling me closer, he placed his hand over my heart – _thump, thump, thump –_ it raged against his palm.

"Yes. Cristina did," I whispered. "She's sorry by the way," I chuckled, Derek's eyes came to rest on mine, they were glassy. He smiled weakly.

"I wanted to wait to tell you about that," he said with reflection, the same weak smile played along his lips, his hand still resting over my heart, calming me.

"Why?" I asked, inching closer, craving proximity, even though I was almost sitting on his lap.

"Because I wanted you to be whole and healed and back at work," he breathed, taking my head in his hands. "I didn't want you to feel how you're feeling right now," he said before brushing his lips against mine.

"And how am I feeling?" I asked, my voice caught in my throat.

"Like I gave something up for you," he smiled my eyes instantly thick with tears (_my God, he really gets me_), I looked down, it was hard to hear – _that he put me first –_ over this amazing thing, this opportunity. Derek gently lifted my head up with his fingers. "Look at me Meredith," he pleaded, his own voice hoarse now. I looked up to find him and he was there, again, just where I left him.

"I can't believe you would do that for me," I whispered, barely able to hear myself over the beat of my heart. "That you would give that up – _you didn't even know I would come out of the coma_ – Derek, how could you?" I cried and tears fell, I made no move to wipe them away, I simply leaned into him instead.

_Derek pulled me into him then, I rested my head over his heart – it was beating at about the same pace as mine – but he seemed calm, collected, and dare I say, resolute. His hot breath fanned through my hair and down neck, my skin pricked with heat. His heart beat on and on and on and it somehow clouded every morsel of my brain, but I heard my voice, still._

"How could you give all that up for me before you knew … before you knew I would love you like I do?" I pleaded once more … it just didn't seem possible. "How could you give that up?" I asked one last time, my mind just wouldn't stop. Derek sighed, his heartbeat slowed down.

"I thought about it, for a split-second, I did … I paused, because I wanted that job, so badly – _at one point or another _– I did, but when I think of it now, I can only think of everything I would have given up if I took the position," he said softly, his heart raced against my ear, but he didn't move an inch. "It wasn't meant to be Meredith, don't you see … I just needed you more_ – even if you never opened your beautiful green eyes again – _I would have still needed you _more_," he heaved.

_And then everything stopped … the world eased away as I listened to the drum of his heart and let myself get lost within our bubble. Yes, everything was perfectly still … still perfectly aligned for us. _

_I pulled away first only to crash my lips upon his, I held his skull in my hands and kissed him with all the power I felt in me because he deserved it, to somehow feel my energy because words were simply not enough … not nearly enough for me to express my deep love for him._

_No, there were no words; there was only love._

"I love you," he said into my mouth. "And I knew you would pull through," he chuckled before he kissed me again. "You're the strongest person I know, Meredith," he whispered, holding my skull in his hands, he kissed my eyes closed.

"I love you Derek, so much," I said, still unwilling to open my eyes. Instinctually I leaned in and brushed my lips against his warm ones.

"I didn't want to live with regret and I would have regretted not being there for you – _taking a chance of not being able to be there when you woke up_ – not being the man you always wished I was," he sighed, I held on, my eyes still closed.

"You couldn't have known how this was going to work out," I said into the space in between us.

"I didn't have to know … I had a dream, remember?" he said, and only then did I open my eyes. I pulled back and found him smiling.

"I remember," I said, I was already miles away, deep in my subconscious, putting the pieces together. "You did, a dream in which I would tell you that you're an idiot when you're wrong, but that I would love you anyway," I said, hardly believing I remembered what he told me whilst I was coming out of the coma.

"Yes!" he laughed. "You heard me," he said as he pulled me into him again.

"I did," I said into his chest.

"It wasn't meant to be Meredith, Chief of Surgery, it wasn't part of my path," he smiled and I knew he was telling the truth. "But I'm right where I should be now – _you'll always be more than enough_ – do you remember that too?" he smiled. "You'll always be enough," he said softly. I looked up to find his sparkling eyes in the dim light. Derek leaned down and kissed me, light and soft at first, and then without warning heat and passion filled the space all around us.

"You will be too," I said as I pulled back. "You'll always be enough," I smiled.

Derek's pager shrieked out, pulling us out of the outpouring of intimate feelings and back into our reality. He snapped the pager from the waistband of his scrubs. "Post op tests for Helen are in, I gotta go," he said as he stood. He held his hand out for me and I took it. "Are you headed back to the clinic before you have lunch with your father?" he asked.

I took a deep breath and smiled. "That's the plan," I replied, Derek grabbed my lab coat and held it out for me. "Always a gentleman," I laughed as he helped me on with it.

"Something like that, come on, I'll walk you down to the elevators," he said as he reached for the lock on the door. Only he hung back for a moment, turned his head to the side, I took his hand in mine and he pulled me into him. "Are you happy – _besides agreeing to meet your father, which I will come for if you want me to_ – are you happy?" he rambled.

"Yes, yes, I am," I smiled, leaning up. "Kiss me," I ordered gently, before I reached up and circled my arms around his neck. I took a deep breath of our air in before he covered his lips over mine.

And as I kissed Derek on our words, our bubble swooped down and housed us – _just like it always did, just like it always would_ – and I hoped, yes, there's that word again, I hoped our honesty would always mean something and that we would always talk about our dreams and hopes and near misses too. Because Derek was right, sometimes the timing was off, sometimes there was nothing we could do to change our destiny, our fate – _but then I smiled inside and melted a little too_ – because there were also times when we did wield all the power we needed to make the sum total of our dreams become our reality.

_And that time was upon us._

**Chapter 28 – Change the World – Part 2 of 3 to follow.**


	66. Chapter 28, Change the World, Part 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks again for those who are kind enough to leave a note, your words and thoughts mean so much, so keep them coming. Enjoy.**

**Chapter 28 – Change the World – Part 2 of 3**

I stared into my locker and then glanced down at my watch. Fifteen minutes, in fifteen minutes I would be having lunch with my father, which almost sounded too ridiculous to ponder. How is it that I keep asking myself this question: _"How did I end up here, at this moment in my life?"_ How did I end up here, staring inside my locker – _frozen with fear_ – looking for something, _anything_ to still my shaking heart? I took a deep breath and sat down on the bench, I just needed a minute, just a minute longer before I could actually walk away from the safety and privacy of this moment and into the insecurity of the unknown. Why did this have to be so hard, why did my heart feel like a miserable black hole whenever I let myself think about how I felt when my father left me. Tears pricked my eyes, I looked up and into the line of the fluorescent lights above me, they became – _blurred, blended, blurred, blended_ – the silos were dismantling again and it hurt like hell.

I stifled a sob then and it was so deep, it kind of rumbled around in my belly, wreaking havoc on my internal organs – _there was no place for it to go and the wound was old, ancient, but it felt like it was brand new_ – so new, who could tell where it came from? Most likely that secret place I locked down long ago – _my chest tightened_ – I closed my eyes tight against it the rage within my body. _Lock it down again, push it away, you don't need it, you don't need it … you've moved on, I coached myself._ And as much as I knew how all of that was true, I still felt it – _for the pain of my childhood was part of me_ – part of my DNA.

I shook my head and looked down, my tears fell and my PDA buzzed on my hip. It was a text from Derek … again with his perfect hair and perfect timing! I wiped my face off so I could read his message and suddenly smiled – _because that's what Derek brought to my life_ – smiles and sunshine and happiness. I didn't even have to read his text to know I would instantly feel more grounded, no matter what his words were, he just did that for me he made me feel whole and complete and loved.

**D. Shepherd. Neuro-Head:** _do you need me? _

I smiled as I typed my reply.

**M. Grey. Surg. Intern:** _i'll always need you_

I sighed and waited for his reply, unable to wipe the smile from my face.

**D. Shepherd. Neuro-Head:** _do you love me? _

I laughed out loud; he was so ego-driven it was insane! And adorable … he was adorable!

**M. Grey. Surg. Intern:** _forever and ever_

I pressed send and stood up from the bench. I pulled my lab coat from my locker and slipped it on. I looked down for Derek's reply.

**D. Shepherd. Neuro-Head:** _you can do this, page me if you need me for the lunch (or for sex)_

I read his reply and laughed big again … he really did know how to cheer me up!

**M. Grey. Surg. Intern:** _like I said before, __i'll always need you (for sex), xo_

I snapped the pager back to my waistband, walked to the mirror and took a long, hard look at my reflection. _I was a grown woman, I could do this and survive it and then __go home with Derek later! I was a grown woman and Ellis Fucking Grey's daughter; surely I could do this!_ I turned away from the mirror, crossed the room and headed out the door to get this thing done.

The nervous flutter swirled around in my belly again, but I just chalked it up to a normal feeling, I mean … this was normal, for me to feel completely ill at ease. I knew how I felt – _I still harbored a lot of anger over what my father did to me and how he left me, even though he saved me by signing those papers, even though he read to me while I was gone_ – I still needed to move on from a time when I was a five year-old abandoned girl. I didn't necessarily want to forgive and forget; I just wanted to start over. And when it came down to it, that was the only thing we could do, for my father and I knew nothing about each other.

_We had nothing; we were at ground zero here. I took a deep breath; I was on a mission now! _

I rounded the corner and thought to take the stairs, but my blood ran cold when I saw him ... my father out of the corner of my eye. Yes, there he was … plain as day. I hung back and watched him as he stood at the OR Board. I was supposed to meet him downstairs and I wondered for a second why he was up here at all. Daring myself to move, I walked up and stood next to him. He didn't see me … he seemed so … lost. I could see his eyes scanning – _back and forth, back and forth_ – what was he doing? Looking for my name, perhaps?

"I spent years studying this board. Holding a crying baby, trying to get an idea when my wife would get out of surgery. Appy takes about an hour. Anything with the word 'cardio' and I know not to plan on seeing her at all that day," he rambled on, a layer of sarcasm laced within his words. I just watched him. "Nothing has changed, I know we were supposed to meet downstairs, but … I um, I found myself coming up here instead and now we're both here … studying this board," he sighed. "But she's not here for us to wait for anymore and …," he laughed nervously and turned to me.

I moved my eyes from the board and found his – _they darted around mine for a second longer before they landed on mine_ – his cloudy hazel eyes stared back at me, so intensely then.

"Do you want to just go, we could go or we could get coffee and just stay up here," I said, offering my fair share of a ramble. _My stomach turned, God I hated this!_

"No, lets go, we should go … away from here," he said quietly.

"Okay," I said and we turned away from the board and headed to the elevators and what was sure to be a disastrously uncomfortable meal.

###

Half-eaten salads, forks, knives, napkins, and water bottles crowded our table as we sat in the back of the cafeteria, away from all the hustle and bustle. We were nothing but two strangers, sitting together – _which was nothing_ – if not incredibly sad. My stomach turned again. I glanced up and found my father watching me. He smiled weakly.

"I think I should say some things to you, but I don't know where to start – _well, actually I do_ – Meredith, I'm …," he sighed, losing his words or maybe even his nerve.

"Um you know what, Susan told me –"

"I know, but I need to tell you too," he chuckled nervously, his eyes tired and worn; he looked like he was heavy, consumed, lost. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for …," his voice trailed off, my heart trembled. "I wish I did everything differently, I wish I could go back and change everything, change your world," he pressed his lips together while I fought the urge to look away from him.

"Me too," I said, still unwilling to look away.

"I have no excuses Meredith, you were my baby, my child," he sighed in frustration, he looked away, a small knife pierced my heart. "The man I am today, with Susan, he would have never done that … I will always have this immense regret," he finished, his eyes were glassy and much to my displeasure he was becoming fuzzy around the edges.

_Damn them!_

I looked away and swiped a napkin from the table; I blotted my eyes. I brought it down and held it in my lap; it was damp from my tears.

_Damn them!_

I tried to recover quickly, but insurmountable pain filled me up anyway, seeking any open space within my body – _the pain and loneliness of abandonment was fresh, raw and new_ – like I had never healed. I may as well be five years old again.

_Damn them!_

Even hearing him apologize meant nothing because I didn't know him, I didn't know if his word meant something to me or even anything to him! And then I thought, maybe I should find out. I took a deep breath.

"The man you are today, what would he do?" I asked, rolling the napkin in my hand.

He chuckled, shaking his head. "He would have fought for you, for your rights, he would have never left you with your mother," he said pointedly, I twisted the napkin in my hand, twirling it tight. "And I know she can't defend herself now, but I can tell you, that today – _I would have never left you with her_ – I would have taken you with me instead," he said softly, his eyes met mine, I scrutinized him then and I felt there was an air of truth to what he had offered.

"We used to have fun, you and me," I said in recollection, I looped the napkin around my pointer finger.

"Yes, we did," he agreed.

"How did you do it? Leave me then?" I asked, my heart shook with fear, but still, I was mystified by my own bravado.

"I don't know," he said, averting his eyes for a moment of relief from my knowing glare.

"You had other children after me, you had Susan, you were happy and you had to know I wasn't!" I said with quiet desperation into the space between us.

_My heart banged into my chest. I spread the napkin over my thigh, wiping the dew from my palms with it – it was crinkled, it wouldn't lay straight – I smoothed it down anyway, forcing it. God damn it!_

"I did, you're right, I knew that," he sighed. "I was broken … I … I have no excuses, I was a miserable son of a bitch for what I did to you," he stammered.

"I would agree," I said coolly, I raised my eyebrow at him. This whole thing made me steam inside.

_A dreadful silence lay between us now. But then he looked up and smiled, a flash of recognition crossed over his face – he was stunned, shocked perhaps – but he looked like some of his fear dissipated, his deep river of worry lines were somehow flooded over. I poked a hole in the napkin and twirled it tight around my finger._

"What?" I asked expectantly.

He looked at me still, never moving his eyes, for once they were quiet, it was like the storm had gone out to sea. "I'm proud of you Meredith," he said softly, truthfully.

My heart trembled like the aftershock of an earthquake _– tremor, rumble, shake_ – my hands shook; I tightened the tourniquet of the napkin around my finger … anything to steady their movement.

"Why?" I asked, my voice stuck somewhere in my throat.

"Because you're so strong – _you have a fire like your mother_ – but you're lovely too and smart and kind, and I bet you're one hell of a doctor," he replied quietly – _a hint of deep sadness seeped into his voice_ – his eyes became glassy. I held the napkin around my finger – _grip, grip, grip_ – hold it down, lock it in.

"I am … all of those things," I said with an air of defiance – _shoving it to him, quietly telling him I didn't need him and I never did_ – but in truth, deep down I always knew my parents betrayals made me who I am today. And if I am all of those things, I should own it, own all of it enough to walk away from it and leave it in the past where it belongs, because all I really needed was my future … with Derek.

_I looked down and eyed the mangled napkin. I unwrapped my finger from its binding and crumbled it into a ball. __I held napkin-ball tight in my hand._

"Meredith?" he asked, I looked up.

"Yes," I answered.

"I think you're waiting for me to blame your mother," he sighed. "But I won't, I don't want you to be stuck anymore," he offered sadly. "It wouldn't be fair for me to put it all on her, certainly now that she's not able to defend herself …but I was …," his voice trailed off. _I loosely held the napkin-ball in my hand. I just let it be. It was still mine; I just didn't need to clutch it. _"But she really broke me, demoralized me, she was tough, diligent, harsh," the words tumbled from his mouth and once the first crack was made, I watched in horror as pieces of him fell as he spoke. "And I … I was no match for her, except I should have been," he sighed heavily. "I should have been man enough to stick around," he finished.

"I would have to agree with that too," I said, my voice completely stuck.

He should have waited for me, fought for me and he knew it, but he didn't forget about me – _in all likelihood he was tortured by me, or the memory of me_ – much like I was by him. I sighed, I was exhausted, there was simply nothing I could do to change what happened, so I just needed to let go, really let go.

_I took the napkin-ball and placed it on my tray next to my salad container. I had no need for it now. I gently pressed my hand over it._

"Are you finished," I asked, looking up, a look of sheer alarm crossed over his face. I smiled, silently sparring with him. "I meant with your lunch," I added.

He smiled. "I think so," he said, closing his salad container.

We stood and cleaned the table off. I took my tray from the table and carried it to the trashcans. I held the tray up to the opening and watched the contents of my lunch – _along with the mangled, tear-stained napkin-ball of my childhood_ – slide into the garbage. Right where it should be. I smiled. I turned around to find my father waiting for me. Wordlessly, we walked out of the cafeteria to the elevators.

"What do you want out of this?" I asked before I called for the elevator.

"For you to have peace in your life," he sighed, resting his hand on my forearm. He shifted on his feet. "And for the next time we meet, for it to be a little easier," he chuckled nervously. "I know I don't deserve it, but I sure wish we could try to get to know one another," he sighed.

"That's all we can do … try," I said elusively. I pushed the button, my heart resting easier now.

The elevator came and a bunch of people began to shuffle off. I held my hand out, it was the best I could do. "Thank you for lunch," I said softly.

_I couldn't hug him, not yet, maybe never, but not just yet._

He took my hand in his; it felt warm and completely familiar. "Susan said she would be in touch about walking Doc or taking him sometimes while you're all working," he stated, releasing my hand. He stepped towards the threshold.

"Yes, we spoke about that, we'll talk," I said softly as he turned around.

"Yes, we'll talk," he said before he stepped inside. He smiled weakly as the doors closed and I stood still in my same place.

_I did it. I did it. I did it, was all I could think._

I turned then and made to head to the stairs. I walked through the double doors and out along the walkway, the window wall to my left. I stopped at the midpoint and looked out of the expansive windows and spotted my father walking out to his car. I watched him shuffle; he pulled a cell phone from his pocket, no doubt calling Susan for reinforcements. I smiled, just a fraction, a small smile as I watched him go.

"So, he's gone then?" Bailey said as she came to stand next to me.

"Yes, gone with the storm," I said, glancing at her. I watched her smile tightly.

"So, you did it, you survived," she stated.

"I think so, yes," I said softly, keeping my eyes trained on the sky in front of us. "It all seems so much more bearable because I'm happy, or I don't know, knowing I won't be alone at night, knowing Derek's in it with me, does that sound soft to you?" I wondered.

"No and that's because it's the truth," she replied.

"Is that what you told Derek when he was offered the Chief of Surgery position?" I asked candidly. Her eyes swooped in my direction; only then did I turn to her.

"He told you?" she asked incredulously.

I smiled. "No, Cristina did, but that doesn't matter," I said. "I assume you and Derek spoke about this and if it was in confidence, it's fine, I was just curious," I stammered, her big brown eyes scrutinized me.

"Meredith, well …," her voice trailed off, she was choosing her words, no doubt. "Derek was … a mess while you were gone. The Chief encouraged him to keep himself in there as a candidate and it was hard on him. He was torn," she explained. My heart thumped away, steady, steady. "And then he was the top pick, the best for the job and then he paused, he thought about it –"

"For how long," I interjected.

"Sorry?" she asked.

"For how long did he pause, a week, a few days, two weeks?" I asked. She looked at me quizzically. "I'm just trying to gauge if I should do something about this – _try to somehow get him to reconsider or go after the job_ – because if he thought long and hard and really wanted it, I don't want him to live with regrets…," I sighed.

She chuckled. "Try a couple of hours," she said in recollection. My breath caught in my throat. "And as far as living with regrets, I think the moment you survived that explosion, Derek started living again. He went for the second chance without looking back," she said softly. "And yes, within those couple of hours, _I may have offered my two cents_, but I didn't really have to because Derek knew what he was gonna do anyway," she finished.

"It's just what every surgeon wants, I can't wrap my head around it, him walking away from that," I said reflectively.

"Yes it is, but it's also one that's still available," she said pointedly.

"How so?" I asked.

"Well, the board didn't offer the job to anyone else and trust me there _were_ other candidates," she said knowingly. "So no, it may not be a choice for Derek in the next year or so, but maybe someday when the timing is right …," her voice trailed, a small smile played along her lips.

"Yeah, maybe one day," I agreed. She pushed her hands against the railing. "Can I ask what your two cents worth was … your advice to Derek, I mean?" I inquired hopefully.

"I said _'if this turns into an either or, you pick the person you love, end of story'_. I said _'all of this means nothing if you're alone'_, that's what I told him," she said firmly.

"Is that what you would do?" I asked.

"Yes, as much as I want everything, well now I do, there was a time when I prayed for a child and didn't conceive, and then when the timing went straight to hell, the stick turned blue and I … I'll admit I …," her strong voice trailed off, her features softened.

"Paused," I finished her thought.

"Yes, I did, for a long time," she breathed. "But then I chose the man I love and our unborn child and I felt instantly grounded, even if the timing sucked, it was still ours … and so far, it's been so hard, but so very worth it," she said reflectively, lost in her own mind somewhere far, far away.

"So, you think it's possible to have everything, all at the same time – _and be Chief of Surgery_ – and to be _'everything' _to someone else too?" I asked.

"Trust me Meredith, all timing is … is what we make of it, how we play the cards we're dealt," she rested her hand on my forearm. "A couple more years of experience and a happy woman by his side and they'll be no stopping Derek Shepherd, trust me," she assured.

I laughed big, a smile crossing my entire face, Bailey looked at me expectantly. "I was talking about _me_ Dr. Bailey," I teased, nudging her with my elbow, her eyes became wide with surprise.

"Well, Dr. Grey, lets see that you make it through this first year _alive_ … and then we'll talk!" she laughed, but her glassy eyes betrayed the mother in her and I saw right through her joke.

"Lets get back to my _other _baby," she said as we turned away from the window wall and headed down the walkway to get back to the clinic.

"How is Tuck these days?" I asked as we walked.

"Adorable, you know what he did the other day? I came home from work …,"

And as Dr. Bailey talked animatedly about little Tuck, I couldn't help but marvel in her womanhood and her wisdom. Somehow in the time I had been gone and then whilst I was recovering … she became so much more than my resident.

_She was my lover's trusted friend; she was a mother and an amazing surgeon._

People used to say my mother was a force to be reckoned with, but now I'd have to say they never had the pleasure of meeting Bailey – _because if anyone was proof-positive that dreams could come true and that we are the makers of our own destinies and paths (and that we take responsibility for them)_ – it was Dr. Miranda Bailey.

I watched her face soften and become alive while she talked about her boy and I melted inside. Just before we entered the double doors, I made a point to take one last look up into the sky – _yes indeed the storm had passed_ – it was much brighter, everything was cleaned out and refreshed, there were no leaves or storm debris blowing around – _there was no wind for the trees to dance with_ – and no fathers to have lunch with and no lovers to worry about.

_Everything was as it should be. Yes, everything was calm and quiet and still now … kind of like my heart._

**Chapter 28 – Change the World – Part 3 of 3 to follow.**


	67. Chapter 28, Change the World, Part 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks to those readers who were kind enough to comment on this chapter. I don't say this very often when it comes to my writing, but I'm sure you all have heard the expression "short and sweet", well this last section of Chapter 28 is exactly that. Enjoy. **

**Chapter 28 – Change the World – Part 3 of 3**

I woke up to the sound of the shower. I opened my eyes; the room was dark except for a small slice of light coming through from the bathroom. The light offered just enough visibility. Derek was pulled into a surgery just before we were set to come home. The last thing I remember, I was studying in bed – _I know it's not ideal, but there was nothing on TV and I so desperately wanted to wait up for Derek_ – so I thought to study, motivate myself. But now I can only assume I had fallen asleep – _and someone was kind enough to close my book and my light and let me do what I so desperately wanted to do anyway_ – which was sleep.

_And now, I was awake and Derek was home._

Thank God he was home. I sighed with relief. Relief, I think that's what I can call this … this thing, I keep saying to myself every night. Because I wouldn't call it a prayer, and I wouldn't call it a blessing – _it was just something in between_ – some kind of way for me to feel the lucky thing that has become my life. Some kind of way for me to always remember and reflect and know that I am blessed.

_We are blessed, so yes, I feel relief – in the moment Derek and I get into bed at night – even if he's already asleep or I am, I can't exactly explain it … it just feels like our world is safe, secure and we are right where we should be … inside the bubble of our own creation._

I heard the shower die and rolled over on my side. I heard muffled shuffling; he brushed his teeth, all familiar sounds now. Then everything went completely black. I heard Derek walk across the room and I blinked hard to allow my eyes to adjust. I felt the bed shimmy under his weight before he slipped inside the covers with me. He lay down and I found his eyes, they were sparkling, he smiled and I rolled into him.

"I woke you up?" he whispered, pushing the hair from my face, leaning closer.

"Yes, kiss me," I ordered gently and he wasted no time before he covered my mouth with his minty lips.

_I took a deep breath of him in then, and I felt it, the relief, the blessing … of us._

Derek pumped my lips – _once, twice_ – he placed his palm against my cheek, it was hot, the heat traveled without mercy up and down my body, finally resting in my heart. I laced my legs into Derek's and he held me and I held him. I relished this moment, the treasured moment of the end of the day. I rested my head over his heart and felt the heat of his breath fan my head through my hair. He rubbed circles around my back, raising my tee shirt, running the pads of his fingers over my bare skin. I heard him breathe us in, his heartbeat slowed down.

"Derek?" I whispered.

"Hmm," he mumbled, on his way to sleep already.

"You would make an excellent Chief," I smiled, running my fingers along the perfectly curved lines of his ribs. He squeezed me tighter. "It just seems too logical, the next logical step, I don't mean to beat a dead horse or whatever … but it's completely logical for you to …," I sighed, my voice trailing off as Derek chuckled.

"There's no logic in love, Meredith," he whispered, finding my eyes in the dark. "I mean none. Look at us! We're living proof of that," he said pulling me back a little bit; I looked up and smiled and so did he. "I love you and being Chief will not change that – _and it won't make it better_ – it won't make it any easier, I just want you … you are all I need, I choose you first," he confirmed and then kissed me once more.

I settled into the crook of his neck and he draped his arms around me. Everything was steady, even … quiet, the storm all but a distant memory now. "I love you too, but Derek … you do want it, right … one day?" I asked and I felt his body shake with a muffled laugh. I peeked up.

"For someone who doesn't want to beat a dead horse, you're awfully skilled at it," he teased.

"I'm serious!" I exclaimed.

"And so am I," he ribbed, tickling me ever so slightly.

"Answer my question, please," I peeked into his unwavering eyes and watched.

"Okay, then yes. I do. If the timing is ever right, yes, if you are …," he acquiesced with a smile. I plucked his lips with mine, holding back.

"Derek, look at me," I smiled. "I am fine, I'm here … and so are you," I whispered, leaning up. I put my hand on his cheek. "We can do this. We can. When the time is right, lets try to make all of our dreams come true … together, okay?" I pleaded gently. He kissed my head.

"Okay," he said softly. "Okay Meredith," he sighed. We relaxed into one another and I felt Derek take a deep breath, I closed my eyes. "Have you been talking to Bailey?" he asked after a minute.

"Well, I have been working in her clinic all day, so yeah," I kidded, but I knew what he was alluding to with his question. "She didn't betray your confidence, but I did ask her about your decision," I said softly, breathing him in.

"I know she wouldn't, _not that there was anything to betray_, I've told you how I feel," he said into my hair. "Bailey is one of the best _people _I know, aside from you that is and she's amazing and watching her become a mother, I don't know – _she worries about being mommy-tracked_ – but I see it making her an even better doctor, I just … I don't know … I …," his voice trailed off, I kissed the underside of his neck and he pulled me closer to him, draping his leg over my hip.

"Derek," I whispered, I wanted to know what was on his mind, I wanted more. I looked up, his eyes were closed and for a second I thought he was sleeping, but then I watched as a small tear popped from his eye and began its slow decent. I reached up and gently moved it away. He smiled under my hand. "You can say anything to me, please tell me," I pleaded gently.

Only then did he open his eyes. "Parenthood," he sighed, scanning my eyes with his. "Being a mother, somehow it puts Bailey on another team entirely; it gives her more facets to her relationships with her patients in ways that I don't have … and I …," he smiled, my heart raced inside my chest, but I smiled because I knew where he was headed.

"It's okay, you can say it," I whispered, I reached up and held his skull in my hands; I nudged him with my nose. "Say it," I repeated, before I kissed his lips, I felt him smile.

"I want to be on that team," he whispered, tears pricked my eyes. "I want what she has … with you," he said and my tears fell. "I want a family with you, I love you, I want everything you want," he said softly, his eyes never leaving mine.

"And I want everything you want," I said softly and I couldn't help but notice a sense of relief wash over Derek, perhaps it was _his _blessing, _his_ comfort. I kissed him then, wrapping myself up in his energy. "I love you, Derek," I said into his mouth. "So much, you've changed my world," I whispered, my voice cracked.

My chest tightened, once again a reminder of just how much I did cherish this man and the blessing he has become for me. I held on tight and he held on even tighter as we rocked each other and rubbed each other and kissed each other into the slow decent to sleep. I closed my eyes and felt Derek relax into me, his body becoming heavier, his breathing slower. I rested my head over his heart and let his rhythm lull me to that dark place.

"_But you're still you?"_ came his soft voice in the darkness.

"I'm still me … only now I'm happy and full of hope and dreams," I confirmed. I felt his warm lips on my head and his even warmer arms encircle me. "I'm proud of you," I said into his chest, my eyes heavier than armor now.

"_And I'm so proud of you, for today with your father, you're a strong woman Meredith, you amaze me pretty much all the time. I love you and one day we will have made our collective dreams come true … just you wait and see. Good night, my love."_

And as I let the warm darkness of sleep with Derek take me away to that unknown place, I felt the storm recede into the deep sea and I was finally at peace. For peace had somehow consumed me since I woke up, the peace of my relationship with Derek had filled in all of the cracks and crevices left behind from my broken childhood. And suddenly … I was all that remained.

_I was whole … and so was he. _

_I was healed … and so was he._

_I was still me … and he was still him._

_And we were blessed and relieved and safe and sound within the bubble we could only call our own – a place that appeared anytime we were together – no matter where, no matter when … it was our canopy, our backdrop in which we would live out our collective dreams … together. _

**Chapter 29 to follow.**


	68. Chapter 29, Little Wonders, Part 1 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks again for the comments and for your time, please let me know how you feel after you read, it kind of solidifies the sharing/posting process for me and I love to hear from you all. **

**It's funny, I never really liked Rob Thomas, but I happened to hear this on the radio when I drafted the outline for this story and I knew I wanted to use it nearing the end of the fic … it's a perfect song, the lyrics are really something, so take a listen if you have the means. **

**Chapter 29 – Little Wonders**

Lyrics for Rob Thomas' "Little Wonders":

Let it go,  
Let it roll right off your shoulder  
Don't you know  
The hardest part is over  
Let it in,  
Let your clarity define you  
In the end  
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made  
In these small hours  
These little wonders,  
These twists and turns of fate  
Time falls away,  
But these small hours,  
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,  
Let your troubles fall behind you  
Let it shine  
Until you feel it all around you  
And I don't mind  
If it's me you need to turn to  
We'll get by,  
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made  
In these small hours  
These little wonders,  
These twists and turns of fate  
Time falls away,  
But these small hours,  
These small hours still remain

All of my regret  
Will wash away somehow  
But I cannot forget  
The way I feel right now

In these small hours  
These little wonders  
These twists and turns of fate  
These twists and turns of fate  
Time falls away but these small hours  
These small hours, still remain,  
Still remain  
These little wonders  
These twists and turns of fate  
Time falls away  
But these small hours  
These little wonders still remain

###

**Chapter 29 – Little Wonders – Part 1 of 3 **

"_The hardest part was over."_

We walked hand in hand up the makeshift trail, Doc loping happily ahead of us. It was late morning and all but a fine layer of mist remained, the damp morning air was starting to burn off and those small peaceful hours of the early day were starting to fade away. Derek squeezed my hand – _I turned my head and he was right where I left him_ – right by my side, something I would never grow tired of … my test, my assurance that he was always there and always going to be there, right where I left him. I exhaled a breath of my hot air into the atmosphere … it swirled up and into the space in front of me. I reached out and put my free hand up over my nose, it was ice cold. We had been staying out here on Derek's land for the last couple of days and I for one loved it, I knew Derek did too – _and I secretly wondered if he was ready to live here full time_ – for me, it was the privacy really, it was unbeatable and most of the time we spent out here it felt like we were the only two people on the planet.

_We will only just remember how it feels … just the two of us, forevermore._

And I wanted to live out here; it was plain and simple. I wanted Derek all to myself when we weren't at work – _and_ _we would need it, to come out here, after the stress of our jobs_ – we would need this place for longevity, to help us maintain balance our lives throughout the years.

I had spoken to Susan about taking Doc for some of the days when we were all working and so far we planned to make a dry run of it next week. I liked Susan and I was happy to get to know her – _and as much as she would argue with me_ – I felt she was really stuck in the middle when she met my father all those years ago. She would say she should have done things differently, that she should have put me first – _that she was the adult_ – but I say I knew what she was up against. _For I had lived it – I lived with Ellis Grey – and now I could say I survived her too._ So I got it, Susan's unwillingness to turn away from my father, it's a lot like my natural aversion to letting myself fall out of love with Derek, it all comes down to the idea that we can't help who we love – _and if we really love that person_ – it means taking the good with the bad.

"_Letting our troubles fall behind us."_

"Lets try up here today," came Derek's voice through the veil of my thoughts.

"Okay," I said as he pulled my hand and brought me back to reality. We turned slightly to the left and walked up an unmarked embankment.

"C'mon Doc, up here," he called out with a whistle, I watched as Doc ran up ahead. He stopped and barked, waiting for us at the outer perimeter of a large cluster of pine trees.

All was darker then, the looming fir trees covering the misty overcast sky now, it was quiet too – _save for the new leaves moving in the wind and the old crackling under our feet_ – beyond that all I could hear was my labored breathing. Although, I wasn't as tired as I had been, a marked improvement in my eyes. For the last couple of days we had taken to making small hikes to check out the land immediately surrounding the trailer. Derek suggested a three-mile radius for now, which was fine with me, for it was about all I could physically handle at the moment. The hikes were helping with my stamina though (prepping me for longer hours in the OR again) and our goal was really an admirable one: _to find the midpoint … our midpoint._

Butterflies clamored away in my stomach, reminding me, yet again of the task at hand – _for in mere hours_ – I would take the interns' exam and this life-altering year would officially come to a close. I sighed inwardly with relief, but my stomach flipped into my throat and effectively lodged itself there and only then did I smile. Because even with all the pain, even with the bombshells (_of secret wives and the more lethal variety too_) … I had survived. And Derek had survived and we were together and happy.

_We made it to the other side because we saved each other. The year of transition was over. So over … and over in more ways than I could count. _

_For me, most importantly – even more important to me than any solo surgery or anything else in my life – I was in love. Profoundly in love with my soul mate, the love of my life, who I met out of pure chance – although Derek would argue that it was fate or destiny – but to me it didn't really matter how we both came to be at Joe's that night, it only really mattered to me that we did. _

_These little wonders – these twists and turns of fate – were merely our circumstances; the rest was up to us._

_Cristina was getting married. Now there's a transition I could barely fathom, except for the fact that somewhere along the line I began to understand their relationship (and whilst I might think there was someone better suited for her) she and Burke had a unique tie to one another – one of power and intrigue, it was their natural ebb and flow, their tug of war, they almost seemed to live within each other – they are so uniquely different from one another, yet so much alike it was almost scary. Now, if Cristina could move Burke away from the tight hold of his mother and cancel this wedding – she could potentially have it all, in her own way and on her own terms – and why shouldn't it be her? We should all be able to have what we want out of life, myself included._

"_Let it slide, let our troubles fall behind us."_

_And then there was George, in a strange twist of fate; he ended up being the one to beat. Something happened to him after I went down. We've talked about this, he and I, and I like his take. He told me once, a long time ago that I shouldn't stand for a replacement for Derek – that I deserved more than that – and at the time, I whole-heartedly disagreed with him. It was no secret that George had a crush on me and that he would have likely jumped at the chance to replace Derek despite his words to me, but apparently while I was gone George took a step back from his feelings and he ended up with clarity. He said watching Derek take care of me and change his life for me made him realize that his crush was no match for the undying love Derek had for me. So now he's arrived at the other side of this year stronger, more focused and more centered both professionally and personally because of that step (the one he took to back away from me)._

"_Let our clarity define us."_

_Alex was focused, driven and maybe even more important (like me) – totally and completely in love with Izzie – and in truth, there wasn't much more I could say about Izzie either. For a while there I thought they were more destined to be like Ross and Rachel on 'Friends' – destined to be together, yet hopelessly without perfect timing – but they surprised me, and maybe even themselves in the process. In the end, they complimented each to other very well. Both having overcome hardships to get here – to graduate beyond their circumstances – and I think finding each other was a blessing, one that grounded them to the point where they would not be able to run from whence they came. Izzie's intense compassion for her patients was tapered by the playground bully in Alex – which made them more accountable to their patients – Alex becoming more humanized, while Izzie's emotional ties to her patients slackened slightly, just enough. They went together like peanut butter and jelly or ham and eggs. _

"_Let it shine … until we feel it all around us."  
_

With that thought, I pulled myself back into the moment. We walked now, up a small embankment and made our way through a set of large pine trees and out into another clearing area along a ridge we had never seen before. I looked down and stepped carefully over the unfamiliar terrain, all the while a quiet prayer chanted deep within my heart. I always felt my heart jump into my throat about now – _up, up, up –_ would we see what I so desperately wanted today?

_Would we see the midpoint I so desperately wanted to call … ours?_

Only when my footsteps were submersed within the plush, untouched grass of the clearing did I look up to meet our fate … the horizon. I sighed instantly in defeat; I looked over to Derek and watched his eyes scan the area in front of us. He glanced at me briefly, pressing his lips together. No, he agreed – _this was not the place_ – it was not ours. Don't get me wrong, it was beyond beautiful, it really was. I released Derek's warm hand and took a couple of steps closer to the edge. Doc followed me, always overprotective; he sat at my feet.

The air was cool and damp and a light wind whipped up and over me, pushing against me ever so slightly, but I didn't dare move. _I watched as the tall blades of grass danced the wind, I lost myself in their willingness to bend, fold over and succumb to the gentle force that moved them._ I sighed and moved my hair behind my ears and closed my eyes for a split-second, only to open them. The horizon was blurred, muted, we were too high on the ridge now and there would only ever be long morning shadows …no clarity could be offered from this vantage point.

_It was gorgeous, breath-taking even. But it was hopelessly off-center._

I looked to the left, the sun would rise off and to the left in perpetuity – _and no amount of our lovemaking would move these mountains_ – so in the end, another possibility had been crossed off the map. Derek walked up behind me. He rested his chin on my shoulder and warmed the back of my body with his proximity. His hot breath breezed across my earlobe and down into the neckline of my jacket, I reflexively shivered from his heat. He reached down and linked his fingers through mine and I leaned back into him.

"It's off-center," he whispered into the wind.

"Yes," I sighed in agreement.

"Let it go for now," he sighed. "We'll find our place eventually," he offered before kissing my neck, I moved our hands and rested them low across my belly. Doc shifted his weight, whinnying as he did.

I trained my eyes across the plain and let my mind wander years into the future and then I smiled, because Derek was right, we had forever and eventually we would find that special place … together. We just needed faith and time – _time to search and heal and faith that a special place for us remained undiscovered_ – for now.

Only I could barely focus on anything else it seemed. My mind was stuck, hell-bent on finding our place and I wasn't sure if it was my die-hard fear of abandonment or my need to solidify things for us or just my need to move on and feel like I had a place to belong for the first time in my life. I really wasn't sure what to make of it, only that sooner, much sooner than later, I wanted to find our place and live out here. I wanted the house of dreams and I wanted to feel the energy of it all around me, all the time.

_In truth, I never wanted to let go of this part of my dream or my life with Derek. _

Derek released a hand from mine and reached up; he smoothed my hair away from my neck and replaced his hand with his cool lips. His freezing nose nudged the back of my ear. "Meredith, where's that beautiful mind of yours?" he asked quietly – _before kissing my ear, sucking gently, breathing me in_ – all of his favorite things.

"I think we should move out here," I said into the open space in front of us.

"Are you ready for that, for the trailer?" he asked, his voice caught in his throat. He was surprised, I could tell.

"I love it out here, I love you … I'm ready if you are Derek. I want to live out here with you," I said, leaning back, but keeping my eyes trained on the horizon, secretly hoping he was ready too.

"You're restless to find the midpoint," he stated factually, without judgment. "I love you, I love you for that," he said simply, but I could tell he was smiling, breathing me in; he sighed in contentment.

"Yes I am … restless," I answered into the wind, my voice shaky, my knees weak. I turned my head slightly; he brushed his lips against mine, soft and quick, he was right where I left him.

"But why?" he prompted. "We have time, we have all the time in the world," he murmured. "I'm ready Meredith, I am – _I can see this land, this place differently now_ – but I don't want to rush you and I'm not going anywhere," he assured, wordlessly letting me know, he got it, he got me. "Let all of it go, okay, the restlessness, when we find it, we find it and we'll know it," he whispered into my ear. I shuddered, the horizon blurred. "I love you, nothing will change that, we _will_ build a home – _you belong here with me_ – we belong together. I know you need a place, I get it … you have me, I promise," he rambled, trying his best to allay my fears.

"I love you," I said, leaning into him, I closed my eyes on my words, _'I love you, I love you, I love you',_ I chanted silently, swaying in the wind, my unshed tears receded, they would never fall on our words.

I felt Derek's intense energy all around me then; I pushed further back into him. Our bubble swooped down; we were safe and warm within each other. _Minds open. Hearts protected. We were together, everything to each other. _Derek firmly kissed the bare skin on my neck – _small, tiny, sticky, wet kisses_ – all the while nudging my earlobe with his nose again. His fingers found the waistband of my jeans and my hands instinctually found his fingers. _We were linked._ Fire smoldered in my core – _a zing pierced me there, traveling up and down my spine … landing on my heart_ – it took all I had not to devour him. Simple sticky kisses could get me every time. I relaxed, my nerve-endings popped. My insides turned to mush, oh what this man did to me was wholesome and delicious and sinful all at the same time.

_Hot Toddies. Mashed Potatoes. Warm Applesauce. Oatmeal. Sweet Potato Pie. Butternut Squash. Chocolate Soufflé. Mulled Wine. _

"Meredith, look at me … please," he pleaded gently, before kissing my neck one last time.

_I turned to look at my lover, the wind blowing my hair up and around my face. He smoothed it –down and away, down and away – settling on flanking his hands around my skull. I smiled into the small space between us. Derek looked younger, bright, happy, his cheeks pink, fresh from the cooler morning air. I couldn't stop smiling if I tried. If this is what this land did to him, I wanted it … every day for the rest of my life. _

"If we're ever gonna find the midpoint, we need to be out here Derek," I said softly, I stepped closer and kissed his frosty lips. He smiled under mine. "I just want to be out here … I want just us, I want us … I want to see you look like this, every day," I said, my vision was cloudy and it had nothing to do with the mist that shrouded us.

"Like what?" he asked, his hot breath pumping into my mouth.

"Happy, whole, healed … saved," I said softly, kissing him once more.

_I pulled back and smiled, tears stung my eyes though and as I watched Derek watch me – I saw a flicker of something, something so raw and beautiful and indigenous to us – it was like time traveling. I trembled inside, awestruck by my vision. I blinked hard. Tears came now. It was true, I would never get enough of him in more ways than I ever imagined. _

Derek leaned back. "What, Meredith … what," he asked, his bright blue gateways boring into mine. "There's more …tell me," he persisted.

"When I looked at you just then … you just seemed carefree and happy Derek. You are happy, you're really happy aren't you?" I asked, still amazed.

"Yes, yes, I am, but what was that look for?" he asked, reaching up, he held my head in his hands. "Tell me," he pleaded.

"I saw the child in you," I smiled. "And then all of a sudden, I don't know, I feel like I somehow just got a glimpse into the future …," I shook my head. "I feel like I saw our child, or something, just in your eyes – _I saw the boy you once were, a long, long time ago_ – before your father was taken from you, before life got in the way," I smiled and watched tiny small tears pop from his eyes. I cradled his head in my hands and kissed those salty tears away. "I love you," I whispered. "I love the child you were, I love the man you are … and I want to live out here with you, even if it takes years to find the midpoint, I won't give up what I just saw," I managed to say before Derek closed his mouth over mine and kissed me senseless.

He pulled back briefly and smiled so brightly, his whole face was illuminated. "I am happy, so very happy and it is all because of you," he breathed heavily. "Because you saved me once, you gave me chance to feel hopeful again and sometimes when I look at you … that's all I see, I see hope for the future, I see what you see Meredith … I see us too," he whispered for my ears only, before I kissed him, darting my tongue into his depths, _'I love you, I love you, I love you',_ I chanted silently into the wind of my mind again.

I wrapped myself up in Derek then, our bubble sheathed us – _our own energy and air was everywhere, the power of us … suddenly it was all I could breathe, it was all I could feel_ – it cautioned the wind to back off as we stood on a beautiful clearing that was not our place, not our midpoint, but just as special and beautiful nonetheless. I held on to Derek and he held on to me as we swayed in the wind and kept each other safe and warm and protected as we silently dared ourselves to dream of our future.

Doc stood and whined slightly. Keeping my arms around Derek, I looked down and made eye contact with him. _'He's happy, Doc and so am I',_ I whispered wordlessly to my once-savior and forever friend. His ears perked up and he barked happily. I smiled. Derek pulled away.

"I guess that's our cue," Derek said, looking down. Doc scampered back and forth.

"I guess so," I said as Derek pulled away, only then did I realize how misty and cold it had become. I smiled; Derek really did make the world fall away.

"C'mon, it's getting gnarly out here," he smiled, taking my hand. We started walking back the way we came. We walked through the cluster of trees, the wind tapered off, I stopped under the natural canopy though, and Derek halted when I didn't move.

"Derek," I said, as he took one step back. He stood in front of me, the wind howled around us, but we were safe, I couldn't feel it anymore, all I could feel was the magic of us. "Kiss me and tell me we're moving out here," I said softly, locking my eyes with his.

Derek took my head in his hands and smiled and then kissed me firmly sealing our fate, our destiny. "We're moving out here," he kissed me again and I smiled. "Tomorrow," he whispered and that was all I needed to hear.

_Wherein I melted into my lover, my soul mate, my angel, my everything as he kissed me senseless under the aging pine trees that surrounded just one of the many ridges and cliffs and plains upon which we would make a lifetime of our collective dreams come true … starting with tomorrow._

"_It's the heart that really matters in the end."_

**Chapter 29 – Little Wonders – Part 2 of 3 to follow. **


	69. Chapter 29, Little Wonders, Part 2 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks for the notes; I truly hope you enjoy this next section and by all means, let me know what you think! Happy New Year to all of you!**

**Chapter 29 – Little Wonders – Part 2 of 3**

"_The hardest part was over."_

I sat now at Joe's on the other side of my internship. I held up my shot glass and smiled with such ease that is surprised even me. We were no longer interns! I had just come from visiting my mother, of course I told her I passed the exam and that I too had lived through that hellish rite of passage and that I was more than glad to follow in her footsteps and finish my residency at Seattle Grace – _and for first time in my life_ – I actually believed she would have been proud of me. I brought my glass up to meet Izzie and Alex's and I was struck by the sheer happiness in their eyes as we toasted to the end of what felt like an era.

I watched as Izzie planted a kiss on Alex's lips and then made some comment about how he tasted like beer and peanuts – _they were adorable, sophomoric, demonstrative to prove a point_ – and suddenly I felt like I was at the "cool table" in the cafeteria back in high school. They seemed like the perfect "it" couple on the surface – _the aloof jock and the beautiful model_ – but deep down they were so much more and as much as I cared about Izzie, my heart leaked with happiness for my dear brother, Alex. I smiled at them, Alex catching my eyes with his, before he planted another kiss on Izzie's lips, her face turned as pink as the sweater she wore.

"Alex! Yuck! You slipped your tongue in there on purpose!" Izzie screeched and we all laughed. "Seriously, beer and peanuts! It's gross! You taste like a bar!" she ranted, dramatically wiping her mouth on a napkin.

"C'mon Izz, we're in a bar, what else do you expect me to taste like? It's a hell of a lot better than that girl-of-a-drink you have there!" he teased. "Hey Joe, you forgot the umbrella for Izzie's drink!" he exclaimed over his shoulder.

Izzie smiled smartly and moved closer to Alex. She winked at me, before she leaned in and turned to him. "But Alex, I _am_ a girl … with girl parts," she said seductively, inching even closer, as she took a deep breath in and held it there to accentuate her large breasts. Alex turned her around on her stool to face him. Izzie leaned into him and he whispered something into her ear, causing her to explode with laughter.

I broke my gaze from them and glanced down at my watch – _Derek, Cristina, George and Burke_ – were supposed to come over here too and all seemed to be running not-so-fashionably-late. I pulled my PDA out and placed it on the bar next to my empty glass. I was worried about Cristina, for Mama Burke had come into town a couple of days ago and by God that woman would not let up! She was Cristina's worst nightmare realized, worse than her own mother – _and __only__ because Mama Burke stood a chance to lose the illustrious Preston Xavier Burke (the boy whom she raised to be extraordinary)_ – to another woman. Giving up a cherished son was hard for some mothers and in her case, it seemed especially so, given her idea of the woman her boy should end up with was remarkably different than Cristina Yang would ever be or become. Suddenly I felt flushed, in desperate need of fresh air or something, I pushed the sleeves of my lavender cashmere sweater up; heat still pricked my skin. Maybe a glass of cold water would suffice.

"George! Over here!" Izzie exclaimed from her seat, raising her _no-frills girly drink_ in the air.

I turned around to see the top performer of the day as he made his way through the small crowd to our side of the bar. He sat down next to me and smiled … he was relaxed and happy, the pensive worry lines had been filled in, perhaps he was the fresh air I needed for the moment.

"Hey George," I said with a smile.

"O'Malley," Alex nodded. George returned the sentiment.

"Wanna have a drink?" I asked. He smiled back and I realized he looked older, not like the intern he once was.

"Sure, if you're staying," he said as Joe sauntered up.

"I am," I said evenly.

"So, what'll it be?" Joe asked from his spot behind the bar.

"Whatever's on tap, dark, anyone else?" George asked, pressing his lips together.

"Nothing for me thanks," I replied, for it had been a long time since Jose and I did the tango and I was already feeling slightly high from just one shot, my how times had changed!

"We're good, we have to get going soon," Alex replied. Izzie looked at him quizzically, she leaned in and I heard him say something about wanting to check her "girl parts" out.

"Well, I can't argue with that," Izzie giggled. "As long as you brush your teeth, you can do anything you want to me," she teased.

"I'll tell you what, I'll even floss," he said, raising his eyebrows, silently challenging her.

"You _really_ love me don't you?" Izzie said in dismay, hopping from her seat.

"No, I want to get into your pants," he said pinching her ass, _hard._

"Alex Karev!" she exclaimed. "Ouch!" she added, rubbing her ass.

He only cackled and helped her on with her coat. "You know I love you, you know that, c'mon lets go," he said into her ear. I watched her cheeks heat as she heard his words.

Joe pushed George's drink towards him on the bar; they nodded to one another. Alex and Izzie walked around the corner of the bar, I twirled on my seat to face them. "It's been real," Alex offered.

_Without hesitation, I chuckled at the irony of his words. Everyone turned to me and then laughed._

"Well, for most of, most of the time, it has been," he chided; placing one his hot hands on my forearm.

"See you guys, talk to you tomorrow," I said.

"See you at home, or later … we'll be in and out this week," he offered.

"Yeah, see you," George replied and we watched as they exited the bar, arm in arm.

_The bell chimed over the door as they left, George and I moved our seats back around to face the bar. Only then did he take a long drink from his pilsner glass, he smiled in appreciation for the cold amber liquid._

"So what are you gonna do this week?" I asked him, nudging his elbow with mine. He gave me a sidelong glance and smiled weakly.

"Hang in, see my parents – _thinking a lot about asking Callie Torres out_ – soonish … soon, I will, we had a good date the other night," he rambled on, taking another sip of his beer.

I raised an eyebrow. "Soonish?" I asked incredulously. "George, you just earned the top score on the interns' exam – _you're the one to beat _– "soonish" shouldn't be a word in your vocabulary!" I exclaimed all in good fun.

"Hmm, so what should I do then?" he challenged. I watched as a small flicker of a fire smoldered in his big brown eyes.

"Be the _"heart in the elevator guy"_," I offered with a smile. "Be yourself – _be her everything if you want to be_ – just don't wait if you might regret never taking the chance," I cautioned.

"So, just ask her out?" he replied.

"Call her up and tell her you want to celebrate with her, c'mon her flash cards saved our collective asses!" I laughed.

"You have a point," he said, sipping his beer again. I glanced down at my PDA, no texts, no word and I'll admit I was starting to get a little worried.

The bell over the door chimed and we both looked over our shoulders. George's eyes widened as we watched Callie Torres walk through the threshold and head over to the other side of the bar. He turned to me and smiled. "Well, don't let me stop you – _go and talk to her, thank her for the cards_ – get that second date," I counseled.

With that, he slipped off of his stool and grabbed his bag. He leaned in and planted a small brotherly kiss on my cheek; I smiled. "Go on," I encouraged and he turned to walk away.

I watched as George strode up to Callie and began chatting animatedly with her. I saw the happiness in her eyes as he took a seat next to her. I turned my attention back to my PDA, obsessively checking the battery power. All was fine; it was in perfect working order. But still felt a small pit of uneasiness moved around in my stomach then, my thoughts darted from worry to worry – _Cristina, Burke, their wedding, Mama Burke, Derek's late, Derek's late_ – and I thought to send one of them a text, something, anything to just calm my worried heart and at the same time I wondered why I was worried at all. I trained my eyes on George and Callie again then, anything for a diversion, but it was no use.

_I was fine, I was here, I reasoned silently. Derek was on his way, I coached myself. Cristina was getting married. Alex and Izzie were happy and George … George was laughing and carrying on. _

The bell chimed over the door, only this time I didn't turn to it, for I was too deeply enthralled with George and Callie to turn away. I had gotten lost in their easiness around each other and smiled. My mind rolled over Derek and I shivered inside. _Suddenly, a sense of déjà vu covered me like a cloak._ I shivered again and chalked it up to being here, at Joe's alone – _like I was almost a year ago this week_ – just like I was the night I met Derek.

_I sighed in recollection of our night together, the night that started it all – our thing – us, the night of our chance meeting … the one billion in whatever chance that a one-night stand … could withstand a lifetime of dreams. I shuddered with that thought and turned around. I was stunned by what I saw. _

_It was Derek. He was beautiful and he was the fresh air I had been looking for! I suddenly felt whole again. I smiled. He was seated in the back of the bar, his jacket hung on the chair next to him. I smiled and he stood and grabbed his jacket. I remember he once told me what he was thinking as he sat in that very seat the night we met. A shiver ran up and down my spine as I thought of his words now. I held my breath and watched him navigate through the small sea of tables to get to me. His wildly intense eyes bore into mine and by the time he walked around the last table, put his jacket on the bar and sat down next to me, I was totally lost within him. The world had already fallen away._

_Derek's knuckles grazed against mine, our forearms joined together like magnets – a jolt of heat plowed through my body and tickled my cheeks – setting fire to them on impact. Derek only smiled and leaned toward me. His hot breath breezed across my earlobe and shoulder blade – it felt warm and familiar, yet fresh and new at the same time – I took a deep breath of him in and found myself smiling again and both the memory of that night and all that had happened since those first moments. Derek chuckled, his eyes sparkling against the dim lights now. _

"So is this a good place to hang out?" Derek laughed through his question, the sounds of the bar faded away, deep into the background of the moment.

"What are you doing?" I asked, chuckling, leaning into him slightly.

"Just answer the question," he teased, closing the small distance between us, he kissed my neck.

_My core caught fire as he pulled his lips away from my flesh, my mind caught in a fury as I thought about how to answer his question. I twirled my stool to face him, he moved his to face mine. Our knees touched, Derek slipped from his stool and stood in front of me between my legs. He stepped closer, his eyes on fire – blue icy, hot – now, he blinked and opened his eyes wide, cocking his head to the side, he pressed his lips together, perhaps a silent challenge._

_And suddenly it was just us again – the whole year and all of its trials and tribulations – were all but a distance memory now. For we were whole, we were healed and we had saved each other over and over again since we had last been in this moment. I cradled his skull in my hands, relishing in the aura of him._

_I could cry tears of joy over my love for this man._

_I could cry tears of wonderment over the chance to have this moment over again._

_I could cry tears of passion over my desire to live the rest of my life with him. _

_I could cry tears of astonishment over our chance meeting twelve months ago. _

_I could almost cry over how much it all overwhelmed me – except that it didn't – because this time I knew, I was right where I was meant to be._

_And finally I believed that maybe Derek was right – that on that blessed night twelve months ago – I was meant to be here too when our bond was tied, our chain was linked, and our souls first met._

_Yes, for now I could say – we were meant to be – so definitively that we couldn't turn our backs on the power of us, and despite our best efforts to free ourselves of each other, we only ended up back here… again, at the beginning of the beginning. _

_I trembled inside now; Derek moved closer still, his hands on the waistband of my jeans, just waiting, watching and anticipating my words. I chose them carefully._

"It is, if you want to meet your soul mate …," I whispered into the space between us, my voice cracked, my eyes instantly clouded with emotion just like his. "Or your lover or –"

"Your life-saver" Derek finished for me, I smiled.

"Your best friend," I said, inching closer. Reaching up, I put my hands around his neck; I inhaled a deep breath of him in and held him there.

"Your fighter," Derek smiled, leaning even closer, his hands on my thighs now.

"Your angel," I whispered, his face softened, his eyes became glassy.

"Your everything," he whispered, so soft, so quiet, it was meant only for me to hear.

"My everything," I whispered, before kissing him, soft and quick. "You're everything to me," I added into his mouth, darting my tongue into his depths for a taste.

"And so are you to me," Derek said breathlessly.

_Time falls away in these small hours. _

He kissed me senseless then, my body lost all definition as I let him wield control over this kiss, this one kiss … in this moment – _this time without the need to hide, this time out in the open for all to see_ – for this time it was a kiss that sealed our fate for _all_ time … for forevermore and beyond.

"Lets go home," Derek said into my mouth. "I need you all to myself," he said, kissing me quickly once more before he plunged his mouth over mine, stealing my every breath once again.

I pulled my lips from his and smiled, his eyes were wild and carefree and joyful, they danced in the dim light and I lost myself in the deep sea of his soul. "We can't," I whispered, my chest on fire. "We have to wait for Cristina and Burke," I quietly reminded him, unwilling to let the energy of our bubble evaporate.

"Oh about that," he said softly. "This is for you … for us really," Derek said as fished an envelope out of the pocket of his jacket.

"What is this?" I asked, holding the heavy papers in my hand.

"She called it off … the wedding," Derek said with a smile. "And I think, I think Burke was also relieved," he added.

"Is she okay? Why didn't they come over here with you? Where are they now? Are they together?" I rambled on, my mouth hemorrhaging from the range of questions pulsing for answers.

"Meredith, they're together and happy, they just wanted to get out of town, alone, she's gonna call you," he smiled, pressing his lips together. "Don't you even want to know what's in the envelope?" he asked, a hint of mischief in his voice.

"Oh yeah, okay," I stuttered, my head was still spinning, I couldn't believe she actually did it and I was so relieved and so damn proud all I could do was smile.

"Well, Cristina wanted to hide … I think in an undisclosed location …," Derek chuckled; I raised my eyebrow expectantly, waiting for more information. "Well, she talked to me and then to the Chief and even though we just came back from work and you have some catching up to do, I worked it out with him and well … she said she would see you when you got home …," Derek said, closing the minute distance between us. "From her honeymoon," he whispered before he covered my lips with his.

I pulled back slightly. "We're going to Hawaii?" I asked just to be sure I wasn't dreaming again.

"Hmm, we are, are you okay with that?" Derek asked.

"More than okay," I breathed. "Kiss me," I ordered gently and he did, I wrapped my arms around Derek's neck, my fingers found his luscious locks and in no time I was lost in a blissful sea of our own making as we kissed each other over and over again without looking back.

"_It's the heart that really matters in the end."_

**Chapter 29 – Little Wonders – Part 3 of 3 to follow.**


	70. Chapter 29, Little Wonders, Part 3 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Holy cow, I had no idea it had been so long between this and the last update, my sincerest apologies. I think I may have only said this one other time, but consider this update short and sweet and solidifying. Enjoy, look for the beginning of Chapter 30 this weekend.  
**

**Chapter 29 – Little Wonders – Part 3 of 3**

"_Our lives are made in these small hours."_

Somewhere in the deep recesses of my subconscious, I realized it was tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow was upon us. Even with my eyes closed, I knew dawn had broken. I instinctually rolled over to find Derek. My body ached from our games last night and I was seeking the warmth and solace of him, only to realize he wasn't with me. I opened my eyes then, blinking hard to adjust to the blue haze of the early morning light. The bathroom door was open, the light off. A small light was on above the stove and the strong smell of coffee filled the air. I smiled; he must have gone for a walk.

With that, I reached over to the bedside table and found the tank and panties I had left there last night. I pulled the items into the covers and put them on. I grabbed the cashmere throw blanket and swung my legs over the side of the bed. The floor was freezing! I wrapped myself up tight into the blanket like a cocoon; trying my best to preserve my sleepy-heat. I crossed the small square footage and poured a cup of coffee for myself and then I sat down at the small table and looked out of the window to wait for Derek or the sunrise or both.

_I looked at my reflection then, my dream and my reality colliding again like it had so many other times in the last year. For as much as I needed to let go of my dreamscapes, I couldn't help that my own precious dreams (my real dreams) were deeply embedded within my dreamscapes._

I took a sip of the hot liquid and let it roll down my throat. In one day's time, we would be on Maui … Hawaii for one week and we would be alone, for the first time in our relationship, we would be alone. _Completely alone, without the need to do anything but rub and heal and kiss and love each other._ And on that thought, my mind drifted to Cristina, for it seemed she and Burke would be doing the same. By the time we had arrived home last night I had already spoken with her. She was fine and assured me that she felt empowered by her decision, making sure to tell me that she also felt like she _saved _Burke.

_And only then did I truly smile as I am now in recollection of her words, for we save those who we love and cherish. And then any amount of doubt I had of her love for Burke and his love for her fell away, because they saved each other from the tragedy of a wedding they did not want – they would have it their way – which is all we can really ever dream of in life, to do as we please on our own terms and live happily. _

With that happy thought, I took another sip of my coffee and peered into the window again – _noting my reflection had faded as the sun began its ascent into the sky_ – up and over my cherished dreamscapes horizon. I looked down and sighed and then raised my head and that's when I saw him.

_Derek, Derek, Derek. _

I watched as he walked along the outer perimeter of the clearing, I could barely see him through this mist rising off the lake, but I would recognize the form of his body from any distance. My heart froze as he continued to walk towards the trailer, relaxed and completely at ease. I stood up and peeked through the window to get a better look at his handsome face. My heartbeat was in my throat – _smack, smack, smack_ – it pounded against my chest and radiated through my whole body.

_I was tingling with anticipation._

I stepped back from the window and headed for the door and without even thinking I stepped outside. The porch was freezing cold, but I wouldn't have noticed because Derek found me, his eyes bore into mine and the world simply stopped spinning – _our dutiful bubble appeared, stronger than ever before_ – encapsulating us both. Derek's footsteps and his raspy breathing were the only sounds I could hear above the rustling of the trees in the morning wind. I was struck by his serene beauty. All of the intense worry lines he carried with him while at work had faded and I had an extreme sense of déjà vu infiltrate my every nerve.

_I had only dreamed of the Derek that walked toward me now, I had only ever dreamed of this man, the one who had seen the end of the earth. Derek looked just how he looked that morning in my elaborate dreamscape, the morning I first showed him … my dream horizon … my dream of a midpoint._

Looking at him now, he looked ethereal, like an angel or something close to it; the morning mist shrouded him again, clouding his strong facial features, softening his otherwise intense eyes. I would say he looked like a boy this time too, but it was more than that – _there was a wonder there I had only seen once, maybe twice_ – he stood now at the foot of the makeshift porch steps. My body raged with energy as he shifted on his feet and without saying a word he smiled slightly, almost reflectively as if he had seen something wonderful. He was miles away. I could tell – _even though he was standing mere feet from me_ – he was in another world entirely. He cocked his head and his gaze found mine; he shook himself from his private reverie.

"Derek," I called softly, allowing the wind to carry my voice.

_He smiled, the sky became a shade brighter and the world began to move again, the leaves rustled above, the birds called to one another, the wind howled all around us._

"Where have you been?" I choked out, my voice laden with emotion; I didn't move an inch. I smiled.

"To the end of the earth," he replied softly with a smile of his own and I nearly stopped breathing.

_And then I saw it again, just as I did in my dreamscape – a flicker if something so beautiful cross over Derek's whole face – wonder, relief, anticipation, and excitement rolled into one overpowering emotion. His whole being softened and my dreams had officially come true!_

I said nothing more and held my hand out to him through the blanket. I had no words to describe how I felt. Derek was standing in front of me in a matter of seconds; I could hear nothing but my pounding heart as I anticipated his kiss ... his touch. He took my skull in his hands and smiled, scanning my eyes – _back and forth_ – before kissed me, soft and quick at first, then with more power and energy than I expected. I inhaled deeply and breathed Derek in, he smelled just like him … and me, us … plus earthy, like aging pine trees and fresh clean morning air.

_The moment was divine and I never wanted to let go. Never. Ever. For we had arrived on the other side of the year and were one to each other in mind, body and spirit in this moment … and would be forevermore._

_I reluctantly pulled away from my lifeline, my 'everything' and let my eyes rest on his. Our breath swirled up and around us; I could feel the heat from his touch warm me from the inside out, all the way down to my frozen toes. I smiled._

"You saw the midpoint, the glory of it all, didn't you?" I asked, my eyes wet.

"I did … I love you," he whispered, closing his freezing lips over mine, but he only warmed me up. "The only place in the world deserving of our house of dreams is your dreamscapes horizon," he said, his voice broken; yet somehow Derek was saved once again. "It's like no other place I know," he said softly before kissing me senseless again.

I pulled back slightly, just enough, Derek's hands flanked my face, our noses rubbing together. "I love you …," I said, kissing him once. "I promise, you won't ever see what you saw when you came out here alone – _when you were broken_ – before I saved you," I smiled though my tears. Derek pushed my wild hair away from my face. "Because I'll always be with you to save you again … if you need me," I said evenly, Derek eyes crinkled around the edges and he smiled through his tears.

Derek leaned in and kissed me, gently walking me backwards – _he opened the door to the trailer and guided me inside_ – our lips never parting as he kicked his shoes off and began to undress. My blanket fell to the ground as Derek picked me up, the heat of his body felt like a radiator.

_I love you, I want you, I need you and nothing else, I chanted silently._

"It's tomorrow Meredith …," he whispered into my neck. "We're here to stay," he added; his voice still hoarse with emotion.

"It's tomorrow Derek … it's today, it's forever and always," I whispered into the flesh of his neck.

He carried me to the bed and climbed inside after me where we wasted no time before we warmed each other and rubbed each other and savored each other and loved each other for this moment in time, in the here and now, right where we were meant to be –_together_ – deep within our bubble on this random parcel of land Derek Shepherd bought a little over a year ago when he so desperately wanted to start over – _where he finally came to do just that_ – right this very minute with the love of his lifetime wrapped around him.

"_And I don't mind, if it's me you need to turn to … we'll get by."_

**Chapter 30 to follow.**


	71. Chapter 30, You Are the One, Part 1 of 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: ****So, we made it to the final chapter for this story (of course there is an epilogue), but we made it and I am so very excited about that! Chapter 30 is comprised of six moments in time over the course of the six days Meredith and Derek spend on their Hawaiian island paradise. Enjoy!**

**Take a listen to this song if you have the means, find it on youtube, it's a must! I promise you'll be singing it all day and night and if you've been reading this story all along – the song choice will be apparent to you – the lyrics fit with precision. And the delivery, *sighs*... Elliott Yamin is INCREDIBLE and this song was a perfect inspiration for the end of this EPFIC.**

**Chapter 30 – You Are the One**

**Lyrics for Elliott Yamin's "You Are the One"**

Sometimes I sit and I wonder  
And I just can't seem to believe  
What a blessing it's been to be loved  
You're an angel sent to me

You're the star who lights up my sky  
You're the one who made me see  
That you don't need wings to fly  
Your love has set me free

'Cause you are the one who makes me whole  
In my heart and in my soul  
And just like the sun you showed me the light  
I'm amazed and you're the reason why

Before you I was so blind  
I didn't know which path to choose  
You poured all of this love in my heart  
And there's no way that I can lose

And when I have no faith in myself  
You're the one who makes me strong  
I wouldn't have a story to tell  
Or an ending to my song

'Cause you are the one who makes me whole  
In my heart and in my soul  
And just like the sun you showed me the light  
I'm amazed and you're the reason why

Oooohh you're the reason why  
Oh ooooooooh

You are the one who makes me whole  
In my heart and in my soul  
Just like the sun you showed me the light  
I'm amazed and you're the reason why

'Cause you are the one who makes me whole  
In my heart and in my soul  
Just like the sun you showed me the light  
I'm amazed and you're the reason why

You are the one who makes me whole  
In my heart and in my soul  
And just like the sun you showed me the light  
I'm amazed and you're the reason why

###

**Chapter 30 – You Are the One – Part 1 of 6**

The warm evening Hawaiian breeze barreled through our private lanai, bringing with it the scent of the tropical air – _a precise balance of the salty ocean and the sweet hibiscus flowers that grew without abandon on the island_ – it was a scent indigenous of this magical place that had lodged itself to my nostrils from the moment we touched down one day ago. We were staying in a small grouping of private villas of the coast of Maui in Kihei, which Derek thought suited our needs better than the fancy resort Cristina had chosen. For we wanted exclusivity, we craved to be alone, and here we could. We had access to a private beach, the best the executive chef on the island, jet skis, snorkeling equipment, a full spa, even boats – _anything our hearts desired was at our disposal, really we wouldn't have to leave our private space if we didn't want to_ – and that's exactly what we did want.

A smile filled my heart as my eyes rested on Derek for a moment; I squeezed his hand, his eyes crinkled around the edges with happiness. I had never seen him so free before, he was happy and radiant and I knew it had a lot more to do with me than this island getaway. _"I love you,"_ I mouthed to him and he returned the sentiment before I had a chance to blink. I smiled and moved my gaze over him and out to the lush green lawn just feet away from where we lay and then scanned the bright blue ocean just beyond that, taking in one last glimpse of the water and the sparking diamonds covering its surface before the sky would turn pink, then orange, then swirl together like rainbow sherbet, then a deep purple as the sun would close on the glory of another day of our paradise.

As the masseur worked the heels of her hands down into my back, I stared at Derek's relaxed form; he was less than a foot away, his masseur working on his thighs now. I watched as he closed his eyes, a small smile playing along his lips as he did. He held my hand in his for a while now but in his hazy sleep-state, I felt his grip slacken slightly so I gently let go of his hand and smiled … my lover had fallen asleep. And as he fell, I finally lost all sense of myself too, for the masseur had pushed me deeper and deeper into pleasurable relaxation – _pummel after pummel, my nerve endings snapped, fuses broke, and blood circulated pushing my whole body into bliss_ –now that we were almost done with our hour-long rubdown and I finally passed over to the other side this life and closed my eyes.

Suddenly I was back in the water, the masseur's hands lulling me, rocking me like the warm tropical water of the Pacific did only yesterday. My body relaxed into the natural current – _and I was swept away by the ebb and flow of the tides once again_ – a wave of the organic saltiness wafted up and I was lost at sea once again. Fractional images of beauty marred with resonating fear encapsulated my heart now – _thump, thump, then a deafening swoosh, swoosh_ – a reminder of the water's power when it didn't discriminate, when one is forced to jump towards a wintery death, all the while holding their soul mate's hand. My heart raced, but I was long gone, too far-gone to turn back from the hazy memories of my dreamscapes.

###

_Derek. Heaven. Earth._

_Derek fitted my snorkeling mask over my eyes, pecking me on the cheek before we took to the warm, inviting ocean._

_All was quiet and warm, it was truly a world unto itself under here – swoosh, swoosh – called the depths of the tranquil sea._

_Fear crippled me then, the trigger sound put my heart in shambles; I lost a sense of myself … and not in bliss, but in fear._

_I held on for dear life!_

_Don't let go!_

'_Hold on, hold on, hold on', I chanted._

_The swoosh of the water plunged into my eardrums and __I was wasted once again._

_Bright blue water, deep calm and serenity filled my veins and everything in between._

_Our flailing arms and legs – together – we were still together._

_I caught Derek's eyes through his cloudy mask as a blowfish swam by, he took my hand in his and squeezed, I smiled with my eyes._

_Derek. Heaven. Earth._

_I tread water then – swim, swim, swim – desperate to hold on to him now._

_There was no beginning to me and no end to him._

_We were in this together._

_Plentiful schools of tropical fish moved in and out of us, on with life, on with their plan – warm and safe with stunning beauty – by and by, they were gone only to be replaced by the next rainbow._

_Where was Derek?_

_Where was my angel?_

_I had lost all sense of direction!_

_Green sea turtles – honu – gentle giants, serene, full of peace and age and experience, so beautiful I could cry in their presence. _

_Derek. Heaven. Earth._

_I had no sense of myself – I was alone in a silo again – for I was nothing but a piece of debris cast out to sea! _

_The heart-stopping moment, the honu, mask to face with Derek, I could watch their fascination with each other all day … the small piece of the boy inside of my man was happy, the honu was at peace._

_I began to kick my feet tenaciously, for I would never let go! Not of the dream of us!_

_We were moving now – the power of two – the lines were merged once again and we were together, tiny slivers of hope were restored as we slowly moved up, my body felt warmer as we worked hard to get to the surface! _

_Wonder filled my heart as I looked around the warm crystal blue water, the sun's bright rays illuminating our path, we were moving with the tides, relaxing in the warm depths of the water that would now and forevermore remind me of Derek's gateways – blue, crystal clear, sparkling – all heaven-sent, all small miracles made just for me._

'_Breathe, breathe, breathe', I chanted as we broke through the barrier of the water and found one another. Derek pulled my snorkeling mask up; water fell onto my face. The glee in his eyes was a vision I would never forget, as long as I should live. _

"_I love you," I said, treading water. "So much," I added, tears crowded my already wet eyes. _

_I squinted into the bright blue sky – __his beautiful face and deep blue eyes as he became one with the heavens – meshing together with the bright blue water and cloudless sky. __I clung to him now, no differently than I would have had we just made love … our limbs entwined, our chain intact, our breathing harsh and raspy. __Nothing had changed. __I felt him all around me now. I was lost in that sea of bliss again … a bliss only he could provide for me. _

_For_ _Derek was omnipresent, he cradled me, he caught me, he saved me … he loved me._

"_I love you too, Meredith," __he said breathlessly, but I only held him, for I had no words to describe the ramblings of my heart._

_Derek's radiant heat consumed me. I felt dry and safe and warm in his embrace, albeit numb. I was hovering and floating again – soaring above the memories of my dreams – with a small hope in my heart to never let them go. _

_Derek clung to me and I to him like never before – for he was still my lover, my savior – my everything … my anchor … and I was still his. _

_I allowed my mind wander and relax into a dream … one where we were safe and warm and in bed together. To a time when we were just waking up, those cherished morning minutes when everything was fresh and new and calm and serene. _

_The lulling and rocking of the water had all but stopped, I felt light-headed and fuzzy around the edges, visions of our snorkeling adventure had dissipated along with the last of my terrifying dreamscapes – gone with the wind, truly cast out to sea once more – I held on tight to the memories though, never wanting to let go, never wanting to let go of finding Derek and the miracle of him after we jumped together in that moment of time, even if it was a dream, I knew now, I wanted it, to have and to hold. _

_And with that realization, the beautiful euphoric feeling within our bubble returned and there was nothing more I wanted to do than to bask in it – in the here and now – with the memories of my dreams, the dreams that brought us to this very moment in time. _

_Derek. Heaven. Earth._

###

Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, I heard the faint click of the heavy wooden door to the villa, the echo as it closed, the small _tick, tick_ of the lock and then all was quiet – _except for the waves crashing along the shore_ – not another single sound could be heard. I lay in the silent beauty of the moment for several more minutes – _the_ _sun was setting now for sure, I could no longer feel the power of its rays over our bodies_ – would I hear it seep into the ocean this time? Could I imagine the small spark of light as it disappeared? Yes, in my mind's eye I could see it all and only then did I open my eyes.

The first vision I was graced with was Derek and I was struck by his beauty in this moment, the golden sun rays, the last of the day fell behind him, adding a magnificent glow to his skin tone. I took stock of my lover, his worry lines depleted, filled in, all but gone. His breathing – _even, regular_ – everything we want to hear, stable, predictable … he was at peace. I slowly pushed myself up and sat on my massage table facing Derek. The thin sheet the masseur draped over me had fallen away and I was naked.

The cooler ocean air pricked my skin and I was instantly covered with goose bumps. I placed my hands on the warm smooth flesh of Derek's back. I felt like I was drugged with something a thousand times more powerful than morphine – _call it happiness, call it massage therapy, call it bliss_ – there was no word for how peaceful I felt as I watched the sun slip below the horizon with my hands gently resting on my lover's back, my body on fire, my mind hazy with harmony.

_Could this really be my life? How did I end up here? Had the dream of blissful oblivion really survived after all?_

_My heart raced inside my chest … I didn't want to let go of the dream, for it was precious to me, it was still a lifeline, still made me thankful for all that my life had become, for I was blessed and I wanted to be reminded of that throughout my life. _

I looked down and was met with Derek's gaze. His smile was sleepy; he looked beautiful. I slipped from the table. "Come to bed," I whispered, leaning down I kissed the oily skin of his neck, he moaned slightly and I smiled. He smelled like Derek and suntan lotion and massage oil and the wind and the salty sea and everything in between.

_Derek rolled over slowly and brought himself to a sitting position. I stepped in between his legs, put my hands on his naked thighs, reached up and kissed him with everything I had. Derek responded, opening his mouth to mine as our tongues danced together over and over and over again. His hands found my ribcage and his fingertips moved along each indentation, each curve, before he pulled me closer to him, his hands resting on my ass cheeks, our oily skin joined, fused, bonded. I broke away from our kiss and took his hand in mine, stepping away, I pulled him with me as we walked naked into the bedroom. _

"We have dinner reservations," he mumbled, reminding me, his movements slow, purposeful.

_The world was fuzzy as I navigated our way through the impeccably-decorated villa, the marble floor cool against my feet, my legs like Jell-O … no, I wasn't going anywhere, except to bed with my lover._

"No, room service later," I said softly as we approached the bed.

_I pulled the sheets back and slipped inside, the linens were cool against my raging hot skin and nerve-endings. Derek fell in behind me; his hot body flush up against mine, his perfect fit evident. I rolled into him, I needed him and not in an animalistic way, but in a way that I craved him and our connection. I needed to tell him that I still wanted the dream, my dreams, that I still needed them … I wanted to tell him how much I cherished them still, even though nothing could be better than living out the rest of my life with him. _

I found Derek's lips, the room already a shade or two darker than when we first got into bed. He moved my wild tresses from my face and I looked into his eyes, still sparkling in the dim light. Derek rested his head on my pillow and smiled. "Did they drug us?" he chuckled breathlessly, his eyes closing as he did.

"It's quite possible, I couldn't sit through a dinner, even one like last night with you half-naked and all to myself in private," I giggled, Derek moved closer and kissed my already swollen lips. I closed my eyes briefly and the world fell away for a moment, before I opened them again and caught Derek's eyes with mine. I smiled.

"You have something on your mind," he whispered, moving his hand up and down my thigh, he pulled on my knee gently and draped my leg over his hipbones. His hot breath fanned my chest, my core opening ever so slightly; he rested his hand on top of my hipbone.

I smiled, inching even closer, craving a lifetime of intimacy and beyond. "I do," I agreed. I kissed him, darting my tongue into his mouth for a quick taste, my body becoming heated, my skin pricking with desire as Derek deepened our kiss, sucking on my bottom lip with his teeth and tongue. He moved his hand from my hipbone and rested it over my heart.

"Do you remember when we said goodbye to the dream?" I asked, taking his hand in mine, I moved it down towards my belly, pressing it over my mound now.

"Yes, I do," he said, his fingers finding my slick folds, massaging his thumb over my clit, the fire in my heart matched the fire in my core now. "In the shower, all alone," he whispered, before he closed the small distance between us, moving his lips over mine and his thumb over my clit and into my molten core.

"Hmm, feels so good," I said, my juice flooding around his hand. "I ... slower Derek, slower," I pleaded as I tried to formulate the words in my head; my walls began to systematically clench around his thumb.

"Slow," he murmured. "Slow … tell me," he pleaded, before he kissed me, slowly moving his thumb in and out of my slick channel. My sex wafted up and my senses became even hazier (as if that was even possible).

"I want to take it back," I whispered, my eyes finding his in the darkened room. I smiled. Derek removed his thumb and rolled me onto my back, his dewy body coming to rest in between my thighs.

He moved his hands over my head like a halo and leaned down to kiss me. "I love you and I want whatever you want, I want you to be happy," he said before he kissed me. "Tell me why," he whispered, kissing me on his words, his lips moving down to my neck and collarbone.

"I want it Derek, because it all lead me right here to this moment," I said as he continued to kiss me. With some effort, I clasped my tired legs around his back, low and tight. He pressed his hard cock over my pelvic bone in response, my pussy wet with desire for him now.

"Then I want it too, I don't want you to give anything up in your life, I just want to make you happy," he whispered, French kissing my earlobe. "I meant what I said when you woke up, I want to be the man of your dreams," he said, lost in the sea of our arms and legs and pending bliss, my heart raced on his words and promises.

"I just want it all … with you," I said, taking his skull in my hands, I took control over our kiss. I pulled back slightly and Derek smiled. "I want us to dream of the impossible … together, new dreams, like we promised," I said into his mouth, my body fused to his, our bond strong. "But I have to keep those old dreams, as scary as it sounds, they proved to me that … that we could have a moment like this, right here, right now," I said, my eyes never leaving his.

"I want the dream of it all with you, you know that … I just want you … only you," he said, pressing his cock against my hipbone.

_I shifted slightly and let the full weight of Derek's body press me into this new dream come true, this cherished moment in time. And in that moment, I realized that Derek already had become the man of my dreams and now maybe I had to show him just how much he was, that maybe he needed to hear that and feel that as much as I needed to hold onto those dreamscapes memories of us. I held Derek's skull in my hands and brought his lips down on mine, the bubble energy encapsulated us, always there, omnipresent and overpowering during our intimate moments. _

"So, take me, I'm yours," I said evenly pulling away from our kiss, my heart trembling, my lifeline hovering over me now, locking his eyes with mine.

_Without hesitation I reached down and swept the fat head of Derek's cock up and down my sopping wet seam before I lined him up with my hole and showed him the way home. He sank into me, inch by beautiful inch; I rocked my hips up and back to take him fully into my tight channel. I clenched my delicate muscles around him, relishing in the feeling of his rod nestled safely within me once again, for it was a sensation I would never grow tired of – for the moment we were joined, bonded – the world has stopped, literally stopped. Without fail, it was always the moment in our lovemaking I loved the most, sure the climax was always wonderful, but the moment his perfect cock filled me up … it was nothing short of indescribable. _

"You're mine," he husked into my ear as he began to move inside me. "I'm yours," he whispered.

_Our machine was soaked within one or two strikes, Derek twisted slightly so his pelvic bone pressed on my mound and clit with just enough pressure … intermittent bliss was only seconds away now. _

"We are … forever," I said breathlessly, Derek pounded into me now and I became clay in his hands and like so many other times when we made love I lost myself in that sea of bliss I had come to crave. "Hmm, yes, yes, slower … my legs, ouch, I can't hold on," I laughed weakly as Derek slowed his tempo.

"I can, for both of us," he whispered, striking with force, but slowly and evenly now. He smiled. "Better?" he husked, I nodded, locking my eyes with his.

_My body became heated, my breasts swayed with his thrusts, Derek ducked his head down and captured one of my rosy nubs with his delicious lips. My hands instinctually found his skull. He lapped and lapped at my nipple in earnest now – it was all I could hear over my labored breathing – the deafening sound of Derek's body slapping against mine and the smack of his lips against my sensitive flesh as he pushed me closer and closer towards the point of no return! Derek turned his attention to my other breast and I took the shift as an opportunity to press my fingers over my engorged clit, I needed pressure, I needed a release now! I felt Derek clench his ass cheeks as he began to pound into me more forcefully now; all the while his beautiful tongue and lips never left my nub. _

"Derek!" I cried out into the night. "Finish me …," I pleaded weakly, my senses lost, my legs taut and angry, and my mind fuzzy with bliss.

Derek pulled back and hovered, his cock never leaving my pussy, I watched him through my heavy eyelids as he grabbed for a pillow. "Up, up," he said and oh my God, I willed my body to cooperate! He slid the pillow under my ass and wasted no time before he plunged himself deep down into me again.

_He gave me all he had in rapid succession, pounding into me, deeper, deeper – each strike was deafening, bone-melting and orgasm-inducing – my breasts heaved, matching his every movement, the friction between us was insane. Derek's eyes bore into mine, I reached down and pressed two fingers over my swollen clit, Oh God, I wanted to cum! I pressed harder, tortured bliss no doubt covering my face. _

"Let me," Derek said breathlessly, he leaned back slightly and pulled me towards him, reaching down he moved my fingers aside and pressed the fat pad of his free thumb over my wet clit, I pulsed at the pleasure of his pressure, clenching my ass cheeks, my vaginal walls went nuts, clenching furiously around his cock now. "Take it back," he ordered softly, I caught a glimpse of his eyes, the meaning of his words were not lost on me – _he was such a giver, such a lover_ – his thrusts became deeper and deeper as I watched him watch me take the dream back.

_I watched his glistening cock slip in and out of my core – filling me up – each and every time with precision. God, I would never tire of making love with Derek. Never. Ever. I loved him too damn much to ever give him up!_

_My eyes rolled back in my head then – for I was no match for my body's prowess for an orgasm – I let the current of bliss carry me out to sea, orgasms pinging every available nerve ending I had, my pussy wild with need, my capillaries broken, my senses muted. _

_Everything was bright blue, sparkling like millions of diamonds, all new and fresh and full of possibility as my lover and I became lost in each other and all of those impossible dreams! I clenched around Derek's cock then over and over and over again and let myself become lost within my lover, my soul mate, my heart, my angel, my savior, my fighter, my buoy, my everything as he became equally lost within me._

_I heard Derek call out my name and then felt him smack into me with blunt force, once, twice, before he collapsed on top of me._

_Only then did he reach around me and with a grunt, he pulled the pillow from under my ass and sank deeper and deeper into me, our dewy bodies joined for eternity now as we drifted off to a deep sleep wrapped around each other within our bubble on an island paradise in the middle of the ocean. _

'_I love you, I love you, I love you', I chanted silently as I fell into the undertow of bliss with my lover suffused to me like a tether. _

###

Sometime later I woke up, my body stiff and sore from utter exhaustion. I refused to open my eyes though – _for that repetitive and familiar swoosh, swoosh_ – of the water was back and it filled any and all available space in my mind now. I took a deep breath and focused, I could only see the bright blue water and sky mingling … I could only see the sea of diamonds, just as I did when we fell asleep.

I could not see the cold murky water I once saw, I only saw blissful oblivion as the water was replaced with Derek's blue gateways, his eyes crinkled with pure happiness while I sighed with joy in my heart, the dream of my reality was upon us once again and only then did I dare myself to open my eyes and let that _swoosh, swoosh_ fall away into the deep recesses of my mind.

But when I did, I was amazed by my realization – _I could still hear that fateful sound, in fact it was even stronger now that I was awake_ – for my ear rested on Derek's chest, straight on top of his heart muscle – _swoosh, swoosh_ – it pumped life into his veins as I lay there in awe and smiled widely in appreciation.

_Tears pricked my eyes and I thought to myself how drastically different everything had become since I woke up, how my life had become a feature-length film of sorts …_

_Complete with visions of the future, wild collective dreams realized, vibrant with colorful true stories and hope …_

_Hope for the beautiful midpoint and thousands of full moons – Derek's land – the sound stage on which we would make those undreamed dreams come true …_

_True love scripted with compassion and tolerance and kindness and perhaps most importantly, this film of my life was complete with my very own soundtrack – Derek's strong, purposeful, even and predictable heartbeat had indeed become the soundtrack of my life, swoosh, swoosh – and would surely set the stage for all of the impossible dreams we would come to realize throughout our life together. _

**Chapter 30 – You Are the One – Part 2 of 6 to follow.**


	72. Chapter 30, You Are the One, Part 2 of 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Remember, 6 moments of time spent over their time in paradise. Enjoy and by all means, keep your notes coming! Also thanks for the anonymous note, 'H', I hope you keep reading!**

**Chapter 30 – You Are the One – Part 2 of 6 **

We had been at Little Beach at Makena for several hours now – _swimming, sunning, reading, loving_ – and Derek was right, it was a perfect way to spend the late afternoon. The high temperatures of the day had all but simmered down, the heat not as oppressive. We agreed to stay until sunset, which was imminent now – _and without opening my eyes_ – I knew Derek gave up on his book once again in favor of falling asleep on me. His hot breath breezed across my bare belly and ribcage, his right arm along my left thigh, his left arm draped protectively across my abdomen, his finger tips just under the elastic of my bikini top at the base of my breast; I was in essence, his pillow. I smiled and opened my eyes, I looked up at the underside of the palm trees high above us – _the sky was still a perfect bright blue, the leaves dancing in the afternoon wind_ – the ocean rolled and swayed and crashed intermittently, Mother Nature's serenade, the soundtrack for our trip to paradise. We were situated along the back of the beach against some boulders, relatively out of the way from other people, although the crowd had thinned out since the last time I had my eyes open.

We had come back to our little piece of paradise after a quick swim and race out to the open sea about an hour or so ago … a race I fitfully won. I smiled and lifted Derek's wrist and looked at his watch and did a double-take – _was it really possible that I had been asleep for two hours_ – and why didn't Derek wake me? The sun would soon set, we had slept the rest of our afternoon away, which is the point of a vacation I guess, but it still didn't make it any more believable! I shifted under Derek, doing my best to wake him gently. I ran my hands up and down the smooth skin of his suntanned back, he sighed under my touch and I felt him become alive. He brushed his hand over my ribcage, tickling me slightly as he did.

"I love you," I whispered into the wind.

"Hmm, me too," he said, his voice still heavy with sleep, although I could tell he was smiling. He pulled himself up to share the beach pillow we brought with us from the villa and smiled all the way to his eyes. "Hi," he said, kissing me quickly.

"Hi," I said, dipping my tongue into his depths, just a taste of him was all I really needed. "How come you didn't wake me?" I asked as I pulled away from our kisses.

"Why would I wake you? We're on vacation," he smiled. "Plus, I fell asleep, I was tired after you beat my ass in that race," he laughed, closing his eyes for a beat as he did.

"We've been asleep for two hours, or I have … two hours," I sighed. "I can't believe it," I marveled.

"So I'm not the only one who's tired, I bet I could beat you if we went again for another round," he smirked, sitting up, looking out at the expansive ocean.

"Oh really?" I teased. I stood up, my head still spinning from my deep dreamless sleep. I put my hand out for him and Derek looked up with a tight smile.

He stood up and without hesitation he seized my lips for his own and pumped them wildly over and over and over again, stealing my breath with every wave of his kiss. I relished in the feeling of our bodies together – _skin on skin, belly to belly, knee to knee_ – as I draped my arms around Derek's waist and he held my skull, wielding complete control over our kisses. I relaxed into him, losing myself in his embrace and only then did he pull away. He smiled, a hint of mischief sparkled in his blue gateways and before I knew it, he was dashing down to the shore, leaving me in the dust!

_I ran down to the beach after him, all the while screaming obscenities at the devious boy within my lover, damn him! The moment my scorched feet touched the cooler water I was hit with the wall of my fatigue from our day in the surf and sun – I felt sluggish, but persevered, except my body was so drugged with relaxation that winning this race seemed an insurmountable feat at this point – but then I saw him, Derek had misjudged a wave and got blind-sided by it instead of ducking under. I seized the opportunity and bounded by him, yeah … karma, it could be a bitch!_

_Leaving Derek in the dust this time, I stealthily dove under an enormous wave – small powerful beads of air bubbles, cool and refreshing attacked my hot skin with unrelenting force as I swam up and out of the ocean's surface on the other side – once again, letting go of the last of my lingering fears from my dreamscapes. I swam to the next set of waves as fast as I could now – cut, cut, cut – through the choppy water – go, go, go – for I had no choice, if I didn't give it my all, Derek would surely win this rematch of a race!_

Salty air filled my lungs as I took one giant gulp of it before I threw myself under the last big wave, pumping my legs faster and faster through the warm depths – _anything to push up and beyond this set and arrive in the calmer open waters_ – a winner once again! I swam to the top of the surface now, turning as I did. I came up and opened my eyes, treading water, my nerve-endings were on fire – _letting myself sink slightly, just enough to feel the ocean floor _– I wouldn't be able to stand comfortably, but Derek would. I smiled as I saw him punch through to the surface.

_I continued to tread water as he made his way to me. The water was calm with peace and serenity out here – everything popped and I relaxed once again – I looked back to the white sandy beach … it looked so far away, although in reality we could surf three sets of waves and be under our enclave of shelter and blankets in less than five minutes, tops._ _Derek was in front of me in an instant, the moving water line equal to his pectoral muscles, his hands on my waist. I sighed; there was nothing but our raspy breathing and a couple of swimsuits between us now._

_I smiled and so did he – my lover was happy and carefree – happier than I had ever seen him and somehow his capability to shine like this only made me fall in love with him even more. _

"You won," he said breathlessly, his eyes smiling; his face wet, fresh and pink from his workout.

"I did, even with your head start," I teased, wrapping my arms around his neck, my legs around his waist, his body heat warming my core.

"Hmm, you did, you told me not to mess with you last time," he said, his lips begging for a kiss, his big heart out in the open for all to see.

"I did," I agreed with a giggle, squeezing my thighs around his hips. "So, why'd you press your luck?" I asked, before covering my lips with his, fueling my fire.

"Because I wanted a second chance to win and it was fun to sneak in that head start," he teased, but his breath hitched as he spoke – _I moved my hand down to his chest _– his heart raced under my touch. I smiled. "And because I really wanted you all to myself," he whispered.

"Oh, and it's more private out here somehow?" I laughed, but stopped when Derek covered my mouth with his and as he did, the world fell away.

_I opened my mouth, Derek darted his salty tongue into my depths, the current of the ocean moving all around and in between us – rocking, lulling, lulling rocking – as we kissed each other over and over and over again, for there would never be enough of his kisses, never, ever. I tightened my hold on Derek, submersing my hands in his wet locks, grabbing his hips with my thighs; his hands moved down my back and finally came to rest on my ass. He pulled me into him – the warm afternoon air moved across the ocean and us without abandon, pressing its rays onto our heads and shoulders – the water was warmer all of a sudden as I lapped and lapped at Derek's tongue as if this was our last kiss. Like I said, there would never be enough. _

"Derek," I sighed, losing all sense of myself as the current moved us and he began to kiss my neck and collarbone – _tiny little bone-melting nips was all it took and he knew that_ – I opened my eyes and pressed my wet hot center against his belly and moaned, the crescendo of an orgasm in the making.

_He kissed any bare flesh he could find, his wet locks tickling me as he went, ducking his head down lower and lower along the outline of my bikini top, pulling at the spandex with his teeth. My head was literally swimming out to sea, but I held onto my buoy still … my lifeline … my everything as I moved my hands up to flank his skull._

"Kiss me," I ordered gently, I caught his soulful eyes with mine right before I plunged my mouth over his again – _his hands moving up to my breasts as he did_ – my nipples puckering under his sinuous touch.

"I want you … so badly," Derek said into my neck, his breath tickling me, sending cold chills down my hot spine.

"Me too, me too," I muttered.

_We were lost at sea within each other, completely and utterly lost with no desire to be found – I wouldn't have hesitated to give myself to Derek freely, right here, right now – forgetting where we were for a moment … the realization upon me now as the water lapped up and in between us again. Derek's skin on fire with need, his cock all of a sudden rock hard as I swept my hand down and into his swim trunks to stroke him, he bucked his hips at my touch. God, his cock always felt so good! I grasped him, Derek's head lolled back and he moaned my name like no man before him – a code between us – his hips moved into mine, his fingers fumbling with the ties to my bikini bottoms now … no one could see us, right?_

I opened my eyes to check, but realized Derek had turned us so we were facing the open water now and then all was forgotten as I took in the sight before me. There was nothing for miles and miles, as far as my eyes could see – _nothing but the low sun in the sky_ – almost at eye level now, the colors in the sky had a searing intensity about them – _pink, fuchsia, orange, yellow, a blue mystic lavender I had never seen before_ – all mingled together, dwarfing me … yet another midpoint striking me down with its deafening beauty.

"Derek," I said, pulling him away from his ministrations – _he had untied one side of my bikini, his fingers moving to my hot center now_ – for we were so lost in each other, we almost missed the sunset. "Look," I whispered into his mouth, kissing him once more.

Derek pulled himself from my lips; I wrapped my arms tight around his neck, unwilling to let go. He turned his head and followed my gaze, resting his cheek along the crook of my neck high on my chest – _we rocked back and forth in the water_ – his hand resting in between my groin and bare mound. "Oh wow," he said, pressing a wet kiss to my shoulder.

"It's beautiful," I sighed into the space between us, the water pummeled against my back and rolled down to the shore all around us.

"See, it doesn't matter where we are," Derek whispered into my sticky skin, slipping one of his delicate fingers to my hot depths, I melted. "Hmm, you feel so good – _there's our midpoint_ – it's everywhere Meredith, it's us," he added before grabbing my earlobe with his lips, sucking on my skin there as he massaged my clit with his thumb, moving his finger in and out of my core – _the pump and release of the cool ocean flooding my hole felt so damn good_ – my heart was on fire, yet the power of cool water balanced me, completing me somehow.

I shifted slightly over Derek's fingers and moved my hand back down into Derek's swim trunks, caressing the velvety soft skin of his steel rod. "Hmm, I want you," I whined as he worked me over. "How … can we do this?" I managed to ask, my thighs squeezed tight around Derek's waist.

_Derek kissed me then, slow and gentle as he moved his thumb in a figure eight rotation over my clit – around, across, around, across he went – my nub was hot and swollen, on fire with raw need. I released my thighs; Derek pulled his fingers from my pussy and held on to my hips to ground me. I reached down and pushed Derek's swim trunks down, releasing his cock into the open water with us; it banged and bobbed against me, begging for entry. _

"Like this," he grunted, holding my hips, he moved me up. "Take me," he said, I grasped his cock, my body swaying with the warm currents now. "Hold me," he added and I did as he brought my hips down and pressed my opening against his cock.

He filled me up slowly, rocking me with the current, my pussy covering him like a wet suit. "Hmm, slow … slow," I said as I began move, Derek's hands firmly on my hips as I did, neither one of us wanted to lose the connection, it would be a fight to keep him inside of me.

_Up and down I went, our movements slow and purposeful – I clenched my muscles around him, adding friction – loving the feeling of his hot cock pumping in and out of me with the infiltration of the water, cooling me down as we started to move more rhythmically … slow, slow, slow. Derek began to kiss my neck and collarbone; nipping at my bikini top with his teeth again, moving the strap down slightly – my pebble-hard nipples released – his mouth covering them in and instant as he feasted on my flesh like a hungry baby. He flicked my hard peaks with his tongue now, unwilling to let up – flick, flick, flick – oh my God, tiny orgasms zapped my core wit force, all over – flick, flick, flick – they were everywhere! Derek thrust his hips up to meet the downward pressure of my movements. I wanted him – deeper, deeper, deeper – I pushed down over his cock again and swept my free hand down to massage my clit … hmm, I wanted to cum!_

"Derek," I moaned, my cry for my lover was swept out to sea.

I opened my eyes briefly; the sun was about to disappear, any minute now. I closed my eyes in bliss as my lover pressed up and into me – _slow, slow, slow_ – anything to keep him inside me now. I clenched my muscles, leaned back against his forearms and moved my hand down over my thigh to lightly palm his sack, gently rolling him in my hand – _back and forth_ – I felt him tighten and clench his ass cheeks up as he gently pushed his rod into my molten core with more fervor now. My hot juice began to flood the water all around us – _my sex as organic and raw as the ocean now, wafted up and into the air between us_ – hmm, I was close … so fucking close!

_Derek reached down and pressed two fingers around my clit, closing them together like a pair of scissors – flanking my nub – holding it steady while he gently pulsed his cock up and into me over and over and over again. The friction was unreal; my clit was on fire with need as it brushed up and down against Derek's abdomen – it was ripe, swollen – ready to pop! My muscles began to systematically clench around him then – tight, tight, tight – with no sign of letting up until my orgasm was released into me, popping everywhere, zapping me without discrimination!_

"Hold on," he said gruffly, I opened my eyes; the sun was almost touching the water. Inch by beautiful inch, second by miniscule second, the sun sank deeper into the ocean – _it touched the surface, I heard the sizzle, Derek pushed up and into me with more intensely now_ – the sun slipping below the horizon, my faculties slipping away from me as Derek pulsed his cock deep into my sopping wet hole once more as I clenched – _down, down, down, coveting him, holding him, keeping him_ – as my heart pounded in my ears and my orgasm spun out of control while the sun slipped below the horizon and finally disappeared.

_And that was it, for all the times Derek and I had made love and felt like we were cast out to sea – we were finally, in every sense of the way – buoys for one another._

_My orgasm rocked me; Derek spilled his seed into my core, only to have it ricochet out and into the ocean all around us. _

_All I could hear was the ocean's natural sound and our raspy breathing._

_All I could feel was Derek's hot twitching cock safely nestled in my core as my muscles relaxed around him, releasing my hold._

_All I could do was hold on for dear life … hold on to my lover without any intention of ever letting go!_

_I wanted him forever and always and always and forever._

Flutters of the beauty all around us crowded my brain now as Derek began to pump his lips over my wet skin. His softened cock popped from my core and I felt disconnected for a moment in time until I heard his voice. "I love you," he muttered into my skin. "I love you," he whispered, his lips over my neck now, nipping at the flesh of my earlobe. "I love you …," he said just above a whisper – _for my ears only_ – a cherished secret, coming straight from his soul.

_I reached down and held his skull in my hands, my eyes bore into his, I pressed my lips together – my heart on fire, my soul was burning up – tears pricked my eyes, but not out of sadness, rather from pure joy._

"I love you … isn't enough, it doesn't … it doesn't even come close, Derek … I love you," I said breathlessly, my pussy still on fire, still clenching, still seeking for his cock, my heart trembling now. Derek smiled. "I can't … I won't, I can't survive without you, you belong to me the way I belong to you," I said, clinging to him, holding his skull in mine, his hands draped low around my ass.

I held onto Derek as he tied my bikini bottom, never pulling his gaze from mine. "And I can't survive without you – _I already tried that and it didn't work_ – you'll _always_ be enough Meredith," he said, darting his tongue into my depths. "I'll love you until the day I die, there's no turning back," he whispered into my neck, fixing my bikini top as he pressed teeny, tiny kisses to my bare skin there.

And as we kissed each other under that magical misty lavender colored sky, I knew we had once again crossed over into something that was bigger than the here and now, for it was our future and it was as endless and limitless as our feelings for one another were. We just were and would always be enough for each other.

I knew, as sure as the blood flowing through my veins, that my love for Derek could only grow stronger – _that it would never wane and it would never falter, even when tested_ – for I loved him too much to give him anything less than all of me, all of the time … especially when he makes a run for an illegal head start.

**Chapter 30 – You Are the One – Part 3 of 6 to follow.**


	73. Chapter 30, You Are the One, Part 3 of 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: I must apologize for the long wait in between updates, I am the chair of a fund-raising luncheon at my daughter's preschool, the event is next Wed., needless to say I am inundated … but I look forward to updating more regularly thereafter. Another shorter, but just as sweet moment. Enjoy.**

**Chapter 30 – You Are the One – Part 3 of 6**

We walked along the private beach in front of the villa. This whole thing, this week of time alone felt surreal – _every moment felt like a dream I once_ _had_ – but never realized. The fact that I had memories like these – _romantic, completely intimate moments like this to cherish from my dreamscapes_ –actually ended up paling in comparison to the real thing!

_I was so in love with Derek it didn't even scare me anymore … it was just who I was and who I was meant to be all along, or so it seemed … was it fate or second chances or just my destiny calling? Perhaps I'll never know, but what I do know … is that I wouldn't change a damn thing._

I pulled Derek to me, my long indigo summer dress blowing in the cold night ocean breeze as we went, now secretly thankful for the cashmere blanket Derek made me drape over my shoulders before we left. We just returned from a luau – _choosing one that offered a private seating – _the food and entertainment was beyond spectacular … images of Polynesian dancers filled my mind now anytime I wasn't completely occupied. I was still there in spirit, it was a fantastically romantic program and even though I took my lay off as soon as we arrived back at the villa, I could still smell the sweet orchid flowers in my hair now, even as it moved wildly in the wind. We walked arm in arm off of our lanai and planned to head down to a set of boulders overlooking the ocean.

"Cold?" Derek asked, a wry smile covering his face as he turned toward me, zipping his charcoal gray fleece jacket up all the way to his neck.

I smiled, arching my brow. "Freezing, but I don't want to go in, not just yet … okay?" I pleaded and he chuckled, his smile so beautiful and relaxed, his suntanned skin glowing in the black night.

"Come closer then," he said, pulling me to him as we continued to walk. "Hmm, you smell so sweet," he sighed with a smile. "You smell like this island," he mused as we walked down some more.

"I do," I agreed, squeezing his hand only tighter.

I looked up; hoping for a glimpse of the stars, but my gaze only met the slightly overcast sky. I could see the moon shining through the cloud cover – _its bright light weaving in and out of the clouds_ – as we walked. The wind was moving the clouds out to sea, following us … playing hide and seek. We walked off of the manicured lawn and stepped onto the bright white sand of the beach, adding another facet to the contrasts I was feeling. The sand, while cool on top, was hot underneath the surface – _it felt like an endless supply of hot towels straight out of the drier_ – it warmed my feet, the sand in between my toes felt hot and dry … _cold, hot, cold hot_ as we made our way down to the ledge.

"Hmm, the sand is still hot," Derek commented.

"Feels good," I agreed, smiling as we came upon the boulders.

"So do you," he said, pulling me to him.

I reached up and draped the blanket over his shoulders, holding it in my fists, wasting no time before attacking his lips with mine, for there was nothing like a kiss to truly warm me up.

"Your nose is freezing," I giggled, but he only kissed me with more heat, I took a deep breath of him and the ocean and the hibiscus and was lost in the moment.

I stepped closer and closer, moving my hands into his hair, the blanket balled up in my fist, his hot breath breezed across my face, his hands roaming from my collarbone, down to my breasts. Derek moaned into my mouth. I seized his tongue, lapping at it over and over and over again until he pulled back slightly – _forehead to forehead_ – the wind whipped up all around us, but I couldn't feel it anymore, all I felt was my breathless heart. I stared into Derek's perfectly clear crystal gateways and the world stopped spinning, his hand moved down to my muscle – _whump, whump, whump_ – it pushed against his palm.

"The last two months have been the best time of my entire life," he whispered.

"Mine too, I swear, waking up and from that coma was the best thing that ever happened to me," I said softly into the private enclave of our bubble.

I kissed his swollen lips and he kissed mine right back. I leaned back and looked up into the sky, the moon was bright and nearly full – _it was so big, I felt like I could reach up and touch it with my fingertips_ – only then did I remember my _new-beginning full moon_ from my dreamscapes and then I couldn't help but smile.

"The moon is so perfect, do you see that, how it's so clear, the sky is so black," he muttered, lost in the beauty of it all. I turned to face him, the moonlight cascaded down and around him, he looked almost like an angel and he was … to me anyway.

"You know those low, fat harvest moons, the orange ones?" I asked, kissing the underside of his neck.

"Hmm, I do," he said, leaning in, he kissed me once more.

"I had a dream about one of those, my dreams were almost over then," I sighed into Derek's chest. "Although I had no idea they were, but it was beautiful all the same … it was the night I found the midpoint actually, it was the most beautiful vision ever …," I breathed.

Derek cradled my skull in his hands. "I can think of a way it could be more than that, Meredith," he whispered. "Think about it … thousands of midpoint full moons, countless nights together, I promise, the midpoint will be everything you ever dreamed it to be, all we have to do is keep our eyes open," he said, his eyes shimmering in the moonlight now. "Keep your eyes open, just open, okay …," he sighed. I watched a small tears escape from his eyes and I kissed them away without even thinking. He kissed me – _my lips salty and wet, his lips warm and inviting_ – pulling back, the wind picked up again, I burrowed my feet deeper into the sand.

"I love you," I said into his mouth, _I love you, I love you, I love you,_ I chanted to myself as he pumped his lips over mine, drawing me closer and closer and closer.

_Derek pulled away, his hands down on my ass now; he pulled me closer. I draped my arms around his neck and held on, the moon, the ocean waves crashing against the shore … we swayed in the wind, it pushed us … pushed us into yet another layer of our relationship, we had once again passed the point of no return. His eyes still glassy, I smiled and so did he. _

"Talk to me Derek," I said softly, feeling safe and warm in his embrace, wanting nothing more than to know what made his eyes well up with tears like that. My heart trembled, but not with fear, only with love. He sighed, his hot breath fanned down into my head before he pulled back, keeping his eyes trained on the waves crashing below our perch.

"When you were gone …," he whispered into the wind. "And your eyes were closed … when _you_ were closed – _your soul was yours to keep_ – your gateways were … hidden," he sighed and pressed his lips together before he turned to me. "It sucked the life out of me, not being able to look into your eyes," he sniffled. "I just … I told you I missed your eyes and I meant that … see, what I mean is … the midpoint, it's an amazing dream come true, I know it is, I know … but for me, for me it doesn't matter where we are Meredith as long as we are together, you have to know that _– right here, right now_ – you have to know that," he smiled, I leaned up and kissed him, soft and easy, his were eyes glassy, but his heart was happy and so was mine.

"I know … I know, it's deep within me and you, it's everywhere, I love you," I said, burrowing deeper into his warmth. "We only have two more days of paradise left …," I said reflectively.

"Hmm, I know," he agreed. "But we have the rest of our lives too," he said simply. "And I'm freezing and I want you, so … come, okay?" he said, taking my hand. We stepped away from the ledge.

_We started to walk back up to the villa, the night air freezing now as we were cloaked in a salty mist of the ocean, my hair damp. I held Derek's hand in mine; still marveling at our perfect fit after all this time. _

"What do you say to a bath?" Derek asked.

"As long as it's hot like I like it …," I teased. "I'm game," I squeezed his hand.

"Oh, it will be, trust me," he said, cackling like the devil inside of him.

###

_We entered the villa; I let the blanket fall to the ground and followed Derek into the spacious bathroom. With travertine tile, marble counter tops, sconces, and even more overhead lighting, this bathroom, while gorgeous, also seemed like a dressing room. It was cold and spacious and no matter how hot the shower got the humid air always found a way to escape. Over the course of our stay here, we had tried to make this large room more intimate. I purchased some candles the day after we arrived and Derek had draped some light beach blankets over the walls of the shower stall, just to shroud the tub. We had taken to using the candles instead of the big lights at night and I would have to say that now, this room was my favorite place in the whole villa …it was warm and inviting and completely private and shut off from the world, even from paradise. _

Derek started the tub, adding too much bubble bath as usual. I smiled and lit our abundance of candles. "I'll be right back, going to get some more towels," he said as he made his way out to the linen closet, for we had long-since cancelled our need for the housekeeping service in preference for being completely uninterrupted.

I leaned down and ran my hand through the hot water, hmm, there really was nothing like a hot bath. The smell of the flowers on my skin and hair became alive again as the damp; humid air swirled up and into the small atmosphere. Derek closed the door behind him and came to stand in front of me. He draped the towels over the hot rack and turned it on – _we were gonna have to get one of those thingys _– I smiled as I watched him. He turned toward me again.

"What?" he asked, smiling. Stepping closer, he moved his hands through my hair.

"I want one of those heating towel wrack thingys," I said with a smile all my own, my hands on his hips now.

"Anything, if hot towels make you happy, hot towels it will be," he laughed and I kissed him. "Hmm, so hard to please," he teased, but I only deepened our kiss, my hands working on the waistband of his pants.

Derek kissed me then, moving to the zipper on the side of my dress. He pulled it down and moved his hands to the fabric of my dress, kissing my bare flesh as he moved the straps down, kissing my damp flesh, I closed my eyes as he lips wandered down, down, down – _tiny kisses left indelible indentations on my skin, wet little impressions_ – barely there, yet never to be forgotten.

My head lolled back and my hands found his skull in an effort to ground myself. I held on as he pulled at my dress and it fell to my feet. On his knees now, Derek helped me step from the puddle of material there, only to assault my belly with a fury of wet sticky kisses. I moaned into the warm humid air all around us as he pulled my panties down – _pressing his nose into my pussy, breathing me in, he moaned_ – his steamy breath sparking a fire in my already hot core. I stepped from my panties and Derek stood again, this time kissing my neck and collarbone, his damp hair tickling my flesh as he did.

"Meredith," he whispered. I opened my eyes. "Come," he said, taking my hand, I stepped into the scalding water, I sat down … the water was perfect. I watched as Derek rolled a hand towel, he placed it at one end of the tub, holding it down for me, I lay my neck on it. He leaned down and pumped my lips, my eyes closing.

_Derek's legs flanked mine once he got in the tub. I opened my eyes and found him, completely relaxed – his skin glowing in the bouncing fiery light from the candles – I melted a little bit just then, for my lover was happy and sated and relaxed … it was more than I ever wanted for him in his life. The way we changed our destinies, the way he moved himself and changed his life for me … would forever be the thing that saved me over and over and over again. _

"Derek," I whispered. He opened his eyes, bright and blue and utterly carefree.

"When did you know you loved me?" I asked; my cheeks pink and not from the heat that encapsulated us.

"Hmm …," he smiled, knowing the answer already. "I can't remember not loving you," he said, his sparkling eyes boring into mine.

_I smiled and so did he, his legs laying next to mine, his hands finding my feet, but I them back and away from him and watched his surprised smile as I stood and moved to straddle him, water splashing everywhere, mini tidal waves crashing all around us as I settled myself on top of him. Breathless, from the intensity of the moment and the humidity all around us, I planted my lips upon his and kissed him – slippery and wet, skin against skin, over and over again – we were lovers forever and always and I could never get enough. Derek's hands were everywhere all of a sudden, his cock stood at attention, bobbing in between us, I pushed my abdomen against him, caging him there as it moved and poked and prodded me … begging for entry._

"What kind of answer was that?" I asked breathlessly, darting my tongue into his depths, my hands flanking his skull.

"The truth," he whispered his confession. "I've loved you forever … it wasn't just a line Meredith, it was the truth," he said, looking up and into my eyes. I moved the hair away from his brow and pressed myself against him. "And you?" he asked, before French kissing my earlobe, I wiggled over him, he put his hands on my hips and pulled me even closer, no amount of space between us now.

"When I saw you … do you remember Allison? That woman who was almost raped and …," I said, flutters of images from that day coursed through my brain, tears welled in my eyes – _her shoes, my shoes, her fingers, my fingers, the orphan within her, the orphan within me_ – I smiled weakly.

"Hey, hey," Derek said, kissing my cheek, cradling my head in his hands. "Tell me," he whispered. "Tell me," he pleaded.

"You stayed, with her … all night," I smiled, kissing his swollen lips, his skin fresh and pink, his hair messy and wet. I moved myself over him, passing my hand down; I grasped his cock. "I found you there, you said … she had no one and you stayed," I whispered, moving my hand up and down his hard shaft.

"Hmm," Derek moaned, his hips bucking up slightly as he did.

"And I fell in love with you, just a little bit when I found you there," I said evenly, raising myself up only to cover his cock with my core – _slowly, slowly, slowly_ – the world fell away.

"I love you," Derek whispered, I clenched my muscles around him then, staking my claim, making him mine again.

"I didn't have anyone, Derek," I smiled, tears gathering now, I moved up and down, pressing my heat over his cock, he filled me _up, up, up_. "You said I did, but you didn't know and …," I breathed, inhaling the humid air, taking in all in, Derek's mouth on my engorged nipples now – _sucking, pressing, biting_ – I moved my hips up and down, up and down. "I knew you were the guy who was always gonna show up … I knew," I sighed, my head lolling back, Derek feasting on my ripe flesh, his hand moving down to my clit, I leaned back, he pressed down hard, I bucked my hips. _Hmm, so fucking good!_

"Tell me, what did you know?" he asked, his fingers flanking my clit, his cock pressed up and deep into me now – _flick, flick, flick_ – went his tongue against my nipples.

"I knew it then, I knew," I said, moving over him now, back and forth with my hips, hot water splashing all around us from our actions. "It took time, but I know it even more now," I sighed into the thick air. "I knew I wasn't wrong about you, I love you," I heaved, my orgasm building.

_Derek leaned back then, catching my eyes with his. He slipped down slightly, his neck just above the water now; I leaned forward, bracing my hands on either side of his head, the porcelain tub felt cool against my hot fingers as I began to pump my pussy over him. I became relentless in no time – Derek's fingers pressed against my clit – my mind fuzzy with passionate haze. I banged into him, riding him like a horse, pushing myself further and further into him as he pressed up and up meeting my every action halfway! I clenched my muscles around him as hard as I could akin to a vise, there was no place for him to go but up and into me, I heard him cry out for me, I cried out for him in response!_

_Water was everywhere, Derek pressed over my clit again, completely fat and filled with blood, hmm, the pressure was divine! I pressed down on him even more, I simply needed more – my systematic clenching began – oh my God, he felt so damn good and hot and familiar and perfect, he filled me up like no other! I clenched again and he banged up and into me, hitting my cervix as he went! My orgasm came, rushing all through my body, pinging every available nerve-ending, snapping all over the place now as I held on tight and rode it out … I felt Derek smack up and into me once more, before his hot seed flooded the water all around us. And only then did I collapse. _

I pressed tiny kisses to his neck and chest, resting my head against his wet flesh, flicking my tongue against his nipples – _swirl, swirl, swirl_ – his cock still deep inside of me, safe and secure, we were still joined and totally in the moment together, no distractions, nothing but us.

I relaxed my hold on his cock; he popped out of me, my pussy tired as I shifted to his side, pushing myself down into the hot water with him. I draped my leg over his thighs and we lay there, suspended in time, deep within our bubble, wrapped around each other for _always and forever …_

… because he loved me _forever_ and I knew he was _always_ gonna show up.

**Chapter 30 – You Are the One – Part 4 of 6 to follow.**


	74. Chapter 30, You Are the One, Part 4 of 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Only 3 comments for the last chapter! I am so surprised, for those of you who endured this story, I always felt like this final chapter was your reward. It would be wonderful to hear from some more of you, especially after this section, for what happens within kind of solidifies their future together on many levels. Please let me know what you think, it would really mean a lot! **

**Chapter 30 – You Are the One – Part 4 of 6**

We drove on and on and on, around and around the beautiful windy pathway – _mountainous at times, scenic at others_ – it was glorious beauty at its finest really – _the illustrious Road to Hana_ – or as I like to call it, the road to nowhere … except perhaps paradisiacal beauty. Every frame in my head was one that I wanted to cherish forever and ever. I wanted to snap a photograph every other minute! Every visual experience topped the previous one tenfold. And it was only enhanced a trillion times over because I wasn't alone, Derek was here with me and that just made everything seem even more vibrant and colorful … however that was possible, it was the truth.

I looked out the window and kept my eyes trained on the horizon – _the endless sparkle of the ocean, the blue, the green, the shimmer of the diamonds_ – the dusting of the white caps, it was all there. We had just pulled out of one of the last fruit stands along the famous road. We loaded up on a variety of tropical fruits, both fresh and dried … everything was raw and organic, the car smelled like a smoothie now, I mused. A gust of fresh ocean air barreled through the open windows in the small SUV adding a salty element to the air now. I took a deep breath in and pushed it down into my lungs, doing my best to savor more than just images in my head now.

I turned to Derek – _he was lost in thought_ – and had been for most of the morning, reflective would be a good word to describe him. But who am I to judge, I had been full of reflection – _hell this island seemed to permeate reflection_ – and even I didn't _want_ to reflect, something told me I would be hard-pressed not to – _the natural beauty here alone_ – cultivated a desire to see beyond the usual … and reflect. Derek turned to me then, sensing my eyes on him perhaps. I smiled.

"If you still want to check that geyser out, I think it's coming up in the next mile or so," he offered, smiling from ear to ear.

"I do," I smiled back.

We drove along the road some more and before I knew it we came upon the small turn off for the beach with the geyser. Derek merged into the line of traffic and we parked with relative ease. I unhooked my seat belt and we hopped out, we were literally at the top of a ravine – _the endless ocean below_ – it was all I could see, it went on forever. I grabbed our things and a baggie of some chile-spiced dried mango. I checked the bag, adding a couple of bottles of water and donned my oversized sun hat. I had on a rust colored sundress with my bikini under that, I grabbed a white long sleeve linen shirt from the back seat and pulled that on. _I squinted up; the sky was brightest blue I had ever seen, so clear, so endless … just stunning. _The afternoon sun shone brightly in the sky, the heat pounded down on us and it could be unforgiving, but the ocean breeze added just the right amount of cool air – _the island synergies were perfect_ –always peaceful, always welcoming.

Derek walked around to the front of the truck – _he was wearing a navy pair of board shorts and an old ratty tee shirt he loved, one he wore almost every day on this trip_ – I smiled, he had his small camera and cell phone in hand, I opened the bag and he tossed them inside, before backing me up against the truck. "Hi," he said, caging me in, ducking under my big hat, he pushed his nose against mine; his hot breath breezed across my collarbone.

"Hi," I said, kissing his lips, pumping – _once, twice_ – he tasted like pineapple, I took a deep breath of him, indulging in him whenever I had the chance now, he pulled back, always smiling it seemed.

"Lets go check it out," he said, the exuberant child in him was making more and more appearances as of late. He took the bag from me, slung it over his shoulder and grabbed my hand.

We walked down the natural path together, there were some other tourists around, but it wasn't too crowded which was nice since we had done our best to avoid other people thus far on this trip. We walked down for about a minute, towards the ocean, under the shelter of some palm trees, their large leaves keeping the hot sun at bay as we went. When we stepped down to the bottom of the pathway, it left us at a natural plateau of sorts – _the ocean breeze slammed into us now_ – passing over us, cooling us down instantly.

The rocks were large and black and flat, there was space in between them, but it was mere inches, we could easily walk along the whole cliff, it almost looked like a natural parking lot, or scenic overlook. We could just walk out – _there was a grouping of tourists over to the far left of the area_ – I could only assume the geyser could be seen from that vantage point. Derek walked in the opposite direction. "Lets come over here, I think we'll be able to sit and still see the geyser if it shoots," he suggested.

We walked along the black rocks, the heat radiating from them was insane … I would need more sunscreen for sure. Derek dropped our bag and I turned my attention to the geyser area, hoping the tide was high enough to see some action. I looked back to find Derek, he had laid the towels down, one on top of the other and looked up to meet my gaze. "The rocks are hot aren't they?" he stood up. "Do you want to walk over there and check it out?" I asked.

"Sure, come on," he said, pulling my hand. We left our things and made the short jaunt to the edge of the rocks.

"The geyser is just over there, but the tide isn't high enough yet, it's coming in though … soon," he said, his voice lost in the wind as he came to stand behind me.

"I can't believe we're leaving tomorrow night," I said softly, my heart a little bit sad at the notion of leaving all of this behind. "I wish the sun would shine more in Seattle," I smiled reflectively, leaning back and into him. "It's been an amazing trip," I smiled.

"Hmm, it has … we could come back next year," he offered, kissing my neck. I kept my eyes trained on the geyser area … hoping for a glimpse.

"Yeah?" I asked, it sounded perfect, too good to be true.

"Yeah, lets make it a tradition – _we'll come back and stay in the same villa and get lost all over again _– what do you say?" he asked into my ear, his breath hot, the ocean pushing against us – _hot, cold, hot, cold_ – perfectly in sync just like the island.

"Are you asking me out again?" I chuckled. "You know – for_ a second date in paradise_ – because I can pretty much promise you I'm going to be here with you … next year," I said, turning into him slightly.

"And the year after that?" he asked, and I knew his eyes were sparkling under his sunglasses.

"Yep and the year after that too," I said softly.

"Good," he said. "Can you promise me something else then … you know, if we're gonna keep coming back here year after year after year …?" he asked, his arms low against my belly now, his chin on my shoulder.

"I can try," I said softly, my heart racing, I kept my eyes on the horizon still.

"Promise me that you'll always remember how happy you are right now – _right this minute_ – how grounded and happy you feel," he sighed, leaning into me. "Even when we aren't in paradise, even when we've had shitty days at work and lose patients and … you know, when real life stuff happens all around us?" he asked gently. "Because our job is a hard job and our life will be good, _very good_, but hard too _– for better or for worse_ – can you try to always remember how you feel _right now_?" he asked, his voice thick.

"I will … if you will," I said; my heart beating wildly as I turned into his arms. "I love you, for now and forever and gray, dreary Seattle and real life isn't going to change that …," I smiled. "It's only going to make it better, I promise. _That_, I can promise, you'll see Derek … we'll have each other to come home to …," I said before I closed my mouth over his.

_We kissed then, a life-giving kiss – gentle, soft, hard, meaningful, passionate – it was an all consuming kiss, it was one of longevity, it was one of promises … it was one I would never forget and be sure to remember when would come back to paradise for years and years to come. Derek pulled away first, his smile so real, so full of joy, pure joy, the wind whipped up all around us, having no place to go – it just funneled through the area –and was all but gone a beat later. _

"I love you," Derek said breathlessly, his aura completely captivating me now, I was lost … instantly.

I scrutinized him for a beat, his ease in proclaiming his love sometimes just shocked me sometimes. His apparent joy – _the power of his love for me just threw me off_ – we loved each other, we made it to the other side, how did it all happen? Sometimes I had to wonder, I shook my head and felt my cheeks flare up for some reason. I turned my head slightly away and smiled, unable to even look at him.

"You're blushing!" Derek laughed, turning me towards him again.

"I am not!" I exclaimed, pushing on his chest slightly. He raised his sunglasses and cupped my face with his warm hands.

"You are, look at you," he teased softly. "You're face is hot!" he smirked. "Aren't you used to that by now?" he asked quietly now, more serious. He stepped closer, obliterating any space between us, his feet touching mine, his hands around the small of my back. "I love you … I … love … you," he said slowly, tugging at my lips, dipping his tongue in for a taste, my insides melted … just a little. I pulled away with a smirk of my own now.

"I love you too, I really, really do … sometimes it just hits me, I mean … _you love me_," I said, smiling now, kissing him once more for good measure.

Derek pulled back and smiled. I heard the familiar ring of his cell phone and he turned his attention to our stuff and jogged over to get it. He rooted through the bag and opened the phone.

"Hello?" he said into the phone, a finger in his other ear. He smiled at me.

"Oh great, perfect, can you have someone deliver it?" he asked, still smiling. "The mailbox would be fine," he said. "Thanks, we are … … yes … thank you," he said and then snapped the phone shut. He tossed it into our bag.

"So, what's up?" I asked.

"Do you really care about the geyser?" he asked desperately, a mischievous look crossed his handsome features.

"No … seriously, no," I laughed.

"Good," he said leaning down, he swiped the towels from the ground. He handed one to me, it was hot from the sun and the rocks. We began to fold them up. "I want to get back to the villa, I have something I want to give to you," he said, a small smile played along his whole face now.

"A gift?" I asked, my cheeks heating again.

He eyed me curiously. "You're blushing again," he said, taking the towel from me, jamming it into the bag along with his now.

"Well," I sighed. "Since when do we give each other … material things?" I asked softly.

"There's a first time for everything, c'mon," he nudged. "It will take us hours to get back, you can wonder the whole way what it is and drive yourself crazy guessing," he laughed, kissing me once more. "I want to be back before sunset," he whispered into my ear.

"Before sunset, huh?" I mused, my mind already at work.

"Yes … let's go, okay," he said, the exuberant child had returned once more. "I want you Meredith, always and forever, and I really, really want to give you this gift," he said, his voice laden with emotion … and just like that, my man was back.

"Okay, let's go," I said. "But _I'M_ driving back!" I exclaimed before grabbing the keys from him and tearing up the pathway as fast as I could – _with my lover, my everything running after me now _– it seemed things were just how they should be.

###

Several hours and hundreds of potholes later, we arrived back at the villa … we had about an hour before the sun would set. I lay now in our bathtub – _hot water soothed my every pore_ – candle lights flickered all around me, a silent battle ensued between them as I watched the flickers bate and tease each other, the patterns ever changing, always intriguing … I closed my eyes, I could still see the flickers in my head – _dancing, swaying_ – I opened my eyes again and sighed with relief.

Relief because just before we arrived back here, I asked Derek to tell me if he was planning some elaborate proposal, or something like that … something that I made clear to him that I wanted desperately, but that I didn't think we were completely ready for. My heart raced now, even thinking about our conversation. Whatever Derek had planned was not a marriage proposal ... his words on instant replay now in my head.

"_A marriage proposal isn't a gift," he had declared softly. "A marriage proposal is a declaration of love and a promise for the future," he said with a smile, he chuckled. "I declare my love for you all the time, in my head and out loud to you … I love you, I want you, you're all I'll ever need and this gift says that and so much more …," he said softly. "This gift says forever, this gift won't allow us to forget how we got here," he smiled, taking my hand from the steering wheel, brushing his wet lips across my skin. "One day, we'll be married … you know that and so do I, this gift just brings us together … you'll see," he said, cocking his head, smiling from ear to ear as I watched his mind wander into the future. _

I smiled and pulled the plug from the water and rose from the tub, water cascading down all around me. I stepped onto the plush carpet and grabbed my robe. I grabbed a towel and patted myself dry, my skin hot, my muscles relaxed. I let my hair down and smoothed it away from my damp face and skull, trying to cool my neck off as I went. I slipped on a fresh pair of panties and a sea foam green strapless dress I pulled from the closet, looked at myself one last time before I exited the solitude of the bathroom in search of my lover.

I walked down the length of the villa, my skin pricked from the cooler air, I thought to grab a cashmere blanket, but settled on finding Derek first. The marble floor shocked my hot feet as I went quickly on my way. I bypassed the bedroom and headed straight for the living room. The late afternoon-evening breeze circulated all around the place, we had gotten into the habit of leaving all of the windows open – _relishing in the natural cross-breeze_ – and the sense of freedom that went along with wide open spaces. I found Derek standing on the lanai – _still wearing the same clothing, still deep in thought _– much like he had been all day it seemed.

I walked up behind him, snaking my arms around his waist. "Hi," I said into his back. He covered my hands with his. I kissed his spine through his tee, taking a deep breath of him in as I did, I just couldn't get enough of him … I just couldn't.

"Hi," he sighed with a smile. "Your skin is still hot," he murmured before turning around. He pulled me closer; kissing my lips with his cool ones – _hot, cold, hot, cold_ – perfect balances were prevalent between us once again.

"I could warm you up," I said softly, his eyes lighting up as I spoke, dancing they were.

"You could and you … will," he laughed like the devil.

"Oh really?" I quipped.

"Really, really," he laughed and then pressed his lips together.

He sat down on the deep-cushioned love seat and tugged at my hand; pulling me down to sit next to him. The horizon was flooded with a swirl of magical colors now … pink, orange, merged with lavender-fuchsia. I turned my attention back to Derek and leaned over to kiss him then – _soft and quick_ – just enough before I looked out over the horizon again, the sun in full decent now. It was then that I noticed a legal size manila folder on the coffee table. A pen lying on top.

Derek followed my gaze and leaned over, he grabbed the pen and the folder. "This is for you," he smiled. "Why don't you take a look, I'll hold the pen," he said softly.

_I smiled, running my hand over the smooth texture of the folder, unsure of what I would be met with once I opened it – a fury of emotions ran through me then – for somehow I knew we were on the precipice of something … life-changing. My heart raced, heat consumed me. _

"Go ahead," he smiled.

_And so I did._

I opened the folder and was met with a title deed. I scanned the document, my hands trembling as I read the words – _"Grey's Point"_ – I looked to Derek but he only smiled.

"_Grey's Point?"_ I asked.

"Hmm, yeah," he breathed, putting his arm around me then. I sank into him, losing myself a little bit, seeking the solace only he could provide.

"But Derek … _"Grey's Point", _what is_ "Grey's Point"_?" I asked again, my mind blurry, the words swirling around in my head like the sunset of colors in front of me. And unlike the sun, I could find no clear path.

I looked back down to the document; there was a small place at the bottom for each of us to sign. But all I could focus on was – _"Grey's Point", one acre, formally known as the "our midpoint", "Grey's Point" _– the collection of words and phrases became fuzzy around their edges … my mind working hard to absorb the magnitude of this "gift".

"It's the one acre circumference that surrounds the midpoint Meredith – _your midpoint_ – the one I would have never seen, the one on which we will build our house of dreams," he said softly, turning towards me, taking my hands in his. He smiled all the way up to his eyes, tears pricked mine though and they splattered along my cheeks without recourse. Derek's eyes became wet too, but he only smiled still. "It's yours – _"Grey's Point"_ – it's the midpoint you shared with me, the one of _your_ dreams … it's yours okay, Meredith – _it's_ _yours to take back_ – and to … give back," he said, cradling my skull in his hands now. He smiled again. "You can … you know – _give it back to us_ – maybe one day when you become … a Shepherd," he breathed, emotion lodged deep in his throat, tears flooded our eyes, but he only smiled still.

My heart stopped beating and the world fell away as it often did when Derek took my breath as his own. I fell into him then – _truly my everything, my lover, my fighter, my angel, my savior, my soul mate_ – and everything in between. My own voice had no place to go – _I only had action_ – I only had my heart and so did he … so did he.

_I held on tight and Derek held me tighter as the sun went down on another beautifully perfect day in paradise. We held each other for what seemed like forever in that moment, Derek breathing me in while I did the same – relishing our bubble, the energy of us – no worries or cares in the world. He kissed my neck and I moved my head to find his lips and I kissed him with everything I had in me – no sense in trying to hold back anymore – I could never want more in my life and __for__ my life than I already had at this moment. _

"Does that mean you're gonna sign it?" Derek asked, pulling away to ask, only to kiss me again before I could answer.

"Yes, yes …," I said into his mouth, before I pulled away, cradling his skull in my hands, for now it was my turn. "But only with the promise that one day it will be _"Shepherd's Point"_," I smiled. "I love you … one day okay, promise me, promise me I'll be_ able_ to give it back," I said, kissing his lips again – _salty tears, sweet pineapple_ – another perfect balance complete.

"Only if you'll say _'yes'_ when I ask," he said, brushing his nose against mine, his eyes sparkling against the purple sky.

"Oh, I will, I will," I said, kissing him deeply.

"Then I promise," he said, his hands in my hair, his lips on my neck.

"Then I'll sign it," I said as I turned into him.

_And in that moment, when the sun disappeared below the horizon – I disappeared within my lover – becoming lost within him and our kisses and our dreams and our future and our promises and our undying love for one another._

_I kissed him on the promise to give back the midpoint one day … for that precious piece of land to remain "Grey's Point" and for the fate of it to become "Shepherd's Point" when the time was upon us._

**Chapter 30 – You Are the One – Part 5 of 6 to follow.**


	75. Chapter 30, You Are the One, Part 5 of 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Hope you enjoy, we are almost there, only one more part following this one and then the epilogue! Thanks for your kind words, keep them up!**

**Chapter 30 – You Are the One – Part 5 of 6 **

It was 2 AM when I rolled over early the next morning, and half of me wanted to scream because we had only just gone to sleep at midnight. But the other half me wanted to jump up and down on the bed to wake Derek because I was so excited! We were at the precipice of another bittersweet moment, for sadly tonight we would go home, but not before we would have one last amazing day, which would start in about an hour.

I turned into Derek, taking in his sleeping form, his wild hair over his brow, his arms hugging his pillow, he looked like the boy he once was I was sure of that now. I snuggled deeper into the blanket to find warmth, keeping my eyes trained on Derek for moment before I closed them for a beat, only to open them and find him exactly where I left him. I thought to roll into him, wake him up – _but then I had a delicious idea and decided against that_ – for now.

I slowly slipped from the warmth of the sheets, keeping my eyes on Derek as I did; the cooler nighttime air pricked my naked skin. I grabbed a white over-sized robe, trying it around my waist, one eye still on Derek's gorgeous form – _and as I took him in, I was reminded of the peace he found on this trip_ – and then I could only smile for the day ahead and for the years into the future, where I would most likely have many moments like this one. I sighed and padded my way out of the dark bedroom and into small hallway, the cold marble floor waking me up as I headed to the kitchen to make some coffee and gather our things for the day I had planned.

Earlier in the week, I secretly made plans for Derek and I to take a sunrise bike tour down from the Haleakala Crater, located at the ten-thousand foot summit of the Haleakala Volcanic Mountain. When I first heard about this excursion I was excited, mainly because I thought it would be a chance for us to see another midpoint as the sun rises above the summit. And now, with a week's worth of midpoints behind us – _some named, some not_ – it seemed all the more special because it was my surprise … my way to show Derek that the idea of the midpoint really does have endless possibilities, just like we did.

I moved the toggle of the light switch up just enough to give me some light for my task; I also didn't want to really wake all the way up, not yet anyway, at least not without Derek. I got the coffee started and pulled the reservation fax from a stack of papers I had collected during the week. My eyes fell on the file containing the title deed for _Grey's Point_, tears pricked my eyes and the mess of papers became blurry around the edges. I sighed into the private space all around me and closed my eyes; I could the distant crashing of the waves and nothing else.

_I secretly wondered if I would ever get over the perfect intensity of Derek's gift … for surely whenever I would look out over 'Grey's Point', I would invariably dream of the limitless possibilities of the horizon and think of a time in the future when it would become 'Shepherd's Point', just as its fate and destiny dictated it would._

I opened my eyes and focused once more on the task at hand. The reservation form listed bunch of tips and ideas for what to pack, considering weather conditions could be quite variable at the summit altitude – _cold, high winds, damp, dark and thick low lying clouds, low enough to get lost in_ – versus the weather once the sun would rise over the summit and we would make our decent down, no doubt we would be shedding clothing as we went.

I grabbed a couple of small backpacks from the hallway closet and packed them full with sunscreen, sunglasses, Derek's small camera, a couple of tubes of Chapstick and some packages of dried fruit. We would stop for breakfast on the way down the highway much later in the morning and on that note, the coffee maker loudly announced it was finished by pushing out the last of the hot water –_ percolating wildly with excitement _– the aroma waking me a little as it did. I walked slowly to the back mudroom and pulled some fresh clothing from the dryer – _tees, shorts, underwear, socks and sweat suits for the morning_ – I spied our parkas and gathered those too, we would need those for the time we spent at the top of the summit for sure.

I folded the clothing and made my way back to the kitchen. A light nighttime breeze moved over the lanai and into villa – _silently waking me up just a little bit more_ – I pulled my robe tighter around me in response, undeterred by the challenge ... for very soon I would be warm enough! I filled two coffee mugs and turned the pot off. I did my best walking slowly back to the bedroom with the clothing under my arms and the coffee mugs in front of me. I slipped back into the room, much darker now, except for the small glow of the light coming from behind me. I put the coffee mugs down and lay the clothing on top of the dresser next to the mugs.

I turned to watch Derek sleep again, taking in his peaceful slumber as I pulled my robe off and slipped into bed next to him. Reflexively he wrapped himself around me, I kissed his neck and chest and relaxed into him for a moment – _listening to the even tempo of his heartbeat as I did _– I raised my leg and crossed it over his thighs, he reached down and palmed my ass. I kissed his neck, before I shimmied down his torso, placing my hand on his semi-flaccid cock, moving my hand up and down then, I peeked up … Derek was still fast asleep.

I smiled and moved to crouch over him, my knees on either side of his right leg now. I bent down and took the sensitive head of his cock in my mouth then, running my tongue up and down his flaccid shaft, gently holding him with one hand as I did. _He tasted so good, familiar … like us, still swathed in our sex from last night, he just drew me in, I loved sucking him off, and really, there was nothing else like it._ I felt him shift a little, I peeked up, my mouth around him, he was still sleeping, his cock grew under my touch and pushed a little deeper into my mouth now.

I relished in the complete control this gave me … the trust between us resonated too. I felt Derek squirm again, he bent his left knee like a jackknife, I looked up, his eyes were still closed, one arm above his head, the other across his belly now. His cock became harder still and I sucked his length a little more forcefully now –_ up and down with my tongue, lubricating his rod for longevity_ – for he would be awake soon and I so desperately wanted to get him off, to taste him, to have him and covet him for my own. I bent over a little more now, my hair falling forward, brushing against his thighs and belly as I worked. I swirled my tongue around and around his head now – _holding him at the base of his cock with one hand still_ – my other hand massaging his sack, my breasts cutting across his knee as I worked, my nipples crystallizing in response to the skin on skin contact.

_I took him fully in my mouth then, a ferocious need to taste him filled me – it was carnal now, my need for him, I was lost in a sea of my desire for him – my pussy wet and on fire, my core ignited from the anticipation of his seed in my throat. I sucked him deep and hard then, for there was no turning back as his cock began to twitch in my mouth, I peeked up just in time to see Derek's eyes fly open and feel his hands flank my skull._

"_Meredith,"_ came his tortured call.

_But that call fell on deaf ears, for like so many times before – I was already lost and hoping to stay that way – at least not for another few minutes._ _I sucked harder then, just one taste was all I wanted! The race for the finish was on now, it was a game really, my own private one. For Derek had this desire, this need to cum inside me – I don't know why, I never asked – I presumed he loved the connection of that, of our cumming together in our lovemaking. And … so did I – I loved that more than anything actually – but every once in a while, I wanted to taste him ... I just had to._

_Derek's hands moved around my skull as I worked, I felt him tug on me, pulling me up, he called out to me, but I was lost in my work and my own desires, I would taste__ him, I would! I moved my tongue up and down his long shaft and then focused my attention on his head again, I swirled my tongue around and around his opening, siphoning now, suctioning, drawing him out. I took a deep breath of him in, filling my nose with his earthy essence. I gently passed my fingers over his sack – back and forth – palming him there for a moment. Derek pushed his ass cheeks up response, his cock pressed deep into my throat now and I knew he was close!_

_In the deep recesses of my mind I heard him call out to me again, but I only stepped up my pace, pressing his thighs down as I went, putting my mouth over his full length now, I sucked hard and then released – and only then did I get my reward._

_He came fast._

_I drank him down._

_I simply could not get enough of this man._

_He was all I really wanted sometimes._

_And every time it was the same._

_Every time it was euphoric._

_I couldn't explain it if I tried … but sometimes I just wanted to lose myself in the essence of him – I craved it, needed it to survive – he might argue and say it lacked a spiritual connection, I know he liked to make eye contact with me, to look at me, to connect (although I know nothing would pull him from me when I flooded his mouth with my sex), and of course I loved that connection, except that sometimes I wanted something else entirely, sucking Derek off was always a perfect fulfillment of my spiritual and carnal needs. Perfectly balanced … every time. _

_I sucked him dry and cleaned him up, his hands relaxed against my skull, for he had surrendered, he was awake ... he was sated and so was I._

_Derek moved his hands through my hair; I felt his torso tighten under my palm on his abdomen as he reached down for me. I French kissed his semi-flaccid cock, swirling my tongue as I went. I kissed him there once more, filling my nostrils with his scent before I moved my lips up, up, up to his abdomen and then to his ribcage, then to his chest – stopping briefly to flick my tongue against his tiny nipples – then up to his neck and then to his mouth ... my other prize._

"Hmm, so good," he purred. "Are you happy?" he asked in between kisses, his voice as slow and even as his heartbeat now.

"Yes," I giggled into his mouth.

"Good," he smiled in the darkness. I kissed him again, and he only held me tighter. "I love you … you wear me out," he said, the soft timbre of his laughter filled the room.

I rested my head in the crook of his shoulder and breathed in his earthy scent – _my sex swirled into the air, my pussy still sopping wet_ – but I had no need to be satisfied in that way, I was perfectly content and perfectly awake – _and in my euphoric haze_ – I had almost forgotten about my surprise! I leaned up onto my elbow and kissed his cheek, he smiled and reached down, bringing my thigh up, my knee brushing against his sated cock as I kissed his neck.

"Derek," I whispered.

"Meredith," he whispered.

I smiled. "We have to get up," I said, running my hand back and forth over the soft skin of his chest. He kept his eyes closed; his fingers found my wet pussy.

"Hmm, you want me," he laughed, slipping one finger into my depths.

"Always," I sighed with satisfaction. "You know that," I said, my laughter filled the room now, his finger nestled there.

_I made to kiss him again, but before I knew it, Derek had pulled my thigh up and rolled me over, pinning me down on the mattress, his torso in between my legs, I giggled as he kissed me, his mouth a perfect fit over mine, as always._

"Hi," he said as he pulled away, wide awake now, that sexy smirk plastered along his face.

"Hi," I giggled. "I'm serious, we have to get up," I said as he began to kiss my neck, before dropping his lips to my chest.

He pinned my hands above me and began his decent, his wild hair tickling me as he went, capturing my nipple in between his lips, he pulled back and released – _flick, flick, flick_ – I squirmed under his touch, my pussy drenched with need now, his capable hands caressing my skin as he moved _down, down, down_ to his prize.

"I _am_ awake … unless this is a dream," he breathed. "And if it is … then don't wake me," he said into my skin. "'Cause I'm right where you want me to be," he sighed, his eyes closing.

_Dream or not, my sex wafted up and into the air all around us – and it took everything I had not to cum on the spot – I moaned as Derek kissed my nipples, teeny, tiny wet kisses, butterfly wings, my favorite kind. He moved his hand down and pressed the heel of his palm against my mound, before dipping a finger into my molten core – my eyes flew open this time – I turned my head and saw the clock, damn it, we had to leave!_

"Derek," I called out desperately, his thumb brushing against my clit now – _back and forth, up and down_ – he went … hmm, so damn good!

_I felt Derek's lips on my abdomen, one hand roaming across my breasts, the other occupied with my wet pussy, my hands deep in his wild locks, my legs fell to the side – all logic vanished – for I was already lost in bliss, I was already gone, too far gone to stop… except we had to._

"Derek," I called out, trying to sit up now.

"Hmm, my turn," he said, his voice thick, my clit fat now as his hot breath breezed across my pussy.

"Derek … please," I whispered, losing my resolve now, taking his head in my hands, leaning forward. His heavy eyes found mine, he rested his chin on my pelvic bone, his fingers still nestled in my pussy.

"Hmm, what love?" he said, moving his fingers in and out of my channel now. "Why do I smell coffee?" he asked, planting his lips along my belly now.

"I have a surprise for you," I said breathlessly, with a smile, my pussy on fire, my heart racing. Derek smiled wickedly, raising his brow.

"And coffee is part of it?" he asked, removing his fingers, pressing his thumb against my clit as he raised himself up on one elbow.

"Hmm, yes … yes," I moaned, losing myself again for a moment, my eyes rolled back into my head.

"You feel so good," he soothed, leaning down, he swirled his tongue around and around my nipples, working the fingers of his other hand up and down my slick folds, my hands found his skull.

"Sunrise," I muttered, I opened my thighs wider. "Crater," I moaned as he brushed his thumb across my nub.

"Hmm, yes," he said into the damp skin of my chest, nipping and sucking as he went.

"Bike ride," I moaned as Derek pressed kisses _down, down, down _before stopping at heaven's gate.

"Bike ride," he said, his nose in my pussy now, his hot breath fanning me everywhere, tearing my core up, his fingers coated with my juice. "Just a taste … first," he muttered, his voice a million miles away now.

_With that promise, I opened my thighs wider to accept him and only when I felt the tip of his tongue move up and down my folds did I truly lose myself. Derek swiftly positioned himself over me, pressing my thighs back with his forearms, he moaned into my hole – __the vibration ricocheted quickly, zapping my nerve-endings as it traveled my spine __– finally centralizing back to my clit where it all started. Derek worked my nub now, pulling it gently in between his lips, only to release it once again. The pressure was insane, his fingers moving in and out, his whole mouth over my hole now, sucking and siphoning my sex as he went. _

"Derek!" I heard myself call out, but he only attacked me again, this time with more tenacity.

_Oh God! His mouth on me was one of my most favorite things. I wiggled under his touch, but he only held my thighs back and open – he was in control and it was my pleasure to give myself to him – I felt his tongue next to his finger now, nestled deep inside me now, the pressure … nothing short of divine._

"Hmm," he moaned into me again. "This was worth waking up for," he said, French kissing my pussy. "Always is," he said into my hot hole.

_I peeked down, my eyes heavy, I was sated with pure bliss; Derek was lost in my sex, no different than I within his._

_I opened my legs wider, pressing my feet flat against the mattress. I watched him press his thumb into my pussy and pull it out, his hot breath fanning along my folds, inserting his thumb again … my muscles clamped down – holding him there, suspended in time – until he wiggled it free, it glistened with my sex against the light coming in from the hallway. He gently spread my folds back now, exposing my fat nub; he ran his tongue in a figure eight formation, around and around and around, my pussy muscles went wild now … clenching down, down, down. Derek inserted two fingers into my core and pulsed against my muscles, with the even pressure of his tongue still on my clit – the dual sensation – unmatched!_

"Derek!" I yelped. "So … close," I said breathlessly, he pressed against my thighs again, holding me down.

_I held his skull in my hands, holding him somehow grounded me, I held him where I wanted him, where I needed him most! He pressed his whole mouth over me again, his fingers nestled deep inside my fleshy muscles, his delicious tongue swirling around my clit until he rendered me helpless – gone, over the top, my body held no definition now – as he pressed his lips around my clit and pulled it back, only to release it and suck it up again, my juice flooded his mouth! My pussy raw now as Derek pricked my clit one last time with a tiny bite – just enough – the perfect amount of pressure to toss me out to sea!_

_And that was it – that was all it took – he was all I ever needed to get me here …_

_All was quiet now as I traveled to my destination ..._

_Back to the den of pleasurable bliss …_

_The point of no return …_

_The place where I held no definition … _

_The place I longed to be with him, only him … forevermore …_

_And so I began my decent into the abyss, free falling now, Derek's mouth still on me, cleaning me up, French kissing me, loving me, sexing me … annihilating me with my own need and want for him, every single time._

"I love you," Derek whispered, his mouth traveling up my body now, more tiny kisses. "I'll never get enough of your beautiful pussy," he said softly, I opened my eyes and found his. I smiled. "What's my surprise," he asked softly with a chuckle, pressing kisses to my collarbone.

_I opened my eyes – we had to get going – but suddenly I didn't want to move … except there was that promise of that magical moment, up on the summit … the sunrise over the crater, it was calling for us. I put my hand up to Derek's cheek, his face flushed, his eyes awake, his hair wild and crazy from our games, his eyes sparkling just for me. He was so beautifully happy._

"I love you," I whispered, tears clouded my vision of my lover for a split-second; I blinked them away. "I love what this trip's done to you," I said softly. Derek leaned down and pressed a simple kiss to my temple. I smiled.

"Oh, Meredith," he chuckled. "It's you, not the trip," he whispered, his voice serious. He cupped my face with his free hand. I smiled. "So … what's this about a sunrise and a bike ride and a crater?" he asked, effectively moving me away from my sappy sentimental state.

"Wow, you heard all that?" I giggled, Derek's head on my chest now, his hand rubbing along the length of my ribs, tickling me now.

"I did," he laughed.

"Then no more questions," I said popping out of bed. "We're going to be late … and trust me Derek; we don't want to miss this!" I exclaimed happily as he remained in bed. "Here," I tossed his pile of clothing to him and handed him a mug of coffee. He smiled and raised his brow.

"The coffee's cold and I like the view from right here … plus I'm warm," he teased as I slipped my bra and panties on.

"I made that coffee close to an hour ago," I giggled. I walked over to the side of the bed and sat down. I slipped my socks on and leaned into Derek. "I'm going to brush my teeth, we are leaving in five minutes," I said into his ear, I kissed him there and then made to stand. But he grabbed my hand, pulling me down again.

_He smiled and so did I. He was so happy and so was I. It was enough … we were enough._

"Hey, you know I'm just kidding," he whispered, a small smile playing along his face. "To the end of the earth remember?" he asked, his voice soft, sincere. "I'd follow you anywhere," he added.

"I remember," I said, matching the sentiment in his voice. "I love you," I whispered.

"And I love you," he said softly, before he tore back the covers and made to get dressed so we could be there on time … after all the sunrise over the crater awaited.

**Chapter 30 – You Are the One – Part 6 of 6 to follow.**


	76. Chapter 30, You Are the One, Part 6 of 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note:**** This last part of this story is short and sweet in my estimation. I truly want to thank those who stuck with me and gave me a chance, especially after Chapter 20 when the dream of "Dare You to Move" thankfully became Meredith (and Derek's) reality. **

**Don't forget there is an epilogue, which I will post early next week before I head out for vaca with my family … but this is the end … so enjoy and by all means, share with me how you are feeling!**

**Chapter 30 – You Are the One – Part 6 of 6**

We arrived at the touring company, located at the foothills of Haleakala National Park – _one of Maui's main attractions_ – I was happy to see that our particular tour wasn't crowded, only four other people were there, a family … two teenage children, a boy and a girl and their youthful grandparents. We listened to the tour guide's speech about the schedule and what we should expect to see. After a few minutes, we boarded the van and were off on yet another adventure together.

The tour van had three rows of seats, one in the far back and then two rows facing each other in the middle section. The older gentleman smiled at me and I smiled in return. I rested my head against Derek's shoulder and closed my eyes – _it would be an hour before we were up at the summit, we would be coming from an altitude of about three thousand feet and traveling up to ten thousand feet _– and after our games this morning and only a couple hours sleep, I couldn't help but sleep if I tried. Derek put his arm around me, taking my hand with his free one. He squeezed it; I squeezed back in response, already on my way into the darkness of sleep. The last thing I felt were his warm lips against my temple.

###

"_Oh, no … we're not married, not yet anyway," I heard Derek's voice, the twilight of my slumber upon me now._

"_Well, there's time for marriage, make sure you have some fun too – take trips like this – we worked hard, the two of us did … now we're retired," the older gentleman said._

"_Good for you," Derek encouraged. "Those are your grandkids back there?" he asked._

"_Yes sir, they're good kids too, their parents work hard, so we're taking them with us – we're taking a trip around the world – they are taking part of it with us," he said happily._

"_Wow," Derek said. "A trip around the world – what a dream come true – congratulations," Derek said._

"_Oh, one day, you'll see – the two of you will go on a trip like this – you'll see the sun __rise__ all over the world without even making a point of it," the older man said._

"_I hope so, I hope so," Derek mused. _

###

And inside that moment, I kept my eyes closed, not that I was eavesdropping, just that I felt it was a moment for Derek and for this man – _I don't know what possessed me to_ – but I did. I felt Derek squeeze me around my shoulder and his lips against my temple again. I relaxed into him and slowly opened my eyes; I looked up to Derek and found his eyes.

"Hi," he whispered. "We're almost at the top, how are your ears?" he asked.

_I swallowed; they crackled like an old scratched record, loud, not too painful._

"Popped," I said, looking up, I smiled; Derek found my eyes in the dark. I looked out the window, but could only see my tired reflection staring back at me. "It's so dark out there right now," I said, it really was pitch black.

"It is," Derek agreed. "We only have about an hour before sunrise," he said.

"I can't believe we're going home tonight," I whispered, finding his eyes once more. He moved his hand up and passed his fingers along my cheek.

"Home will be great too," Derek whispered. "Our life will be good," he said, his eyes darted up to the older man and I saw him nod to Derek, the meaning not at all lost on me. I smiled.

"I know – _and next year, we'll come back _– it'll be just as wonderful," I said, pressing a kiss to the underside of his neck, breathing him in as I did.

###

A good thirty minutes later, Derek and I and the older couple and two their two restless grandkids waited patiently for the sun to make its appearance. We stood now, completely bundled up with extra fleeces, baseballs caps and our lightweight parkas, the conditions very much like Seattle – _damp, cold, gray with unforgiving wind and low lying cloud cover _– I secretly wondered if we would even see anything, although the guide said not to let the conditions fool us, that the sun would indeed rise … and the day would begin right in front of us.

_So now, we waited._

_Waited for that perfect moment._

_Waited for the midpoint to be revealed. _

_Waited for the new day to begin. _

_Waited for a glimpse of the magic – the essence of this trip and this island and our love for one another right at this moment and years into the future – to be revealed in the form of a sunrise once again._

Derek's small camera had a video feature; he could take up to seven minutes of film, so the guide was presently holding a flashlight up so Derek could adjust the setting and be ready. I walked over to the edge of the semi-enclosed lookout area. There was a half wall and then some heavy duty Plexiglass, similar to the stuff they used at the zoo – _I pressed my forehead against it, trying to get a glimpse of the crater situated below us_ – but all I could see was a muted reflection of myself, more like my shadow from the flashlight behind me. Then all went dark and Derek walked up, slipping his hand into the back pocket of my yoga sweats.

"About ten minutes," he said.

I turned to find him in the dark, he draped his arm around my shoulders, I looked up and he kissed me quickly, his cold lips warming me up. All I could hear was the wind as it howled across the crater plane below us and the faint sound of the music the kids had blaring into their eardrums from their iPod shuffles. I turned into Derek and wrapped my arms low around his waist.

_I looked up and placed my hand along his face, he was the best thing that ever happened to me in my life … the best and only person I could love this way – if I wasn't convinced before this trip, I was now. _

_I held on tight and he held me even tighter. The energy of us swooped down, fighting with the high winds to find us – I felt warm all of a sudden, completely at ease, completely eager to live out my dreams with him – forever and ever and ever._

_I closed my eyes and rested my head over his heartbeat – it was all I ever needed, that slow, steady beat – if I had to choose one sound to cherish and keep with me for my entire life, that's what it would be … Derek's heartbeat. _

_His hands were in my hair now, low against my neck, his cold fingers a sharp contrast to the warmth I felt from his loving embrace. I opened my eyes and that's when I saw it._

"Derek," I whispered, keeping my eyes trained on the horizon now. He rested his chin on my head; his hot breath breezed down my neck, miraculously finding a pathway inside my parka.

"Oh, wow … would you look at that," he said, he turned toward the horizon and pulled his camera out. "Do you think I should record it now?" he asked.

"Yeah," I whispered, it was the only thing I could think to say, I moved closer to the glass to get a better look.

And what I saw was a vision I would never forget. The sun as it began its ascent over the summit was a half circle of light, the full star not yet visible, not yet bright enough to need sunglasses. The rim of the sun moved up slightly and a small ray of light cast a short triangle of brightness onto the abrupt drop of the valley of the crater, which was virtually shrouded by darkness when we arrived.

_Dramatic_ was the only word that came to my mind as I watched the scene unfold in front of my eyes – _the crater, formed by aggressive volcanic eruptions, the last taking place in the 1700's_ – was a more than expansive area, impressive in size. When our guide spouted the statistics off earlier, I'll admit, I listened with half an ear, eager to see the scene with my own eyes and now only that the vision was upon me, did I truly appreciate the statistics.

For the crater was three thousand feet in depth and from where we were positioned, we could see all seven miles of the terrain and all two miles wide of it, our view completely unobstructed – _in circumference, this crater is twenty-one miles around_ – big enough to hold Manhattan! And from where we stood, and we could see it all – _the glorious sunrise as the backdrop_ – this natural wonder … it literally took my breath away.

As the sun continued to rise above the summit, the more mountainous the crater became … the sheer mass of its size, the magnitude was astounding – _gray valleys, flanked by lavender-hued slopes with burnt orange accents from the sun's powerful rays_ – the light bounced off the area now, bringing with it new life to the otherwise barren wasteland of the dormant volcano's present state.

I watched with bated breath as the rocky terrain changed colors still, the sun rising higher and higher into the atmosphere above the horizon, floating and hovering as it went now. I turned, glancing at Derek and began watching him instead then as the sun began to shine against his face bringing with it that sparkle of life in his eyes I loved so much. He stood motionless, his camera in front of him, holding it steady in his surgeon's hands, his eyes above the viewfinder, unwavering as he watched – _he looked statuesque, calm and in complete peace within himself and his surroundings, totally lost and yet, much like myself, completely found_ – and in that moment, I swear part of me fell in love with him all over again.

_And in that small private moment, I made a prayer … that I would come to realize my love for Derek over and over and over again throughout our lifetime together, just like I did right now. _

_For I could only hope for thousands of these precious moments – moments when time would stand still and the world would stop – just long enough for me to fall in love again._

_I also hoped for the same little moments for Derek, because I really wanted him to have everything he ever dreamed of and more. For his dreams were my dreams, they were collective dreams and had miraculously become __our__ dreams._

_And then it hit me … as I stood here realizing that one of our many dreams had come true already – one for me and for Derek – both together and apart for one another._

_I realized that somewhere within all of these precious moments together since I woke up …_

_That somewhere along the line … try as we might to forget my dreamscapes and to live in the here and now … Derek Shepherd had done it anyway._

"Thanks for making this surprise for me, Meredith," came Derek's soft voice, lifting me from my private reverie. I looked at him, shaking myself back to reality. His eyes never moved from the horizon as he spoke, the camera still recording the landscape; he was … _transfixed_, in another world entirely. "It makes me think anything is possible – _anything at all _– you can see it, just like I do, right?" he whispered.

"I do," I assured him.

"It's right in front of our eyes…," he sighed, still staring off into the sunrise. "It's just what you saw that morning – _it's just like 'Grey's Point' out here, only 'Grey's Point' is yours, ours_ – and right now, I can see it all," he whispered, finally resting his eyes on me, the camera still recording. "Heaven and earth," he muttered, totally lost.

_And then he struck me again – the aura of him, the one, he was the one – with his sparkling eyes moving around my face, even more so than a moment earlier – __my mind propelled light years into the future and beyond now, yes, our life together would be good and blessed__ – I smiled and tears pricked my eyes._

"I do see it, just like you Derek, I can … I love you, so much," I whispered, the wind carrying my voice out to the sun with the start of the new day. "And I see someone else too," I breathed, the warm sun on my face now.

"You do?" he asked.

"I do," I said with a smile. "I see you," I whispered. "You did it Derek," I sighed, taking a deep breath now. Derek cocked his head, his curiosity evident.

"Did what?" he asked softly.

"Without even trying … you were meant to be, for me …," I said softly, my smile reaching my eyes. "You became the man of my dreams – _right in front of my eyes_ – you're everything I'll ever want or need," I whispered, my eyes shining with happiness, my heart and soul flying high much like the sun in the sky now. Derek's whole face softened as he clicked the record button, pulled his baseball cap off and gathered me in his arms without hesitation.

"I love you, so damn much … more and more every single day," he whispered into the wind. "I fall in love with you over and over again – _you have become my life_ – you should know that … and remember that," he whispered into my ear, my cap fell to the ground, my wild hair raging in the wind now. _"Not that I'll ever let you forget it,"_ he said firmly, my heart racing, absolutely and positively racing now as he ducked down and kissed me – _soft and quick_ – kind of like we always did and I'm sure how we always would … forever.

"I love you … it's still not enough, _but it's all I have_ and I'll never stop giving it to you," I said, my eyes wet, my lips warm from his kisses, my heart and soul on fire with my undying love for him now, I couldn't move my eyes from his deep gateways if I tried.

"It's all we have, it's enough Meredith, it is … it's all we'll ever need, _we're enough_, I promise," he soothed.

_And as I held my lover, my soul mate, my fighter, my angel, my best friend, my more than everything under the bright morning sun, high above the barren crater, the cool morning wind pushing against us now … all I could feel was Derek and his energy and our bubble as it came down all around us – protecting us like it always did and like it always would, forever and ever – for as long as we should be together on this earth and in the afterlife too._

_For we were one, our dreams were aligned, our souls were connected, our chain was strong and viable, unbroken and unfettered by the trials of our soul connection to date._

_We were whole._

_We were healed._

_We were extraordinary together._

_We were living our second chance … our destiny, our fate … exactly how we were meant to._

_We were in love and would remain that way … for always and forever and beyond._

_Because we were enough – our love was enough to see us through – and with a little hard work and lots of magical vacations, our life together would be more than either one of us could ever ask for and more._

**THE END of the BEGINNING  
**


	77. Epilogue, Something in the Way She Moves

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note:**** Just a quick thank you to 'dusko' and 'Mcdreamy's Post-it Wife' for your anonymous comments, I do so appreciate your notes!**

**So ... we made it ... I sincerely hope you enjoy the ending to this story! Thanks for reading and for commenting, it means a lot. I also hope you enjoy this last piece, I hope it gives you some peace and by all means, listen to the song - James Taylor is just so amazing - so really listen or listen while you read, I am hoping the combination will transcend you to another place or time. ENJOY!**

**Epilogue – ****Something in the Way She Moves **

There's something in the way she moves,  
Or looks my way, or calls my name,  
That seems to leave this troubled world behind.  
And if I'm feeling down and blue,  
Or troubled by some foolish game,  
She always seems to make me change my mind.

Chorus:  
And I feel fine anytime she's around me now,  
She's around me now  
Just about all the time  
And if I'm well you can tell she's been with me now,  
She's been with me now quite a long, long time  
And I feel fine.

Every now and then the things I lean on lose their meaning  
And I find myself careening  
Into places where I should not let me go.  
She has the power to go where no one else can find me  
And to silently remind me  
Of the happiness and the good times that I know, got to know.

It isn't what she's got to say  
But how she thinks and where she's been  
To me, the words are nice, the way they sound  
I like to hear them best that way  
It doesn't much matter what they mean  
If she says them mostly just to calm me down

Chorus:  
And I feel fine anytime she's around me now,  
She's around me now  
Just about all the time  
And if I'm well you can tell she's been with me now,  
She's been with me now quite a long, long time  
And I feel fine.

###

**Epilogue – Something in the Way She Moves**

I stood at the midpoint like I had for so many years of my life – _just waiting, anticipating_ – on the precipice of something … monumental. I looked out over the horizon, the sun would begin it's decent behind me within the hour. I closed my eyes and let the cool, late afternoon wind press against me as it always seemed to do … still a silent game of cat and mouse after all these years … even with the low boundary fence we erected years ago – _the ever-present wind was there to push me back_ – to remind me of how far I had come.

I opened my eyes and watched and listened to the leaves rustle and dance within that same wind now. I looked up, the aging pine trees swayed, resisting the wind, much like I did. I looked down at my watch – _any time soon, any minute now_ – thinking I'd maybe sit on the old porch swing and wait _– the porch swing that we came to call "the swing of momentum'_ – after the cabin was finished and we moved out here just before we were married. And there is sat – _still today, the focal point of our midpoint garden_ – perched high above the landscape in a gazebo built especially for it, designed with the overlook side collapsed, offering an unobstructed view of the midpoint and all of its glory.

I took a deep breath and glanced at my watch again, my excitement and anticipation percolating now. I took the fat envelope from my pocket – _my surprise, my passion, my muse as of late_ – running my fingers over our names, before I smiled and put it away again.

_Soon enough, soon enough._

I turned around and looked back at the cabin, taking in the simple beauty of it with the sun low in the sky from behind, the short shadows dancing along the aged wood now – _accentuating its clean lines, perfect A-Frame and elaborate cobblestone work_ – I watched the lights come on … my heart raced at the prospect of finding out how the day went, and of course … there was also my surprise. I smiled and turned around – _just waiting and anticipating still _– as I was destined to for _this_ moment in time.

It was true, many happy and sad times had been celebrated or commemorated over the years on _Grey's Point_, I smiled now … for if I listened with a close enough ear, surely I would hear – _some of those monumental moments replaying in my mind or in the wind all around me, which was fitting as those moments in time had no other place to go_ – for it was here that those moments lived on in perpetuity. Yes it was true; _Grey's Point _had certainly been good to us.

"_Here's to our first sunrise at __'Grey's Point'."_

"_You'll always be my everything, especially out here."_

"_Forevermore."_

"_Always and forever."_

"_Happy Birthday Meredith."_

"_I love you."_

"_Welcome home."_

"_Derek, will you marry me?"_

"_Meredith, will __you__ marry __me__?"_

"_Maui's calling."_

"_I now pronounce you husband and wife."_

"_So … Shepherd's Point?"_

"_Hmm … maybe ... soon."_

"_Kiss me."_

"_Love me."_

"_Sex me."_

"_Sex me, love me … right after Susan's party."_

"_Oh, is that what we're calling it now?"_

"_Something like that."_

"_Well at least we can __see__ our bedroom from the party …,"_

"_Yeah, there's that …plus, we could always sneak away …,"_

"_So, are you gonna go with 'Yang-Burke'?"_

"_Seriously Derek?"_

"_What? It's a valid question!"_

"_How about Bang … Dr. Bang, oh my fucking God … I __am__ brilliant!"_

"_Of course, you're a double-doctor."_

"_A brilliant one at that."_

"_Happy Anniversary, Meredith."_

"_The stick turned blue, Derek."_

"_Let's swing, shall we?"_

"_I love you."_

"_Happy Birthday Derek."_

"_She's adorable; she looks just like you Meredith."_

"_Marry me, Callie."_

"_Okay George."_

"_Maui's calling."_

"_I can't believe my mother's gone, Derek."_

"_Happy Anniversary, Meredith."_

"_Mama."_

"_Dada."_

"_Peek-a-boo!"_

"_Once there was a tree …"_

"_Richard retired."_

"_And?"_

"_And so it's time to realize another dream."_

"_You're going to be an excellent Chief, Derek."_

"_Happy Anniversary, Meredith."_

"_Crappy day?"_

"_The worst."_

"_I love you."_

"_It just got better."_

"_Make love to me."_

"_I can do that."_

"… _and she loved a little boy."_

"_So, what color was it?"_

"_Blue."_

"_Blue … light blue or indigo-ish?"_

"_Blue, as in blue, as blue as it gets … we're having another baby!"_

"_I love you … so much."_

"_Happy Anniversary, Derek."_

"_And every day the boy would come …"_

"_He was a good dog, Meredith."_

"_Can you believe we have a son?"_

"_So handsome, looks just like his Daddy."_

"_Thank God he has his Mommy's brains."_

"_Smart kid, good genes."_

"_I love you."_

"… _and when he was tired, he would sleep in her shade." _

"_Alex, we're gonna have a baby."_

"_You're gonna be a great Mom, Izz."_

"_Happy Anniversary, Derek."_

"_It's the first day of Kindergarten."_

"_Oh Meredith, don't cry … it's only Kindergarten."_

"_It's only … before we know it they'll be signing up for Drivers' Ed!"_

"_And …,"_

"_And then we'll never see them again!"_

"_Well, you still have a year left with the little monster."_

"_What little monster?"_

"_You buddy … you're the little monster!"_

"_Am not!"_

"_Are too!"_

"_I think I'll miss my Mother, Meredith."_

"_And the boy loved the tree …very much."_

"_I love you."_

"_Happy Anniversary, Derek."_

"_Maui's calling."_

"_Congratulations graduate."_

"_Daddy!"_

"_What?"_

"_Don't get sappy!"_

"_I'm proud of you."_

"_That's good, because I'm proud of you too."_

"_Derek, we're empty-nesters."_

"_And the tree was happy."_

"_We're free Meredith."_

"_Maui's calling."_

"_Happy Anniversary, can you believe it's been twenty-five years?"_

"_How is that possible when you don't look a day over twenty?"_

"_I love you."_

"_Dad, how do you know when you're in love?"_

"_Can you breathe when you look at her?"_

"_No."_

"_That's love, son."_

"_Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest."_

"_You're retired. How do you feel?"_

"_How should I feel?"_

"_Accomplished, you've had an amazing career."_

"_No … you make me feel that way Meredith."_

"_Me?"_

"_Yes, you … you, the kids … you, everything always leads me right back to you."_

"_And so the boy did."_

"_I love you."_

"_And I love you … more."_

"_Derek, I think it's my turn."_

"_Maui's calling."_

"_And the tree was happy."_

The wind whipped up, it's familiar push there, shaking me from my private reverie – _of those cherished moments and points of time_ – all but flutters of our history now. I smiled as I heard leaves breaking under footsteps, light ones – _crackle, crackle, crackle_ – barely there … but oh so familiar and welcoming. I smiled widely and turned around – _and my heart melted_ – as it always did, without fail whenever I saw my girl.

She looked now, _to me anyway_, no different than the very first time I set my eyes upon her … her golden hair much longer now of course – _moving in the wind all around her beautiful heart-shaped face_ – adding more layers and dimensions to her already stunning physique.

_She raised her hand up and nodded to me, I smiled, the intense bluish-emerald __green of her eyes, visible now – that sparkle there too, the one she saved just for me – the one reminiscent of a peacock's feathers in the sun – iridescent, sparkling – by far the loveliest and most soulful part of her. _

The wind barreled down the lawn, I moved my hand through my much shorter haircut and smiled. She came to stand in front of me, her eyes as bright as her future at Seattle Grace. "Hi Daddy," she said breathlessly, her voice soft, almost transparent (as it typically became on the midpoint) – _and it was always "daddy", never "dad" or just "hey" or "hi"_ – I smiled as she pecked me on the cheek with her lips, warm and quick.

"Hi sweetheart," I said, draping my arm around her shoulders as she moved to stand next to me – _shoulder to shoulder, her warmth and happiness radiating all around us now_ – I smiled, my heart full of pride and love.

"I like the hair," she teased, giving me a sidelong glance. "I'm not sure Mom is gonna like it though," she ribbed, knowing as much as I do how much her mother hates shorter haircuts on me.

"Well, I thought it would be better to start off on the shorter side for the trip –"

"She's gonna kill you," she laughed like the devil.

"I know, I know," I mused softly as a shiver coursed through my body, just thinking about the flash of Meredith's green eyes, for even when angry, she was so damn sexy, even now … even still after all these years. _So. Damn. Sexy._

"So, are you all packed?" she asked, her voice carried off into the wind, her eyes trained on the midpoint too. "Do I even want to know what you packed for Mom?" she asked incredulously.

"The basics, some of the more detailed stuff we might need, she can shop on Maui," I smiled.

"So … tomorrow morning … wow, it's finally here," she offered softly, her mind working as fast as her hair moving through the wind now.

"Yep, we're all set, just waiting on your Mom – _I was told to meet her here_ – that she has something for me … _what do you know about that_?" I asked after a second, always curious when Meredith was up to something.

"Me?" she laughed, her cheeks turning pink. "I know what you know," she offered elusively, always on her Mother's side I mused with a smile.

_And not that I minded at all … for Meredith's bond with our children was immense and ended up being everything I ever hoped and dreamed being a __Mother would be for her – all consuming, spiritual, life-giving, treasured and calming – just what it was meant to be and so much more than that for her… and for us. _

"And your brother?" I asked, sparring gently.

"He's brainless and clueless," she offered, true to form teasing her younger, more serious sibling.

I laughed. "Your mother used to call me that, a long, long time ago," I reflected for a beat. "So … really, I know she has some kind of thing cooking, can't you just tell me what you know?" I asked, egging her on.

"Look, all I _know_ is that she's been running around for the last week – _worried sick about retiring_ – despite her six-month exit strategy to walk out of the hospital arm in arm with Aunt Cris … today … and that's the extent of what _I'll tell you I know_," she dished back with a sly smile, one that didn't fool me for one second.

"Was I _this_ bad?" I played along, watching her blue-green eyes betray her; full well knowing Meredith Grey wouldn't retire and walk out of Seattle Grace until she was good and ready to do so. I smiled and sighed, just thinking about her now.

"Oh Daddy, do you really want to go there?" she asked incredulously, with a huge smile. "I mean c'mon – _it's hard for her_ – she was practically raised in that place," she breathed. "And Aunt Cris!" she added. "God, she'd never be able to walk out of there without Mom taking her with her," she exclaimed softly, her pride in her mother bubbling over now as she spoke.

I smiled, shaking my head; she was dangerously close to her mother's clone sometimes. "Well, it's good you'll be there … trading places," I mused, catching her eyes.

"Daddy, being the head of Aunt Mandy's clinic hardly qualifies as trading places with Mom," she laughed, peeking up, her blond hair blowing in the wind, her eyes sparkling with amusement now. "But … I'll take the compliment anyway," she smiled all the same.

"It'll always be Aunt Mandy's clinic to you, won't it?" I asked, smiling now as my thoughts drifted to our old friend Bailey, just as feisty now as the day we met her.

"Isn't that what it is to you?" she asked, her cheeks blushing from what she would call _'unwarranted undivided attention'_.

"No," I smiled and shook my head. "It's yours now, the Board even said so," I teased happily now, just a father drunk on his daughter's accomplishments. "Your mother and I are more than proud of you, you know that," I said, draping my arm around her – _a little squeeze to her small frame from me, a little lean into my larger one, daughter, Daddy comfort_ – we warmed each other up.

"Don't speak too soon, I have a meeting with the Board on Monday … the big thirty-year gala fundraiser is only six months away," she sighed, her pretty eyes darting around, her mind on the task at hand already. She leaned into me once more, her hip nudging against mine.

"Thirty years," I sighed with a smile just thinking about my life with Meredith – _thirty years, thirty years, thirty years_ – I smiled. "You'll be fine and we'll be home by then, checkbook in hand," I kidded, hoping to allay some of her trepidation … even for just this moment in time.

"What's this?" she asked, nudging my side. I pulled the fat envelope out and handed it to her.

"The trip, the tickets, the itinerary, all of it," I said, she looked up and smiled.

"So, you decided to tell her?" she asked, unable to hide the surprise in her voice. "I thought you were gonna wait until you were at the villa, what happened?" she asked, smiling brightly now at the thought of the big reveal.

"Ah … just too excited, she'll be surprised here, she'll be just as surprised," I smiled, thinking about the carefully orchestrated trip I had planned.

_The wind whipped up all around us then, sending fallen leaves scattering in the air and across the well trimmed lawn. We stood together for several minutes, our eyes trained on the landscape in front of us, leaning on each other in another cherished moment, basking in the glory of the midpoint. _

"I'll miss you Daddy," she whispered into the wind.

"I'll miss you too sweetheart," I said, my heart melting a little bit now. "But before we know it … it'll be New Year's week and you and your brother will come –"

"Yeah …," she sighed. "New Year's on Bora-Bora, I can't wait," she giggled.

"Me either," I sighed, thinking about our surprise for Meredith, a special New Year's celebration for the special beginning of the next phase of our life together.

"I'm freezing, do you want to wait inside for Mom?" she asked quietly as she turned into me, we hugged for a beat and I secretly cherished the moment more than most, for it would have to sustain me for a long while.

We pulled away and she smiled, her eyes sparkling, brimming with unshed tears, she sniffled. "See you inside," I said, pushing her hair away from her face.

_And as __I watched my grown daughter go – my baby still – I took in all she had to offer. She was a fine woman, a good strong head on her shoulders. Her forward-thinking mind will be good for the clinic, she's an attribute, a fighter for the rights of those less fortunate than her and I couldn't be more proud, as a father … she has been a dream realized. And her brother, a gentleman through and through … and so damn smart, a computer whiz kid, in heated talks with the government about some advanced satellite missile software he developed with his brainiac girlfriend in their spare time. He's another dream … fulfilled. Wonders never ceased for the Shepherd clan and I couldn't be more proud of this family, right here, right now._

I kept my eyes on her shrinking form still and she was almost at the back door when I saw it open. I held my breath at that moment – _don't ask me why_ – maybe it was all the waiting and anticipating, but for some reason, I melted just a little bit at the thought of seeing Meredith and then she appeared, right out of the doorway, a midnight blue cashmere blanket wrapped around her shoulders, a file folder in her hands … most notable was the brilliant smile raging across her whole face as she embraced her baby girl.

_I watched the two women in my life hug, holding onto each other for dear life, swaying in the wind – suspended in time – another indelible moment for__ all of us. Meredith pulled back first … their minds moving as fast as their lips would take them now as they leafed through a file Meredith held in her hands. They embraced once more, one headed inside to the warmth and the other – my Meredith – stepped off of the back porch and made her way to meet me … just like she planned we would for this moment on 'Grey's Point'. _

I turned to watch Meredith approach me, the sun setting behind her, soon to disappear below the cabin and like no time had passed; I was back at our wedding day. I first waited for that glimmer of her – _and then I'll never forget, a flare of her ecru gown flew out of the doorway_ – and my heart leapt into my throat in awe of what we were about to do. I watched her with bated breath now, exactly how I did on that cherished day nearly thirty years ago. With her hair flowing behind her, our then new cabin, our place on _Grey's Point,_ our pride and joy as her backdrop – _the place where we would come to raise our children and celebrate our lives together_ – our house of dreams.

_Yes, if I closed my eyes, I could see her clear as day – right where I left her, held captive deep within my mind's eye – her wedding dress flowing all around her, __her electrifying green eyes locked on mine, keeping me in the moment with her (even when my eyes clouded over with thick tears), she held me there and she never let me go. Her hair wild and crazy, walking toward me – __alone__ – for she said that __she__ would be the one to give herself away to me … because __she__ loved me and __she__ needed me and __she__ wanted me … for forever and a day. _

And now as she held me there, those same beautiful eyes locked on mine as she came near, I was reminded (as I frequently was) that she could have been that same woman – _my Meredith, shrouded in that ecru wedding gown_ – and she was … the same woman I married. The same woman I have loved for … ever. Except that over our years together she'd evolved into so much more – _because even though she had long-since been my everything_ – she had created new ways for me to fall deeply in love with her over and over and over again without even trying.

_In the end, my love for Meredith Grey really transcended above all else in my life – she's my core, she's in me, she's with me all the time – and I'm proud that our love for one another has really lived a life all its own, it's become …_

_Timeless …_

_Endless …_

_Limitless …_

_Undefined …_

_Forever evolving …_

… _just like us._

_I closed my eyes briefly as she took the last couple of steps to reach me – she was still there in my mind's eye – and when I opened my eyes, she stood in front of me. _

"Derek Shepherd, where did all of your hair go?" she teased lightly, a hint of sarcasm in her voice, but I knew she was just trying to deflect the attention away from her.

_I laughed big and folded her into my arms, hugging her tight, letting the warmth and familiarity of our bubble of energy consume us, cloak us, steal the wind and make the moment ours. _

"Congratulations, you did it," I breathed, feeling her tremble ever so slightly under my touch. "Shh, you did good, you'll be fine … you did good," I soothed.

"I know," she said, peeking up, her hot cheeks flushed from the cooler air. "You should see Cris!" she giggled, and then I knew everything was going to be fine … as long as Meredith's giggled … there was hope.

"It's not like they ban you when you retire," I assured with a smile. "But in this one case, this one time, I can say … it'll get easier," I offered.

"I know," she whispered. "Kiss it better for now … just kiss me," she ordered breathlessly and before she could blink I covered my mouth over hers.

_We kissed then like we always would and always had – with consumption, with our hearts and souls and everything in between – I swept my tongue along hers and she fought for control, still kissing like we did when we first met, without abandon, without a care in the world, totally lost and yet completely found. _

"I love you Meredith," I said against her lips. "And I'm so damn proud of you," I said smiling, before she swayed in the wind slightly, holding her file in her hands, the blanket in her fists.

"I love you … more," she smiled, bright and carefree now, _all better_. "Want to swing?" she asked.

"Sure, lets," I agreed and we walked over and up the couple of steps to the gazebo.

_I sat down on the swing and Meredith sat on my lap sideways, this had always been our thing. She draped the blanket over our legs and burrowed deeper into my body, squirming, settling, moving until she was comfortable. _

"All better," she breathed, pressing tiny kisses to my neck and up to my earlobe. "Hmm, I missed you today," she said reflectively.

"Me too, me too … do you want to talk about it? Last surgery … last save?" I asked, moving my free hand along the beautiful line of her cheek bone.

"I'm okay, it was time … I think our trip helps … Maui's calling," she mused with a relaxed smile. I smiled too, pressing my nose to the back of her earlobe, breathing her in.

"Hmm, about that … I have a surprise for you," I whispered, reaching down for the travel documents.

"I have one for you too," she whispered. "Yours first," she said softly, kissing my cheek, holding her hand there for a moment, her eyes flashed to mine – _stunning me with the intensity of her beauty_ – much how she always had and always would. I faltered, my heart on fire and then smiled.

I snaked the fat envelope from my pocket and laid it across her lap. She ran her fingers over our names – _back and forth_ – before eying me curiously, I smiled. "Do you remember that very first time we went up to Haleakala to bike down?" I asked, my heart rate accelerated with excitement.

"It was my surprise for you …," she smiled, relaxing into me further. "Cristina's non-honeymoon," she reflected.

"Yes … well, you might not remember them, but … ah, well there was this family there, grandparents … and two of their grandkids," I said, Meredith turned her head up, I found her eyes in the dimming light.

"I remember them," she said, her eyes shimmering now with recollection.

"Well, I had a very short chat with the grandfather – _that trip they were on_ – they had both retired and they were taking a trip around the world and for some reason, this idea always stayed with me …,"

"I remember, I …," she mused with a smile, interjecting.

"You remember what?" I asked, somewhat mystified now.

"I heard you speaking with him," she said, her eyes shining. "We were riding up to the crater, it was pitch black and I fell asleep, but I woke up when I heard your voice," she laughed. "I kept my eyes closed though," she said, peeking up to me, my heart raced … after all this time, a lifetime of … secretly planning. I laughed.

"Why, why did you do that?" I asked, smiling, for my wife always seemed to surprise me.

"I don't remember, I mean, I do … I remember thinking that it was a kind of a private moment for you," she smiled.

_I pressed my lips together … what could I say?_

"Well," I laughed. "I planned one for us – _a trip around the world, Meredith_ – I somehow always wanted to live that moment, take that trip – _be that retired man with his wife and her shining eyes and the way they looked at each other_ – I wanted to be that man with you," I said as Meredith turned into me.

She held my head with her long surgeon's fingers, her eyes shimmering against the sunset behind me – _she rubbed her nose against mine, nudging me_ – she pressed her perfect heart-shaped lips over mine, the perfect fit, every time. "Ask me to go, Derek," she said into my mouth. "Ask me," she whispered and I melted inside.

"Will you take a trip around the world with me, Meredith?" I said, my lips a half of an inch from hers, her hot breath pumping in and out of my mouth.

"Yes, my love … I love you," she whispered, moving her mouth directly over my ear. "So much, I love everything about our world here, but I can't wait to see the rest of it … with you," she murmured.

_And if it was possible – and of course it was – I fell in love with Meredith all over again in that moment as she turned my head in her hands and kissed me once more on the lips, pumping her mouth over mine, darting her tongue in … just for a taste. I pulled away first, her wild locks everywhere, tangled in my fingers. _

"Me too, sun rises and sunsets all over the world, everywhere – _six months worth, without even thinking_ – we'll see it, just like home, just like _Grey's Point_," I found myself rambling.

"_Grey's Point_," Meredith murmured into my neck, squirming over my lap again now. I looked down. "Hold on," she said as she fished what looked like her drivers' license and passport from her jacket pocket. "Here," she said, handing her documents to me.

_I opened her passport and then looked at her drivers' license, which was dated with today's date and her passport renewed in the previous month. I stared at her name as it became blurred around the edges, the typeface disappearing now and all that was left was the meaning of her grand gesture. _

**Meredith Shepherd**

I smiled, making a sidelong glance at my wife of almost thirty years – _my wife, who for professional reasons did not change her name when we were married _– her more recent secret appointments not lost on me now.

"You changed your name," I said, stating the fact, my heart raced … _Meredith is a Shepherd_. I smiled wide and big and proud. I looked up and caught the happiness in her eyes.

_Meredith is a Shepherd._

"Well, I'm not a surgeon anymore," she said, smiling.

_Meredith is a Shepherd._

"So," I said curiously, she only giggled.

_Meredith __is a Shepherd._

"_So_, I'm gonna spend the rest of my life being Mrs. Shepherd," she said resolutely, a hint of mischief in her eyes … my heart went absolutely nuts.

_Meredith __is a Shepherd._

"You're a Shepherd, Meredith," I whispered, kissing her quickly on the sound of her new name.

"I am, Derek … I always have been, you know that – _in here, in me_ – I just …," her voice trailed off, a small tear escaped from her eye and I smiled, wiped it away and held her tighter.

I rested my chin on her shoulder, "I love you," I whispered, cherishing the moment for a beat. "Oh God," I sighed. "My mother would have been so happy … another Mrs. Shepherd," I laughed.

"Hmm, I love you Derek," Meredith said, so soft, so evenly, her voice was carried out into the wind. "I have another surprise for you," she said, kissing my lips, _once twice_. "The folder … it's for you," she said, before she pressed another kiss against my lips.

_I reached down to the bench and picked the file up; Meredith turned in my lap and opened the file up. I craned my chin over her shoulder and peeked inside the file with her and there before us lay the title deed for 'Grey's Point' … renamed appropriately and finally thirty years later, 'Shepherd's Point'. _

_I sucked in a deep breath and smiled, breathing my wife in, the essence of her, the aura of us as I held this cherished memory, this moment in time in my mind's eye._

"See that Derek … another dream realized, another promise fulfilled … _Grey's Point_ has finally become _Shepherd's Point_," she whispered, leaning back and into me. I pressed my nose to the back of her ear and put my mouth on her neck, kissing and nipping at her skin as I went.

"Finally," I whispered.

"Finally," she whispered.

_Meredith closed the file, stood and turned into me as I made to stand only to take her in my arms – to hold her, kiss her, love her – very much like we had done for countless nights during our lifetime together to date. And as we gathered up our things and headed down the steps of the gazebo, walking together, arms around each other now – __eyes forward, on our place, our pride and joy, our house of dreams – with the bright orange sky of the sunset above it, we could only smile and relish in all that we had become and all that we had to still look forward to in this lifetime and beyond._

_The cherished view of the midpoint behind us now as we walked away to pack for our trip around the world, a trip over which we would see countless midpoints – but knowing that deep within our hearts only one midpoint on this earth really mattered and that was ours – finally ours … 'Shepherd's Point'._

**The End.**


End file.
